Archive of Our Own

Chris knew that everyone thought he was a happy kid. They are partially right.

He used to be happy. He wants to be happy again, it just feels so hard. There’s this crushing weight on him every single day. He wants to be happy and enjoy life. He wants that so badly but it just feels impossible.

He wants his dads to help him but he doesn’t know how to ask for help. It feels like he’s back in the tsunami, alone, cold, and scared for his life. He just wants comfort but everything that used to bring him comfort doesn’t help and he still feels numb.

He feels numb most of the time. There are rare occasions where he is happy but those happy every once in a blue moon. He is sad the rest of the time.

He just wants to feel happy. He wants to feel normal.

He knew why he started to feel this way. It was when he saw his dad with a doppelganger of his dead mom. He was shocked and then felt betrayed. How could his dad do that to him? Why would his dad do that to him?

He called his grandparents and then went to Texas.

Texas was okay. His grandma would baby him and act like he couldn’t take care of himself. She didn’t trust him to help make food. She wouldn’t understand that he could do things. His abuelo would tell him to suck it up whenever he would complain about her babying.

He also didn’t like his school. Everyone looked at him weirdly. He was an outcast. He was alone.

His grandma and abuelo didn’t seem to understand when he complained about it so he just kept quiet. Everyone at his school somehow knew that he was conceived before his parents were married and that his mom died when he was 7. They knew that his dad was in the military. They knew so much and some people would make fun of him.

“Look there goes that weirdo.”

“He’s from LA, he’s a city boy. What’s he doing in Texas, especially when he can’t walk normally.”

“I heard his dad is gay.”

“Oh my god, ew. Imagine having a gay dad.”

“I heard that he doesn’t have a mom.”

“Oh, you don’t have a mommy to go crying to.”

He heard all of the laughing.

He felt all of the food being tossed at him.

He was the joke of the school.

He just wanted it to stop.

He just wanted to not be here anymore.

He wanted to die.

But, he didn’t want his dad to miss him. So, he started to release his pain in other ways.

He would shower with the water too hot.

He would purposefully get hurt. He just wanted to not feel this way.

After a while, it stopped helping. He needed something more. He needed more physical pain to drown out his emotional pain.

He started to cut himself and it worked. He found one of his abuelo’s utility knives and hid it in his room. He turned numb to his thoughts and everything else.

It worked too well. He would do it in places that no one would see. He got good at hiding his pain. He got so good that he started to cut deeper to stop some of the numbness.

He had become numb to any feeling. Numb to sadness, anger, and even happiness.

He wanted to feel something, anything.

He knew it wasn’t good. He knew that but it was so hard to stop.

He wanted everything to just stop.

He wanted someone to notice his pain.

He wanted someone to care about him, not about his cerebral palsy or that he was different. He wanted to feel normal.

But, he was scared to tell anyone. His grandma would just start crying and his abuelo would probably tell him to ignore his feelings. He can’t tell his dad either, he is scared of what he’ll say.

This went on for a while. It got worse at Christmas time.

His bisabuela came over and he finally felt something close to being happy. It had been months since he felt that. He never wanted it to stop.

Then his grandma crashed through that happiness by babying him so much. She cut all of his food even though he could easily do it himself. She even tried to make him use a straw. Abuela put a stop to it but i

But, Christmas came and went and then he was back at school.

He sat by himself at lunch. He didn’t have any friends. He was truly alone. He was numb to everything. His numbness drowned out the laughter and the whispers behind his back.

He stayed up late at night to have time by himself. It made him so exhausted. He hated it but just couldn’t stop.

He was by himself in his head most of the time.

He was talking to his dad though. That got him out of his head for a tiny bit. But it wasn’t enough.

He wanted to go home.

He wanted his dad.

He wanted his dads.

He wanted his Buck.

He wanted to be far away from stupid Texas.

He wanted to disappear.

So, he ran away.

He had saved up his Christmas money and bought a plane ticket to LA.

He knew his grandparents would object if he told them. So, he took things into his own hands.

He packed a bag with some clothes and a charger for his phone and snuck out. He got an uber to the airport and got on a plane to LA. To home.

He had Athena’s number saved to his phone. His dads thought it was best if he had direct contact with a cop if he was ever in trouble. He never texted her before but he needed a ride to his home and he was out of money.

Chris: Hi, this is Christopher Diaz. I know this is a weird question but could you please pick me up from lax and take me to my dad’s house? Or the firehouse if he has a shift right now. Please don’t tell him.

It took a bit but she responded.

Athena: What are you doing in LA?

Chris: I wanted to come home but i knew my grandparents would not let me.

Athena: How did you get here?

Chris: I snuck out and had money saved up to get an uber to the airport and for a ticket for a flight. I accidentally ran out of money so i decided to text you. Aunt Hen and Uncle Chimnay would automatically tell dad and Buck is always with dad so you were the best bet.

Athena: Okay, I can pick you up, but, this better only be a one time thing.

Chris: Thank you, Athena! I promise it will only be this time.

Chris told Athena what door he was at and he waited. It took a bit but he finally saw her police car pull up.

She rolled down the window and said, “Put your things in the back seat and then sit up front. It’s more comfortable than the back.”

Chris nodded and did as he was told to.

Athena started driving away from the airport after he buckled his seat belt and they rode in silence for a few minutes.

Athena eventually broke the silence, “Your dad is on shift so we’ll be going to the firehouse.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want to tell me why one of my husband’s firefighter’s sons is suddenly in Los Angeles without his father’s or grandparents' knowledge?” Athena asked.

“I-uh. I don’t like Texas. It’s always so humid and makes your clothes all uncomfortable.” Chris responded. “There’s also my grandma babying me all the time. She literally doesn’t trust me with anything.”

“What stuff does she not trust you with?”

“She acts like I can’t do anything on my own. She never let me help her cook or bake even though Buck has let me help so many times. She always cuts my food before giving it to me.” Chris started to feel tears building up in his eyes. “Like, I’m 15, I can cut my own food. I can do things. Just because I have cerebral palsy doesn’t mean I’m incapable of everything. She has started to make me not want her as a grandma. Also, my abuelo has told me to ignore my feelings, that men shouldn’t cry. Which that is so fucking stupid.”

“Chris, have they ever hit you?” Athena asks, there was caution in her voice.

“No, but they always made me feel terrible about myself. I wish you and Bobby were my grandparents. I mean Buck is like Bobby’s kid and Buck’s my second dad.” Chris started to ramble. “Could you be my grandma? I don’t want her as my grandma.”

“Oh Chris, I would be honored to be your grandma.” Athena looked over at him when they were at a stopped light. “Bobby would also love to be your grandpa.” The light turned green so she turned back to the road and drove again. “Also, when did Buck become your second dad?”

“Well, I honestly thought that Dad and Buck were dating when I was way younger. Also, Buck saved me in a tsunami and was always there for me whenever dad was hurt. And after Dad got shot, I overheard them talking and apparently Buck gets guardianship of me if dad doesn’t make it home one day. So, he has just been there and over time he just became my second dad.”

“Wow, that’s a lot to take in.”

“Yeah, but back to why I left Texas.” Chris switched back to their original conversation. “The kids at school were also really mean. They would never talk to me and they would sometimes call me names. Sometimes at lunch they would throw things at me. I hated it. I brought it up with grandma and abuelo and they told me to ignore them. It really started to make me hate myself and school.”

“Oh.” Worry was now in Athena’s voice. “How did you deal with that?”

“I, um, I would like- I don’t know. I sometimes didn’t want to be alive.” Chris eventually responded.

He heard Athena gasp. Then she was pulling her car over.

“Chris, I need to know this.” Athena had turned in her seat and was fully facing Chris now. “Have you ever had any thoughts of harming yourself or others?”

Chris wanted to tell her but it felt impossible to get the words to leave his throat. They were stuck and he couldn’t get them out. All he could do was cry. So he did, he sobbed and sobbed.

At some point Athena had leaned over and was hugging him.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Chris, honey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” She kept telling him over and over again until his sobs subsided.

“S-sorry.” His voice was quiet and still wobbly.

“Chris, it’s okay. I just need you to tell me, okay?” He could feel her eyes boring into his soul. Looking at all of the darkness he could feel. She could see all of the numbness in him. “I need to make sure that you are not a danger to yourself or anyone else. So please, just tell me, okay? I can help if there is anything you need help with. I just need to know what’s happening. Okay?”

“Okay.” Chris said and then the floodgates broke. “I had some thoughts of just not existing anymore. I didn’t want to hurt dad or Buck so I just tried to ignore it, I guess. It got worse so I started to take really hot showers. Stuff like that.”

“Did you do anything else?”

Chris took a deep breath, “I started to cut myself.” He heard a small gasp come from Athena. “I started it as something to help with the, like, internal pain. I don’t know, I know it’s not good. I haven’t done it in a few days. I had the urge yesterday and pushed past it but it was really hard.”

There was silence for a bit after that. Just him and Athena breathing as Athena thought through what Chris had just said.

“Chris,” Athena breaks the silence. “Where have you been hurting yourself?”

“Mainly on my arms. I could easily hide it under hoodies and not have to worry about anyone seeing it.”

“Okay. Your dad needs to know about this. Either I can tell him or you can. It doesn’t matter who. But he needs to know, first of all, so he can make sure that his house is safe and second of all, so you can get the help you need. May that be therapy or something else, he needs to be aware of this.” Athena’s kind eyes were looking right at him the entire time. He could see unshed tears in them.

“Okay.” He said.

Athena turned back to the road and started to drive again.

Silence overtook the vehicle again. Only their breathing and some outside noises could be heard.

“Could you tell him?” Chris asks. “I’m scared to.”

“Of course I can, dear. But, there’s nothing you have to be afraid of. I know your dad. He will do anything in his power to get you the help you need.” Athena responded. “By the way, we are 5 minutes away from the firehouse.”

“Okay, thank you. I know I don’t have to be scared but it’s still really scary.”

“It’s fine, I can do it for you.”

The rest of the drive was silent again.

They finally pull into the parking lot and make their way into the firehouse.

When they got inside they saw Bobby, Eddie, and Buck in the loft. No one else could be seen. It did make sense that most would be sleeping because it was really early in the morning. But, it was still so weird for Chris to only see three people awake at the firehouse.

“I have a special someone for Eddie here!” Athena called up to the loft.

This caught the attention of all three of them. They made their ways over to the rail and looked down.

“Christopher?” His dad asked, immediately making his way down the stairs. “What the hell are you doing here? Why aren't you in Texas?"

“I, uh, I wanted to come home. I don’t like Texas. I want to be in LA with you and Buck.” Chris responded. “I missed you and I missed home.”

His dad hugged Chris tightly once he got to him. “I missed you too, mijo. I’m so glad you’re here.”

They stayed there for what seemed like hours and Buck joined in at one point. It was nice to be back with his family. He missed it so much when he was in Texas.

“Wait, where are your grandparents?” His dad asked. The peace Chris was feeling shattered at the reminder of his grandma and abuelo.

“Um, I sort of snuck out.” Chris said quietly.

His dad pulled back from the hug. “Snuck out? Do you mean that they have no idea that you’re here?”

“Maybe?” Chris said, sheepishly.

“Chris, you can’t do that. You have to tell people if you are going somewhere.” His dad scolded him. “What if something happened to you? No one would know where you are. I thought you knew that after the last time this happened.”

“Wait, last time?” Athena spoke up. “This has happened before?”

“Well, not exactly like this. But, when I was first dating Ana and I told him, he ran to Buck’s loft. He ordered an uber through my phone and didn’t tell anyone where he was going.” His dad replied.

Chris could feel his cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

“I know, dad. But, Grandma and Abuelo would have tried to stop me if I told them I wanted to go home. They think Texas is better for me but I hate Texas.” Chris reasoned.

“You hate Texas?" His dad asks.

“Yeah, Grandma is always babying me, Abuelo always tells me to stop crying or some stupid shit like that, and the kids at school are assholes. They called me names and they threw stuff at me. They talk about weird things that they know about you.” Tears were building up in Chris’ eyes. “On my first day of school I still had that nail polish on and they made fun of it. I hate Texas. I don’t want to go back dad. Please don’t make me go back.”

Tears had started streaming down his face. God, why was he crying so much.

“Hey I would never make you go back there if you don’t want to. I promise.” His dad hugged him again. It was tighter this time and his dad was accidentally squeezing his arms.

He winced and his dad of course noticed.

“Hey, are you hurt? Did your grandparents hurt you?” His dad’s voice was filled with concern.

“No, no one hurt me.” Chris said. His heartrate sped up. He didn’t want to tell his dad like this. “I hurt myself.” It came out as a whisper.

“What? What do you mean by that?” His dad’s eyes looked sad. He hated that.

“I- I’m sorry.” Chris’ voice wobbled. “I’m sorry, dad.”

“Hey, there is nothing to be sorry about. I just need to know what you mean by that.”

Before Chris could answer the bell went off.

“Buck, Eddie, you two are the man behind okay? You can keep up this conversation while we are out.” Bobby said.

“Okay, Cap.” They said together.

Eventually the team left and it was just Chris, his dad, Buck, and Athena. They had made their way up to the couches in the loft.

They all sit there and Chris stays quiet. He knows that it’ll be fine to tell his dad. But, it’s still so scary to do.

“Chris, can you please tell me what you mean?” His dad breaks the silence.

“I’m- I’m scared. I don’t know why but I’m really scared.” Chris responds, his voice trembling and barely audible.

“Hey, I’m just going to get us some drinks.” Buck said. He was getting up to leave.

Chris didn’t want him to leave. He wanted both of his dads here. So he reached out and grabbed arm as he passed by. “No, Buck, I want you here. Please stay.”

Buck stopped and sat down next to Chris. “Okay, buddy.”

The silence returned for a bit.

“I,” Chris doesn’t know how to start this. How does he tell his dads that he purposefully hurts himself? Wouldn’t they be disappointed in him? “I didn’t want to be alive and I kind of wanted to die but I didn’t want to upset you guys. I started to take really hot showers and other things to keep my mind off of those thoughts.”

He heard both his dad and Buck make hurt noises. He was then enveloped in a tight hug from both of them.

“It stopped helping and the thoughts were getting worse so I started to um, cut myself.” He sobbed out the last part. “I haven’t in a few days, I promise. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, there is nothing to be sorry about, kid. We love all the same.” Buck said. “Thank you for telling us.”

His dad spoke after that. “Where did you do it ? Like, where on your body?”

“My arms. It’s all on my arms.” Chris’ voice was still trembling.

“Okay, can Hen, Chim, and I make sure that all of them are healing okay when they get back? I want to make sure that you are healing fine.” His dad replied.

“Okay. I’m sorry I’m causing all of this trouble.” Chris said. “I don’t know why I can’t just have normal feelings. I just want to feel happiness like I did when I was younger.”

His dad made a wounded sound when he said that. He hates that he made his dad sound like that. Why can’t he just be normal?

“Chris, mijo, How long have you been feeling like this?” His dad asks cautiously. Like, if he says the wrong things Chris will just go back to Texas.

“Since I got to Texas. It probably started when I saw you with that lady.” Chris says. “I forgive you for it. You explained and I forgive you but when it first happened I was so betrayed by you. Then all of the shit in Texas happened and it all built on top of each other and I just broke I guess. My feelings became numb. I hated that.”

Both Buck and his dad hugged him tighter after he said that. They just stayed hugging for a long time.

At some point Athena left the couches and came back with some water for all of them. Chris chugged his and then thanked her.

“Your welcome, baby. I’m also here if you ever need to talk. But, I do have to get back to work.” She said and then hugged him. “You have my number so just text if you need anything.” She started to walk towards the stairs.

“Wait, can I call you Grandma Athena?” Chris asks.

Athena paused and turned around. “You can call me whatever you want, dear.”

“Okay. Bye, Grandma Athena.” Chris says.

“Bye, honey.” She says back and then she disappears down the stairs.

He looked at his dad and the Buck and they had matching expressions of shock on their faces.

“What?” Chris asks.

“What conversation did we miss?” Buck asks.

“Oh, Grandma Athen and I talked on the way here. I told her first and she was going to tell you dad but then you hugged me really tightly. Also, we talked about how I don’t like grandma and abuelo and I asked her if she could be my grandma.” Chris explains. Their faces were still filled with confusion. “I asked because Buck is my other dad.”

“What?” Buck interrupted him.

“Yeah, you have been there for me since I was 7. I mean you saved me in a tsunami, Buck. I have always thought that you were my second dad.” Chris says. He could see tears filling in Buck’s eyes. “Also, I overheard you and dad talking about his will one time. So it all just made sense in my brain.”

“When did you hear that?” His dad then asks.

“It was after you got shot and Buck was basically living with us.” Chris dismisses him. “Anyway, since Buck is my other dad. Bobby is basically Buck’s dad so that means he is my grandpa. Then that makes Athena my grandma. Also, I like her better than grandma and abuelo. I know she would never baby me like they baby me.”

Buck and his dad were silent for a minute just processing what Chris just said.

“Okay, bud. That does make sense.” His dad finally says. “Do you want to watch a movie or play a game until everyone returns?”

“Play a game. You still have Mario Kart here, right?” Chris asks.

“Yeah we do, let me go start it.” Buck says.

They played Mario Kart until the rest of the 118 got back. Chris beat both his dad and Buck every time.

“Yes!” Chris exclaims. “Ha! I beat both of you all 5 times we played.”

“You were cheating!” Buck accuses.

“Nah-uh, I won fair and square every time.”

“This game has to be rigged then.” Buck says.

“No, you are just terrible at it.” His dad says to Buck.

“Says you. You got last place every single time.” Buck argues back

“I never said that I didn’t suck at this game.” His dad points at Buck. “I said you suck at this game. I already accepted that I’m not good at it.”

Buck was about to respond when they were interrupted by the ambulance coming back. And Hen and Chimney getting out of it.

“Well that was stupid.” Chris could hear Chimney talking. “False alarm and then something did happen but they didn’t need us.”

Hen and Chimney made their way up the stairs and into the loft and both stopped in their tracks when they saw Chris.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in Texas?” Hen asks.

“I ran away.” Chris responded. “I don’t like Texas. Everything sucks down there.”

Eddie stood up and walked over to them and started to tell them something. Oh, he forgot about that. His mind got too wrapped up in playing Mario Kart. Chris could see Hen’s face turning sad.

“Chris, do you want to do this up here? Or we could do it in the bunk room or in the ambulance.” Hen says, walking over to him.

“Could we do it in the bunk room?” Chris asks, his voice quiet.

“Of course we can.” Hen responds.

Hen leads him to the bunk room. Chris knew Buck and his dad were following behind them.

Once they got to the bunk room, Hen had Chris sit on one of the beds. She walks away as his dad sits down next to him and Buck sits down next to his dad.

“Okay, is it just one arm or both arms?” Hen asks, walking over to them. She’s now carrying a med kit.

“Both.” Chris whispers. “The most recent ones are on my left arm.”

“Okay.” Hen says. “Can you take off your hoodie for me?”

Chris does what she asks. He closed his eyes as he took it off not wanting to see pity or disappointment in anyone’s eyes. He knows it looks bad. He didn’t have time to clean them properly. He can hear everyone let out gasps.

“Oh, Chris…” Hen says.

He could feel the antiseptic wipes over the cuts. It burned a little. He could feel when she finished his right arm. She put gauze over everything. Then she switched to his left arm.

She did the same thing, wiping his arm with antiseptic wipes and then putting gauze over it.

“Okay, all done.” Hen said. She then handed him his hoodie.

Chris put it on and hugged her.

“Thanks, Aunt Hen.” He said.

“Your welcome, buddy.” She replied.

Chris stayed at the station for the rest of his dad’s and Buck’s shift. He played Uno with Chimney and Ravi, he beat both of them. Then he played Mario Kart with his dad and Buck again. He once again destroyed them which caused Hen and Chim to make fun of them. It was so funny.

Chris realized during this that he was feeling joy. He felt normal. He felt happiness for the first time in a while.

He started to cry when he realized that.

“Chris? Are you okay?” Buck asks him.

“Yeah,” Chris responds, his voice flooded with emotion. “I feel happy. I haven’t felt that in a while. I’m so happy right now.”

Buck then hugged him really tightly. “I’m glad, bud.”

Good things have to end though. His dad’s phone started to ring.

“I’ll be right back.” He said as he got up from the couch. “It’s my parents.”

He went down the loft stairs and was down in the engine bay for a few minutes before he came back. Chris’ heart was starting to beat out of his chest. He didn’t want them to come to LA. He didn’t want to go to El Paso.

“They said that they were going to get a flight here in a few hours.” His dad announced once he reached the top of the stairs. “Cap, can Buck and I have the rest of our shift off? I want to make sure Chris and I have some sleep before we have to deal with them. Buck is going to be there for our emotional support and to make food.”

“Sure thing Eddie.” Bobby responded. “Be safe getting home.”

Chris got up and walked over to Bobby and hugged him, “Bye, Grandpa Bobby. Thank you for letting me stay here for a few hours.”

“No problem kid.” Bobby replied, hugging him back.

He pulled away and then gave Hen another hug.

He then made his way over to where his dads were at the stairs.

“Bye Hen, Chimney, and Ravi!”

“Bye.” All of them responded at the same time.

Chris made his way down the stairs and waited for his dads to change out of their uniforms.

They made their way home. It was a quiet ride with only the soft music from the radio playing in the background. He had his head resting against the window of Buck’s jeep. He could faintly hear crickets chirping outside. He heard the cars around them.

At one point he must have dozed off because soon he’s opening his eyes and they are in the driveway. His dad wasn’t in the car anymore and Buck was getting out. Buck walked over to his door and opened it.

“Wake up, buddy. We’re home.” He said quietly.

Chris was then reminded of after the tsunami. Buck had gone home with them that night because Chris would cry if he couldn’t see Buck. The drive home then was just as quiet and Buck carried him inside that day. Sometimes he misses those days when he didn’t worry about anything. He misses being able to put his worries away. He misses being a kid.

“‘m awake.” Chris mumbles.

“Sure you are, kid.” Buck says chuckling, “Come on, we need to get you to bed.”

“Okay.” Chris responds.

Chris makes his way out of the car and into the house.

Home.

He misses it so much.

He has his comfy bed here. Not the bed in Texas that feels like he’s sleeping on a rock. He also has his dad and his Buck here. He has missed it so much.

He goes straight to his room and collapses onto his bed. God, it’s so soft. He can feel all of his worries and troubles melting away. He is home.

He falls asleep shortly after that. Only waking for a bit when he feels his dad taking off his shoes and getting him fully on his bed and tucked in.

“Thanks, dad. Love you.” He mumbles out.

“I love you too, bud.” His dad replies.

“Night.”

“Good night, Chris.”

He falls asleep immediately after that.

 

~~~~~

 

“He’s asleep.” Eddie says to Buck as he walks into the living room.

“Okay, that’s good.” Buck responds. He’s sitting on the couch scrolling on his phone.

“We need to make sure this house is safe for him.” Eddie says sitting down next to Buck on the couch.

“We should put the knives in the kitchen somewhere he can’t find them.” Buck says. “I’ve been looking things up and that was one of the things it said to do.”

“Okay, let’s get to work then.” He says standing up. “Any ideas on where to hide them?”

Buck shrugs and then says, “Do you have a safe or something?”

“Yes, it’s in my closet. You go grab the knives. Also we should hide the razors that are in the bathroom.” Eddie says. “I’ll go unlock the safe.”

Eddie goes into his room. He unlocks the safe and then waits for Buck.

He can’t believe that his son is back. His kid is home where he belongs.

Eddie feels like his heart is back with him and not 800 miles away in Texas. He feels like his life is whole again.

Almost.

There is one thing that’s missing.

“I grabbed everything I could think of.” Buck says walking into his room.

“Perfect.” Eddie replies. “Just come over here and put them in. Also the code is, 1026. You can get anything out if you are cooking food, just remember to put everything back and lock it.”

“I know, Eddie.” Buck says. “1026, got it. I’m going to write that down on my phone so I don’t forget it.” Buck got up and headed for the living room.

“Okay, I’ll be out there once I lock the safe.” Eddie responds.

He knows what’s missing now.

Buck.

Buck, his best friend who he is in love with.

Eddie figured out he was gay a couple of weeks ago and he also realized that he was in love with his best friend at the same time.

He doesn’t know how to tell Buck. What if he ruins their friendship because of his stupid feelings? He can’t tell Buck.

Eddie walks out to the living room and sees Buck setting up the couch for himself.

“We can share my bed, you know.” Eddie says, startling Buck. “I know how the couch makes your back hurt.”

“It’s fine Eddie. Besides, I want to be out here in case Chris wakes up and needs to talk or something.”

“Okay, I’m going to bed though. I’m really tired.” Eddie says. “Good night, Buck.”

“Night, Eddie.”

Eddie walks back to his room and exhaustion hits him. He changes into pajamas and then lays down. Sleep takes over immediately.

 

~~~~~

 

Chris wakes with a start. He had a nightmare and all he can think about is losing Buck.

He can’t lose Buck. He just can’t. He needs his other dad.

He can’t lose another parent.

He’s crying.

Tears are rolling down his face and his entire body is shaking.

He needs his Buck.

He gets up and walks out into the hallway and he can see someone sleeping on the couch.

He walks over.

It’s Buck.

Relief washes over him. Buck’s here. He didn’t lose him.

He can see Buck opening his eyes and looking at him. He can feel Buck grabbing his arm. He can’t hear what Buck is saying.

“-uddy, what’s wrong?” He hears the end of Buck’s question.

“I-,” Chris’ voice cracks. “I had a dream where you- you died. It was the- the tsunami and you were gone. I can’t lose you Buck. I need you.”

“Buck sits up and hugs Chris tightly. “Oh, Chris, I’m right here. I’m okay.” Buck says into his hair. “We both survived the tsunami. There’s nothing to worry about.”

Chris’ fear melts away. “Can I stay out here with you?”

“Of course you can, bud. Do you want to watch a movie or something?” Buck asks.

“I don’t care.” Chris responds.

He just wanted to know that Buck was okay right now. He doesn’t care what they do, he just needs to be able to see Buck. He leans against Buck and gets comfortable as Buck puts on a random movie.

“Sorry for waking you up.” Chris mumbles as the movie starts.

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize.” Buck says. “I’m always going to be here for you. I’d wake up anytime of the day if you need my help or you just had a bad dream. I love you, kid, I’m always here for you.”

“Thanks Buck. I love you, too.” Chris says.

They stop talking after that. Chris falls asleep sometime during the movie and then wakes up laying on the couch. He can smell something delicious in the kitchen.

He gets up and walks in the kitchen to see Buck making pancakes.

“You’re making pancakes?” Chris asks excitedly. He missed Buck’s pancakes while he was in Texas.

Buck jumps and turns around. “Jeez, bud, don’t sneak up on me like that. You scared me.”

Chris laughs at him. “Sorry.” He was not at all sorry.

“Okay, fine, make fun of me. Just remember I’m that one who is making you pancakes. I could just stop right now and make you have your dads healthy cereal for breakfast.”

“Wait, no, I am sorry.” Chris scrambles to apologize. “I missed your pancakes.”

“I’m just joking, buddy.” Buck says. “I assumed you missed these. Also, I wanted you to have something good before you and your dad have to talk to your grandparents.”

“Are you staying for that?” Chris asks as he sits down at the table in the kitchen.

“I was thinking of leaving before they came.” Buck responds as he flips a pancake. “I don’t want to get in the middle of your family trouble.”

“I want you to stay.” Chris says quietly. He wants both of his dads with him when his dad’s parents show up.

“I can stay if you do want me to. I just assumed that you guys wanted to talk to them alone.” Buck says. He puts a finished pancake on a plate that has 2 other pancakes on it. “What do you want on your pancakes?”

“Just butter.” Chris responds. He hates syrup on pancakes. It is always too sticky and gets on his skin.

“Right, I keep forgetting that you and your dad are weird and hate syrup.” Buck replies putting butter onto Chris’ pancakes and putting them on the table in front of Chris. “What do you want to drink?”

“Just water, please.” Chris says, “Also I don’t hate syrup, I just hate how sticky it is and how it gets everywhere.”

“Okay, Chris. Enjoy your breakfast, I’m going to wake your dad up because your grandparents should be here soon.” Buck says as he walks out of the kitchen and down the hall towards Chris’ dad’s room.

Chris eats all of his pancakes. They always taste so good but they taste even better today because he hasn’t had them in so long. He has had to deal with his dad’s mom’s pancakes that are always half burnt. Buck’s pancakes are always made perfectly.

He is still eating when his dad walks into the kitchen with Buck following right behind him.

“They should be here soon. They just texted me that their flight had arrived and that Tia Pepa is picking them up and driving them here.” His dad said as he grabbed some pancakes and sat down next to Chris.

Buck grabbed some pancakes and sat down next to his dad. Buck then drenched his pancakes in syrup.

“I don’t understand why you like that, Buck.”

“Well, I personally like my breakfast to be sweet and delicious, Eddie.”

“It’s just, syrup is too sticky and it gets everywhere.”

Buck laughed, “Chris said the exact same thing earlier.”

They eventually ate their pancakes. Chris missed this, he missed being at home with his dads. He missed Buck making them breakfast or any meal for that matter. He missed Los Angeles. He missed his home. Now he’s back home and he feels happy, actually happy.

That happiness doesn’t last long, though. There is a knock on the front door and suddenly all of his happiness fled and was replaced with anxiety. He didn’t want to talk to his dad’s parents.

His dad walks over to the door while Buck starts putting the extra pancakes away. Once he’s done with that he leads him into the living room and they both sit on the couch.

His dad’s parents come into the living room a couple of minutes later. His dad follows behind them.

“Why did you leave, Christopher?” Helena asked, “We were worried sick when we couldn’t find you in the morning.”

“I didn’t want to be in Texas anymore. I hate it there.” Chris responded. “I wanted to come home.”

“But, your dad is unstable. That is why you came to Texas in the first place.” Ramon said.

“I went to Texas because I was hurt by what Dad did but then I forgave him.” Chris said back. “I snuck out because I knew that you two would not let me come home. You would make up some bullshit excu-.”

“Language, Christopher.” Ramon interrupted.

“I can talk how I want to talk.” Chris argued.

“Is that anyway to talk to your Abuelo, Christopher?” Helena asked.

“I don’t care about how I talk to you guys.” He said. “I don’t like you two. You make me feel like I’m stupid because you never let me do anything. You always baby me and I hate it. Also, he always tells me to hide my emotions and to stop crying. I’m allowed to have fucking emotions and I’m allowed to fucking express them.”

They sat silent, shocked by what Chris said.

“Also, I was being bullied at school. Kids were making fun of me and being assholes and I tried to tell you. But, you just ignored me. That made me hate myself and do you wanna know what happened?” Chris asked, tears started to gather in his eyes. “I started to think that people would be better if I wasn’t here anymore. I wanted to die. I wanted to hurt myself and I did.”

The room was silent except for Chris’s ragged breathing. Then Buck pulled him into a hug and Chris started to cry. Sobs wracked through him as Buck hugged him tighter.

“Christopher, we didn’t know-”

“Of course you didn’t fucking know!” Chris screamed at them. “I hid it from you because if you knew you would probably baby me even more or say something stupid and make me feel even worse. I hated living with you, I hate Texas, and I don’t ever want to go back.”

Helena and Ramon sat stunned because of Chris’ words.

“Christopher,” Helena stared. “Your dad’s job is dangerous. You don’t know if he is going to die on the job one day. If he does-”

“Oh my God, I’m not going to die, mom.” His dad spoke up. “I know how to be careful on the job.”

“That didn’t stop you from getting shot, Edmundo.” Ramon said back to his dad.

“Well, even if I do die on the job Chris is not going to you.” Helena and Ramon gasped but his dad continued. “He will go to Buck if anything happens. If you’re wondering why, it’s because you are always trying to take my son from me. I trust Buck with him and Buck has been there for us since I met him. He was there during the tsunami, when I got trapped in that well, when I got shot, everything. He is basically Chris’s other dad, so if anything were to happen to me, Chris goes to Buck.”

Helena looked pissed which made Chris snort out a laugh. She then looked at him and her face fell.

“You would rather a random man take care of Chris, rather than his own family?” she asked.

Now his dad looked pissed. “He is not a random man! He is Chris’s other dad. He is Chris’s family. Also, Chris will still have Abuela and Tia Pepa in his life. He will also still have Sohpia and Adrianna in his life.”

“I told you that California was a bad idea, Edmundo.” Ramon suddenly said.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” His dad’s voice turned angry.

“You know exactly what I mean. I thought that the church camp would fix you. When you and Chris’s mother got together I thought you were fixed. Then you moved to Los Angeles and give my grandson to some random man.” Ramon said.

“What?” His dad asked.

“I thought you were fixed and saved from being… you know.” Ramon said.

“That’s why I went to that stupid camp. You thought I was gay.” His dad’s voice sharpened.

“I saw you and that friend of yours, Jason, kissing when you were 14. Of course I thought you were gay. What else was I supposed to think.” Ramon responded. Chris hated him even more now.

His dad’s face turned into a look of shock, “You saw that?” He whispered.

“Yes, Edmundo. You were outside after midnight so I was going to tell you to get to bed. When I got to the back door I saw you and Jason kissing and immediately told your mother.” Ramon said. “We decided to send you to church camp and we told Jason’s mother who sent him to a different one. Both of you came back fixed so we never thought to bring it up.”

His dad’s face turned angry.

“Eddie, we just wanted what was best for you.” Helena said, her voice was soft like she was trying to talk to a hurt animal. Like she didn’t just tell her own son that she sent him to a conversion therapy camp. Chris hated them so fucking much.

“Well, too bad for then, because I am gay. You can’t change that.” His dad said, his voice was sharp.

“Eddie, what are you going to tell Isabel or Pepa. They hold the same beliefs as us.” Helena responded.

His dad then laughed, “I already told them. Guess what? They don’t care, as long as I am happy, they don’t care. They accept me because they love me and they want what’s best for me.”

Helena and Ramon sat in stunned silence for a minute before Helena spoke up again. “Chris, you have to come stay with us. Your father is a bad influence on you.”

That flipped something in Chris. They don’t get to hurt his dad and then tell him that his dad is a bad influence. He never wanted to see them again.

“No! You don’t know anything about my dad.” Chris stood up and pointed at them. “You don’t get to say all of that stupid shit and then try to make me go back to Texas. Fuck you for even thinking that Dad being gay is making him a bad influence on me. My dad is not a afucking bad influence on me. He is my dad and I love him. I don’t care that he’s gay. I wouldn’t care if he was something else. He’s still my dad and I love him.”

The room was silent except for Chris’ ragged breathing.

“Do you want to know who is a bad influence on me?” Chris asked. “It’s you two. It’s you spewing all of your homophobic bullshit about my dad. It’s you guys thinking that sending my dad to conversion therapy was okay. It’s all of that stupid shit. I hate you guys. I never want to fucking see you or talk to you guys ever again.”

Helena then spoke up, “But, we’re your grandparents.”

Chris laughed at that, “Biologically, I guess. But, you are not my grandparents. My grandparents are Bobby and Athena because they would never do anything to hurt me or my dad intentionally or unintentionally, Helena.”

“Christopher, that is not how you talk to your grandmother.” Ramon said.

“I can speak to her like that as much as I want to, Ramon.” Chris said.

“Eddie, you can’t possibly agree with this.” Helena tried to reason.

His dad looked at her and said, “He can call you whatever he wants to call you. You are not welcome back here ever again. Please leave.”

Helena stood and walked to the door, Ramon following her.

“Fine, Eddie.” Helena said coldly, “Goodbye.” The door slammed shut behind them.

Chris sat for a moment and then he walked over to his dad.

“I love you, Dad. I’m sorry about running to Texas and causing this whole mess.”

His dad hugged him back, “Kid, this isn’t your fault. It’s their fault. They have been trying to take you away since you were a baby. They were the ones who sent me to a camp to ‘fix’ me being gay. None of this is your fault. I promise.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“I know, mijo, but it's them who should be apologizing, not you.” His dad said.

Chris pulls away from the hug and then goes over to Buck. He sits down next to him and hugs him.

“I love you, Buck. I’m sorry for dragging you into this mess.” Chris apologizes.

“Buddy, I love you too.” Buck replies. “Also, I want to be here. I want to be here for you and your dad. I want to be able to help you two with whatever you need and whenever you need it. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Chris pulls back from the hug. He is so glad to have his dad and Buck. He is so happy that he decided to come home. He never wants to see Helena and Ramon again.

“Can we have a movie night tonight?” Chris asks.

“Of course we can, mijo.” His dad replies.

“I can make cookies for it, Chris.” Buck says. “You can help if you want to.”

“Of course I want to.” Chris replies. “Thank you for being here for me.”

“Of course, kid. There is nowhere else I’d rather be than here with you two.” Buck says.

Life can be hard but if you have the right people to help you, it can turn out to be alright.