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It's a disgustingly ugly feeling that gnaws at Jason from the inside constantly. Wiggling between his fingers and under the nails, beneath his flesh and burrowing itself deep in his bones, it defines his very being. And as soon as it had arrived, it was gone. It chews his heart and spits it back out, leaving a hollow shell of a person that Jason isn't sure he ever was. Of course, it was always easy to keep moving on. Wearing a mask he'd been given since the day he stepped foot in the world, it was routine. Boring old routine.
With Bruce, things had started to change. But you can't just take a dog off the street and expect it not to come with baggage. One parent in prison, another dead, years worth of trauma beforehand, Jason had plenty of baggage to share. He was sure Bruce would regret taking in such a stray – but he was wrong. Those were the only years of his life he could look back fondly on, finally able to know what it felt like to be unconditionally loved, the kind of love parents would give a child.
Nothing good lasts. Through the highs and lows of life, Jason always ends up back here. Even the memories with Bruce were now tainted with a filth that he couldn't seem to wash. Bitterness pricking at the edge of every once happy memory. There were so many mixed emotions that clashed inside of Jason's head – but there was one that outweighed every other. The overwhelming, brutally scorching feeling of betrayal burning right down to his core.
But that too eventually faded into nothingness, and Jason was left alone again. Some days, it felt as if he hadn't really come back, only traded out his old coffin for a larger tomb. The days start to blend together, and as always – nothing lasts. A few friends, a few team-ups, a few slings, a few jobs, and suddenly a new feeling. Want. Wanting. Wanting to escape this hell of a life he'd been groomed into creating.
. / . / . /
He was spiraling, and he knew this. It was easier to pretend he didn't, pretend that this was perfectly normal and he wasn't acting more reckless than usual. Unfortunately, fate had decided other plans for him. Standing on the roof of a building overseeing Gotham, the night sky was threatening to swallow him up into the void if he dared take a step too close to the edge. The slight breeze felt so good against the skin of his neck as he drank in the night. With a gentle huff of air, he slowly moved to sit down. "What do you want, Dick?" The shadow haunting the sky behind him tensed.
"I'm worried about you. You're being reckless lately, even for you. Despite what B thinks, I know you, Jason. You don't put yourself on the line like this unless somethings wrong." Nightwing stepped into the patch of moonlight next to Jason, finally appearing as more than a vivid hallucination. Jason couldn't help but scoff. Typical hero Dick Grayson. A raw unmistakable feeling trickled down Jason's fingertips. He experimentally flexed his fingers outwards before squeezing them back into a fist, pushing his hands into his lap as they shook.
It was funny, Dick was worried about him. Jason Todd. Only he had died long ago, and standing here was nothing but a cheap imitation of what could have been. "Oh I'm honored. The Nightwing is going to save me from the big bad evil guy! Cut the shit, Dick. Don't pretend you give a fuck, because you and I both know I'm fine," He grit out through clenched teeth. The silence that followed was deafening, nothing between them but the muffled sound of the city beneath their feet. Jason closed his eyes and tilted his head back, letting his senses take a hold of him.
Slow footsteps gradually increased in volume until Jason heard the unmistakable sound of someone taking a seat next to him. "Jason, please don't shut me out. I want to help." The cruel and honest truth was the sooner they all realized Jason was a lost cause the sooner everyone could move on with their lives. Jason didn't dignify that with a response, just tilted his head further back and removed his mask in order to better feel the night. Tearing his eyes open he absorbed the sight presented to him. The starless sky felt like an obscene comfort. Almost like a parent preparing to take hold of him in a bittersweet embrace, and he would let it. It crashed and crumbled down with the gentle chime of a voice. "You can't keep pushing everyone away, believe me I know."
An all too familiar feeling pressed against Jason's mind, a reminder of where he stands in this world. Empty words were always tossed back and forth with no weight and no meaning. Help was always conditional, an unspoken expectance of something in return lacing each and every syllable. Unconditional help and acceptance was something Jason knew he didn't deserve. Which is why Dick Grayson needed to leave. He was always giving too much of himself, Jason knew he wasn't one to talk about self care, but Grayson needed to spend less time on others and more on himself. He understands the whole selfless hero and vigilante ideal, it's part of what pushed him out of the community.
The funny thing is, if it hadn't been this day, or if it had possibly been someone else that approached Jason, he might have accepted help. Fate was a fickle and funny thing. "No. I don't need or want your help. Besides, don't you have enough of your own bullshit you could worry about? Quit playing so damn selfless all the time." Not everyone deserves it. It was harsh. Dick didn't deserve to be snapped at like that, but to Jason it was better this way. If Dick hated him, Jason would accept it.
He didn't wait for a response, only scrambled to his feet and stepped towards the edge of the building. The city consumed him for all he's worth, leaving nothing but a deep blue shadow lost in trance behind on that rooftop.
Jason was never going to let himself close enough to feel that scorching burn of betrayal ever again. He just wished some people would stop wiggling their way through the cracks of his facade.