Chapter Text
Leaning in Erwin’s doorway, eyes locked on his Commander, Levi casually crossed his arms.
“Was it worth it?”
“I think so, yes.” Erwin paused for a few seconds, the weight of Levi’s gaze becoming heavier with each passing second. “The plan may have failed, but we were extremely close to succeeding. It has given us valuable information, and knowledge is all that matters.”
Levi sighed and diverted his attention to the floor, his voice merely a whisper. “But at what cost, Erwin? Do you even realize how many people we just lost?” He pressed his fingers against his furrowed brow, jaw clenched tightly. “I just lost my entire squad and... if it hadn’t been for Mikasa... I- We would have lost Eren too.”
Erwin tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow curiously. “Do you resent me?”
They let the question bounce around the room for a few seconds before making eye-contact. “Levi.. If you have something to say about this; do it now. I don’t want you to have to bring this up later.”
“I don’t- No... No one could have predicted she’d resort to cannibalism.. It’s just... All these people are dead and-” Levi clenched his fists, trying his best to remain calm and not raise his voice. “And for what? You do realize they’ll take Eren away from us, don’t you? I don’t see how you could possibly prevent that.”<
Erwin rose from his seat, facing Levi directly. “We still have Eren for now and he will help us capture the female titan. We will construct a plan and succeed on our next attempt.”
Levi spun on his heels, facing away from Erwin, ready to make his exit. He could tell that this conversation was going absolutely nowhere, if he was going to waste his time he’d rather waste it with Hange, at least she would care about the consequences of losing their newest member. He paused before leaving the room. “You don’t even care if we lose Eren, do you, Erwin?” Levi felt his commander’s heavy hand on his shoulder, willing him to turn in his direction.
“It would be inconvenient to lose the shifter.. But he’s not our priority.” Erwin stared into Levi’s eyes as he tightened his grip. “I placed him under your care so that you’d kill him if need be, not so that you’d get attached to him. I’ll say it again, Eren is not our priority, he’s merely just a tool we can use to our advantages to reach our goal.”
“Tch...” Levi knocked Erwin’s hand off his shoulder.
Erwin relented, “Levi. Do not let your emotions get the best of you. You’re better than this.”
The captain remained silent, his face blank as ever, biting his cheek to avoid saying something he’d later regret. “I’m really starting to think you resent me. I know there was a lot of similarity with.. well.. that mission.. Is this why you’re reacting so strongly?” Erwin made his way towards the door, closing it haphazardly to prevent Levi from leaving. He decided they were going to talk this through, whether he liked it or not. He leaned against the wall nearby, looking down on Levi who remained way too quiet. “If you wish to blame someone, blame that female Titan. She’s the one who murdered them. Direct the hatred you’re feeling right now towards stopping her.” Erwin paused. “Or.. do you blame Eren?”
Levi’s expression darkened at the other’s pointless question. “He had absolutely no fucking clue as to what was going on. You used him as a fucking lure, Erwin. My squad died for your plan, a plan Eren didn’t even know was taking place. He’s already blaming himself for it, you know. I need to see him, I need to make him understand that all this” he gestured ambiguously, “this isn’t on him.”
Levi’s back hit the wall firmly, both of Erwin’s hands holding him there by his shoulders. “You’ve already grown too fond of him, Levi. If it came to it.. could you kill him?” Levi swallowed hard against the lump growing in his throat. “You already know the answer to that.” Erwin pressed him against the wall harder. “He’s our best hope to retake the walls right now, and we’re about to lose him to the military police, how can you ask me stupid questions like that? Why the hell would we even think about killing him?! Don’t you-” He cut himself off, feeling Erwin’s mouth whispering in his ear, his breath trailing over the side of his neck. “Keep your emotions in check, Levi.” He traced Levi’s collarbone with his hand before resting it on his neck, his thumb brushing against the captain’s cheek.
“Can I go now?” Levi’s words lacked their usual harshness as he laid his hand on Erwin’s arm, hinting at him to let him go. The commander moved away slightly, his blue eyes scanning Levi’s body. “Stay here for the night.” Levi gasped. “What? Are you fucking kidding me? Didn’t you listen to what I just said? I’m going to Eren. He needs.. support. He looks up to me, you know that, I could help him.”
Erwin ignored his words as he lowered his other hand down Levi’s body, resting it on his waist, pushing them closer to one another. “Levi.. I don’t think spending time with Eren will do either of you any good. We’ll figure something out tomorrow, we can still make use of Eren to capture the female titan, we just need to figure out who she is. But for now..”
Levi clenched his teeth, inhaling deeply as he turned his head away from his commander, closing his eyes as hard as he could. ‘This isn’t happening..’ He thought to himself, feeling his legs go weak as Erwin’s thumb hook under his jawline, forcefully tilting Levi’s face upwards, colliding their lips together. “Please.. Eren shouldn’t be alone right now I need to go to him..”
Erwin scoffed. “Levi.. he has his friends. He doesn’t need you.”
The words resonated in his head. Erwin was right. Eren wasn’t alone. He didn’t need him. His chest felt tight, his throat choked as tears welled in his eyes, sadness leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Erwin stroked strands of Levi’s hair away from his face softly. “He’s with them now.. stop thinking about him.” Erwin pulled Levi closer to him, pressing their lips together softly, his hand playing in black locks.
“Don’t you want it?” Erwin’s voice was warm against Levi’s lips. “You know I wouldn’t force you, Levi.. You have the strength to stop me if you wanted to...” He slid his hand under Levi’s shirt, teasing the skin with the cold fingers. The commander dove for another kiss, clawing at Levi’s hips as his fingers made their way under his belt, trailing down his v-line.
Levi felt sick to his stomach, his throat feeling tight as he felt dizzier from the lack of oxygen. He really needed to breathe. Erwin broke the kiss before dropping to his knee, unbuckling the captain’s belt before slipping his pants down, kissing his stomach as his hand circled Levi’s dick, beginning a slow jerking motion, encouraged by Levi’s half whimpered moans. “Erwin.. please.. not now..” The commander grinned as he felt it become hard, taking it as consent despite Levi’s absence of it.
He looked up, the captain had his eyes firmly shut, cheeks flushed red, slightly panting as his fingertips rested on his commander’s head, his legs softly shaking as he struggled to keep himself up.
He didn’t love Erwin. The appreciation he felt towards him was entirely intertwined with respect. He had clung to him after losing Furlan and Isabel, and to this day, he let Erwin take every goddamn decision that had to be taken, because if anyone could live with the guilt; it was him. Levi couldn’t stand to make another mistake after the one that cost him his friends’ lives. And so, the first time Erwin had decided he wanted to fuck him, Levi didn’t bother to fight it. Sex had no meaning to him, his mother was a whore, after all. All he’d ever known about sex was that men would pay for it.
A need they had to satisfy with just about anyone. If Erwin had needs and Levi could satisfy them, why would he refuse? Levi had never addressed Erwin as his superior, of course he followed his orders, but their relationship was much closer to friendship than it was to subordinate and superior. He felt as though the ‘favors’ he had granted him throughout the years must have had a play in it, some kind of mutual affection. Not genuine love.
Levi whimpered as he felt Erwin’s finger enter him, stretching him slowly as his commander blew him, pausing to lick along his shaft. “Erwin.. please..” Levi’s eyes were still screwed shut, a small tear begging to be let out but unable to slide down his cheek. Erwin pushed another finger in alongside the other, scissoring them, making sure Levi was prepared enough to take him.
The last thing he wanted was to hurt him, he cared for Levi more than he cared for anyone.
Satisfied, Erwin stood, his hands sliding to Levi’s thighs, lifting him up and pressing his back against the wall, smiling when Levi wrapped his legs around his waist for extra support. “You want this, don’t you, Levi?”
Levi nodded as he draped his arms around Erwin’s shoulders. He deserved it. He knew he could say no and that it would stop, Erwin never had any intention to take advantage of him. But what would be the point? If he could at least be useful to him, as thanks for taking him in, to repay him for giving him a sense of freedom, any way he could, that was it.
It wasn’t that painful, nor was it pleasurable. It never really was. His face was buried in Erwin’s neck, half moaning, half whimpering with each thrust, biting his lip as he wished for it to be over. He could feel his entire body shivering, a shudder in his breath.
"Are you crying?"
Levi’s eyes jerked open. He had let his mind wander as they were doing it, and wasn’t certain if Erwin had even finished, or how long they had been at it. He pulled himself away from Erwin, resting his head back against the wall as he wiped at his eyes, surprised to find some moisture there. He dove his gaze in the ocean that was Erwin’s eyes, feeling himself drown in the despair he found raging in them.
"Did I hurt you?" Erwin’s voice was soft, genuine regret weaving its way through his words as he put Levi down. Watching as he let himself slide down the wall, sitting on the ground. He kneeled in front of Levi, his hands delicately on his shoulders despite the panic in his eyes. “Levi talk to me, did I hurt you?” He struggled to maintain his calm demeanor. “No.. It’s fine.. did you finish?” Erwin didn’t bother to answer as he pulled Levi up, leading him to the bed, insisting he sit on it. “What happened? What’s wrong?” The disgust in Levi's stomach turned to guilt as he noticed Erwin’s trembling hands. He was panicking, well, as much as Erwin could, at least.
He forced a smile as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand, the other vaguely gesturing for them to drop the subject. “I’m just- M-My mind’s not in it, Erwin I.. I’m sorry, it’s not your fault..”
Erwin’s heart sank the moment he saw Levi’s attempt at a smile. No words could express the regret he felt at this very moment. Hundreds of questions crept into his mind as his stomach dropped to his knees. “Erwin, it’s not your fault. I’m fine, you’re fine. We’re okay..” He pulled Erwin in for a kiss, trying his best to bury the conversation, to brush away whatever regret Erwin was feeling. He felt his commander lean into it, savouring it for a few seconds before Levi broke the kiss, a soft look in his eyes as he stood. “I’ll come see you in the morning, I really need to sleep..” he yawned, “ I’m exhausted..”
Erwin cracked a smile as he tried to get a hold of his emotions. “Of course, Levi.. Sleep well, may you wake sufficiently rested.”
Levi quietly got dressed before exiting the room. He closed the door behind him, cooling his forehead against it for a few seconds, wondering if he weren’t better off staying with Erwin for the night. He inhaled deeply, his hand releasing the handle as he made the decision to go back to his quarters. He had already fucked things up enough for one night.
The hallway was dark, a few candles producing a faint resemblance of light, and yet he immediately recognized the figure sitting across from the door to his living quarters; Eren.
He looked asleep, his arms wrapped around his knees, head resting against his forearms.
“Eren?” His subordinate jerked awake, immediately jumping to his feet, instinctively straightening his back and putting a fist to his heart, the other across his back.
Levi couldn’t help but smile despite the sorrow that crept in his throat.
“Levi-Heichou! Sorry I.. I didn’t mean to.. uh.. I..” The captain raised an eyebrow, pointing toward Eren’s salute. “I don’t think there’s any need to give your heart out right now.”
Eren raised his hand to the back of his neck, smiling shyly. “Right..”
Levi made his way into his room, leaving the door open as a silent invitation.
Eren made his way in, gaze locked on his captain who took a seat at his desk, vaguely gesturing towards the chair, implying he wanted Eren to sit with him. “So.. what did you want?”
Eren sat down, his hands resting on his knees. “I-” He looked down, embarrassed. “I wanted to apologize- I-I know it’s not good enough, but... I don’t know what else to do, I.. I’m sorry I couldn’t save them..”
Levi sighed, having foreseen this turn of events. “Eren.. I’m sorry I left you alone back there. It’s not your fault. No one ever knows how these things will turn out.. Just- it’s fine, don’t worry about it.”
Levi tried his best to hide the slight tremor in his voice, he knew exactly what Eren was feeling. The guilt of making the wrong choice, the endless questioning of what could have happened if only...
Eren looked back up, catching Levi staring at him, his grey eyes looking duller than usual.
“Why are you here Eren? Why aren’t you with your friends?” Levi’s question floated in the room. “Oi. Eren.”
Eren looked away, his fingers digging into his thighs. “I..” He almost swallowed his words. “I don’t want to be with them, they.. they don’t understand and.. well..” He chuckled as he tried to hide the sorrow that choked him. “Oh god- I fucking hate myself.” Eren’s strained laughter faded into a twisted sense of misery, flavored with self hatred.
“What do you mean?” Levi’s voice was quiet, devoid of any authority, as he leaned forward in his chair.
Eren vaguely gestured, taking in a deep ragged breath before resuming.
“I’m so fucking stupid. You’re probably in more pain than I am, they were your squad... your... your friends, after all. And here I was hoping that maybe-” His voice cracked, which made Levi’s heart shatter. “Maybe I could stay here? Just for a little while? Just-” Tears found their way down Eren’s cheeks, guilt becoming too heavy to withstand. He wiped his tears away, his breath shuddering as he tried to win his voice back, his face buried in his hands. “Heichou I’m so sorry.. It’s all my fault.. I.. It was all for nothing and.. it’s my fault..”
Levi walked to his subordinate, crouching in front of him, his hands delicately holding Eren’s wrists, gently pulling them away from his face. “Eren, look at me. It’s not your fault, okay? It’s not your fault.” Eren sobs echoed around the room, he tried his hardest to catch his breath, the air battling to get to his lungs. “I’m a fucking failure.” His cries turned back into a soft laughter, a distressed descent into what felt like utter despair, veiled in a glimpse of insanity.
Levi could feel his guts twist with despondency as he squeezed Eren’s wrist in a feeble attempt at support. He had no idea how to deal with any of this, the only thing he could think of was that he should have been there for him earlier. It would have surely been better. It would have helped, if only even a little bit.
Erwin was wrong. Eren did need him, and he had let him down.
He pulled Eren against his chest, holding him tightly. Eren froze at first, but quickly buried his face in Levi’s neck, tears flowing down his cheeks, letting hours worth of trapped sorrow fall on his captain’s shoulder.
“You’re okay.. you’re fine.. I’m sorry, I should have been there... I-” Levi couldn’t find the words. He never could. He waited and waited, feeling as though Eren would drown in his dolour, trying to ignore everything else that crept into his mind.
Eren felt as if he had cried every tear his body was capable of shedding, his cries now dry, his lungs shuddering each time he inhaled air that felt undeserved. He pulled himself away from his captain, muttering a few apologies as he rubbed at his cheeks until they dried.
Levi stood up, cupping Eren’s face in his hands, wishing he could steal the feeling of guilt his subordinate felt. “It’s not your fault. No one knows how these things can turn out.” He knew his words were useless, repetitive, they couldn’t even begin to scratch at the ache that Eren must feel.
“I could have trusted myself..” Eren’s eyes were empty, dissociated, the ocean in them now rendered dark. Levi could feel his world turning upside down, helpless to help him, not like his friends could.
He brushed his thoughts away, now wasn’t the time for comparison. No one should have to go through that pain alone, especially not Eren, and he simply couldn’t bear the sight of him like this.
He looked broken, on the verge of giving his existence up.
“Where were you?” Eren’s question came out of nowhere, his voice far away and devoid of any kind of emotion. His eyes looked incredibly tired, as if they had lost that spark that first drove Levi’s attention to him. “With Erwin.. why?”
“Oh..” Eren looked down. Of course he’d be with Erwin. They were friends, after all. He was only his subordinate and he definitely should have gone to his friends instead of bothering Levi with his angst. “I’m sorry for ruining your evening I-” He paused, eyes still locked on the floor. “I’m going to be transferred to the military police department tomorrow.” Levi felt weak. “I’m guessing they’ll kill me..” He laughed softly, probably at his own misery.
“I don’t mind dying.. but… I just-... God, this is stupid.”
He softly kicked at the ground, searching for the right words.
He took a deep breath as he looked up, falling into Levi’s grey eyes. “Being part of your squad, even if it was short lived.. It was my dream” he smiled sadly, “Having had the chance to be with you, to spend time with you.. It’s more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you, Levi-Heichou.”
“Oi..” Levi had grabbed the collar of Eren’s shirt, pulling him merely inches away from his face. “Don’t you fucking dare act as if you’re going to die. We’ll figure it out.” Eren was calm, a faint smile growing on his lips, his eyes finally showing some sort of presence.
“Can I stay with you tonight?”
Eren wouldn’t have dared to make that request if it weren’t for the utter desperation he felt right now. He had nothing left to lose. Levi slowly let go of his shirt, his hand resting on Eren’s chest. He nodded. Of course he’d want Eren to stay. Right now, he felt as if he’d never want to be away from him, the one person he felt alive with. The one person he truly wanted to be with. Levi didn’t think twice, he pulled on Eren’s shirt, dragging him to his bed. Levi pushed him softly, dropping on top of him, Eren instinctively wrapping his arms around his captain. “You’re so warm..” Levi’s words were merely whispers against Eren’s neck, the heat of his breath sending shivers down his spine.
They remained like this for a while, silent. Levi rested his head on Eren’s chest, listening to the sweet melody of his heart resonating in his chest. He was alive, and he was with him, it was all that mattered at the moment. He felt himself rise with each breath Eren took, his eyes closing shut, wishing for this night never to end. The pain of losing his squad, the failure of the mission, what happened with Erwin... the fear of what tomorrow would hold.. none of it mattered now. He only wished to stay like this for a while longer, to forget about everything. “Are you okay?” Eren’s voice rumbled through his chest, a soft echo, Levi couldn’t recall the last time he had been close enough to someone to hear their voice like this. It was comforting; familiar in a way he could not recall, realizing that in this moment he felt safe.
“Heichou?” Levi answered with a low ‘hm’, his face still buried in Eren’s shirt. “Are you okay?” Eren repeated.
Levi lazily lifted his head, diving into Eren’s ocean eyes. “Am I too heavy?”
Eren chuckled, his captain definitely wasn’t. Nonetheless, Levi rolled to the side, landing next to Eren and cuddling up to him.
“You could have stayed, it was fine..” Levi draped his arm across Eren’s chest, squeezing their bodies together. “I.. I’m happy, I like this but.. are you okay? This.. this really isn’t like you..” He paused, feeling Levi tense against him, preparing to move away. “No-no-no, I like it. I’m just concerned..”
Eren’s voice carried worries that pierced his heart like needles through Levi’s chest.
He didn’t want to contribute to his pain; didn’t want Eren to worry about him.
He should be the one comforting him and yet; the swells of sadness crept into him, his very own thoughts choking him.
“I’m fine.” Levi spat the words as he recalled what had happened earlier, feeling a rise of hatred towards his commander. ‘Oh.. that’s new..’ He thought to himself as he laid in Eren’s arm, his mind wandering in direction he never cared to allow before.
He thought about how he had never felt like this with Erwin, how he never wanted it, how he never missed it; despite how much he cared for him.
He craved Eren’s touch, craved the intimacy, the closeness, and now that he finally had it; he never wanted to have it with anybody else, for it would taint it.
Eren stayed quiet, he felt as if he were on the edge of losing his captain in the same way one would fear waking up from a perfect dream. He didn’t care for tonight to be his last if it meant to remain like this until morning came. Levi felt so small in his arms, so delicate, almost fragile.
He had expected the captain to be pained by the loss of his squad, but it felt as if he was missing something else, something important but just out of sight. Eren didn’t bother to question him further as his hand wandered to Levi’s hair, delicately playing with the black locks. “Eren.. Why are you here? Why are you staying here?”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be..” Had the words come from anyone else, they would have been cliché, but; from Eren’s lips he knew they held as much truth as anything else he ever said.
He held his weight with one arm against the mattress, lifting himself just enough so that he’d face Eren. “You’d tell me if you were uncomfortable with something, right?” Eren nodded, a sweet, innocent look of confusion in his eyes.
Perhaps, time stopped when Levi’s lips met his, but the flutter in Eren’s stomach only intensified. His heart skipped a beat as they melted in the embrace, unsure how to kiss back, for this was his first with anyone. He could only focus on Levi’s warm, soft lips against his.
A dreamy feeling he could have only ever wished for.
Levi pulled away, if only for a mere second, before Eren’s arms dragged him back down, his fingers desperately clutching his hair; needing to feel the warmth of Levi’s breath inviting him to get closer, to steal this moment, to immortalize it in his mind. For if it were the last thing he’d ever do, living would have been worth it.
Although he was laying down, his legs felt weak, the tremor in his arms anchoring him tenderly in this false sense of reality, for this must have been a dream considering how blissful it felt.
As their lips parted, Levi’s eyes slowly opened, a grey sky unveiled only to Eren.
Levi’s never wanted to kiss anyone else but him, for it felt as if they were made for each other.