Chapter Text
Nakamura gazed upon the many couples that were surrounding him, they were happy. His Hirose was happy, then why did he feel so pitiful?
Nakamura felt his heart flutter, he knew all along that his feelings wouldn't be reciprocated. So why does it still hurt so much just to think about it ?
He should be content now that Hirose has found a person to fawn over, a person he'd share his likes and dislikes with, a person that'd make him laugh and always be there with him, and for him.
Nakamura would've hoped to be that person.
But it was impossible. Hirose wouldn't think of him that way. Nakamura was a guy just like him after all.
Is love that cruel? Why couldn't he just be normal?
It had always been like this for him: kids avoiding an odd person who only seemed to want to talk about octupi. And later on, while other teenagers were engrossed in their ultimate teenage love stories, he found himself grappling with his overwhelming feelings for his male classmate, burdened by thoughts he had no one to confide in except his mother or sister, but he didn't like it when they worried, almost as if he were a fragile thing.
Could they all tell that something was wrong with him, except for him?
He was surrounded by happy normal couples. He felt like a cat on a hot tin roof. He couldn't conceal how out of place it made him look even if he wanted to.
He felt like he was the only one standing out in the crowd, the others were exchanging date ideas and calling each other mushy nicknames. It made him recoil.
Would he have gotten a chance to be like this with Hirose? He would be a liar to say that he didn't fantasise about it sometimes, he and Hirose together. He'd tolerate all the sappy couple stuff if it were with him. They'd go on cinema dates, even if he thought it was a horrible first date idea, and they'd wear matching clothes, even if it made him grimace when he noticed other people doing it in public.
It didn't matter as long as if it were Hirose.
He sped up his steps as he felt like his heart was all the way in his mouth, almost choking on it.
Nakamura truly despised Valentine's Day.
He walked up the stairs and paid no mind to his mother's worrying sentiment and his sister's snarky comment about him receiving no chocolate or date.
But she was spot on, nobody felt towards him that way after all.
Isn't that why Hirose had asked him if he had gotten a gift from anyone? He probably pitied him as well. Nakamura couldn't blame him, he also pitied himself.
His bag was long ago thrown to the farthest corner from where he sat on his bed, head buried deep in his pillow, which was damp by now. No matter how hard he tried, the tears still came. Pouring heavily down his cheeks like an overflowing faucet.
He was truly miserable.
His whole face burned red, droplets of tears mixed with his drool and snot. Nakamura felt disgusting. How was Hirose supposed to fall for a guy like him? He couldn't even get his act together for crying out loud.
He knew the outcome of this meaningless crush of his right from the beginning. It was stupid of him to stay up at night imagining scenarios where he built up the courage to confess his feelings and that they'd get reciprocated, as much as he felt so pathetic for it. It made him happy, or it used to.
Just the thought of how naive he had been all this time, clinging to even the slightest hope that his superficial fantasies might come true, struck him as utterly foolish. There was simply no world in which his love for another man would be accepted.
Nakamura heard the faint voice of his sister calling upon him from the outside of his room.
Would his family accept him? Or would they just think of him as a freak?
Wouldn't it be better if he spared them the disappointment? They would be just fine without an anomaly in their lives, right?
He wiped the few stray tears with the collar of his shirt, he sniffed quietly, his cries buried deep inside his throat.
Maybe there was a way to unravel this mess.
Nakamura rushed to get his jacket and hurried down the stairs, ignoring the sound of his mother calling for him.
He drove his bike for what felt like an eternity until he came to a halt at some place he didn't seem to recognise.
The bright orange look of the smouldering sky reminded him of that day on the field trip.
The sombre lights from the town's buildings almost made this view look lovely from where he was standing.
Nakamura collected his breath as he stepped closer to the edge of the hill.
Realising how grave a mistake it was to come here in the first place, his breathing became shallow as his heart skipped a beat, it almost felt like when he was on a rollercoaster, the moment where it was right at the crest of the ride before it went straight down.
Nakamura couldn't contain his fear, now that it all seemed too factual, he could sense that his whole body was trembling from head to toe.
The cold breeze made him wince when it touched his tear-soaked cheeks. A silent reminder of why he wound up here in the first place.
Right.
He didn't want to keep on clinging to these uncanny feelings of his. They were a burden to him, and to Hirose, he didn't want the latter to pity him just because Nakamura couldn't help but gush over his existence. He needs him to focus on his own happiness after all.
The cold metal of the barricade made him shiver all over.
With a tremoring hand, he managed to get himself on the other side of the railing.
Nakamura felt like his heart was on the brink of combusting. He was breaking out in a cold sweat.
He took deep breaths.
Was it really how he would fall to his demise?
"Are you sure he's going to be fine?" The worried mother said while setting the plates down on the dining table.
"Yes, Mom, can we get to it now?" Kana replied, seemingly running out of patience with each passing minute that her stomach wasn't getting fed.
"Well, I'm just worried about him." Her mother grabbed her phone, which was lying on a nearby coffee table.
"And I'm hungry."
"I'm going to call him, just to check."
She could hear her daughter mumbling something while having a spoonful of half-unchewed food in her mouth.
With trembling fingers, she pressed on his caller ID. On the fourth ring the call was forwarded to voicemail. She pressed the call button over and over again to no avail.
Her daughter must've noticed, since she was currently face to face with her.
Kana reassured her that she had nothing to worry about. Everything was going to be fine, and later they'd all end up laughing at how she was fussing over nothing.
She truly hoped those comforting words weren't just for the sake of getting her to stop worrying.