Archive of Our Own

The pain was excruciating, torturous, every punishing thrust feeling like it was tearing up his insides. His head was jerked back with a rough yank of his hair. A cruel voice spat out, “You’re a filthy, fucking faggot whore, Merlin. And we’re gonna show you just how fucking disgusting you are.” He was aware of something moving in front of him, angling for his mouth. The grip on his head became tighter, rougher, the thrusting unbearably harder. Darkness danced behind his eyes as a hand clamped over his mouth to stifle his screams...

Merlin woke with a start, his heart pounding, his breathing frantic, his entire body drenched in sweat. He looked around in the darkness, taking in the familiar surroundings of his dimly lit bedroom, his breathing and pulse slowing as the comforting familiarity set in.

A night panic, brought on by the nightmare.

He eased out of bed and stepped quietly into the hallway to the bathroom. He ran the tap and scooped a handful of cold water over his face, then forced himself to look at his reflection in the mirror. His face was pale but his cheeks were flushed, and there were dark haunting circles under his eyes. Not a pretty sight but then he had never thought of himself as very attractive. He was mostly awkward looking – misbehaving hair, ears that stuck out too much from his head, run-of-the-mill blue eyes, and far from perfect teeth. Will said he had fantastic cheekbones and ‘pretty’ bow lips but Merlin didn’t see anything special in these features. He wasn’t hideous but his face (and accompanying lanky body) weren’t exactly the kind of attractive someone could fall in love with – certainly not at first sight and very probably never.

He returned to his room and crawled back into his bed, hoping he’d be able to fall back asleep now that the panic had subsided. He needed the rest to be able to face the day that was still to come.

Thankfully, the nightmares had been coming less frequently. Merlin supposed this one had been brought on by the anxiety he was feeling about starting at a new school. He knew he couldn’t go back to MHS – even without the suggestion from his therapist, he knew – but MHS was where Will was, his one stable rock (besides his mum, of course), his safety net, his best friend. Will had tried to convince his own mother to send him to Camelot Secondary with Merlin for their last year but Mrs. Evans did not think it was very practical to do so. She was right. As it was, Merlin’s mother, a nurse who usually worked the afternoon shift at the hospital in Mercia - would now have to drive Merlin to school in the mornings in the neighbouring city of Camelot and then Merlin would have to take the subway home. It was not an ideal arrangement, especially with Hunith worried about her son’s well-being and safety, but it was the one they had agreed on.

A new school, a fresh start, his therapist had said. Merlin so very much wanted to believe her. He closed his eyes and mentally put all of the bad thoughts away in a box while taking out all of the good ones, just the way Dr. Kilgharrah had taught him. His breathing slowed, his body relaxed. And somewhere in the middle of locking away all of the bad stuff, he fell asleep.

**

“You look tired, love,” Hunith Emrys remarked, concern in her soft voice. “Nightmare again?”

Merlin shook his head as he poured himself a glass of orange juice. “No,” he lied, not wanting his mum to worry about him. “Just a restless night,” he told her. His mother scrutinized him, looking for signs of covering, as Merlin knew she would, but he had gotten good at keeping things hidden, even from his mum who knew him best of all. “Doesn’t feel right starting back at school without Will,” he offered as further explanation, something he knew his mother would readily accept. Besides, it didn’t feel right.

Hunith put a hand to Merlin’s cheek. “That’s understandable,” she said. “Will is your oldest and best friend. I’m sure he’s thinking the same.” His mother smiled at him. “But you’ll meet some nice kids at Camelot. And there’s no way we can keep Will from coming over after school. Does his mum not feed him?”

Merlin laughed. It was true that Will ate at Merlin’s house more often than his own. It was Hunith’s cooking that enticed him and kept him coming back. Will’s own mother, a diner waitress going on twenty years now, had the culinary skills of a plumber. As she frequently told the boys: “I serve. I don’t cook.”

He had already gotten three texts from Will that morning – asking how he was feeling, what he was wearing, and what king’s meal he was having for breakfast. Merlin’s responses had been brief but informative: okay. jeans and shirt. eggs on toast. To Merlin’s last text, Will had responded: jerk.

**

It took twenty minutes to drive from their house in Ealdor to Camelot Secondary School. A small town with roughly fifteen hundred people give or take, Ealdor was almost smack dab between the cities of Mercia and Camelot. Mercia was slightly closer by about ten miles so Merlin had gone to Mercia High School when starting his secondary education. But that was before what had happened. Now, for his last year, Merlin was going to Camelot Secondary.

“Don’t forget to say hello to Uncle Gaius for me,” his mother was saying as she pulled up in front of the school, in queue with several other cars.

Uncle Gaius was Hunith’s uncle, which made him Merlin’s great-uncle. He was a nice older man who came to Sunday dinner occasionally and told interesting stories. He also happened to be a chemistry teacher at CSS, whose class Merlin was enrolled in, chemistry being one of his best subjects.

“And be careful taking the subway home,” his mother said, attempting to keep her tone neutral. But Merlin knew better.

She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and smiled. Merlin could see the worry behind the mask, the lines in her face showing. His mum had been through so much with him. And it had made her age mercilessly. She worked long, tiresome hours to support them (finances had gotten tight when she had taken leave from work while he was in hospital and for a month afterward) and was stretching both time and their budget thin by sending him to this new school. Whatever he had to do, Merlin would make it work – for his mum, who had sacrificed so much for him.

Merlin smiled back at her. “I’ll be fine, mum.” He let himself out of the car, gave his mum a little wave, then joined the bustle of kids making their way into the school.

**

Merlin’s first stop was the school office to pick up his class schedule and to find out his locker assignment. He made his way through the scores of students flowing down the hallways, looking for the locker numbered 422, following the directions he had been given. He found it after only two false starts and began unloading his belongings, ignoring the buzz of his cell phone that indicated he had another text from Will. This was a new school and Merlin didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot by breaking school rules on his first day.

A pretty girl with dark curls and cafe latte skin in a flattering purple sweater opened up the locker beside him. She gave Merlin a bright smile and said, “Hi! I’m Gwen. You’re new.”

Merlin lifted his eyes shyly and smiled back at her. Apparently, he wasn’t going to be able to just “blend in” like he had hoped. “I’m Merlin,” he said. “Hi.”

Gwen gave him an impossibly bigger and brighter smile than before. Another girl – this one with dark auburn hair and freckles – suddenly bounced beside her. Gwen giggled and said, “Freya! This is Merlin.”

Freya gave Merlin a thorough once-over. He tried very hard not to blush but knew he wasn’t successful when he felt the heat creep over his cheekbones. “You’re cute,” Freya proclaimed boldly. Gwen giggled again and Merlin blushed some more.

Gwen and Freya insisted they cross-check their schedules with Merlin’s and found that Merlin and Freya had Chemistry together right before lunch, that Gwen and Merlin had History in the afternoon together, and that all three were in the same Calculus class. This made Gwen squee and Freya smile and Merlin felt both warmed and overwhelmed by this. It seemed he had made two friends already and it was still fifteen minutes before his first class officially started. Maybe his mum was right.

He grabbed a notebook, a couple of pens, and the textbooks for his first class – English – and secured the combination lock on his locker. He started walking, glancing down at the timetable in his hand, indicating the room he needed to go to. Since he didn’t know his way around yet, Merlin figured he’d better get a head start.

He heard a shout and glanced up. But his vision was blocked by a body – a hard body, as it turned out – that ploughed into him, knocking him to the floor of the hallway, sending his books and pens flying and scattering everywhere.

“Arthur Pendragon!” Merlin heard Gwen scold as he attempted to gather his wits after having been knocked off his feet – literally – which was all together embarrassing.

A hand extended out toward him. Merlin’s eyes locked onto it then slowly travelled up a strong-looking forearm to a t-shirt clad shoulder. The face beyond was grinning down at him.

“Sorry, mate,” perfect lips said and Merlin couldn’t help but stare. When he was able to drag his eyes away from them, it was only to notice blindingly white but slightly crooked teeth, a determined chin, a stubborn-looking nose and sky blue eyes, framed by shiny, golden stylish-messy hair. Merlin continued to stare, the only thing his mind could process at that moment: bloody gorgeous.

The hand wagged in front of him. Merlin came to his senses long enough to grab it and allow himself to be pulled to his feet. “Thanks,” he mumbled and began collecting his scattered books and pens. He avoided looking at the golden-haired beauty, already feeling the anxiety starting to build.

The blond helped him, handing Merlin his notebook and one pen. Merlin mumbled another “thanks”, risking a brief dart of his eyes to meet those incredible blue ones. He knew it was a mistake when he saw how those eyes sparkled and heard the sound of his pulse beating in his eardrums. He needed to get out of there. Fast.

He gathered the last book then rushed off down the hallway, pushing his way through the crowd, looking desperately for a restroom where he could take refuge.

**

Arthur watched the lanky dark-haired boy rush off through the crowd of students making their way to class or to lockers. He did not know who the boy was – he must be new, Arthur thought – but he had definitely made an impression on him: dark messy hair, deep blue eyes, incredible high cheekbones, and full pink lips. He was by far the most beautiful boy Arthur had ever seen. Not that he was generally prone to thinking boys were beautiful, but this one....well, the only word to describe him was: wow.

Elyan slapped him on the back, pulling Arthur out of his momentary reverie. “Nice going,” his best friend teased.

He started to reply but was cut off by a painful pinch to his arm, inflicted by Elyan’s twin sister Gwen.

“What is wrong with you?” she reprimanded, her pretty face set severely. “Merlin’s new here and the first thing you do is knock him over!”

Elyan laughed and Gwen fixed him with a stare. “Oh, don’t think you’re getting off,” she told him. “It was your fault for tossing him that stupid ball.”

“It was an apple!” Elyan protested but his gaze nonetheless fell to the floor and his feet began to shuffle.

Arthur’s lips quirked at the way Elyan seemed to quiver under the pressure of his sister’s scolding. It had always been like that. He had known Elyan and Gwen since kindergarten and Gwen clearly wore the pants in their twin sibling relationship.

“So his name’s Merlin?” he said, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction for both his and Elyan’s sake.

Gwen nodded. “He’s very sweet,” she told them, “so you better be nice to him. Both of you.” She gave her brother a pointed look. “Or Freya and I will beat you senseless.”

At the mention of Freya, Elyan looked alarmed and appeared to squirm. Arthur grinned. It wasn’t that Elyan was afraid of Freya – all five feet, two inches of her – but that he liked her. He denied it, of course, but he and Gwen both knew Elyan had a crush on his sister’s best friend. And Gwen had no qualms about using Freya as a way of curbing Elyan’s misbehaviour. To curb any misbehaviour on Arthur’s part, she usually just resorted to pinching. It was surprisingly very effective.

The bell for first class sounded. Arthur gave Elyan a shove to propel him towards the classroom where old Mr. Monmouth would be waiting to teach them history.

Arthur glanced around as he and Elyan took seats, hoping to find a dark-haired boy with high cheekbones, but there was no Merlin – in this history class at least. Still, Arthur had four other classes, which meant that there were four more chances he’d be seeing Merlin again.

**

Merlin had found the boys’ washroom on route to his classroom and quickly slipped in, needing a few moments to help rein in the anxiety. Running into the gorgeous blond boy – Arthur he thought Gwen had said – had triggered memories of another boy: One who was dark-haired not blond with green eyes instead of blue, but as fit and athletic as this Arthur was.

His name was Britt. And Merlin had fallen for him – hard and quick. At first it had been a crush from a distance. Britt had been the captain of the basketball team and a track and field superstar at MHS, and Merlin had dragged Will to every game and track meet he could in order to obsess over the object of his affections. Though he and Britt had been in the same year, it seemed Britt hadn’t even known Merlin existed – a point Will had beleaguered at length but that Merlin had refused to listen to. But sometime during the middle of third year, things had changed. Britt had started to noticehim. He had started being friendly, winking and smiling at Merlin, inviting him to his games and meets and even to get-togethers with friends after school. Merlin had started to believe that his crush was being returned, that the feelings he had for Britt were being reciprocated, and that Britt had fallen for him the same way he had fallen for the gorgeous green-eyed jock.

But Britt had played him. He had pretended to be interested in Merlin, luring him into a false sense of security, an unknowing happy bubble. And if that hadn’t been enough, Britt had then set out to completely destroy him.

He had texted Merlin to meet him in the park that night, coaxing him by telling Merlin he wanted to talk about “feelings and stuff”. Merlin had left Will’s house right away, a grin on his face, despite his best friend’s expressed trepidation. Will was pessimistic by nature so Merlin hadn’t really put too much stock in his chum’s nay-saying.

When he had gotten to the park, Britt had been waiting – alone – by the playground area. But as Merlin had moved to meet him, five of Britt’s jock friends had swarmed around him. Merlin had been caught by surprise and had looked to Britt for some explanation. But Britt had laughed sinisterly, saying cruelly, “You didn’t really think, Merlin, that I’d actually fall for a poof like you, did you?” Britt had spat at the ground while his friends chuckled ominously. “You disgust me. You’re a filthy, fucking faggot. And now you’re gonna find out just how much we hate faggots.”

It had gotten ugly after that. Merlin was grabbed and held down, barely able to breathe. He was sexually assaulted by four of them, including Britt, hateful jeers and insults shouted at him. He was kicked, punched, spat on and then left for dead – a bloody, battered, beaten mess.

It had been Will’s suspicious pessimism that had saved him. Having been unable to reach him on his mobile – Merlin had slipped into unconsciousness before the group had finished and fled – Will had gone to the park and had found Merlin - unconscious, exposed, and bloody.

Merlin spent five weeks in hospital recovering from the injuries of the group assault – broken ribs, severe sprains to both wrists, cuts and lacerations on his face and upper body, general bruising on his neck, anal tears and abrasions as well as rectal hematoma, and damage to his esophagus caused by having cocks forced down his throat. Will had first believed Merlin was dead when he had found him, and it had been no wonder given the injuries he had sustained.

The physical healing took time but most of the scars were emotional ones. While in hospital, Merlin had talked to a psychiatrist to deal with the psychological damage, continuing therapy on a weekly basis after his release. This therapy helped Merlin to cope with the depression and panic attacks that were the result of post traumatic stress disorder and to regain a sense of self-worth and esteem. Seeing Dr. Kilgharrah once a week was good for him, but Merlin knew it stretched his mother’s budget considerably – Merlin also had to have a private tutor in order to finish the school year - and this made him feel very guilty. So instead of continuing the weekly sessions he had suggested making them monthly now that school had restarted, after convincing his mum and Dr. Kilgharrah that he was “okay” enough to do so.

He heard the sound of a bell, signalling it was time for first class. Merlin blew out a sigh. He was going to be late for his first class on his first day, despite the care he had taken to get a head start. He knew he’d be excused – the school counsellor had been made aware of his circumstances and would write a note to excuse his lateness if needed – but this didn’t make Merlin feel any better. He wanted this to be a fresh start. So Merlin grabbed his books and hurried off to English class.

**

Merlin made it to his second class of the day – Chemistry – with minimal delay. When he entered the classroom he immediately spotted Freya, who gave him a little wave, and joined her at the lab table.

He was already feeling better, more comfortable than he had earlier that morning. First, this was Chemistry, a subject he tended to excel at. Second, the class was being taught by his great-uncle Gaius. And third, he had made a friend – Freya – whom he could pair up with as a lab partner.

But this feeling of comfort wasn’t to last long. Once all students had found seats, Gaius – Mr. Gaius, as he preferred to be called – surveyed the class astutely then began making changes.

“Ms. King,” he said, nodding toward a petite blond girl at a lab table in the second row, “Please switch places with Mr. Muirden.” Gaius looked around again then said, “Mr. Alvarr, switch places with Mr. Taliesan. And...” He now looked toward the back row of tables. “Mr. Valiant, switch places with Mr. Emyrs and join Ms. Lake.” Gaius looked at Merlin and said kindly, “Merlin, you can join Mr. Pendragon at the back.” He nodded in the direction of the blond boy who had bumped into Merlin in the hallway that morning.

Fuck.

Merlin’s lips turned into a frown which he shot toward Freya but he gathered his books obediently and made his way to the back corner table where an empty stool now sat beside Arthur Pendragon. Merlin decided he would talk to Gaius after class about reconsidering the assignments, as he did not know how he was going to be able to cope with being paired with this boy who had already managed to make him feel anxious.

Arthur couldn’t believe his luck.

“Hi,” he said to Merlin as the dark-haired boy took up the stool beside him. “I’m Arthur. Guess we’re gonna be lab partners.”

Merlin mumbled something that might have been a return ‘hello’ or a sour ‘fuck off’, Arthur couldn’t be sure. He was fairly sure, however, that for the rest of the class period Merlin did everything possible to avoid looking at him or making small talk and that, despite this, Arthur still found Merlin adorably attractive and wanted to get to know him better.

When class ended, Arthur intended to exchange contact information with Merlin, using the excuse of needing to work with each other as lab partners, but before he could even get a word or gesture out, Merlin clapped his textbook shut and quickly made his way up to the front of the classroom to catch old Gaius.

It was definitely going to be a challenge getting to know the new kid, Arthur thought, as he packed up his own belongings and then hurried out of the classroom for lunch.

**

Merlin waited until every student had gone before making his case to Gaius.

“I’d really prefer to work with Freya,” he said, trying hard to meet his uncle’s eyes so that the insistence he wanted to convey could be communicated effectively.
Gaius raised his eyebrow.

Merlin knew Gaius was very much aware of what he had been through. As the only family his mum had left in the area, Uncle Gaius had been her sole source of comfort, the one who had helped her cope with the trauma Merlin had endured. For Merlin’s sake, Hunith Emrys had remained strong. But Merlin knew his mother had felt incredible pain for what he had experienced and had felt (and still felt) guilt at failing to keep him safe from the evils of this world. She would never have expressed these things to Merlin, so it was Gaius she had unburdened herself.

“I understand,” Gaius said kindly and Merlin almost let out a sigh of relief. “But--”
Merlin hated when there was a ‘but’.

“I am faced with a dilemma that requires sorting and that fits the best interests of all.” Merlin must have looked confused because Gaius smiled then offered further, “You see, Ms. Lake is a very competent student of Chemistry. And you, my boy, happen to be more than just a little competent. In fact, I’d say you’re quite brilliant when it comes to Chemistry.” Merlin was surprised but pleased to hear this. “Mr. Valiant is a capable student but very lazy. Ms. Lake will not allow him to ride on her coattails. Arthur Pendragon struggles with Chemistry but has potential if given the right opportunity. He’ll not get this opportunity if paired with Valiant, but he will get it with you.”

The old man put a hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “Arthur is a good lad,” he told Merlin. “And I would not have paired you with him as a lab partner if I thought it would jeopardize your well-being in any way. You’re going to have to trust me, Merlin. ” Gaius searched Merlin’s eyes with his for a moment. “Can you do that?”

Merlin thought for a moment then nodded. He knew Gaius had his best interests at heart and that he would never intentionally cause Merlin any undue stress. Merlin understood that. Dr. Kilgharrah had said that he needed to slowly expand his circle of trust in order to get control over his anxiety and panic. Baby steps, she had said. Trusting Gaius’ judgement to pair him with Arthur Pendragon qualified as expanding the circle and it was considered a baby step. Merlin could do this.

He thanked Gaius for listening and then headed off to lunch.

**

Gwen and Freya waved him over once Merlin had filled his tray and paid for his lunch. Grateful for their friendliness, he took a seat at their table.

“So, how was Chemistry?” Gwen asked Freya and Merlin, her nose crinkling in what appeared to be distaste.

“Gwen doesn’t get chemistry unless it’s between people,” Freya explained then launched into her take on the class. “Got stuck with Valiant as a lab partner, the lazy sod. He can forget about copying my homework or weaselling out on doing his share of the lab work or I’ll make mincemeat of his balls.”

Gwen giggled. Merlin gulped, feeling his own testicles contract in sympathetic horror. Gaius had pegged that one.

“Of course, Merlin got paired with Arthur,” Freya continued. “He’ll need help,” she said to Merlin. “Chemistry is definitely not Arthur’s thing but at least he’ll do the work – even if he does blow things up occasionally. And he’s not bad to look at.”

Merlin did his best to process all of this at once. “Wait,” he said. “Blow things up?”

Gwen giggled again and Freya laughed. “I said he makes up for it by being cute,” Freya defended but did not expound any further.

“Arthur is my twin brother’s best friend,” Gwen volunteered. “He can be a twit sometimes, like he was this morning when he tackled you in the hallway trying to catch an apple of all things, but he really is a nice guy.”

Freya rolled her eyes and Gwen scowled at her. Merlin didn’t know what to say as he was sure they were communicating in some kind of girl-code or something so he went with, “You have a twin brother?”

Gwen nodded. “Elyan.” She gave Freya a look – apparently another code thing that Merlin couldn’t begin to decipher.

The girls fell into familiar conversation while Merlin ate his lunch. He listened keenly to the tidbits offered up by Gwen and Freya in an effort to catch up on the social gossip in swing at Camelot Secondary.

It wasn’t until he was replacing his tray and disposing of his waste that he caught sight of Arthur Pendragon again. The blond boy was with a good-looking darker skinned boy Merlin presumed was Elyan, Gwen’s twin. As if he knew he’d caught Merlin’s attention, Arthur suddenly looked toward him, catching his eyes.

Merlin resisted the urge to look down or away. Instead, he offered a tentative and shy but friendly smile. Baby steps.

**

Arthur took Merlin’s tentative but friendly smile as a promising sign and renewed his intention and effort to get to know Merlin better. This proved to be a less than simple task since he and Merlin only had Chemistry together so interactions beyond the boundaries of the classroom were somewhat limited. But Arthur Pendragon never backed away from a challenge and he wasn’t about to back away from this one.

One thing definitely in his favour was that Gwen had befriended Merlin from Day One and had characteristically folded him into her circle of friends within which Arthur was included. Plus, Gwen was Elyan’s twin sister. Elyan was Arthur’s best friend. Elyan had a crush on Freya, who was Gwen’s best friend. As far as Arthur was concerned, then, he was in a prime position. He could get to know Merlin and help Elyan’s crush along, and avoid Gwen’s pinching by staying on her good side by being nice to Merlin and helping to propel the Elyan-Freya romance along. It was win-win all around.

He started by inviting himself and Elyan to sit with Gwen, Freya and Merlin at lunch. Then he asked Merlin for his help with Chemistry.

“I may have a tendency to mix things that end up exploding,” he confessed to Merlin during class the next week. “Gaius would probably give you bonus points if you could stop me from doing that,” he added and saw Merlin grin.

“I could do that,” Merlin said, half-mumbling. “Don’t want you blowing things up around me.”

“Think you could help me with some of those assigned problem sets too?” Arthur asked, mentally crossing his fingers. He really did need the help but he didn’t want to push his luck too far with Merlin.

Merlin shrugged. “Sure,” he replied.

Arthur was elated. So far his game plan was working wonderfully.

**

Merlin was heading in the direction of the subway station when a sleek, red sports car pulled up alongside the curb. The window powered down, revealing Arthur in the driver’s seat.

“Need a lift?” he asked.

Merlin looked toward the subway station and then back at Arthur. He knew he should probably decline. First, his mum expected him to take the subway home. That was the arrangement and his mother trusted him to stick to it. Second, Merlin lived outside of Camelot and couldn’t expect Arthur to drive twenty minutes out of his way to drop Merlin at his house.

“I live out in Ealdor,” he told Arthur. “It’s too far for you to drive.”

“It’s only fifteen or twenty minutes,” Arthur said. “No big deal.” When Merlin still looked reluctant to take the ride, he added, “Maybe we could run through some chemistry problems at yours?”

Despite lingering reluctance, Merlin decided to take the ride Arthur offered. It was more than a baby step but he felt ready to make a larger leap. Arthur had been joining Merlin, Gwen and Freya for lunch the past couple of weeks and they had been getting on well in Chemistry. Even Gaius had commented that Merlin seemed to have a positive influence on Arthur’s work in Chemistry and that he had expected them both to do well on the lab assignments.

They made small talk in the car on the twenty-minute drive to Merlin’s house. Arthur asked Merlin how long he had lived in Ealdor – “his whole life”, he had replied - and Merlin was thankful that Arthur didn’t probe further when Merlin answered that “my mum thought it was a better school” in response to Arthur’s question of why he had transferred to Camelot Secondary for his last year instead of continuing on at Mercia.
Arthur asked to use the bathroom once Merlin had let them into his house and headed for the kitchen for some refreshments. He pointed Arthur in the direction of the bathroom just off the den then grabbed the carton of juice from the refrigerator and collected two glasses from the cupboard.

As he poured juice into the second glass, Merlin heard an enthusiastic “Hey!” which was followed by knuckles rubbing lightly into his scalp, causing the carton to move from its mark and juice to spill over the counter.

Will hopped up onto the island counter, swiping the full glass of juice and chugging half of it back. He wiped the back of his hand across his lips and grinned mischievously at Merlin.

Merlin mentally gave himself a smack. He had forgotten about Will. Will – who came by his house every afternoon after school and had done so like the tick of a clock for the past ten years.

“Uh--” Merlin started to say, grabbing a towel to wipe up the spill. He thought it best to warn Will about Arthur, but before he had the chance, Arthur came strolling back into the kitchen.

Will raised his eyebrows. He looked at Merlin then at the glass he had swiped then at Arthur, putting the pieces together. “Oh,” he said to Merlin, looking affronted. “I didn’t know you had company.” He gave a quick nod to Arthur and said, “I’m Will. Merlin’s best friend” intentionally putting emphasis on “best friend”. And like the obnoxious twat he could be, Will tipped the glass he was holding – now fully aware it had been meant for Arthur – and drained it. Merlin was surprised Will refrained from smacking his lips together in satisfaction.

“This is...” Merlin began introducing, handing his guest the other glass of juice.

“Arthur. Pendragon,” Arthur finished for him.

“Arthur is my chem lab partner,” Merlin found himself explaining to Will, who was glaring at Merlin’s guest with thinly guised suspicion. “He gave me a ride home. We were going to go over some chemistry problems.”

Arthur took a drink of his juice then set the glass down on the counter. He glanced at Will briefly then looked at Merlin. “You know what? We can do this another time,” he said and Merlin suddenly found he was disappointed. He had wanted to try to get to know Arthur a little better and studying Chemistry had seemed like the safest way to start.

Stupid Will.

Merlin walked Arthur to the door. “I’m really sorry about...” he said, gesturing with his thumb toward the kitchen, hoping to convey his apologies for Will.

“Don’t worry about it,” Arthur said, giving Merlin a smile. “I still need your help with Chemistry but I’m okay with getting together and going over problems another time.”

“Yeah?” Merlin felt hopeful.

Arthur grinned. “Yeah.”

Merlin watched Arthur walk out to his car parked at the curb, get in, and drive away, feeling reasonably comfortable that an opportunity had not totally slipped by.

When he returned to the kitchen, Will was still sitting atop the counter, now swinging his feet carefree.

Merlin gave him a look.

Will didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed. “What?”

“You know what,” Merlin said, brushing past Will rather brusquely. He busied himself with collecting the glasses, setting them in the sink, in order to temper his annoyance with his best friend.

“So what’s he play?” Will asked.

“What?” Merlin replied, confused.

“Play. As in sports,” Will clarified. “I know your type, Merlin, remember?”

“No idea,” Merlin mumbled. There was no way he’d admit to Will that he might have heard Gwen mention that Arthur played on the school rugby team. “He’s my chem lab partner.”

“He gave you a ride home,” Will pointed out as if that mattered in determining that Arthur Pendragon was Merlin’s ‘type’.

“So?” Merlin countered weakly. “He caught me on my way to catch the subway and offered to give me a lift.”

“You shouldn’t take rides from strangers.”

“He’s not a stranger,” Merlin argued, his face starting to get hot in frustration. “I just told you. He’s my chem lab partner.” He could feel the tears stinging the back of his eyeballs.

Will hopped down from the counter. He put a hand on Merlin’s shoulder and said, “You just need to be careful, that’s all.”

Merlin knew Will’s intention was only to protect him but he still felt the anger bubble up inside him. “Don’t you think I went through fucking hell enough to know that?” he tossed at his best friend. “Fuck, Will.”

“That wasn’t your fault, Merlin,” Will said softly.

Merlin had gone through countless hours of therapy hearing this phrase. It wasn’t his fault. The rape, the beating – it wasn’t his fault. Both his mum and Will had been coached by his therapist to remind him of this. Merlin had constantly been told by Dr. Kilgharrah and support group members: It wasn’t his fault.

But it was his naivety and blind crush that had led him to the park that night. He had ignored his best friend’s uneasiness and advice not to go. He had wanted to meet Britt in anticipation of talking about feelings. He hadn’t been careful. So, if it wasn’t his fault, his bad judgment putting himself at risk, whose fault was it?

“I know,” he said, more to relieve Will than to let go of the blame he still placed upon himself. He forced a bright smile – another trick he had learned to make others believe all was right with him – and deftly changed the subject. “Help me level up my mage on Skyrim?”

Will grinned back at him. “Yeah.”

**

It was the second week of October when Gwen announced at lunch that she was throwing a birthday party on the weekend for herself and Elyan – “because God knows he needs help with these things.” Arthur and Freya laughed while Merlin hid a grin behind his hand.

“You’ll come, won’t you Merlin?” Gwen asked, looking so positively doe-eyed that it was impossible to turn down her invitation.

“Sure,” he said. “But would it be okay if I brought a friend along?” Merlin was still at the stage where he felt he might need a buffer for social occasions and Will was the logical, if not always the most appropriate, choice.

“The more the merrier,” Gwen told him, smiling.

“Great,” Merlin said, grinning back.

He completely missed the way Arthur subtly rolled his eyes and muttered a soft oath under his breath.

**

Arthur leaned a shoulder against the locker next to the one where Merlin was pulling out his books.

“Don’t suppose you’d come to the mall with me after school to help me pick out a gift for Gwen,” he said by way of casual invitation.

Merlin slid a quick, slightly surprised glance at him. “What about Elyan?” he asked without breaking his task of collecting books.

“Well, they are twins,” Arthur replied, not to be put off. “But I’ve already got a gift for Elyan. I have no idea what to get Gwen.”

Merlin turned his attention toward him. He gave a little smile. “Right. They’re twins,” he said. “So why not ask Elyan to help you pick out a gift?”

Was it just his imagination, or was Merlin making this more difficult than it needed to be?

Arthur screwed up his face. “Elyan has no clue what his sister likes! They might as well be strangers than twins, for godsakes.” That was the absolute truth. Elyan was pretty much useless when it came to things like this. “I need real help, Merlin. And you seem the type to know what someone like Gwen would like.”

Merlin tossed him a wary look. “Um, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Arthur replied in defence. “What I meant was--” Arthur shook his head. “Look, let’s just start again.” He cleared his throat and said very deliberately, “Merlin, I am going to the mall after school today to pick out a gift for Gwen’s birthday and Elyan can’t help me. Would you like to come along?”

Merlin’s lips spread from a slightly amused smirk into a full-out grin and Arthur felt his insides tumble.

“Sure,” Merlin said. “I still need to get Gwen a gift anyway.”

**

They had made arrangements for Arthur to drive Merlin home after school to drop off his books and backpack, then to drive them to the mall. Merlin used his mobile to text his mum, who was working the afternoon shift as usual, that he was going to the Albion Shopping Centre with Arthur. One of the deals he had made with his mother after the assault was that he had to let her know where he was and with whom at all times. To others, it most likely made it sound like she was an over-protective parent, but to his mum, Will and Merlin, it was essential for peace of mind.

They grabbed a bite to eat first at a place in the food court. When they were finished, Arthur clapped his hands together and said, “Right. Now on to gift shopping.” He looked at Merlin. “So what do girls like?”

“Girls like pretty things,” Merlin told him. “Like earrings.”

“They do?”

Merlin nodded. “And Gwen’s ears are pierced.”

Arthur considered for a moment then said, “I suppose Morgana likes earrings and stuff.”

“Who’s Morgana?” Merlin asked.

“My sister,” Arthur answered.

Merlin gaped at him. “You have a sister and you don’t know what girls like?”

Arthur shrugged, a blush dusting his cheeks. “I guess I don’t pay much attention.”

Merlin wanted to tease Arthur but since he didn’t know him that well yet he settled for “Let’s start with looking at some earrings then. I think Gwen would like that.”

So he and Arthur went to one of the jewellery shops and looked at some earrings. Merlin told the pretty woman behind the counter that Arthur was looking for a pair of earrings to give as a birthday gift in the hope that she could help them rather quickly because Arthur was starting to look a tad uncomfortable faced with so many choices.

“For a friend,” Arthur clarified, adding, “She’s kind of like a sister.”

The woman smiled and presented three sets of earrings for Arthur and Merlin to look at. In the end, Merlin suggested that the elegant gold hoops seemed the most Gwen-like and Arthur immediately agreed, telling the woman that he’d take them.

With Arthur’s gift now taken care of, they went in search of something Merlin could afford to give Gwen. They passed by a shop that caught Merlin’s attention – one that had a selection of silk scarves in various colours. He dragged Arthur inside, going to the display that housed a scarf in wonderful hues of purple and pink. He showed it to Arthur.
“You think Gwen would like this?”

Arthur shrugged. “Beats me,” he said. “I brought you along to help me, remember?”

Merlin chuckled. “Oh, yeah.”

“It’s...pretty, I guess,” Arthur said, making the attempt to offer an opinion.

Merlin looked at the scarf some more – and the price tag - then offered up a shrug. “Well, it’s an idea. Maybe we’ll see something else.”

They had just stepped out of the little shop with the silk scarves to browse some more when he saw them - two of the boys who had participated in the beating. Unlike their cohorts who had been sentenced to jail time for their assaults on Merlin, these two had been given probation and a no-contact court order for their part. They had jeered, spat and encouraged the rapes and had punched and kicked him without conscience, but they had not participated in the actual sexual assault. For this, and given their ages – they were both fifteen - the judge had taken pity on the two and had diverted them from serving any jail time.

Merlin felt his blood run cold. His heart started to hammer and sweat began to pool on his upper lip. His throat seemed to close and made breathing more difficult. He felt like he was about to faint.

“Merlin,” he heard Arthur say. “Are you okay?”

Arthur’s voice sounded like it came from a distance and Merlin tried very hard to pull himself back from the edge of panic. He could not have a full-blown panic attack now. Not here. Not with Arthur.

“Not feeling well,” Merlin forced himself to say, his lips trembling. He ran the sleeve of his hoodie across his upper lip and tried to focus. He saw a restroom sign two shops over – thankfully – and headed in that direction, leaving a dumbfounded-looking Arthur behind.

Inside the restroom, he locked himself in a stall, crouched down the best he could given the limited space, and forced his head down between his legs to prevent hyperventilation. He stayed like that for a full five minutes, hoping desperately that Arthur wouldn’t come in after him. When his heart rate slowed somewhat and his hands stopped shaking badly, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialled Will.

“Just saw M and K,” Merlin said as soon as Will answered. He still couldn’t bring himself to say their actual names.

“Where?”

“At the mall,” Merlin said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “Here at the mall.”

“What are you doing at the mall by yourself?” Will scolded, concerned.

Merlin breathed in slowly. “I’m not. Not by myself.” He swallowed, knowing Will was not going to like what he said next. “I’m here with, erm—I’m here with Arthur.”

There was a moment’s beat on the other end. Then Will said strongly, “Tell him to take you home right now.”

“I can’t, Will,” Merlin protested. “He’ll think I’m a moron.”

“Who cares what he thinks? What, are you trying to impress him?” He heard Will sigh heavily. “You need to leave right now,” he said. “I’ll go get my mum’s car at the diner and come get you--”

“No. Will, I’m okay,” Merlin said to dissuade him. The last thing he wanted was for Will to come get him like he was some kind of screwed up five year old. “I’ll be okay. I just need a few minutes--”

“Merlin?” he heard Arthur call out from the outer restroom.

Merlin swore softly and heard Will make a hissing sound. He put a hand over his mobile and answered, “Um, here. Be out in a minute, ‘k?”

“Tell Arthur to take you home,” Will was saying in his ear through the phone.

“Okay,” Merlin whispered and ended the call.

**

Arthur waited quietly for about a minute after Merlin answered him before he left the restroom, wanting to give Merlin his privacy. He had not looked good. He had gone deathly pale, beads of sweat collecting on his upper lip and running down his temples.

The thing was it seemed to have come on suddenly, out of nowhere. One minute, Merlin was smiling and laughing and the next he looked about ready to faint. Arthur hoped it wasn’t the food they had eaten. He and Merlin had pretty much had the same thing – and Arthur was feeling just fine. Maybe Merlin’s constitution was more fragile than his, or he had had an allergic reaction to something.

Five minutes passed before Merlin emerged from the restroom, looking marginally better. The colour was back in his cheeks but the fringe of his hair was still damp, as though he was feverish or – more likely – had splashed cold water over his face.

“You okay?” Arthur asked and Merlin nodded. He looked embarrassed and Arthur wanted to tell him he had no reason to be. Instead, he said, “I think I’d better take you home.”

The ride back to Merlin’s house was, for the most part, silent, except for the low hum of the radio. Arthur didn’t want to seem pushy so he let Merlin stare out the window at the dusk settling, answering with a nod or “yeah” to Merlin’s occasional “good song” comment.

Merlin practically bolted from the car when Arthur pulled up in front of his house, but Arthur prevented him from fleeing by asking him, “Want me to give you a lift to Gwen’s tomorrow?”

Merlin shook his head. “Gwen said I could bring a friend along, so Will’s gonna pick me up.” He slapped a palm to his forehead. “Oh crap. I never did get a gift for Gwen, did I?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Arthur said, smiling. “Gwen will be ecstatic with you just coming to her party.”

“Um, thanks,” Merlin said, running a hand through his hair awkwardly. “See you tomorrow then.”

Arthur watched as Merlin scurried up the path to the front door of his house. He figured Merlin would rush inside but just before letting himself in, he half-turned and gave Arthur a quick wave.

Arthur decided that, despite his somewhat curious behaviours, Merlin really was rather cute.

**

Once inside, Merlin chastised himself for behaving like a complete idiot on his shopping “date” with Arthur Pendragon. Merlin was glad he had been able to sidestep a full-blown panic attack, but he was sure he had acted enough of a freak to cause Arthur to rethink their association.

Will had asked Merlin if he was trying to impress Arthur and Merlin supposed he was, to some degree. It was stupid, he knew, and it wasn’t as though Arthur could ever be a boyfriend, but Merlin had hoped he could be a friend. And even that wasn’t going to last very long if Merlin kept spazzing out like he tended to.

And fuck it all, he hadn’t gotten anything for Gwen.

His phone buzzed and Merlin reached into his pocket, knowing it would be a text from Will. A quick glance told him he was right.

u home?

Merlin considered not answering because he didn’t want to get the lecture he knew he would get from his best friend, but Merlin would never do that to Will.

So he texted back:yes.

**

Merlin felt bad about not having been able to get Gwen a gift but, unfortunately, his mum was working a double shift and wouldn’t be able to give him a ride anywhere that morning or afternoon to get a gift. Merlin wasn’t “allowed” to take public transit to and from anywhere but school and he couldn’t even consider walking somewhere.

As it was, Will’s mum was leaving Will her car and taking a taxi to the diner where she worked so that Will could take Merlin to Gwen’s birthday party. So when Will picked him up in the late afternoon, Merlin lamented that he felt like an idiot.

“From what you’ve said about Gwen, I’m sure she’ll be happy just that you came,” Will offered in comfort.

Of course, Arthur and Will were right. Gwen was ecstatic that Merlin had come to her party and that he had brought Will along. Merlin started to apologize about not bringing a gift, but Gwen quickly brushed his apology off.

“Everyone’s downstairs,” she told them, leading the way by pulling each of them along by the hand.

“She’s nice,” Will whispered and Merlin saw that he was checking out Gwen’s butt. He jabbed his elbow in Will’s side, causing Will to yelp. Gwen looked at them suspiciously and they both grinned back innocently.

Almost a dozen people were gathered in the basement rec room, pretty much all of them Merlin already knowing from school. He didn’t see Arthur, however.

“Hello, ladies,” Will remarked, his eyes raking over Gwen’s girl friends – Freya, Vivian, Elena and Sophia. Merlin jabbed him in the rib again. “What?” Will said, his expression feigning innocence.

Gwen went about introducing Will to the girls and to Elyan’s friends – Leon, Percy and Lance. Merlin gave them a friendly “hello” – they were all on the rugby team with Arthur and Elyan and were nice enough guys.

“Where the hell is Arthur?” Elyan wanted to know. “He said he’d be here a half hour ago.”

As if on cue, Arthur strolled down the stairs into the rec room, saying, “Keep your pants on, birthday boy.” He gave Elyan a wide grin. Merlin gulped. Arthur did not have the right to be that damn cute.

Arthur handed Elyan an envelope, saying, “Game tickets. You’re welcome.” Then he kissed Gwen chastely on the cheek and handed her the little package that Merlin knew contained the earrings he had helped Arthur pick out for her. Gwen squealed with delight when she opened them and thanked Arthur with a hug. He presented her with another box and, sliding a sly glance and smile at Merlin, said, “Merlin left his gift for you behind in my car.”

Gwen took the package and turned to Merlin, who was trying very hard not to look surprised. She unwrapped and opened the box, finding the silk scarf in hues of pink and purple inside. “Oh Merlin!” she gushed, hugging him so tight Merlin thought he might just break. “It’s beautiful!” She wrapped the scarf – which complemented the mauve sweater she was wearing beautifully – around her neck and went to show it off to her friends.

Merlin caught Arthur’s eye and mouthed “thank you” to which Arthur mouthed back “no problem”, giving Merlin one of his knee-bending smiles. He heard Will make some sort of retching noise beside him but, in the spirit of wanting to have fun, Merlin chose to ignore him.

After everyone was offered soft drinks and snacks, Gwen suggested that they play a fun game that required they all paired up. “But Elyan and Arthur can’t be partners,” she told them, laying the ground rules. “And neither can Merlin and Will. They know each other too well and it wouldn’t be fair.”

So the guests paired up boy-girl – Gwen and Lance, Elyan and Freya, Vivian and Percy, Elena and Leon, and Sophia and Will – leaving Merlin and Arthur to pair up.

“Just so you know, you’re all going down,” Arthur proclaimed loudly. He clapped Merlin on the back and grinned. “Merlin and I make a helluva team as chem lab partners, don’t we Merlin?”

Elyan guffawed. “Yeah. Merlin keeps you from accidentally blowing your experiments up.”

Everyone laughed at this, including Merlin and Arthur. On more than one occasion, Merlin had diverted near disaster by taking away a beaker of something from Arthur before he had the chance to add it wrongly.

Again, Arthur marvelled at his luck at being paired with Merlin, though he strongly suspected from the sour look Will was giving him, that Merlin’s best friend was less than happy about the arrangement. What was with that guy? But Arthur could ignore him so long as he had the chance to hang with Merlin – who looked incredible in jeans and a long-sleeved blue t-shirt which not only made his eyes stand out a deeper and more beautiful blue but somehow set off his cheekbones even more prominently. Arthur gulped and tried to focus his attention on Gwen as she relayed the rules of the game.

The game was relatively simple. Each pair was given a game piece that was moved around a board. To advance, pairs had to respond to questions – separately, written on sheets of paper – the objective of which was to ‘match’ answers. The first team to cross the finish was declared the winners. Arthur had played the game before and knew the challenge was in matching answers with a partner you didn’t know as well as yourself – hence Gwen’s directive that he and Elyan couldn’t be partners just as she and Freya couldn’t be partners and Merlin couldn’t be partners with Will.

The game started slowly – well, for all except Arthur and Merlin who surprised everyone by matching answers to every question they had drawn so far.

“I call cheating,” Elyan protested good-naturedly when Arthur moved their game piece to the final stretch of the board, way ahead of Gwen and Lance who were the next team farthest along. Two more matches and Arthur and Merlin would clinch the win.

“I think Merlin reads minds,” Leon said. “Though I can’t imagine he’d find much in Arthur’s.”

“Ha, ha,” Arthur said amidst a chorus of laughter.

Merlin was grinning as he shook the dice to roll to determine the pile from which the next question would be drawn. Arthur had to admit that he liked it when Merlin grinned or smiled. It warmed his insides.

The dice fell from Merlin’s hand, producing the number six. Merlin reached for a card from the appropriate pile but was prevented from drawing it when Percy up-ended the game board, stating with a devilish grin, “That’s enough of that. Let’s just crown these two the winners so we can be spared any further humiliation.”

Everyone laughed, except maybe Will, and Merlin and Arthur were happy to call it quits so long as they were “crowned” – Gwen gave them each a ball cap to wear – and were given the rights to brag about their victory until another team proved worthy to beat them.

After that, the group ate more snacks, drank more soda and chit-chatted about this and that. Arthur was delighted to see Merlin smiling and laughing, looking like he was having a good time. Whatever had struck him yesterday at the mall seemed to have passed and Arthur looked forward to getting together again with Merlin – perhaps the next time just the two of them.

**

Merlin couldn’t stop himself from grinning on the car ride home. He had had fun at Gwen’s party, something he hadn’t had in a while.

“You seemed pretty cozy with Gwen’s friend Sophia,” Merlin teased Will.

“Yeah, well you seemed pretty cozy with your chem lab partner,” Will returned, his tone decidedly not teasing.

“Will, don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“You know what,” Merlin replied, sighing. “I get that you don’t like Arthur, but he’s my friend--”

“You sure he’s your friend?” Will said. “Let’s see, there’s a pattern here. Popular, good-looking, jock-type, likes to flirt with smitten gay guys...”

“Arthur is not him,” Merlin said, his voice shaking, feeling both upset and angry. It amazed him, but even after all these months, Merlin still could not say Britt’s name out loud – even to Will.

“I’m just looking out for you, Merlin,” Will stated.

“Are you, Will?” Merlin asked, feeling agitated now, his earlier elation vanishing. “Because it really doesn’t seem like it to me.”

Will banged his fists on the steering wheel. “Fuck, Merlin. I can’t--” He seemed to collect himself then said, “I know it was you they hurt, Merlin. But I can’t go through something like that again – finding you like that. Fuck, I still have nightmares about finding you. I thought you were dead, Merlin. Christ, I thought you were dead.”

Will had found him in the park, his pants yanked down to his ankles, his hoodie and t-shirt ripped, his face a bloody mess, his body battered and looking like it was broken. Will had dialled emergency, had thrown up by the trash can, and then had huddled on the grass next to Merlin’s body waiting for the ambulance to come. The paramedics had found him rocking back and forth like a child in the grass, tears streaming down his face, mumbling and pleading for Merlin not to be dead.

Merlin knew it had been traumatic for Will to have had to find him like that. Will had stayed with him practically day and night at the hospital for five weeks, as though he had been afraid that if he couldn’t see him alive and breathing, that Merlin might truly be dead.

“I know,” Merlin said softly. He looked at Will, who was keeping his eyes focused on the road ahead. “But I can’t begin to start healing, Will, until you let me. You keep telling me it wasn’t my fault. But you need to understand that what happened to me wasn’t your fault either.”

“I shouldn’t have let you go the park,” Will said, just like he had a hundred times before.

“We have to move past this, Will,” Merlin told him, feeling heavy-hearted and tired. “Both of us need to move on.”

**

Arthur knew he was smiling like an idiot but he didn’t much care. He felt happy – giddy almost – in finally breaking through some of the barriers Merlin always seemed to put up. Arthur had had fun at Gwen’s party and he thought Merlin had too. Even the eye-daggers Merlin’s friend Will had shot at him throughout the party hadn’t put much of a damper on his high spirits.

“It was fun yesterday, yeah?” he said to Elyan, still grinning like a loon. “You made your move on Freya – finally, by the way – and I think I managed to get Merlin to warm up to me.”

Elyan shook his head, looking at Arthur with amusement. “You’re like a lovesick puppy,” he teased.

“I think maybe I am,” Arthur said, surprising himself as well as Elyan.

Elyan raised an eyebrow. “So, you’re into skinny chemistry geeks now?” he asked.
Elyan knew Arthur’s type and that he generally found athletic boys attractive. There was that Gwaine guy, who had been captain of the rugby team when Arthur had first started at CSS, whom Arthur had had a crush on. And Arthur had fancied a couple of his rugby teammates for a brief time but it was never anything serious.

Arthur shrugged. “I’m into Merlin,” he said.

Elyan grinned at him and said, “Yeah. I’ve noticed.”

**

Feeling encouraged, Arthur decided to step up his ‘courting’ game and invited Merlin to go to the movies. At first, Merlin had assumed that it was a group outing but when Arthur clarified it would “just be the two of them”, Merlin seemed to hesitate before finally accepting.

They decided to go see the latest action flick on matinee at the cinema in Camelot. They got popcorn and sodas and sat in the back row of the theatre because Merlin said he hated it when people behind him put their feet on or kicked the back of his seat. And while Arthur usually left a seat between him and Elyan whenever they went to the movies, he sat next to Merlin, enjoying the idea of being close to him.

Arthur tried to concentrate on the movie, which had all the elements he usually enjoyed but found himself sneaking peeks at Merlin, taking note of his fantastic cheekbones and exquisite bow lips. Elyan was right – he was a lovesick puppy. Once or twice, though, he caught Merlin sneaking a peek at him and this warmed Arthur’s insides and made them tumble.

So when he dropped Merlin off at home after the movie, Arthur decided to go for it and make his move. He hopped out of the car after Merlin, hoping to be invited in for a bit, but Merlin simply stood on the sidewalk, looking adorably awkward.

“Um, thanks,” Merlin said, casting a shy glance at him, which Arthur found incredibly endearing.

Before he had a chance to re-think it, Arthur moved forward and wrapped Merlin in a hug. Then, on a whim, he pressed his lips to Merlin’s, suddenly wanting to know what they felt and tasted like.

Merlin had been surprised by the hug but was caught completely off-guard by the spontaneous kiss. His mind whirled frantically. Arthur’s lips felt good on his but it was too much, too soon. He couldn’t handle it. He wrenched away as though he had been burned, aware of the look of alarm on Arthur’s face.

“Merlin – I’m sorry, I--”

He was shaking and couldn’t bring himself to voice a response. Instead, he turned and rushed up the walkway to his house, closing himself behind the safety of the front door.
After a couple of deep breaths, he chanced a peek out the window and saw Arthur still standing there, looking dumbfounded. He watched Arthur curse and drag a hand through his hair roughly before getting into his car and driving away.

Merlin sank to the floor, hot tears pooling in his eyes. He was completely fucked up. It wasn’t as though Arthur had made unwanted advances. Merlin had put the signals out there and Arthur had just responded to them like any normal guy would. So why couldn’t Merlin just accept the affections of someone he really liked and who seemed to like him?
Because he had trust issues and anxiety and had difficulty trusting his own judgement – all things Arthur had absolutely no clue about. And Merlin was afraid that if Arthur did know, he’d run as fast and as far away from him as he possibly could.

**

When Merlin didn’t show up to school the next day, Arthur started to worry. Was Merlin avoiding him because of the kiss? Arthur had thought Merlin liked him – liked him more than just as a friend – but the way he had seemed to panic and then had run off...

At first, Arthur had brushed it off as Merlin being surprised and hesitant, maybe even a little shy, because they were both, well, boys and he had hoped to have a chance to smooth it over while at school today. But since Merlin hadn’t shown up, Arthur started to wonder if it was more than this. Maybe Merlin didn’t like him at all that way – which meant Arthur had made a complete fool of himself.

He called his sister Morgana to get her take on it and for some reassurance that he hadn’t read everything about Merlin wrong. Six years his senior and a woman, Morgana usually knew about these things better than Arthur.

“He just ran away when you kissed him?” she asked.

“Bolted,” Arthur replied. “Like he’d been set on fire. And not in the good way.”
Morgana was silent for a moment, apparently thinking. “Wait,” his sister said suddenly. “I wonder...”

“What?”

“Um, nothing,” Morgana said, sounding distracted. “I just thought of something but I need to check it out. I’ll send you an email if I find what I’m looking for.”

“Okay,” Arthur said, now curious about what Morgana might have to find. He hoped it wasn’t some Cosmo article outlining “fifty ways to improve your skill at kissing” or some such rubbish.

When he went up to his room after dinner, there was an email message from Morgana waiting for him.

Arthur sat down at his desk, opened the email and clicked on the link Morgana had provided to an archived Camelot Times article dated mid-March with the headline: “Hate Spurs Gang Rape”. He quickly scanned through the article, catching and noting certain phrases... “brutally sexually assaulted and beaten by six youths”... “sixteen year old Mercia High School student”... “believed to be hate-motivated”... “victim, a gay male”...

Oh, God. Arthur remembered hearing about the gang rape and assault that had happened to a boy at MHS but hadn’t given much thought to it beyond how horrific a crime it was to have happened in the neighbouring area. He might have believed that this was not Merlin this horrible thing had happened to, but too many things added up. Besides, the mention of the incident occurring in Ealdor Park later in the article pretty much clinched it.

Arthur closed the window to the article and his email and pressed his hands to his face.
Merlin was the MHS student who had been gang-raped and beaten by those boys. Beautiful, sweet Merlin, whose smile made Arthur’s tongue trip and his insides tumble. No wonder Merlin had been skittish and freaked out when Arthur had kissed him.

With sudden fury that surprised him, Arthur banged his fists on the top of the desk, causing his keyboard to jump askew. He wanted to find every single one of those bastards who had hurt Merlin and inflict terrible pain onto them. How could anyone ever think of hurting Merlin?

He let the anger subside then picked up his phone and rang Morgana.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s him,” he said when she answered.

“Poor baby,” Morgana cooed into the phone.

“What do I do, Morgana?” he asked. “I didn’t know. Now I’ve probably scared him off. And all I want to do right now is hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay.”

“You’ll just have to go slow with him,” Morgana advised. “If you really care about him and want to make things work, you’ll have to go slow.”

“What if he doesn’t want to see me again?” The thought of Merlin now avoiding him made Arthur feel sick.

“I’m sure he’ll come around, Arthur,” his sister said. “Just be patient and go slow with him.”

**

Merlin was not at school the next day either and he hadn’t answered any of the texts Arthur had sent him. So after school, Arthur drove out to Ealdor to Merlin’s house.

**

Merlin was lying in his bed reading the novel assigned for English class. He didn’t want to get behind having missed school the past two days, suffering from a bout of depression that was brought on by his tendency to over-think his reactions. His mum had stayed home from work again, claiming another sick day. Merlin had tried to convince her that he was fine, that she didn’t need to stay home with him, but his mother worried when he slipped into these dark periods and would not listen to Merlin’s reassurances that he would be okay without her.

He had gotten several texts from Will and from Arthur. Merlin had responded cursorily to Will’s texts, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer Arthur’s. Merlin felt incredibly foolish at the way he had responded to Arthur’s kiss and didn’t know what to say to him.

When he heard the doorbell ring in the late afternoon, Merlin assumed it was Will checking up on him, despite Merlin’s assurances through texts that he was fine. He was surprised when his mum knocked lightly on his door and said, “Arthur’s here to see you. Can I tell him it’s okay to come up?”

Merlin’s first instinct was to tell his mother ‘no’ but he knew that wouldn’t really help anything. He had to face Arthur sooner or later.

Arthur knocked softly on his door before opening it up and coming inside Merlin’s bedroom. He gave Merlin a tentative smile and said, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Merlin replied back. He set his novel down on the bed beside him and sat up with his back against the headboard.

“You didn’t answer any of my texts,” Arthur said, running a hand through his hair. “I was worried so I thought I’d come by to see if you were okay.”

“I’m okay,” Merlin said, not knowing what else he should say.

There was silence for a long moment as Arthur darted his glance between the carpet and Merlin. He finally focused his eyes on Merlin and said, “Look, I’m sorry I kissed you.” Arthur shook his head and amended, “No. I’m not sorry I kissed you. I’m just sorry it upset you.”

“It didn’t upset me.”

“Yes. Yes, it did, Merlin,” Arthur said and Merlin now looked away, unable to meet Arthur’s gaze, which had grown intense. “Look, Merlin,” he said. “I know.” The blood in Merlin’s veins turned to ice and there was a buzzing noise in his ears. “I know what happened to you in the park. With those boys from Mercia. ”

He felt his body begin to shake. Merlin pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them to combat the shaking. Before he could stop them, the tears began to run hotly down his cheeks.

The last thing he expected was for Arthur to sit on the bed beside him, pull him close and hold him. Merlin let the tears fall freely – he couldn’t really stop them anyway – as Arthur hugged his body as tightly as he was able.

Merlin finally stopped crying and wiped a sleeve under his nose. “I--I didn’t want you to know,” he said.

“Why?” Arthur asked and tried to get Merlin to look at him.

But Merlin wasn’t ready to face him yet. “Because I’m damaged goods, Arthur,” he said. “Who would want me? I’m not right. I’m broken.”

Arthur put a thumb and finger on Merlin’s chin and turned his face toward him. “You’re beautiful, Merlin,” he said, smiling. “And I want you.”

Arthur folded Merlin into another hug and they stayed like that until his mum knocked on his door to ask if Arthur wanted to stay for dinner.

**

Arthur tried to get Merlin to talk about what had happened but Merlin insisted that he wasn’t ready for that yet and Arthur would not push. One time, when they had both fallen asleep on Merlin’s bed after a Chemistry study session, Merlin woke with a start, his face pale, his cheekbones flushed, beads of sweat on his upper lip and forehead. Arthur knew he had had a nightmare but Merlin had brushed it off, pretending it was no big deal.

Arthur called Morgana for some advice. She gave him the number of a support group for family and friends of rape survivors that she said might be helpful to him. He wasn’t sure if this was what he needed, but Arthur wanted to be supportive for Merlin so he promised Morgana he would call.

**

They were making their way out to Arthur’s car after school when Arthur reached his hand out to link his pinkie finger with Merlin’s. It was the first time Arthur had initiated this kind of public display of affection and, though it warmed Merlin’s insides, it also made him feel uneasy.

He glanced around them for a moment – it seemed nobody had noticed – but he gently pulled his hand away nonetheless.

Arthur gave him a questioning look.

When they were seated in the car, Merlin said, “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to put myself out there, you know? After what happened. It makes me nervous.” He looked away from Arthur and focused his attention on the dashboard.

Arthur nodded then started the engine. He understood and could appreciate that Merlin was reluctant to show signs of his same-sex preference. The boys who had assaulted him had targeted him because he was gay and their ring leader had deliberately used Merlin’s crush against him. Merlin was not going to put himself in a position again where he might end up being exposed and vulnerable. Still, Arthur wished he could hold Merlin’s hand at school or kiss him outside the safe haven of their respective homes. Arthur didn’t care if others knew he liked Merlin – or that Merlin was his boyfriend, though they hadn’t yet discussed that – but Arthur understood that Merlin did care and for good reasons.

Morgana had advised him to go slow with Merlin and the leaders of the support group he had talked to had stressed the need to be patient and to move at a pace the survivor was comfortable with. And that was exactly what Arthur intended to do.

**

Merlin was in the middle of thumbing a text to Will, on route to his locker after last class, when he ran into Valiant – literally.

“Sorry,” Merlin mumbled an apology but Valiant wasn’t about to let him off that easily.

“Oh, hey, it’s Emrys,” Valiant said snidely. He gave Merlin a look that was borderline disparaging then nodded at his friends. “Merlin here is Gauis’ little pet,” he told them. “And Arthur Pendragon’s little...something.”

The boys all laughed and Merlin felt the anxiety rising.

Valiant made a show of looking around. “So where is Golden Boy Pendragon?” he sneered. “You two are always together lately.” Valiant smirked knowingly. “Gotta be sucking each other’s dicks or something.”

Hoots of laughter were drawn from the group now gathered around him. The hallway closed in around him and the surrounding air became heavy, making it hard for him to breathe. He was vaguely aware of Valiant talking and the group laughing but Merlin couldn’t hear what he was saying for the ringing that had started in his ears. Before he was able to catch himself, he dropped to the hallway floor.

**

Arthur was just closing his locker when Elyan rounded the corner, his face showing urgency. “Arthur!” he called. “It’s Merlin!”

A sudden panic gripped Arthur and he quickly followed his friend. In the hallway leading to where Merlin’s locker was located, a small crowd had gathered. Arthur pushed his way through the crowd, Elyan on his heels. He found Merlin at the centre, folded up on the hallway floor, his eyes squeezed shut, his body shaking.

His eyes found Valiant – he should have known - and he glared daggers at him. “What did you do to him?” Arthur demanded angrily.

Valiant lifted his hands, palms out. “Nothing!” he responded defensively. “We were just having a friendly conversation with him and he just passed out or something.”

Arthur looked at Merlin – his body curled up and shaking, his eyes closed tightly. Merlin was in defence mode brought on by a panic attack.

“Merlin?” Arthur coaxed. “It’s me. Arthur. You’re okay now.”

He saw one of Merlin’s blue eyes peek open. Arthur smiled at him.

“Nothing to see here, folks!” he heard Gaius saying as he manoeuvred his way through the crowd toward them. “Get on your ways now,” he told the crowd of students.

Elyan glanced his way and Arthur waved for him to go on. He had appreciated that Elyan had come to get him but he knew Merlin would not want Elyan hovering over him too.

Merlin let Arthur and Gaius coax him into sitting up. Arthur looked at him with concern, noting how pale his skin was, the beads of sweat that had formed on his upper lip, the lost look in his blue eyes – effects of the panic attack.

“Come with me, my boy,” Gaius said, ushering Merlin up off the floor and away toward his office. Arthur followed.

When they got to the office, Gaius turned to Arthur and said, “Let me talk to him a bit first then you can take him home.” He led Merlin into his office, closing the door behind them, leaving Arthur to wait in the hallway.

So he waited, alternating between pacing and leaning impatiently against the wall. He knew Gaius had good intentions and would help soothe Merlin through the after-effects of acute anxiety, but Arthur wanted to be able to help Merlin too.

It was twenty minutes before Merlin emerged from Gaius’ office, looking much better than he had though his cheeks were still quite flushed. Arthur resisted the urge to take hold of Merlin’s hand, remembering how uneasy Merlin was about public displays of affection. What Arthur really wanted to do was wrap his arms around Merlin and hug him tightly, but he supposed that could wait until they were away from school grounds.

Merlin followed Arthur out to his car, sullen and silent. Arthur tried to catch his eyes but Merlin’s gaze held fast to the ground. He continued to stay quiet as Arthur pulled out of the school parking lot, choosing to stare out the window instead of meeting Arthur’s concerned glances.

Arthur drove for a ways then asked finally, “You okay?”

“No,” Merlin said, his tone a mix of distress and anger.

Arthur didn’t know what to say to that so he began with, “Alright--”

Merlin turned his head to look at him, his face now flushed red. “You know how fucking humiliating that was, Arthur?” he voiced loudly. “Collapsing like that? In front of Valiant? Fuck.”

“It wasn’t that bad--”

“How would you know?” Merlin snapped. “You ever have a panic attack? In public? Now the whole fucking school is gonna think I’m a freak. Valiant already thinks I’m a spazz homo who needs you to protect me.”

“Who cares what Valiant thinks?” Arthur said, trying to get a handle on the range of emotions Merlin was expressing.

“Oh, so you don’t care that Valiant announced to all who’d listen that he thinks we’re sucking each other’s dicks?”

“What? No. I don’t care.”

“You’re a liar,” Merlin said.

Arthur knew Merlin was hurting but the words still stung. “Merlin...” he tried.

“Stop the car,” Merlin told him suddenly.

“What?”

“Just let me out here,” Merlin said. “I’ll walk the rest of the way home.”

“Merlin, you can’t walk ho--” Arthur started to say but was cut short.

“The hell I can’t!” Merlin exploded.

Arthur schooled himself to remain calm. He understood that Merlin needed to feel he had some control over his own life. This had been a point the leaders of the support group had made on several occasions. But Arthur wasn’t sure that this was the right way to go about letting Merlin feel control.

Merlin was still glaring at him and Arthur felt a tug of emotion. Sighing heavily so Merlin understood his strong reluctance, he pulled the car over to the curb and stopped to let Merlin out.

Merlin’s eyes registered slight surprise but it didn’t stop him from pulling the door handle and letting himself out of Arthur’s car, a softly spoken “thank you” following his exit.

Arthur watched Merlin walk a few paces before pulling away and on ahead, glancing at the dark-headed boy in his rear view mirror. At the end of the block, he turned the way he would be expected to, but then he directed the car back a few blocks and trailed Merlin a respectable distance behind so that Arthur could be sure Merlin made it home safely.

**

Merlin let himself into the house, the anger and frustration he had been feeling finally slipping away after the hearty six-block walk. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of orange juice. He chugged back half the glass on his way into the dining room, pushing aside the curtain and looking out the window. Arthur’s car was parked a half block down from his house. He knew Arthur had followed him, probably to make sure he had gotten home safe.

Merlin wanted to be angry with Arthur but he couldn’t prevent the warmth from spreading through his body. So he texted Arthur: might as well come in.

**

They sat in the den, each with a glass of orange juice set on the coffee table before them. Merlin knew it was time that he opened up completely to Arthur but he waited stubbornly for Arthur to make the first move. Finally, Arthur did.

“I need to understand, Merlin,” Arthur said, his face showing a range of mixed emotions. “I want to help and be supportive but I need to understand.”

Merlin nodded and told Arthur what he could remember from that night. And Merlin could remember everything – up until he had blacked out.

He told Arthur how he had been infatuated with the most popular boy in the school and how Britt had played him, luring him to the park that night. How he had stupidly ignored Will’s warning and had gone, bubbling with happiness, to meet him. How Britt had brought his friends with him and how they raped and beat him. Merlin opened up completely, telling Arthur exactly what they did to him and the hateful things they had said to him – he told Arthur the things he had not told anyone about that night, not even his mum or Will. And at the end of it all, Merlin was sobbing, relieved to finally unburden himself to someone, to be able to share the horrors he experienced.

When he looked at Arthur, he was surprised to see the tears in his eyes. Arthur reached for and hugged Merlin to his chest.

“God, Merlin,” he whispered, pressing soft kisses to his temple. “How anyone could hurt you like that--”

Merlin let Arthur hold him, feeling safe in a way he hadn’t felt for several long months. It wasn’t just safe in a physical sense but in an emotional way as well. He felt he could trust Arthur. Finally.

**

It was after eleven when Merlin’s mum came home from work and found Arthur and Merlin snuggled up on the den sofa together, both dozing soundly. She gently woke Merlin which stirred Arthur awake.

“It’s after eleven, boys,” she said. “Time for Arthur to go home.”

Merlin yawned, nodding at his mother, and unfurled his body from Arthur’s. Arthur sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Lying on the sofa with Merlin had been cozy but he knew it was time to leave.

Mrs. Emrys went into the kitchen, leaving them to say their goodbyes in the foyer. Arthur had intended say something sweet but before he could get a word out, Merlin grabbed a hold of his shirt front and pulled him in for a kiss. Merlin’s lips were soft, warm and gentle. And in that moment, when their mouths came together, Arthur knew.

When they parted, Arthur whispered ‘goodnight’ then let himself out and was pleased when Merlin continued watching him from the open door as he made his way to his car down the block, got in, started it up, and drove off.

His mother came into the foyer as Merlin closed the front door.

“Do you want to talk about what happened today?” she asked.

“Uncle Gaius?” Merlin said knowingly.

His mother nodded, smiling warmly. “He called me at work and told me what had happened,” she said. “But he said Arthur was with you, so I knew I didn’t have to worry.”

She pulled Merlin into a hug and Merlin was happy to bask in his mother’s comforting warmth. He was nearly seventeen but he didn’t think he would ever be too old for a hug from his mum.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Hunith whispered against her son’s chest.

Merlin nodded. He was in love with Arthur Pendragon. Deeply. And this both warmed him and terrified him. “It scares the hell out of me,” he admitted.

“Well, it wouldn’t be right, love, if it didn’t,” his mum replied, patting his cheek.

**

Arthur loved kissing Merlin. Merlin’s lips were always soft and warm and Arthur felt heady every time their mouths came together. He liked touching Merlin too. Liked the feel of Merlin’s body beneath him – the broad width of his strong shoulders, the plane of his lean torso, the sharp angles of his hips. It was glorious.

His hands roamed Merlin’s body. Arthur touched everywhere he could, his hand finally settling on the bulge at Merlin’s crotch. At first, he touched tentatively, further deepening the kiss. When Merlin responded by arching up a bit, Arthur pressed the heel of his hand down harder. Merlin moaned into his mouth and Arthur responded by increasing the pressure and stroking down with his hand.

But it turned out Merlin wasn’t moaning. Arthur had been so caught up in the moment that he had misread Merlin’s reaction to his hand-stroking, and it wasn’t until Merlin pushed at his shoulders and chest that Arthur realized his ‘moans’ were actually protests for him to stop.

Arthur jumped up off the bed like he’d been struck by lightning.

“Oh God, Merlin, I’m sorry,” he expressed, raking a hand through his hair.

Merlin sat up, pushing a hand that was shaking, Arthur noticed, through his own hair. “Arthur, it’s--”

“I should go,” Arthur announced, overwhelmed by shame and guilt. He had promised that he would never hurt Merlin and, fuck it, he almost had.

With a last guilty look at Merlin and another “sorry”, Arthur bolted out of Merlin’s room, not stopping even for a moment when he heard Merlin call out “Arthur, wait!”

Merlin sat on the edge of his bed, feeling heavy-hearted and dejected. What had just happened? One minute they were kissing and touching, exploring each other. And when Arthur had put a hand to his crotch, Merlin had felt aroused and had arched his body into Arthur’s touch. But then it had suddenly become too intense and Merlin had needed Arthur to back off just a bit. He had intended just to nudge him to slow down but he must have shoved at him because next thing Arthur was jumping up off of him, looking mortified and apologizing. Merlin had tried to tell Arthur that it was okay, that he just wanted to slow things down a bit so he’d feel more comfortable, but Arthur had continued to look mortified and had practically bolted from his room before Merlin had the chance to explain.

Merlin pressed a hand to his eyes. He had driven Arthur away. He was so fucked up because of the rape that he couldn’t even let Arthur touch him without reacting like some hysterical freak and pushing Arthur away. Arthur would never want him now. Why would he? Merlin carried too much emotional baggage to bother with. If Merlin were in Arthur’s shoes, he wouldn’t want him either.

Merlin grabbed his phone and texted Will: can u come over? need to talk.

**

“You’re a jerk,” Will proclaimed when Arthur pulled open the front door of his house in answer to the incessant knocking that had come at nine Saturday morning.

“Excuse me?” Arthur said, staring bleary-eyed at Merlin’s best friend. He opened the door a smidgen and Will took the opportunity to push his way into the foyer.

“I said you’re a jerk,” Will repeated, this time more strongly. He gave Arthur a sour look. “You think you can just bail on Merlin whenever things get a little tough?”

Arthur was not in the mood for Will’s crap. What had happened yesterday was between him and Merlin. Arthur was feeling terrible about it and he could appreciate Merlin talking to his best friend about it, but it was for them to figure out – without Will’s interference.

“Look,” he said to Will, blowing out a sigh. “I get that Merlin is your best friend and that you don’t like me--”

“I don’t fucking trust you!” Will exclaimed.

“Yeah, well,” Arthur returned patiently, “Merlin trusts me.”

Will’s face darkened. “Yeah and look where that’s got him before,” he expressed cynically.

“That’s not going to happen--” Arthur started to assure him but Will cut him off.

“That bastard lured him to that park...and they fucking raped him, Arthur!” Will yelled, anger and pain coming through in his voice. “They fucked him raw and then beat him to a bloody fucking pulp! Do you have any idea what that was like for him? He was a goddamn fucking virgin!”

“Will, I--”

“Do you have any idea what it was like for me to have to find him like that?” Will had lowered his voice but it was still strong with emotion. “I thought he was dead, Arthur. I thought he was fucking dead. And fuck--” He blew out a heavy sigh, the fight slowing easing out of him. “I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.”

Suddenly Arthur understood. While it had been traumatic for Merlin to have gone through what he had, it had been traumatic - though in a different way - for Will who, as Merlin’s best friend, cared deeply for him yet hadn’t been able to protect him. Will felt responsible for what had happened to Merlin and he wasn’t going to let anyone hurt him again.

“I’m not going to hurt him, Will,” Arthur said, knowing it was important to convince Merlin’s best friend that he could trust him. “And I won’t let anyone hurt him – ever.” He held Will’s dubious look. “Please believe me, Will. I love him. I love Merlin.”

Will seemed to let Arthur’s words sink in and then made an assessment which must have ultimately been positive because Will said, “Okay.” He met Arthur’s eyes. “But if you really do love Merlin and care about him, then you’re not gonna bail when things get complicated. You’re gonna be understanding and you’re gonna be with him even when – no, especially when - he feels the most fucked up. Otherwise, Pendragon, you’re still a jerk.”

Arthur conceded that Will had a very good point. He had bailed on Merlin yesterday. Not because Merlin had done anything but because Arthur had felt incredibly guilty. He understood that bolting like he had, had probably made Merlin feel as though Arthur had rejected him and all his emotional baggage. But Arthur hadn’t been rejecting Merlin at all.

And he now owed it to Merlin to talk about it and for both of them to understand how the other was feeling. So after Will left, Arthur quickly showered then got dressed, intending to go over to Merlin’s house so they could talk. Arthur was not going to bail on Merlin ever again.

**

Arthur showed up on his doorstep just before noon, asking Merlin to take a drive with him so they could talk.

Arthur drove a little way out of Ealdor then pulled off the road at a scenic spot and parked.

This was it, Merlin thought, his stomach turning anxiously. Arthur was probably going to tell him that he didn’t want to be with Merlin anymore. That he couldn’t handle Merlin’s emotional hang ups and fucked up psyche. That he wanted a boyfriend who wasn’t going to freak out whenever he touched him.

But what Arthur said was, “I’m sorry I bolted yesterday. I felt ashamed for not realizing I was pushing you too far. But I should’ve stayed and talked to you about it instead of running off like that. It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”

Merlin was stunned. Arthur hadn’t left because Merlin’s emotional baggage was staring to get too much for him? “I thought...I thought I’d driven you away,” he said.

“God, Merlin,” Arthur said, “I didn’t mean for you to think--”

“I thought you were going to tell me you didn’t want me anymore,” Merlin said, cutting him off, relief now mixed with the residual fear he had had of possibly losing Arthur.

Arthur looked at Merlin intently. “I want you, Merlin. I want to be with you always.”

“It’s gonna be hard on you, Arthur,” Merlin said, wanting Arthur to understand what he was getting in choosing to be with him. “You’re gonna be ready to do things I may not be comfortable with yet.”

“We’ll go slow,” Arthur assured him. “We’ll keep going slow until you feel ready.”

“What if it takes forever before I’m ready?” Merlin asked, afraid to hear Arthur’s answer.

But Arthur smiled. “Then I’ll wait forever,” he said.

**

It did not take forever but it did take almost two and a half years before Merlin felt he was ready. Even then, Arthur let Merlin take him first, wanting their first time together to be absolutely perfect.

Merlin let himself into their flat and found Arthur in the kitchen preparing dinner. It was Friday and Arthur usually left the office early on Fridays so that he could go home and have dinner ready for Merlin who, after a long day of counselling youth, preferred a home-cooked meal to take-out.

Arthur looked up from stirring the pasta sauce and smiled. “Hey, beautiful,” he greeted.

Merlin’s insides warmed and tumbled. Arthur was the perfect boyfriend. He was kind and gentle, understanding and forgiving. He cooked and cleaned even after working long hours as a business exec at the company owned by his father. He even tolerated Will’s near constant presence at their shared flat with the patience of a saint - though, to be fair, all of their friends but especially Elyan and Freya, Gwen and Lance spent an inordinate amount of time at Merlin and Arthur’s. Yes, Arthur Pendragon was the perfect boyfriend and Merlin loved him more than anything.

Merlin moved in behind Arthur and pressed his body against Arthur’s back, wrapping his arms around him. “Let’s say we eat later,” he whispered, brushing his lips along the line of Arthur’s neck.

Arthur turned his head and captured Merlin’s lips with his. “Sounds good to me,” he replied.

He then took Merlin’s offered hand and let Merlin lead him into their bedroom.