Work Text:
Leon stood about in the club a bit awkwardly. He hadn’t done this in ages. He’d had no need to. First, there was Mithian, who was wonderful and still one of his best friends. But she had made him see that he was not cut out for a het life. And then there was Percy. Sweet, gentle Percival. Wonderfully tall Percival, whom he had watched falling in love with another man.
Even though that had been months ago and Leon had the feeling he was slowly getting over it, he still didn’t know what to do with himself in this place. Maybe it was still too early to go out looking for a one night stand at the least. A man had needs, yes, but it had always felt odd to him to take a stranger home for just sex. He was an adult with two healthy hands, he could help himself.
Looking at all those young blokes didn’t help either. The way they just looked at each other and then vanished to where Leon knew the darkrooms were, the way they almost undressed each other on the dance floor…Leon felt very old all of a sudden. This wasn’t his world, he didn’t belong here.
He finished his beer and just as he turned to leave, a young fella bounced in his way.
“Hi!”
Leon couldn’t help but smile. A friendly face with blue eyes and the most wonderful smile he’s seen in a long time, huge sticking out ears and dark hair looked expectantly at him.
“Hello.”
“I’m Merlin and I will dance with you now,” the bloke shouted above the noise.
Leon chuckled. He didn’t know if it was the man’s natural energy or if he was on something, but it was kind of cute how he just grabbed Leon’s wrist and dragged him along to the dance floor, leaving him no other choice than to follow. Oh well, what harm could one dance do?
+++
A few hours later, Leon lay on his bed, trying to get his breath back. He’d just had the most incredible sex he’d had in forever. Merlin had dragged him to the dance floor and half an hour later, he’d declared they would go home now. Leon was pretty sure that he wasn’t on some kind of drug and figured that sex with him could be fun. But fun didn’t even begin to describe it. It was as if Merlin naturally could read all the signs his body gave and instinctively knew what he liked best. And boy, that long dick that travelled up his arse slowly only to pound it relentlessly a short while later, sure was something to write home about.
Merlin turned and instead of asking for the bathroom to take a shower, get dressed and leave, he snuggled close, nuzzling into Leon’s neck, drawing patterns on Leon’s chest with his delicate long fingers. To his own surprise, Leon wrapped his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and pulled him close.
Nuzzling into the thick black hair, he fell asleep, convinced that once he woke up, Merlin would be gone and this night was only a memory.
When he woke up, Merlin was – as he expected – gone. Leon rubbed his eyes and stretched. With a smile on his face, he made his way to the bathroom. His mind was too sleepy to register anything but the slight burn of his arse and the strain in his muscles of his legs, this was a good feeling that he hadn’t felt in way too long.
Just as he came back from the shower, a bit more awake, he sniffed. This smelled like…
“Good morning!”
Leon blinked. This wasn’t possible!
“It would have saved me getting dressed if I knew that you take your breakfast in nothing but a towel.” There he stood, in the doorway of his kitchen and smiled widely at him. Merlin. What was he still doing here?
“Breakfast?” Leon murmured and ran a hand through his still-wet hair.
“Yeah, I made pancakes. I hope you like pancakes. And you’re running out of eggs. How do you take your tea?” Merlin had turned back to the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets as if he were at home.
It took Leon a while to process this. He was no morning person and all of this was too much information for this early in the day. The main thing on his mind was: What was Merlin still doing here???
He found some sweatpants and a t-shirt and padded back to the kitchen where his breakfast was already waiting for him.
“Didn’t know if you took your tea white or not.”
“White.” Leon sat down and stared at Merlin pouring milk into a cup and then adding the tea.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks.” He still didn’t do more than just look at Merlin.
“Did you sleep well? I slept like a rock, your bed is so comfy! Or maybe it was the company.” Merlin winked and then put a huge forkful of pancake into his mouth.
“Do you do this often?” Only when the question had left Leon’s mouth, he realized how rude it was. It was none of his business how many one night stands Merlin had. But it wasn’t how he had meant it anyway.
“Make breakfast when I like the bloke I went home with?” Merlin shrugged. “Doesn’t happen too often.”
Leon looked at the face with the sharp cheekbones and blue eyes that were looking expectantly at him. Damn, that boy was younger than he’d thought. At the club, in his skin-tight t-shirt that showed a beautifully defined upper body he’d figured Merlin was a few years younger than him. But here, at the table in his kitchen, wearing one of his own wide t-shirts, he looked like he just escaped his teenage years. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-seven, you?” Merlin took a sip of his tea.
“You look younger.”
Grinning at Leon, Merlin nodded. “I get that a lot. Especially when I wear clothes that are too baggy. Sometimes I even still get carded, that’s fun. Not!” The grin faltered. “You didn’t really think I was underage, did you?”
For a moment he had, but he wouldn’t admit it. “You just look a lot younger than last night, that’s all.”
“So, how old are you?” Merlin winked.
“Just turned thirty-five, which finally makes me an old fart.” Leon sipped his tea and found it exactly the way he liked it.
“Age is just a number.”
They sat in silence for a while and Leon knew he should have felt odd. There was a stranger in his kitchen who had made him breakfast. He usually hated when someone just opened the door of his fridge and went furious when they opened the cupboards just like that. But he was strangely at ease with this black-haired cutie having used his kitchen as if it were his own.
“So, what are we going to do today?” Merlin shoved the rest of his pancakes in his mouth and looked at Leon over the rim of his tea cup.
“We?” Leon blinked. “I don’t know what you will be doing, but I still have some work to do and then I want to finish that book I started last week.”
It was a bit irritating that Merlin just smiled. Leon had basically told him to bugger off, but that didn’t seem to bother the younger man at all. “Okay. I’ll be at the club again next weekend.”
Leon just nodded. Maybe he should have made it clearer that this was just a one nighter. That he had no intention of jumping into a relationship of any sort and getting his heart bruised again.
Merlin put the dishes in the sink and went to find his t-shirt and shoes.
Walking Merlin to the door, Leon didn’t know what to do. Saying something like ‘thanks for last night’ felt too cheap.
Merlin got up on his toes and put a smooch on Leon’s lips. “I’m glad I met you. And I hope to see you again.” He winked, waved and then wandered down the corridor.
+++
The days went by and Leon tried not to think about Merlin too often. The sex had been great and Leon wouldn’t have minded a repeat, but the casual way that Merlin had moved about his place, as if he belonged there, had given him a lot to think about.
He missed someone in his place. He had tried to convince himself that he didn’t need that any more, that it only led to disappointment and he’d had his fair share of that in the past years. He enjoyed his evenings alone with a glass of fine Italian wine and a good book. His visits to the museum where he could spend hours looking at artifacts and the occasional theatre evenings. He didn’t need anyone to disturb his peace and quiet.
But once Saturday came along, he found himself in front of his closet, pondering if he had suitable clothes to go to the club again. He should go shopping.
When he entered the place in his brand new jeans – weren’t they a bit too tight? – and a white v-neck t-shirt – wasn’t that showing off a bit too much of his chest? – he knew it was a mistake. He should go to book clubs or seminars on wine to find someone. If he wanted to find someone at all. And not to this club that was too loud, the blokes too young and where he just didn’t fit in.
But his eyes were scanning the room for a bouncy, black-haired, blue-eyed bloke who didn’t seem to be there.
“Boo!”
Leon turned.
“Thought you would show up early. It’s only 11! We usually don’t show before 1.” Merlin grinned at him.
“Why are you here already, then?” Leon couldn’t help but smile. Merlin’s grin was contagious.
“You. I didn’t want to miss you.”
Before Leon could come up with an answer, Merlin had grabbed his wrist again and already dragged him to the dance floor.
The rest of the evening went like the weekend before and once again, Leon came harder than ever before, twice.
This time, he wrapped his arms around Merlin as he never wanted to let him go. But that wouldn’t work. Merlin was only twenty-seven and he was much older. The boy would soon lose interest in him, but Leon was determined to enjoy it as long as it lasted.
He’d bought lots of fancy things for breakfast and this time it was him who made it. They discussed going for a walk, but since it was pouring down, they decided on cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, which lead to more of this fantastic sex and Merlin only left when Leon had to go to work on Monday morning.
+++
“Hey.”
Leon looked up from his Ipad when someone sat down next to him. It was one of the first warm days and he had taken his lunch outside and he couldn’t help but smile when he noticed it was Merlin who had disturbed his reading. “Hi there.”
“What are you doing after work?” Merlin beamed.
“Don’t know.” His smile widened. He’d actually planned to clean his bathroom and then go back to the historic novel he was reading.
“When are you off?”
“I’ll try to get out at 5.”
Merlin got up, stole a small ball of mozzarella off Leon’s salad and stuffed it into his mouth. “I’ll be here and then you can take me out to dinner. Or we can go to your place and I’ll make you scream again.” He grinned widely, the mozzarella in the pocket of his cheek. “Or both in that order.”
Leon didn’t even have the time to agree or refuse before Merlin walked off, so he just stared after him. With everyone else, Leon would have frowned and tried to talk his way out of it. He hated when plans changed last minute. Even if those plans consisted of bathroom cleaning and reading about historic events. But he found himself smiling until Merlin rounded the corner and was out of sight.
+++
It was one of the nicest dinners Leon had in a long time. As promised, Merlin had waited for Leon when he left the company building at four minutes after five. Leon had taken him to his favorite little restaurant where they had a light meal and surprisingly good conversation.
As Leon found out, Merlin was trying to be a writer while he had several small jobs to make a living.
“So, you’re a tutor?” Leon folded his napkin and reached for his glass.
“Yes. Sometimes. And I’m a dog-walker and a waiter. I was a bike messenger and a call center agent. And before that,” Merlin squeezed on eye shut and bit his lip as he pretended to think. “I think that was the time I worked as a barista and before that I tried my hands in day-care.”
“Day-care? As in…children?”
Merlin nodded. “Yeah. And they were great. I loved them, they loved me, but…”
Leon waited for a horrible event that had happened but Merlin just said, “It’s difficult to keep an eye on kids when you have a great story idea that demands to be written right away.”
“You just left them to themselves and wrote?”
“It happened.” Merlin shrugged. “No harm done, they were fine. But yeah, I knew I needed a job that didn’t require 100% of my concentration.”
“And then you became a bike messenger?”
“Another one of my misjudgements. The scar on my knee? Was plotting a scene when I should have watched for oncoming traffic.”
Merlin’s grin was beautiful and Leon didn’t really listen to what he said. “Traffic?”
“Yeah, the taxi that actually had the right of way.”
“Oh my god, are you alright?”
“Leon, that was two years ago. The scar sometimes still hurts when the weather changes, but I’m alive.” He made a funny face.
“Good.” Leon couldn’t stand the thought of Merlin being hurt. “And now…”
“Now I only take jobs that don’t take too much time off my schedule. A few hours of tutoring, a bit of dog-walking, just enough to pay the bills. You wouldn’t believe the great ideas I have while being in the park with the dogs.”
They talked about the novel Merlin was writing on the way back to Leon’s place.
As soon as they were inside, all the polite and animated conversation was gone. Leon shoved Merlin against the door and kissed him. The feeling of having missed this and now feeling complete after so long surged through him, but he didn’t want to think about that now. All that mattered was Merlin who moaned and rubbed against him.
Merlin spun them around, so Leon’s back was against the door. “This tie is so sexy, but I wanted to get it off of you all evening long.” He removed Leon’s tie and tried to unbutton the shirt while kissing Leon dizzy.
Leon knew he wasn’t much help at all as he tugged at Merlin’s t-shirt, moaning into the kisses. “Want you…hurry up, Merlin…”
“So eager,” Merlin pulled back a bit and grinned widely, “I like that.”
His lips were on Leon’s again in no time and Leon tried to move them towards the bedroom. They didn’t get further than the couch and tumbled on it as Leon tried to shrug his shirt off, his hands on Merlin’s fingers that were busy with his belt.
Leon startled when Merlin jumped up. “Wha…?”
Merlin groaned. “Fuck, you’re hot like that.” He turned.
“Come back here! Now!” Oh gosh, that sounded really desperate.
Returning from the bedroom, Merlin tossed lube and condoms on the coffee table. “I’m back and you’re still overdressed!”
Leon scrambled out of his pants and kicked his shoes into different directions. “Better?”
Grinning widely, Merlin slipped out of his jeans and boxerbriefs. “Much better.” He climbed on the couch and straddled Leon. “Okay, what am I going to do with you now?”
“Anything you want.” Leon stared up at the toned body. He’d seen Merlin naked before, but he always seemed like a skinny little boy when in fact he had firm muscles and broader shoulders than you would assume. “Beautiful…,” he breathed.
Merlin bit his lower lip as he ran his fingers through Leon’s chest hair. “So are you.”
“Me?” Leon chuckled. “Just an old fart with too much hair.”
Rolling his eyes, Merlin leaned in. “Leon?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut up.” And he made sure of that by exploring Leon’s mouth thoroughly.
Leon could have kissed Merlin like this forever, but rubbing his hard-on against Merlin’s firm arse was heaven and hell. He moaned into the kiss, sliding his hands down Merlin’s smooth back, feeling the muscles move underneath the warm skin and grabbed the buttocks.
“Wanna be in me?” Merlin whispered against his lips, his fingers in Leon’s curls.
Shaking his head slightly, Leon captured Merlin’s lower lip between his teeth and let it slip out again before he answered. “Wanna feel you in me. Gosh, I never felt anything like you before.”
Merlin grinned and put a little kiss on the tip of Leon’s nose. “I don’t want to know.”
“What?”
“About past lovers.” Merlin sat back up, rubbing against Leon’s erection and reached for one of the condoms on the coffee table.
“I wasn’t about to…”
“Ssshhhh.” Leaning forwards again, Merlin once again silenced Leon. When he pulled back, he held the condom out to Leon. “Wanna put it on me? It turns me on so much when I feel your long fingers on me. It’s such a shame you’re an architect. Fingers like yours are made to play a piano or something.”
Leon grinned and ripped the condom wrapper open with his teeth. He loved that Merlin started to babble when he was horny. Reaching for the beauty of a cock in front of him and slowly stroked his fingertips along the length.
“Nnnnngh, Leon.” Merlin threw his head back and closed his eyes.
“So…fucking…beautiful.” Leon wasn’t sure if he should finish Merlin off like this just to be able to watch him, but after a moment, he rolled the condom down. “Fuck me, Merlin. Come on…”
With a last kiss, Merlin scrambled off, lubed himself up and repositioned himself. His hand slid down Leon’s leg and then he grabbed his ankle to hoist the leg over his shoulder while kneeling on the couch with one knee, the other foot still on the ground.
It took a bit of squirming around, but then Leon felt the head of Merlin’s cock at the right place and almost whimpered. “Please? Merlin…I ….” He didn’t get any further but instead of Merlin’s prick, he felt his fingers. Damn, he’d forgotten about lube, but Merlin didn’t want to hurt him. Merlin was fantastic!
As soon as he felt lose and slick enough, he started begging again and this time, Merlin didn’t make him wait. Leon groaned as he was filled. He hadn’t just said it before, he’d meant it. He’d never felt like that with anyone. Merlin took his time, he knew what he was doing. He was big, but not to a point where Leon felt like he get split apart. It just felt…right.
When he felt the base of Merlin’s cock against his arse, he squeezed his muscles around the hot length inside him and started to squirm. “Move.”
An amused little smile showed on Merlin’s face. “First you beg and now you’re giving orders?”
Leon didn’t care and he wasn’t beyond begging. “Please?” He threw his head back when Merlin pulled back a little bit, only to slam in right away.
He kept up a steady rhythm and just as Leon thought he would come, Merlin stopped and only slowly moved his hips, grinding against Leon, who made a desperate little sound.
His head was spinning and his whole body was trembling. Merlin was so good at reading all the signs. He’d taken him to the edge a couple of times but always stopped just before Leon came. Drawing a ragged breath, Leon clenched around Merlin and dug his fingers into his upper arms.
“Ready, Leon?”
“Yeah…yeah…please…let me…I need to…”
Merlin slammed right into his spot and stilled.
The orgasm washed over Leon and he didn’t even notice that Merlin followed him suit as he yelled out and then slumped back, totally spent.
He didn’t know how he’d gotten into bed and how he’d cleaned up, but he woke up again a while later, in Merlin’s arms, snuggling against him. For the first time in forever, Leon was happy.
+++
Leon didn’t know how it happened, but somehow Merlin seemed to have moved in with him. There was a sports bag with Merlin’s things on the bottom of his closet, his toothbrush and razor in the bathroom and his laptop at the kitchen counter. Merlin claimed he could write best when the fridge was close-by and he didn’t need to interrupt a train of thought for too long to get a glass of water.
And even though Leon loved that someone was there when he came home, he knew it wouldn’t last. It never lasted. Merlin would meet someone new or found out that he was just an old fart. He had tried to take him to the museums and to exhibitions, but Merlin got bored quickly. He was okay with the musicals he took him to, but as soon as plays turned a bit more serious, Merlin started to yawn. He liked comedies and chick flicks, but fell asleep when Leon put in DVDs of his favorite French movies. He loved clubbing on the weekends while Leon preferred going to a classical concert on Sunday afternoons.
Merlin was a morning person, so full of energy that Leon only could groan. And sometimes he didn’t even go to bed at all, working all night on his novel. He had no real schedule and very often Leon found him asleep on the couch when he came home after work.
Other than in bed, they were not compatible, Leon knew that much. And he waited for the moment when Merlin would realize this fact.
Merlin groaned and shoved his glasses up his nose.
“Hi there.” Leon sat his backpack down and loosened his tie before he shrugged out of his jacket and hanging it up neatly.
“Oh, hey!” Merlin ripped the glasses off his nose and smiled.
“Why do you do this?” Leon came over and put a little kiss on Merlin’s lips.
“Why do I do what?”
Damn those wide blue eyes.
“Taking your glasses off each time I enter the room.”
“They make me look like a nerd.”
Leon chuckled. “They make you look sexy. And you need them to see the screen.”
“I can type without seeing the screen. You really think they make me look sexy?” A flirtatious smile crept onto Merlin’s face and he winked. “Maybe I will wear them for a quick shag?”
Laughing, Leon let go of him. “Let me take a shower first. And I’m hungry, is there anything left in the fridge or do we need to go grocery shopping?”
“There’s some left-overs from last night?” Merlin offered.
Leon put a quick smooch on Merlin’s lips before he made his way to the bathroom.
As he stood under the spray and contemplated if he really wanted cold pizza and one-day-old salad – something that qualified as a decent meal in Merlin’s world – as dinner, the door opened and Merlin slipped into the shower with him.
Leon laughed when he noticed that Merlin was still wearing his glasses.
“What’s so funny?”
“We’re in the shower? And you’re wearing…glasses?”
An adorable pout pursed Merlin’s lips. “You just said you find them sexy. And I thought I should take a close look at you.”
“Like you’ve never seen me before.” Leon still grinned as he reached for Merlin.
Merlin let himself be pulled close and grinned, water already running down his glasses. “Maybe I didn’t see everything I wanted to see?”
Chuckling, Leon pecked Merlin’s nose. “You’re cute.”
“And you’re hot.” Merlin reached for Leon’s prick.
Any cheeky remark fled Leon’s mind when Merlin sank to his knees and started to suck him.
+++
“No, Mithi, I have to end it.”
“Leon, sweets, you’re happier than you have been in forever. Why on earth would you want to break this thing with Merlin off?”
“I’m too old. He’s too young.”
“He’s as old as I am, bear.”
“We didn’t work out either.”
Leon heard her sigh.
“That’s because you are gay and I’m a woman, Leon. I thought we talked it through enough.”
“But he’s…”
“He’s a grown-up man, Leon. Stop seeing everyone who’s remotely younger than you as a child.”
“He’s not remotely younger. It’s…eight years!” Leon got up and started to pace.
“So you’ll throw him out because he’s eight years younger than you? When you’re going to be 80, he’ll be 72, that makes him an old fart, just like you.”
“He won’t stay that long.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He doesn’t even like the things that I like. He’s not into the same movies, he hates museum and listens to strange emo music.”
“And why shouldn’t you love him for that? It’s more exciting if your partner doesn’t like the exact same things. It gives you space to do things on your own and you both get input that you wouldn’t if you always did everything together.”
Why did Mithian always have to be so reasonable?
“I don’t love him.”
“Oh, Leon.” She giggled. “Of course you do. He’s been living with you for four months now and after work, you hurry back home to him. I’ve hardly seen you since you first met him. He’s all you ever talk about.”
“He doesn’t live here.”
“I know he still has his own place, but how many nights in the past two weeks has he stayed there?”
Leon had to think about that. “I think…last week’s Monday, yes, he stayed there after being out with one of his friends. Who knows what he did there with that Will…”
“You’re cute when you’re jealous, bear.”
“I’m not…,” yes, he was, even though he wouldn’t admit that. “And he’s not here tonight.”
“And your place feels cold and lonely without him.”
Leon had to bite his lip to not say ‘yes’. “It feels like before. The way it should be.”
Mithian sighed again.
“I have to end it. It won’t go anywhere. He’ll leave soon anyway.”
“Leon!” She shouted and then her voice went soft. “Stop that, please! I know that it hurt you when we ended things. And you’re still hurt because of Percy.”
“He just fell for another man.”
“I know, bear, I’ve been there, there was nothing you could have done. You can’t command feelings. But that’s no reason to not try it again.”
“If I let this continue, you’ll have to piece me back together again, do you really want that?”
“What makes you so sure that it’ll end badly?”
“Every relationship I’ve ever been in did.” Leon sat down on his bed again and leaned his head back against the wall.
“So you rather end it while it’s good? That’s bullshit, Leon.”
Oh, now Mithian got serious. She hardly ever swore and that tone she said his name in…that was never a good sign.
“Mithi…”
“Oh, don’t you ‘Mithi’ me, Leon! You’re only hurting yourself if you kick Merlin out now. He might not be the lawyer or doctor you always dreamed of. He might not live on a boring old schedule. But he’s brilliant in his own way. He makes it through life without a nine-to-five job, he knows how to organize himself to make money and have enough time to do the things he really loves. He’s a creative spirit and he does you good. You two complete each other. He needs a bit of your rules and you need a bit of his…breaking the rules.”
Leon didn’t know what to say. The way Mithian put it, it all made sense. “But…”
“I’m going to hang up now, Leon. Think about it before you do something harsh, promise me.”
“Night, Mithi.”
“Night, Leon.”
Long after he’d set the phone aside, Leon stared at the ceiling, trying to process what Mithian had said. She was right, he liked Merlin – a lot more than he wanted to. And so far they had worked perfectly, but he couldn’t help the feeling that Merlin would leave him.
+++
Sighing, Leon looked at Freya. “He didn’t…”
Freya nodded. “He was here. And left this for you.” She handed him an envelope. “Leon, I…”
He just looked at her. They were working together for years now and aside from Mithian, Freya was one of his confidantes. She knew about Merlin, him breaking up with the boy, going back to his own life.
Merlin hadn’t been happy. There had been tears and promises to change, but Leon hadn’t given in. He knew Merlin would be happier without him and find someone new soon.
But just as Merlin had promised, he didn’t give up. He sent flowers and Leon’s favorite chocolates, tickets to the movies and – like today – a little poem in a card that he’d drawn himself.
Sometimes he showed up when Leon left the building for lunch, carrying a picnic basket, trying to make Leon spend time with him.
Once or twice, Leon had given in, but he knew it didn’t do him any good. He tried to forget Merlin, not get him back into his life. He enjoyed his Saturday nights in front of the TV with a DVD and his quiet Sunday afternoons with long walks in the park or at a classical concert. If his place was a tiny bit empty and too quiet when he came home, he wouldn’t admit it. He would get Merlin out of his system and then be free for someone who really fit.
Leon knew that Freya thought he had made the wrong decision and she just sighed as she took his wrist and put the envelope in his hand. “At least think about it again, okay?”
There was nothing to think about .
+++
Leon frowned when there was a knock on his door at 10:30 on Saturday night. He got up and opened just a fraction.
“Hi.”
“Merlin.” What was he doing here?
“You’re not dressed yet.”
“I am dressed.”
“Didn’t you get my note?”
Taking in the skin-tight jeans and the t-shirt that was so thin that he could see Merlin’s smooth chest through it, Leon’s eyebrow rose.
“The one that we’re going clubbing tonight. Good thing I’m a bit early, let me pick out your clothes.”
Merlin tried to push inside, but Leon didn’t let go of the door. “Merlin.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not going clubbing. Not with anyone and definitely not with you.”
“Leon!” The sad look was back in Merlin’s eyes. “Don’t send me away. I miss you so much, let’s at least talk about this again.”
“There is nothing to talk about. We’ve said it all. We shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
“But Leon…what did I do wrong?” Merlin’s shoulders slumped.
“Nothing. It’s me. I’m too old for you. I didn’t do you any good by trying to be someone I’m not.”
“I already said, we don’t have to go out every weekend. We can stay in and watch movies and read and do…stuff.”
Merlin looked so miserable that Leon almost gave in and wrapped his arms around him. His fingers itched to reach out and cup that beautiful sad face in front of him.
“It would be fine now, but you would only hate me later for taking away your chances to meet someone you really want to be with.”
“I want to be with you.” A stubborn look showed on Merlin’s handsome features. “But okay. If you don’t want me, I’m not going to beg.”
Merlin turned and started walking down the corridor and Leon’s eyes followed him to the corner. This might be the last time he’d see him, which gave a sharp stab to his heart.
Leon saw Merlin stopping and he turned. “I could never hate you, Leon.”
And then he was gone.
Which was the best for everyone involved.
+++
The calls stopped after that day. Merlin didn’t show up on Leon’s lunch break or after work. He didn’t send cards with poems or random thoughts and it felt as if he had vanished completely.
That was exactly what Leon wanted.
He tossed his keys on the little side board and hung up his jacket only to immediately reach for the remote control and switch on the TV. It was too quiet without someone babbling in the background.
There were no messages on the answering machine, so Leon decided to take a shower after putting the groceries away and then…he looked around. He didn’t really know what to do with himself. He’d read all the books on his to-read-stack, answered all his emails, paid all his bills. There was nothing left to do.
He could try out that new gourmet cook book that was just in the mail from amazon the other day. But it wasn’t much fun to cook just for one person. The image of Merlin’s eager face when he cooked something for him popped up in his mind. Yes, it would be more fun to cook for someone.
There was a DVD on the shelf that looked unfamiliar and when Leon pulled it out, he noticed it was a Disney animation movie. Something, he’d never buy for himself, so Merlin must have forgotten to pack it. Leon put it back on the shelf, in the far back, trying not to think about the nights they’d spend on the couch, snuggled up, stuffing their faces with popcorn and watching one of the movies Merlin loved so much.
Leon sat down heavily in his favorite arm chair and reached for his phone. He had made the right decision, hadn’t he? He reached for his phone and pressed a speed-dial button.
“Hi, this is Mithian. I’m too busy to answer your call at the moment. Just leave me a nice message and I might call you back.”
He smiled at the familiar message but the smile slid off his face when she continued.
“And if this is you, Leon. I’m not talking to you at the moment. You know why.”
She still didn’t talk to him after all these weeks. She had been less than happy when he had informed her that he had ended this thing with Merlin. Talking about how he was taking happiness away from himself and not allowing himself to want something that was good for him.
He ended the call, got over to his bookshelf and pulled out a huge coffee-table book with photos of painting of his favorite impressionists. He could look at the paintings, or the photos of them, for hours, losing himself in how the artists used colors and techniques, letting his mind wander through the paintings. It calmed him.
When he open the book at his favorite painting of Van Gogh – and he was fully aware of the fact that Van Gogh was more like a pioneer of expressionism, but still counted as an impressionist – a little note fell out.
Leon picked it up.
“Love you, Leon.”
In Merlin’s handwriting.
Leon closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had fucked up. All the time he thought that it was better to be alone than to get his heart broken again. And while he firmly believed it was better to break up with Merlin, he had fallen even deeper in love with him. He missed him so much it hurt.
Jumping up, knocking his glass of water over and not caring about it spilling onto the carpet, Leon rushed to his bedroom. It was a Saturday night, Merlin must be at the club. At one of those they had been to while they were together. If he was lucky, he would catch him there and explain his flaw in thinking. If he was really lucky, Merlin would forgive him. And maybe there was hope for fixing what he had wreaked.
There were no new clothes, Merlin had seen them all. Heck, he had chosen most of them for Leon. So he picked those he knew Merlin had liked him in and put them on while fiddling with his hair, that today of all days had a mind of its own. He reached for the leather jacket Merlin had insisted on getting. He’d never felt really comfortable in it, but Merlin adored it.
An hour later, Leon entered the club and ignored the come-ons some of the blokes threw him. He was here on a mission. When he didn’t see Merlin, he got himself a beer and waited. Maybe Merlin had better plans tonight. Or went to a different club. Or something.
Just as he was half way through his beer – having fended off some of the more hands-on come-ons – he saw Merlin coming in. His face lit up and he wanted to go over right away, but he was cut off by a handsome blond. So he watched as Merlin smiled his wonderful full-face smile and let the blond buy him a cocktail.
Leon felt as if he took a punch to the stomach. So that was the reason why Merlin had stopped calling. He had found someone new. Someone just like Leon had told him. A bit more his age, gorgeous, the perfect boyfriend for him. Leon felt sick and couldn’t move. He needed to watch, to observe, just to make sure that Merlin was okay now.
He didn’t notice how he crept closer. When he was only a few feet away, the blond threw an arm around Merlin’s shoulders and pulled him in for a deep kiss.
“No!” This couldn’t happen. Merlin was his! In blind jealousy, he grabbed the blond’s shoulder and yanked him away from Merlin.
“Leon!” Merlin smiled up at him.
He smiled! That meant he was happy to see him, didn’t it?
“Merlin, I…I was a fool. I made such a big mistake. Can we…can we talk?”
Merlin’s smile widened. He leaned over and put a smooch on the blond’s cheek and then looked back at Leon. “Let’s go.”
As soon as they were out on the street, Leon couldn’t hold the question back. “Is he your new boyfriend?”
Merlin laughed. “Arthur? No. We’ve known each other since kindergarten.”
“And he’s allowed to kiss you like that?” Leon was confused. He had friends from way back, but he never snogged any of them this way.
“Only when my boyfriend is watching and needs to be made jealous.” Merlin chuckled.
“You’re…” Leon stopped walking and looked at Merlin.
Merlin wrapped his arms around Leon’s waist and looked up at him. “It was an act, dummy. I’m not really willing to forgive you for chucking me out of your life like that yet. But…”
Automatically, Leon’s arms pulled Merlin close. “I was an idiot. I missed you so much. I understood if you wouldn’t want me back. Just know…I’m sorry. If there’s any chance…” His voice broke.
Merlin poked his side. “That’s a good start. We can work with that.” He looked up at Leon. “But you know what will really help now?”
“What? Anything for you, Merlin.”
“Shut up and kiss me.”