Chapter Text
Contrary to popular belief, Nicholas’ scar was not without feeling. While it didn’t work like a metal pin that ached when the weather started to change, he had zips of nerve signals that ran up and down his arm all sourced from the area around his elbow sometimes, especially when he seemed to reach too high for anything. But his scar did not throb. It did not pulse. It did not ache. That was all left to his heart as he sighed in the building’s lobby watching a light smattering of snow gathering on the sidewalk.
When his last endeavor failed and he wasn’t sure how to even pick himself back up, he remembered his sister had dragged him out to eat. He had sat, surly and cynically, staring at people passing by, stories in his head about how successful each of them was until his sister insisted he ate.
“Come on, baby brother,” she had pulled out those words she hadn’t for years except when she was determined to embarrass him in front of friends, but the tone wasn’t right as he sat across from her. “I just need to make sure you’re alive.”
“I’m alive,” he muttered to himself now, not really hungry but craving something warm to remind himself of what his sister had wanted him to realize. He had fight in him left, but he would need energy to keep going. Reaching into his bag for his wallet, he—realized he didn’t have his bag. Patting his empty pockets, he stared back at the waiting elevator and willed them to close. He would wait for the shaft to go back to Euijoo’s floor. He would stay here until it returned. And when Euijoo came out with his things, Nicholas could try again then. He would invite him out for dinner. Because maybe Euijoo needed reminding that he was alive, too.
But the elevator remained open, and Nicholas figured any security guard watching him on the cameras would start to get suspicious, so Nicholas begrudgingly went back to Euijoo’s floor. He paced a little, hesitating as he tried to come up with what to say.
“I left my things” was one of the oldest tricks in the book. One he had pulled back in the day a few times, even, when he wanted to see someone again but wasn’t looking to initiate anything. But he left trinkets then. Rings he didn’t super care about anymore, shirts with a few too many holes, umbrellas he had picked up from somewhere else to begin with that in actuality held no sentimental value. He wouldn’t accidentally leave his wallet behind anywhere only to wait around for someone to invite him back over.
Eventually, Nicholas knocked on Euijoo’s door.
Unsurprisingly, Euijoo didn’t answer.
Nicholas tried not to act like his young cousins and stick his face in the door’s camera as he rang the bell. Euijoo would be able to clearly see who it was. He surely had to know even without looking. Nicholas started to realize, though, as no answer came, that Euijoo probably wasn’t thinking about Nicholas retrieving his things but was ignoring him because he didn’t want to discuss the way they had kissed.
How had they kissed?
Slowly, at first. Cautiously, certainly, though there was an appeal to the way Euijoo had met him that Nicholas hadn’t expected. Softly, too, almost gently. Nicholas had been worried about Euijoo pushing him away, so he hadn’t wanted to be too rough. They had kissed—
Tenderly, Nicholas decided on. Like they weren’t just kissing to kiss.
“Euijoo,” Nicholas said with his forehead against the door, desperate not to sound pathetic as he thought of Euijoo’s hand on his face and then on his chest. “I just—I need my things. Could you please let me in? Or hand them to me? I need my bag. Euijoo, come on. Please open up.” But even when Nicholas remembered part of communicating meant shutting up to listen, he heard nothing on the other side of Euijoo’s door, and while he didn’t bend down like a creep to peer under the door, he didn’t see the entry light coming on, either. Stepping back from the door, he drummed his fingers over his thighs and paced up and down a few times while thinking.
Going home without his wallet wouldn’t be the end of the world. His phone could pay for things, anyway, but just as Nicholas began to wonder if he would ever see his leather Louis Vuitton wallet again, he had another less-selfish, more serious thought.
Without knowing what was wrong with Euijoo and realizing he had left his duties watching over Euijoo before Yudai arrived, Nicholas suddenly stopped in front of Euijoo’s door and knocked as loudly as he could. An image of Euijoo suddenly passed out on the floor or, even worse, hitting his head as he passed out sent Nicholas’ heart into panic mode, and he only stepped back short of shouting because he didn’t want a neighbor to come investigating.
Cursing his stupidity, he called Yudai with shaking fingers, knowing his own pride would have to take a hit if he wanted to do right by Euijoo.
“Is he refusing to eat his vegetables?” Yudai’s voice, almost sounding bored, came as his greeting, and Nicholas opened his mouth a few times without succeeding in saying anything. Yudai must have experience with idiots, because his voice turned serious and sharp as he said, “Is Euijoo okay?”
“I, uh, I got locked out, so I don’t know.”
“What do you mean? What happened?”
“He told me to leave.”
“Why would he do that? What happened?” Yudai said, which was a perfectly fine question. Nicholas had no qualms in telling him, except the story didn’t only involve himself. Even if Yudai was Euijoo’s best friend, perhaps this was something Euijoo didn’t want Yudai knowing.
“I don’t know if I should tell you. It’s maybe not your business?” Nicholas almost winced as he said it, but since he already felt like an asshole, he figured adding a little sprinkling of jerkiness wouldn’t make the already inedible sundae any worse.
“Nicholas, tell me right now.”
“We, um,” Nicholas obeyed without a second thought, “kissed, and then he told me to leave.”
“And you just did?”
“I—uh, yeah? It’s his apartment?”
“So why are you trying to get back in?”
“I’m supposed to watch him until you get here?” Nicholas said, not sure why everything was coming out as a question. Clearing his throat, he spoke clearly. “I accidentally left my stuff in there.”
“What stuff?”
“My bag. My wallet and stuff I brought.”
“What stuff did you bring?”
“Why’s that matter?” Nicholas almost huffed, wondering why Yudai was playing twenty questions with him.
“Nicholas—” Yudai’s voice changed again, and for the second time Nicholas almost felt his spine straighten. He almost felt bad for the kids running on Yudai’s track. They probably didn’t get away with anything.
“I brought over some craft stuff. We were making bracelets. And my sewing kit is in my bag.”
“So you brought scissors?”
“Uh, yeah, there are scissors in there,” Nicholas said, swallowing when Yudai didn’t ask another question. “Why do you ask?”
“How long have you been out of the apartment?”
“Oh, uh, maybe, like, I don’t know, fifteen minutes?”
“I will be there as soon as I can.”
“But I—”
“I’m going to send you the door code,” Yudai said, and something in his voice reminded Nicholas of his father’s when he held Nicholas in his arms at the hospital while his blood grew stained from his son’s blood. “Go in. Now. Call an ambulance if it’s bad, or just call me back.”
“Why would I—” Nicholas blinked, but Yudai had already hung up. Before his screen could even go dark, a few numbers from Yudai came through, and Nicholas typed them in to Euijoo’s door, a familiar ding from a correct combination alerting him he could enter.
Nicholas didn’t feel like he should, though.
The apartment felt even more lifeless than it had when he first arrived despite evidences of him being there still lingering. Toeing off his shoes, he called out for Euijoo before trying again. He felt like he couldn’t hear himself over his heartbeat in his ears. As the light clicked back off after he had come in, he knew he had to move. Shuffling into the living room, he saw his supplies still out, but the scissors weren’t where he had left them. Checking his bag and under a few pillows produced nothing, so Nicholas looked down the suddenly long hallway toward Euijoo’s room.
“Euijoo?” he barely whispered. Keeping a hand on the bare wall, he walked toward Euijoo’s room, not sure if he needed to steady his breathing or footsteps more.
“Yudai gave me the code,” he said as he came to Euijoo’s door. A quick glance let him know the small room was empty, though. Just the city lights through a small window tried to illuminate Nicholas’ steps. A brighter light led him on, though, over his pair of sweatpants discarded on the floor, and he knew he should have knocked. Should have said something. Should have asked or waited or listened. But he slid the bathroom door open without a word and watched the light spill out.
It wasn’t the only thing he watched spill out.
And even in the brightness that met him, he saw no light reflected in the eyes that glanced up at him.
“Hi,” Nicholas said as he squatted down, knowing red wouldn’t show up on his black socks even as he felt them step into a sticky puddle. Holding out his hand and marveling how now it didn’t shake at all, he said, “Give me those.”
Euijoo looked up at him, his back against the wall but his shoulders slumped in defeat or exhaustion, his long legs stretched out in front of him and his own socks somehow still pure white, and Nicholas thought for a moment Euijoo was going to ram the pair of bloody scissors straight through Nicholas’ palm. He thought that Euijoo might refuse and curl his fingers around the handle. That he might begin his attack afresh and make Nicholas watch the life drain out of him. Swallowing, Nicholas clenched his jaw and wondered at how Yudai made him obey so quickly. He wondered if he had any of that kind of power of Euijoo, or anyone, really, and if he did, if now was the right time to use it. But all his worrying went nowhere, because Euijoo lifted his hand up, the scissors suddenly a dumbbell, and passed their heaviness over to Nicholas.
Standing briefly, Nicholas dropped them into the sink and squatted right back down to survey the damage done to Euijoo’s legs. The battlefield was too bloody, though, and, hoping no desperation was bleeding into his voice, Nicholas reached for Euijoo’s hands without asking.
“Come sit on your stool for me, please.” Eyeing him oddly, like he was beginning to realize who was in the bathroom with him, Euijoo still let Nicholas help him up and move a few steps over to the stool in his shower. Equally surprising and concerning, Euijoo didn’t even seem to wince moving around.
“Just a second, yeah?” Nicholas said, afraid to even turn his back on Euijoo but needing to do so. Rummaging through his cabinet, he said, “Need to get you cleaned up.”
“Under my bed,” came Euijoo’s words, so raspy and shocking that Nicholas dropped the bottle in his hand to turn and stare at the guy. He had blood trickling down his legs dripping onto the tile beneath him, but he was sitting up straight like a kid waiting for the doctor to tell him to stick out his tongue and say “ah!”
“Why’s it under your—yeah, one sec,” Nicholas said, his arms pulling out everything from under Euijoo’s bed until he found a plastic container. Inside was disinfectant, gauze, bandages, and other medical supplies. Dropping it near Euijoo, he opened the disinfectant and then looked around like an idiot because he knew he couldn’t simply put it on as is. Euijoo pointed across the tiny room again to his drying towels. Yanking one off, Nicholas pressed it against Euijoo’s thigh, his eyes widening when Euijoo finally reacted with a sharp intake of breath.
“Shit, sorry. Should I call an ambulance? I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“No,” Euijoo said. “It looks worse than it is. Don’t worry. I’ve done worse before.”
“You’ve—” Nicholas said, his eyes going to Euijoo’s fingers gripping Nicholas’s elbow. He could feel Euijoo’s thumb pressing against his scar, because contrary to popular belief, he still had plenty of feeling in his skin there as discolored and misshapen compared to the rest of his arm it was. “You’ve done this before,” Nicholas said, calmer and yet afraid to hear his own voice. Euijoo maybe nodded or perhaps hummed in affirmation, but Nicholas felt some sense of urgency returning. Peeling the towel away, he was met with a fresh wave of blood rising to spill over the cracks Euijoo had made in his skin.
“Damn it,” he couldn’t help but say as he ripped open a wipe and swept it, not altogether gently but not meaning to be rough, across Euijoo’s skin. The reaction from Euijoo was sharper this time, as were his nails digging into Nicholas’ arm, and for some reason, that made Nicholas peel open another wipe to swipe at the blood again.
“I know it stings,” he said as he glanced up at Euijoo from beneath his bangs. A few tears—of pain? Frustration? Embarrassment?—were stuck in his eyes, and Nicholas used one more wipe to clean Euijoo’s skin as much as possible. No amount of planning to win Euijoo back might save Nicholas now, but none of that mattered. Not when he could see the thick, fresh, jagged cut on Euijoo’s skin like it was trying to overpower the dozens of other scar lines already there. Not when he could see Euijoo in the dark sitting on the edge of a bed, his fingers curled right over the spot Nicholas was now desperately trying to bandage.
“I know,” Nicholas said again, even if he really had no idea what he was saying. He didn’t know. He had screamed when they cleaned his arm in the hospital, when they put stiches in, when he babbled about being afraid they would have to amputate. But he couldn’t really remember what his arm had felt like then. He only knew what his scar was now, and now it never hurt.
Positive the first bandage would be bled through, Nicholas still did his best to wrap the gauze in such a way that it wouldn’t just fall off as soon as he let go.
“I’m sorry,” he said for the umpteenth time in his pathetic attempt when he saw Euijoo finally couldn’t hold his tears back anymore and a few rolled down his cheek. Laughing humorously, Nicholas was baffled but relieved when Euijoo actually smiled back at him when he said, “I’m just really shit at this. I don’t think I’ve ever had to do more than, like, a papercut or a blister before.”
“Good,” Euijoo said, which only made Nicholas realize his smile wasn’t happy. They both stopped looking at each other and glanced toward the door when they heard the front door, and Nicholas felt the hand on his arm tighten even more somehow.
“It’s Yudai. He—wait, should I keep him out?”
“No, he knows,” Euijoo sighed, his shoulders relaxing but his hand not leaving Nicholas’ arm, not even when Yudai came and told Nicholas to move. Standing out of the way, Nicholas felt himself breathe as he looked down at Euijoo’s fingers on his arm and at Yudai checking and fixing his bandage.
“What happened, darling?” Yudai spoke so softly to Euijoo that Nicholas felt like he was intruding. He even cleared his throat and mumbled,
“I’ll wait in the living room,” but Euijoo glanced up at him with parted lips and huge eyes and Yudai glared at him so intensely Nicholas felt frozen.
“Don’t go,” Euijoo managed even as Yudai said,
“Don’t you go anywhere. What happened, Juju?”
“Nicholas didn’t do anything,” Euijoo said, the tsk that left Yudai’s mouth as he went back to attending to Euijoo telling Nicholas everything he needed to know about what Yudai really thought about him. “Honest, hyung. He did nothing wrong. Be nice.”
“I’m perfectly nice. I let him come over to begin with, didn’t I?”
“It’s my apartment,” Euijoo almost sounded exasperated.
“So he has nothing to do with you cutting yourself?” Yudai asked, the question so honest that Nicholas felt Euijoo freeze even from where they were attached. They all knew that was exactly what Euijoo had done, what Euijoo had apparently done many times before, but to put a name to such a violent act was like possibly adding another slash against his skin.
“Hyung, I—”
“Just tell me this. Honestly,” Yudai said, and behind the demanding voice Nicholas saw only concern that rivaled how his own family looked at him, “is this at least the first time this week? Since you got sick?”
“Yes. Honest,” Euijoo said with a curt nod. “Even if—I wanted to—” Sighing, he shrugged, seemingly done, but then Yudai asked,
“And since my party?”
“Hyung,” Euijoo said, his voice sounding parched. Nicholas looked down at the bandage around his leg, at the drops of blood sliding down the drain, at the evidence of violence all over the bathroom, and knew Euijoo needed more than just dinner and some water to feel alive again, but they both might be a good start.
“That night?”
“Hyung,” Euijoo said, his voice sounding so strained as tears gathered in his eyes again that Nicholas said,
“Don’t you think that’s enough, Yudai?”
“You should be quiet,” Yudai said as he stood up, his height making Nicholas feel like a child and yet making him equally defiant now. “Since you’ve been the cause of this twice now.”
“Cause? I didn’t—”
“Hyung, that’s unfair, and you know it. Leave Nicholas alone,” Euijoo said. Like Jo, he was so soft spoken that Nicholas didn’t believe he had a mean bone in his body, and yet the tone his words took was venomous, and his eyes flashed up at Yudai so quickly that even Nicholas blinked down at him.
“Alright, alright,” Yudai said as he ran his fingers through his hair and then swept his thumb across Euijoo’s wet eyes. “But you know I’m just trying to protect you. You know I promised you I would tell you if I thought you were making a mistake again with a guy.”
“I know,” Euijoo said, and Nicholas tried not to feel offended because he had a feeling this wasn’t really about him to begin with, and Euijoo still hadn’t let go of his arm, even if his hand had slipped down to his wrist. “I am trying to make him go away.”
“Do you want me to make him?”
“I’m literally right here,” Nicholas muttered as Yudai and Euijoo talked to each other.
“I mean I’m trying, hyung, when—I don’t want him to, Yudai. He makes me feel—safe and—happy—and I don’t want him to go away.”
“So why—” Yudai said as he squatted back down and put his hands on Euijoo’s bare knees. “Darling, why are we here again?”
“Because,” Euijoo breathed, and Nicholas really felt like he should leave the two alone, so he slipped his fingers between Euijoo’s instead as Euijoo looked down at his thighs. One, covered in white with splotches beginning to appear, the other with raised lines lighter than the skin around them. Euijoo ran his free fingers over his leg, over the bumps there until Yudai pulled his hand toward his, and for a moment, the three of them were connected. Some great secret was told, then. Nicholas caught a glimpse of the years of knowing each other. He felt strong and yet oddly weak, encouraged and yet vulnerable, and overall, the moment was overwhelmingly—
Intimate.
“You know I can’t let him stay.”
“And you know how I feel about that,” Yudai said, rubbing Euijoo’s leg back and forth a few times before he pulled Euijoo’s hand toward him. With a quick peck, he let Euijoo go and stood up to stare at Nicholas. With his hands on his hips, he looked every bit like a mother about to nag or a coach about to scold, and Nicholas stood up taller like he had something to prove.
“Did you notice anything was missing in Euijoo’s kitchen?”
“Uh,” Nicholas said, confused by the odd question.
“There are no knives or kitchen scissors. Why do you think Taki or I come over to cook for him?”
“I thought you were just good friends,” Nicholas said, suddenly frowning. “How was I supposed to know? No one’s told me anything. You can’t seriously think this is my fault.”
“No,” Yudai said, though his frown didn’t go away. “No, I’m not blaming you. I know you didn’t know. No one knows except me.”
“What? Really?”
“And Yuma,” Euijoo said, his eyes still downcast.
“Not even Taki?”
“We’ve done our best to keep it from him. Euijoo’s always wanted it that way. You’re obviously not going to tell anyone.”
“Of course I won’t,” Nicholas said.
“And I appreciate you doing what you could. I’ve got it from here, though, so you can go.”
“No,” Euijoo said, the tiny word making Nicholas and Yudai look down at him. With a deep breath, Euijoo repeated himself and lifted his head.
“Juju, I’m not leaving you alone, and I know you’ll say no to the hospital.”
“Nicholas can stay with me.”
“Nicholas,” Yudai repeated, like the name was disgusting on his tongue, which was exactly what Nicholas was thinking.
“You want me to stay?”
“If—you can,” Euijoo said, his voice dropping as his head did. “I know you have work.”
“I—can stay,” Nicholas said. In his plan to somehow win Euijoo back and convince him to let him kiss him again, he hadn’t considered work at all. But he would sacrifice his café if he needed to. The thinking was a bit dramatic, surely, but needing to open late or stay closed for a day wouldn’t end his career. Squeezing Euijoo’s hand, Nicholas repeated with more surety, “I can stay as long as you need.” Yudai looked between the two of them for longer than necessary before he nodded and started to clean up, instructions suddenly flying so quickly Nicholas felt like he should be taking notes.
He needed to feed Euijoo. He needed to make sure he took his pills. He needed to not leave him alone again. He needed to make sure he didn’t sleep too much but got plenty of rest. He needed to—to—to—to—
“Hyung, I’m not a child,” Euijoo said as he finally stood up, a wince now leaving his mouth as he pulled himself up with Nicholas’ assistance.
“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong,” Yudai said as he reached over to ruffle Euijoo’s hair. “You’re one of my kids for sure. I’ll be back tomorrow. Around lunchtime, okay? And you can send me away again if you need to, but maybe Nicholas will need a break. One day at a time, right?”
“Right,” Euijoo nodded as he fixed his hair.
“Alright, then—” Yudai said, the plastic container and clean scissors in his hand. “You’re sure you don’t need stiches?”
“Yes. Hyung, go.”
“Nicholas has your door code now, so call someone Monday to change it if you need to.”
“It’s fine,” Euijoo said. “Hyung, seriously, go.”
“Okay, but call me if you need anything, yeah? I’ll come running.”
“I know, hyung. Go. I’m alright. Thank you.”
“Alright,” Yudai said, his eyes narrow again as he looked at Nicholas one more time before he smiled at Euijoo. They stood in the bathroom listening to him leave, and Nicholas almost had to smile as Yudai seemed to be taking his sweet time checking multiple cabinets or cleaning up little non-existent messes before finally accepting he had nothing else to do. When the door finally clicked, Nicholas heard Euijoo sigh, and only then did he realize that Euijoo might have just blatantly lied to his best friend. The guy was about to send him away, and he was either going to be fine, or he was going to be dead by morning.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Nicholas said as he tightened his hold on Euijoo’s fingers, his confession or his grip making Euijoo blink at him for a few seconds before the surprise melted away and doubt started to surface again between Euijoo’s eyes.
“You don’t have to stay. Really. I got it out of my system, so—”
“So?” Nicholas repeated, not sure why Euijoo didn’t finish his sentence.
“So,” Euijoo lifted their joint hands, “you can let go now.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Do you hate yourself, too?”
“What? No. Why—why would you ask that?” Nicholas said, knowing he should probably place his words more carefully in the room so they didn’t play minesweeper.
“Because why else would you stay after seeing me do that?”
“Because I care about you.”
“I don’t need your pity.”
“Wow,” Nicholas actually laughed without thinking how offensive that might be. “Do you watch a lot of dramas? What does that even mean in real life? I don’t know why you—hurt yourself, and I know now that you won’t tell me anything unless you want to. Whatever the reason, I can feel bad for you. That’s called human empathy, Euijoo. I know I’ve upset you a few times or not said the right thing or said the wrong thing, or—whatever, but, listen, if you say this wasn’t my fault, then I’ll believe you. I don’t have any regrets. I still don’t feel any regrets for kissing you. I didn’t after Yudai’s party, and I don’t after tonight. But a guy’s gotta—shit, Euijoo, a guy’s gotta wonder, if you kiss someone and they drop off the face of the earth or suddenly end up in a bloody pool—I can’t help but wonder, you know? I just don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t mean to before, and I didn’t mean to today. I care about you. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“You didn’t hurt me,” Euijoo said as he shuffled one step closer. “Honest. I just—I do that myself.”
“Why? Why do you hurt yourself?” Nicholas said, his thumb rubbing at Euijoo’s knuckles before he took in a long breath. “You don’t have to tell me. Just—shit, I don’t know what to say.”
“I think you should say what you want,” Euijoo said. “I don’t want pity, and I hate when people talk like I’m not in the room, and I hate when they walk on eggshells around me.”
“Alright,” Nicholas nodded. “Then you scared the shit out of me. There. And I never want to see that again. I never want you to do that again.”
“You don’t—” Have a right to say that, demand that, ask that, was what Nicholas thought Euijoo was going to say. But Euijoo shook his head and said instead, “That’s not how it works.”
“Tell me, then.”
“I don’t—I don’t want to right now.”
“Alright,” Nicholas said as he licked his lips.
“Really? Didn’t I just say to say what you want?”
“I’m not going to force you. I want to know, so I’ll listen when you’re ready. I can only imagine it’s not something easy to talk about. You didn’t want me to find you, did you?”
“No,” Euijoo said slowly. “Or—maybe. I didn’t think you’d come back. But—I didn’t want to be found the first couple of times. I don’t now, either. Not most of the time. It’s—stupid. It’s embarrassing. I feel—can you not look at me for a minute?”
“Sure,” Nicholas said, feeling Euijoo’s fingers squeeze his as he looked into the darkened bedroom.
“I feel ashamed. So the first time Yudai found me—I don’t think I really wanted to die that first time, but something about him finding me made me want to. And then when Yuma did—there’s something about your secret becoming known, your secret that is obviously not considered normal and isn’t right, that makes you hate yourself even more, and then even if you hope no one ever finds you doing it again, you keep doing it. And then, oddly enough, there’s this weird, unexplainable human part that comes out of, like, I hope someone does find me. Because I want to be proven wrong. So I didn’t want you to see. How can I look at you, now that you’ve seen me like this? But maybe I wanted you to find me. I never said I make sense. Sometimes we push the exact people away who we want to keep close.”
“I think it’s pretty easy to look at you, if I may,” Nicholas said, only turning his head back when Euijoo didn’t deny him. He reached his hand up slowly to Euijoo’s face, waiting for him to pull away. Meeting no resistance or reluctance, though, he let his hot palm meet the warmth of Euijoo’s cheek. “I’ve had a lot of people call me a cat all my life, but I think you’re a better example of one than even I am.”
“I’m not a cat,” Euijoo bristled. Exactly like a cat would.
“Pushing people away when you really want them to be close?” Nicholas quirked his eyebrows as he held Euijoo’s face in place. “That’s a cat, good sir.”
“You won’t let me touch your hair. Who’s the real cat?”
“Ah,” Nicholas said, dodging out of Euijoo’s touch and staggering a little because their other hands were still clasped together. Euijoo tripped over his stool in the process and put his free hand out to catch himself which meant Nicholas caught the brunt of his fall. To avoid falling over, he wrapped his arm around Euijoo’s waist and pulled him back a little. Nicholas had been in the midst of laughing, though it was only going to be funny if no one was hurt, so he started to ask,
“Are you alright?” when Euijoo lurched forward. Thinking he was somehow tripping again, Nicholas was caught off guard when Euijoo was suddenly kissing him.
Again.
Not softly or cautiously or tenderly at all.
He kissed him like he wanted to fall into him. Like he wanted to put all his weight on Nicholas to see if he would catch him. Like he wanted their teeth to clack and their lips to get nipped so he could challenge everything Nicholas had said.
“Ah, Euijoo,” Nicholas said after a few close calls that bordered on too aggressive. “Are you trying to hurt yourself again?” His hands had both made their way to Euijoo’s face to pull him away enough to look at, and at Nicholas’ words, Euijoo’s face crumpled a little. Caught between not wanting to hurt him and wanting to be himself and say what he meant, Nicholas wasn’t sure if he should panic or tease Euijoo for his expression.
“Sorry, I—” Euijoo said as he pulled away a little, softly enough that Nicholas let his face go but dropped his hands to his waist. “I’m not good at this. I don’t know why I did that.”
“Don’t think so much about it,” Nicholas said before laughing softly. “Okay, I know that was definitely the wrong thing to say. Can we get out of this bathroom? I want to eat. I want you to eat something. Let’s eat something.”
“You have a real way with words,” Euijoo said, his lips quirking just enough for Nicholas to poke his side once, smiling at the way Euijoo flinched. Still, Euijoo followed him out, or he let Nicholas lead him out, and, contrary to popular belief, Euijoo’s hand in his the whole time really did make Nicholas’ heart flutter in his chest.
Memories let you live a lifetime in a day. Sometimes this was healing, but other times feeling like he was back in Japan watching the sun set as someone walked away was excruciating. Those times when he couldn’t seem to remember when or where he was usually ended with cold, wet tile beneath him as he came back to himself. He knew how contradictory his actions always seemed—he wanted to forget but all he could do was remember.
He wanted to move on but kept thinking about how he had gotten to this point. He wanted to be angry and yet get over it. He wanted to process every emotion and feel nothing at all. He wanted to be numb and yet remind himself he was alive. He wanted to make everything stop but kept drawing another line on his skin. He wanted to be left alone and yet craved someone’s presence near him.
Euijoo, like the memories that swirled down the drain after he couldn’t keep them away anymore, didn’t always make sense, so he was always surprised when people seemed genuinely interested in wanting to understand him. The problem was, in Euijoo’s mind, that he couldn’t expect anyone to when he couldn’t even comprehend or explain himself.
He knew it had only been a day since Nicholas had shown up, only been a week since he had gotten super sick, only been a few months since he had started to tempt himself with what he knew he couldn’t keep, but Euijoo felt like years had passed as Nicholas cleaned up their dinner leftovers.
“You really don’t have to stay,” Euijoo said again as he watched from the couch. He couldn’t keep track of how many times he had said it. He was growing tired of it himself, so he knew Nicholas must be. But Nicholas just said,
“I really want to,” and that should have been the end to it. Euijoo watched the way his shirt fell off of Nicholas’ shoulder a little and at how the guy’s sweats he had reclaimed looked on him and thought of how he had ruined the clothes Nicholas had showed up in. He thought about apologizing again. About offering to pay for cleaning or replacing them. Euijoo thought about a lot of things. Like how apart from his friends, no one had cleaned up without complaints for him like this. The ease of Nicholas moving through Euijoo’s dim kitchen scared Euijoo more than the scissors he had snatched off of the table a couple of hours ago.
“What if I tell you to leave?” he said like an idiot, wondering where Nicholas’ lines were. Without being his friend or boyfriend, he had no reason to put up with Euijoo’s jumbled thoughts or messy actions or constant inconsistency. In the kitchen, Nicholas dried his hands and came around the counter with a frown on his face. Leaning back against it, he looked stretched out from head to foot, like Euijoo was already making him want to snap. With a slight cock of his head, he crossed his arms and said,
“I’ll, of course, do what you want. It’s your apartment. But you know Yudai will get disappointed at both of us. You’re capable of taking care of yourself as an adult. I respect your decision. I’ll do whatever you want, Euijoo.”
“What if I tell you to sleep with me?” Euijoo said, the double meaning behind his words so far from his mind he wasn’t sure for a second why Nicholas almost smirked before he shook his head.
“Does Yudai get that honor, too?”
“Sometimes,” Euijoo shrugged. “Yuma and I did a lot in college. I’ve slept with Taki, too, but he cuddles too much.”
“Right,” Nicholas said slowly, his eyes so narrow Euijoo wasn’t sure what he was thinking before Nicholas pushed himself off the counter with a laugh. “You mean sleeping.”
“Huh? That’s what I said.”
“Right, no, sorry, of course that’s all you meant.”
“What else—” Euijoo said before he positively blushed. To be fair, he couldn’t think of a time he had slept—as in sleeping—with someone apart from his friends. Sharing a bed, even asking what he had just asked Nicholas, had always been meant for something else. Standing up, he pointed across the room toward Nicholas so he would stop moving. “We are not having sex. Not tonight. Not ever.”
“Not ever? Wow, alright, well, that’s fine, yeah, I don’t have sex with someone I’m not dating, anyway, and you’ve said no pretty clearly to that,” Nicholas said. He just said. His tone confused Euijoo quite often. He didn’t sound bitter. But he wasn’t teasing. He didn’t sound upset. But he sounded sure. Of himself and of Euijoo. Euijoo wasn’t sure how Nicholas was so sure when Euijoo wasn’t even sure.
“You’ve only had sex with people you’re dating? Like—in a relationship with?”
“As of now, yeah,” Nicholas shrugged, his hands in his pockets now that he had nothing to lean upon.
“As of now,” Euijoo repeated. “As of when?”
“As of right this moment,” Nicholas said again. He just said. While staring across the room at Euijoo with a gentle fierceness that was too contradictory to make sense.
“But—” Euijoo clawed at his thighs for a moment, his lip caught between his teeth to stop himself from wincing when he forgot one was recently bandaged. “You’ll make out with someone you’re not dating.”
“Won’t you?” Nicholas said back.
“I’m tired,” was Euijoo’s way out as he shuffled back down to his room. The padding behind him might have set him on edge some other day or sent him into anxious overdrive. People often said things they didn’t mean, after all, and how could he trust Nicholas’ word? Euijoo simply knew he could, but he still glared over his shoulder when he heard,
“Leave the door open,” when he went into the bathroom.
“You want to watch me pee?”
“You know why I’m asking,” was all Nicholas said as he turned to sit on the edge of Euijoo’s bed. Euijoo wanted to remind him there was nothing sharp left in the bathroom now. He wanted to explain he wasn’t one to take all his pills at once—he had the opposite problem, in fact, of forgetting to take the few a day he should. He thought about getting snarky and making a joke about jumping out the window he could barely even fit his head through. He had grown up sharing locker rooms and going to public baths, and Nicholas had just seen him in ways not even strangers had, so privacy wasn’t really the issue. Euijoo didn’t shut the door completely as he got ready for bed and fished out a clean toothbrush for Nicholas that he offered as in peace when he came out.
“You keep these lying around?”
“When you have friends sacrificing a lot to keep you alive, you end up wanting to do the bare minimum for them,” Euijoo said, which wasn’t exactly true. The favors that came with no obligations brought guilt along for the ride, and Euijoo hated feeling like he owed people anything. And yet he was grateful, too, and knew how lucky he was to have friends who stuck by him. Both of those contradictory thoughts and feelings that turned into actions could be true at the same time. The day could be the same amount of hours it always had been and yet feel extra-long. Nicholas could be completely trustworthy, and yet Euijoo would still not be able to believe him.
He busied himself with his bed while Nicholas disappeared behind the closed door, and only after plumping the pillows for a third time did Euijoo realize what a colossal mistake he was making. He had failed twice in keeping his hands—lips—off of Nicholas. Three times, really, since he had no excuse at Yudai’s party, either. But while Nicholas had told some story while they ate dinner about his sister reminding him that eating could help him feel alive, Euijoo hadn’t explained that kissing Nicholas made Euijoo feel alive. That kind of confession felt stupid. Of course kissing made you feel alive. The nerves in your lips interacting with another pair would send signals to your brain and the rest of your body. Those were signs of life. Your heartrate increasing, your skin warming, your cock hardening—all of these reactions were proof you were alive.
Euijoo reminded himself with a quick pat against his bandage that there were other ways to remember he had feelings. He would keep his hands—lips—off of Nicholas.
“Hey, you don’t snore, do you?” Euijoo said as soon as the door opened just to have something to say.
“Not that I know of. Do you?”
“No. Taki does.”
“Good to know,” Nicholas laughed softly as he clicked the bathroom light off. “Want me to take a certain side?”
“Ah, there,” Euijoo pointed to where Nicholas already was. “Since I’ll have to sleep on my right tonight.”
“Want to face me or spoon me?” Nicholas smiled as he batted his eyelashes while Euijoo peeled the blanket back.
“I can send you to the couch at any time,” Euijoo deadpanned convincingly enough that Nicholas laughed again.
“Alright, alright, no touching. I apologize if I disobey, though I don’t think I’m a big cuddler.”
“No?” Euijoo said as he watched Nicholas lay down before putting his own knees on his bed like he didn’t know where it was safe to put his weight since another person was on one side now.
“I tend to sleep like this,” Nicholas said, his legs straight together and his arms up by his ears in the funniest sleeping position Euijoo had ever seen.
“You’re like that cat in that video when someone tickles its belly,” Euijoo laughed as he sat down, being careful to keep his left leg straight.
“Don’t tickle me,” Nicholas said, his eyes suddenly dark. His position was still so cute, though, that Euijoo couldn’t take him seriously. “I will smack you.”
“If you hurt me, you’ll have Yudai to answer to.”
“Ah,” Nicholas sighed as he stuck his arms out over his head. The way he pressed on Euijoo’s headboard and stretched had Euijoo thinking again about tired the man must be of him, especially when Euijoo looked at the glimpse of skin around his hip. Only looking away when Nicholas covered himself up by pulling the blanket up, Euijoo laid down and curled his hands under his chin. His bed really wasn’t quite made for two. Not two grown men, at least. Euijoo knew he had a few options. One was to close his eyes now. The other was to keep looking straight ahead at Nicholas’ profile. One was to shut his mouth so falling asleep would be faster. The other was to say whatever came to mind to prolong the inevitable.
“Yuma sleeps super weird,” he said, licking his lips when Nicholas turned his head to look at him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, like a T. Makes sharing a bed really difficult.”
“So he’s the worse to sleep with? Or Taki, because of the cuddling?”
“Yudai’s the worst, actually. He does the same routine every time,” Euijoo says, trying to imitate his friend as best as possible. “First, he acts like he can’t possibly sleep with you, like, no, we’re too old, there’s not enough room, find someone else. Like it’s so inconvenient and it’ll make him cringe. So then when he wears himself down, because you don’t have to do anything, just let him go through the motions, he wiggles so much. He makes cooing noises and smooths out your hair and pets you and throws a leg over you then an arm then slips between your legs instead then rolls over you, then wants to be the big spoon, then the little, because, again, he absolutely doesn’t want to do this, but you just have to lie there until he’s worn himself out. Then, in the middle of the night—” Euijoo took a deep breath, his smile small as he thought of all the times Yudai was so large in his life. “You wake up sweating like crazy because he is clinging to you like you’re a weight he can’t drop. Like he’s carrying you across a river, and you’ll drown if he drops you. Like it’s the only time he’s ever gotten to hold you, so he’s going to make the most of it. It’s really, seriously the worst.”
“Sounds pretty amazing to me,” Nicholas actually said, Euijoo’s eyebrows rising. “To be loved like that.”
“I guess,” Euijoo said, though of course that’s what it was. Sighing, he closed his eyes for a moment and thought of all the hot nights Yudai had refused to let him go. Memories were strange because they brought senses back to you even once they were over. Euijoo could practically feel Yudai’s warmth now. Smiling a little, he opened his eyes to tell Nicholas how ridiculous that was, only to find Nicholas had rolled over, and the warmth Euijoo was feeling was from him. With the slightest movement, their knees knocked into each other, and Nicholas slung his arm around Euijoo’s waist like he had permission. Like he had a thousand times. Like he hadn’t just shown Euijoo how he normally sleeps.
“I’m a little afraid I’m about to fall off, so let me hold on for a bit,” he said as he closed his eyes. And Euijoo had options. Nicholas would listen to him. But Euijoo wasn’t technically doing the touching, so in his mind, there was no problem.
There was one problem.
The longer he laid there, the less tired he felt.
The more he stared at Nicholas’ lips.
The worse his leg started to ache.
“I need to take a pill,” he said suddenly, Nicholas’ hand dropping to the sheet as the guy’s eyes opened and followed him around the room. After, Nicholas opened his arm back up for him, and Euijoo folded like he hadn’t just tried to get away from his very touch two minutes ago.
“You don’t have to answer,” Nicholas said in the growing dark, “but do you take pills for—depression? Is that what’s—”
“Wrong with me?” Euijoo finished when Nicholas was clearly struggling.
“That’s not what I mean.”
“It’s okay. I don’t buy into that whole ‘there’s nothing wrong with you’ mindset. Everyone has problems. But no, I don’t take pills for depression. I just needed a pain pill right now.”
“I see,” Nicholas said, his gaze overwhelming across the limited space between them. “I wouldn’t judge you if you did.”
“Okay,” Euijoo said with a small sigh. “I’ll just say that my illness makes me depressed sometimes, and it makes me hate myself all the time, so that’s why I end up on my bathroom floor sometimes.”
“I see,” Nicholas said, the hand he had flung casually over Euijoo’s waist finding its place against Euijoo’s hip for a moment before it left. Before Euijoo realized what was happening, Nicholas had taken his hand and led it to his hair, dropped it there, and put his own hand on Euijoo’s thigh. Blinking at his own arm and the softness beneath his fingers, Euijoo started to pull his hand away until he noticed Nicholas’ eyes were closed. Not just closed but squinted shut. Confused, Euijoo withdrew his hand quickly, huffing when Nicholas reached for his hand and did the same process.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying,” Nicholas said with a tight jaw. “You wanted to touch, right?”
“Not if you don’t like it,” Euijoo said. “And your face is telling me you hate it.”
“I don’t hate it. Give me a second,” Nicholas said, and so, considering how long the day had been and how much Nicholas had seen he hadn’t signed up for, Euijoo waited. He felt Nicholas’ fingers on his thigh moving back and forth softly, so Euijoo started to mirror their movement on Nicholas’ head. Growing more confident, Euijoo even ran his fingers through Nicholas’ strands a few times until he noticed Nicholas sighing a little.
“It may seem stupid, especially in comparison, but it reminds me of my mom.”
“Oh,” Euijoo said, his brain working quickly to recall everything Nicholas had ever said about his family. He had just visited them. He had mentioned his mom had cooked. So she wasn’t dead. Relieved, Euijoo whispered back, “How so?”
“When I was a kid,” Nicholas mumbled, “she would put me to sleep by playing with my hair. I’m the baby of the family, remember. And as I got older, she naturally stopped. That’s just life, right? Growing up, we don’t need our blankies or imaginary friends or stuffed animal anymore or whatever. Only I—” Nicholas licked his lips and sucked in a breath that sounded enough like a hiss that Euijoo froze, only resuming when he felt Nicholas’ nails against his skin alternating between the sharp edges and smooth top.
“Sorry, I—” Nicholas said, and he didn’t have to say anything else. Euijoo understood, or his own thoughts were taking over. “This one time, after college, I came home just a mess. I just felt like I was failing over and over again, and she laid down next to me and just touched my hair, like, once, and I fell apart. It seems so stupid—”
“Stop,” Euijoo tsked. “It’s not stupid.”
“Compared to what you’re going through—”
“Stop that, too. I’m not allowed to do that. Yudai beat that out of me a long time ago. Okay,” Euijoo said when Nicholas opened his eyes and looked at him in concern, “not literally. Come on. Like I said, we all have our problems. Our struggles. I can’t get Yudai to tell me anything, which is why he’s so annoying sometimes. But that’s his thing. He’ll tell everyone to tell him everything because everything matters no matter how big or how small, but he’ll keep his own things to himself because to him they always seem smaller than everyone’s. That’s what’s stupid. Don’t do that. Okay? Don’t. Just tell me. This is hard, right?” Euijoo said, his fingers moving the hair out of Nicholas’ forehead that he felt like he had never even seen. He saw Nicholas’ jaw clench and felt his hand still on his thigh for a second before he nodded.
“I get it,” Euijoo said because he really did. When he had looked up to realize it was Nicholas squatting down in front of him in the bathroom hours ago, Euijoo had panicked initially. Not because he was embarrassed. But the vulnerability—having someone, and that someone being Nicholas, of all people, see him so fully now was way more—
Intimate than Euijoo had thought he wanted with the guy.
That’s what the night was, as his hand slowed in Nicholas’ hair when Nicholas’ slowed on his thigh, both of their bodies relaxing as tensions left with each shared story and mutual touch.
Euijoo had known that Nicholas was kind. Trustworthy. Hot beyond compare. But now Euijoo knew, beneath all that, Nicholas wanted what Euijoo wanted, and intimacy was scarier than any pair of bloodied scissors discarded on Euijoo’s bathroom floor.