Archive of Our Own

"What the hell have you done?"

Myung Jaehyun's a good cupid. A great cupid, actually, hence his position as No. 1 on the cupid leaderboards. He's usually No. 1.5, aka the unstable position where he goes back and forth between rank 1 and rank 2, but his most recent matchmaking has pushed him to a guaranteed No. 1. The most recent matchmaking in question? ..Well, that's a whole other story.

You see, Myung Jaehyun is a believer of love. You know, the whole premise of being a cupid, except some cupids (and he's not pointing fingers, but it's pretty obvious who he's talking about) would much rather rise in the cupid ranks than actually care for people's feelings. Those cupids stare at mission papers and only see two factors in their plans—not people, not lovers. Just things to manipulate.

Now, for 127 years, Jaehyun's gotten pretty lucky. All of the missions he's been assigned have been wonderfully love-driven, which means he gets to do what he loves with people who love each other. Obviously, this is a great thing up until you take into consideration Jaehyun's uncanny ability to get terribly attached to people.

Jaehyun's last mission before The Mission was one of his all-time favorites. Aside from his two matches practically being made for each other, the matches themselves—and the people surrounding them—were wonderfully kind. Sung Hanbin? A practical angel. (Or, at least, more of an angel than some cupids Jaehyun knew.) And Sung Hanbin's friends? A whole squad of angels. Like Park Gunwook, who could manhandle Jaehyun with ease (although that doesn't have much to do with the idea of him being as kind as an angel). Of course Jaehyun had fallen in love with them. Who wouldn't?

There was only one issue with getting attached to matches: Park Sungho, resident No. 2 cupid and Jaehyun's long-standing arch-nemesis-cupid-rival-whateveryoucancallit. Park Sungho was level-headed, straight-forward, and down-to-earth—practically everything Jaehyun wasn't (especially if you were to consider the former's tendency to work until he physically couldn't (Jaehyun, by contrast, was prone to slacking off; but in his defense, was it really slacking if it counted as establishing connections?)). In simpler words, it wasn't only that Jaehyun and Sungho didn't get along because they both wanted the rank 1 position (hell, Jaehyun could care less about the rank 1 position—he just likes to rub it in Sungho's face). They didn't get along because Sungho didn't believe in knowing matches and their feelings, while Jaehyun knew matches far too well and got far too attached.

So Park Sungho's an obstacle, to say the least. He's consistent with pulling Jaehyun away before he can really establish a grand connection. He's consistent with keeping Jaehyun on track with missions and not the people themselves. He's consistent with telling Jaehyun the cold, hard truth: You're a cupid. You can't love anyone, and you certainly can't stay.

Park Sungho's really just a stand-in for the bigger issue. The bigger issue is that Jaehyun is destined to always return to the heavens. It doesn't matter how much he loves a person or a group of people or the city he finds himself in or the stray dog sitting next to the store he works part-time at because working multiple jobs is the best way to blend in with new environments and maximize interaction with matches. Jaehyun can never stay. He'll go on and he'll never really forget about all of the people he met and he'll think about how he's made from memories of them. He'll stack ramen cups on top of each other and think about how Jungwon used to snap his chopsticks in half to fit them in. He'll tie his shoelaces and think about how Anton once taught him a tying method that he never really figured out. He'll laugh into his hand and think about how he learned the habit from days of watching Minju do the same.

Myung Jaehyun's a good cupid. And yet sometimes he thinks he's not quite built out for it—sometimes he thinks he doesn't want to miss people anymore, to be made with their memories and not their presence. But it's all bearable in the end, he supposes, because he's lived 127 years and it's been a so-so life of accepting that he'll be in one place for two, three, six months and then disappear just like that.

He thinks the worst part about it all—the part that truly makes it hard—is that he knows none of them remember him. When cupids finish matchmaking and leave the scene, the heavens do this funny thing called erasing any presence of them. Myung Jaehyun, Sion's classmate? Gone. Myung Jaehyun, Yeonjun's new hire? Gone. Myung Jaehyun, best friend of Sung Hanbin? Gone. Disappearing should be harder for the person he leaves, but the heavens make it pretty easy. Any memories of him turn into vague recollections where he's replaced by a change in circumstances or a closer friend or a stranger. Like he never existed at all.

Jaehyun's okay with that. (Well, not really.) It hurts for a while, but it's gotten easier in his 127 years. One gets used to it eventually. And, if he's being honest, it's kinda a fitting end—he's just making people happy and then they're left with the happiness and not the source.

The Mission is where that all changes. It's where his world flips upside down and suddenly he's not dealing with a love-driven mission and suddenly he's not okay with just following Sungho and suddenly he wants a different ending. He doesn't want to be forgotten. He wants to be remembered.

(There's this thing that his very first match told him: To be remembered is to be loved.)

Actually, Lee Sanghyuk is where that all changes. It's a little funny how quickly he went from just a typed, Lee Sanghyuk, Riwoo, on a mission paper to the boy who would easily rewrite everything he had ever learned to bear. It's a little funny how quickly Riwoo single-handedly reshapes Jaehyun into: I could live 127 years and I'd still want to cut my life down to this year, this moment, to here, by your side forever.

Only one issue. Or, well, multiple issues all converging into one. The Mission involves matchmaking Lee Sanghyuk, and Jaehyun is a little sorry to admit that the other match is not infact himself.

So maybe Jaehyun gets a little lost. Maybe he digresses and he maybe-sorta-kinda starts looking at other options that don't involve fulfilling The Mission. Maybe he has a few realizations about the person Riwoo's supposed to be matched with—a gorgeous alien-golden-retriever-boy who would much rather have a certain childhood friend of his instead of Riwoo—and comes up with a plan that's just a little meddlesome. Maybe does some gaslighting along the way so that someone can buy more time and take the fall for him. He might trick said pined-after childhood friend into collaborating with him with a little omitting of the fact that the latter's pining is actually very requited. He just might. But you couldn't ask him, because he'd never admit that he did.

He's actually been actively trying to pretend like he didn't, because it maybe-sorta-kinda turned into more of a mess than it should've. Which is totally his fault, but—well. It all turned out alright, because Kim Leehan and Han Taesan are happily in-love now and Jaehyun is No. 1 cupid. Just through unconventional means. Really unconventional means. And he might be in trouble. Well, the 'might' can go. He's definitely in trouble. That's why Park Sungho is cornering him in the bathroom of Riwoo's studio apartment right now.

Jaehyun fumbles for the counter-top. He accidentally knocks over a bottle of bleach while he's at it, laughing nervously as he then attempts to push it upright. Sungho slams a fist down onto his fingers before he can.

"Hey!" Jaehyun yelps. He's just about to whine that it hurts when he looks up and is met with the sight of Park Sungho livid. Genuinely livid. He looks like he might murder Jaehyun right now and tell the heavens, Sorry, but it was worth it. Whatever witty words Jaehyun had thought of die in his throat.

"Myung Jaehyun," bites Sungho. He presses down harder on Jaehyun's fingers, ignoring the resulting squeak. "What the hell have you done?"

Nothing much. You know, just gone around and played cupid for the couple that they were not supposed to matchmake and destroyed the one mission that would determine their fates and also thrown himself into a doomed love. The usual.

"Haha," Jaehyun says instead of, The usual, because he thinks he'd be left as a bathroom corpse if he were to say that. "Wow. Nice weather we're having. Have you ever thought about dyeing your hair? Bleach, haha. Bottle. That I should pick up."

"Jaehyun."

Jaehyun has no clue how to even start explaining. He was hoping that he could maybe-sorta-kinda escape Sungho by hiding out in Riwoo's apartment for the past few days. After he'd successfully shot an arrow through Taesan and Leehan (and witnessed a terribly dramatic kiss), he'd fled down the stairs and out the complex door and somehow found himself at Riwoo's place instead of dead in a ditch. Um, nothing, he'd replied when Riwoo had come back from his lecture and asked him what he was doing in his apartment. Riwoo had looked at him for a moment, squinted, and then set his bag down and pretended like Jaehyun had not just bombed his place with no forewarning (it was also overlooked that Jaehyun had never been given any sort of access to Riwoo's apartment) (thank the heavens Riwoo seemed to forget that fact; Jaehyun had broken in using cupid magic, which was definitely not explainable).

Since then, Jaehyun has been trying to pretend like he knows what he's doing. Spoiler alert: he really doesn't. In addition to escaping Park Sungho, the hiding-out was supposed to help him figure out what he should be doing. But Riwoo's face is a little… a little beautiful and Jaehyun gets distracted because the former looks awfully delighted when eating sweets and Jaehyun could just close his eyes and pretend like the uninvited stay at Riwoo's place was actually a sign that they were unofficial boyfriends (delusion is free, really). What Jaehyun's trying to say is that he hasn't gotten any plan-making done. The first step was supposed to be, Lock in and figure out how to inevitably explain things to Park Sungho. The first step never happened.

But it's happening now. Sort of. Jaehyun isn't locking in. "I can explain," he blurts. He cannot explain. There is no reasonable explanation. "There's just been this thing going on where I-" There's been this thing where he doesn't lock in and he doesn't explain and he doesn't know what he's doing.

"Oh, you don't need to explain." Sungho will probably kill him; he jabs his other hand's finger into Jaehyun's chest. "I can hear everything, Jaehyun. Thoughts included."

Awesome. Hi, Sungho! Maybe Jaehyun's strength of thinking things through is actually a flaw.

"Clearly you haven't been thinking things through," hisses Sungho. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Don't ask him; Jaehyun doesn't know what he's doing either. "I'm being serious right now. Do you even know the trouble you've gotten us into? The trouble you've gotten yourself into?"

Jaehyun does know. It came with the cupid manual; the part where it read DO NOT MATCHMAKE ANY COUPLES OUTSIDE OF THE ONES ASSIGNED IN MISSIONS in giant, bold red font. Punishable by exile from the heavens was written below it—and no, the font size was not small enough to justify 'not knowing'. So, yeah, Jaehyun knows. "I know- I just- well- Zico's not genuinely mad, is he?"

Sungho squeezes his eyes shut. He finally lifts his fist off of Jaehyun's fingers, but it doesn't seem to indicate that he's cooled off in any way. He brings his hand to his forehead and massages there like Jaehyun is the type of migraine they target in med advertisements. "I wouldn't know if Zico was mad, because I haven't been up to the heavens ever since you fucked everything up. I've been trying to figure out why none of my matchmaking was working, and then I've been trying to figure out where you are."

"Who told you where I was?" Jaehyun asks weakly.

"Riwoo."

Jaehyun curses under his breath. A few shortcomings in his not-plan. Whatever. Wasn't like anything was going his way anyway.

"Stop that," Sungho snaps. "This is not the time to be thinking of everything lightly, Jaehyun. This is serious. Really serious. You could be exiled."

Jaehyun can't remember the last time a cupid was exiled from the heavens. It's something that's not spoken of in the cupid community because nobody has ever dared to break the cupid-manual-rules. And the exiles that do happen—they happen in secret. They happen and news only spreads in whispers and rumors that Jaehyun had never really cared for. The story changes every time it's told. Sometimes it's that the cupid is executed on the spot. Sometimes it's that the cupid is left to rot on Earth. Sometimes it's that the cupid is thrown into cupid-hell. Jaehyun doesn't think he wants to find out which one is true.

"I know," he whispers. He curls his hand up until his nails dig into his palm. A few thoughts run through his mind, stranded and out-of-order and unhelpful, several of which pertain to Riwoo, who he should decidedly not be thinking about if he wants to focus. "I know I haven't thought this through, okay?"

Sungho snorts. "That's an understatement. You didn't think this through at all. And yet you had a month to go through with it and you did."

"It wasn't-" Jaehyun huffs. "It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. It was just supposed to be-"

"What, a game? A little something to spice up your 127th year? Real funny of you, Jaehyun."

Yeah, right. As if Jaehyun's consistent heartache can be considered a game. The only game it comes remotely close to is Russian roulette, given that he's always two plays away from shooting himself in the head. Jaehyun has been walking on a tightrope ever since a month ago, ever since he impulsively (yes, impulsively, he knows he was impulsive; he's not unaware, he's just regretful) dragged too many people into his own mess. He fixed a little bit of it with the matchmaking of Leehan and Taesan, but that also created another handful of problems, none of which he had actually thought to solve.

Of course he doesn't know what he's doing. How can anyone? And for once, it feels unfair—isn't love supposed to be something you act recklessly for? How is it that Jaehyun has always cleaned up the messes of matches before him, but now, when he dares to be just a little selfish-

"Cupids aren't made to be selfish. Cleaning up messes is your job."

How come the term, Never be selfish, was never written in the cupid manual? And for his feelings to be so tangible—why hadn't the heavens thought to rid every cupid of feeling if they were to make unspoken rules like, Never be selfish? Why does it feel as though he's the model cupid in every way and yet not a cupid at all?

"It was serious for me," Jaehyun whispers. "It's always been serious for me. Not some sort of game."

Sungho snorts. "Everything's always serious for you."

The funniest thing is that used to be a strength. Jaehyun's not so sure anymore. He opens his mouth, then closes it. There's nothing he can think to say aside from, I cared. I cared and I care and I have always cared for everyone I come across so is it that I'm not meant to be a cupid or that every cupid is meant to be me? "I'm sorry."

Sungho hardens his gaze. "The heavens don't make room for being sorry. They make room for being better." Then, before Jaehyun can beat himself up over that too, Sungho breathes long and hard out of his mouth as if composing himself. He says, "I'll do everything I can. You have three days."

Jaehyun snaps to attention at the words. "Three days?" he blurts incredulously, but Sungho has already disappeared from his sight. With a pile of rose petals left in his place, there's no doubt that he's just returned to the heavens. Which is Park Sungho's very eloquent way of saying: The clock's ticking.

Jaehyun'll put it this way instead: he needs to lock the fuck in.

If Jaehyun's being honest, he must've hit his head when he'd been flying down to Earth for The Mission. He's not actually dumb, nor is he clueless, nor is he someone who's ever been adamant about breaking tradition. He has been living by the unspoken, unwritten cupid rules for as long as he can remember. He knows all of them by heart: Always refrain from implying that you're a new arrival in the city, Always stay hidden during the matchmaking process, Always make your escape after shooting the love-arrow, so on, so forth. He's rank 1 cupid for a reason. So he must have hit his head, because he didn't just break his long-standing streak of following the rules; no, he broke the most important unspoken cupid rule of all, aka, Never be selfish.

There's a knock from outside the door. Jaehyun, staring blankly at the wall in front of him, hums in acknowledgement. The person outside takes it as a sign to enter; when the door clicks open, Jaehyun looks up and finds Riwoo standing above him.

No, Jaehyun didn't hit his head. He just met Lee Sanghyuk. That's why he decided to break the most important unspoken cupid rule of all time.

Riwoo blinks at him. "Why are there rose petals on the floor?"

Jaehyun glances at the rose petals in question. It's been around an hour since Sungho disappeared to the heavens, and Jaehyun has neither locked in nor risen from his place after sliding down to the bathroom floor. "Counters the bathroom aroma."

"You're saying nonsense again." Riwoo picks at a hair strand on top of Jaehyun's head. "How long have you been in here?"

Long enough. Not that it matters—he's mostly just been rethinking his life decisions. To be specific, he's been considering whether cupid suicide would be better than cupid exile. "Not long. I think I left my mind in your bathroom."

"So you came back to reclaim it? Funny." Riwoo lifts his hand off. "I brought food. Come eat."

"Not hungry," Jaehyun replies. He's really not. He might throw up if he eats anything. Is eating an unspoken cupid rule too? Do cupids actually need to eat? Is it a blending in with humans thing? Or is Jaehyun still a fucked-up-half-cupid-half-whatever he'd thought he was an hour ago? He's a little hungry now. "Why'd you tell Sungho I was here?"

"Why not?" Riwoo crouches down beside him. Jaehyun tries to avert his gaze. He can't have Riwoo's beautiful face affecting his life decisions. Enough of that has happened already. "It's just Sungho."

Jaehyun doesn't respond to that. It's a difficult feeling to be confronted with the very thing that he'd avoided for ages now. No, not just Sungho. He's moreso talking about his suppressed feelings of eternal loneliness. You know, alienation from both cupids and humans. The concept that he's neither human-like nor cupid-like in the ways that matter. You're like the bad parts of both, Rui had once told him when he'd asked her whether he was more like a cat or dog. Jaehyun's thinking that maybe Rui had been talking about cupids and humans instead of cats and dogs.

Riwoo doesn't say anything more. He doesn't push for Jaehyun to follow him out of the bathroom or to eat because it'll make him feel better or to respond when someone talks to him. He shifts into a more comfortable position, knees folded underneath him, and he stays like that: sitting on the bathroom floor next to Jaehyun, watching his face softly like he's waiting for something that'll never come.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" he says after a long time.

Jaehyun tries not to cry. He knows. It just makes things even harder.

There's this sentence that has been haunting Jaehyun lately. It's a small sentence in even smaller font that had first been found underneath the name of the love of Jaehyun's life. It reads: No interest in love.

Jaehyun has a lot of questions about that. He had a lot of questions about that back when he'd first read it. The first being: Okay, how am I supposed to matchmake a guy who has no interest in love? The second was: Pssh, no interest in love? Piece of cake. Watch me do my cupid work. Which is a little funny given that he very quickly lost interest in convincing himself that he could make that happen.

The day Jaehyun met Riwoo, Park Sungho had pulled him aside right outside of the third boba shop he worked for and aggressively whispered, "Why were you gawking at him?"

The simple answer Jaehyun had given was: "Because he's beautiful."

And Riwoo is. He's the most beautiful boy Jaehyun has ever met in his entire life, and that's saying a lot for how long Jaehyun's lived. But it'd been kind of funny then, more of a joke than anything; he'd said to Sungho's incredulous expression, "What? I'm just being honest. It's not like I'm going to fall in love with him or anything."

Well, here he is. In love with Riwoo or something. Risking his cupid position and potentially his life for Riwoo. Acting rashly for Riwoo. What has he not done for Riwoo?

Kindness isn't a foreign concept to Jaehyun—not in the slightest. Riwoo isn't the first person to be kind to Jaehyun (to be fair, it would say more about Jaehyun if he was), and he won't be the last. But it's not that Riwoo's the first or the only—it's that Riwoo is kind in a way others aren't. And that scares Jaehyun, just a little. Mostly, it just makes him fall harder.

If it's not obvious enough, falling in love was not on Jaehyun's agenda for a rank-up mission. But a day after they had met for the first time, Sungho had sent Jaehyun out to establish connection with Riwoo, and Jaehyun had yawned, set out on the college campus, and turned the doorknob of a room Sungho had directed him to. He was met with the sight of Riwoo dancing to BTS' Idol and half a heart attack, because up until then he had not been under the impression that Riwoo was the type to spend his weekends sweating in a dance studio. He'd stood by the door and watched raptly for a while, captivated until Riwoo noticed he was there and slowed to a stop.

"Oh," Riwoo had said. His cheeks were flushed, half with embarrassment and half with effort. "Hey."

"Hey," Jaehyun had replied, half-breathless. "You're amazing." And he'd found himself meaning it.

Riwoo wasn't like Jaehyun. That much was obvious even before they had sat down on the glazed floorboards of the studio (which had taken some half-forceful persuasion, because Riwoo looked like he wanted to escape at any given moment). They weren't similar in any way—aside from both being BTS fans, maybe—so Jaehyun had refreshed his memory's file of Riwoo into: No interest in love, beautiful, talented, and someone who would never get close with Myung Jaehyun.

"You seem really kind," Jaehyun had blurted without prompt when there'd been a lapse in their BTS-conversation. "Has anyone ever told you that?"

Riwoo had looked startled, almost as if Jaehyun's words were more of an insult than a compliment. "…No."

"Oh." Jaehyun didn't particularly know how to take back what he'd said and remove the awkward energy from the air. "Then I guess I'm the first. I thought—well, I figured someone had told you that before. Someone close to you."

"I'm not dating anyone."

Jaehyun wasn't even aware his words had implied any sort of dating. "I wasn't trying to imply that."

"Oh."

A half-hearted attempt to salvage the situation: "I guess I just get this feeling about people sometimes."

"Really?" Riwoo looked at him, eyes glinting with something indecipherable. "So that's your feeling about me? That I'm kind?"

"Yeah," Jaehyun replied. He had no clue where this conversation was going. He had no clue why his heart was beating so fast. "Are you going to prove me wrong?" When Riwoo shrugged in response, Jaehyun had grown a little bold; he'd asked, "What about me?"

"Hm?"

"What's your feeling about me?"

Riwoo didn't ask, What if I don't get feelings about people? He didn't ask, What's it to you? He'd hummed, steered his gaze toward the ceiling, then said, "You're lovable."

From then on, Jaehyun had sworn to himself: if there was one thing he wanted to be, it was someone who could be loved by Lee Sanghyuk.

"Very dramatic," Han Taesan says now. Jaehyun tries not to wince.

Jaehyun had also sworn to himself that he'd never interfere with Taesan's and Leehan's lives ever again after matchmaking them (he'd caused enough trouble as is). In his defense, he wasn't the one who initiated contact. After approximately 24 hours of rethinking his life decisions and getting nowhere with that, another uninvited visitor had shown up at his door (well, Riwoo's door). Fortunately, it hadn't been Sungho. Unfortunately, it'd been Taesan, who demanded answers and refused to leave without them. ("I figured you didn't cross the bridges you said you'd cross after matchmaking Leehan and I," Taesan had said when he'd forced his way into Riwoo's apartment. "And Leehan's been bugging me about thanking you. So here I am. Bridge builder. Tell me everything." And who was Jaehyun to say no?)

"That's it," Jaehyun sighs. He leans his head on his hands and pretends like he isn't thinking about throwing himself off of the building's twelfth floor. "Your answers, as you so humbly requested. How's your boyfriend been?"

"Great, no thanks to you," deadpans Taesan. "This feels significantly different from all the other times you'd ever ranted to me about how much you wanted Riwoo."

Yeah, because Jaehyun's caught between 1) not getting exiled from the heavens and 2) being haunted by the term, Not interested in romance. "Reality's hitting. I should've listened to you that first time."

Taesan furrows his eyebrows. "What first time?"

"You know, the time you told me nothing was ever going to work out because Riwoo wasn't interested in romance?" Jaehyun gestures vaguely. "I mean, things did work out. Sort of. For you, at least. That's what matters."

"Hyung."

This is so odd. Jaehyun isn't supposed to be getting self-deprecative. He's supposed to be locking in and figuring out how to figure out everything in three days (two days now, because he spent the entirety of the last one beating himself up). He needs to get started on step one. If he remembers correctly, his agonizing yesterday had at least figured that out. Step one: become Lee Riwoo's boyfriend.

…So maybe that's why he hasn't gotten started. "Haha. Wow. I'm realizing how much I doomed myself right now."

"Hyung," Taesan repeats, his expression pinched. "You haven't told me everything, have you?"

No, Jaehyun hasn't. The truth is, he's haunted not because he knows Not interested in romance is true, but rather because he's not sure if it's true. Because he's not sure if he's an exception to Riwoo like Riwoo is an exception to him. You have a special kind of warmth, he'd once told Riwoo, and Riwoo had just smiled. He hadn't said, You, too. He hadn't said, You're lovable to me, too.

Riwoo does this funny thing called loving Jaehyun that isn't at all similar to loving Jaehyun. He brings home food when he knows Jaehyun hasn't eaten. He calls at the right times when he knows Jaehyun is overwhelmed. He sits and he waits like he doesn't mind waiting—like he could wait forever as long as he was waiting for Jaehyun.

Example: on the first night Jaehyun had bombed Riwoo's apartment uninvited, Riwoo hadn't made any move to kick him out of his bedroom when it'd gotten late. They had watched one movie together, then two, then Riwoo had changed into his fancy PJs and Jaehyun had silently made for the door until Riwoo said, "Where are you going? Aren't you sleeping here?"

What? No. Example questions that followed: Why would Jaehyun share a bed with Riwoo if they weren't dating? Was that a normal thing? Did people typically do that for others? Was it a sign that Riwoo had no interest in romance or was it a sign that he wanted Jaehyun? Or was it a homie thing? Had Leehan shared a bed with Riwoo before? Had Sungho? What if Jaehyun was overthinking it and Riwoo meant it in a whatever way? Or what if Jaehyun was an exception? Or was that too delusional? And, the cherry on top: why weren't situations like those not written in the cupid manual?

That night, lying next to Riwoo, who'd let him curl his hand underneath his stomach (was that considered cuddling, or did homies hug each other to sleep all the time, or was it even a hug—honestly, how much contact was necessary for a hug to be considered a hug?), Jaehyun had struggled to come up with an adequate answer. He settled on: Riwoo is just kind. Kind to people in a way that made him special. Kind to people with attentiveness, with care, with acknowledgment and everything sweet. Kind to people who didn't know he was kind; kind to people who didn't deserve his kindness; kind to someone like Jaehyun, who has always gotten too attached too easily.

There is no exception in Riwoo's book. He is kind to the point where nobody could mean more. Nobody could mean less. Nobody could be—worth it. Someone could take Jaehyun's place and Riwoo would still be kind to them in the same way; would still hold them close and share sweets with them and listen to secrets and troubles with the same care. Would still wait for them to talk. To open up. To be honest. Riwoo is so kind that he seeks to understand—and Jaehyun, who has maybe been everything but honest to Riwoo, just receives the brunt end of that, the extra push. And so he falls head-over-heels in love with Riwoo's attempt to understand him. That's so pathetic. That's so foolish. Has anyone ever been as dumb as him? Has any match ever mistook an act of kindness for an act of love?

Jaehyun doesn't think he's ever believed that Riwoo could really love him back. Maybe that's just Riwoo's trick: making someone fall in love with him and half-loving them back. Just half-loving. Just to the line, and then he stops, and Jaehyun trips over and into delusion and into a love that causes messes and arguments and exiles him from the heavens.

And yet, still—still, Jaehyun wants. Still, he wants to be Riwoo's. Like a fool.

"I've told you enough," Jaehyun finishes lamely. His heart hurts, suddenly. Maybe being sentenced to cupid-purgatory isn't all that bad. It's less mortifying than admitting to himself that he'd always been half-loved. "Well, it's whatever. Two days will pass by and I'll be exiled from the heavens. Better than being murdered by Park Sungho, I guess."

"That's so pathetic," Taesan says, exasperated. "You can't be serious."

Like Taesan can be talking. He thinks he's the shit now that he got himself a boyfriend. As if he hadn't been agonizing over said boyfriend for years. Jaehyun should be receiving thanks, not 'that's so pathetic's. If anything, Taesan is the pathetic one out of the two of them. "Don't talk to your hyung like that."

"I'll talk to my hyung however I like if my hyung is going to keep acting like this." Taesan crosses his arms. "What's the issue here? Step one seems simple enough. Get together with him."

"Not happening," replies Jaehyun weakly. "Step one can't happen. Neither can step two, which is supposedly staying together with him. Neither can step three, which is getting this done in the next two days. I just—can't."

"Come on, Hyung."

"I'm serious." Jaehyun is locking in on giving up. He's thinking of crying on Riwoo's bed until Riwoo eventually comes home, finds him crying, and sits by the bedside as if waiting for him to explain. (He'll never explain, unfortunately; Riwoo will stay waiting forever.) "I've worked it out in my head. I've connected the dots. All I needed was a little wake-up call. I'm so locked. I've never been more locked. Sanghyuk is not in love with me. Sanghyuk is not in love with me. Sanghyuk is not in love with me." He presses two fingers to the side of his head. "Okay, I'm ridding myself of psychosis. Sanghyuk will not fall in love with me. Sanghyuk will not fall in love with me. Sanghyuk will not fall in love with me."

"Hyung, you're going insane." Taesan pries one of his fingers off. "What is wrong with you?"

Jaehyun sighs again. Yeah. He's not sure. He probably hit his head somewhere on his way down for The Mission. The ridding of psychosis is only half-working—he's convinced Riwoo won't fall in love with him, but he hasn't quite convinced himself to give up on that. He still wants to feel Riwoo's kindness. He still wants to pretend that it's love. (Boo. He needs to get a grip.) "Just… thinking. About things. About myself. About Sanghyuk."

Taesan gives him a really strange look. "I think you just need to be honest with him, Hyung."

Hey, in some alternate universe, Riwoo's kindness is love.

But Jaehyun's not even sure if he wants to live in a universe like that, because wouldn't that mean Riwoo would be in love with everyone because he's kind to everyone? Given the circumstances, Jaehyun's not sure which situation is more ideal now.

"You can't be serious," Taesan had said. "Hyung, when I'd been going through it, I was totally convinced that you had a better shot than me. Shouldn't that say enough? He loves you, one-hundred-percent."

A little notification had went off in Jaehyun's head. It read: NEVER TRUST TAESAN'S INSTINCTS, which was fair because Taesan's instincts had led him into thinking a man very much in love with him was not in love with him. So the final verdict is: Well, Taesan's wrong. Riwoo doesn't love Jaehyun. If he did, he'd love everyone else he'd ever been kind to.

"You must be deluded," Taesan had said. "He doesn't treat anyone else like he treats you. Open your eyes."

Which is not true. Riwoo is kind to everyone. He's a good person. He's not selfish, nor greedy, nor the type to break tradition or unspoken rules or rush into things carelessly. Which leads to another great point that Jaehyun had so eloquently explained to Taesan: "Well, even if he wanted me—which wouldn't happen—I don't think I'd be worth it."

"Worth what?"

"The trouble." Jaehyun had pulled his lips into a thin smile. "I'm just a cupid in a very bad situation. I can't pull him into this."

"That's the dumbest reasoning I've ever heard."

It's not dumb. Putting aside the fact that he violated a very real and written cupid rule of, DO NOT MATCHMAKE ANY COUPLES OUTSIDE OF THE ONES ASSIGNED IN MISSIONS, Jaehyun has developed a glutton instinct over the course of 127 years. He's not sure he'd be able to let Riwoo go if he had him. (He's already been greedy in that way. Refer to example The Mission (gone wrong).) But Riwoo can't be kind to only him. Riwoo can't be stuck with him. Riwoo should be out there basking in the spotlight he deserves, showering the rest of the world with his kindness so that everyone can feel just as loved as Jaehyun. (It would be so selfish of Jaehyun to be the thing that prevents that from happening. And yet he still wants Riwoo to himself.) Riwoo needs someone who can give him that—not someone who'll tie him down with bouts of love fermented over a century. Jaehyun would just be… too much. Abnormal. Overwhelming. Other such adjectives that he really doesn't have the time to think of.

He rests his chopsticks on the edge of the bowl and thinks about that for a moment. Being too much. Being a responsibility. Being a burden. Maybe playing cupid isn't such a bad thing—people forget about cupids; there's no such thing as a cupid being a burden. Hasn't Jaehyun already set Riwoo's life off-course by not matchmaking him and Leehan anyway? Seems like there's lots of things to think about.

"You're thinking too loud again," Riwoo says simply from across the table. "Eat before the food gets cold."

"Sorry," Jaehyun replies quietly, but he's sort of lost his appetite and Riwoo's words make him feel even more like a burden. "Hey, you know if you don't want me here, I can go, right?"

Riwoo pauses in his chewing. He tilts his head. "Yeah. I would've kicked you out a long time ago if I wanted you gone."

"Okay." Jaehyun swallows. Riwoo is capable. Who does Jaehyun think he is? He's not some saint for exclaiming, I'm okay with any boundaries you set! like he's worth that much trouble. "Right. Okay."

Riwoo doesn't continue eating. Jaehyun feels his gaze on him, warm and prying. "…Do you want to go?"

"Um," Jaehyun says smartly. "No." Well. "I mean, not unless you want me to." He's doing it again. Lord. "Not implying that you've been tolerating me for a while." And now that's egotistical. "I'll probably go eventually." In two days. A day and a half now. And 'go' is a funny way to spell 'you'll forget me'. "After all, I kinda came without warning." Probably the only good sentence coming out of his mouth.

"Sure." Riwoo taps his chopsticks against the bowl. "But I don't mind."

"Huh?"

"I don't mind you being here," he clarifies, lifting his head to meet Jaehyun's gaze. "So don't worry about it."

Jaehyun wants to cry again. The ideal situation is now looking like getting exiled from the heavens and disappearing from Riwoo's memory. Will the days he spent in Riwoo's apartment become empty times that Riwoo can no longer recall? Will the spare toothbrush he used in Riwoo's bathroom become a oddity when Riwoo can't remember why he ever had it out? "Haha," Jaehyun murmurs weakly. "You're too kind to me."

Riwoo looks at him funny. "You know, I don't like it when you say that."

"What, that you're too kind to me?"

"Yeah." Riwoo frowns. "It's like you don't think you deserve it."

Well. "Well," starts Jaehyun.

Riwoo frowns even harder. "I don't treat people a certain way if I don't think they deserve it. I'm kind to you for a reason."

What's the reason? In the two-seating table space between them, Jaehyun's hope spells: Because Myung Jaehyun is lovable.

Maybe it's that he and Riwoo are destined to be two linear lines with different slopes, always traveling forward and never with each other. On the graph lies one point where they intersect—these blissful weeks that have passed—and then they never meet again.

…Anyway, this is all Jaehyun's fault. He's holding Riwoo again, the latter's steady breaths echoing through the dark room, and he's not sure what he's going to do about the fact that he'll lose him in less than two days. Is life just going to keep going? That feels odd. Like Riwoo single-handedly stopped Jaehyun's world from spinning and now he's going to leave and everything will start spinning again.

Jaehyun squeezes his eyes shut. The dangers of misinterpretation, he supposes. Maybe if he'd locked in a little earlier and realized that he wasn't special, he wouldn't be here. Well, no—in reality, he'd probably be here anyway. Because it's not the idea of being special or loved by Riwoo that has him head-over-heels. It's Riwoo himself. It's that Jaehyun could draw a hundred different lines and he'd still be bound to intersect with Riwoo's life at least once—and he'd still cherish those moments of intersection for as long as possible. He holds Riwoo tighter now, heart aching.

I think you just need to be honest with him, Hyung, Taesan had said, and Jaehyun knows he had been referring to something but at this point he could've been referring to anything. Was Jaehyun supposed to be honest about the fact that he was a cupid? That he would completely disappear in a handful of hours? That he had sabotaged his whole life and career for love? Or was he supposed to be honest about the fact that he loved Riwoo? That he couldn't contain it and that scared him? That he knew Riwoo didn't love him back and yet he still selfishly wanted more? Or, the most dreaded thing: was he supposed to explain that he would throw everything away if it meant he could have him?

"Oh my God," Jaehyun whispers into the silhouette of Riwoo. "Oh my God." He's panicking. He has two days. He has less than two days. He practically only has one. What the hell is he supposed to do? "Okay. Fuck." He could just—not. He could just disappear as intended, get exiled, and hug the memory of Riwoo in his arms forever. "Fuck. What am I doing?" It's like the tree of possibilities he'd once been taught in cupid training.

Branch one: he does nothing. Riwoo forgets about him and Jaehyun is haunted by the ghost of him for the rest of his life.

Branch two: he does something. He says something honest. He listens to Taesan.

Branch one of branch two: Riwoo does not have any interest in romance and Jaehyun has never been special and Jaehyun disappears and remembers how the love of his life had still managed to look so kind when rejecting him.

Branch two of branch two: Riwoo miraculously thinks of Jaehyun as more than just something unsolvable and Jaehyun's unrequited love miraculously becomes requited.

Branch one of branch two of branch two: Jaehyun will be nothing but a burden and so he says to Riwoo, Haha, I was joking, and disappears and remembers how he is nothing but a cause for concern.

Branch two of branch two of branch two: Jaehyun learns how to trust someone and says to Riwoo, Okay, can I kiss you?

Branch one of branch two of branch two of branch two: Jaehyun does not know how to cross the bridges he said he'd cross, so he's exiled and promptly loses the love of his life right after having him.

Branch two of branch two of branch two of branch two: Jaehyun learns to forgive himself.

Jaehyun's going to chop down the tree of possibilities. He can't do this. He needs to get up and get a breath of fresh air or disappear into a puddle of petals and beg Sungho to execute him on the spot. Suddenly his skin burns where it makes contact with Riwoo's.

He's only ever argued with Riwoo once, and it wasn't really an argument. It was because Taesan (though Taesan isn't to blame, as he isn't to blame for any of this, as Jaehyun had dragged him into this mess in the first place) had interrupted a Something between them (a Something of strange eye contact and close proximity; a something that Jaehyun can't classify; a Something that might've turned into an honesty if Taesan hadn't broken it), and it wasn't really an argument because Jaehyun had chased after Riwoo the moment Riwoo had gotten up to leave. As soon as he had caught up, Riwoo had turned around with a softer expression and said, "I'm sorry."

For what? Jaehyun had wanted to ask, heart stuck in his throat. Was there Something to be sorry about? Was there Something to mourn? Instead, he'd said, "I'm sorry too."

They'd stood in silence like that for a while. Finally, Riwoo had continued, "It seems like you don't tell me a lot."

Jaehyun couldn't say anything in reply. They pretended to go back to normal after that not-argument, but Jaehyun could tell something was different. They were different. Riwoo was tired of waiting for him to be honest. Riwoo was tired of waiting for him.

It seems like in every branch—in every road Jaehyun takes—he's selfish in some way. Selfish in that he had wanted Riwoo's kindness for himself. Selfish in that he wanted to believe he could have Riwoo. Selfish in that he had forced Riwoo to wait for him throughout it all—an attempt to protect him that had only tired him out. A sudden, unnerving thought strikes Jaehyun: that maybe being a cupid—no, being human—is just being selfish. That maybe the only thing he needs to do is learn to forgive himself for being selfish.

"Sanghyuk?" he whispers, and the feeling he just gets about people tingles. Something in him replies that Riwoo is awake. Has been awake. "Can you hear me?"

It's silent for several beats. Then Riwoo shifts in his arms and says, "Yeah."

There's the vision of the tree in Jaehyun's head. He could grow one branch or he could grow another. He could lie or he could be honest. He could disappear or he could give Riwoo what he deserves for waiting. In the silence, Jaehyun takes a leap.

"I don't know what I'm doing," he breathes. "I don't know what to do."

Riwoo curls his fingers around Jaehyun's wrist, which rests gently against the plane of his stomach. "What do you want to do, jagiya?"

Jaehyun's stomach lurches. "Will you hate me if I'm honest?"

Riwoo shifts until he faces Jaehyun. He rubs a circle into Jaehyun's skin and replies easily, "I couldn't hate you even if I tried."

Hyung, have you ever considered, Taesan had said from his place by the doorway, three seconds away from leaving at Jaehyun's request, that kindness is love? That everything unsaid is a stand-in for everything that he has ever wanted?

Jaehyun closes his eyes now; tries to hear what's unsaid in Riwoo's sentence; tries to think of this kindness as a form of love; and suddenly it all starts to make sense. Suddenly he can't remember why he ever thought he knew Riwoo. It seems like he hasn't known Riwoo all this time.

His second ever match had said to him: You don't know someone unless you let yourself be known.

"I want to love you," Jaehyun blurts before he can stop himself.

Riwoo blinks. He says, "Well," and it sounds like he's not surprised.

"I'm a cupid," Jaehyun blurts too. "And I was assigned to matchmake you and Leehan. But I fell in love with you, and Taesan loved Leehan, so I-"

"-Didn't tell Taesan Leehan was in love with him and dragged him into collaborating with you. You worked to matchmake them while you pushed Leehan and I apart and fit yourself in beside me. You pissed off Park Sungho in some way throughout the process of this, probably because you broke some cupid rule, so now you're hiding in my apartment. I know."

Jaehyun's heart drops. "What?"

"I know," Riwoo repeats. "I've known for a while now. It's not hard to connect the dots. And you and Taesan aren't particularly secretive. I heard things. I watched things. I knew."

This was not apart of Jaehyun's not-plan. Not at all. He was not thinking of a branch three of branch two. "But you don't believe in cupids," Jaehyun protests, and it sounds true even out of his own mouth. For a moment, he's convinced he does know Riwoo, and Riwoo has never known more than he's told Jaehyun.

"It's not hard to start," answers Riwoo. "I always knew something was off. I knew something was off ever since the moment Sungho pulled you aside outside of the third boba shop you worked for. You know me so well. Shouldn't you know how much I notice too?"

Of course Jaehyun knows how much Riwoo notices. He knows because he's been a recipient of this attention more than a handful of times. He knows because Riwoo has memorized Jaehyun's work schedule. He knows because Riwoo can recite Jaehyun's extensively-complicated coffee requests, number of sugar spoonfuls included. He knows because Riwoo alternates between placing Jaehyun's chopsticks to the left and right of his bowl, as if testing his ambidexterity. But Jaehyun had never thought he had been worth it. No—he never thought he would have been caught like this, red-handed and bare-faced.

Something about it slaps him in the face. The Something is the realization that Jaehyun has been overtly anxious for no reason. How could he be scared about hiding himself if he was never capable of hiding himself from Riwoo in the first place?

(If anything, he's lacking. How could he not know Riwoo—not know that he knew this, not know that his love was kindness, not know what he meant in unsaid words—if Riwoo knew him?)

"You know me so well," Jaehyun whispers. His heartbeat rings in his ears. He wonders, briefly, if he's undeserving of love because he'd been ignorant and plain stupid. "Why do you know me so well?"

Riwoo laughs a little like it's a silly question. "Because I care for you."

There is this thing Jaehyun is realizing in slow, steady increments. It's the idea that caring, knowing, noticing are all forms of kindness, and it's that he'd only thought of kindness in a stranger way. A special kind of warmth, he'd once said, and he now knows why it had been special, why it hadn't been the same kindness Jaehyun had felt so many times before.

Riwoo's kindness is a form of love. A specific love. A particular kind. The kind where he leaves things unsaid because he hopes that Jaehyun will pick up on them. The kind where he notices over and over again simply because he's always watching Jaehyun. The kind where he knows but never says because he wants Jaehyun to find the courage to say it himself. And Jaehyun, speaking selfishly, could say that Riwoo only holds this love for him.

Jaehyun breathes, "Can you say it?"

"Say what?" asks Riwoo, even though Jaehyun is sure he knows exactly what he means. "What do you want me to say, jagiya?"

"That you love me." Jaehyun squeezes him closer. "That you care for me because you love me."

"I love you," Riwoo says. As if it's the easiest thing in the world. As if all Jaehyun had to do was ask. As if the words don't lie on a distant branch of a branch of a branch but rather the tree trunk itself. As if it's a fundamental truth of Riwoo's character. As if, no matter what, Jaehyun can look to his side and find Riwoo beside him on every selfish path he takes.

What do you want to do, jagiya?

For starters, Jaehyun would like to love Riwoo. But that's easy because he's always loved Riwoo, seemingly even before they met (he's come up with a new theory recently: he was born with too much love for the people around him because the heavens knew he'd one day find someone who could take all that love and more). He'd also like to kiss Riwoo. But that happened a few times in the darkness of Riwoo's room and a few times the morning after (Jaehyun had to make sure he hadn't been dreaming). Right now, though? He'd like to say that the thing he wants to do most is stay with Riwoo.

"Tell me everything," Riwoo murmurs against his lips in the bathroom, seemingly uncaring of the toothpaste smudged between them.

What has Jaehyun ever not done for Riwoo? He spills all his secrets, unrestrained honesty because he knows this is the selfishness Riwoo indulges in. He talks about Park Sungho, about his three-day-deadline, about the dreaded cupid rules and the exile and everything that he could possibly be. Riwoo holds his shoulders and hums when appropriate and tells him when he's getting off-track with the story. After he finishes a breathy explanation of Taesan's involvement, Jaehyun pauses and says, "Should I have not said so much?"

"No," Riwoo replies. "I'll listen to whatever you have to say."

Jaehyun rubs his arm. "You're too kind to me."

"I told you, I don't like it when you say that."

Jaehyun knows what he really means to say: A person whom I love is a person deserving of my kindness. Instead of pushing Riwoo to say so, he asks, "Why didn't you tell me that you knew I was a cupid?"

Riwoo hesitates for a brief moment. "Would it be bad to say that I wanted to know how far you'd go before you were actually honest with me?" When Jaehyun gives him an odd look, he laughs. "That's only half the reason. I didn't want to push you into admitting something you didn't want to admit. I'm okay with waiting forever. As long as it's waiting for you."

Wow. Jaehyun might end his life. "I'm submitting a resignation form."

Riwoo blinks, startled. "What?"

"I'm submitting a resignation form," repeats Jaehyun. Suddenly, the words sound a little too true to his heart. "Wait, I'm submitting a resignation form. Why shouldn't I? What am I doing? I don't want to be a cupid. I can't be exiled if I'm not a cupid. Why am I still a cupid? Why didn't I think of this sooner?"

Riwoo opens his mouth, then closes it. He wipes away some toothpaste sticking to the corner of Jaehyun's bottom lip. "Isn't there some rule about resignations?"

"Resigned cupids can no longer enter the heavens," Jaehyun recites from pure memory. He'd passed the cupid manual test with flying colors—it seems like he still vividly remembers each and every answer. "Resigned cupids will have no memory of their position, and all previous cupid-interactions will be erased from the brain. Resigned cupids will revert to physical age when left on Earth. Um… hm. There's one more, I swear. I think it's, Existing cupids are not allowed to interact with any resigned cupids."

Riwoo's expression grows complicated. "So you'd lose all of your cupid memories. How long have you lived?"

"127 years."

"Jaehyun."

"No, I don't care." Jaehyun shakes his head. "I'd throw it all away in a heartbeat if it meant that I could stay with you."

"I'm not worth that much," mutters Riwoo. "Not worth 127 years of your life."

"I could say the same," Jaehyun says, and he really could. "It would be selfish of me to want to be your only love."

"But it'd be selfish of me to keep you here at the cost of everything."

"You are my everything," Jaehyun whispers. He leans in to kiss Riwoo again, soft and chaste because Riwoo barely moves to reciprocate. "You are worth everything and more. If it's selfish to do anything, then we can be selfish together."

"Two wrongs don't make a right," Riwoo points out. Still, he pulls Jaehyun in for another kiss—this one lingers like a promise. "Do what you want, jagiya," Riwoo says when they part, and Jaehyun knows what he really means to say: I'll be with you for every step of the way.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Okay, Park Sungho's livid again. Jaehyun keeps wondering how to not have Park Sungho be livid. Seems like it's impossible.

"I'm resigning," Jaehyun explains as gently as he can. He holds up the form he'd filled out approximately two hours before Sungho came back down to Earth (he's prone to procrastinating). "See? Signed by yours truly."

Sungho squeezes his eyes shut. "And what in the everlasting hell is he doing here?"

The he in question refers to Riwoo, whose arm is interlocked with Jaehyun's. "Moral support, Riwoo offers at the same time Jaehyun says, "So I might have told him the truth."

"Lord, save me," Sungho moans. He looks like he might murder Jaehyun and say to Riwoo, Sorry, but it was worth it. "So there's three people now who know that you and I are cupids?"

"Maybe." You couldn't ask Jaehyun, because he'd never admit that there were. "This is just more of a reason why my resignation is justified. I'm too interlocked with them now."

"Clearly," Sungho hisses, gesturing at his and Riwoo's arms. Riwoo's lip twitches like a half-surrender.

Jaehyun tugs Riwoo closer. "Didn't you say they weren't going to put me on trial anyway? So just deliver the form. I'm mentally prepared. I'd be happy not to see your face again."

"I was sent here to recruit you back, not to collect a resignation form." Sungho pinches the edge of the form in question, shaking it back and forth. "This—this is not part of the plan."

"There is no plan," Jaehyun says, and it's true. He's never had any plan. "At least, aside from resigning, there's none."

"You can't be serious. If not a cupid, what else do you want to be?"

Jaehyun looks at Riwoo. Riwoo looks back at him. There's a theory—a flatline theory—where a line hits a maximum and flattens out from there. Jaehyun thinks that this is his maximum. He thinks he'll stay at this plane forever, an intersecting, overlapping line with the constant of Lee Sanghyuk.

"Human," he says to Sungho. What he really means to say is, Selfish.

And, as expected, Park Sungho says: "This is so unbelievably selfish of you."

That's okay. Jaehyun doesn't mind being selfish. Not if it means he gets to have Lee Sanghyuk.

(Sungho delivers the form. The next morning, Jaehyun can't remember why the name Sungho sticks out to him. He asks Riwoo about it. Riwoo replies, I dunno, and kisses Jaehyun with toothpaste smudged between them. Jaehyun can't remember why that feels familiar too.)

(What is familiar is the warmth of Riwoo against him. What if I lived a hundred lives and this is the only one where I met you? Jaehyun asks Riwoo, and Riwoo answers, I dunno. Jaehyun knows what he really means to say: I'd wait for you to live those hundred lives, because waiting is worth it as long as it's for you.)