Chapter Text
“God aren’t you a roided up pine scented urinal cake…”
Deadpool looks Bruce up and down. He’s wearing a large white lab coat that seems to have been tailored to fit around his giant biceps and huge torso to end around his mid thigh. DP forgot that Bruce was in his whole “Professor Hulk era” so now he was just always large and in charge. Wasn’t it nice to see a healthy relationship between a superhero and their inner voices?
[Am I supposed to say something?]
{I think he’s talking about us}
“Y’know what they say about meeting your heroes, you’ll totally wanna fuck them and boy do i wanna climb you like a millennial going through a midlife crisis on mount Everest—wait does that make me a monster fucker?”
[probably not the smartest thing for you to say since you are a millennial going through a midlife crisis] white comments
{honestly mount Everest sounds better right about now than going to the fucking avengers for help} yellow adds like a ball of goddamn sunshine
Bruce places two of his large fingers on the bridge of his nose
“Can we please skip whatever you’re doing right now and cut to the chase?”
“Oh not a fan of foreplay huh? You dirty doctor you. Not here, we have guests” Deadpool bites his finger and waves a hand at Bruce coyly.
{stop~}
[No– please, stop]
From the corner, Peter adjusts his fake glasses on his nose at being addressed.
“Um, yeah so, I ran some calculations through the computer and there’s no possible way we can get you back home in time mister uh…pool…sir…we just don’t have the resources available to us right now…not after the last Pym particles were used 5 years ago when Captain America returned all the infinity stones…”
Deadpool looks to Peter then back to Bruce then back to Peter frantically “woah woah woah guys, AI is taking over the planet and we’re trusting a fucking computer to tell me if i can geotrigocalcumetrically make it home or not?!”
Deadpool doesn’t miss a beat to take this as an opportunity to tease the fuck out of nerd boy “But uh, lucky for you, I’m pretty good with my hands…” Deadpool slides behind Peter and the hairs on the back of his neck begin to rise. Peter knows Deadpool is approaching him before the man even got close enough to touch him, and yet for some reason, he still allows him to.
Deadpool takes Peter's hands from behind and tries to recreate a Ghost scene where in this case he’s definitely Patrick Swasey. He types in ‘8====) tnite? Y/N’
“Run those calculations my little nerd prince, see it’s alllll in the wrist…”
To this, Bruce grabs Deadpool by the head as if he were a plushie in a claw machine and sets him down a good 6 feet away from Peter.
“Stop harassing the kid, he’s the best we got and I wouldn’t want him to leave only two weeks into his internship here.”
Peter shutters at the thought of the first thing Deadpool had said to him when Bruce introduced them— “are you an archeologist cause I think I just popped a boner for you to excavate- or…no wait wrong scientist…i’ve got a better one: advocadros number more like i’d..fuck i lost it. Let’s have sex”
“Unfortunately for all of us, the only one that could possibly help is Hank Pym but…no one has seen him or his family in years” Bruce takes off his glasses in a moment of thought “no one else can recreate them, many have tried, many have failed.”
“So basically we need to find Mr.Krabs and get the secret krabby patty formula from him” Deadpool idly begins playing with a beaker half full of a mysterious liquid that looks like whisky and smells like candy. He just can’t help himself…
“sounds easy enough, where do we begin?” Deadpool takes a swig of the liquid carelessly and both Bruce and Peter look on with a horrified expression
“Ugh, i don’t feel so good-“
“NONONONOWAIT THAT'S NOT STABLE IT’LL-“ Peter’s panicked words are interrupted by Deadpool’s entire body exploding all over Peter, his guts slapping right on his perfect face with a splat, and his still fully animated masked head landing in Peter’s outstretched arms that tried to stop him
Deadpool winks “Hey gorgeous-“
“WHAT. THE. FUCK”
—————————-
“Well audience, I think you’ve all been patient enough for a little recap. Let’s start from where Deadpool 2 left off EXCEPT! I’ll tell you what really happened!”
“After my little meltdown over Vanessa’s death, I decided to change mine and Al’s diaper and hit the road where I met all sorts of new creatures! Saved Russel’s life AND got the best way to mind fuck people in all of MCU, a thing that alters time!” (Yayyy!)
“See thing is, my little team of absolute rascals are a bunch of glue sniffers and kitty litter eaters cause first jump back in time and I get stuck in whatever fucking timeline this author wants!”
“I think what makes me the jolliest of fatmen is the fact that I didn’t go backwards in time like I had originally planned, I went forward. So now i’m stuck in the year 2028, with my guts splattered all over this cuties face. Not the substance I was expecting but hey, I’m nothing if not flexible”
“That’s when I politely ask–
[You mean threaten to shoot the beloved cleaner of the tower, Stan, with a gun pointed at his head and then ride with him all the way up to Bruce’s lab?]
{Don’t forget busting through his door}
“Ok y’know what, I don’t think that’s as rude as you guys interrupting my story. You know I get side tracked super easily but you’re lucky I'm really excited to tell the readers about this next part.
Regardless, I politely ask my old pal, the hulk, to help me with my predicament, cue the sexiest nerd i’ve ever seen in my miserable life”
“Brucey was definitely a little hesitant but I managed to convince him after I explained my entire situation, and the fact that I don’t have the best track record when it comes to not destroying timelines since I mean, I fuck around with time all the time! I could get trigger happy and just happen to find their anchor and fuck shit up!”
[I’m beginning to think you threatened your good pal Bruce…Wade]
Resume our original story!
———————————
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DRINK A MYSTERIOUS LIQUID?! YOU JUST GOT YOUR DAMN BODY BLOWN UP!!!” Oh such harsh language coming out of that pretty mouth of his. Peter was so mad that Deadpool thought he was about to pop a blood vessel. Or maybe he already did but it was just hard to tell with all the innards on him.
[baby boy is big mad huh]
{God that’s adorable, look how mad he is at us}
“Oh…You got a little…something on your face there. I would get it for you but my hands are smeared on the ceiling…”
The comment didn’t seem to help much cause when Peter wiped the blood off his glasses, he opened his mouth again for another string of insults “You come in here, begging US for help to get home and you just put your dirty hands all over everything! We were gonna help you for free too!”
“Woah woah woah hey, it’s alright, daddy has a super good healing factor! See, the comics say my healing factor is good enough to grow back from a cell but Yahoo says i can’t do that although i’ve been blown up by a nuke before! I think as long as there’s cancer cells-“
Bruce grabs DP’s head out of Peter’s hands about as roughly as you would steal a basketball, and practically throws him on a sterile looking tray with a frenzy of materials being tossed aside from the impact.
There’s a quiver to Bruce’s voice as he tries to stay composed but DP can see his face turning purple “Stay there until you grow back. I have to go contact some people and I'm barely holding onto my patience. Peter, you can go home after this. Remember there are always spare clothes in the lockers and an emergency shower is in the corner of the lab. I’ll be back to deal with him.”
“Thanks Dr. Banner, I really appreciate it” shortly after straightening out his lab coat, Bruce leaves and Peter is stuck with Deadpool.
“Hey so, sorry I blew myself up. I mean, I usually blow myself but not like this, y’know? Little bit of selfcest for ya there.”
Peter doesn’t respond as he goes over to the shower in the corner and begins taking off his lab coat and shirt silently. It’s difficult for Deadpool to really get a read on this kid. He seems like your typical dweeb but when he blew up, Peter didn’t run or scream. Didn’t toss his head to the side frantically like most normal people would when they got a disembodied head thrown into their arms. It was strange. Maybe it was shock? They had a back and forth conversation, shot the shit, talked nineteen to the dozen, etc. Was he secretly a super villain?
“You don’t seem really bothered by the blood and guts all over ya. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really enjoying seeing my insides on your outside and I’m getting major phantom limb right now and it’s not the limb you’re thinking-“
“Can you please shut up?” Peter sighs dejectedly as he turns on a cold shower and first tries to rinse the nerves out of his shirt (literally and figuratively), then opts to throw it in a biohazard bag to take home with him. “That was one of my favorite shirts…” He looks through the bag at the tropical printed shirt that his aunt May had gotten him for his trip to Europe. She said something about him looking more European and although he rolled his eyes at her nagging then, he still remembers calling his aunt and telling her several Italian people had tried speaking to him in Italian. He felt so cool. She was always right. He loved this shirt.
Completely unaware of Peter’s internally sad dialogue, Deadpool can’t help but admire the kid’s lats and back muscles that contract as he finishes with his shirt. His upper body is lean and sinewy, perfectly allowing him to be fit, but in an inconspicuous way. Being a skilled mercenary, DP wonders why the hell a nerd would need muscles like that, but being a pervert for longer, DP ultimately doesn’t mind it one bit.
“Are you like a stripper or something? That would also probably explain the blood thing. Not judging, just wondering by the way. Completely unrelated but I support sex workers. I am also a sex worker , I just offer my services for free”
“I’m not a stripper I just…” Peter wonders what to say as it’s been about 4 years since anyone has even seen his bare body to ask why he’s muscular. It wasn’t like he had to take off his shirt to come work for Bruce Banner as an intern “I just like working out. I specifically like yoga since I’m flexible enough for it”
Deadpool looks at reader “You probably thought i was going to say something about him being flexible, didn’t you, you sick bastard”
[ok but you were totally going to]
{“Downward dog into my lap”}
“Huh?” Peter side glances Deadpool as he finishes throwing his lab coat away, then opens a locker near the shower to put on a fresh white t-shirt that looks far too big on him, DP tries shaking his head in disappointment but uh, no body to keep his head stable.
“Yeah ok sure” DP says quickly under his breath and starts again “Listen, Peter, baby boy-“
“Please stop calling me that, I’m 22-“
“Ok, Peter man, I need your help seriously. I know I'm just a talking head right now but pretty soon I’ll be back to normal and still stuck here. Me being here could possibly change the entire trajectory of your universe as you know it. If I run into another me then you know it’ll be kaboom and Doctor Smashy is taking his sweet ass time. I need you to take me to that particle guy's house so we can figure out what happened to him!”
Out of all the stupid nicknames this guy has made up for him, he decides to go with the one that’s unsettlingly similar to…“I-I don’t know where he lives…”
“All that brain in your head and you don’t think there’s some public info on this guy? Besides, you’re in a tower with a database that gives the FBI a wet dream!”
Peter thinks for a second before walking over to the computer and hunching over its familiar keyboard. Eventually he’s able to find information on Dr.Pym, just an address and contact info, I guess that’s what happens when you’re a famous scientist. “I found it but I’m leaving you here”
“No! What if he secretly got kidnapped by this gang of evil tickle monsters and you need to defend yourself!”
“A talking head isn’t quite enough to protect me if the gang isn’t, y’know, also talking heads” Peter smiles since the mental image of a gang of talking heads is pretty funny
DP feels his mouth drying up at the prettiest smile he’s ever seen since Vanessa’s. He feels a phantom pang of hurt in his heart, or maybe that’s actually his heart regrowing? When he looks down he can see his neck and chest begin to push their way out of his body. The former is objectively more painful.
It’s hard not to watch DP as he regrows his entire body from his head. The entire process is very rapid and his mind goes back to his first CELL BIO class when he had watched the phases of a fetus growing. Peter tries to stifle his curiosity as limbs form themselves like clay. “You must biologically know how your regenerative powers work, right?”
“Feeling curious? I guess you could say my skin is like the gift that keeps on giving, except the gift is tumors. Already got the cancer but the tumors are essentially what my skin is made out of. That’s half the reason why I can keep my healthy glow” DP’s eyes scrunch up with glee as he notices Peter’s full attention on him now. His legs turn into feet, sprouting all 11 of his toes. His hands reform the veins and curvature of his fingers. Eventually he’s just sitting on the countertop naked, to which he hops off. The pads of his bare feet make contact with the cool tiles on the floor with a slap and a brisk breeze of lab air sends a chill through him.
“Ooo! It’s nippy in here!” Deadpool stretches himself out, rolling his shoulders to try and loosen up that one crick in his neck. Hey just because he’s immortal doesn’t mean he doesn’t get the backpains of middle age.
Aaaand his dick is out. Peter takes a moment to process what is happening before springing into action to get Deadpool a towel.
“Sorry sorry, I didn’t think you would regenerate so quickly wow! Fascinating. Usually cancer cells regrow after a week to a couple months but they seem to rapidly multiply as soon as there’s a surface to feed into them.”
Deadpool wraps the towel around his neck, not even bothering to tie it around his waist even as he gets dangerously close to Peter. He narrows his eyes when he attempts to super nonchalantly suggest “You can touch my skin, for…scientific purposes…obviously.”
Peter is now face to face with Deadpool’s throat. He can see the muscles beneath his chest, the craters on his shoulders, the boils, and the constantly shifting pattern of his skin as it readjusts to its new makeup. Peter is so interested in studying this. So interested that he places a hand on Deadpool’s chest and feels the change there, right on his clavicle. His skin is almost hot compared to his own hands.
“Your cancer can’t possibly just regrow bones and organs as well, right?”
Deadpool shivers as Peter’s clean fingers trace alongside the painful sting of his skin and cools the angry burning. He notes back to the cold water he just ran over them to clean his shirt out. Fuck it feels good. DP now chooses to make the not so subtle motion of wrapping his towel around his waist to snap him back to the reality where this hot guy is willingly touching him.
“The cancer is just all over me, I'd say I'm half cancer by now. My powers help me survive and regrow all the internal bits. I was originally thinking cancer man as my superhero name but that just doesn’t have as good of a ring to it, y’know?”
Peter furrows his eyebrows “So your regenerative powers are constantly killing cancer cells and the cancer cells are constantly growing back. Isn’t that painful?”
“Oh Peter man, I am so turned on by your concern for me i mean seriously, I’m fighting the good fight with a boner right now but-“
Peter withdraws in a spell of embarrassment and runs a hand through his hair. He might not realize, but DP does when his cute little ears start turning pink, that he’s blushing up a storm. Oh God does DP’s voices start going wild with dirty dirty thoughts.
{We should do unspeakable things to him} yellow seems to grumble this is DP’s ear like the devil on his shoulder
[You still don’t know if he has a girlfriend or not!] and white is the cockblocker
Deadpool’s adam's apple bobs as he swallows–hard. He touches the side of the brown haired man's glasses, forcing him to look into the white of DP’s masked eyes.
He just manages to choke out a “Peter-“ when the lab door opens with furocity, a team of cleaners spilling in. Some having the hard hats of construction workers, others having the lab coats of scientists. Wade blinks and Peter is no longer in front of him. Instead, he’s all the way by the damn shower! What the hell?! It’s as if he knew the team was there before they even reached the door. Deadpool went through the motions as to how this seemingly uncoordinated dork could have possibly reacted that quickly. There wasn’t a window on the door, and the glass wall that allowed onlookers to see into the lab was only to the left hand side of the door. So therefore it was impossible for Peter to see them walking up from the right hand side. What the hell is going on? Does yoga grant people some sort of super senses?! Maybe he had to take up yoga for real now…
Peter seems to let out the tension in his shoulders with a sigh of relief. The cleaning team gets to doing what they do best which isn’t asking questions about the half naked man in the room.
“Dammit Petey, I need a new suit and I have nowhere to stay…won’t you let me stay with you? I’ll be a good boy” there’s a twinkle of mischief behind those puppy dog eyes.
“Absolutely not. I want to go home and sleep and there’s no way I can do that with a stranger in my house. I’ll message Bruce and he’ll find somewhere for you to stay. Also, weren’t you about to try and kiss me?”
“Weren’t you about to let me?” Deadpool quips back and his eyes seem to crinkle in delight at Peter pushing his glasses up in shame.
“Yeah, I was about to let you give me solid proof as to why I should file a restraining order against you. There’s a camera right there!” Peter points to one of the cameras in the corner of the room as if it’s a super huge dealbreaker.
“Oh I know, not sure if you’re into voyeurism but I sure as hell am. I was about to give those security guards a show until we were so RUDELY INTERRUPTED!” Deadpool now regards the other people in the room with a glare “Also a restraining order? Really? That’s cute you think i’m so much of a danger to your sexuality that you would put a restraining order against me. Honey, the wall is made of glass” Deadpool motions towards the glass wall and all of a sudden he gets to see it again– that smile, except it’s a package deal with this charming boyish laugh. DP can’t help but feel a goofy smile creep onto his face.
{I’m totally not sighing dreamily and kicking up a foot right now}
[That’s not our foot!]
“Yeah, that was a good one I have to admit” Peter lets out one last breathy laugh before collecting his things and making his way to the ruined lab door
Deadpool looks down and pretends to scold his dick “Down boy! Down!”
“And you ruined it. See you tomorrow” Peter leaves the room before Deadpool can give him shit about it, but to no avail since the half naked man steps around his own gore pile to catch up with the other.
“You wanna see me tomorrow?! WAIT LET ME WALK YOU OUT!”
Peter gets a sense by now that there’s nothing he can say or do to stop him.