Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

~
Starting over again
Looking 'round the bend
I didn't see you coming
I didn't see you there
~

Spring had sprung, and with it came the renewal of life, or so it was supposed to. Kei Tsukishima felt far from alive as he rolled down an empty highway, high beams setting the darkness on fire in front of him. How long had it been since he left home? He had lost count days ago.

It wasn’t as if he wanted to think about home in the first place, it didn’t feel like that anymore. As far as he was concerned, the four wheels that carried him forward were his home now, until he got his head straight at least. For now, he just desperately wanted to be as far away as possible while he blasted tunes so loud he couldn’t even hear them anymore. He wanted to forget. He wanted to run.

He wanted his eyes to stop stinging.

“Dammit…” Kei muttered to himself, turning the wheel to pull over on side of the road, making sure to leave his lights on even if every voice in his mind just told him to shut them off. It didn’t matter if anybody saw him there. If somebody crashed into him, at least he’d have an excuse to be crying. Broken bones made far more sense to cry over than what was making his face burn at that moment. Physical pain was far more valid to flinch at than the ache he felt in his chest. Perhaps an actual crushed lung would feel better than the way it seemed like the air escaping his lungs made them feel as though they were constricting in on themselves.

Kei clutched hard at his steering wheel. He rested his forehead against the top rim and he took a deep breath, trying with all he could to get ahold of himself before the anxiety took over. He felt the vibration of the bass in his speakers rumble through his fingertips and up his arms, and somehow the aggressive feeling allowed him to get a grip on his sanity before he cracked.

Finally managing to lift his head from the steering wheel, Kei leaned back in his seat, slowly regaining the feeling in his hands as he loosened his grip. He breathed in again, pausing for just another moment before turning the key in the ignition and starting the car.

He turned onto the road, revving the engine and speeding off as fast as he could once he was on a straight. If he drove fast enough, maybe he’d be able to abandon his panic attacks in the dust. Kei glanced down at the lights on his dashboard.

He’d have stop for gas soon…

+++

Kei wasn’t sure when he had fallen asleep, but the hot morning sun beaming in through the windshield let him know that it was time to wake up. He opened his eyes a crack, golden light quickly blinding him before he tore down the sun guard from the ceiling to block it out, whatever papers that were stuck in from before falling to his lap. He sighed and grabbed them without looking, tucking them back in where they were meant to be, the annoyance of having to do that at all waking him from his early morning stupor.

He was surprised that he had even had the sense to pull over the night before, even more so when he realized he had moved to the passenger’s seat to sleep. He wondered if it was his subconscious trying to take care of him when he had so obviously forgotten to on the forefront. Either way, he still felt like crap waking up in his car at the crack of dawn, only a few hours of restless sleep to cradle him for the day.

Kei sat back in the seat, eyes shifting around the interior of the car to get a handle on the state he was in. He softly nudged a few old drink bottles on the floor with his feet, and grimaced at a sticky stain covered in dirt dangerously close to his gear shift when he looked down to the side. Normally, Kei would have made sure that gross mess would never live to see the day in his car, but even if he did scrunch his nose at it on the surface, deep down he didn’t really care. It was way low on his list of priorities.

He took a look at the back seat, the contents of his duffle bag still sprawled out all over the place. Organizing that was even further down on his list…

Kei let out a soft grunt. He needed to get back on the road again. His foot was already twitching to press down on the gas peddle and all he wanted to focus on was the long straight path ahead.

Kei opened the door and stepped outside, wobbling slightly on his cramped legs and the uneven ground. The early morning felt damp, despite the hot sun that would be high in the sky all too soon, and Kei scraped the dew off the grass below him as he walked around to the other side of the car. He blinked at the trees that surrounded him and finally took note of the road ahead. The pavement was old. Kei was certain that maintenance there was not on anybody’s mind as he traced out the potholes with his gaze as far as he could see.

The man was certain he was lost, but that didn’t matter. Road signs existed for a reason if he ever wanted to find his way, though he did know he needed to find a gas station. As luck would have it, there was a road sign nearby that told him that one would be coming up. Kei felt a touch grateful at his ounce of luck, though he was far from being able to smile about it.

Fed up with the whistling birds, Kei finally swung open the driver’s door and let himself fall to the seat inside, starting the car immediately without another thought and turning the sudden music up as loud as it could go to drown out any thought remaining. As long as he was on the road, he’d be okay…

...At least for a while…

+++

That day felt easier than the last few had been. Kei had struggled to make it fifteen minutes without stopping to calm himself down on the first day he left. Days two and three were a little better, though the nights were hard. On day four he had managed to find a motel to crash in and finally take a shower, but actually having a bed to sleep in that night only brought the flood of panic back at full force. He couldn’t deal with it and took off in the middle of the night.

Despite the crick in his neck, Kei felt it was best to just sleep in his car while he was out and for some reason, giving in to the new norm made him feel better. He could breathe easier on the road, and get used to the panning scenery. He could find comfort in empty roads and not pay attention to which town he may or may not end up in. It was a life all too different than the one he had left behind, and he liked that. He could get lost in that and only find his way in reality once he needed to refuel, and judging by the light signalling his low tank in his peripheral, that’d have to be really soon.

Luckily, the gas station the sign spoke of was in his sights, and he slowed his roll, car bumping up over into the lot as he pulled in next to the pumps. He took a deep breath to brace himself before he got out. He knew he’d have to deal with people when he paid, but he figured he could handle a single station clerk. Kei huffed out his breath and just decided to jump in and get it over with, not bothering with checking how he looked in any of his mirrors. He didn’t have to see his reflection to know he looked completely haggard.

He finally stepped out of the car, shutting the door a bit too hard behind him as he made his way over to grab the gas pump. He opened the latch and sighed, knowing he’d be there for a short while. He took note of the deserted lot in his immediate vision, not a person in sight. He looked down at the ground and nudged at a cigarette butt, absently wondering about who the asshole smoking in front of a gas pump was, and that just brought his mind back to the task at hand. That was probably enough gas, so Kei took pressure off the handle and lazily turned to hang the pump back-...

“Hey! Nice ride!”

“Jesus Christ!” Kei spat hoarsely. He could have sworn there was nobody around for miles and the exclamation startled him so much that he nearly dropped the pump in his hands. He spun around to see where the voice had come from, narrowing his eyes in a sharp glare as soon as he caught sight of the idiot who was grinning for lord knows what reason. The man in front of him held his hands up in defense.

“Whoa, whoa! I didn’t mean to scare you. No need to shoot!”

Kei was confused by the statement but then realized he was holding the gas pump out like a gun. He clicked his tongue and scoffed, turning around as he did so and put the pump back on the hook. He refused to even attempt making small talk with some crazy random so he simply shut the door of his gas tank and walked straight past the man. Kei may have heard him say something along the lines of ‘Hey wait!’, but he didn’t care. All he needed to do was pay for the gas and maybe pick up some way too salty pre-made sandwich for when he inevitably got hungry later. The door chimed as he walked inside.

“Welcome!” the clerk exclaimed from behind the counter. Kei flinched inwardly at all the sudden outward stimulus, bright lights, way too peppy for an off-road gas station clerk and the annoyance that was still scratching at his mind from that idiot outside. In reality it wasn’t much, but for Kei in that moment it was enough to get under his skin.  

He walked past the counter without saying anything, heading straight for the fridge to pick out what little food he could stomach. He grimaced at a sandwich and picked it up, making sure to grab a few extra bottles of water as well before making his way back to the counter.

“Will that be all sir?” the clerk asked, a bright grin on her face. Kei took note of the freckles dotting her cheeks, the thoughts being stirred up by the sight making his stomach turn. The woman blinked at him a few times before trying again. “Sir?” she asked.

Kei shook his head to snap himself out of it. This was not the time nor the place for another breakdown, and he’d be sure to be long gone on the road before he’d let himself fall victim to that. He thought he was over this, these stupid things triggering memories he didn’t need, but there it was plain as day, dotting his vision. He raked his fingers through his hair.

“Sorry, yeah. Just this and the gas.” he said, his voice coming out far more weakly than he wanted, but the clerk smiled regardless.

“Alrighty, that comes to-...” she began, but before she could finish, she was cut off by a stray hand slapping a fifty dollar bill on the counter. Kei flinched at the sound and sudden gesture, eyes darting up the mystery person’s arm and then falling to a familiar face who was lecherously grinning at the clerk, at least that’s what it looked like to Kei.

“You…” Kei grumbled. It was the irritating guy with the rat’s nest for hair from outside. What the hell was he-

“Keep the change.” the man said to the clerk, clearly smug over how smooth he was coming across.

She shifted uncomfortably before pointing out that the price was a bit more than the single bill he had offered. The man’s expression dropped, soon followed by him awkwardly patting down his pockets to find some change.

“Oh damn, sorry! Hold on, I think I have some change here… Ha ha, gas prices are so high these days!” he rambled, and this whole situation was getting on Kei’s last nerve.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Kei grumbled, slapping down his own money on the counter and leaving with his bag of items, not another word to say.

“Hey, wait up!” he heard from behind him. Kei ignored him once again, heading in a rapid line straight for his car. He was just about to reach for the door handle when the man swooped around him in a quick motion and leaned his entire body back against the door, completely blocking Kei from opening it. Kei actually grunted that time.

“Okay, what’s wrong with you?” he finally asked, seeing no other option but to address him at that point.

“Who me? I just tried to pay for your gas and you refused, what’s wrong with you?” he shot back breezily.

“Well I never asked you to and now you’re blocking my door. Get out of the way, I need to go.”

“Oh come on, you can’t be in that much of a rush.” he said, folding his arms and getting comfortable against the car. Kei absolutely could not deal with this.

“And how do you suppose that?” he asked, his voice exasperated as he tried with all his might not to punch the living daylights out of the man.

“I saw you sleeping in your car about 3 miles back, and by the looks of it…” he said, trailing off for a moment to gaze in the car window. “...That wasn’t the first time.” he finished, locking eyes with Kei as he said it and piercing him with a knowing grin.

Kei glared at him, his fist tightening around the bag handle he held. He wasn’t about to be read like a book by some stranger, no matter how true the statement was. Kei lunged towards the man and grabbed him by the shoulder, pulling him away from the door. He didn’t put up much of a fight and he was pretty easy to move. Good, Kei thought, as he finally reached the handle, but the man was quickly back again, leaning against the door with his arm propped up on the roof and leaning his head against his hand.

“What the fuck? No.” he said firmly, his face twisting into a sour look. The man looked at him sympathetically but Kei knew for a fact it wasn’t sincere.

“You know, if you keep frowning like that you’re going to ruin your pretty face.” he said, reaching a hand up to brush the backs of his fingers against Kei’s cheek. It all happened so suddenly that Kei could barely process what he was hearing, but his subconscious was taking care of him as he flung a hand up and slapped the man’s fingers away.

“Don’t touch me.” he spat. The man put up his hand defensively.

“Whoa-ho! Okay! So no benevolence, or flirting… is there any other way I can convince you give me a ride? I swear it’s not far, just up the-”

“I already said no, so get your goddamn smirk out of my face. I’m leaving.” Kei said, his final words before wrestling the black haired bastard off of his car, finally managing to pry him off with a heavy shove and taking the split second he had to open the door and hop in as quickly as he could, turning the key and speeding off. He needed to get out of there as fast as possible. It was crap like that which made him dread going into any place with people. He just couldn’t deal with that bullshit, and just the thought of it made him glare back into his rearview mirror, seeing that idiot just standing there with-...

Kei’s eyes went wide and he patted his pocket, quickly switching and patting all of them when the familiar object wasn’t there.

“That son of a-”

With screeching tires, Kei nearly did a donut in the middle of the road to turn around, breaking the rules be damned as he sped back to where the man was standing patiently and coming to an abrupt stop. He stuck his head out the window that he had already rolled down in his fury.

“Give me back my fucking wallet, you ass!” he yelled, flinging his open hand and pretty much most of his upper body out the window to lunge after brown leather object in the man’s hands. He dodged Kei with ease, eyes still glued to the open wallet as he swayed back and forth away from Kei’s grabbing.

“Hey, Kei Tsukishima is a pretty cool name!” he exclaimed, dodging Kei once more. “Six foot two, age twenty-three! Man, you can learn so much about someone by just reading their license!” he spoke in such an obnoxious tone, though his voice was fairly booming. Kei had enough of his antics and got out of the car again to really lunge for his wallet. There was nothing the man could do once Kei stood at his full height and with the surprised expression on his face, it seemed like the guy knew it too, so just as Kei was about to make a grab for it, the man thought fast and shoved the wallet down the front of his pants. Kei froze.

“What… the fuck.” he deadpanned, absolutely stupefied by this person’s behaviour. Kei looked up at his face, and all he could see was a grin as pleased as could be.

“The name’s Tetsurou Kuroo! And if you want your wallet back, you’re going to have to give me a ride.”

Kei pinched the bridge of his nose, glasses lifting ever so slightly as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t punch this guy. He couldn’t punch this guy. Because if he did punch this guy, he was certain the force would kill him, and going to jail for murder would be sure to make his life more irritating.

“Okay, I’m going to count to three and if I don’t have that wallet in my hands by the time I’m done I swear I’m going to call the cops.”

“You know I’m not sure how fast the cops could get here-”

“One.”

“I mean, it’s not as if the wallet is out of your vicinity, it’s right-”

“Two.”

“If you’d just give me a ride then I’d-”

“Three. That’s it!” and just like that, Kei reached into his car window and started scraping around all of his junk for his phone. He would have normally mentally kicked himself for not keeping a closer eye on it, but the phone wasn’t exactly something he had been needing those past few days. He knew it was somewhere though, he just needed to-...

“You know this would have had a lot more impact if you didn’t look like a gopher stuck in the ground.”

Kei ignored that comment because he finally shoved a bottle aside on the floor and found what he was looking for. He grabbed the phone and pulled himself out of the car, making a show of pressing the on button but nothing was lighting up. There was a pause before he pressed it again, and when nothing happened, Kei simply glared at the device as if it had caused all this. He could hear Tetsurou snorting back giggles in his throat before absolutely cracking up.

“Oh my God, you’re a mess!” he called, pointing and laughing and everything. Kei grunted, tossing the useless phone back in the car before pointing right back.

“Oh, I’m the mess here, yeah, sure! Who’s the one backpacking in the middle of nowhere again? You look like you’ve been sleeping in the bushes for weeks!” he yelled. Kei mentally cursed his lack of wit in the heat of the moment. He hadn’t even conversed with anybody in a while let alone chew them out.

Tetsurou looked down at himself and glanced up at the dark bangs in his eye in a quick motion. He smirked and pulled a twig out of his hair.

“Yeah, well, that’s neither here nor there. So about that ride?”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Kei threatened, wagging his finger in Tetsurou’s direction.

Tetsurou frowned as he looked Kei up and down. It was clear that he was looking for some kind of ammunition to finally convince him to give him a ride, but Kei wasn’t going to give in. He didn’t need any company on the road, let alone somebody so obnoxious. Tetsurou sighed.

“Fine…” he said, his voice defeated. Kei raised an eyebrow, unconvinced that somebody like this would give up so easily. He watched as Tetsurou fished the wallet out of his pants and handed it back. Kei eyed it with a sour look on his face before taking it. “I’ll have you know that yours has been the first car I’ve seen down this road for days, but I suppose I can wait for somebody else.” he lamented insincerely. Kei rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. It’s not my problem you came all the way out here for-...” Kei started, but completely dropped off when he realized most of the contents of his wallet were missing. He fired his glare back in Tetsurou’s direction who had started whistling innocently. “I’m going to kill you.”

Tetsurou stalled his whistling to pull a twenty out of his pants pocket and waved it in Kei’s direction. “I’ll pay for your ga~aas.” he sing-songed.

“That’s my money! Give me back my stuff!” he demanded, though Kei had to admit, just dealing with such a ridiculous situation was making him tired. He didn’t want to yell or scream or fight anymore. He had put up with enough of that already, and he was very much missing the quiet of his car. The desperate need to escape his current interaction was almost enough to push him over the edge and he couldn’t believe that he was on the verge of breaking down in front of a complete stranger.

It seemed as though his anxieties shown on his face because Tetsurou’s expression had shifted to genuine concern.

“Ah, hey. You alright?” he asked.

Kei was beginning to tremble and he latched onto the roof of his car to steady himself.

“I’m fine just… fuck, give me back my stuff please. I can’t…” Kei stammered, voice weakening as he felt a stinging behind his eyes again. Pathetic. He really was pathetic, being so far gone to not be able to handle a conversation or stand up for himself. There was a pause before he heard some shuffling next to him. He looked up to see Tetsurou worriedly emptying his pockets.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I really was just playing around.” he said, voice soft as he handed back all the cards, money and papers to Kei. He eyed them weakly, not bothering with a glare as he took the items, carefully putting it all back in his wallet silently. Kei was trying not to think about anything, merely not wanting to have a panic attack in front of this guy, though it seemed like he could express a genuine sentiment. Kei couldn’t exactly say he felt comforted, but there was something about Tetsurou’s expression that eased him just a bit. He sighed.

“Get in.” Kei said shortly. Tetsurou blinked, eyes widening in surprise.

“What, really?” he asked. Kei finally managed to get his glare back.

“Shut up before I change my mind.” he said, opening the door and getting inside the car. He noticed Tetsurou hop on the balls of his feet before running around to the other side and quickly huddling to the passenger’s seat, hauling the bag off his back and setting it on his lap.

“Agh, Kei! You’re the best! Guess theft is what gets you going, who knew-...” he exclaimed, but Kei lifted a hand to stop him there.

“I’m not interested in conversation. Just keep your mouth shut and your hands off my wallet and you can have a ride.” he explained, shooting a harsh glance to his side. “I hold the right to kick you out at any time.”

Tetsurou gave a firm nod, doing the zipper motion over his lips with one hand and flashing Kei the ‘okay’ sign with the other. Kei put his keys in the ignition, satisfied with the reaction. He didn’t know exactly why he gave in. It was probably a mix of fatigue and feeling a touch thankful for the brief comfort the man's presence had given. Not that he’d admit that to a stranger though, a simple ride would be enough.

Kei turned the key, starting the car and turning up the music immediately, a gruff rock tune filling the car and startling Tetsurou into covering his ears.

"Damn! You really like that loud, don't you!?" he yelled, barely audible through the screaming of the song and wailing guitars.

Kei didn't respond. If Tetsurou wanted a ride so badly then he'd just have to deal. Once this was done, he could go back to being left alone...