Chapter Text
Castiel had just shoved a colgate covered toothbrush into his mouth when he heard the front door to his and his best friend Dean's apartment open and abruptly slam shut. He heard raised voices before he could even call out. He hastily spit and rinsed. Cas had just finished toweling off when he heard Dean yell gruffly.
"I said leave it alone Sammy! We are NOT talking about this."
Uh-oh. Sam was here too. It was never pretty when the Winchester brothers argued. Castiel figured it was all the worse, because they usually got along so well. It's hard not to be close siblings when one of them had practically raised the other, as Dean had Sam.
"Dean, we need to talk about this. Seriously. You have to just man up and tell him."
Tell who what? In Cas's bid to be quiet, he ever so quietly climbed into his boxers, and of course jammed his toe into the side of the toilet in the process. Castiel bit his lip to hold in the groan and he silently hopped on one foot. It occurred to him that Dean must have forgotten that Cas had taken Friday off to enjoy a rare long weekend. He felt bad to be essentially eavesdropping, but the thought of bringing attention to himself now would just be awkward. Besides, it wasn't as though he wouldn't hear about whatever the brothers were arguing about from Dean later on anyway. Dean always bitched to Cas when he and Sam fought. Who else made a better sounding board than your best friend of 17 years? The argument continued on as Cas finished dressing. He was actually thankful for his brother Gabriel for a moment. He had taught Cas at a young age to always bring the clothes you are changing into, with you, or else risk coming back into your room to get dressed in a fresh pair of underwear filled with itching powder.
"Man up? Are fucking kidding me, Sam? You really think it's that simple?" Cas heard Dean say, along with what sounded like the crack of a beer can. At 10am. Peerrrfffect. Fully dressed now in sweats and Dean's Metallica tee-shirt, he sat down on the toilet lid with a sigh, running a hand through his perpetually messy dark hair. If the Winchester bar and saloon was open this early, he figured he may just be in here for awhile.
"Uh, well yeah. I mean, what are you going to do, come sleep on my couch everytime it happens?"
"No! Charlie has a couch too."
Cas could practically see the sarcastic shit-eating grin he knew was gracing Dean's face.
"Look, Dean, I don't think you're giving Cas enough credit."
What? Castiel's ears perked up at that. Him? They were talking about him?
"It's not like he would just stop being your friend if he didn't like what you had to say. Cas isn't like that. What's the worst that could happen, aside from everything staying the same?" Sam's voice was soothing and reasonable, but Dean just chuckled darkly.
"Right Sam, like it wouldn't be the least bit awkward if I came out and said it."
For a moment it was quiet, and Cas felt like a teen awaiting the latest gossip, which normally he would be ashamed of. But since he was the topic of said gossip, Castiel figured that it was okay. To stop himself from impatiently tapping his fingers, he absently fiddled with a apple scented shampoo bottle. Another can cracked.
"Alright Sam, listen. I am going to say what I have to say once, and I am not going to say it again. You are going to listen, pause and reflect, whatever it is you have to fucking do, then you are never going to bring this up again. It hurts too fucking much. Capisce?" There was no sound, but Cas assumed Sam must have nodded because he heard his best friend continue.
"I have been in love with Castiel since I was 14 years old."
The bottle nearly slipped through Cas' fingers as his heart pounded in utter shock.
"Ever since that day he slashed Meg Masters bike tires for knocking down that bees nest," Dean laughed softly.
"I love everything about him. His seriousness, his kindness. Did you know that he works at the homeless shelter on 4th at least twice a month, without fail?" There was a pause and a sigh. "I love that he doesn't get pop culture references and that I get to teach them to him. I love that his eyes are bluer than cornflowers and that his hair always looks like he just got fucked.," The sound of a cabinet opening and closing. "I love his mind. He's God-Damned brilliant Sam. He's you brilliant. And despite that, he's still my best friend. He actually wastes his time with me."
Castiel's chest felt like it was on fire, and he realized it was because he had been holding his breath.
"I am not the kind of guy someone like Castiel Novak goes for. Just ask Balthazar. He'll tell you. I'm a grease monkey with a GED. I'm fun to hang out with, but I am not the kind of person Cas could settle down with. I'm not good enough, Sammy. Balthazar, he's good enough. He's a holier than thou dick, but he treats Cas right. He deserves that. He deserves someone who can take him to classy restaurants. Someone who can tell the difference between a Renior and a paint by numbers. Balthazar can do that and Cas is happy. Really happy, these damn thin walls don't lie. Not that I want to listen to it," Dean's voice was bitter tinged sadness.
Castiel thought back on last night, when he had brought Balthazar home. They were going to watch a documentary on transcendentalism and Balth had a made a crack to Dean about how they would watch it in 'Cassie's' room so as not to strain Dean's brain. Cas had smacked him in the arm, but Dean had just laughed and in turn said that that was fine, but would he and Cas mind keeping it down when they jerked each other off to the encyclopedia, because the neighbors had complained the last time. Balthazar had accused him of being jealous and Dean had cheekily replied that Balth had 'no idea how much that was true'. Castiel felt his heart break as he realized Dean's flippant answers hid the truth. He was jealous. That was why whenever Balthazar spent the night, Dean stayed somewhere else. How had he not noticed that? How the hell had Dean hidden this from him so well for so long? Castiel quietly padded out of the bathroom and down the towards the living room.
"The point is Sammy, he has never shown any interest. Not when I came out as Bi, not ever. English professors with PHd's don't go for guitar playing mechanics with Daddy issues. And that's fine. It really, really is. Because Cas is my best friend. He is my world. And if keeping things kosher, if making sure he stays in my world means I hide my feelings for another 14 years? Then yeah. I'm okay with that. "
Cas stepped into the entrance way and saw Sam's eyes widened as their gazes met.
"What's up with your face, man?" Dean asked. Sam just gaped, like an adorable floppy haired fish. Castiel cleared his throat and saw his best friend's shoulders go ramrod straight. He turned around and his horror filled eyes locked on Cas'.
"Hello, Dean."