Archive of Our Own

His world was green when Kirk opened his eyes. Green all over, with a small spot of blue in the middle. His lids sank down again, their weight too heavy for him to keep them up. His body lay twisted, at least the parts he could still feel - his nerves seemed to end somewhere in the midst of his back. A taste of blood was on his tongue, and this finally brought his brain slowly online again, making him remember the final minutes of his ill-fated ride with his group leader Walters and the new long distance shuttle they were testing for Earthfleet. It all had worked well until they had come too close to one of the subspace irregularities in their test area. From that moment on, it was not them flying but subspace making them fly. How and to where their instruments couldn't even tell, but obviously luck had been on their side and had delivered them on a suitable planet.

He opened his eyes again. Yes, green, very green...a jungle maybe. His broken nose gave little hint to the smells, but the forest looked nice with large, colorful blossoms. Even landing in spring, Kirk thought with an inward smile. And a blue sky above. Class M for sure. They really were lucky bastards - if Walters was still alive, which he couldn't tell. Now if someone would rescue them, he'd believe in god and paradise again.

"Ish-veh la," someone called through the silent woods, and then people stepped closer, shading his view of the sky. Two knelt down beside him, and a face appeared in front of him.

"Sahrafel-etek," the being said.

Kirk blinked, trying to clear his gaze enough to see and his mind enough to talk. A hand touched his face, and then something - someone - was in his mind.

"No," he whispered, and moaned when he felt his broken jaw bone move erratically.

// alliswellhavenofearweonlycometohelp // Words tumbled through his mind, said by himself and not. He tried to raise his hand in defense, but it didn't want to come up.

No! his mind cried, and the fingers left his face.

"We mean no harm, human," the other said, and Kirk forced his eyes toward the man. It was then when he suddenly saw the long pointed ears, and he gasped in shock.

"Had accident. Didn't...mean..." His lids fell again, as his exhaustion grew in intensity with every accelerated heartbeat. Of all the planets in the universe, why did he have to land on a Vulcan colony, he thought in desperation as he fainted.

*

His world was white when Kirk opened his eyes again. White with sparkles of ocher and red. If this was heaven, it looked rather boring. If it was the Vulcans' hospital, it looked rather peaceful. If it was their jail, it looked intimidatingly nice. He closed his eyes again, trying to appease his suddenly racing thoughts.

Think, Jim, his brain said. Get up and the hell out of here, his guts said and he found this order much easier to follow. Eyes slightly open he scanned the square, rather bland room for people, but it was empty. Rolling around he tumbled out of bed and landed on his knees on the floor that was much too near. A stupid height for beds, he thought, and tried to stand up. His legs didn't want to support him, though, so he dragged himself over the floor.

At last he felt his legs again, a minor fortune as the pain from his lower extremities became unbearable after two meters. It caused his eyes to tear, but he clenched his teeth and dragged himself further, clamping every possible hold with his fingers and pulling himself toward the door. A small, rational part of him diagnosed stubbornness and stupidity in trying to flee in his state, but the fighter in him held the reigns tightly. He had heard enough about Vulcan cruelty from the few that had the nerve to deal with them. The contacts between Earth and its few colonies and the powerful Vulcan Alliance were still rare, but the one thing humans had learned was to keep as far away as possible from the power that dominated a large area of the Alpha and half the Beta quadrant. Only the Klingons were brave enough to defend their direct border with the VA, while even Orion stuck to its distanced area. He had to get out of here. Better dead than...

"So human," someone said above him, and he glanced up, finding his tear-filled eyes blurring his sight of the man. Strong arms lifted him up and carried him back to the bed.

"Let me go," Kirk whispered. His jaw was much better, he realized suddenly. And there had been no guard. No weapons. And he wasn't punished for his attempt to escape; instead, a kind of hypo was pressed in his arm which made the pain diminish instantly.

"You are too ill to leave," the man said with a marked accent in his otherwise clear English. "Do not fear."

"You're a Vulcan," Kirk stated, as if it explained everything.

The man sat down next to him. He looked about fifty by Earth standards, and his expression was serene, though not threatening. "If you mean that we are originally from the planet Vulcan, you are correct. However, we have lived on The'lan, as we call this planet, for a long time. I am Sarek, the speaker of the local council."

"Because you speak English?"

Sarek shook his head slightly. "No. This is a language I rarely speak, but which I learned from another human that was stranded on our planet by accident." He took an unusually formed glass from a nearby table.

"Drink something, please. You need it."

Kirk took the offered water and drank deeply, only now realizing his dry mouth.

"I am Jim Kirk," Kirk said. "Ensign Kirk, Earth Fleet. My superior Lieutenant Walters and I were testing a new spaceship...where is he, anyway?"

The Vulcan tilted his head. "I am sorry - he did not survive."

Kirk paled. "Damn."

"But you will live. And we welcome you to The'lan," Sarek said calmly. "A sanctuary for those who seek peace."

"Peace and Vulcans usually don't go together well in other parts of the universe," Kirk said in a low voice.

"The paths of the universe are mysterious, and brothers may become very different over time. But you may tell us about the lost ones. Later," Sarek added as Kirk opened his mouth again. "When you have recovered. Our physicians are good, but not well experienced with full-blooded humans."

Kirk nodded. "Okay. Thank you, Sarek. I'm curious, too...very curious."

He fell asleep on the spot.

*

He was in the jungle. No, he was flying over it, somehow. His arms were spread, like a bird's wings, and he was flying over the top of the large, dark green trees. In the distance, there was a river. It was stark blue, and he changed direction to fly to it.

When he drew closer, he could see a little village next to it. The jungle vanished, and he was back in Iowa, but the village was still there and he was still flying.

Then there was Carol. She had never been to Iowa with him, but he knew it was her. She looked up at him, but it was obvious that she didn't recognize him. With a jerk she turned and ran away. He tried to fly lower, but the air kept him high above her.

"Carol...Carol!" he shouted, but she vanished in the distance.

"Carol!" He bolted upright in his bed. The thin sheets clung to his body's sweat. For a moment he looked around the empty room, disoriented, but then he remembered - he was on a foreign planet, inhabited by Vulcans - or a kind of Vulcan. He faintly remembered the man who had told him some things about this planet...Serik? Whatever, he wanted to get out of here. Real Vulcans or not, the simple sight of them intimidated him. He had to get back to Earth as soon as possible.

He looked around in the room, but all he could find for clothes was a kind of sarong. Wrapping it around his hips he unsteadily walked to the door and peered into the corridor. He wouldn't get too far, he realized as he saw the Vulcan and another one at the end of the corridor, talking quietly. The Vulcan looked very earnest, but relaxed a bit as the other raised his hand and some of their fingers met in a touch.

When they broke the contact and the Vulcan walked toward his room, Kirk hastily retreated to his bed. He wasn't fast enough to get the sarong off, and it clung to his legs under the blanket when the man entered. Their eyes briefly met, and Kirk swallowed as he noted the gaze of the man's dark eyes coming to rest on his lower body.

"I assure you, there is no reason to fear us," the Vulcan said matter-of-factly. "Neither is there a reason to flee. You would not get far anyway, as we have very few space carriers here."

"I see...Serik," Kirk said, clenching his hands into the blanket.

"Sarek." The Vulcan took a chair and placed it next to the bed.

"Would you mind telling me more about this planet?" Kirk asked, sitting up stiffly. "And why you are so different to...them?"

Sarek clasped his hands in his lap. "Two thousand years ago, there was a philosophical movement on Vulcan whose leader tried to change the violent, war-faring ways of Vulcan society toward a peaceful one. Unfortunately, this happened during our first contact with aliens - hostile aliens, in this case. The movement lost ground and in the end, its followers had to leave their home."

"And you are the descendants of those people?" Kirk shook his head. "Unbelievable how different Vulcan history might have evolved if this movement had won."

"Indeed. Please, tell me where you come from exactly, and what you know about Vulcan."

Kirk realized it was a kind of interrogation, but as it was a very friendly one, he didn't mind telling Sarek most of the truth - that they had tested a new shuttle, their bad luck with the subspace irregularities and their rough ride and landing here - wherever 'here' was. It also didn't hurt to tell that Vulcan had, in effect, expanded and now ruled over a major part of the Alpha Quadrant. They had few allies, as they were rather xenophobic and kept largely away from other species, as long as those species didn't interfere with their interests. He also dropped some information about the cruelties they did to their enemies. Although he admitted that it was only hearsay, Sarek looked concerned about this.

"I fear it is very likely that they still are as they have been, unable to see the truth in Surak's words."

"Surak?"

"The founder and leader of our movement."

Kirk nodded as he understood it to be a kind of Vulcan Buddha. "I see. Now that we both know a bit more about each other...what are you going to do with me?"

"We cannot send you back, as we do not have the means to do so. However, you also cannot stay here in the hospital forever. My thai'la Soral and I agreed that we will allow you to go into the pethu-ke and learn the ways of our society."

"You mean, I have to stay on this planet? There is no way back?" Kirk paled. "I have a girlfriend at home, the last thing I heard was that she was pregnant. I need to go back to her and my child."

The Vulcan shook his head gravely. "Earth is very far away from here, and we gave up spaceflight as a science. There are only two small emergency spaceships here which have not been used for a long time."

"And what's the...pes-que?"

"The pethu-ke is the house where the young ones finally grow into adulthood."

Kirk looked at him, not quite sure if he understood.

"You will learn with time," Sarek said. "We will give you a personal guide who will teach you many things you need to know."

Taking a deep breath, Kirk pondered for a moment but, finding no alternatives, he nodded in the end. "I accept for now."

"There is something left to do," the Vulcan said hesitantly. "You need to know our language, as I am the only one that speaks Terran. And since we found in the past that our language is very hard to learn for outsiders, I would propose to do a meld with you."

Kirk remembered the mental intrusion when the Vulcans had found him. "That thing? Never!"

"Jim..." the Vulcan seemed to know what effect the first name had in his culture, "you were wounded and not fully conscious. We saw no other way to tell you not to fear us, and we apologize if that was unwelcome and the wrong decision. But now you are awake and it would feel very differently, I can assure you." Kirk crossed his arms in defiance. "I'll hate it. And what would you do there anyway? Read my mind?"

"You have the fear anyone without telepathic abilities has," Sarek said calmly. "Rest assured that our philosophy does not allow intruding upon the privacy of others. All I would give to you is a basic knowledge of the Vulcan language and some social basics, so that you are able to learn everything necessary far more easily. We cannot let you into the pethu-ke if you are not able to make yourself understood."

"What happens if I say no? Would you force me?"

"No, Jim Kirk. You would remain here until you learned the language."

"And that would take long...?"

"Very long, unfortunately." Sarek met his gaze fully. "Please, trust me, Jim Kirk. We are not what you know as Vulcans, and I am willing to prove the difference."

"You already have," Kirk said wearily. He forced himself to calm down. "Seems I don't have many alternatives. So if I have to...go on."

Sarek moved closer until he sat within arm's length. "Thank you, Jim. All that will happen is that I will touch your face...at special points..." He reached out and very warm fingertips centered at Kirk's right cheek. "And then I will speak some ritual words...my mind to your mind," he murmured softly, and Kirk relaxed in the warm feeling of care. It seemed only a second until the warmth resolved again, and the fingertips left his face. "That was all?" he said dizzily.

"Yes." Sarek got up. "Everything else you will learn in the house for the young."

Kirk stared at him. "Did you just speak Vulcan?"

"Yes. The basic vocabulary and language rules are in your mind now. However, remember that this society does not at all resemble Earth, and our concepts and sayings will still be alien to you, even when you understand the words."

"I see." Kirk's lids dropped close. "Damn, suddenly so...tired..."

He sank into a deep, dreamless sleep.

*

When he awoke again, he was startled to find a young Vulcan sitting next to his bed - a young woman, in his opinion.

"Do not fear," the Vulcan said and raised a hand. It opened into a V. "Peace and long life, Jhm. Sarek told me to be your guide, and to answer your questions as best as possible."

Z'Pal's long braided hair went down over her hips, and her long, almost boyish body was clad in a colorful version of the characteristic sarong everyone seemed to wear here.

"Peace and long life, Z'Pal," Kirk replied, trying to copy the gesture. Finally he gave up. "I thank you for being willing to guide me."

"Sarek considered me to be a fitting companion. However, if you are not satisfied with me, you can ask for another one at any time."

"I think we'll get along," Kirk said. "I spoke Vulcan now, right?"

Z'Pal raised a brow. "Yes. I understood every word. Did you understand me?"

"Yes." Kirk nodded.

"Are you strong enough to come with me to the pethu-ke? It is not far away."

"Of course," Kirk said, then remembered that he wasn't really dressed, that funny sarong still wrapped around his legs somewhere. "Uh, do you mind leaving me alone for a moment?

Z'Pal raised one brow again. "I was ordered to help you in any possible way."

"I just want to dress."

"Then do it?" The Vulcan was visibly at loss about the possible problem.

Kirk laughed, finally finding the humor in the situation. Here, in this bed on this planet, he wished he had attended more of the first contact lessons his teachers always tried to schedule him for, instead of mostly concentrating on his flying hours.

"I will." He got out of bed, ignoring his nudity as he pulled the entangled sarong out from under the blanket. He folded it and sighed deeply as he pondered what do to with the large amount of fabric.

"I will teach you how to fold the omut," Z'Pal said, matter-of-factly. Within seconds, the dress was securely fastened around Kirk's body. Kirk even found his boots under the bed and put them on, preferring them to the sandals of the Vulcans for now.

They made their way to the door and down the stairs, and the first thing Kirk thought when they stepped outside was that this place felt more organic than any other he'd been at for a long time. None of the buildings was a strict rectangular block; instead, all had round slopes or intersecting trees or other buildings. The dominant colors were those to blend in optimally with the jungle he could dimly recall from his crash landing, green and brown and yellow. The atmosphere was peaceful and quiet; some Vulcans were on the street, but they barely gave him a glance as they passed them. They must be incredibly controlled if they could so easily master the curiosity any folk would have on the arrival of an alien.

"What's the pethu-ke? Sarek said something like 'where the young ones finally grow into adulthood,'" Kirk said when Z'Pal directed him toward a big door. It almost looked like a prison or another kind of similar institution to Kirk. Not exactly inviting.

She stopped in front of the door and pointed at the carvings on the polished stone front piece. "When a child is being raised, it grows through many ke'u." Her forefinger drew a line along some pictures. "In each, children of a similar age learn and live together. The pethu-ke is the one where the young adults take the last steps to be full members of the society. We leave when we are ready and a seth will accept us or we are allowed to build our own seth."

"What's a seth?"

"A group of adults that choose to live together."

"Does nobody ever live alone?" Kirk wondered.

"Why would anyone want to live alone?" Z'Pal asked back. But before Kirk could ask further, she took the door handle and opened the unlocked door.

"Welcome to the pethu-ke."

*

The pethu-ke wasn't like any other institution Kirk had known before. The young adults living here, about two hundred and mostly men as far as he could see, were working in a self-organizing style. There were very few older men around, and they obviously had a supportive function only. Lessons were held by members of the pethu-ke who had set up a schedule for a specific subject - anything from philosophy to chemistry to medicine. For a deeper understanding of the subject, people worked in small groups, discussing the implications of what they had just learned. The discussion level was so high that Kirk would've had problems participating even in English. By midday, he was glad that they could find a corner in the dining-hall where he could eat his dish of unrecognizable food in quiet.

Z'Pal eyed him with sympathy. "It is stressful, I assume. It was Sarek's decision that you should be submerged into our lifestyle without further preparation. Was he wrong?"

"Oh, it's okay. I don't feel alienated or anything." Kirk looked at the contents of his unusually formed spoon, not quite deciding yet if those...beans? were to his liking. "You people are incredible. Everyone behaves as if I have been here forever."

"The soup should be fine for you. It is on the list of recommended dishes for humans."

Kirk looked up sharply. "A list of dishes for humans?"

"There was one living here decades ago. Therefore, we have this list." Z'Pal raised her palms in a gesture of apology. "If you want to know more, you have to ask Sarek."

"Ah, I remember that Sarek said something about a human stranded here. Hm. Does Sarek ever come here?"

"Rarely and only for teaching. Adults don't visit the pethu-ke."

Kirk tasted the soup; it was rather spicy but okay and faintly reminded him of dish he'd eaten as kid. Only now realizing how hungry he was, he quickly emptied the dish and went for a second helping.

When he returned, two other Vulcans had joined their table. Z'Pal introduced them as Sired and Z'Kou.

"We were just thinking of taking a bath now. Would you join us?"

Kirk nodded. "Just let me finish the soup, and I'm ready." He quickly spooned it up. The Vulcans brought back the dishes, and minutes later they were outside in the large yard behind the main building, where a naturally formed lake was waiting for them.

Without ado, Z'Pal slung her hair around the neck and pulled away her omut, putting it aside neatly folded. Turning to Kirk, Z'Pal said, "Jhm?"

Kirk stared at the Vulcan, his gaze fixed at the groin. "You are a - man?"

"I am what all are," Z'Pal said.

"All...?" Kirk looked around, scanning the other Vulcans. No women. Not one single woman. Not even Z'Kou, whom he had assumed to be female just because of the name, although the looks didn't fit.

He cleared this throat. "Are your women living somewhere else?" "There are no women." The young Vulcan met the human's unbelieving eyes, and slowly, carefully repeated, "There are no women on this planet, Jhm. There have been none for two thousand years."

Kirk sagged back on the nearest seat. "That's...something," he managed to say. "But how do you...get children?"

"We use a method called genetic genesis, tol-tveshu; we have genetic databanks in all cities that have samples of the material of every person on the planet. They regularly exchange material between the tol-tveshu-ke, the laboratories. The genetic material of various donors is statistically mixed and reassembled, then inserted into stem cells and stimulated to grow."

"Test tube babes..." Kirk mumbled, ignoring Z'Pal's confused look. "So they chose you as my guide because you look so female?"

Z'Pal sat down next to him. "We do not have a 'male' or 'female' look by our own judgment. But Sarek postulated that you might prefer my appearance over others."

He reached over and first touched Kirk's chest, then his forehead. "I apologize for not telling you earlier, but Sarek told me to give you some time for general adjustment." He stroke down Kirk's chin with his fingertips in visible fascination. "I cannot imagine how it would be to live in a society with two genders. To have a thai'la who is truly different." Z'Pal dropped his hand.

"Why did you stop?" Kirk asked, throat raw.

"Sarek said..." The Vulcan faltered.

"Sarek knows everything, huh?" It was Kirk's turn to reach up and touch the Vulcan's chin. He felt clumsy compared to Z'Pal's filigree touch as he stroked the overheated, dry skin. He felt...male, compared to him. It seemed Sarek's reasoning had been dead on.

"Sarek said that this is not your way. That you are married like our ancestors were." Z'Pal's voice was very low.

"What is your way?"

"In the pethu-ke, to enjoy the nearness of your age group. Learn how to interact with others in every way."

"Also...sexually?"

"I'm not sure if we are using this term in the same way." Z'Pal's palm came to rest on Kirk's heart. "It sounds so differently," the Vulcan said. "The drumming is so very slow."

"I mean, this...touching and all, does it lead to...intercourse?"

"Ah." Z'Pal shook his head. "We are too young for this. Only with the first burning, we will be able to join anyone fully. But everything else is encouraged to be shared with your friends."

"I see," Kirk said, although he didn't, really. Ancient pics of hippie communes crossed his mind, and he grinned. "Let's go to into the water, okay? I think I learned enough for now."

*

There were a few more lessons in the afternoon and a light dinner in the evening; then everyone retreated into the sleeping area. Kirk peeked into the rooms they crossed - they were rather small and had a kind of mattress on the whole floor, much like a sunbathing area. Everyone lay close to each other...and some closer. And there were no doors. Outside, there was an almost full moon that naturally illuminated the city; they didn't seem to have artificial street lamps.

"This is our room," Z'Pal said and showed him in. "At the moment, we are the only two here."

"That's good," Kirk said. "Another arrangement of Sarek's? It seems he knows a lot about humans."

"He knows a lot about everything," Z'Pal said in obvious admiration.

Kirk tried the ground and found it slightly lacking on the comfort level. Not wanting to ask for anything softer, however, he decided to get used to it. He left his boots in the doorway and sat down.

"God, I'm tired." He lay down, using his omut as a blanket. "I'm sorry, Z'Pal."

"Sleep, Jhm. It has been a long day."

The Vulcan's hot palm pressed on Kirk's forehead, and seemed to drain all exhaustion and tension from him. "Just relax," the voice said in the distance, and Kirk sank into a peaceful sleep.

*

Although Z'Pal became a good friend over the next week and gave him some emotional stability (and comfort, though he never crossed a certain line, much to Kirk's relief), Kirk missed a chance to speak English, to connect to his former life in the middle of this alien world. He hadn't seen Sarek since the hospital, and from Z'Pal's words he had extrapolated that Sarek was avoiding him on purpose.

However, once he learned that he was allowed to walk through the Vulcan town on his own, he took his chance and explored the city. And when he saw Sarek on the street in the middle of the next day, the inner need to talk to him was bigger than the reluctance to inflict his presence on the Vulcan. With their honesty, he would surely tell Kirk if he didn't want to speak to him.

"Sarek," he said and walked faster to close in on the man.

Sarek stopped and turned. "Jim Kirk," he said, not unfriendly. "Is all well with you?"

"It is," Kirk said in English. "I just miss talking in my native tongue, and wanted to ask if you could spend a little time with me."

"I have duties to attend at the seth, but they will not take long. After this, we can talk."

"May I come with you, Sarek? I've heard about the seth concept, but I've never seen one." Kirk was eagerly joining Sarek's step. "Or is it a very private thing?"

Sarek tilted his head. "There is no general rule against visiting a seth. However, you are no adult by our laws, and are therefore advised against it."

"What a pity." Kirk was genuinely disappointed.

Sarek looked at him thoughtfully. "There is always room for sensible exceptions," he said. "This one time, Jim, you may come with me. It is important that you understand our culture, and the t'hau-seth are the center of our society."

Kirk nodded and joined in the Vulcan's measured steps.

"What do you know about the t'hau-seth?" Sarek asked him.

"To me, it seems like a chosen family."

"Exactly. The bond is not any less than it would be within a family in your traditional sense. But with no women, the men explored other possible constructions for relationships and found the seth system to be the most stable one."

"How many people are in your seth?"

"Thirty, but we rarely are all together in the main house," Sarek said. "Many of our members are working in other cities."

"And what kind of work?" Kirk gave him a glance. "Tell me if I'm too nosy."

"Nosy?"

"Curious."

"Ah. Yes, I will do so. But curiosity is not only an accepted but even encouraged trait. We are the korsau'a-seth, the Preservers. Down from the time of Surak who was in our founding group, we preserve his word, attempting to give advice and guide our people in times of need."

They arrived at a large, old house with three small stairs in front. "While I invite your curiosity, as I said, it's uncommon for non-adults to visit a seth. So please be silent within the seth and do not talk to the other members you might encounter."

Kirk nodded. Sarek opened the door, and it swung to the side without a sound. Inside the house, the air was somehow air-conditioned, less hot and humid than outside. In the entry hall, they were greeted by an elder Vulcan. Sarek and he briefly joined their fingertips, the intimate version of Vulcan greetings, as Kirk had learned in the pethu-ke.

"Sarek-kam, do you think it is wise to bring him here?" the Vulcan asked quietly but audibly to Kirk.

"Just a brief visit, Soral. He needs to know."

So this was Sarek's thai'la, Kirk thought, remembering Sarek's words in the hospital. He looked older than Sarek and even more serene. Instead of the omut, he wore more of an official robe with Vulcan signs in front that Kirk couldn't read. Possibly Old High Vulcan before the time of the emigration of the Surak'ai.

"More than the other pethu'a?" Soral asked critically.

"In his own world, he is adult."

Soral broke the contact, but gave only a small glance at Kirk when he passed him to leave the house.

"Come with me," Sarek said and guided him into a larger doorless room. "This is our office. As I said, I need to fulfill some duties, but feel free to talk to me and ask questions." He sat down at something like a console and called up messages.

Kirk walked around the room. It was painted red-brown, like most of the buildings. A few decorative paintings were on the walls, showing peaceful landscapes. But on one side, there were two beautiful swords hanging with crossed blades. Although unprotected, they didn't show a single scratch or any tarnish.

"Are these swords for ceremonies?" Kirk asked.

"These are S'harien swords; we took them with us as a reminder of darker times, to remember that there will always be a part of us that we have to keep under control. They are reported to have been the last two made by this legendary smith, but they have never been used in an actual fight."

Integrated in a corner, there was something like a guest console, and Kirk looked at it. At first glance, everything on The'lan looked deceptively rural. At second glance, there was technology everywhere, just less visible than normal.

"Feel free to try it," Sarek said from behind. "It is a simple information terminal like in the pethu-ke, but with access to the net of the whole planet."

"Why don't we have something like that in the pethu-ke?" Kirk asked.

"The pethu-ke is for young adults who are still not full members of our society. With greater knowledge comes greater responsibility, and children need to be given the time to learn this in a protected environment."

"And you put me into the pethu-ke because I'm not an adult to you?"

Sarek lifted his gaze from the screen. "You are not considered an adult on this world because this status comes with knowledge and experience here. There is also a rite of transition, kahs'wan, which needs to be passed once it is thought that you are ready."

Kirk nodded. "I have heard about the kahs'wan. Z'Pal's preparing for it. So to be accepted as adult here, I would need to pass it?"

"And the knowledge tests."

"Do you think it would take me long?"

"I cannot estimate this, Jim Kirk. It mostly depends on your ability to adjust to our way of living."

"Should be doable, then." Kirk pulled a chair closer and sat down opposite to Sarek. The Vulcan's gaze had returned to the screen again, and for a moment all Kirk did was watch the dance of the dark eyes over the messages and the dance of the fingers that replied to them.

"I've heard there had been a human on this world once."

"Yes."

"Tell me more about it. Please."

There was a slight knock at the entrance, and Kirk turned to see an old Vulcan. The man ignored him and exchanged some words with Sarek in a dialect that Kirk didn't understand then left again.

"This was R'tak," Sarek said. "His expertise is Old Vulcan; therefore, you didn't understand him."

"I thought he didn't want me to understand him anyway."

"Probably not," Sarek said with a note resembling human dry humor, though Kirk was never sure if they had a concept of humor at all.

"So, what about that other human?" he asked again.

"It was a woman - Amanda. She died shortly after crash landing here."

"A woman? That must've been a shock for you." Kirk said surprised. "A pity she didn't survive. But you learned her language and compiled a recommended food list."

"Yes. It did not take long." Sarek's gaze was fixed on the console again, and Kirk's feeling of being an intruder increased.

"I think I should leave," he said and put the chair back against the wall.

"Yes, it would probably be better." Sarek left his console and showed him to the main door. "I should never have brought you here. I made a mistake."

"I was too curious." Kirk shrugged.

The street was rather empty, as always, only one young Vulcan walking toward the door. He stopped when he saw them standing there. "This is Spock," Sarek said. "Spock, Jim needs to be brought back to the pethu-ke. Please do so."

"I'm old enough to find my own way," Kirk grumbled in English. The young man looked lightly confused.

"Do it, Spock," Sarek said and closed the door at Kirk's back. Although it wasn't locked, the message was clear.

"Hello. I'm Jim," he said to the Vulcan. "And I'm sorry."

Spock seemed even more confused, but then went to the street and towards the main road without looking back.

Kirk followed on his heels. "Don't you ever speak? I think you're the first unfriendly Vulcan here."

Spock glared at him.

"And you're rather emotional," Kirk added with a grin. Now that he was out of the intimidating seth house and walking with this young man that couldn't be out of the pethu-ke for long, he felt relieved and relaxed.

"What's your profession, Spock?" Kirk asked, curious.

The Vulcan felt little inclined to tell, but gave in when Kirk repeated the question. "I am a scientist."

"Any preferences?"

"We prefer to have a broad range here on this planet."

"As opposed to...?"

"Your world."

"What do you know about my world?"

"What I have learned from the library. There is a file about your species."

Kirk's eyes grew large. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

Spock shrugged. "It is in our seth's library. It was written by Sarek." Kirk tried to keep up with the Vulcan's quick pace. "And you didn't like the contents, did you?"

"Your species sounds limited." Spock pointed at the other end of the road. "There is the pethu-ke. You can find your own way now."

Kirk took him by his upper arm, although he knew that uninvited touching was frowned upon. But he could be just as rude as the Vulcan. "You're still rather unfriendly."

"And you are trespassing." Spock frowned.

"Maybe I'm happy to meet the first Vulcan who's acting normal."

"Normal?"

"Yes. Not totally friendly and understanding. Not welcoming me with open arms."

Two eyebrows were lifted. "And you find this normal?"

Kirk nodded. "Yes." The Vulcan was more than confused now - he was beginning to get curious, as the sparkle in his eyes showed.

"You're good at science," Kirk said, taking a chance. "Care to give me some extra lessons? I need to pass my tests soon, because I'm an adult in my world and don't want to stay a child here."

"There are many good teachers in the pethu-ke," the Vulcan replied evasively.

"But they are all too nice to me. I prefer to be more challenged."

Spock tilted his head, visibly pondering the idea. "I will consider it," he finally said.

"Fine by me. You know where you can find me." Kirk turned and walked to the pethu-ke, feeling the Vulcan's gaze on his back all the distance.

*

A day after his visit to the korsau'a-seth, Kirk still didn't get Spock out of his mind. He had something that attracted Kirk. And those eyes...he wanted to be their center of focus again. No matter that he just lay in bed with Z'Pal after an hour of relaxed closeness (as the Vulcans called it) - if he really wanted anyone to share more, Spock would be the one he wanted.

Z'Pal stroked through Kirk's hair in a monotonous rhythm, and Kirk decided that this was the right moment to inquire about the young Vulcan. "Do you know Spock?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Anyone you don't know on this planet?" Kirk asked amused.

The Vulcan lifted one eyebrow. "Spock was teaching science in this pethu-ke for one point three years. Why do you ask, Jhm?"

As Kirk stood quiet, Z'Pal ceased the stroking. "You like him," the Vulcan said. "You...feel."

"What's wrong with that?" Kirk asked slightly irritated. "As long as I don't harm anyone."

"You know he's a member of the korsau'a-seth?"

Kirk sat up. "Sarek's seth. No, I didn't. I've been there, but I didn't realize that Spock belonged there." He thought about it for a moment. "I thought the Preservers are more like a group of historians. What does a scientist do there?"

Z'Pal pulled him back on the bed and rolled him on his stomach. "The Preservers do not only preserve history, but also guide our people on the basis of those former experiences," he said and kneaded the human's tensed shoulder muscles. "Whenever it comes to decisions that have a long term impact on our way of living, they speak up in the name of Surak, telling us what solution he probably would have suggested. To make truly informed decisions, they also need scientists"

"A kind of religiously control institution?" Kirk asked critically.

"What is 'religiously'?"

"Religion. Uh. A core belief with moral codices, supernatural forces, afterlife. Something like that."

"The Preservers are not the ones who keep the katras," Z'Pal said. "And we do not believe in supernatural forces."

"You believe in Surak's words. That's not much different from religion as I know it from my planet. You take his words as something special, some eternal guidance."

Z'Pal stopped his movements. "The value of his words does not diminish with time. We try to adapt his logic to upcoming, new problems, but their deep truth does not vary."

"Well, this counts as religion in my books," Kirk mumbled.

Z'Pal shrugged. "Then it is religion. Is that a good or bad thing on your world?"

"Depends."

Behind them, the door opened, revealing Sired, one of their room neighbors. "Will you come to the arena with me?" he asked.

"I'd rather stay here," Kirk said, coiling on the bed with his back to the Vulcans.

The Vulcans exchanged glances. "He is emotional tonight," Z'Pal said. "His thoughts are with Spock-korsau'la."

"Didn't you tell him Sarek is ri'a'si about him?" Sired said.

"Ri'a'si?" Kirk shed him a glance over his shoulder.

"Same as you are about Z'Pal at times," Sired said, and stroked along Z'Pal's naked arm. "Exclusive. Single-minded."

"Isn't everyone who really likes someone?" Kirk asked, trying hard to push away the idea of Sarek and Spock together - they looked more like father and son than two lovers. The Surak'ai maybe didn't care about that, but he did.

"Emotions need to be shared and controlled, or the community will not last," Sired cited.

"Is the community all that ever counts for you?" Kirk asked sharply.

The Vulcans exchanged glances.

"Is it? What about your own wishes? What if you want to be single-minded?" The Vulcans exchanged glances again. "I do not understand why anyone would want this," Z'Pal finally said. "And no seth will accept this."

"That's what I mean. What if you don't join a seth?"

Sired shook his head. "Everyone needs to join a seth. No one can live alone."

"But what if someone wants to?"

Z'Pal got up. "You do not understand, Jhm." He took Sired's hand. "Let us go to the library. I have no time for childish talk today," he added with a frown at Kirk.

And so the human was left alone, thinking about just what point he seemed to miss in the conversation.

*

It was very early in the next morning when Kirk awoke to the sounds of people entering their room. There were several; dark, looming shadows against the little light, and they came to him, forcefully pulling him apart from Z'Pal. In panic he hit his masked ambushers, but they didn't mind his resistance and their grip didn't yield. Beside him, they stripped Z'Pal and bound him tightly. Then some men carried the Vulcan away. Kirk kept on struggling, twisting in the hands that held his wrists and covered his mouth.

"Human, do not fear," someone said and removed his mask. It was Soral.

"What did you to do him?" Kirk asked sharply. The men let him loose, and he hastily pulled away from them. In his mouth, there was a taste of blood.

"It was decided that he was ready to leave the pethu-ke. They will bring him into the jungle for his kahs'wan."

"You'll drop him into the jungle just like that? He could get killed out there!"

"Yes," Soral agreed.

"Then...why?"

"It is our way, Jhm. You will learn."

Soral nodded toward the other men and pulled his mask up again, leaving the room. Kirk slumped against the window and looked outside just in time to see the group vanishing into the darkness, in their middle one nude, captured victim.

Outside, he heard the other boys whispering agitatedly, sharing their stories about what was likely to happen to Z'Pal and hoping that their time would come soon, too.

It took half the night for Kirk to stop shaking.

*

With Z'Pal gone, Kirk was left with only casual acquaintances in the pethu-ke. And as a non-adult, it was forbidden for him to simply go to the korsau'a-seth to meet Sarek or Spock. For two days, Kirk was on an emotional rollercoaster, feeling thrown into this alien world on his own once again. Messages about Z'Pal's whereabouts were coming in slowly, and the odds of him surviving seemed low - until the good news came in that Z'Pal had survived and joined a seth on the other side of the city.

However, this didn't bring Z'Pal back to him. And they hadn't even been able to really say good-bye. Obviously, Vulcans didn't attach great importance to that sentiment.

Sired tried to appease him, but the boy was not Z'Pal. How did he become so adjusted to someone, almost forgetting his pregnant fiancé at home? She was becoming a foggy memory, and he had to fight to remember her.

He joined the first kahs'wan classes but found that he had some problems in adjusting to the sports they offered; they resembled karate and juijutsu than the sports Kirk was used to and, lacking the years of training and the naturally higher strength of the Vulcans, he quickly realized that it was no real fun to fight them. Of course, he could always fight dirty, but he wanted to hold this back for emergency situations before damaging his reputation.

The only bright spot was that Spock had decided that he would give him some additional science lessons, but the Vulcan kept a strict decorum when he came to the pethu-ke, leaving no room for Kirk to make any advances, and also giving him little chance to ask any questions about the Surak'ai outside of their lesson subjects.

After a week, Kirk had enough and waited for the Vulcan outside of the pethu-ke the next day.

"Let's go," he said, and pulled Spock in the direction of the jungle.

"What do you intend?" Spock asked.

"I want to see a bit more of the surrounding area, but they don't want me to go out on my own."

"Of course. The jungle is dangerous, and you have had little training so far." But Spock walked with him anyway. The whole city was enclosed by a wall of about three meters high; this way, the Vulcans could live next to the unchanged nature they had found upon their arrival, as Kirk had learned. There were several gates in this wall, but so far, the guards had never let him pass these checkpoints.

"They'll let us go outside together, right?" Kirk pressed the point.

"I should not go with you," Spock said.

"I asked the others; it's not unusual that young people from within and outside the pethu-ke have contact. It's all right."

"We don't even have a knife with us."

"We have," Kirk said and showed one that he'd taken with him from the kahs'wan class.

Spock sighed. "This is highly irregular."

"Please, Spock."

The guard on the small view-screen next to the gate let them pass with no problem. A few steps out of the city on the small path, and they were in the jungle. There was no such thing as mass transportation, Kirk had learned by now; every city was rather independent from each other, and commuting was done, if necessary, by small flyers with antigrav units. The Vulcans knew about beaming, but it was too energy-inefficient for them.

"What do you want to do here?" Spock asked, cautiously scanning the surroundings.

"Maybe I just wanted to do something illogical," Kirk said and took a deep breath. The jungle was lot more humid than the city, and he wondered how the Surak'ai achieved that. Maybe he should have a closer look at the ecology files.

"I have detected a certain preference for that in you," Spock said dryly.

"And maybe I wanted to spend more time with you." Kirk took Spock's hand and pulled him forward. Although the Vulcan kept looking rather irritated, he walked with him along the path.

"I haven't been here since my own kahs'wan," Spock said after they had walked a while in silence. Kirk had loosened his hold, but Spock still held his hand. It was encouraging.

"When was that?"

"Seven months and three days ago."

"Was it hard?"

Spock shrugged. "It is a test."

"And then you joined the seth. How do you select a seth - or how does the seth select you? You're not allowed to meet adults while in the pethu-ke, right?"

"That is not correct. Most seth-ai participate in the education of the children, and since each seth has another focus, they are screening possible seth members in the process. Once these are pethu-a, they are allowed to attend concerts and go to most official meetings in the council halls. During that time, they can come in contact with interesting seth-ai, and the seth members can get to know them better. It is only forbidden that they enter seth houses before their kahs'wan, when they officially become adults."

"And why did you choose the korsau'a-seth?" "Sarek taught some of the classes I attended. He was interested in me, and made me acquainted with his seth. They accepted me, which was a big honor." "Do you love him?"

"This is not our way of thinking," Spock said. "I enjoy his company, and that of many other seth members."

"But he's more important to you than others?"

"I will not pass judgment on that."

"What about me?"

"You?" Spock looked at him in irritation.

"Do you like me?"

Spock seemed at loss what to answer.

Kirk stopped and pulled Spock close. "Spock, if I told you that I really, really liked you and would love to share some closeness with you, what would you say?" he whispered and then pressed a kiss on Spock's neck.

In a blink of the eye, Spock slipped out of his grip. "You are still pethu'a, and not a member of my seth. It would be unacceptable. We will return to the city - now."

He turned on his heel and left.

Kirk quickly followed him. "I'm sorry, Spock," Kirk said breathlessly. "I can't help it. On my world, we think in couples."

"Then think of me as someone who is occupied."

"With Sarek?"

"With Sarek, with Z'Tei; with many others."

"Who's Z'Tei?"

"He is one of the younger seth members, and an accomplished physicist."

"And he's your lover?"

Spock stopped and faced Kirk. "You don't understand, do you? The seth is a group. We join a group mind. To single out emotions is dangerous. There is no concept of 'lovers'. What you experience in the pethu-ke is the usual level of closeness."

Kirk heaved a sigh. "All right. It's hard for me to imagine. And I find that I'm missing sex. Real sex."

The Vulcan stared down at the ground. "I have no concept of 'real sex', Jim. Let us not talk about it anymore. We need to go back."

They returned to the city and parted at the door of the pethu-ke.

*

Happy that Spock came back for science lessons at all, Kirk accepted Spock's distance and solely concentrated on his work, eager to at least keep the Vulcan as a friend.

Nevertheless, Spock's mood steadily decreased over the next several days; the Vulcan became irascible at the smallest fault on Kirk's part, at one point even shouting at his student.

"You are an idiot." Spock violently pulled the human's notes away and threw them on the floor.

Kirk jumped up. "Dammit, Spock," he yelled back at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? Has it something to do with Sarek?"

Spock wordlessly got up and turned away from him with long strides.

"Please, Spock, I thought we were friends," Kirk said desperately. He hastily followed Spock as the Vulcan walked through the door into the pethu-ke's yard. "What's wrong with you? Can I do anything for you?"

The Vulcan seemed deaf, and so Kirk reached out for him. The body contact made Spock jump. "Don't touch me!"

Kirk hastily stepped back. "Is it Sarek, Spock?" he asked insistently. He was deeply suspicious about this weird relationship, and very concerned about Spock's state.

Spock straightened himself to his full height. "You are...you..." He raised his right arm.

"Spock. He is a child. He does not know." Sarek's voice from behind made Spock stop in the middle of his movement.

"Sarek - what's going on?" Kirk asked with a deep frown, but once again he was left out of whatever was happening. Sarek kept speaking to Spock in quick, quiet sentences, and finally Spock gave Kirk an apologizing glance and walked toward the elder Vulcan.

Sarek took Spock in a possessive embrace, and they left the pethu-ke's courtyard.

"Spock," Kirk whispered behind him. And then, in a sudden decision, he followed them a short distance. He had to know for sure what Sarek was doing to his friend.

The Vulcans went directly to their house. For a moment Spock hesitated at the bottom of the stairs, but Sarek pulled him up further. Kirk clenched his teeth. Damn, maybe Spock was adult, but he didn't stand a chance against the older man. But nobody except for him seemed to worry about this situation.

He walked up the stairs too, and then cautiously peered through the windows. He found them in the kitchen at last. Spock was already disrobed, and now knelt down and opened Sarek's omut. Nausea flooded Kirk as his friend brought Sarek to full arousal by licking and sucking his way up and down the increasingly impressive penis.

The nausea became worse as Spock stood up and leaned over the table, clutching his hands around the edges. It was as much an offering and a submission as Kirk had ever seen, and to watch Sarek penetrate the younger man was just too much too bear. He called them once, twice, but the movie inside kept going on without the Vulcans giving him a single glance during their frantic intercourse.

A hand closed around his wrist. He turned and faced Soral. "Come with me," the Vulcan said earnestly.

"Soral, don't you see what's going on inside?" Kirk pleaded and waved toward the scene.

"I do," Soral said. "This is our way. One day you will understand."

"Dammit, I'm not a kid," Kirk barked, but the Vulcan pulled him down the main road and back to the pethu-ke without hesitation.

"By our standards, you are." Soral released the human's wrist from his almost painful grip. "Do not go to them until we allow you, Kirk. Promise me."

Kirk sighed. "I won't."

Soral nodded and waited until he had entered the pethu-ke.

*

It took a day before Kirk could escape the eyes of the teachers and sneak back to the korsau'a-seth. He didn't for a second take his promise to Soral seriously. He felt there was too much at stake for Spock to keep away, and since he obviously was the only one who saw it, he just had to return to their house.

There was silence in the corridors until he came to the upper level; only there some sounds could be heard through an open doorway. He glimpsed inside, seeing Sarek on his way to take a bath. The Vulcan's back was scraped by nails that had drawn blood, and some nasty dark-green bruises colored the thighs. Kirk hastily retreated from the entry as Sarek turned, but the man didn't step out. Kirk dried the sweat on his forehead and then sneaked along the corridor. All rooms were doorless and empty except for one.

Kirk took a deep breath before he opened it. Even though the room was dark, he could see the chaos and destruction in it. Some of the furniture was in pieces, and clothes lay puddled on the floor. The sole occupant of the room was only visible as a shady figure on the bed. He hastily stepped in.

"Spock, my god, Spock, what has he done to you?" Kirk rasped and shook the young Vulcan whose body showed even more bruises than Sarek's had done. "Spock, wake up. Let's flee."

Spock opened his eyes, and the feverish glance in them took Kirk by surprise.

"You...why are you here...?" the Vulcan whispered.

"I'm going to save you, Spock," Kirk said insistently. "I'm not going to let Sarek harm you."

"Harm...?" The Vulcan sat up. "You don't know what you are talking about, human," he growled. He rushed up and closed his hands around Kirk's neck, shoving him roughly against the nearby wall.

"You have no idea what you are talking about. You're not allowed here!" Spock rasped and pushed Kirk against the wall once more. Then suddenly his voice changed, became softer. "You shouldn't have come here...you are...so...tempting..." The pressure around Kirk's throat got less, and one hot hand caressed down the side of his face, sending burning impulses to his brain. Fire seemed to envelope and flood him as the Vulcan's body drew closer, hot skin pressing against his own. He heard the sound of tearing clothes, and then he moved - they moved, landing on the bed.

"Spock..." Kirk pleaded weakly, but words left him as he was drawn into a glowing pool of want and need, deeply pulled into the Vulcan's world of arousal.

*

When Kirk awoke again, the sun was already high in the sky. Gazing through half-closed lids, he saw Spock sleeping in front of him, and so the body in his back had to be... yes, it was Sarek. And it was just the most natural thing, somehow.

The words echoed in his mind, and then the bed moved under him.

"Come with me," Sarek whispered.

Kirk nodded. Sarek helped him through an open doorway to a nearby room and gently let him down on the bed. After feeding him some water, Sarek took a medikit and checked him out.

"How do you feel?" The Vulcan asked.

"Fine, I guess..." Kirk replied wearily. "Can't seem able to feel my body."

"The pain you would normally feel is damped by the link to us," Sarek said.

"Link...?"

"I had better explain from the beginning," Sarek said and took the bone knitter. "You came to Spock in the midst of his first pon farr. This is a biological cycle every male has to undergo every seven years of his adult life, and which was a mating cycle once. It manifests itself with outbursts of sexual activities on the edge of violence."

Kirk inhaled sharply as Sarek applied the knitter to an obviously broken rib. "And what is this link?"

"It is a bonding of minds."

"Bond? Are you speaking about mind links?"

"Yes. When you entered the room, Spock pulled you into the burning and forged a deep link with you." After a final application, Sarek put the knitter away. "It was a mating bond once, but today we Surak'ai link and share bonds with everyone that belongs to our t'hau-seth, though not necessarily in equal measure."

Kirk swallowed hard and thought about the implications for a moment. "I see...that's why am I linked to you now, too?"

Sarek bowed his head in a gesture of apology. "Yes. To join someone in the pon farr means to fall into the frenzy oneself. When you came in, I had taken a short break because Spock's condition had allowed me to. But when I came back, the fire that was burning high through his coupling with you caught me too."

"So...we're a threesome?" Kirk said slowly.

Sarek nodded. "Yes and no. A fitting Terran terminology for our momentary situation, but we are also linked to the other members of the seth. Vulcans can effectively communicate over the bond, but with you it is mostly emotions being broadcasted and received."

"It's weird, totally weird," Kirk said, but knew that he was in fact exaggerating. It was weird by human standards - it was all fitting and right on this alien world. A wave of warmth went through him, and he blinked. "Spock...?"

"Yes, he is awaking," Sarek said and stood up. "You can come with me now or join us later, but one of us has to go to him."

"I'd like to stay here a bit...and watch, if that's okay," Kirk added and blushed deeply.

Sarek smiled. "Within the circle, there is no shame. Watch if you want."

They went back to Spock, and at first Kirk held back as intended. But seeing the Vulcans engage in the most erotic intercourse he'd ever seen, he couldn't help himself. Protected from the bond that engulfed all of them, his reluctance dissolved as he joined them.

*

Kirk woke to the voices of Vulcans debating next to him. Eyes still half-closed, he reached out for contact. Someone took his hand.

"Jim," a well-known voice said, and he opened his eyes to look at Spock. The Vulcan's hair was sweaty and clung to his forehead, the features tired; but there was a small smile on his lips.

"Spock." Kirk smiled back.

The features shifted into a serious expression. "Why did you do it?"

"I feared for you."

"Feared?" Spock looked over Kirk's shoulder. From the corner of his eye, Kirk could see Sarek standing behind him.

"Why didn't you tell me about the pon farr?" Kirk asked no one in particular.

"It didn't seem relevant for you, as you are not subjected to it," Sarek said.

"It would have been relevant for me. This way, I thought you wanted to harm Spock."

"We need to talk with the council." A Vulcan sat down next to Spock, one hand on the young man's hip. "This is a grave breech of our rules."

"Yes, Z'Tei."

So this was Spock's other preferred lover, Kirk thought, wondering if he'd kept him from joining the two Vulcans in Spock's pon farr. "I'm sorry," Kirk said. "Will there be a trial?"

"Yes, but not you are the accused one - we are," Spock said matter-of-factly. "You are pethu-a. It would have been our responsibility to keep you out of the pon farr."

"The council will decide what to do," Sarek said.

Spock sighed. "Can't it be delayed until tomorrow?" he asked, his head sinking into the cushion. "I would much prefer to spend another day here with you." "My thoughts exactly," Kirk said and moved closer to Spock.

Z'Tei didn't look like he wanted to get up, but Sarek waved him out. The men left the room.

"Will you have problems because of me?" Kirk whispered.

"Possibly, but I doubt it," Spock murmured, putting his free hand on Kirk's hip. "Of course, if you were not human, there might be severe repercussions. But this is a special case."

"Good." Kirk leaned forward and kissed Spock.

"What's that?" Spock stared at him.

"That was a kiss. It's what humans do." He kissed him again, opening his mouth slightly and adding a bit of tongue.

"This is weird," Spock said, before trying it on his own.

"Hmmm," Kirk hummed. "It's perfect."

Spock lifted Kirk's upper leg. For all his obvious exhaustion, he still seemed to have some energy left. Kirk made a happy sigh as the Vulcan entered him cautiously.

After spending another hour of lovemaking, they slipped into an exhausted sleep.

*

With a big yawn, Kirk awoke on the next morning. He quickly noticed that the others were gone; it was to be expected, with what little sleep Vulcans usually needed. He felt sorer than in the past days. Probably the pain-dampening bond was a bit more loose today. The bathroom was across the corridor, and he went there, finding towels and something like shower gel. The water was too cool for his taste, but he adjusted to it. The drops were big and massaged his shoulder muscles as they rushed down on him.

When he was done, he went looking for some clothes. He didn't find any, so he decided to borrow an omut from Spock's drawer. There was a light green one, and he wrapped it around his body before looking for something like a kitchen or a dining-hall.

It was on the lower level, and he found it almost empty, except for Z'Tei and Soral. They interrupted their discussion and turned their gazes to him. "Good morning. Where are Spock and Sarek?" Kirk asked.

"They have gone to the council hall."

"Without me?"

"We would have woken you up in time if you were meant to accompany them," Soral said. "I presume you are hungry. There is fruit in the cupboard behind you."

Kirk opened it and took two of the apple-like ones, then got himself a cup of water and sat down on the table. Z'Tei instantly took his leave, but Soral stayed with him.

"Why are you staring at me?" Kirk asked finally, when he couldn't ignore the Vulcan's gaze anymore.

"Why didn't you trust my words?" Soral asked.

Kirk rubbed his forehead. "Honestly, what I had seen through the window when Spock's pon farr started looked rather abusive to me. And I thought you were trying to help Sarek at the expense of Spock."

"Is that something humans would do to each other?" Soral asked, unable to hide his alarm.

"Yes. Yes, they would." Kirk sighed. "In a way, you all seem so normal and well-known to me. But it's deceptive; we're very different species with a very different backgrounds."

"Indeed." Soral took a sip of his tea. "Let me say this. I have known Sarek for over eighty years, and he is very dear to me. But if I had the impression that he would harm another member of this seth, I would be the first one to pledge for his banishment."

"Banishment?"

"That is the highest possible punishment. Severed from the group bond of your seth and banished from your city, the only way open to you is to go through the jungle. Perhaps you may reach another city and find another seth that will accept you. If not, you will die."

Kirk swallowed hard. "This doesn't sound very peaceful."

"Our society must be preserved. There is no place for people who harm others." Soral got up and cleaned his cup.

"It is very likely that you will become a member of this seth, not really by our choice, but by the act that happened. Remember my words, Jhm Kirk. I will not allow anyone to harm another of the seth."

"I have no intention of hurting anyone."

"Hurt is not just done by physical means, human. Hurt starts in the mind, by thinking the wrong things."

"Ah?" Kirk looked up. "And you think my thoughts are wrong?"

Soral's gaze pierced him. "I think you have much to learn, Kirk, and your action was illogical and endangered the well-being of Sarek and Spock. The council might say they have to make amends for hurting you, but I say that it is you who should make amends by learning how our society works. Your human rules do not work here. It is dangerous to try to impose them on us."

"I understand," Kirk said and took a last bite from the The'lan apple. "So now that this is cleared up between us, can we go and see the council, or don't you want me to show up there?"

"I will bring you there," Soral said.

*

The city council consisted of seven men today; Kirk knew from the political files that the size could be anything from three to fifteen, depending on the importance of the decision. A number of seven was high enough to make him nervous.

Everyone sat around a table, Sarek and Spock with them. They looked serious when they saw him enter the room, Soral in his wake.

"Kirk of Earth," the council chairman said, "please sit down. Soral, too."

"I am Z'Ret nireta-la, second speaker of the council," the old Vulcan said. "Spock and Sarek korsau'a-la have pled guilty for having bonded with a pethu-a while in pon farr.

"Therefore, this council has been called in for your behalf. You are immature by our law, and so we have to ensure that your rights were not violated by them. Please testify as to how you saw the situation and what your thoughts are now."

Kirk cleared his throat. "First of all, it wasn't their fault that I was there. Although I was explicitly forbidden to even come close to the house, I sneaked in and upstairs. I feared for Spock and I was suspicious of Sarek...you must understand, in my culture we don't know about group relationships with such age gaps. I couldn't understand it."

Some brows lifted at his statement, and he felt very alien. "Well, I went into their bedroom and thought I had to save Spock from something - and instead he got hold on me. I had totally misread the situation, but when I began to realize it, I was already...burning. I can't say it better, but I was pulled into that heat and followed without much reluctance. I was drawn to Spock from the first day, but our misunderstandings...my misunderstanding kept him away."

Kirk looked over to his Vulcan lovers, and smiled. "And somewhere in between, I realized that Sarek was with us, too. And it was all right with me. We share a beautiful thing, and I only regret that I didn't take care to work harder at the maturity test, because this now causes this council to be convened. On my world, we are declared mature simply by reaching a certain age, and I am an adult there and have been for several Earth years. The idea to prove my adulthood a second time was not one I easily adopted. But I'll soon be ready for the test, and to become a full member of their seth."

The council had listened in total silence.

"Since you are bonded to these men now by pon farr, you can either be accepted by the seth or all of you would have to leave the seth," Z'Ret stated gravely. "What is the verdict of the korsau'a-seth?"

Soral rose from his seat. "The korsau'ai accept this bond. The human will become a member of our seth once he passes his kahs'wan. Until then, he shall remain in the pethu-ke, but be allowed to come to our house at any time."

Z'Ret looked at the circle of men. The other council members raised their right hands; Z'Ret nodded. "This is our decision: There was no harm done by Spock and Sarek korsau'a-la, and they are absolved of all accusations. Jhm Kirk has to pass the kahs'wan in the next two months to become a member of the korsau'a-seth afterwards. Until then, he will stay in the pethu-ke. He may enter and leave the seth house as he wishes to."

Everyone knocked on the table three times, which reminded Kirk of the academy. Then the council members left, leaving the four of them alone. Kirk felt as if a large weight had been lifted from his mind. "Sarek, Spock," he said, "This was a quick decision. I'm so glad my actions didn't cause real problems for you."

"There is much work to be done," Sarek said as gravely as Z'Ret just before. "Now that we are free to spend time with you, we will intensify your kahs'wan training."

"Great," Kirk said and meant it.

*

The relationship between the three men evolved fairly well, as Kirk was pleased to find in the upcoming weeks, while the climate in the seth was rather torn. Soral barely accepted his existence in the house, and Z'Tei had preferred to journey to the neighboring city of Shi'Rei over staying in the main house. The other three members of the seth who lived here regularly kept to their own business. It was clear that Kirk wasn't yet fully accepted in their midst. Maybe he never would be.

But it didn't really matter to Kirk. In the day time, he was still in the pethu-ke and attending the preparation group for the kahs'wan, but in the evening he went to the seth and would always find one or the other or both to have a good and instructional time with. Tonight he stepped into Sarek's room to find the Vulcan sitting over some old manuscripts. He walked to him and peaked over his shoulder. "What's that?" he asked fascinated and reached out to touch it.

Sarek hastily grabbed his hand. "These are two original manuscripts from S'Numa, one of Surak's first followers."

"And too worthy to be touched by me?" Kirk asked and pulled back.

"You may touch them, but their protective layer is probably toxic for humans."

"I'm sorry." Kirk put his hands on Sarek's shoulders. While he had originally been more interested in Spock, he had soon found out that being with Sarek was fascinating in another way. Spock was often occupied, rushing between scientific experiments in the genetic labs, spending a lot of time on proving his worth and position to the seth and society in whole. Sarek, on the other hand, although he had many duties and was someone many The'lai asked for advice, was also a settled personality, his schedule optimized and still flexible, always leaving some time for a curious human.

He was also the better lover, in Kirk's opinion. Vulcans really didn't have intercourse besides pon farr, but Sarek had had no problem realizing that a human's sexuality wasn't that easily turned on and off. He had no problem crossing the boundary of the usual level of Vulcan closeness and allowed more sexual acts between them. Spock, on the other hand, was still rather disturbed of the whole pon farr business and was not exactly an emphatic partner.

With these thoughts in mind, he massaged Sarek's shoulders. Suddenly, the Vulcan stood up. "Come with me," he said, and Kirk followed him to Spock's room.

Spock was hunched over a padd, immersed in yet more scientific data probably. He looked up from it in surprise as they entered.

"Do no harm," Sarek stated serenely. "Did I?" Spock asked, eyebrows rising. "Yes. And Jim too." Sarek pulled Kirk forward. "Both of you have communication problems over your divergent needs."

Kirk blushed deeply. Spock's face froze.

"I will see that this is rectified now. Spock, how much time did you spend with Jim in the last week?"

"Five hours of science lessons. Half an hour of closeness," Spock said.

"Do you think this is adequate for him?"

"No." Spock stared on the floor.

"Are you unsure of his demands?"

"Yes."

"Please strip," Sarek said to Kirk.

Kirk was so confused that he didn't think twice; he removed the omut. It almost fell to the floor but Sarek captured it and put it aside.

"Humans are sexual beings, much more so than we are." Sarek stood behind Kirk and wrapped his arms around him. His fingers glided over Kirk's chest and down to his genitals. Kirk's lids dropped and he leaned back, not wanting to see Spock's face right now.

"He has less control over his body's reactions at this point than we do. It is in his species; it is not a defect." Sarek stroked him into an erection.

Kirk groaned softly. Now this was a hell of a biology lesson, with him as the subject.

"The penis is the most erotic spot for a male human, and especially the glans. However, it should be moistened with pre-cum or by external solvents before being stimulated."

Pre-cum was readily oozing from Kirk's body as Sarek proceeded with his demonstration. Kirk could feel the muscles in his upper thighs beginning to shiver as the tension rose.

"He loves to be orally stimulated here. He tastes a bit like uze-flower to me; you may taste something different." Kirk gasped as a mouth suddenly engulfed him. Half-opening his eyes, he could see Spock's dark hair. He groaned as his young lover carefully worked on him.

"He also likes his nipples to be stimulated," Sarek proceeded. They were rolled between hot fingertips, and it was difficult not to come on the spot. "All of this is much more comfortable done on a bed." They moved him around and positioned him on his back.

"In addition to the oral stimulation, he is receptive to anal stimulation. Like this..." Sarek knelt between Kirk's knees and bent low to take him into his mouth, while pressing two wet fingers into him. He arched against them, pushing his erection deep into Sarek's mouth in the process.

Spock leaned over to kiss him, long, deep, human kisses with lots of tongue action.

It was heaven. But it wasn't over yet.

Sarek pulled back and said, "Of course, he also likes to engage in intercourse. I found this to be mentally stimulating and arousing, although my body does not react as it does in pon farr. The main point is that it should not feel like a sacrifice to either of you, or the closeness will be connected to guilt, which is harmful over time."

The fingers slipped out of him. Sarek crouched over him, slowly lowering his body over Kirk's erection. Both inhaled deeply as Sarek sank down to the hilt.

"Sarek..." Kirk gasped, lacing his hands with the Vulcan's.

Sarek glided up and down for a while, but just when Kirk was about to come, he slipped away and from the bed.

"As for your personal preferences, Spock, I cannot teach them to you. You must find your own pleasure in these activities and tell Jim about it. There is no sensible closeness without communication."

As if he had just finished a normal lesson, Sarek took his omut and left the room with a nod.

"A hell of a lesson," Kirk gasped. His body shivered, his breathing close to hyperventilation.

"Hell?" Spock asked.

"Don't talk now, please," Kirk pleaded. "I'm almost as hard as during pon farr, and if you don't do anything about it, I'm going to explode."

Spock sat down on him taking the position Sarek had had only moments ago.

"Like this?" he asked.

"Whatever floats your boat," Kirk said, laughing as he noticed he'd said it in English. But Spock didn't ask, only moved, and soon Kirk was far from speaking.

*

After Sarek's little 101 session, Spock and Kirk never again had any sexual problems, and spent a lot more time together. It was on one of those evenings when Kirk decided to go to the pethu-ke after some closeness with Spock that he glimpsed into Sarek's room. Of course it was extremely impolite to do so, and Spock pulled his arm, trying to drag him along.

But the scene in Sarek's room was too erotic not to watch, Kirk thought. Sarek lay in Soral's arms, their muscular legs entangled. Their free hands were centered on each other's face in a mirrored pattern. There was no other activity, just the two men...but the intensity of the situation was so enormous that Kirk felt like grabbing it with his hands.

Finally, he gave in to Spock's insistent pull. "What was that?" he asked in a low voice as they descended the staircase.

"This was a deep mind meld," Spock said.

"Can we do that too?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm not proficient in the mind rules yet. This is not done lightly. Sarek and Soral have done this for over sixty years; I, on the other hand, have only had very few melds with Sarek so far."

"It must be incredible to be able to read the other one's thoughts."

"It is much more than that, and this is why it is dangerous to do one when ill- prepared. But you may ask Sarek for a mind meld. He might be willing and able."

"Yes." Kirk smiled. "I know it was rude, but I've still so much to learn."

"Indeed," Spock agreed, a smile in his features. "Good night, Jim. May you have pleasant dreams."

They parted at the seth door and Kirk walked back to the pethu-ke.

*

In the following week, Kirk once again had the feeling that Sarek was staying away from him on purpose. He couldn't find a reason for this; he was well advanced in his studies now and had passed most of the tests he had to undertake before the kahs'wan from his teaching pethu-ke members.

Maybe he'd spent too much time with Spock, and Sarek felt left out...? No, that was maybe his way of thinking, but not the Vulcan's. Sarek would surely tell him if he missed anything from Kirk.

One day, he came into the seth and found Sarek meditating on his bed. He sat down on a chair next to him and stared at the relaxed face. He...missed him. Yes, he really did. And he was tired of running after Sarek. They had a communication problem too, and he was going to solve it today.

"Jim?" Kirk lifted his head to look in Sarek's eyes. The Vulcan blinked at him, then his lids fell again.

"Didn't want to wake you up - sorry for that."

"Apologies are irrelevant."

"About that, you've been using them with me quite often."

"You are human; they are relevant for you."

"You're always finding a philosophical hole, right?"

Sarek's features mirrored slight amusement even with closed eyes. "Yes."

"May I join you?"

Wordlessly, Sarek moved to the side of the bed. Kirk dropped his omut and lay down next to him.

"I missed you. And I think you're avoiding me on purpose. Why, Sarek? It has something to do with the other human, doesn't it?" Kirk asked quietly. "The human woman. Amanda." It was a wild guess, but when Sarek rolled away from him and on his back, Kirk knew he had been right.

"Why don't you tell me the whole story for once?" Kirk turned onto his side and propped his head on his hand. The other one he placed on Sarek's chest, softly massaging over the lightly haired skin.

"You would not understand," the Vulcan said, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"You know you're always saying that when the topic is morally ambiguous," Kirk said lightly, determined not to get annoyed about the flowery phrase this time. But when he saw Sarek's frown, he knew he had once again pushed the right button. He sat up straight.

"What happened to her, Sarek? Did you kill her?"

"No!" Sarek replied sharply. "No," he said more softly, "I never would have been able to hurt her."

"But you hurt her nevertheless," Kirk second-guessed.

Sarek stood in silence for a while, before meeting the human's eyes. "Yes, I did. It was a decision I -we - had to make, based on logic."

"Tell me, Sarek. The full story. Please."

The Vulcan gave him a thoughtful glance then he slowly nodded. "It was almost the same as with you. There was a space ship that crash-landed in the jungle, and we went to effect a rescue. We found eleven dead crewmembers of various races, and one badly wounded survivor - a human, but we did not know your race then. We brought her to the hospital and there Soral treated her. She would not survive for long, he told us. But then he found something which complicated the situation considerably."

"Complicated?" Kirk asked when Sarek didn't go on with the story.

"She was about to give birth to a daughter."

"But there are no..." The words died on Kirk's lips. "Lord," he said finally. "That's it? You killed the girl? And the mother had to die, too? Just to stay a purely male society?"

Sarek glared at him. "Sometimes, you are so egocentric, Jim. All you see is your small life. This seth has to make decisions that determine all our fate."

"Oh yes," Kirk said angrily, "and it's very easy for you to disregard the rights of the individual. 'The good of the many outweighs the good of the few' - with that sentence you can justify just about anything, can't you?"

Sarek clamped his hand around Kirk's upper arm painfully. "If your Earthfleet commander told you to intercept an alien ship that is threatening your world, and you knew it was a suicide mission, would you go and shoot it at the expense of your life and the alien's life?"

"We're not talking about war," Kirk replied sharply. "We're talking about one small individual of which you were too afraid to let live!"

"We are talking about defending our way of life, and sometimes one has to take painful measures." Sarek let him loose again, fatigue shadowing his features.

"You know what pon farr does to us; the biological drive is much stronger with female mates. In the beginning of our colony, when there were a few women left on The'lan, men began to fight over them. There was no way to reason with them, and so, even before the reproduction center was established, the last woman was murdered in a deadly fight, the leader of the genetics team with her. For many years, we did not know if there would ever be children on The'lan.

"We could not allow the colony to fall back into this frenzy, which would have happened had the girl lived. Even if we had built up a new generation, to reach balance would take a hundred years. The council's discussion went on all night, but in the end the vote was unanimous for the death of the girl. Thankfully, the girl was a premature delivery. The only thing we had to do was not to give every possible medical help. We had no idea about natural birth. I doubt we could have saved her even if we wanted to."

"And Amanda knew about this?"

"Not at the beginning as she was too ill after the birth, but soon after. She came to me and asked...and I could not lie. I tried to make her understand, but she could not. I had not known that the death of a child would hurt the bearer so much. It is not like that with the uzh-shenu, our offspring."

"And Amanda...died soon after?" Kirk mused, his throat somehow tight and dry.

"She lived for another five months, which we tried to make as comfortable as possible for her." The Vulcan stared at the ceiling in silence for a moment. Kirk held his breath, waiting for the conclusion. "But she was never the same again after learning about her daughter's death. I failed her badly."

Sarek turned his head and faced Kirk. "I did not want to be responsible for another human," he said. "That is the reason I avoided you in the beginning. But then you met Spock and joined the circle and became our t'hai'la, and I could not but...care."

Suddenly many things made sense to Kirk. "With Spock, you got a part of her back," he said slowly. "He's the product of her and your genes, isn't he?"

Sarek briefly closed his eyes. "Yes. The decision to use some of her genes for the pool was made together, but Spock is the only one who has defined genetic parents. I called in a favor. A shameful thing to do, and a shameful thing allowing my feelings to rule me like this."

"I see," Kirk said, his mind whirling with weird images of incest that suddenly showed up...Sarek taking Spock in the kitchen at the onset of the younger man's pon farr...Sarek and Spock joining him in bed...two sides of a coin...and somewhere the ghosts of mother and daughter...

He stood up and grabbed his omut. "I'm going for a walk."

Sarek reached out with one hand - then let it drop down again. He didn't say a word, and Kirk left.

*

At first, the situation was hard to handle for Kirk even though he told himself over and over that this was an alien world that had no concept of father and son, and no family to protect by incest rules. He remembered that he'd always felt weird about the age difference and the hold Sarek seemed to have over Spock at times.

He wondered if he should tell Spock anything, but he doubted that Spock would understand his train of thought. The death of the girl was to be expected, given the circumstances, and Kirk couldn't prove they'd actively killed her. That Sarek was genetically related to Spock could have happened by chance. The statistical genetic engineering made sure that the t'hau-seths had no influence on the genetic heritage of the children.

More irritating for Spock would be that Sarek had singled out genes in the breeding process, but, although this was frowned upon, it wasn't a big offense, as the files told Kirk. It could still damage Sarek's reputation, but Kirk had no intention of doing this. The Vulcans had offered him nothing but help; he couldn't pay them back by hurting them.

He returned to the seth the next morning and sat down in Sarek's office.

Sarek was at his console and ignored him for a moment, closing an open message before turning to him. "Jim?" he asked. It was an open question and a peace offering.

"I don't agree with what you did, but I can see your reasoning. That's all I've got to offer."

"That's all I could ask for," Sarek replied. "Let us not talk about this again."

"All right." Kirk rose from the seat and moved to the doorway.

"Will you be here tonight?" Sarek's voice called from behind him.

Kirk stopped in his tracks, one hand on the door frame. "Yes, I think I'll be here," he said, and left without looking back.

*

It was a week after his talk with Sarek, and shortly before his impeding kahs'wan that Spock showed him the little planetary defense center they had. It was relatively hidden and far away from the council hall, and rather meager in comparison to what Kirk was used to from the Earth academy. Lacking any satellites in orbit, the Vulcans could only display objects that were big enough to be scanned from the planet. They talked about the equipment for a while and Kirk suggested some improvements, when there suddenly was an incoming signal that was very well known to him. He switched on some more monitoring systems and finally had a ship on screen that he would have recognized anywhere.

"It's a ship - it's an Earthfleet ship!" Kirk said agitated. "We can hail them and-"

"No," Spock said and stepped between Kirk and the console.

Kirk's jaw dropped. "No?"

"We cannot allow your return," Spock said firmly.

"We...?"

"Our society. All of us. This is our hideaway; all we have are defense shields that hide us from the violent worlds out there. We cannot allow you to return and tell others about us."

"Spock..." Kirk searched for words, "I wouldn't tell anyone. I love you. I love this world. I wouldn't betray you. But I want to go back to Earth, at least for a while. See my girlfriend and my son, my family..."

Spock shook his head. "We cannot allow this."

"Then I'll take it," Kirk rasped and tried to pull Spock away from the console, but the Vulcan easily ended his attempt by enveloping him in a tight grip.

"Spock, they are my people! I want to go back to them!" Kirk pleaded.

"You belong to us now. You cannot go back." Spock pulled him closer. "And I also wouldn't want you to leave us, Jim. I love you."

At any other moment, Kirk would have been delighted over this; right now he despised it. "What kind of love is it that keeps me prisoner here?" Kirk said sharply and drew back from the embrace, retreating to the door.

"Did the same happen to Amanda? Was she just a prisoner, a breeding mare for your genetic pool?"

"Jim," Spock said warningly, but Kirk was already turned around by Sarek, who now pierced him with his gaze.

"Amanda found a new home here - and you are paying us back by betraying us?" the Vulcan asked.

"I wouldn't say a word about this world," Kirk said with clenched teeth.

Sarek shook his head. "You're only a living being - one day you'll be drunk, or simply tired and then you'll drop a hint, just enough to raise more questions. You cannot promise silence."

Kirk looked back at Spock, and on the screen behind the Vulcan the Earthfleet ship slowly traveled out of sensor range. Kirk felt despair rising inside. "Please, Sarek, Spock, if you love me - let me go. You'll hurt me; you'll make me hate you if you keep me away from them."

Two pairs of dark eyes met his gaze, but both were unyielding. "The good of the many outweighs the good of the few or the one," Spock cited. "I am sorry, Jim - we cannot do this."

Kirk sagged against the door frame, clenching his fists on his chest. "I can't believe it. So it was all fake, this happy utopia? Forget about personal freedom of choice?" He raised his gaze again. "Was it funny to tie me into that circle of yours, to bribe me with sex?"

Spock froze; Sarek took a deep breath. "We did not intend to," the elder Vulcan said. "You came to us, if you care to remember. We could have left you out there to die; we could have let you be a prisoner or a slave. Instead, we opened our arms and hearts to you, even as you broke the rules again and again. We gave you time to learn and grow. So you better think twice before you say things like that."

"Thank you so much," Kirk said acidly. "So now my life belongs to you two? I can tell you one thing - from today on, I'll try to get away from this planet."

"If you pursue this goal, you will indeed be handled like a prisoner," Sarek said. He reached out for Kirk. "Thai'la..."

"Don't call me that," Kirk hissed. "My name is Jim Kirk, and yes, you'd better put me in a cell if you want to keep me here."

"I do not understand - what difference does it make now that you know that you are still stranded here, but for another reason?"

"One thing would've been fate. Technical reasons. Nobody would be responsible for it," Kirk said. "But to keep me here is coercion."

The Vulcans exchanged a confused glance. "We keep you here because it is necessary. Is that not fate, too?" Spock asked.

"Oh fuck off with your philosophical excuses, Spock!" Kirk punched his fist into the door frame. "I want to leave, and I can't. And it's not the same for me emotionally if it's a technical reason or your reason."

Sarek straightened. "So you would endanger our society just to satisfy your own wishes?" he said coldly. "Our security is worth nothing to you? How much I have misjudged you, Kirk. I will remedy this."

The Vulcan closed his hand around Kirk's upper arm and shoved him toward the council hall.

*

They didn't even have a cell in the city, so they set up one for him, temporarily, they said, until the council knew what to do with him. The room was four meters by four meters, with comfortable furniture and an adjacent bathroom. Food, juices and water were delivered to him twice a day. He had everything but his freedom, and that made him stroll along the walls of his cage like the panther in Rilke's poem, searching for escape without success.

Days became weeks, and after a while he stopped counting. There were no visitors, as he didn't want to see anyone - especially not his former lovers. The only one he regularly saw was Sepak, the man who brought him his meals and information disks he could read and listen to on the small console they had given him.

He had stopped studying for his kahs'wan. Child or adult, what did it matter now that he was imprisoned? They'd control his life anyway, just as they did now, even if he was allowed to walk around freely. And so he read whatever he liked, soon finding out that the Vulcan novels were boring and moralizing in a way that made him puke.

The science information, in contrast, was interesting and in some areas far above Earth knowledge, not only in genetic engineering but also in energy cell development, producing energy out of very little and thus following Surak's advice of using natural resources wisely and without waste. Today, he just had decided to read some astronomy papers to keep up his knowledge, when the door of the anteroom opened.

"You have a visitor," Sepak said.

"I am not interested", Kirk said sharply, but the unwelcome guest was already stepping near.

It was Spock, a baby in his arms.

Kirk speechlessly stared at it, taking in the baby's light hair color, the long pointed ears, the relatively round eyebrows. And the eyes - they were hazel. He leaned against the bars, stretching his fingers through. "Is that...?"

Spock looked at him, and his eyes shone in pride. "This is a descendent of all three of us."

"Of you, Sarek and me?" Kirk asked in disbelief. "When did you...during pon farr?"

"Yes." Spock rearranged his hold on the child, and now he looked at Kirk, his brown eyes open in curiosity. Small fingers reached out, and for a moment all that Kirk felt was fatherly pride - then his anger boiled up.

"How can you...order a child with my genes in it and not ask me?" he yelled. The sudden loudness shrieked the baby, and he pulled back his small hand, anxiously glancing at his keeper.

Kirk pushed his palms against the bars. "You could've asked me, Spock! I thought you understood me when I talked about my world. We don't see genes as simple usable material! It's private."

In the Vulcan's arms, the baby began to sob. Spock stretched to full length, the happy shine in his eyes substituted by a dangerous glare. "And I thought you had listened when we told you about our world. You are still a child, Jim. And it shows."

"This child is old enough to have fathered two children," Kirk hissed, "and the first one he has never seen, thanks to you. Fuck you, Spock. Take your bastard and leave!"

"I will do so," Spock said icily. At the door he turned. "And if you call him a bastard again, you will regret it."

"Yeah, come and get me," Kirk shouted after him. "To hell with Surak's peace talk. I knew you had it in you! Come back and tell me what you really think! Why not beat the hell out of me?"

The door snapped close behind Spock, and seconds later, Sepak entered.

Kirk met his eyes. "Why are you staring at me?" he barked.

"They say you are ill in your mind, and I did not believe them, but now I do," the Vulcan said and retreated hastily.

Kirk let his head fall back. "Shit." He slowly slid to the ground with his back to the bars. His life was shit, messed-up shit all over. He would go crazy in this cell if they kept him here for much longer. How he hated them. Lord, he didn't know he could hate anyone that much.

*

Something was wrong, Kirk thought in the twilight of his awakening in the middle of the night some weeks later. Something was creeping up inside of him, dangerous, animalistic...alien. He lay on his back, motionless, letting the feeling expand until he knew what it was. The warmth that turned to heat, the pull in every fiber of his body to join *them* - it was the pon farr again. Only four months after Spock's, which didn't fit with what he knew about it, but it didn't matter. They were out there, distant and distanced since the moment Sarek had given him over to the council authority. Shortly after, there had come a special silence in his mind when Spock and Sarek withdrew from the link, closing him out. And after the incident with the baby, the silence only had grown.

That was fine with him. A part of him understood their reason, but he couldn't forget the fact that he had seen the ship - the Earthfleet ship that could have taken him back home to the son he had never seen, to Carol, his mom, his brother... How could they expect him to forget it just because they told him to? No, he wouldn't join them this time.

Whether it was due to the emotional distance or his own resistance, he could fight the pull that his mind sent through his body. Sweat was pouring down his body, and pain was rattling through him, but he felt he could keep away from them, didn't have to follow the unwanted call. Where the pon farr sung a song of desire, he fed the feelings of anger and hatred by calling up the memory of them blocking his way to the Earthfleet ship over and over again. Crouched into a corner and clamping the sheets around him, he sat swaying but was slowly winning the battle.

*

When he opened his eyes again, it was dark in his cell, and for a moment he enjoyed his obviously cooled-down state. But then he realized that he was not alone - someone stood in front of him, panting in the otherwise silent room.

"Jim," the dark figure whispered.

"No," Kirk gasped and hastily got up, his legs like rubber.

But then Sarek was already taking him into a tight embrace. The Vulcan's heat was radiating, sending waves of fire against his defenses. But he wouldn't let him near. He wouldn't love him again.

"Jim." Strong hands began to disrobe Kirk. "Beloved thai'la..."

"Get your hands off me," Kirk shouted and pushed against Sarek, but he had no chance against the Vulcan's strength that seemed doubled by the burning need. He was dragged toward the bed in the wink of an eye and stripped nude in one rough movement that tore his clothes.

"Sarek, please, don't do it..." Kirk pleaded, although he knew that talking reason with a Vulcan in this state was as good as talking to a wall. But even when his legs were spread he was determined to resist as much as possible, clamping his sphincter muscle shut in an attempt to close Sarek out, knowing it would only increase his own pain.

The Vulcan shoved into him without hesitation, ignoring his cry. Hands clamped around his neck and pressed into it, making him dizzy.

"Sarek, you're killing me," Kirk pleaded breathlessly, as the first stars sparkled in front of his eyes. "Stop, stop, fucking STOP!"

His blood rushed in his ears and his heart struggled to pump through the blocked arteries. The Vulcan's hands were unyielding, shutting off his circulation. He bucked against him, but it was totally useless.

Feeling the pain as Sarek began pounding heavily into him, Kirk finally decided that losing consciousness wouldn't be a bad thing, and allowed himself to glide into the welcoming black.

*

Kirk awoke again to find himself in a large bed. It took him a moment to remember the events of the night before and that this was Sarek lying behind him, a stiff penis shoved deep into his body. With a gasp he pulled free, rolled out of the bed and hit the stone floor hard.

The Vulcan sat up with a start. "Jim -"

Kirk breathed raggedly. "Don't come near me," he spat out. "I'll kill you if you touch me again."

Good god, the Vulcan's eyes still had a feverish quality to them that he had got to known so well during Spock's pon farr. Sarek probably didn't even hear him in his current state, being controlled by his animalistic instincts. His only chance was instant flight. Kirk pulled himself up, the burning deep in his ass almost too much to bear, and hurried toward the door.

At his back, a howl resounded. Seconds later wood splintered and then something hard hit him between his shoulder blades. Winded, he fell, captured by the well-known arms just before hitting the floor.

But these arms didn't save him today, and they also offered no hypo; instead, Sarek pulled him back to the half-broken bed, mumbling unintelligible words.

"Sarek," Kirk moaned when he could breathe again. "I'll stay. It's okay, I'll stay."

But once again the Vulcan didn't hear him. Rope tightened around Kirk's wrists and seconds later his hands were tied onto the upper part of the bed's headboard.

"I promise," he pleaded, truly fearful by now. "Sarek, please, set me free."

A thick scarf closed around his throat for a moment, and Kirk panicked - but then it wandered upwards and was pressed between his lips. He opened his mouth reflexively, and the improvised gag was tied instantly, turning his words into meaningless sounds.

Helplessly he had to endure the Vulcan's next bouts of the fever. His hands lost feeling, his body, unfortunately, had not; the pain seared from his ass up to his head, making him sick to his stomach. He barely realized when the door opened at some point during the day, but then he saw Spock with teary eyes. He stirred in his bonds and the tight lock of Sarek who was penetrating him from behind for what seemed like an eternity.

Spock knelt down beside the bed and faced Kirk.

"Jim," he whispered and touched the human's face. "You are fighting him?"

Kirk nodded weakly.

"You need to give in, to join us. All else is dangerous."

Kirk shook his head. This refusal was his last resort, the one thing he still had control over. He would hold onto it with all his might, no matter the pain.

"You might die," Spock insisted.

Kirk shrugged.

"I cannot allow this," Spock murmured and shed his own clothes. Then he touched the human's flaccid penis.

No, Kirk thought frantically, but all that escaped was a sigh. Spock bent forward, and as his mouth closed tightly around the base of his penis, Kirk weakly struggled against the touch. He didn't want to give them this triumph. He wasn't the Vulcans' sex toy anymore. But the expert ministrations undermined his resistance, and the pain dissolved as Spock pulled him, step by step, closer into their t'hai'lu link.

Kirk couldn't escape the orgasm that built up inside of him. At his back, Sarek began to harshly pound into him, but within their link, the lust and need overcame the pain and humiliation. Sobbing into his gag Kirk felt an energy rise in his abdomen, the tension and the intensity of every touch, Spock's tongue on his cock and Sarek's cock massaging his prostate, and he shifted with them now, pushing and pulling in the triad's rhythm.

Another lick over his glans, and it was over; he came and came and came, banging his head against Sarek's shoulder and his own arms which prickled from the lack of circulation. He sobbed as he resurfaced from the drowning waves, feeling helpless and used and horny all at once. It was too much of everything, he found, and he frantically pulled at his bonds just to find Spock had removed them.

Spock took him into his arms and carried him to the bathroom, removing the gag after placing Kirk down on the floor.

"I apologize for being late," Spock said. "But you should not have fought him, Jim. He might have killed you." He put his arm around Kirk's shoulder, but Kirk pushed him away.

"Don't...don't you touch me. What'd you think you did there? Making me come when I didn't want to...pulling me into the link." Kirk crouched away from Spock. "Fuck you. I didn't want to be here. Sarek only raped my body, but you did the same with my mind, didn't you?" He leaned his head against the edge of the toilet seat in exhaustion.

Spock stared at him. "Jim..."

In the other room, someone was moaning.

"I will explain later," Spock said hastily, and left for his awakening thai'la.

Kirk wordlessly stared after him. This was hell. Hell was hot. Vulcan was hot. They were the devil in the end. Peace...fuck peace...

He stood up, his legs barely supporting him. The mirror showed a face covered with blue and yellow bruises. His body didn't look any better. Tumbling he climbed into the washing unit and set the level to maximum effect. His eyes closed again as he sank onto the floor of the small cubicle, drifting into numbness.

*

His world was brown, the earthy, warm brown of Spock's bedroom in the seth. On second thought, his world was red like the pulsing circle of pain in his lower body. His lips were split and dry, his body unattended to but at least clean under the smooth sheet. Shakily he pulled himself up. There was only one thought in his mind: to escape his abusers. He dragged himself into the corridor where he leaned his head weakly against the wall, trying to use its coolness to focus his thoughts.

Low voices sounded in Sarek's bedroom. Kirk began to listen, trying to decipher the discussion. They were too far; he had to get closer. One step, another one. It wasn't really his body moving, it was the body of someone else, and he only pulled its strings. Another step. Some blood trickled down his nose as it began to bleed. He licked it up with his tongue, smearing the fluid all over. Then he peeked into the room.

Sarek sat cross-legged on the bed, Spock huddled at his side, holding him protectively in his arms. Facing them, Soral stood with hands laced in front of his chest.

"You should consider dissolving the link," Soral said.

The Vulcans on the bed looked at him in a silence that was so long that Soral lost his composure. "What you are doing is illogical and dangerous." He unlaced his fingers and let his arms fall to the side. "You both care too much about him. You are losing your objectivity. You are compromising your c'thia."

Sarek briefly closed his eyes. Spock looked up. "We tried to quiet the connection to the human. As you can see, the result is not as intended."

"Then your situation is worse than I surmised," Soral said. "You need to go to a healer to dissolve the link permanently."

The lovers kept silent again.

"Sarek," Soral said and sat down next to him. "We have been t'hai'lu for a long time, and you know my concern is sincere. Why do you risk this? The human is not grounded, not an adult. And worse, he does not work to grow. His energy is destructive." He laced the fingers of his right hand with Sarek's one and pulled it up to his mouth, placing a soft kiss on the back of it. "And he is not T'Amanda, Sarek," he added in a low voice. "He may be of her race, but he is not her and will never be."

Sarek's fingers tightened around Soral's. "That is not the reason, Soral."

"Then what?" Soral asked, but his friend fell quiet again. He shook his head and got up. "I am done with you for now. Talk to me when the pon farr is over and you have both become reasonable again," he said unusually sharply. "One last thing, though. What will you do with Kirk now? He should be attended to."

"I ... yes ..." Sarek's voice traveled off in indecision.

The moment seemed fitting for Kirk who bent forward to peer around the corner. "If someone just gets me back to my cell, I'd be happy enough," he said. His body made another step forward, but he had to hold the door frame to not crumple to the floor.

"Jim," Spock said and hastily rose from the bed. Sarek, in contrast, avoided his gaze.

"Don't come near, Spock," Kirk muttered. On his lips, the taste of fresh blood fed him some badly needed energy. He wouldn't falter again in front of them. "I only want to get out of here. And if you're going to break the link, that's fine with me. I'd rather kill you both than to endure another pon farr."

He backed into the corridor and tumbled down the stairs. At the front door, Soral went to him. "Wear this," the Vulcan said and offered him an omut.

"Nobody will know what happened?" Kirk murmured caustically, but put on the clothing. Soral's arm closed around his shoulder in an attempt to support him, but he panicked and shook himself free. "Don't touch me!" Disoriented he sidestepped Soral and crashed against the already half-opened door. His legs went rubbery again and he would have fallen if not for Soral.

"I will bring you to the hospital. Now!" the Vulcan stated and lifted him effortlessly.

Kirk punched and struggled against him, feeling the terrible helplessness again on being so easily overpowered, but Soral seemed to be made of iron. With not even as much as a flinch he carried the swearing, fighting human to the healers, leaving visibly astonished Vulcans on their way.

*

There were five steps along each wall, and seven steps when he walked the diagonal line. He wasn't like a panther in a cage anymore; he was becoming him faster and faster, losing his human side.

He had wanted to bring Sarek before the council, but the files had told him that there was no such thing as rape when the partner was in plak tow, the deepest state of the pon farr. Obviously, the biology was so dominant at that point that a Vulcan partner would always be willing.

Well, he hadn't been.

They had sent a healer to dissolve the link, but the man had given up after half a day. Obviously, the bonds from not only one, but two pon farrs were so entwined in Kirk's chaotic human brain that the healer was unable to remove them without damage. He felt it wasn't an acceptable risk. A second healer also agreed with the recommendation that they remain bonded.

Kirk hated to hear that, but hadn't wanted to become a psychotic vegetable either.

Five steps forward, five steps back. Maybe he had become that vegetable anyway.

He was out-maneuvered. He wouldn't be able to get away from this planet without somebody's help. Maybe he'd get out of the cell if he tried really hard, but how far could he get? Everybody knew everyone around here; it was a village by human standards.

In the end, Kirk's resistance crumbled. He needed to get out of the cell, whatever the terms. "Sepak - would you please tell Spock that I need to speak to him?"

*

Spock didn't come alone; Sarek came with him. It was the first time since the pon farr that Kirk met the man who had abused him so badly, and for a moment he clenched his fists to control the fear and nausea that rose in him. But then he released the tension, realizing that there was no way to get Spock without Sarek, at least not right now.

"Spock, Sarek...I need your help. If I stay here much longer, I'm going to go mad. Is there any way I can get out? Maybe if I swear not to try to flee again?" Kirk looked at them pleadingly.

Spock stole a glance at Sarek. "The council does not believe you to be trustworthy, Jim" the elder Vulcan said. "Besides, you are still a child by our law."

"The council has never talked to me," Kirk said frustrated. "Why couldn't I plead my case in front of them?"

Both Vulcans raised their brows in synchronicity. "You could have talked to them any time, Jim," Spock said. "You just had to ask."

Kirk sat down heavily. Good god, now he knew why, on Earth, the police would always read the arrested their rights. "I ... haven't tried to speak them. The verdict sounded like a life sentence."

"A verdict rules until the day that logic says it is fulfilled or the circumstances have changed," Spock said.

"Alas," Sarek said, "I do not believe you can change Soral's mind, and the council will probably follow his advice."

"What about your advice?" Kirk asked.

Sarek avoided his gaze briefly, then said, "I have stepped back as speaker."

"So I will have to stay in here forever?" Kirk asked in desperation. "In that case, I would prefer execution."

"No, Jim. But we would have to vouch for you, and once again assume the care of you."

Kirk hesitated. "And would we get the child to live with us?"

The Vulcans looked alarmed. "It is not our way to let children grow up in such a limited surrounding," Spock said.

"You fear he would begin to love his family," Kirk said accusingly.

The Vulcans exchanged a quick glance, then Sarek shook his head. "There is no such thing as family, Jim. Semek will grow up like all the others, in his group of peers."

"Good god," Kirk said and looked at the ceiling. Then it struck him hard. "What's his name?" he asked in disbelief.

"We call him Semek," Spock replied. "I remembered that your brother's name was Sem, and I wanted you to feel ... at home." He lowered his gaze. "I apologize if this causes you pain."

Kirk swallowed hard. "No," he said in a low voice, "it's just unexpected ... but not painful." If anything, it was a gesture from Spock that spoke about love, even though the Vulcans didn't want to admit to that feeling, and also not to the exclusiveness that came with it. They feared for the right reasons - there was no way to love without wanting to possess, in Kirk's point of view.

*

At first Kirk was simply unbelievably glad that they had gotten him out of that cell only four days after their last talk. But when they rode the flitter in silence with him not into the direction of the korsau'a-seth but into the outskirts of the city, he finally asked, "Where are we going?"

Sarek's gaze remained on the road, his hands clamped around the steering wheel. Spock was looking outside absent-mindedly.

"Spock - where are we going?" He shook him.

Spock turned his head. "Home, Jim."

"And where is home? Not...the seth?"

Spock's face clouded. "No. The seth no longer accepted our choice of you. Therefore we decided to start our own seth."

"Our own seth?" Kirk asked. "Just the three of us?"

"For now, yes." Spock nodded.

"Sounds good to me," Kirk said.

Silence fell upon the little group again, until they reached the house. It was a two-storey house, small by seth standards, but it would be large enough for the three - hopefully soon four - of them, Kirk thought when he climbed out of the car.

"I can't quite believe that I'm out of that hole," he said and stretched his arms wide. "Lord." He deeply inhaled the fresh air, shouting "Wooohooo!"

When he turned, Spock and Sarek were standing behind him, their faces serious and tired.

"I'm sorry if it caused you pain," Kirk said, suddenly serene. "But you saved my life. I'll try to make up for that."

"You are bonded to us. Parted and never parted. And now, our oaths bind you and your behavior binds us," Sarek said gravely. "Fail, and all of us will."

*

For the first few weeks, Kirk wasn't allowed to leave the immediate area of the house. He accepted that, knowing that he could only rebuild their trust by following the rules. He busied himself in the house, doing some cooking; anything was better than going back to the cell.

They had separate sleeping rooms, and his had even a door, so he could retreat whenever he wanted. However, now that he was living with them again, it was hard to keep his distance. He missed the times of closeness, but didn't know where to start rebuilding this part of their relationship. The next pon farr would undoubtedly come sooner or later - until then, he needed to learn to love them again, or it would be hell all over.

Sometimes he sat in their office, usually alone; Spock worked a lot in the genetic laboratories, and Sarek was busily rebuilding his reputation that had taken major damage over the affair with the human. Kirk was somehow sorry about it, but didn't feel that he could've done anything different. In the office, there were the two S'hariens hanging on the wall; he'd been very surprised to see them, but Sarek had explained that they were a kind of loan.

Possibly Soral thought they needed special reminders of the brutal past, Kirk thought sourly, now that they were alone with an uncontrolled human.

Spock came home unexpectedly early one day, only briefly looking into the office and about to go on his way when Kirk's call stopped him.

"Spock. Do you want something to eat?" Kirk rose from his chair and joined Spock in the corridor. "You look tired." "We had problems today; we lost some of the uzh-shenu."

"The babies. I'm sorry to hear that," Kirk said sincerely.

"It is the loss of potential we mourn, not the loss of life per se," Spock said and stared down at his hands as if he had murdered them personally.

"I know." Kirk touched Spock's shoulder, something he hadn't done for a long time.

Spock looked at him wearily. "Jim -"

"Just wanted to offer some comfort," Kirk said and pulled back. "Sorry if it's unwelcome."

"No." Spock shook his head. "It...would be very welcome, by me, at least. It's just that..."

"...You're not sure if I really want it."

"Yes."

Kirk swallowed. "I missed you. I tried to ignore it, but I can't any longer. There's the bond; it won't ever go away again, and when we're close I can't help but want more of you."

"And what about Sarek?"

"Same effect. Though there's a still lot of fear connected to him. But we'll handle it some day, I'm sure."

Kirk offered his hand. "Please, Spock."

Without another word, Spock took his hand and they went upstairs to the Vulcan's room. When Spock wanted to remove his omut, Kirk shook his head.

"Let me do this," he said and slipped his fingers into the fabric. He slowly opened it, cherishing the feel of the hot skin beneath. When the Vulcan was nude, he moved him to the bed and onto his stomach before reaching for the massage oil. The strained muscles welcomed Kirk's ministrations, and he worked his way down from the neck to the hips and up again. Spock quickly relaxed under his touch, the strain disappearing from his features.

Until a few moments ago, Kirk hadn't realized how starved for closeness he had really been; but now, it was like a wave of craving crashing down on him in one big rush. It flooded his mind and body...and flowed into Spock. Kirk lost his grip; they moved, not sure how exactly, and then there were fingers on his face and he welcomed it, his hands blindly searching for Spock's body. As they sank down, Kirk sank into a meld of a kind he hadn't known before. It was like diving into deep water; there was mostly darkness but it was soft and peaceful. There was a little light in the distance, and as it came closer, he felt his dream body being drawn to it as if they were both magnetic. They crashed; they merged. Thoughts died and doubled, vanished and resurfaced...his thoughts, Spock's thoughts, feelings, emotions... They were one. All was one. The light enfolded them and then became dark, darker than anything he'd ever known, darker than space, a black hole in his mind and they fell into it and fell and fell...

...and someone shouted his name at him, reaching out a hand...pulling him out of the depths...

...and Kirk opened his eyes to the darkening room to see Sarek bending over him.

"What's wrong?" he asked in confusion. "Spock?" He looked at his side to meet Spock's gaze, but the Vulcan looked as haggard as he himself felt.

"You were in a deep meld and unable to emerge from it," Sarek said. He sank back on his heels, his arms sagging to his sides in visible exhaustion. "I found you like that almost two hours ago."

"And it took you that long to bring us back?" Kirk asked.

"Yes." Sarek was about to get up when Kirk held him back with shaking fingers. "Don't go." "Jim, you are..."

"Come here." Kirk moved further onto the bed, until Spock made more room for them, and pulled Sarek close in an unambiguous gesture.

"Thank you," Kirk murmured and put his arm over Sarek's hip. After a moment of reluctance, Sarek cradled him in his arms.

"Sarek, thai'la," Spock whispered at Kirk's back, and another arm reached over him.

Entwined like this, they slipped into an exhausted sleep.

*

When Kirk awoke, he was alone; he'd half expected it, but it hurt him nevertheless. They had even brought him to his own room, and he felt...discarded. They only wanted the best for him - they just didn't always get what that might be. Communication brought you only so far when you lacked a common base.

He went to the window and looked out. The day was going to be bright and sunny. It didn't match his feelings at all. For the first time, he really craved going to not only the small garden, but to step out onto the streets and wander through the city. But he wasn't allowed to yet...he was still a prisoner.

He sank down on the bed again, burying his face in his palms. He wanted to get away from the planet so badly that it hurt. He wanted to see Carol again, and his son. He wanted to see both sons, actually, but Semek was in the kan'bu-ke, the babies' shelter, and Kirk hadn't seen him since the day Spock had brought him along to his cell.

The only way to see Semek would be to teach in the kan'bu-ke, but Kirk doubted that they'd let him in there, being no adult and a member of the new, weird akansu-seth, the alien seth.

He spent the day in troubled thoughts, planning his possible escape. Sarek once had said something about two little emergency space ships; he'd found out shortly before his imprisonment that they were stationed only about two kilometers away from their current house. They hadn't been used in over two hundred thirty years, but were reported to be in good condition and should be able to take him at least as far enough into space to cross possible Earth ship paths. At the moment, Sarek had locked all files regarding them, but Kirk was positive that he would be able to handle them...if he could reach them at all.

In the midst of his musing, the main door opened and someone called his name. Kirk, who'd just been in the office, hurried into the corridor.

"Z'Pal!"

They embraced and hugged each other.

"Oh god, it's so great to see you again," Kirk said, smiling broadly.

"I heard so many stories about the disturbing human, I wanted to see for myself how you are," Z'Pal said and held him at arm's length, eyeing him from top to bottom with a judging look. "You look older and thinner, Jhm. Not content."

"No." Kirk shrugged. "You're looking older too, but in a good way. More serious, more adult. Come in and share water with me, old friend."

They went into the kitchen and sat down over two glasses of the fresh liquid.

"So, they're telling stories about me?" Kirk asked. "I thought gossip was bad taste."

"Ever since you came here, you were the most interesting news, Jim," Z'Pal said. "Many were curious and came to me with questions."

"They never asked me."

"Oh, that would have been in very poor taste."

Kirk smiled.

"So...Sarek and Spock left their seth for you. They must be very ri'a'si about you."

"They didn't have much choice; obviously, you can't get a pon farr bond out of a human's mind," Kirk said. "I don't think they would have done it otherwise."

"They feel for you."

"Do they?"

"Yes. From the first moment on, I knew that you were special to Sarek."

"And I paid it back very badly." Kirk stared at his glass.

"They said you wanted to leave the planet...?"

"I wanted to go home." Kirk looked up into the dark eyes of his former pethu'a. "Is that so hard to understand? They lied to me when they told me I couldn't go home."

"They only omitted one of the reasons."

"And that's not a lie?"

Now it was Z'Pal's turn to stare down at his glass of water. "I'm not one of the korsau'la. I only work in vegetable production. I may not agree with all the decisions that are made, but I must trust in them."

"If it were your decision...would you let me go home?"

The Vulcan took a deep breath. "Yes."

"Would you help me to get away from here, Z'Pal?"

"Do not ask that of me, Jhm."

"I'm slowly dying here. You all tried very hard to make it my home, but it's not working. I'm not born for the kind of life I'm leading here."

"What about Sarek and Spock?"

"Once I'm gone and the bond is stretched thin because of the distance, they can go back to their seth and return to their former, better life. They are suffering too. Maybe it would've been best if I had died in the crash, but I didn't. I just made everyone unhappy, including myself," Kirk said gloomily. "They should've killed me."

Z'Pal frowned deeply. "We do not take life. Ever."

"Then stop my suffering here. Help me to get away. Please, Z'Pal."

Z'Pal heaved a sigh. "I will consider it, Jhm. Give yourself more time. You are still not an adult; resume your training and maybe you will find your place here. From all that I have heard, Spock and Sarek care very much about you. More than they should have; more than you could ever have expected them to."

"And if it doesn't work out? Will you help me then?"

"I...maybe. I will return in a month to see how your life is then. This is all I can promise." Z'Pal reached over the table, and Kirk took the offered hand in a tight grip.

"That's all I can ask for, Z'Pal."

*

Z'Pal wasn't the only guest. Over time, some members of Sarek's and Spock's former seth showed up too after a few weeks had past. Soral came once in a while, and at these times, the entrance to Sarek's room was closed by a red, opaque curtain, making Kirk wonder if Spock had told Sarek the story about him watching one of their deep melds. Or maybe it was just that Soral didn't feel comfortable with a human in the house; the Vulcan didn't ever give him more than a simple nod when he came and left, ignoring him for the most part.

They began to join in the normal activities too, and although Kirk still wasn't allowed to leave the perimeter of the grounds on his own, Sarek and Spock took him into the city for shopping and once to a concert. It took place in the council hall, and he was so relieved to see people greeting the Vulcans at his side that he barely registered that some also greeted him. They took their seats and were well into the the evening when a new singer appeared. He had long blond hair, a color Kirk hadn't ever seen among the Surak'ai.

"The singer's name is Ts'Amal," Sarek whispered. Kirk gazed at the stage - so was that another person with some of Amanda's genes? How must it feel to Sarek to have a prominent reminder of his failure before his eyes? Or did he rather remember some of the nicer moments spent with Amanda, of which Kirk was very sure that they had had?

The voice was beautiful, rather high for a Vulcan and well-modulated, and the song was livelier than the average Vulcan score. For once Kirk leaned back and fully enjoyed the performance...until he realized that it was "Auld Lang Syne". It was a weird version and the pitch was not quite as it should be, but nevertheless, it was an Earth song.

He felt like his heart was being torn out. Clamping his hands in his lap, he forced himself to stay calm, but he could feel some tears dwelling up. This wouldn't do, not here, not now.

A hand enfolded his, and the pain grew less sharp in an instant. Kirk met Sarek's eyes. He had often wondered if they manipulated him, on a low level and always with best intentions, but this was the first real proof. They were taking away his pain - they were taking away his memories.

"We only come to help," Sarek whispered, tightening his grip over Kirk's hands as if to seal the statement.

Kirk shook his head, slowly. No, this wasn't a good excuse anymore. He wanted to get out of the hall, but Sarek's hand didn't let go, so he had to sit through the rest of the concert. They walked the long way home separated by several meters of distance between the Vulcans and Kirk. Sarek and Spock debated in a quiet voice and in a dialect Kirk didn't understand. He hated it when they did that.

Suddenly having had enough, he turned and shouted, "Stop it."

They froze. The few other Vulcans on the street turned their heads also, but quickly looked away again as if apologizing for their curiosity.

"Jim, calm down," Sarek said serenely.

"Why should I, when you're talking about me behind my back," Kirk glared.

"We were talking not about you, but about a possible thai'la for us," Spock said. "We know that this is not a theme with which you are comfortable, so we didn't want to inform you too early."

"Inform me that you're going to take a new lover?" Kirk wanted to kick a stone, but it was hard with open sandals. "Nice."

"Our seth is too small. We need to grow," Sarek said.

"Why would anyone want to join the akansu-seth? Not because of me, that's for sure."

"I got to know pethu'a Saten when I was supporting the genetics lessons lately," Spock said. "He was the young Vulcan we spoke to before we took our seats tonight. He is very interested in genetics and would be compatible."

"To you."

"To all of us. He is interested in the human genome."

"You already have it. Or do you need some more sperm?"

Sarek and Spock exchanged glances. Then they started walking again and passed Kirk without another word.

"Hey," Kirk shouted after them. "I don't care what you do. Fuck who you want."

They disappeared in the distance, two straight figures - he was left alone on the street. They were still far from home, and there was the perimeter rule; but this was maybe the best and only available moment to take a look at the emergency ships.

Knowing where his goal was approximately, he took the next street to the right and ran into the darkness.

*

The ships were easy to find - after all, they were intended for emergency use. They had a unique style with a bow on top, like a handle for some giant to pull them up. Kirk had no idea it was used for. He carefully walked around them from a distance; Vulcans usually didn't guard anything, but with him in the same city, they might have changed the rules here. However, nobody showed up.

The hulls were of a bronze color and had some dark brown signs. He tried to memorize them; they faintly reminded him of something, but he wasn't sure of what. He had seen those signs in the past...they were part of the kahs'wan curriculum! Of course, it made sense to teach the emergency procedure to everyone in the city (even though he remembered now that Z'Pal had joked about it, saying that nobody would ever need it).

Kirk balled his fists and laughed out loud. So this was his way out of here - the kahs'wan!

He went back home to the seth, running most of the way although he knew he would be late. He stormed through the door and upstairs, and only when he stood at the entrance of Sarek's room, where the Vulcans sat on the bed, he calmed down.

"Spock - Sarek - I'm sorry," he said, and sank to his knees. Offensive was the best defensive, he had been taught. It was time for that.

"I'm late because I had to think about everything. I apologize for my behavior in the street. It was rude and offensive. I've been discontent and angry a lot in the last few months, unable to really adjust to the situation. I want to change this.

"Let me return to the kahs'wan studies. I forgot many things, but I'm willing to learn them again. Let me become an adult and find my way in this society. And I want to be a full member of this seth, no longer the unstable human you need to pamper all the time. I accept that you want to take in new members, as long as my wishes are respected in the traditional way."

The Vulcans' gazes rested on him, and when he stopped to take a breath, they looked at each other.

"This is an unexpected change," Sarek said cautiously.

"I know. But I'm tired of being the kid that has to be led around by the nose. And it's my fault that I ended in this situation."

"You cannot return to the pethu-ke," Sarek said. "We would have to teach you what you need."

"Fine with me," Kirk said. He got up and sank down on his knees in front of them again. He'd seen this gesture in old paintings, as a peace offering to the matriarchs. He could only hope it would work with Sarek too.

"Give me your thoughts," Sarek said - the traditional answer of the ritual.

"Yes," Kirk said and offered his face. When Sarek's fingers touched his melding points, he thought of the kahs'wan and of better times with his lovers. He also thought a bit about Z'Pal's advice with the kahs'wan and Semek whom he wanted to see so badly.

When Sarek broke the rather superficial meld, Kirk looked at him, expecting to be called on his duplicity, but Sarek seemed satisfied with what he had seen.

"I will talk with your former pethu-ke and see what your level of achievement was, then we can set up a new schedule for you. Spock could help you with the physical training - he has set up some lessons for Saten already. You might join them."

"That would be wonderful," Kirk said and smiled.

*

He spent the night alone in his room again, but didn't mind it for once. He'd begun to build the bridges anew and he hoped it wouldn't take long to show some results. In the morning, he removed the door of his room, putting it in a corner of the storage room; it just didn't fit in a seth. It was before midday that Sarek called him to the office and showed him his new console; it had all necessary rights for the kahs'wan curriculum. Kirk almost couldn't believe that it was so simple, but the emergency procedures for the ships were right there in front of him. For the first time in a long while, Kirk was happy.

The physical training together with Saten started in the afternoon. Saten was about Kirk's height but slim as all the Vulcans, with dark-blond hair; another of Amanda's offspring, Kirk thought. He was about seventeen, had a quick intelligence and seemed seriously interested in humans. Well, maybe only humans' genoms, but it was a start. Saten wasn't easily confused by Kirk's jokes and illogical remarks, and they had quite a good time. Spock had become a proficient teacher by now, demanding but fair. He quickly analyzed their weaknesses and told them how to correct them. When the sun went down, Kirk was totally spent but also felt better than he had in a very long time.

After parrying a last attack by Saten, who incorporated a sehlat (not that any of them ever had seen one of those mystical beasts, but he did a great job imagining one), Kirk sank down the ground. "I give up," he croaked, fighting for air. "Enough."

Saten smiled, one of the broadest smiles Kirk had ever seen from a Vulcan. Somehow, if there hadn't been those ears and eyebrows, Saten could just as well be his younger brother. Maybe that was what Spock saw in him...?

"Do you need help?" Spock asked, offering his hand.

Kirk took it and was easily uplifted. "We look like pigs," he said. The Vulcans looked somewhat mystified, and so he added, "An earth animal. Lives in the dirt. Fine ham." He'd almost forgotten the taste of meat, but it came back to him now, and he sighed. "Never mind."

"You eat animals on your planet?" Saten asked.

"Yes, we do. We have also vegetarians, people who don't eat meat, but most do."

"I told you they live very differently," Spock said to Saten. "Do not underestimate this."

The boy nodded and gave his kahs'wan knife to Spock. "I need to get back to the pethu-ke. Thank you, teacher." He bowed to Spock. "Thank you, prey," he added to Kirk with another grin and then walked away.

They looked after him for a moment. "What is your judgment?" Spock finally asked, his hand a warm spot on Kirk's hip.

"I think I can like him."

"You think?"

"I like him." Kirk leaned back and reached with his arms around Spock. "Not half as much as I like you, but I like him." Man, he was horny. Hornier than he'd felt in months. He wondered if Spock could pick it up and if he'd do anything about it; the Vulcans, for all the closeness they'd attempted to share with him in the last time, both hadn't crossed the line to what Kirk called 'real sex'.

Spock pressed a short, dry kiss on Kirk's neck. A start.

"Yes," Kirk whispered.

"Let's go inside," Spock said roughly and took him by the hand.

They barely made it into the shower in time.

*

After this, things went rather well with Spock again. When they were together, Kirk could almost imagine that there'd never been the time in the cell. He didn't miss the korsau'a-seth; he'd never been at home there. This house was as good as any for him.

The relationship with Saten was good, and he began to be able to see the boy as an addition to their seth, once Saten was through the kahs'wan which would be within the next two months, the same timing Kirk was aiming for. Kirk wasn't sure if he'd like sharing Spock so much, but he remembered that he'd found it arousing to watch Sarek being close to someone else. He'd also never been jealous of Sarek and Spock's relationship ever since their first pon farr. Maybe the bond just didn't allow for regular human jealousy, and it was mostly his anticipation of having a problem with new seth members that caused it, even though it wasn't grounded in reality.

Over all his current happiness and kahs'wan learning, however, Kirk never forgot that he'd restarted the lessons mainly to gain information about the emergency shuttles. They were relatively simple to handle; the hardest thing was the unusual lettering. They were a lot older than he'd expected, and he began to wonder if they'd fly at all when he started the engines. They needed about thirty minutes to warm up; that could be a long time if someone was on your heels wanting to hold you back. And he would have only one try; after that, they'd probably send him back to the cell.

The vision produced a shiver down Kirk's back. That was the last thing he wanted. He should have a backup plan of suicide, because the Vulcans would rather let him sit in a cell for a hundred years than to give him a quick coup de grace.

He looked up from his screen as he heard sounds outside. But instead of the expected Saten, it was Z'Tei. Kirk frowned. For months, Z'Tei had kept away from Spock because of him. So why did he show up now? The Vulcan crossed fingers with Spock, talking at him in quick sentences. Behind him, Kirk heard soft steps. "Sarek, do you know what Z'Tei wants from Spock?"

"No." Sarek gazed outside. "Most likely he wants him for some of his new projects."

"I thought Spock specialized in genetics now."

"We do not believe in specialization. Z'Tei is a great physicist and to work in a project with him would be good for Spock's further studies."

"He doesn't like me," Kirk said.

"You took his place when Spock's pon farr came," Sarek said. "He had been his other chosen partner."

"Thought so." Kirk stared at them, realizing that he still could feel jealousy - unfortunately.

"Jim," Sarek said softly. "He has less than he wanted, because of you. Even a Vulcan can harbor such emotions once in a while. Therefore, we understand that you might experience jealousy to a higher degree than we do."

"Are you reading my mind?"

"No, but your feelings were rather strong for a moment." Sarek put his hands on the human's shoulder. "Jim...I offer closeness."

"Because you want to please me or because you want it yourself?" Kirk asked.

"For both reasons," Sarek replied. "We do not spend much time together anymore except for lessons."

Kirk stared at the screen. "I...wasn't sure if you wanted more. I was pretty harsh to you for a while."

"I deserved it."

"No. You couldn't work against your nature. It was me who made the mistake. We could've both died from it."

Sarek's hands stroked his neck, brushing through his short hair. "Let us not talk about the errors of the past, Jim. Let us work on our future."

"I would like to." Kirk turned and rose from his seat. "Very much, Sarek."

They walked to Sarek's bedroom together and undressed each other. It was Kirk who began to explore Sarek as if he hadn't known him before; licking his way from the pointed ears down to the neck; from the neck down the left shoulder and to the left nipple; from there, down the stomach and up again, carefully staying in the traditional area.

"Go further," Sarek whispered.

"What?"

"Do as you would with a human. Please."

"I've never been with a human man," Kirk said. "But I imagined what it might be like..." He sank to his knees and licked over what was visible of Sarek's genitals. With the penis sheathed in the body, they were but a little fold in the flesh, looking more like a vagina at first sight. But to his surprise, the penis began to unfold under his ministrations. He looked up at Sarek, but the Vulcan only shrugged, a smile in his eyes. Encouraged, Kirk bent forward and began sucking on whatever showed up from the flesh. It grew larger and larger and soon was of the normal length for a human. But instead of stopping, it grew further. Kirk let it slip out of his mouth and touched it with his fingers.

"I didn't remember that it was so large," he said in astonishment.

"It always was. But in pon farr, one does not feel real pain."

"Usually," Kirk couldn't help adding, but without edge.

"Usually," Sarek agreed. His hands were on Kirk's head now, brushing through the brown strands.

"I thought Vulcans didn't get an erection except during pon farr."

"Usually not. But with a higher body control, it is attainable."

"This sounds as if you practiced for me," Kirk said, amused.

Sarek showed another telling smile. "Do not speak - proceed."

No further encouragement was necessary; Kirk instantly sucked the member as deeply as possible into his mouth again, then slowly let it slip out so that he could tease the glans with his tongue. It flared slightly.

"If you would like to use my erection in other ways too, you should stop now," Sarek said with a small gasp.

"Not that much body control after all?" Kirk smiled.

"Vulcans are not renowned for their long standing, rather for their fast recuperation."

Kirk looked at the beautiful piece of flesh in his hands. He couldn't stop touching it, and a milky droplet appeared at the slit. It had no particular natural flavor.

"What do you want me to do, Jim?"

Kirk swallowed. "I...I'd like you to take me. But very slowly and carefully. I want us to make new memories, Sarek. Better memories."

"I can understand that. I, too, wish to overcome the past."

Sarek pulled him up and led him to the bed, draping a cushion under his hips. "Lay down." Kirk shivered; it was involuntarily, but Sarek caught it and put a calming hand on his forehead. "All is well, Jim." Then the Vulcan kissed him, something he'd rarely done in the past. He was almost as good as Spock, and it sent a new, better kind of shiver through Kirk's body. Sarek's other hand fondled Kirk's genitals, and there wasn't much prodding needed to bring everything to full alert. The more aroused Kirk was, the less he was thinking. And that was good.

"Prepare me," Sarek whispered. Kirk took the grease they used as lube, and readied Sarek in the way he'd usually readied himself; soon a slick layer coated the Vulcan's erection. Its top flared once more under the touch, ready for action.

Slowly, Sarek knelt down between Kirk's legs. "I will go slowly until you tell me otherwise. You may say stop at any time, Jim. Any time, you understand?"

"I know. Go on."

Sarek slipped into him until there was resistance; there he stopped. They were both breathing hard, fighting to keep their control, which wasn't really much.

"Go on," Kirk said again, his throat dry. His body was in flames, a pulsing red all through his torso, and it was good, so good. He'd dreamed of them having sex like this, not in the frenzy of the fever, but within their (well, almost) rights minds...

He moaned as Sarek slowly began to move back and forth. The flaring glans produced all kinds of sensations fingers weren't able to, and he clawed at the bedding as the intensity threatened to overwhelm him.

"Everything all right?" Sarek asked in concern.

"Yes - yes. Don't stop."

He was impaled again, and released once more; in and out; he was slowly, but steadily fucked. The rhythm was almost torturingly regular, and he felt like pounding against Sarek. "Harder - faster," he gasped and pushed his hips against the Vulcan's groin.

The rhythm increased slowly, too slowly; he pushed against Sarek once more and slung his legs around his hips, forcing him deeper.

Their joined, rasped breathing filled the air as Sarek shifted his position slightly and then accelerated his speed. With every forward movement, Kirk was impaled and pushed into the mattress, tightly wedged between the bed and Sarek's body; with every backward movement, the glans raked over his prostrate and made him climb the walls with arousal. It was perfect; it was exactly like he'd dreamed.

"Oh Sarek..." He touched the Vulcan's chest, rubbed over the nipples. They turned hard instantly. He didn't have to ask if Sarek liked having sex like this; the Vulcan's eyes were half-closed in the intense concentration of impeding orgasm, the unique moment in which everything in life was focused on exactly this one goal. But there was still control left, and Kirk earned a questioning gaze by Sarek when he caught his eyes. The rhythm faltered for a moment, but started again when Kirk smiled.

"Just - go - on," Kirk managed to say before he needed the air in his lungs for other things. He had needed to know if Sarek would be able to stop; now that he knew he would, he could really relax. Sarek pounded into him with breathtaking speed now, and he gave in to the ride. Inside of him, he felt the glans flare fully, and then Sarek's orgasm broke; with a small cry, the Vulcan pumped his load into him.

Kirk gasped, knowing he wouldn't come from the anal stimulation alone, but Sarek leaned back and took hold of his erection, bringing him to orgasm only seconds later. Kirk arched, his hands once more buried in the bedding, as Sarek milked him. When there was nothing left, they both slackened; Sarek with his hands on Kirk's hip, barely able to sit upright; Kirk on the cushion, totally spent.

It took a moment before they were able to move, as Sarek couldn't control the flared organ as much as he'd thought; something Kirk found amusing and also hot; they were literally stuck together for a bit of time. Then Sarek managed to pull out of him and sank back on the bed.

"Thank you, Sarek." Kirk pulled him closer and stroked the side of his face.

"My...pleasure," Sarek said, using the old form from before Surak. Not really good taste for a The'la, for all its implied emotions. Kirk smiled.

"This is a rather exhausting activity," Sarek said. "How often do humans engage in it?"

"Well, I usually did once a day. Or twice, maybe."

"Impressive."

Kirk stroked Sarek's back. "Is it really completely natural, the seven year cycle? Or do you control it for any religious reasons?"

Sarek put one hand on Kirk's stomach. "Is having sex once a day completely natural, or do you control your urges?"

"Well, I couldn't go around fucking all day, could I? Ah, I see what you mean. You can, in principle, but the number is a result of a natural cycle and, hmm, societal rules?"

"Correct. Seven years is the standard time, but cycles as short as one point six years and as long as thirty-four years have been known. My own ones are relatively regular. We cannot yet say what Spock's will be like."

Kirk nodded, rather sleepy by now. "We should take a shower."

"We can also just stay here and relax for a moment," Sarek said, eyes closed.

"Sure." With his free hand, Kirk took hold of his discarded omut and placed it over both of them, then quickly fell asleep.

*

"Z'Tei wanted to ask me if I would join him in his pon farr," Spock said when they sat together in the kitchen after dinner that night.

"Even though you aren't in his seth anymore?" Kirk asked.

"It is rare, but not unheard of," Sarek said. "Sometimes, when a seth splits and a new seth comes into existence, members of those two seths are still pon farr partners, as would be the case here." He looked at Spock. "What is your decision?"

"I wanted to talk to you first - both of you."

Kirk shrugged. "Z'Tei doesn't accept me, and I know that. What annoyed me more is that he kept away from you for a long time after our bonding. But these are my emotions, not yours. Feel free to make your own decision."

"He didn't ignore me; we only met elsewhere," Spock stated. "Our situation with you was without precedence; Z'Tei felt uninformed and unable to decide the best way of interaction with you."

"I don't see that he interacts with me at all, so never mind."

"Maybe, if you would meet him more often -"

"No thanks, Spock." Kirk piled up the dishes. "I'm willing to accept Saten to the seth, but I feel no need to get friendly with Z'Tei."

Spock looked at Sarek. "What is your opinion?"

Sarek put his palms on the table. "I have been willing to participate in your pon farr together with him; he is still an acceptable partner and I know that he is important to you. It is your decision. Feel free to make it."

"It would mean I'd be away for a week soon, on short notice."

"We would arrange everything."

"So I will do it," Spock said.

"Fine." Kirk took their dishes and cleaned them, not really sure if it was as fine for him as he tried to make it.

Behind his back, Spock began asking Sarek for more details of what a pon farr partner would need to keep in mind, as he had only shared the one rather violent pon farr with Sarek; it was a theme that made Kirk rather uncomfortable, and so he quickly left them to their own devices.

*

Z'Tei's pon farr came rather quickly, and Spock went to the korsau'a-seth. The house felt empty without him, and even though Sarek shared some closeness with him, Kirk felt slightly depressed. He was unsure if the deeper bond with Z'Tei would have an impact on their lives. Of course the Vulcans denied this, but Kirk wasn't sure just how many different bonds they could have without causing some interference in the future. Or hadn't anyone ever crossed pon farr time tables?

Four days had gone by, and Kirk was determined to get over the last three with dignity, his head mostly buried in kahs'wan literature. He had the emergency ship procedure memorized already, but it wasn't his foremost interest at the moment. Just knowing that he could start anytime if he really wanted was making him breathe more easily. But right now, his life was running more smoothly, and he didn't feel like taking the risk.

He sighed. The files danced in front of his tired eyes, although it was only early afternoon.

The main door opened and seconds later Sarek entered the office. "Jim - come with me."

"Now?" Kirk asked, phlegmatically residing on his chair.

"Yes. We don't have much time. Come as you are, this omut is good enough."

There was a small flitter in front of the door, something Sarek usually didn't use except in urgent cases. Kirk moved into his seat. "Anything wrong with Spock?" he asked in concern.

"No." Sarek started the soundless engine and they drifted over the streets, driven by the antigrav accelerator. They arrived at a large door; it was a ke, Kirk realized, one of the schooling houses. Behind the door, he could hear the voices of very young children, screaming not unlike human children. "The kan'bu-ke....?"

Sarek opened the door. "The kan'bu-ke," he affirmed. "Talk only when I say so."

They entered, and the Vulcan carefully closed it again. There was a big, green yard right behind the door, full of small children, many of them not even yet able to walk.

A Vulcan in a green omut drew closer. "Sarek and Jhm akansu'la?"

"Yes."

"Come with me. They are under the trees."

They followed him to the other side of the yard, where a small group of children were sitting on the ground. Some of them had light brown hair, one even blond. Kirk searched their little faces, searching the one he sometimes dreamed about. He was full of questions, but waited until the Vulcan was gone. Only then, Sarek signaled him that he could speak now.

"Which one is it, Sarek?" Kirk whispered.

"We have gained entrance because I explained to the council that you are used to having children around you," Sarek said quietly. "Therefore you are allowed to spend some time here. But you are not allowed to single any of them out for your affection."

"Which one, Sarek?"

"What if I say all of them?" Sarek replied earnestly.

"You know which one I want to see."

Sarek thought for a moment, visibly debating with his inner ethical self; then he pointed to a boy in a red omut. "That is Semek. But remember my words; you are here to play with all of them. This is important."

Kirk half felt like laughing and dancing; the other half just wanted to cry. They'd never understand that he didn't think like them; seeing his son here, being reminded of another, both forbidden and kept apart from him, was like piercing a hot iron through his heart. He knelt down between the children; at least Sarek couldn't see his face. The Vulcan had wanted to give him a gift, to make him feel better; instead, it brought back everything he'd tried to ignore over the past few months.

He took some of the wooden building blocks that lay around, and started to play with the children, trying hard not to stare at Semek all the time. Sarek patted his shoulder. "I will leave you here; you will come home to the seth on your own, will you?"

Kirk nodded. "Thank you," he said and briefly looked up.

Sarek smiled for a moment and became the serene Vulcan again when he left through the yard. Kirk turned back to the children, and told himself that it was only the sand in his eyes that made him cry.

*

Between his kahs'wan training and the hours in the kan'bu-ke, Kirk's time was more than filled, and it kept him from thinking too much.

At least that was the idea. In reality, seeing Semek daily didn't make it any better; he had almost been ready to give up the boy before Sarek had brought him to the kan'bu-ke. But now, knowing where Semek was, how he lived, what he liked and how he laughed, he couldn't imagine letting go of the boy. He more than ever wanted him to be closer; he wanted to be able to shout into the whole world that he was his father and this was his son, and they were family.

But there was no such concept on this planet, and no room for special wishes of a single human.

*

Spock returned from the pon farr with Z'Tei tired and exhausted, and didn't leave his room for another two days except for some meals and showers. Offers for closeness were declined; that wasn't unusual after pon farr, Sarek explained to Kirk, but the human wasn't sure it was the only reason.

"Z'Pal is at the door for you," Sarek called out for him, and Kirk rose from his bed. They met in the entry.

"Let's take a walk," Kirk said. They went out into the street and in the direction of the small field between the houses.

Z'Pal eyed him. "I thought your condition had improved. But you don't look as if it has."

"I'm up and down again," Kirk said tiredly. "I need your help, Z'Pal." He turned to face him as the Vulcan didn't answer. "Z'Pal?"

"Jhm - I thought about it. I can't do it."

"You're the only friend I have here. And you know that I really need to get away. Why are you letting me down now?"

"You have friends. You have the seth. They are the ones you should rely on."

"But they won't help me," Kirk said in frustration. "They don't understand me."

"Jhm, I know that you are close to your kahs'wan. Things will improve once you are accepted as an adult."

"Will it bring me my son?" Kirk asked.

"Son?"

"We have a son, the three of us. A genetically engineered offspring."

"Jhm, every adult gives sperm from his first pon farr for tests and possible use in the laboratories. It is a normal process."

"You mean, you have children too?"

"That's not how I see it. I gave a part of me back to the offspring of my society."

Kirk punched a nearby tree. "Have you ever heard of anyone raising a child in a seth?"

Z'Pal shook his head. "Not that I know of. It is unhealthy for children to grow up in an adult world."

"I've grown up in such a world, Z'Pal."

The Vulcan looked slightly amused. "I'm not sure whose point this statement proves, Jhm." He put his arm around Kirk's shoulder. "Think of him getting attention in a way no person alone would be able to. For everything, there are good, even the best teachers. The ke is his home, Jhm, the place where he is best protected."

"You know I've got a son on Earth. There's nobody there for him, no ke, no father."

"No friends? No...family?"

"Not really." Kirk stared over the field. The houses on the other side were silent. The whole city was overly silent as all the houses were devoid of children, and their cries rarely reached over the gates of the ke'u.

"You are fixated on the idea of children," Z'Pal said. "You need to get your inner freedom back. Maybe you should see a healer."

"So that he could put his hands on my face and make it go away?" Kirk said sharply. "They could probably do that, right? Did they tell you to make me forget in the pethu-ke? All those times you put your hands on my face..."

"I only wanted you to relax," Z'Pal said. "It does take the edge off feelings. We all do this with each other."

"Perhaps I like to feel on edge, Z'Pal. Did you ever think about that?"

"It causes unnecessary pain, Jhm."

"It also makes me remember."

"That only causes you pain, too."

"Would you prefer to forget things that were painful, Z'Pal?"

The Vulcan looked at him thoughtfully. "Do you know that we have an almost eidetic memory when we are an adult, Jhm? We remember every word, every activity. We try to manage this abundant knowledge as best as we can, by mastering the mind rules and sharing closeness with our seth. But the only way to forget is through a healer. And even this isn't always successful. But yes, if I had truly painful memories which I was unable to handle, I would go and see a healer."

"And give up your past?"

"It is illogical to forfeit the future for the past. Life moves forward, Jhm, and you need to accept things that you cannot change."

"I will return to Earth, one way or the other," Kirk stated, dangerously quiet.

"Even then, the time you stayed here and the time your family lived without you have changed the flow of life. You can't simply go back to where you were before."

"But I can try to follow up on it."

Z'Pal sighed. "Jhm..."

"I know," Kirk said and touched the Vulcan affectionately, "I'm a hopeless case." He smiled sadly.

"There is always hope, Jhm. You could have a good life here, long and fulfilled."

"I know. But not on their terms alone. If I could just once see my family on Earth, I might even return here happily."

"As far as you told me, you were in a military organization. Death could have happened to you any time - "

"But I am not dead, Z'Pal!"

Z'Pal raised his hands. "I understand. In this case, why don't you ask the Council if you can send a simple message to Earth, to inform them that you are out of danger but unable to return?"

"Maybe I should do that," Kirk said and gave up. Z'Pal would never see his point. He wouldn't ask him for help again - it would only endanger his plans.

"Let's go back. I need to go to the kan'bu-ke." Kirk turned towards the seth.

Sarek awaited them at the door, and when Kirk took his leave, he could see the two men talking. Maybe they were talking about him, and he wouldn't be surprised if Z'Pal shared the contents of their discussion with Sarek - just because he meant well, of course. Kirk hurried to see Semek; maybe it was his last chance before the Vulcans finally realized that he hadn't really adapted to their society and would stay the odd man out, harbouring dangerous plans of escape.

*

But nothing happened, no repercussions of the talk with Z'Pal; maybe they had really only talked about tato-fruits or the local equivalent of potatoes. In any case, life went on and improved as Spock resurfaced from his solitude in the evening.

"Missed you," Kirk said as he lay close to Spock that night, curled in his arms. "Did Sarek tell you that I'm seeing Semek and the other children in the kan'bu-ke?"

"No." Spock sleepily caressed through Kirk's hair. "Was it his idea?"

"Yes."

"Did it improve your mood?"

Kirk didn't answer.

"He always tries to make you feel better, Jim."

"Just doesn't always work."

Silence lay over the room again, until Spock asked, "How is the boy?"

"A bit small for his age. Bright. Curious. Sometimes brash. And he still has my eyes. I guess you got too much of me in the mixture."

"Possibly."

"I want to bring him into the seth, raise him here."

"No!"

Kirk turned around to face his thai'la. "Is there no way to achieve that?"

Spock stared at him. "Do not ask for this, Jim. Never. It is a...monstrous idea."

"Okay." Kirk rolled to the side, away from Spock. They spent the night as distanced as they could be in a single bed.

*

For two weeks, Kirk spent several hours a day in the kan'bu-ke, and he still didn't fully understand how the groups were assembled. They were only temporary structures to ensure that each adult would have to handle only a limited number of children; but the children in them were shifted between the groups. Sometimes the groups consisted of children of very different ages and capabilities, sometimes of similar ones as if to ensure competition between them. With the shifting group system, Kirk sometimes could see Semek only from afar, sometimes closer; only about twice a week he had him in his own group. It was hard for him not to single the boy out then.

Most of the children had a keen perception and readily engaged in new games. These were optimized to stimulate their minds or to increase their physical fitness and dexterity. Kirk could see that everything was done to improve the children's development, but the children around them and most of the adult teachers were shifting all the time. Only the Vulcans who took the children to bed and fed them four times a day stayed the same; on Earth they'd call them their psychological parents - here they were the bu-elek'ai. Some of them had had this position for more than a hundred and fifty years; it made Kirk wish he could become one of them.

For now he took the crumbs of seeing Semek once in a while without ever being allowed to sing him into sleep or anything; he didn't even know where the children slept, as he had never had a reason to go into the sleeping area. Only once he'd tried to peek into it, but one of the bu-elek'ai had called him back quickly. Not wanting to cause their distrust and lose his temporary job, Kirk submitted to their rules more than ever, but always with second thoughts. Sooner or later there would come his moment; he had learned to wait on this planet.

*

The final jungle test of the kahs'wan was drawing closer, and Kirk was getting excited and nervous. They wouldn't tell him a date, of course - they'd simply fetch him and leave him in the jungle as they did it with all the pethu-ai. He had trouble sleeping, expecting their steps at any moment; it finally made him set up the door of his room again, just so that he would hear them coming and be warned. He didn't want to fight them but wasn't sure if he could control his reflexes when he was rudely woken up in the middle of his sleep.

Sarek and Spock tried to calm him down, but he actually didn't want them to - he felt he needed to be alert and on his toes to survive the ordeal. The jungle was full of more or less dangerous animals and possible natural traps; Spock, Saten and he had spent most of training lessons in the past few weeks outside of the walls getting used to the climate and learning about the special problems of the jungle. Kirk felt that he was ready, but it wouldn't be a walk on the beach.

The only time when he was relaxed was in the kan'bu-ke; they surely wouldn't pull him out from here. And today he once again had Semek in his group; he played with him, knowing that he was becoming a bit obvious, but enjoying it too much to stop.

"You feel for him, do you?"

Kirk looked up, swallowing hard. One of the bu-elek'ai was towering over him, the characteristic necklace that looked like a toy swinging freely as the man bent lower.

"I care for all of them," Kirk said cautiously and put Semek down, correcting the fall of the ashmut, the long shirt the children wore.

"Do not fear me," the man said. "I'm Ts'Wel-pla-kur'a, and I understand your sentiments."

"Do you?" Kirk asked, searching the man's eyes. Ts'Wel was one of the younger permanent keepers in the kan'bu-ke, and they hadn't had any personal contact so far. In fact, the Vulcans all had little contact with him except for official communication on the children's behalf.

"Let us share some water," Ts'Wel said and waved another helper close to take over the group for a moment. Kirk followed the Vulcan, but the man didn't walk in the expected direction of the water corner but to the entry to a side house. He waved him inside and into a small kitchen, where he gave him a glass of water. "They are beautiful, aren't they?" Ts'Wel said with a nod to the window.

"Yes." Kirk took a sip, wondering where this discussion would lead them.

"Most The'lai don't think of them as their children. Genetic inheritance is something theoretical to them. They have forgotten what it is like to think in terms of families and houses constituted by true blood relation." "They have been conditioned to forget," Kirk corrected the man. "The system does everything to hinder people from building a deep relationship with another person."

"They are taught it is dangerous; and there is truth in it." Ts'Wel tilted his head as if acknowledging it. "But they overestimate it; balance can be achieved in many ways."

"Yes."

Ts'Wel abruptly put down his glass. "Do you want to see where he sleeps?"

Kirk still wasn't sure if this was a trap - although it would be the first one he'd encountered with the always so truthful, straightforward Vulcans. They may omit information, but they'd never tried to lead him astray.

"Yes," he finally said, "yes, I'd really like to."

"Come with me."

They went upstairs and along two long corridors, before they arrived at a large sleeping area. For the smallest babies, there was a kind of cradle in which two of them fit in. For the slightly older children, there were playpens for four of them. For the ones soon ready to move on to the next ke, there were the usual fields of mattresses for four separated by soft, moveable paravents that wouldn't hurt when toppling over.

"Semek usually sleeps here," Ts'Wel said and pointed at one of the playpens. Kirk memorized the spot as best as he could, counting the windows of the hall and the number of pens. Maybe he'd need to get Semek out here one day.

"Let us return to the yard," Ts'Wel said and led him down another stairway. They left the building close to the main door. Kirk's fear of a possible trap increased again.

"Thank you, Ts'Wel," he said softly. "I will take over my group now again."

The Vulcan nodded and turned away from him to talk with another helper.

*

For the next three days, Kirk and Ts'Wel didn't have any contact, which was as normal. Once again, there hadn't been any repercussions from their dangerous talk, and Kirk began to breathe more easily again. It wasn't as if the Vulcans were controlling him all the time; as long as he played by their rules, he was left relatively alone. Sarek and Spock respected his increased wish for privacy and stopped calming his emotions, as he had asked for. It made him feel lonelier, but also safer for the moment.

He sat awake half the nights, practicing moves with the kahs'wan knife, or just staring out of the window, where The'lan's moon with its short cycle was once again brightening the night. A part of him wanted to get the test over with; once he was an adult, he would be able to take up a responsible occupation, and he intended to ask for work in the kan'bu-ke. But there was always the thought of escape; taking Semek and one of the emergency ships and leave the planet for good. The odds for this were shifting daily; he just couldn't make up his mind.

It was on the evening of the third day, when he was about to leave the kan'bu-ke after his usual shift to return to the seth, that Ts'Wel joined him on the way home.

"I wanted to invite you to our pla-kur-seth. Would you like to share the evening meal with us?"

"Tonight?"

"Yes, if it does not interfere with your plans."

"I didn't have any specific ones," Kirk said, and accepted the invitation. When he saw the seth, he understood why it was called the blue one; the wooden two-storey house was of a light blue pastel color, almost looking like a dollhouse. They went through the unlocked main door and were greeted by two men; Ts'Wel introduced them as Sopel and R'Tek.

"Sit down with us," Ts'Wel said. The meal was frugal but tasty, and they offered him two side dishes he'd never tried before. He was cautious; he'd learned by painful experience that Sarek's list of recommended foods for humans made sense. But a few spoonfuls would be okay, and he enjoyed the new experience. The water was fresh and with a hint of mint and he drank more than was proper; although this planet offered a lot more water than their home planet Vulcan, the The'lai had never lost respect for the precious liquid.

His hosts didn't seem to mind; they engaged in lively discussion about the kan'bu-ke and how the society might be able to return to a more open system that allowed genetic parents to bring up their children at home if they wanted to. Obviously, the whole seth shared Kirk's sentiments when it came to children, and they might be the right people to support his cause if he ever tried to bring it up with the council in the future. It made Kirk relax to feel in the midst of friendly minds; it made him drop his control more than he'd done over the past weeks. He hadn't realized how uptight he'd become in the company of Sarek and Spock lately, but now that he leaned back in his chair, Ts'Wel next to him, offering him a Vulcan drink he had never tried before - and it had alcohol in it, no doubt about that - he could feel the suffocating tension drop from him like a load. He smiled; he taught them to clink glasses in a human fashion and to down them in one gulp. Ts'Wel leaned closer, half pulling him in his lap, and it aroused Kirk. It had been much too long since he'd had anything resembling sex; a desire simple Vulcan closeness just couldn't fix.

He didn't really register when the others of the seth left them alone in the living room, but he didn't care. Ts'Wel was a quick learner, soon knowing how to touch him. The Vulcan was also able to summon up an impressive erection. It took some time until Kirk was ready for the size, as he was rather tight from the lack of intercourse, but finally he half-lay on the couch on his stomach, the Vulcan kneeling over him and sheathing his organ deeply into his body. It was a rather quick, rough ride, but it was exactly what Kirk needed right now. He put his own hand on his dick for stimulation and joined the Vulcan when his orgasm broke.

Ts'Wel proved Sarek's statement about quick recovery that night; it didn't take more than half an hour before the Vulcan was ready for a second round, this time taking Kirk slower and with more focus on the human's pleasure. The only line that Kirk drew was on mind contact, and Ts'Wel accepted this. They made love half the night; in the end Kirk felt thoroughly satisfied and spent. He used the seth's bathroom and then said he had to go home; Ts'Wel walked with him most of the way, their hands laced together. That was building tension again, so they had another quickie in the field, Ts'Wel going to his knees and sucking him off right next to Kirk's seth. It was great, but it also made Kirk remember that the activities of the night weren't acceptable by usual Vulcan standards. Considering that being a bu-elek'a was a position of honor, he wondered if they weren't endangering Ts'Wel's status and his own possible future with what they did here. He'd ask Ts'Wel about it...but not tonight.

They parted well after midnight, their fingers crossed one last time. Kirk slipped into the house, knowing that Sarek and Spock would have noticed him missing, wondering if they had already alerted anyone. He walked upstairs and along the corridor. Sarek was still awake and looked up from a paper when Kirk passed his doorway.

"You are late." It could be a simple statement, but Kirk heard the underlying accusation.

"Yes." Apologies were irrelevant, they liked to say. He'd always wanted to find out if that was right.

"We dropped the perimeter rules because you proved to be responsible. Do not make us change it again."

"You would stop me from working in the kan'bu-ke?" Kirk asked, his throat tightening. Anger rose in him, but out of control emotions wouldn't help here.

"Only as last resort. But you would have to be brought there and picked up again by us."

"Soon I'll be ready for the kahs'wan. What are you going to do when I'm an adult?"

"You are ready for the kahs'wan when we think you are," Sarek stated. "And you will always be our special responsibility. We took an oath for you and your behavior."

"What if I fail? Are they going to banish you?"

"This is entirely possible." Sarek got up and drew close. "I smell it, Jim," he said in a low voice. "I smell what you did tonight. This is against the rules and you know that; these things are only to be shared within the seth or with pon farr partners. I should report you and the one who had intercourse with you."

"Then why don't you do it?"

Sarek pierced his gaze into him. "One more time, and I will do so, Jim."

"Fine." Kirk turned and vanished in his room, slamming the door with a sound that shook the house.

*

Spock cancelled his kahs'wan training in the morning, going to the jungle with Saten only; it was an obvious punishment for Kirk's behavior, although Spock didn't voice it. Sarek ignored him for most of the day, working on another pile of old papers. It left Kirk on his own with some kahs'wan files - at least they hadn't locked them again so far. He seemed also free to leave for the kan'bu-ke and gained entrance there. They gave him a group far from Semek, but it was probably by chance. Ts'Wel was only briefly visible in the yard and then vanished in the house with a weeping baby in his arms. The permanent keepers all had advanced training as healers and were able to deal with injuries.

He left as soon as possible and took the shortest way home, not wanting to cause any more problems for the moment. The kitchen was empty, only a cold evening meal waiting for him on the table. He took a few bites, then left the half-eaten plate behind and went upstairs. Spock and Sarek seemed to be away, their rooms empty. Tension rose in Kirk; something felt wrong here. He tried to force the feeling away; it wasn't unusual for them to be out later than he was. It was just...too quiet.

His room was empty too; somehow too empty, as he found his kahs'wan knife missing. They may have taken it to keep it away from him; they may just as well have taken it to give it to him on his impeding kahs'wan. Considering the argument with Sarek, he doubted the latter.

Sleep came late and full of disturbing dreams. The relaxation he'd found with Ts'Wel was completely gone, substituted by an incredible tension that took hold of him. It was in the middle of the night that he jerked out of his dreams - had there been a sound outside? He slipped out of the bed and went to the window, trying to remain in the shadows. The moon illuminated the street, but there was nothing to be seen. It must have been his imagination.

He went out of his room and along the corridor; in the rooms of the Vulcans, there was no movement. Considering that he didn't hear them, they might never have come home at all. In the kitchen, the automatic lights there went on at a low level, although he'd have preferred to stay in the dark. He took a sip of the cactus plant drink that was in the cooling unit; the remains of his food still rested on the table, obviously untouched.

It had to be a test, Kirk thought. They left him alone to see if he'd follow the rules without his keepers watching him. Well, they'd find him totally obedient tonight. The kahs'wan was his primary goal, and he'd do anything to be finally accepted as an adult on this damn planet.

He left the kitchen again and was half-way up the stairs when he noticed that the lights were out. He jerked around to run down, but it was too late; they caught him when he just reached the ground floor. He fought the reflex to fight them - they were stronger anyway. His arms and legs were tied and his eyes blindfolded, but his omut was left on. Then they carried him out of the house and into one of the anti-grav flitters.

The hunt had started.

*

Kirk didn't find himself in the jungle when they removed his blindfold; instead, he was kneeling on the council room floor next to the big round table at which the full number of fifteen Vulcans were sitting. He couldn't see Spock or Sarek, but when the speaker rose from his seat, Kirk recognized Soral, Sarek's thai'la.

"Why am I here?" Kirk asked before anyone could say a word. "Did Sarek -"

"Silence," Soral ordered sharply. "It is not up to you to ask questions here. We will ask the questions."

Kirk faltered, his heart sinking.

"You know this man?" They brought in Ts'Wel, hands tied in his back, and forced him to kneel at the side of the room.

"He's one of the child keepers, the bu-elek'a in the kan'bu-ke where I'm helping out at the moment."

"You have been in contact with him?"

"Barely, and only in the kan'bu-ke."

Soral walked around the table. "Jhm Kirk, we have witnesses that state you were in the pla-kur-seth last evening and night," he said icily. "And we have found genetic traces of you. Do not lie to us!"

Kirk had never felt physically intimidated during his whole stay on the planet, but now he fully expected Soral to slap him around. The Vulcan, realizing his loss of emotional control, turned away from him and towards Ts'Wel.

"You went to his seth, although you are still at the level of pethu-a. Then you spent the night with this man and had intercourse with him, something which is only to be shared with your thai'lu."

Kirk gave in. It had been a grave violation of the rules, but nothing that would cause an official punishment ...or would it? "Yes."

"Where did this take place?"

"In the living room...and later outside."

"Never in the kan'bu-ke?"

"No."

"Have you been in any of the other rooms of the pla-kur-seth?"

"No."

"Did you know they had children in the seth?"

"Children?" Kirk asked surprised. "No."

"There were two children upstairs, in a locked room."

"I didn't know that."

Soral walked back to him, showing him a few shots of the house. "The room was rather small and hidden, in the middle of the upper level. They only had light from above, and the door was locked so that they couldn't get out."

"Did they mistreat them?" Kirk asked, eying the pictures. "It looks like a regular nursery from my planet. I had a room of my own of about the same size."

"And did you spend all your youth in it, Kirk? Which would explain some of your opinions," Soral threw at him.

"They only wanted to care for their offspring," Kirk said. "Like parents."

"They kept them as their personal prisoners in a little cage. It is unthinkable, a perversity."

"Maybe it's not them being perverts, but the situation they're in. If your society -"

"It is abusive to claim children as your own. You cannot possess another person as if he was your slave."

"They were their children -"

"No. They are our future and were abducted from the kan'bu-ke, brought into the society of adults before their time. This is one of the gravest crimes on The'lan; the young ones have to be protected and guided to become proud, righteous parts of our society. What do you think will become of children who have grown up in pairs, taught only by a few adults?"

"They become normal adults, just like me," Kirk glared.

"You aren't an adult, and you aren't normal by our standards, human." The Vulcan clenched a fist, then took a few deep breaths before he went on, "Do you know the shame you brought on your seth?"

"Yes." Kirk lowered his gaze.

"I doubt that." Soral went back to his seat. He looked around in the circle; hands were lifted, but Kirk couldn't see which ones.

Finally he said, "The verdict of the council is this: Jhm Kirk, you are suspended from taking the kahs'wan. You will also not return to work in the kan'bu-ke. You will not leave the perimeter of your seth for as long as the council says. If there is another violation of the rule, you will be banished to the jungle forever."

"I need to take the kahs'wan. I worked so hard for it - you can't just forbid me to take it now," Kirk said in despair.

"Maybe we will give you another chance in a few years, Jhm Kirk, but surely no earlier. You brought harm and shame over your seth and all of the community."

"Then why don't you finally finish me off and kill me?" Kirk struggled against the men that were about to take him away.

"We do not take life, Jhm Kirk."

"You do, step by step. You're killing me. I can't live like this!" But the Vulcans ignored him; they carried him out and threw him into the flitter. His body hurt and the ropes cut into his wrists and ankles. Maybe he would have felt better if Soral had beaten him up; at least he'd rather taken a beating instead of yet again being condemned to his virtual prison. He screamed at them, but it only made them apply some pressure at his shoulder, making him lose consciousness instantly.

*

He awoke in his room, alone. The ropes were gone, but when he got up and tried to get out, the door was locked. He knocked at it, but nobody showed up.

He was in a cell. In his own seth.

He looked outside, where it was still night. Quiet lay the street, as if nothing had happened in the city tonight - as if his life hadn't changed for the worst. The window was without bars so far, but it would be only a matter of time; it was clear that they intended to make sure that he obeyed the rules by all means this time.

He hated them with all his heart. Sarek must have spoken with Soral; it was too much of a coincidence that they'd captured the dissidents just now. Damn him.

There was a faint sound in the distance, and he gazed into the night, trying to pick up what was going on. Suddenly someone moved in the corridor, but nobody came to open his door. Low voices could be heard, and he assumed that Sarek and Spock were discussing what to do with him, their insane thai'la. He thought of the S'hariens downstairs, the only real weapons he'd ever seen on The'lan. For a moment, he thought about killing them. It might make him feel better, though he actually wanted to kill Soral a lot more, the man who'd always disliked him and made things harder for him.

The sound outside drew closer, and then there was suddenly an anti-grav unit in front of his window. "Jump," Z'Pal said, and without thinking Kirk took his chance. The unit tumbled but Z'Pal managed to get hold of it and dive away from the side of the house, speeding into the dark.

"They'll soon know that you're gone. But I estimated that this was your only chance for a long time," the Vulcan said.

"Fly to the kan'bu-ke."

"You need to leave immediately," Z'Pal stated and steered along the main wall of the city, avoiding the more crowded center.

"I won't leave without my son."

"Jhm -"

"Both of us or none."

The Vulcan gave in and took off onto the next street. The children's house lay in silence as Z'Pal maneuvered the unit to an open window on the second floor of the building that Kirk pointed out to him. With no such concept as a regular night watch or locked doors, it took Kirk only a few minutes to get Semek. He placed the sleepy child between them and slipped into his seat again.

"Everything will be all right," he said and took the boy on his knees, hugging him.

Z'Pal didn't look as optimistic, but set off for the location of the emergency ships. When they arrived, one of them was already emitting a faint light from the engine outlets.

"I have friends too," Z'Pal answered Kirk's questioning gaze. He landed the unit next to the ship so that Kirk and the boy could disembark easily.

"Peace and long life, Jhm," he said, forming the V with his fingers. "May you find your peace of mind again on Earth."

"Peace and long life too - and thank you, Z'Pal. I'll never forget you."

Z'Pal nodded gravely then the unit lifted upwards and vanished into the dark. The whole journey hadn't taken longer than maybe twenty minutes. He'd be away from here in no time.

He pulled Semek toward the ship.

"Where are we going?" the boy asked. "Where are the others?"

"They're coming a bit later," Kirk said absent-mindedly. "It's not much further; we are going..."

"...Nowhere," someone said, and when the figure rose from the steps of the ship, Kirk realized it was Spock, pointing an Earthfleet phaser at him. So they had found and kept his weapons after all, Kirk thought angrily. At Spock's left, a dark figure lay on the ground.

Clamping the hand of the boy, Kirk straightened his back. "I will leave now, and you won't hinder me."

"I will kill you, if necessary," Spock said warningly.

"Fine with me," Kirk replied acridly. "You should've done that months ago."

"Let Semek go," Spock said.

"Why? He will see that your peace talk is just a lie," Kirk said and clutched Semek's hand more tightly. "It's an important lesson."

"Jhm...?" the boy whispered and looked up at him, and then to Spock. Tension sparked between the adults, condensing to a suffocating layer.

Suddenly Spock lowered the phaser. "Leave."

Kirk stepped forward.

"Alone."

Kirk froze again. "I won't leave without him."

"You will leave without him or not at all," Spock said.

Kirk could feel the pulse of the boy drumming in his palm. "Stop me," he said harshly and made another step, pulling Semek forward.

The blazing light came so quickly that he felt the pain only when he looked down at his arm, on which the skin was burned from shoulder to elbow. He dropped the boy's hand and clutched the wound. "You shot me," he stated in disbelief and looked at the blood.

"Yes," Spock replied coldly. "And I will do it again. You taught me how to love, how to hate and how to want to possess someone. Semek is also our son. You will leave without him. This is my final word."

Their eyes met again, and Kirk saw that the Vulcan would not back down from his statement.

"Fine...fine," Kirk said finally. "You get him. I never wanted him anyway." He moved away from the boy, closing his heart against the brown eyes that widened at his statement. He wordlessly passed the Vulcan and entered the ship. When he shut the main door, the last thing he saw were two hugging figures on the concrete. Fifteen minutes later, he steered the ship out of orbit toward his freedom.

*

It took one week to reach the first Federation Outpost, a second week to get back to Earth. There it took only four days of debriefing by the authorities before he started telling the whole story - he didn't owe the Surak'ai anything anymore, from his point of view.

When he finally came home two weeks later, Carol was waiting at the door, a blond boy in her arms. Thankfully David was very different from Semek, so his happiness about this first, and now somewhat second son was true and only slightly diminished by the empty spot in his heart where someone else was missing from his life. He only told her what he absolutely had to - that he had been stranded on a Vulcan renegade colony and was father of a genetically engineered son they had produced without his consent. She wouldn't want to hear about mind melds and pon farr and incest anyway.

Three months later an expedition under the control of Earthfleet was destined to visit the hidden colony, as the government of Vulcan firmly denied that any citizens of their planet had left due to discrepancies in philosophical views. Kirk was assigned to the "Discovery" as consultant and second officer, and he was determined to take Semek with him this time. On Earth the boy could grow up together with David in a surrounding better suited to him than the weird world of his gay, incestuous fathers.

But when they approached the planet at the rim of the nebula, he instantly knew something had changed. There was no answer to their call, and neither energy nor life readings could be found by the science officer.

"Two security guards," Captain Winters ordered the first officer. "I'll go down personally. We'll take Lieutenant Kirk with us," he added, seeing Kirk's anxious glance.

Kirk stood up from his helm station and hasted down the corridors with an appalling feeling in his stomach. In his mind, his carefully thought-out speech, with which he had wanted to convince the council to give him Semek, made room for an unvoiced, unspeakable anxiety. His blood was rushing in his ears as he finally reached the transport bay, out of breath from his fast walking and the tightening in his chest that made breathing incredibly hard.

Winters already fastened the phaser belt around his chest. "Take one too, Kirk. We don't know what might await us down there."

Kirk took a phaser. "They'd never physically harm us."

"But they'd want to protect their world enough to keep us prisoners, wouldn't they?" the first officer, Commander Genes, pointed out dryly.

"They can hardly keep a ship like this here," Kirk mumbled, but locked the belt around his waistline before taking the tricorder in his hands.

"Beam coordinates?" the man at the transport console asked. Winters looked at Kirk.

"I'll put us in a corner of the marketplace, if that's okay," Kirk said and entered the coordinates himself which he had checked upon on the bridge.

The captain nodded. "You have the conn," he said to Genes before he stepped onto the platform, flanked by Kirk and two security officers in whose arms phaser guns were laying. "Engage."

They materialized exactly where Kirk had planned, but the place resembled nothing at all what he knew from the past; where there had been neat stone floors and the shimmering white, small buildings around it, all there was now was devastation and destruction. The council hall's front wall had crumbled, leaving a gaping wound through which one could see the inner stairs and the former green garden. Reflexively, Kirk's fingers closed around his phaser handle, but there was no enemy to be seen.

"This doesn't look good," the captain muttered. "Can you tell what weapon was used?"

Kirk forced his concentration onto the readings on the tricorder's display. It took him a moment, but then the results turned up, unambiguously. He paled and looked up. "Orion energy signature."

"So they turned up before us. Seems their informants in the EF headquarters were quite busy," Winters said flatly.

Kirk gave a small nod. "Do you think they took them into slavery?" God, he couldn't imagine Sarek and Spock bowing to an Orion master, no matter how peaceful their philosophy was. Or maybe he just didn't want to imagine something like that.

"It's no good speculating - let's check on the town. Keep your tricorders on long range scanning for organic material." Winter stepped over the fallen wall and then bent down to pick up a piece of shiny stone from the ground. "Molten and frozen again. Their weapons seem to be at least as powerful as ours," he said with a frown, then dropped the stone and wiped his dusty hands. "Ready?" he said to Kirk who had been standing with a frozen gaze.

"Yes, sir," Kirk replied, shaken out of his reverie, and hastily readjusted the tricorder settings. "No life signs within 500 meters. Only small organic materials, over there." He pointed toward the other end of the marketplace.

They walked over. "This had once been their genetic engineering center," Kirk said as they crossed another totally demolished building. "But there seems nothing left of the high tech equipment they had there." He scanned over the ruins, then met Winter's gaze in astonishment. "No Orion signature."

The captain shrugged. "They must have done this by themselves when they were losing the fight."

"They wouldn't fight," Kirk repeated with barely hidden irritation. "It's against their beliefs."

"If they didn't fight, they are either abducted or dead," Winters replied. "Like him." He pointed at the small crumbled something that had caused the tricorder readings. Kirk looked at what was left after most of the body had been blasted out of existence and the remains had been exposed to nature's forces for weeks, but he couldn't recognize who it had been. Inside of him, the metal belt that seemed to be closing around his chest ever since they encountered the total communication silence tightened once more and a taste of bile crept up into his throat. Better keep looking elsewhere, he thought and checked the tricorder readings. "He's been dead for about six weeks."

"They were really pretty fast." Winters shook his head. "Too fast for my taste. More readings?"

"Yes, in a southward direction," Kirk said.

The captain stepped to the side on their walk, the security guards at their lower flanks. "What was there?"

"Sports and recreation area," Kirk replied. "It's been a while since I've been there, because I wasn't allowed there due to the restrictions." Some old anger boiled up and was instantly dismissed as irrelevant, now that the focuses of his anger were missing.

The readings increased in intensity upon their walk - and not only this, but also the intense smell of rotting flesh, making them fear the worst. When they finally turned around the corner, they stopped dead still.

This can't be real, Kirk thought. These are pictures one only sees in history lessons. This couldn't be real. Not even Tarsus had been like this. He turned, fell to his knees and emptied his stomach behind a small bush.

"Killing fields," Winters said in a low voice, and that was the best description anyone could find for this scene.

The bodies lay next to each other side by side and in row upon row all over the sports arena. The weather and the animals had taken their tolls, and so bleached bones shimmered through the clothing and teeth shone in fleshless skulls, turning the dead smile into a horrible mockery of the living.

Kirk went up again and clenched his hands around the tricorder, the terrible smell of the field challenging his control all over again. "There are about three hundred different genetic patterns. Cause of death..." His voice failed.

"Suicide, I guess," Winters said. He knelt down next to a body. brushing away a swarm of The'lan flies. "They haven't been burned or killed by any other weapon, as far as I can see."

"It fits, sir," one of the security guards said from behind, his face markedly paler than usual. "Vulcans can commit suicide by mind control."

Kirk weakly shook his head, but he knew they were right.

"Well," Winters stood up and took a deep breath, "maybe a better fate than Orion slavery." He gazed at Kirk. "What was the population?"

"About three thousand in this city. About twenty thousand on the whole planet." Kirk said. "Maybe they aren't all dead." But deep inside, he was sure that they were and lay somewhere else. "I...sir, I want to check on the dead here. I need to know..." His voice broke again as he saw a piece of familiar clothing in the second line - and if that it was Soral's body, the man next to him was probably Z'Tei...

"Can't you just check the pattern? You had a son here, didn't you?" Winters asked.

Kirk clenched his teeth. "Yes, sir. But a genetic scan over such a range and due to the present level of decomposition of the bodies, I can't get a reading better than 85%, and that's not enough."

"We'll help you," Winters said and stepped into the second line. "What are we looking for?"

"Can't you leave me alone?" Kirk sputtered as the last leftovers of control fled him. "I apologize, sir," he stumbled instantly, "it's just that..." It's just that this is a graveyard and you didn't know them, Kirk thought. "It's just that I need the time for...handling all of this. Sir," he said aloud.

Winters gave him a sharp look.

"And if I don't find them, I would like to check on their house, sir," Kirk forced through his overly dry lips. "And the ken'bu-ke, the children's house."

After some seconds, Winters shrugged. "Okay. Take Persson with you and keep within communication distance. Fiorno and I will check the remains of the communication center and see if we can find more proof of the Orion attack. We'll also check for your genetic pattern from the ship." He left without a second glance at Kirk. Persson, sensing Kirk's tension, sat alone on a stone a short distance away, deliberately looking into another direction.

It was remembrance, service and prayer all at once as Kirk slowly walked the lines of dead adults. He forced himself to remember that they had died peacefully and of their own choice, escaping a worse fate, and that their appearance was caused by a totally natural process. He also forced himself to look at the clothes rather than the skulls, although he sometimes missed the hair color and length that way. Bony fingers were one thing; empty eyes and bleached teeth another.

In every line there were some he had known, and he murmured their names into his tricorder in his need to keep something of them alive and in the Earthfleet memories. Sometimes he added some more facts about them, their profession, age, where they had lived. Of a few he would have known far more - what Z'Rak had liked to eat or what Ts'Amal had sung on the one concert he had enjoyed in the Vulcan's company - but those were private things and not for the ears of alien listeners.

Line after line he walked, but in the end he hadn't found them. He went back to the other end of the field.

"We need to go to the east side," he said to Persson without further explanation. They walked in silence, the guard a step behind him. The streets were empty, most buildings blasted in what now seemed like an act of hate to Kirk. There had been no reason to level the town but pure anger. Had the Orions been disappointed by the final escape of their intended goods? Or had there been some deeper motives, some open invoice from the past about which Kirk didn't know?

He took a deep breath as they suddenly faced the two-storied seth house where he had lived, loved and suffered. For a moment everything looked as peaceful as it had in the past, but then his gaze got caught by the figure that lay on the ground right in front of the stairs. He took a step toward it and stopped again.

"Shall I...?" Persson said, and passed him, but Kirk held him back.

"No." He took another deep breath. "No, I've got to face it anyway. Just wait here, okay?" He dragged himself to the body and knelt down beside it. The earth around it shimmered in all variations of green, and when he touched it, small coppery crystals stuck to his fingertips. He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped them, his look firmly on the formerly white, now green fabric. In the end he couldn't avoid the truth any longer, and so he cautiously touched the body's shoulder blade with the handkerchief and turned it around.

It took him a moment to realize it was Sarek. He hadn't died peacefully; rather it looked like they had killed him on the spot, judging by all the blood and the cut throat that made the skull hang at an impossible angle. The almost rotten fingers of Sarek's right hand were still closed around the heft of one of the ancient swords that usually had hung in the living room as reminder of the bloodier times the Surak'ai had overcome.

"So you've lost your religion in the end, Sarek-kam," Kirk whispered, wondering why that hurt even more than seeing the peaceful dead on the sports field. Perhaps because he felt guilty all over; he knew it was his own influence that had caused Sarek and Spock to move away from the teachings.

He stood up. "I'm going inside," he called to Persson. "Just wait for me here."

Persson didn't look convinced, but remained where he was as Kirk took the few stairs to the main door.

The office was empty. The furniture lay in pieces, wooden and porcelain splinters covering the floor. He searched through the lower floor without result, then moved upstairs. The devastation was the same as everywhere, and he stepped through it with little care until the moment where glass creaked under his boots in the entrance of Sarek's sleeping room. He bent down and saw a photograph of the two Vulcans and himself. He'd never seen this shot - Vulcans didn't like portraits, it was an illogical vanity for them. But someone, somehow had taken this snapshot...

The splintered glass cut Kirk's fingers, but he was unaware of anything but their faces, so alive and happy on that day in the past. Tears threatened to break free. So Sarek had kept a memory of him, no matter how bad their human lover had behaved, no matter the insults and the pain he had caused. With shaking fingers Kirk peeled the photograph out of its broken cover and put it into his trouser pocket, leaving a wet smear of blood on its dark fabric. Then he looked at the last door of the house, his own former room, hoping and fearing likewise what he might find behind. His hand almost didn't want to touch the latch, but finally he forced himself forward again.

The door slid open in total silence, as if it didn't want to disturb the grave the room had turned into. Spock's back lay on the edge of the low bed, his folded legs on the floor; his blood-stained arms were stretched to the sides almost like in a crucifixion, while his sunken eyes rested on the ceiling. He too had fought the intruders, and they once again had taken their time slaughtering their victim instead of simply phasering him into oblivion. He had been killed by his own weapon in the end, the other of the beautiful S'harien swords that had been the symbol of their peaceful exile and now stuck prominently in the Vulcan's chest as if in silent accusation for him having left the right way.

It took Kirk a moment to identify the small green and white bundle that lay on the bed right next to Spock's head, but when he picked it up he found it to be the remains of a baby. A fine shimmer of light brown hair covered the skull. He took the bundle into his arms and sank to the floor next to his former lover.

"God..." he said in a failing voice, "I didn't know we would have another one..." This time the tears wouldn't stay away; he was beginning to weep freely, as the reality of all his findings struck him only now that he had the rotting leftovers of another son in his arms.

"I am so sorry. Spock. Oh god, I am so sorry. It's all my fault, all mine." Clenching his hands around the small bundle unmindful of the smell of decay he kept crying so hard that it shook him all over. But no one answered him. No one would give him absolution for these multiple deaths that would haunt him until the end of his days. It might have been the Orions that had killed them - maybe it was even coincidence that they had found The'lan, but in his heart he knew better. He was responsible.

He raised his head up from the dead baby as he remembered Semek. He needed to find him. He would find him, dead or alive. Yes, maybe he was alive. He needed to go and find him - but first he had to make final preparations for the people he once had loved.

He stood up and carefully placed the baby on a chair before he opened the drawer where he found the expected fresh blankets; he unfolded one and wrapped it around Spock's dead body. He lifted the small, light package up onto the bed, putting the baby next to it. Then he took another blanket and went downstairs and out the door. Sarek seemed so light when he took the enfolded body into his arms to carry it upstairs, ignoring Persson's stare. He put him on the bed at Spock's other side.

Kirk stood at the end of the bed for a long time. He would have prayed if he had any belief left; but all the words that came to his mind would be but empty phrases and as such an insult to his former lovers who had always believed in sincerity. In the end he left with having said nothing more than a whispered promise that he would find Semek.

When he left the house, Persson gave him a hand sign; in his other hand, there was the communicator. Carefully avoiding stepping on the green spots in the sand he went over to him.

"The captain," Persson said, and held the micro up to Kirk's mouth.

"Sir?" Kirk asked.

"Did you find them?" Winters's voice traveled overly loud through the silent street.

"Only the adults...and a baby, all dead. I didn't yet find my" - Kirk hesitated - "elder son."

"Wherever we went, the people were dead, most by suicide, the others killed by the Orions," Winters said. "I contacted the ship and they did a scan of all inhabited areas - no life signs. The second emergency ship was untouched; obviously they didn't have time or the intention to flee. This was a thorough job done by the Orions."

Kirk clenched his teeth, unable to take Winters' underlying sarcasm at the moment. This hadn't been a job - this had been genocide by the books. But he needed the captain's cooperation now, and so he swallowed any comment that lingered on the tip of his tongue.

"I wish to search for my son," he said instead.

"Kirk, your associates are dead. The whole population of this city is dead. How big are the chances for a two-year-old to be alive?"

"He might be alive," Kirk insisted. "He's clever, he knows how to survive."

"We don't have time for a thorough search, Lieutenant. We are to leave orbit in four hours, due to an emergency in the Areta area."

"Sir..." Kirk took the communicator out of Persson's hand and stepped away, his gaze fixed on the sand where it wasn't green. "I just need to know if he's dead. I need to know, do you understand?"

"I understand you, Lieutenant, but I have my orders. It would take days, maybe weeks to check on all the dead." Winters's voice slightly changed in tone toward...sympathy? "I understand you, believe me. You can search as long as we're in orbit and, well, there is always the possibility that we leave you here. But you know that this planet is far away from the usual flight path - you might have to stay here for a very long time."

Kirk tilted his head back in his neck and looked at the sky which was a summer's blue with sprinkles of white. Then he lowered his head and looked at the house that was nothing but a grave now. He couldn't stay here. He hadn't been able to stay with them, nor had he wanted to. If he stayed here now, it would be nothing but belated martyrdom. And at home Carol and David were waiting.

"I will search here until the ship breaks orbit," he finally said into the communicator.

"The right decision, Kirk," the bodiless voice replied. "We'll inform you in time. Winters off."

Kirk closed the communicator and returned it to Persson. "I don't think anyone needs a guard here. You can return to the ship," he said and went down the street in the direction of the ken'bu-ke, his eyes already fixed on the tricorder to catch every small trace of Vulcan-human hybrid genes.

He found several of them on his way, and more in the ken'bu-ke, which was a place of absolute horror with all those children he had once held in his arms dead in the yard, obviously killed by their Vulcan keepers in an act of mercy - or so they thought. But all hybrid children were similar to Spock's genetic arrangement, other descendents of Amanda. He went back onto the streets, but after the fiftieth dead body and half of his given time gone he sat down on a small wall in exhaustion. His uniform, body and hair were stuck from sweat and stank from the dead. He realized he wouldn't make it in time if not for a miracle, and he had run very short of them in the past years. Fortune might help fools and kids, but not him, not on this planet on which he had turned his back in anger and hate.

Had it been it worth it, he wondered, all the while knowing he wouldn't have been able to behave differently, even if he had known all of this already. The day he'd crash-landed here and was picked up by Sarek, fate had thrown the dice for them, ups and downs and love and hate adding up to an unsolvable maelstrom in the end. That he was sitting here now was just the final blow. Semek was dead, he had to be dead - it was the only sensible answer. Hadn't there been that darker shadow on the floor of Spock's bedroom? Maybe they had killed him with a phaser blast, making him vanish in the blink of an eye.

Kirk buried his head in his hands. He should walk back and check, but he couldn't go to their house again. He knew that if he saw them again he might just as well lie down beside them and put his phaser to his own head. More martyrdom; a useless, worthless, self-made absolution. At his hip, something pushed against his leg. He pulled the photograph out of his pocket, barely able to watch the Vulcans' faces, both lightly smiling for him, their human lover.

It was too much. It was too close. The photograph crumpled in his fingers as he fought another sob. He had to leave soon, and he had to leave everything behind; this would be the only way to be free. The photograph fell to the ground, a small colorful ball, and he didn't pick it up. They were dead, and what good would it do to remember them, now that he had to move on. A soft wind rose from the woods and played with the paper ball, rolling it into the street, away from him.

His hand found the communicator, a movement so long trained that his brain was completely left out of the process. "Kirk to Discovery," he said when it had snapped open, and was relieved to find his voice steady and controlled.

"Your time's not yet up, Lieutenant," Winters' voice came rolling through the open channel.

"But my mission's finished," Kirk said.

"Did you find him?"

Kirk stood up, taking the communicator in both hands. He closed his eyes and then decided to lie. "Yes, I did."

Silence hung in the connection, and Kirk's fingers clamped around the metal body of the device. So warm, it was so warm ...

"I see," the captain's voice replied. "Transporter room one is ready to beam you up on your signal."

"Thanks." Kirk stepped into the middle of the street and let his gaze travel around for a second. "One to beam up," he finally said. The last thing he saw of The'lan was a paper ball dancing in the wind.

*

EPILOGUE:

For years Kirk didn't think about The'lan, as if the memories had vanished like the colony in the shades of the past. In his private life, they had a family life as good or bad as most people. David grew up into a gifted, intelligent boy, soon on track to become a scientist.

Kirk was promoted to captain, later admiral. He excelled in the conflict with Orion over some planets in the Antares sector and was one of the important figures of Earthfleet during the expansion phase of the Earth Federation in the 2280's.

It was by pure chance that he later learned that Orion had tried to subdue the Vulcan primary system just around the time at which the Surak'ai had left the planet. The Orions had lost the war and had been archenemies of the Vulcans ever since. The information where to find an unarmed colony of them had been worth half a million credits to them, as Kirk found out when they uncovered the mole in the Earthfleet headquarters. The man was sentenced to twenty years in prison.

It didn't absolve Kirk from his self-made prison of guilt which he could never escape, no matter how hard he tried. Sometimes he dreamed of them, usually when the moon was illuminating the streets as brightly as on The'lan. One day Carol left him and he didn't seem to care. They diagnosed depression later when they found his body behind the house after he had committed suicide by ramming a saber into his chest, an heirloom of his family back from the times of the American Civil War. His last will told them to bury him in the field behind his home instead of the official cemetery, and so the officials of Earthfleet went down to Iowa to pay their last respects to one of their greatest colleagues. As Kirk's body turned to dust, The'lan became a forgotten footnote in the databanks of the universe.