Chapter Text
Church tilted his head up, glaring at the ceiling and twitching every time Tucker's cold fingertips brushed his neck. He struggled to settle his nauseous stomach as Tucker moved from adjusting his collar to working on his bow-tie.
"How do you even know how to tie a bow tie?" Church asked, keeping his gaze trained on the ceiling. Tucker snorted but didn't reply, just continued on with his work. Church didn't really mind, since he didn't really care when or how Tucker learned how to do half the stuff he knew how to do. Something about not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Words to live by.
As soon as Tucker stepped away, Church turned to look in the full-length mirror. His tux was adjusted and done up perfectly, thanks to Tucker and Donut. His Best Man and Groomsman Number Two were standing to either side of him, nodding enthusiastically. The more Church stared at himself in the mirror, hair combed, suit pressed, small silver and gold band around his left ring finger, the sicker he felt.
Tucker noticed, and, with a sigh, grabbed his arm and dragged him to the half-bath. Church immediately doubled over the toilet and threw his guts up. Vomiting was Church's least favourite activity, yet he'd been getting pretty well-acquainted with the nice, clean toilet in the small washroom.
"Great," Donut said, disappointed. "Now we have to fix your suit again."
"No, you don't," Church stood and flushed the toilet, turning the sink on and splashing water on his face. "Because I'm not getting married. It's not happening."
"Oh, not this again," Tucker rolled his eyes. "Dude, you're my best friend and everything, but I'm this close to joining Wash's side on the wedding party. Like, no matter how much I hate the guy, at least he has his shit together."
--
"I can't do this!" Wash cried as he paced quickly, dress shoes scuffing against the imperial rug. "This isn't happening."
Maine raised an eyebrow and folded his arms.
I can't get used to it," Wash said, messing up the hair that he hadn't even begun to style yet. "We've been together for four years, Maine, and I'm still not confident I deserve this. That I deserve him."
Maine scoffed.
"Look," Wash glared at his best friend. "I know you don't like him, but he's a good person. Not even you can deny that." Maine just shrugged. Wash threw his arms up. "And what am I? Maine, I'm a terrible excuse for a human being. I don't think I have ever made a single good decision in my life."
Maine pointed to the ring on Wash's left ring finger, a thin silver band studded with blue zircon. Wash sighed and stared down at his hand, balled in a fist. The ring reflected the light, causing Wash's eye to twitch.
"This was an awful decision," Wash said stubbornly. Maine growled in annoyance. "It was! It is! The only reason Church agreed to marry me is because he's an idiot-" Maine shook his head and pointed to Wash, who narrowed his eyes. "What? I am not an idiot. I'm the responsible one."
Maine smirked. Wash glared before resuming his pacing. "I should have made York my Best Man."
Wash snorted when Maine growled and took an offended step back. "I'm kidding," Wash said with an eyeroll. But then he threw his arms up again and clutched at his hair. "I shouldn't even have a Best Man because I shouldn't get married." Wash ignored Maine's grumble of protest. "I am perfectly happy with my current life. Having a boyfriend is fine. Who needs a husband? Boyfriend is fine, boyfriend is good."
Maine pulled out the whiteboard and scribbled something. Wash continued pacing as he did so, before finally turning in Maine's direction when he heard him tapping the whiteboard's surface.
YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT
Wash shuffled over to the chair by the mirror and settled in, grabbing the comb off of the side table and fiddling with it. He took a deep breath and then shook his head. "You're right."
Maine tapped the whiteboard again. Wash looked up.
YOU ARE AS GOOD A PERSON AS CHURCH IS: MEDIOCRE
Wash dragged a hand over his cheek. "Do you think I proposed because I'm scared of losing him?"
Maine shook his head. Wash sighed. "Then why did I propose? Because I don't have a fucking clue what I was thinking."
Maine thought for a moment, turning the whiteboard around and erasing the letters on it. He tapped the pen a few times before writing something quickly, underlining it several times.
YOU LOVE HIM
"Sure," Wash said with a small laugh. "But that means I should want what's best for him, right? So why the hell am I marrying him if I know I'm no good for him?"
That time, Maine didn't hesitate to erase those three words and write something new.
YOU'RE A SELFISH SON OF A BITCH
"Glad we've come to the same conclusion," Wash mumbled with a bitter smile. He stood up and adjusted his jacket with trembling fingertips. "Now help me get ready."
Maine made an amused sort of rumble in his throat, and the two of them got to work.
--
Tucker poked his head into Wash's room to collect his ring, looked him up and down one time, and then groaned.
"Really? You too?" Tucker cried as Wash dropped the ring into his open palm, on top of Church's. Tucker's responsibility, before he joined Church's side at the altar, was to help Junior be the ring bearer. He was already running late, since there were only about ten minutes or so before they were supposed to walk down the aisle, but he had to poke at Wash a few times. "Why do you and Church both look like you're on your way to the electric chair?"
Wash blinked. "Wait... Church is nervous too?"
Tucker stood up straighter, eager to complain about his friend. "Yes! Oh my god, he's thrown up like a million times! Pretty sure he had a panic attack, too. It's a miracle he's fronted this whole time," Tucker paused and gave Wash a half-grin. "Guess he must really want to marry you, huh?"
Wash bit back the explanation that switching isn't normally Church's conscious choice, because in that moment, Tucker was honestly trying to encourage Wash in his own special way. He had to give Tucker credit for being observant enough to sense his nerves. He liked to think he was less obvious than Church with how he was feeling at any given time.
"You want to marry him too, right?" Tucker asked suddenly. Wash creased his brows in concern.
"Of course I do," he said immediately, feeling Maine's hand land heavy on his shoulder. The gesture itself was a told you so, if Wash had ever seen one. "...of course I do."
Tucker nodded. "Cool, cool," he paused. "I guess you're okay, Wash."
"Thanks." Wash narrowed his eyes. Tucker shrugged and swaggered away. Both Wash and Maine silently watched him go. "...well, I suppose that's a start."
Maine grunted and turned back around.
"Well, you like him more than Caboose, at least," Wash argued, knowing exactly what that grunt meant. "And if you're actually my best friend, you're going to have to learn to spend a lot more time with these guys."
Maine stayed silent.
"Seriously, we're getting married now, so the family has to learn to get along."
Maine grumbled.
"Of course you're my family!" Wash said, folding his own arms. "You're like the brother I never had. Ever. Seriously, do you know how much I wanted a brother as a kid?"
Maine grinned. Wash shrugged and continued.
"And they deny it, but Tucker and Church are brothers until the day they die," Wash finished. "So get along with Tucker. He's not... too bad?"
Maine grabbed the whiteboard.
YOU'RE USUALLY A BETTER LIAR
Wash shrugged. "Yeah, I just can't even pretend to believe myself with that."
--
Church fidgeted at the ballroom door, glancing down the hallway he came from for a glimpse of Wash. After some debate while planning the wedding months prior, they decided to walk to the altar together. But the longer Wash took, the more nervous Church got. By the time he looked up and saw him walking his way, his stomach was in a very, very tight knot.
He wished he could say Wash made the knot go away, but that would be a lie. If anything, it got tighter. When Wash took Church's hand and searched his eyes, Church wouldn't deny blacking out for a moment. But what was important was that he was still there. He came back. He wanted to be the one to say "I do," kiss the groom, and sign those papers.
"You alright?" Wash asked. Church scoffed and gripped the ballroom door handle.
"Yeah," Church nodded. Wash's hand in his was a grounding force, that gave him the confidence to push the door open. "Let's get married."
Wash scoffed. "You could sound more excited about it."
"Oh, like you can talk," Church snarked back as they hurried down the aisle. "Tucker told me you were totally freaking out just like me."
"I didn't throw up," Wash defended himself. "I wasn't really 'freaking out,' either. I was just nervous."
"Nervous is still freaking out," Church cried, feeling heat rise to his face. "So get off your high horse."
Wash yanked his hand out of Church's as they made it to the altar. He paid no attention to the concerned looks from Tucker, Grif, and Donut behind Church. He chose, instead, to glare at his fiance. "What high horse? I'm not trying to say I'm better than you, I'm saying that if you actually want to marry me, you can show some more enthusiasm."
"Well sorry," Church cried, hunching his shoulders and ignoring the squeak from Donut. He knew he was wrinkling the suit. He didn't care. "It's a little hard to be enthusiastic when I feel like I'm going to throw up everywhere."
"If you feel that bad, then maybe we shouldn't get married," Wash replied, narrowing his eyes. Church folded his arms and stared up defiantly. "Clearly this is a mistake."
"Oh, yeah, just like you to back out when the going gets tough."
"Me?! Back out when- oh that's some shit, Church-"
"Uh, guys?"
Church, along with Wash, turned to glare at Simmons. The man was looking at them in concern, wearing some robes and holding a small book. He slowly relaxed when he saw they weren't going to yell at him.
"If you guys aren't going to get married," Simmons explained quietly. "Can I go change? Because these robes are itchy..."
"Who the fuck said we weren't getting married?" Church reeled back defensively. Wash, too, looked indignant. "Of course we're getting married!"
Simmons stuttered. "What, but, um, okay. I was just..."
"Can you believe this guy?" Church asked Wash, who just shook his head. "Goddamn Reds never should have been invited."
"You take that back!" Sarge yelled, standing up out of his chair and pointing at the two of them. Wash rolled his eyes and cupped his hands around his mouth.
"You weren't invited, Sarge!" Wash called back. "You were never invited!" He turned to Church. "Why is he here?"
Church squinted at Wash. "Why are you asking me?"
"Well you-"
"Just kiss already!" Tucker cried. Simmons whipped his head around at Tucker.
"They can't kiss until I read this!" Simmons waved the book.
"Then read it, Simmons!" Church and Wash both yelled at the same time. Simmons' surprised squeak is what untied the knot and restored Church's energy. He looked at Wash and sighed. "Have I ever mentioned I love you?"
"I love you too," Wash replied casually. "Now let's get this over with."
"Agreed."
Simmons stared at the two of them for a moment. "Uh... were those your speeches?"
Church and Wash exchanged a glance. "We were supposed to have speeches?"
Simmons shrugged. "Well, you're not supposed to," he explained. "But a lot of couples do."
"Yeah, we'll skip that bit," Church decided. Wash nodded his agreement. "Get to the 'I Do's, or whatever."
"Right, okay, uh," Simmons looked up at Wash. "Um, David Washington and Leonard Church, it is time to say the pledges which will affirm your marriage. Please take each other’s hand, face each other, and repeat after me: I, uh, your name, take you, um, other name, to be no other than yourself. Loving and trusting what I know of you, with respect to your integrity, and with faith in your love for me, through our years together, and in all that life may bring us, I accept you as my partner in life."
Church took Wash's hands and tilted his head up to look him in the eyes.
"I, Church-"
"You have to say Leonard Church-"
"I, Church," Church said harshly, glaring as Simmons for a moment. "Take you, Washington, to be no other than yourself. Loving and trusting and a total asshole, with respect to your integers, and with faith in your love for me, because I'm awesome, and in all the ways life will fuck us, the way you fuck me will be the best. Amen."
Simmons sighed, but Church didn't care, because Wash was staring at Church with an amused smile and a shimmer in his eyes. He set his shoulders back and whispered. "Wash, it's your turn."
"Right," Wash breathed. "Okay. I, Washington, expect you, Church, to be a complete dick all of the time. And even though you're an asshole, I will respect your integrity, and have faith in your love for me, through all our years together, and all that life may bring us. I accept you as you are, my partner in life, my best friend, and above all, the biggest piece of shit I'll ever love." He glanced at Simmons. "I'm not going to say amen."
"You... never had to," Simmons sighs. He gestures for Junior to walk over. "May I have the rings?"
Junior perked up and hurried over, keeping a close eye on the rings on the small pillow. Simmons took the pillow and thanked a proud looking Junior, who stood straight beside Simmons with a wide smile on his face.
"Thank you Junior," Simmons said, and then turned to the grooms. "Let these rings be a symbol of your undying love, blah blah blah-"
"Now you're doing it right." Church said cheerfully.
"Wash," Simmons handed Wash Church's ring. "Will you place this ring on Church's finger and say to him, 'I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you?'"
Wash frowned at the ring in his hand, and then at Church.
"Why can't he put it on himself?" Wash asked. Church smugly held his hand out and wiggled his fingers.
"Make sure you kiss my hand when you do it," Church drawled. "Oh loyal servant."
Wash rolled his eyes and slipped the ring onto Church's finger with a far more delicate touch than Church had been expecting.
"This is a symbol of my love," Wash deadpanned. "A very expensive symbol of my love."
"All I wanted was a puppy," Church joked, holding out his hand for Wash's ring. Once he had it, he grabbed Wash's hand and slid it on. "There's my symbol of love. That you bought."
"Because you were too lazy to go to the jewelry store."
"Listen, I had way more important things to do."
"I really doubt-"
"Church and Wash," Simmons interrupted, tugging at the collar of his robes. "And all of you gathered here today-"
"What?" Church looked around the room. "Why do they get a shout-out?"
"It's in the script," Simmons floundered. "I can... change it?"
"Yeah. Change it." Church glared at the audience, who were looking various degrees of amused and horrified. "Hate you assholes."
"Alright," Simmons cleared his throat. "Church and Wash, may the love in your hearts give you joy. May the greatness of life bring you peace. And may your days be good and your lives be long upon the earth. So be it."
"Yawn." Church said. Wash glared at him. Church pouted back. Wash rolled his eyes. Church rolled his own.
"Church and Wash," Simmons said in a voice that suggested he was finishing up. "Will you seal your marriage with a kiss?"
Church immediately jumped up and pressed his lips to Wash's, who staggered back a few steps before wrapping his arms around Church and kissing back with all he had. Everyone in the room erupted into cheers and applause, and as soon as the two grooms separated, Church turned to them and threw his fist in the air.
"Woohoo!" Church cheered. "That was awesome!"
Wash huffed and lowered Church to the ground, keeping a hand on his hip.
"You ready to sign a lot of papers?" Wash asked. Church groaned.
"Can I get a few beers in me first?" Church asked. Wash shook his head.
"I'd rather you legally marry me while sober," he replied with a stubborn frown. "I've heard enough horror stories."
Church sighed, but nodded in agreement. "Alright, whatever. Anything for you."
"All of this is true?" Wash asked with a twinkle in his eye. Church grinned and started clapping.
"But the best story that I could ever tell," Church started singing off-key, and his grin widened when Wash's smooth voice joined in. They pressed their chests close together, with wide smiles on their faces. "Is the one where I am growing old with you." Both of them finished. Church went up onto his toes and pressed his lips to Wash's once more.
Because that never got old.