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Hi, I'm Basil. I'm shy and gay. And I hate myself.
I'm too skinny compared to other boys my age, I look like I'm nine years old, I don't like sports, I have horrible acne, and I'm probably going to die alone.
I think people talk about their crushes here, but I don't have any. I would totally marry my best friend Sunny if given the chance, but that's just not reality.
In middle school, I was able to dodge all the “gay” rumors by having lots of female friends. Because I was an accidental chick magnet, I flew under the radar for a while, and my relationship status wasn't a point of contention for anyone. I actually liked having many female friends. They were mature, and I didn't have to worry about being shoved into a locker!
But now that my female companions and I have gone our separate ways, I have no one to cover for me! I mean, I still have a couple, but not enough to hide myself away from bullies anymore.
I'm terrified that someone might find out about my homosexuality. I'm terrified that my friends and all the people whom I hold dear will ostracize me and leave me forever. I'm terrified that Grandma will shun me and not love me anymore. That would be horrible because she’s the only person I have left after all my friends.
I can handle being called a pimple-faced strawberry. I can handle being called a toothpick. But being called a “faggy dickless son of a bitch” is where I cross the line.
And I didn’t make that up. I overheard someone saying that while on my way to my freshman biology class. Instead of being focused on meiosis or whatever, I kept replaying that moment, wondering when it would happen to me! My life sucks! Absolutely ludicrous!
I know living in fear isn’t the best way to go about life, but I think I’m just one of those people who are innate worrywarts. Like I’m born with it. It’s probably why my parents ditched me and made me live with my grandma instead. They could smell the gay and the cortisol.
Haha, sometimes I just remember I’m so sad. Ahh!!! I’m so sad. Someone feel bad for me… please…
None of my friends know I’m gay. Isn’t that just crazy? One wrong move and I could be all alone again.
Anyways, I’m rambling now. My words are just disjointed and irrelevant. Nobody cares.