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It took everything in Eli's power to not break down during Jordan's funeral.
It was masked underneath Jacob's name, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less. To see that Jacob was equally as guilt-wrecked from the prospect of his brother's death has squeezed his heart in someway. Though he had months to process that Jordan was gone, traces of his presence still lingered in his brother.
The way that Jacob scratched his chin when he was caught in a contradiction.
The mole that both twins had, awfully close to their lips that Eli has caught himself observing one too many times.
But Jacob needed him during the funeral. Their argument in the crematorium had clearly shaken him to his core, and despite the tearful speech he gave as Jordan, he knew that without either of them, the two would crack under the pressure of the web of lies that they had built up to this moment.
After the main speeches were given and after Jordan was lowered into the ground, they stood together in the rainy weather, staring at the headstone that engraved Jacob's name, shared by both him and Jordan.
The rain was louder than their silence. Eli squeezed Jacob's hands reassuringly.
Jacob didn't squeeze back, but his thumb rubbed over Eli's hand as a response.
When they were both children, Jordan and Eli made a secret vow together.
Eli remembered it like it happened yesterday. Jordan and Jacob were celebrating their eleventh birthday, and the backyard was decked out with party balloons and streamers, the paper remains scattered around the grass.
Jordan and Eli had run back into the house during a game of hide-and-seek, and Jacob was the seeker. While he was counting loudly from downstairs, Jordan and Eli were hiding underneath the bed, looking at each other and muffling their laughs.
Jordan looked through the room, his eyes landing on the clock hanging on the wall. His eyes widened at he turned back to Eli, face serious with a hint of excitement. "Eli! It's almost 11:11!"
Eli looked back at his friend confused. "Yeah? So?"
Jordan huffed out a breath, which made Eli laugh a little. Jordan was always cute when he looked like that. "It's 11:11, Eli! Which means you have to make a wish! And then one day, that wish will come true!"
"How do you know that it'll come true?" Eli whispered, voice lowering when they heard Jacob's footsteps thumping up the stairs. Jordan looked deep in thought, and then shrugged. "Dunno. But I heard it from my mom, so it has to be true!"
Eli laughed, and turned back to look at the clock. The long hand had landed on the eleven line, so he quickly closed his eyes, making his wish quickly. I wish that me, Jordan, and Jacob can stay together forever.
When he opened his eyes again, Jordan had inched a bit closer to Eli, looking at him smiling. That made a funny feeling swoop in Eli's stomach and he felt suddenly shy. "So? What did you wish for?" He asked.
Eli never got to respond, because at that moment, the door to their hiding spot swung open and they scream-laughed when Jacob thrusted a hand underneath the bed.
It was a wet morning when Eli arrived at the cemetery where Jordan was buried.
Though it had already been a week since his funeral, Eli's dreams had been plagued with the sights of Jordan's pale, cold body, and the sight of him being killed in the car explosion over and over and over.
This was one of those moments. After waiting up in a cold sweat, Eli had shoved the duvets aside and impulsively drove in the direction of where his heart had been buried with his first crush.
His footsteps felt heavy as he trudged up the wet, sticky mud towards Jordan's grave. If Jordan could see him now, he'd probably chide him for not bringing an umbrella, then force him to dry himself off, hiding his true intentions behind sharp words and soft actions. Like he's done all his life.
Eli sank to his knees, raising a hand and touching the words 'Jacob Kane', unable to see where Jacob ended and started with Jordan anymore. The two had essentially merged into one person, for better or worse, and it killed Eli to see this happening in real time.
"Hi, Jordan," He whispered, pressing his hand firmer against his last name. "I... I'm sorry I couldn't come see you sooner after the funeral. Things just got so, so busy at the Unit and we... we couldn't really do much with the schedule. Not with Sloan and Koska up our asses all the time."
Eli swallowed back a laugh at the thought of Jordan's pulled face at this statement. "Jacob's... he's doing really well as you. Given, he's not as strict as you were, nor is he a pain in the ass to deal with at work, but... I think the team likes him. He's good for the Unit, I mean- even Max is warming up to him! And, you know, that's probably because they found Silas again."
Grief took hold of Eli's heart and he lowered his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "... I miss you." He whispered, a silent confession meant for Jordan only, getting swept away in the pouring rain. "It's not fair of me to miss you when I know that Jacob misses you too, but... I don't know I-I feel like I can't do anything when you're not here. And every time I look at Jacob, I see you. It hurts because you're twins and Jacob is a walking image of you and-and I don't know where he ends and you start anymore."
Eli kneeled there for a while, hands pressed against his eyes harshly, breathing heavily as the tears overtook him. He sniffed and looked, trying to smile. "Sorry. I didn't- I didn't want to come all the way over to cry in front of you. I know you wouldn't have wanted that. I'm sorry."
A shadow appeared over Eli, and when he looked up, he saw Jacob holding an umbrella over him, a sympathetic expression on his face. "Hi." He whispered, voice cracking with emotion.
Eli swallowed back tears, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Hey." He responded back.
A breath left Jacob's chest. "I knew I'd find you here." He looked back at the gravestone, at his own name disguising his brother's death. "It's funny." Jacob said hollowly, the shadows blocking his face from visible expression. "All these years, I thought... he hated me. Why else would he have not reached out after seven years? But... after that night, I don't... I don't know what to think anymore."
"Yeah, that's Jordan for you," Eli sobbed out, a laugh intertwined in between his words. "He's so complicated and he never says what he actually means. But he cared, Jacob," he looked up towards Jacob, seeing so much of Jordan in him that it hurts. He supposed that it will never go away. "He cared for you even while he was working in TRU."
Jacob laughed, sounding defeated. He dropped the umbrella and sat down next to Eli, looking at the gravestone that was addressed to both the Kane Twins. "I miss him." He said, eyes never leaving his name on the headstone.
Eli laughed bitterly. "Yeah. Me too."
Jacob checked his watch, looking towards. "Oh. It's- It's almost 11:11. Don't you have to make a wish or something? Like you did with Jordan all the time?"
Eli swallowed, heart fluttering. "You knew about that?"
The blonde rolled his eyes, shooting his friend a smirk. "Dude, you and Jordan were so obvious. I think it took me a few days of you guys consistently closing your eyes and looking at each other funny for me to figure it out."
Eli felt his cheeks warm even in the rain. "Yeah, yeah. Okay. Don't make fun if me because of it!" He groaned, looking up towards the clouds as the droplets splattered on his face.
"Hey. I'll wish with you. If-If I'm allowed to." Jacob stuttered, words coming out before he could stop himself. Eli stared at him for a few seconds, before smiling and elbowing him. "We gotta keep the tradition alive somehow, eh Kane?"
Jacob grinned and turned to stare at the headstone, closing his eyes and pressing his hands together.
I wish that me and Eli can stay together.
Eli felt his heart throb at the sight of Jacob wishing, and closed his eyes to do the same.
I wish that Jacob stays safe forever.