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Courfeyrac woke up with a level of hangover he didn't think existed for human beings (except for Grantaire). He imagined that at his forehead cracks where starting to form, little fissures that each time he inhaled grew larger and larger until his brain started oozing out. The thought, and the excessive amount of alcohol he drank the night before, made him want to puke.
Actually, the idea of moving seemed just as unappealing.
He tried sitting up and failed, flopping back in his bed. Then his covers made a noise that sounded vaguely like snoring. Courfeyrac looked over and saw a head of unruly hair. He had broken rule number one. Rule number one: never bring anyone home.
Courfeyrac lifted the covers up and saw a sparkly dress before slowly putting them back down. This could only be solved with coffee. He got out of bed slowly and tip toed across the room, opening and closing the door as quietly as he could manage. He sagged against his door and nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt someone lightly touch his arm. “Jesus fucking Christ, Cosette,” he hissed.
She smiled and lifted up her mug. “I made a fresh pot.”
Courfeyrac put a finger to his lips and walked towards the kitchen, motioning for Cosette to follow. When they get there he peeked around the corner, as if the mystery woman (with the great ass, if he wasn’t freaking out so much he would give himself a high five) might be right there waiting for him. “I brought someone home,” he hissed.
Cosette quirked an eyebrow and said, “What’s her name?”
“It could be a he. Everyone deserves to experience all of this.”
“Then what’s his or her name?”
“It’s a her, and I don’t know.”
“Where did you meet her?”
“I don’t know.”
Cosette sighed in frustration, “What do you know?”
“That I broke my biggest rule,” Courfeyrac responded, his voice rising in panic.
Cosette went to the cupboard and got out a mug, pouring coffee into it and handing it to him. She hopped up on the counter and took a sip of her own, before saying, “You’ll have to explain, because I thought your number one rule involved your hair care regimen.”
He ignored the dig and began, “I, as we both know, am the sex and irresistible to—“
“You mean a giant whore, yes I know.”
“Shush, this is Courfeyrac story time,” He said, before continuing. “Well a few years ago I brought home this girl. Really hot. Huge tits. So we had crazy hot, well,” he made a series of complicated gestures involving fingers and holes.
Cosette lets out another sigh of exasperation, “Seriously, you want to be a journalist when you grow up. You want to paint a picture with words, and that is how you try to say you had sex with her.”
“Shut up, I’m hung over!” He cleared his throat, “Anyway, so the sex was good, but in the morning she asked me if I wanted to go get brunch. Girls ask you if you want to get brunch because they want you to get to know them. And I was not interested in getting to know her. So I gave her some excuse, but then I naively gave her my number. My real number. That was mistake number two. She starts calling me at least five times a day. When I don’t respond she starts showing up and leaving me baked goods. Then one night she see me with another girl.” Courfeyrac shivered at the memory. “We’re still not sure what she put in those muffins, but Marius and I were sick for days.”
“I’m sorry, are you saying she poisoned you?”
“I’m not saying she did, but I’m definitely not saying she didn’t.”
“And ever since then you haven’t brought a girl home?”
“Yes,” He responded. “Now you get why I am in such trouble.”
Cosette smirked at him, “Maybe she’s your soul mate. Maybe love has always been just around the corner. Maybe you just have to open your heart. You can be like Grantaire and Enjolras.”
Courfeyrac turned a violent shade of green. “Do not even joke,” he snarled, making Cosette laugh. He held his finger up to his lips and her laugh died down to a chuckle. “But what am I going to do?” He whined.
She shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“Please pretend to be my angry, jealous girlfriend. Then she’ll be terrified and leave.”
“This is not Will and Grace, I will not pretend to be your girlfriend just to get rid of your booty call. That is a horrible idea.”
“That is a perfect idea.”
“I just said I wouldn’t do it.”
“You were out of town, and you got home early to surprise me.”
“Courfeyrac, you are an idiot. This is worse then the time you got drunk and started adding bro to everyone’s names.”
“Brosette, that was a great night.”
“Seriously, it’s like you get off on being stupid.”
“No, this is perfect. I might even use this in the future. At bars, to get rid of the uglies.”
“You are a horrible human being.”
“Um, Courfeyrac, can I borrow some clothes?”
Courfeyrac turned around and saw Jehan in a sparkly pink floor length dress, barefoot and tired looking. He responded by running up to him with a shout joy, picking him up and twirling him around as Cosette laughs in the background. Jehan managed to squeak, “Put me down!”
“I am so happy it’s just you Jehan! I thought I had broken my most important rule!”
“Never get your hair cut at Super Cuts?” Jehan asks, visibly confused.
Cosette laughs, “Never bring someone home.”
“Oh,” Jehan says, nodding in understanding. “Because of the crazy muffin lady?”
“Yes.” Courfeyrac says, “How did you end up here?”
Jehan looks a little sheepish. “I, uh, I took some acid last night. I’m pretty sure I ended up trading clothes with a drag queen. That’s where I ran into you. And I think we decided I was too strung out to be at home alone.” He starts playing with a strand of his hair and looked at the floor. “But really, I have work, and I don’t think the manager would approve of this,” He says gesturing at his dress, “It’s not really proper barista attire.”
“You’re not really a proper barista.”
“Can I please borrow some clothes?”
“Of course you can,” Cosette said. She hopped of the counter and grabbed Jehan’s hand. “I think Marius has a shirt with a floral print that you’ll like. I think it’ll be more your style then anything Courfeyrac owns.” Jehan visibly brightened at the words floral and nodded in excitement.
“Hey Jehan,” Courfeyrac calls out, and they both turn. “For what it’s worth, you have a fantastic ass.”