Work Text:
Cens + Co.
Dykstra: Today is the day!
Hollander: Remind me why Ilya and I are the ones taking them?
Bood: You and Roz already handle Luca’s doctor’s appointments anyways
Bood: It was only a matter of time.
Chouinard: That fact is still crazy to me.
Harris: Mom and Dad taking their kids to the doctor!
Hollander: I am not their mother.
Hayes: Hollzy we never said you specifically were Mom…
Hayes: ADMIT IT
LaPointe: ooooh he got you
Hollander: LP I am sitting right next to you. Do not make me smack you.
Hollander: We are not Mom and Dad.
Bood: Right yes you are Dad and Dad.
Dykstra: Surprised Ilya isn’t here.
Hollander: He is currently calming Holmy down.
Rozanov: I see texts now.
Rozanov: We are not Dad and Dad either.
Rozanov: We are Dad and Papa.
Hayes: awwww
Boyle: Really Hayes?
Bood: Why was Holmy so upset?
Holmberg: What if they take my wisdom?
Bood: Ohhh
Rozanov: Then Young has nothing to worry about.
Young: thank god
Chouinard: Oh buddy…
Haas: Cap stop bullying my boyfriend.
Rozanov: No.
LaPointe: I’m hungry and we’ve been here for an hour already
Hollander: For the last time, you can’t eat before surgery
LaPointe: and I will say again, I accept the risk
Dykstra: No Bud that’s not up to you
Hayes: If you eat they have to cancel the whole thing
Holmberg: really?
Rozanov: Don’t even think about it. Today will be and has been long enough.
Barrett: Trouble making it to the office?
Hollander: Jack tried to make a run for it.
Holmberg: I DID NOT.
Holmberg: I was taking a stroll before we left.
Rozanov: A stroll is not running out of my front door and sprinting down the street when we say to get in the car it is time to go.
Bood: How far did he make it?
Young: two miles
Boyle: GODDAMN
Holmberg: Just a nice… stroll
Hayes: Are they staggered or all at once?
Hollander: All at once.
Barrett: I can’t tell if that’s gonna be a good thing or a bad thing.
Bood: Bad thing no matter what I think.
Hollander: I’m glad my stress amuses you.
Haas: I am very excited for the soup.
Harris: The what???
Haas: The soup!
Rozanov: I am making them borscht for afterwards since no solid food.
Dykstra: You going soft Cap?
Rozanov: Shut up.
Young: Luca is the only one who’s ever had it
LaPointe: It’s so not fair.
Haas: I got it cause I got bronchitis. I earned that soup.
Hayes: What the hell I want russian soup?
Rozanov: Be sick then.
Bood: Brb gonna sleep in the snow and get pneumonia so Cap makes me soup.
Hollander: Please tell me you are joking.
Bood: Yes.
Barrett: I’ve had the soup and I wasn’t sick?
LaPointe: NO FAIR.
Rozanov: He was lovesick.
Harris: Awwww
Hollander: Guess who just tried to make another break for it.
Bood: Dude…
Holmberg: I just wanted to take a stroll outside.
Young: Your last stroll was a two mile sprint and we had to chase you down in the mini van.
Boyle: You guys have a minivan?
Chouinard: Does it have stickers on the back?
Rozanov: We got it for when watching the Pike children. Turns out it was for our own oversized toddlers.
Rozanov: Yes. Shane won’t let me put stickers on his boring car and they do not belong on sports cars so I put them all on van.
Rozanov: 1 image attached
[A photo of the back of the Hollanov mini van. It is covered in bumper stickers.
Sticker #1: On a hot pink background in an old timey font it reads: ‘HONK IF YE BE A WENCH!’. There is a photo of a victorian woman next to it.
Sticker #2: A white background with a sheer image of a shrimp of some sort reads: ‘Born Again Crustacean’ in orange and blue.
Sticker #3: In the Cracker Barrel color scheme, font, and with a picture of the logo it says: ‘My wife left me after I sat on my gun weird and blew my entire dick and balls off at cracker barrel’
Sticker #4: Says ‘I EAT AQUARIUM ROCKS just a little bit sometimes as a treat’ with a picture of a goldfish and the cool aquarium rocks as the background.
Sticker #5: A badly photoshopped image of One Direction on a crosswalk that says: ‘I miss the beatles’
Sticker #6: Another badly photoshopped image. A white background with stock image flames and a stock image gorilla that says in all caps, ‘GOLIRA’.]
Chouinard: I was expecting like those stick figure families. Not whatever this is.
Dykstra: I have so many questions.
Young: Lowkey I do be wanting to eat those aquarium rocks.
Hayes: Ye do be a wench sometimes though.
Bood: Right…
Barrett: Can someone explain the GOLIRA one?
Rozanov: Shane picked that one.
Boyle: HUH?
Rozanov: One Direction one was gift from Pike for my birthday.
Rozanov: Rest were all my picks.
Bood: Well if I get you for secret santa next year I know exactly what I’m getting you.
Rozanov: Please do.
Hollander: It’s time to take them all back, we’ll keep you updated.
Hayes: Good luck boys!
Hollander: Is that for me and Ilya or the rooks?
Hayes: Yes.
***
45 minutes later…
Cens + Co.
Hollander: About an hour to go.
Bood: Please send all the videos.
Chouinard: Please.
Hollander: I still don’t see how it’s fair for me and Ilya to be taking care of 4 very loopy boys.
Dykstra: You wouldn’t let anyone else do it.
Dykstra: Admit it Hollzy, you’re a secret softy for them.
Hollander: I so would let anyone else do it.
Rozanov: Moy lyubimyy you volunteered to book the appointments and then said we will handle everything.
Hollander: People could’ve protested or offered to help.
Boyle: The look on your face screamed don’t mess with my kids.
Hollander: Not my kids.
Hayes: Not arguing against the look though…
Barrett: It should be concerning how codependent our team is right?
Bood: I mean they were all gonna refuse the surgery unless they could get it done at the same time.
Hollander: Please don’t remind me, finding an office that would do four simultaneous wisdom tooth removals was so difficult.
Hayes: Idk Luca was pretty close to cracking and asking to have his booked.
Dykstra: I caught him chewing on a baby teething toy two weeks ago.
Rozanov: WHAT?
Rozanov: I did not see this. Please tell me you took a photo.
Dykstra: Of course I did.
Dykstra: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Luca Haas, clearly unaware of the camera on him, sitting in his stall in the locker room. He’s got what looks like a child version of a key in his mouth that is yellow and orange. It is attached to a large blue ring with two other fake keys on it. His eyes are squeezed shut and his head is titled back in relief.]
Rozanov: Oh moy lapochka!
Barrett: So that’s what those are.
Harris: Babe what.
Barrett: I saw Holmberg putting them in the freezer one day.
Harris: And you were just like cool about that?
Barrett: I just thought okay weird and moved on.
Harris: God I love you so fucking much.
Dykstra: Wait Holmberg? You’re sure?
Barrett: Yeah.
Bood: You guys don’t think…
Hollander: That is so unsanitary.
Chouinard: Communal teething toy is crazy.
Boyle: What do you think the line is for them sharing things?
Hollander: Let’s not find out.
Hayes: I’ve seen them share equipment and swap sticks occasionally.
Dykstra: Did LP even need his wisdom teeth out?
Rozanov: Kinda.
Bood: The fuck does that mean??
Hollander: They said his could stay but he could also get them out as a precaution.
Rozanov: He told me he didn’t want to feel left out.
Chouinard: This is really making it hard for us to fight the gayest team in the MHL propaganda.
Boyle: Is it propaganda or is it just true?
Hayes: Probably just true…
***
1 hour later
Cens + Co.
Hollander: I am going to have an aneurism and die.
Barrett: That bad?
Hollander: We are finally in the car.
Hollander: It only took a lot of arguing and manhandling. I think Holmberg was ragdolling at one point. It’s a ten minute drive that is turning into much longer with how much we pull over.
Boyle: Why are you pulling over? I’d straight shot that.
Hollander: Luca is crying about how we won’t let him kiss Andrew. Not for a lack of them trying.
Harris: Awww mini Hollanov!
Rozanov: No. Not mini me and Shane.
Barrett: Aren’t you driving?
Rozanov: Pulled over again. Shane is separating them for fifth time.
Rozanov: When they pine for seven years before officially getting together then they can be mini Hollanov. They have not earned the title.
Hayes: I’m doing some math over here…
Bood: I feel like we should be glad they aren’t.
Hayes: THE WHOLE TIME??
Dykstra: They also openly made out in public spaces way before coming out.
Harris: Please don’t remind me that was a pr nightmare.
Dykstra: Sorry Harris.
Hayes: We’re just glossing over the timeline thing aren’t we?
Hollander: Warning they are about to get their phones back so we can finish the drive.
Harris: Please no.
Hollander: We deleted social media apps off their phones already as precaution.
LaPointe: HELLO
Bood: Hey buddy!
LaPointe: i do not like the car. it has ill intentions.
Boyle: Okay then.
Boyle: What kind of intentions?
LaPointe: It wants to steal my teeth.
Dykstra: No bud the doctor already did that.
Hayes: Seriously dude.
Hollander: Do you like making me miserable?
Hollander: He’s crying now.
Hollander: Bag skates for everyone - Ilya
Young: they won’t let us kiss it’s homphoivc
Haas: god forbid i wnt to fuck my sexxy boyfriend
Chouinard: Don’t like that.
Dykstra: NO! The drugs took Haasy’s innocence!
Bood: We haven’t heard from LaPointe is he good?
Hollander: He is too busy trying to put the phone in his mouth to text anybody.
***
10 minutes later
Cens + Co.
Rozanov: 1 video attached
[Video Transcription:
Shane has Holmberg’s arm around his shoulder as they walk, or really Shane drags him, toward the entrance of the Hollander-Rozanov house. Ilya is recording walking backwards to not miss anything.
Shane: Ilya help me or I swear to god.
Ilya (off camera): Let me get blackmail first.
Shane glares at him.
LaPointe (from a distance, likely inside the minivan in the background): When is it my turn?
Holmberg tries to turn toward the sound, fighting Shane.
Shane: Nope Nope Nope
Holmberg (muffled and barely understandable through the gauze): LP is here?
Ilya: Yes you all got your wisdom teeth out.
Holmberg forces Shane to stop walking and stares up at Ilya and subsequently, the camera, wide-eyed.
Holmberg: Please don’t take my wisdom.
Ilya: We do not need to worry about that.
Shane: Ilya be nice and help me.
Haas (Likely also from the van, very loudly): Hello? Is anyone there?
Holmberg (shouting directly in Shane’s ear): LUCA!
Shane: Ilya.
Ilya: Ok I help now.
The camera goes to the ground before cutting abruptly.]
Dykstra: Yeah group wisdom tooth surgery was definitely a bad idea.
Boyle: Thank god we have a week off.
***
30 minutes later
Cens + Co.
Hayes: I’m afraid to ask for an update.
Hollander: Ilya is working on the soup and LP, Young, and Holmy are all tucked on the couch. Google said that a baby sensory show could calm them so I put that on.
Dykstra: Suzie loves those shows.
Bood: Wait baby sensory shows? Like cocomelon?
Hollander: I don’t know, there are dancing fruit and calm music. It’s almost concerning how they are just slack-jawed watching it.
Barrett: Did you leave Haas in the car?
Rozanov: Do not accuse my husband of being terrible father like that Troy how dare you.
Hayes: Where is Luca?
Hollander: The drugs have made him clingy.
Dykstra: Clingy?
Hollander: Like won’t separate from Ilya whatsoever.
Hollander: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Ilya is leaning over a large pot on the stove seemingly normal. However, with arms wrapped around his neck and legs around his torso is Luca, essentially clinging to his back. He has his ice pack wrapped face leaned cheek to spine, and his glasses have become smushed up on his face. Ilya is having no outward reaction, as if this was just any other day.]
Bood: Ilya seems way too calm about this.
Bood: How often does this happen.
Hollander: Usually only when he’s drunk.
Rozanov: Lies! Shane please preserve our son’s dignity.
Hollander: He lost that dignity when he tried to make out with his boyfriend in our van.
Hayes: I’m noticing a lack of denial of parentage from Hollzy…
Chouinard: Took him a while…
LaPointe: HELLO
Harris: Hey buddy!
LaPointe: When do I get the soup?
Barrett: I’m pretty sure Ilya is cooking it right now.
LaPointe: Where is my shoe?
Barrett: I don’t have an answer for that one.
Dykstra: Have you checked your feet for the shoe?
LaPointe: holy shit
LaPointe: geenuses
Dykstra: Glad to help I think.
Hayes: Should we come over to help them?
Hollander: Why would you help him find the shoe?
Dykstra: What do you mean?
Hollander: He keeps trying to put it in his mouth.
Dykstra: How is that my fault? He didn’t give me a reason to need the shoe just that he didn’t know where it is.
Bood: Why is he trying to put it in his mouth?
Hollander: Honestly I think he just misses the teething keys, but he can’t have anything teething right now.
Hollander: Soup is ready. Wish us luck.
Boyle: I’m gonna pray instead. I think you need something stronger than wishing luck.
***
20 minutes later…
Cens + Co.
Hollander: 1 image attached
[Image Description: Holmberg is smiling up at the person behind the camera, presumably Shane. He has borscht all over his shirt, mouth, chin, and neck. The bowl is impeccably clean.]
Bood: Oh wow!
Hayes: That’s some good soup huh bud!
Hollander: He keeps making grabby hands at the stove for more.
Barrett: I mean… It is good soup.
Hayes: No need to flex, Troy.
Barrett: What does that even mean?
Harris: God I love you.
Holmberg: nah this is flexing
Holmberg: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A selfie of Holmberg. He’s flexing for the camera and attempting a sultry look. It would work, except he is still covered in soup and has very swollen cheeks.]
Rozanov: Watching him take that was fascinating.
Rozanov: Like a predator in the wild.
Hollander: Ilya no.
***
Cens + Co.
Hollander: LP won’t keep his damn hands out of his mouth. Any tips?
Chouinard: Can you give him something to hold?
Boyle: Usually works with my kids.
Hollander: Tried that. He just put it in his mouth.
Bood: Put what in his mouth?
Rozanov: Everything. Even precious items.
Hollander: The last straw was Ilya’s In The Zone cd.
Harris: ILYA!
Harris: Beautiful taste.
Hayes: It seems like LP would agree.
Rozanov: not funny.
Rozanov: Britney has forever teeth marks now.
Dykstra: What about handcuffs?
Hollander: Excuse you?
Dykstra: Hollzy who are you trying to fool?
Rozanov: You don’t know that Shane is the one being handcuffed. It could be me.
Bood: Cap I really don’t think that part is what he was referring to.
Hollander: Damnit Ilya.
10 minutes later…
Hollander: 1 image attached
[Image Description: LaPointe is pouting on the couch. His swollen face is wrapped in an ice pack and his hands in front of him are stuck in handcuffs. They have a fuzzy, cheetah-print fabric wrapped around them. He is pouting.]
Boyle: Awwwww
Dykstra: IDK about awww.
Bood: Cheetah print?
Hollander: Well I wasn’t going to use the expensive ones.
Chouinard: DAMN.
Hayes: Can I get a link for the expensive ones?
Hayes: For a friend.
Bood: Right…
Hollander: No problem.
***
1 hour later…
Hollander: Teresa Giudice is quite the character.
Bood: ???
Hayes: Hollzy you getting into the housewives?
Harris: Oh I 100% agree.
Hollander: She just flipped a table and I agree with the decision.
Rozanov: Young is a big housewives fan. It seems to have pacified him.
Rozanov: Sort of.
Rozanov: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A photo taken from the opposite side of the couch as Shane and Young. Shane has an arm wrapped around Young, attempting to hold him back from getting up. Young is pointing at the screen, mouth wide, presumably shouting. He is still leaned into Shane, as if they were cuddling before he began to lean forward.]
Bood: Aw! Bonding with his future son in law!
Hollander: Not you too.
Boyle: If Hollzy has Young, where’s Luca?
Hollander: 1 image attached
[Image Description: A photo taken from Shane’s side of the couch this time. Ilya is smiling for the camera, while a sleeping Luca is in his lap. He has his face shoved in Ilya’s stomach and his arms around his torso. He is clearly snoring.]
Dykstra: Even more adorable!
Rozanov: Yes I know, I am adorable.
Barrett: He was talking about Luca.
Boyle: DAMN
Rozanov: Moy lapochka is also adorable sure.
Hollander: I think we’re past the worst of it.
Hollander: They’re all sleeping now.
Hollander: 1 image attached
[Image Description: All 4 boys are sharing a king size bed. Haas and Young are cuddled up under their own blanket, squeezed tightly together. Holmberg is spread out next to them, still in his stained shirt. LaPointe is curled at the end of the bed like a dog, handcuffs still on.]
***
Instagram.com
OttawaCentaursMHL: six images
[Image One: A photo of all the rookies piled together on Hollanov’s couch. They have blankets on their laps and ice packs around their faces. LaPointe is in his handcuffs.
Image Two: Someone holding up a photo on their phone of Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks next to Luca’s swollen face. He is attempting to smile and his glasses are crooked.
Image Three: Holmberg attempting to lick his borscht bowl. It is dripping down his face and onto his shirt.
Image Four: LaPointe frowning at the camera with his hands held up. They are now wrapped in gauze paws and the edges are a little wet from slobber.
Image Five: Luca is wrapped around Ilya like a backpack while he is cooking the borscht. Ilya is having no outward reaction as if this were normal.
Image Six: Young is wide-eyed and pointing at the tv screen, leaning into Shane. Shane is looking at him indulgently. Part of the screen can be seen and Real Housewives of New Jersey is playing.]
Caption: Team bonding is getting your wisdom teeth out together.
600+ comments…
BoodMan: Really striking fear into our enemies here guys…
ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Never again.
LucaHaas71: Harris please delete.
WyHayesOtt: When did he get gauze paws?
IlyaRozanov81: @WyHayesOtt handcuffs were not working anymore.