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Wylan pressed his back harder into the railing of the ship, trying to imagine himself in a place anywhere other than where he was.
What am I doing here? He thought for what seemed to be the thousandth time in the past minute. He knew he was safe, well, as safe as you can be when travelling with the crows. But the rocking of the boat brought him back to that night in Belendt, with crashing waves and a pair of hands around his throat and—
He shut his eyes. Imagining solid ground. The barrel had never really been home; it may have drifted closer to what he imagined a home to be, but it wasn't. But the streets of the barrel were better suited to calm himself than his house in Gelstraat, especially when he was here.
"You look well." Jesper's sarcastic voice seemed to appear out of thin air next to Wylan, who nearly jumped out of his skin before gathering himself enough to retort with a strong glare.
"I'm fine." The Zemeni man nodded and sat down next to Wylan.
"Wasn't going to ask; I just assumed green's your new look," Glancing down at Wylan's forest green jacket, he added, "Not that I'd be opposed to that."
The demolition man looked away in a meaningless effort to hide the blush flushing his face. He sighed. "I don't like boats."
"Why?"
"I just don't." Jesper leaned away slightly, rocking back and forth.
"Got it, Geez." Wylan bit the inside of his lip, a pool of guilt forming in his stomach.
"I'm sorry." He muttered. "I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm just… On edge."
"It's fine." The man responded. "We all have our fears." Wylan only nodded in response. Jesper twiddled with a ring on his thumb.
"I'm scared of chickens." The gunsligner added.
"What?" Wylan gasped.
"Back when I was a kid in Novye Zem, a chicken escaped the chicken coop and chased me around for an hour. Had to climb a tree so it would leave me alone." Jesper nudged Wylan in the shoulder, watching the curly-haired boy smile into his shoulder. "Don't tease, I listened to you."
"Really? Chickens?" Wylan only responded.
"They're more dangerous than you'd think!" Jesper argued, almost shivering at the thought. "They have sharp beaks and feet, and they eat their own eggs. Like, what kind of crazy animal would do that?"
"Chickens are not crazy, you are." Jesper rolled his eyes playfully.
"You aren't much better." He poked Wylan in the shoulder. "Boats can't chase you, or bite you. The worst thing that can happen is if you, like, fall into the canal or something."
Wylan cringed, shrinking back slightly. Jesper stared at him while trying to make sense of the reaction.
"Did you fall off a boat?" The smaller man looked away; the light mood sucked from the air. "Oh my saints, I need the whole story."
"It's not that interesting, or anything." Wylan refused to meet Jesper's eyes, a dark flush creeping up his neck to the sides of his face.
"Anything that gives me the visual of you falling from a boat seems pretty interesting to me." Wylan continued to shake his head.
"I'm not sure if I—"
"Who? Where? When?" Jesper paused for a moment. "Why?"
"Drop it, Jesper." Wylan suddenly snapped; the other forced himself not to flinch. "I don't want to talk about it."
"I—" Jesper searched for an excuse. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude or anything. I just got excited."
Wylan was silent for a long while with his eyes closed. His breathing was slow and stuttering as he unvoluntarily left Jesper in an agonizing silence.
Should I leave? Jesper considered for a moment, sitting up. Does he want to be alone? Does he want company? I should leave. He turned on his heel to try to walk away as lightly as possible, not to disturb Wylan.
"Don't go." He felt a hand grab onto his wrist. Saints, Jesper. Read a room. "Please, I'm sorry."
Wylan didn't think he could stand being alone right now. Not while the sun was setting slowly over the horizon and the stars crept up from where they had been hidden.
Jesper cringed at himself, but sat back down next to Wylan, forcing himself to stay mostly still while the other boy stared into the distance once more.
"I was on a boat to Belendt," Wylan whispered, focusing on his hand, which was still wrapped tightly around Jesper's wrist. "Going to school."
"Since when did you go to school?" Jesper earned a glare from Wylan. "Sorry, go on."
The man took another long breath. "I was on the deck of the boat when one of the men grabbed me by the neck and tried to strangle me."
"What?"
"And I jumped off the boat and swam to shore." Wylan shrugged it off. "Not that big of a deal anymore, I'm fine now."
"Wylan, that's a—" Jesper stopped, giving space to let his free hand wave around in frantic motions. "That's a huge deal."
"I'm still alive, it's all behind me."
"What were their names? Kaz will hunt them down." And if he won't, I will.
"It doesn't matter anymore."
"It matters to me."
"I don't want to tell you." Jesper frowned, his eyes flicking across Wylan's face in a useless search for an explanation the demolitions man hadn't given in words.
"Why?"
"I—" Wylan was currently asking himself the same thing. It was like the names of the two men had been pushed back to the corner of his mind, along with the rest of the story that came along with it. Whenever he thought about it, passing by the canal or touching his hands to his neck, it was like he was swimming all over again. The ache in his bones, the horrible feeling of the last puzzle piece coming together. Knowing that he had never actually been enrolled in a school in Belendt. He reached a hand up to rub at his neck purely out of habit. "I don't know."
Jesper took a long breath in through his nose, wrapping his arms around his knees. "Okay." He stared at Wylan, who was trying to do anything but the same. He let go of my hand, Jesper thought before quickly chastising himself. Ghezen Jesper, you're not a schoolboy.
"It's just weird," Wylan started, trying to voice the cacophony of feelings that stirred inside him. "To think about, you know? It's almost like it's happened to someone else."
"I get it." Jesper thought back to the mornings he spent nursing a hangover, his memories of his night before at the Crow Club seeming like a nightmare, as if when he'd muster the courage to check his wallet, he'd find yesterday's paycheck still folded neatly where he had placed it before. "Inej tells me that it's good to talk about it. So I'm, uhm, glad you did. I guess."
Jesper cringed, turning to look at the crashing of the waves against the ship to avoid seeing Wylan's disappointed face.
"Yeah. I guess." Wylan echoed. The gunslinger shifted slightly. The boy next to him had a stillness that he was almost envious of, the kind of calmness that came with the blue of Novye Zem skies, when his mom would push paths through the tall grass so Jesper could walk without the small thorns catching at his legs. But unfortunately, that was not a stillness Jesper was made with.
"We should go inside." Jesper slapped his lap before getting up, not being able to stand the sitting for any longer, even for Wylan. "It's getting dark, Kaz will kill us if we start the heist half-awake."
Wylan blinked like he'd been brought out of a dream. "Oh, of course." He gripped the railing for balance as he got up on his feet. Walking with Jesper towards the lower deck. Before stopping suddenly. "Jesper?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you." Wylan looked down, almost timid. "For listening, I know it's stupid but—"
"Merchling," The Gunsligner took Wylan's hand, waiting until the shorter boy looked up at him through his red curls. "You can talk to me about anything, whenever you feel the need to."
Wylan smiled. Jesper added:
"Plus, it helps me narrow down our first date destination. A romantic cruise was at the top of my list."
"I hate you." Wylan prayed that it was dark enough for his deep flush to be hidden behind the night.
"You love me." Jesper had said it playfully, but Wylan's smile almost softened as he stared into the Zemeni's eyes like his stare could transmit some kind of message that Jesper couldn't read.
"Good night, Jesper Fahey." Wylan let go of the other's hand before walking below decks.