Chapter Text
“It’s easier to live with acceptance”
It wasn’t as if Nakamura didn’t accept the reality of being gay in his small, conservative town. Ever since he found out he’s only ever attracted to guys, — way back in middle school when he went on an incognito rabbit hole that started with a very simple search of ‘why don’t I like girls like other guys do’ — he knew his chances of finding love like the other, what the internet called “straight” guys was close to zero. He had made his peace with it. Peace with only watching the baseball team’s ace from his window seat. Peace with only nodding at his beautiful neighbour when they passed ways during school before he had to move.
Peace with Hirose Aiki never liking him back.
It was a sad, humbling reality. Throughout the remaining time in high school, he had become closer to Hirose than most guys. They walked home from school, they had study sessions, they had study sessions turned into sleepovers- which was particularly torturous for Nakamura because Hirose would innocently suggest they’d sleep on the same bed and Nakamura would practically glue himself on the floor because he didn’t want to imagine what his hormonal-driven self would do if he slept in such proximity to the guy he’s had his fair share of wet dreams about. They had gone on shopping sprees in the mall, cycling around town, picnics in the park, more and more aquarium dates where Nakamura had given almost every morsel of octopus knowledge he had. They had met each other’s families, which Nakamura was proud to this day that he had endured without making anyone painfully aware about his crush.
Nakamura had become Hirose’s closest confidant as well. Through these moments he found out a lot about Hirose, if not everything. From his love for crabs, soccer themed video games and manga and pop music, to his hate of spicy foods, to the story of his parents’ divorce.
“He just…left” Hirosei had said one quiet night, voice desperately trying not to break, turning away and facing the wall “He didn’t give any reason, or excuse, or a goodbye. One night he was there with his laptop on the couch and his headphones on like he always did when he and mom had a fight. And the next morning- gone. He…he’d promised me the previous morning he’d take me fishing. He…he promised to teach me so much stuff, to do so much stuff…but after that night he didn’t even ask for me”
Nakamura broke his rule of no bed sharing for exactly 1 hour that night, cradling his crush to sleep, whispering words of consolation in his ears. About how it was not his fault, about how his dad was the piece of shit who left both him and his wonderful mother to fend for themselves without warning, about how this doesn’t change that he’s an amazing guy and the most amazing friend Nakamura could ask for. His feelings felt like they were about to burst at the seams, but he told himself this wasn’t the right time to dump his baggage on him. He slipped to the floor after he was sure Hirose was asleep.
Of course, being his closest confidant not only meant knowing the deepest, most secretive parts of Hirose’s life– it also meant finding out, in more detail than Nakamura asked for– about his girlfriends.
Hirose didn’t like telling the other guys about his girlfriends, at least not if he can help it. They always had crude questions and cruder advice which always circled around sex. And, if all the times Nakamura had to apply concealer on Hirose’s neck had anything to say about it, it wasn’t as if Hirose was disinterested in the sexual aspects of the relationships he had. It was just that Hirose was much more of a romantic about his endeavours. He liked to talk about the moments their eyes would meet across the room, or the times they shared those overly sweet pink drinks from a single glass with bendy straws during valentines’ themed cafe dates, or the taste of the homemade bentos they’d pack for him. Cutesy, romantic stuff like that, since anything more than that was too personal and private and not something he felt comfortable brandishing like a personal achievement.
However, Hirose was comfortable enough with Nakamura to want to tell every last, lurid detail of his paramours. But, for very obvious reasons, Nakamura had stopped him before he went any further with his descriptions. It was agonizing enough to have the love of his life talk about how enamoured he was with other people– other women, more specifically– and not him. He didn’t want the mental image of Hirose unravelling himself naked to those women too. And it wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried befriending those women the best he could. He was always cordial, always greeting them with a welcoming smile, even keeping in touch with some of them outside Hirose. But it killed him from the inside, having to face them. Face them and Hirose together– cuddling, kissing, being in Hirose’s heart in ways he would never be given access to.
But Hirose, even if not romantically like Nakamura desperately wanted to, did care a lot for Nakamura. Every time Nakamura was sick, Hirose would come as soon as the last bell rang to give him a care package. He’d make sure Nakamura was included in every class activity, but if he found himself to be overwhelmed, Hirose would be the first to notice and take him out of said activities too. He’d bring him souvenirs and gifts and would ask him to hang out more times than Nakamura could count. He was the brightness that lit up Nakamura’s shy, uneventful life, in more ways than he ever expected. He was unbelievably grateful for that.
Nakamura wasn’t going to take any of this for granted. He had decided that for the rest of their high school years, he was going to smile and take all of this heartbreak and repressed emotions into stride and be the best friend Hirose ever had. He was going to get as close to him as possible to make the foolish, lovesick part of his heart happy. And by the time high school got over, they’d be on their separate ways. Then maybe Nakamura would find a boyfriend. Or even if he didn’t, the lack of proximity would lead to less and less contact- never enough to fully break the friendship, but definitely lesser than the 10 hours a day they spend together.
And perhaps then, Nakamura would let Hirose go.
“Nakamura, correct me if I’m wrong, but you got into L-Uni right?”
Nakamura couldn’t even finish wondering why Hirose was there at his house at 7 in the morning, red cheeks and out of breath.
“Y-Yes” Nakamura cleared his throat “I-I got through recommendation…”
“I just wanted to confirm. I guess that research work under Koichi-sensei and her team has borne fruit!”
“I-I suppose. I…know this isn’t the best college ever. But I just wanted to go to school with a strong marine biology program”
“Yes, yes!” Hirose went on his toes to ruffle Nakamura’s hair “I’m so happy! This also makes my life so much easier now!”
“How so?” Nakamura tilted his head in confusion. Hirose started shuffling on the spot, barely holding his excitement. He rummaged through his bag until he found a page buried under the thick stack of documents he had somehow managed to fit in there
“Ta-da! Guess where I got into!”
Oh.
Oh god damn.
“L…Uni?”
“Correct answer!” Hirose exclaimed like a TV show host “I got into their teaching programme! I got the results this morning when I just woke up and I knew I had to tell you. You haven’t showed up to school at all recently” Hirose pouted.
“Well…mom said since I got to a college and didn’t need to go to school anymore, I could spend some time taking my sister to our grandparents place”
“Right, you told me about that. What was that like? Wait-” Hirose shook his head “Before we get into that, I have a very important question to ask you”
Nakamura knew it wasn’t as if Hirose would magically ask him to be his boyfriend. Not only did Hirose show no interest in Nakamura like that last time they talked; Hirose had texted just last night about possibly gaining a crush on this girl at his part time job. But whenever Hirose got like this– all serious, leaning right into his personal space with his big, brown, beautiful eyes looking directly into his, as if he could pry out all the inner workings of his mind if he tried just a little harder; Nakamura’s heart got lodged in his throat, face irrationally hot, and he forgot how to breathe.
“Nakamura, I know this might be an insane question…but I don’t think there is anyone else in the world I can ask this. It’s one of the reasons I got so happy we got the same college”
Nakamura gulped.
“Nakamura, when we go to college, move in with me!”