Chapter Text
Clouds loomed overhead as the muted scenery blurred past his window. He drove as fast as the legal limit allowed. Making the familiar two hour drive from Montreal, back to Ottawa. Having done this drive many times the route became second nature. Usually he would be able to disassociate.
Today was different.
The radio didn’t help. Monotone voices were coming from a sports news station, filling in the silence. Shane used to listen to it with his mom, dissecting everything together, but today he couldn’t make sense of it, the noise was meaningless static. He couldn’t focus on it. Everything felt like it was wrong. His parents and now Ilya.
Your okay. Keep it together. Talking to himself was the only thing keeping him above the waters that were threatening to drown him.
Having a task to do or just staying busy helped him focus, structure also helped with quietening the noise that shouldn’t be there. So Shane was giving extreme focus into driving, his attention on the road ahead. An hour had passed by before…
Tip…Tap…Tip. Tap
Slowly, rain pattered lightly on the windshield, growing heavier the further Shane drove along the stretch of road and into the storm.
Breathing through his nose, Shane leaned forwards slightly, fingers gripping the steering wheel a little tighter than normal. He forced himself to focus as he watched the paint lines on the asphalt rapidly disappear beneath him.
The storm was so fitting to his mood that he was tempted for a moment to close his eyes and soak in the soothing taps but he definitely couldn’t do that right now. It did have the effect of quietening his mind, but only just a little. The terrain in front of him greyed and darkened, the last rays of sun draining its dusty golden tint as is set on the horizon
It might not be so bad… if I close my eyes and let go.
Maybe oblivion might be better than all of this.
He shook his head slightly as if doing so would remove the thought from his head. Not willing to entertain it.
Shane sighed aloud, knowing that the thoughts held no weight. He was too strong minded and had too much at stake for him to just throw it all away.
The rain was now pouring down relentlessly, beating hard against his windows. The light all but gone from the sky. Shane turned off of the main roads and down a long winding road that would lead to his cottage. It was a private road surrounded by trees and foliage which during the summer would act as beautiful canopy casting a mosaic of light from the sun bleeding through the trees. However, right now, it was dark and dreary. His headlights the only thing illuminating the path. His tyres sloshed through the wet road.
As Shane got closer to his cottage he could see the lights from inside glowing like a beacon in the darkness. He didn’t know what he wanted to do but he knew that he would be safe to think and maybe breakdown inside.
He edged up the driveway coming to a stop in front. Twisting his key, effectively silencing all the sounds from his car. The patter of the rain echoing loudly.
The cottage was home. Structurally beautiful, blending easily with the landscape, Glass walls surrounding the place making it feel light and airy. The interior was made from earthy woods and neutral tones, decorated with splashes of blues and greens accents. It was Shane’s solace, his safe place that he had designed and built from the ground up.
Unlocking his car he ran straight to the door getting caught in the rain for just a moment. Fumbling with his keys to unlock the door. Once inside he rested his head back against the door frame. Shane took a moment to just breathe and think.
He squeezed his eyes shut.
What the fuck just happened. Am I dreaming? Shane thought to himself, everything started to seep through the cracks.
There is no us. The ghost voices taunted him.
Fuck. Not now. I can’t do this right now.
Shane was tired of constantly feeling like he had no control. He needed to get him self together, if he paused and stopped, it would be his undoing. Shane had just barely come to terms with his parent but now, with Ilya… it was too much.
Clenching his teeth and wiping furiously at his eyes, Shane knew following his routine might help so he relented, allowing his body run through its familiar motions. Toeing off his shoes, sliding into his slippers, he made his way straight to his bathroom.
Shane had already showered after the game but his brief encounter with the rain made him uncomfortable, feeling the very slight plastering of his clothes to his body. He peeled the layers off one by one, discarding them to the laundry hamper.
Turning the shower, he felt for that perfect sweet temperature he deemed acceptable enough not to burn his skin off but make it tingle enough to feel clean. Stepping in, he let the hot water sluice over his body.
Shane scrubbed over his tight muscles making sure the frothy bubbles from his shower gel reached every crevice.
When satisfied Shane stepped out grabbing a fresh towel to dry himself finishing by wrapping it around his waist. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. More recently, he would’ve paused to observe the changes, his body was scattered with fresh bruises from today’s game. His smooth chest was slightly larger and more defined, water dripped down, sliding over the divots and peaks of his abs that led lower to a sharp defined v-line that disappeared into his towel. Shane couldn’t bring himself appreciate the progress he’s made.
He stepped into his bedroom, feeling clean and refreshed on the outside. Putting on a pair of his favourite pyjama bottoms and a matching top that rubbed softly on skin the way he liked.
Right now, he could either make a meal to replenish himself from today’s game, or he could go straight to bed and escape into a dreamless sleep. The latter was more appealing to him, not wanting to give his mind time and space to think. Just switch off. That’s all he honestly wanted.
Rain was still pouring outside, pattering against his floor to ceiling windows. It filled the room with a soothing beat.
Climbing into his bed, he pulled the sheets over himself, closing his eyes and focused on relaxing his body enough to fall asleep. So with practiced breathing he let the sound of the rain carry him as felt himself sink into the mattress, sleep almost within grasp, already dragging him down further.
There is no us.
Ilyas voice whispered in his head.
Shane turned over trying to ignore everything.
Nope. We’re not doing this. Shane pleaded with the voice in his head. He was so close to slumber. Doubling down, he again focused on his breathing and the sound of the rain.
Silence filled the room as Shane began to toss and turn, finally falling asleep but it wasn’t restful.
—————————
Hours slipped by as the rain eased, stopping by the time the sun had began its slow ascent. Birds chirping filled the purple sky as the darkness bled away.
An alarm rang, waking Shane. His body ached, feeling even more tired than he would’ve liked. Yawning and stretching himself like a cat, he leaned into the sweet ache his position brought to him. Shane propped him self up against his pillows.
Picking his phone up from the side-table, Shane turned off his alarm, finding himself absentmindedly scrolling through his messages and emails, like he normally would each morning. Some were from Farah, others from sponsors and brand deals. Nothing important but he still took his time and replied to all of them. That’s when he saw notification from his news app pop up, tapping it reflexively when he read Boston raiders in the headline.
“Raiders night out”
It was a small piece on the team celebrating their loss in the clubs. The Metros had been the topic of many articles this season, routinely going out to celebrate their wins, but Shane couldn’t bring himself to go to any of them this season even though he was the reason for their winning streak, but his team knew Shane shied away from social gathering so they stopped messaging him after the first few games. He scrolled thorough the article stopping at the third picture.
It was Ilya.
Sleep instantly drained from his body as he sat up straighter feeling more alert, the conversation from yesterday with Ilya came flooding in as if he being was transported back to that room.
Shit.
Shane mentally braced himself already feeling sick, he looked so devastatingly handsome, Shane thought almost smiling at the bitter sweetness of it all. Ilya was wearing all black, black trousers that sinfully hugged his thighs and black dress shirt that left very little to the imagination, with the buttons opened halfway down to display his bare chest, the golden chain he always wore glinting in the camera light. Shane’s brows were furrowed as his attention was drawn to the woman beside him, perfect golden skin that accentuated her high cheekbones, her face was framed with golden curly locks and beautiful blue eyes. Shane felt a wave of jealousy run through him just looking at how she was plastered all over Ilya and that his hands were splayed across her bare waist almost possessively.
“Bostons playboy at it again.”
“Ilya Rozanov and Svetlana Petrova the Russian and American dynamic duo paint the town …”
Shane hand clenched his phone, he couldn’t read the article any more, the picture spoke a thousand words, a story that Shane could never be a part of.
So he really felt nothing? It’s that easy for him?
He always felt insecure that Ilya could so easily go out and find a woman without worrying about what the world would say. People were drawn to him like a magnet and Shane would watch that from afar, he wanted to take pride in that but Ilya was never really his to be proud of. They weren’t exclusive.
Maybe this was the right thing to do. Cut it off before it got out of hand.
Shane scoffed thinking that he had lost control a very long time ago.
What did he expect? That him and Ilya could have the same thing as Scott? Scott hunter was different. Shane and Ilya were the best in the league but more importantly they were rivals. It wouldnt be accepted as easily or maybe even at all. Shane’s mind was in overdrive now.
Ilya had choices, he could be free.
Shane had come to terms that he was gay so he knew that he couldn’t have that same freedom. As long as he was at the top of his career, he would have to hide. Ilya could have any woman he wanted. Shane had tried with Rose. But he couldn’t lie anymore not to himself and not to her.
But it didn’t stop him from wanting it as he looked back at the article wishing that it was his waist that Ilya’s arms were so possessively wrapped around.
Shane threw his phone down, everything feeling heavy in his chest. Emotions bubbling up that he couldn’t contain anymore.
“Fuck!” He shouted into the emptiness of his cottage, his voice wavering.
Tears of frustration pricked his eyes. Shane was tired. He was tired of feeling like he was always being left behind. Tired of feeling this way. Something had to change.
I can’t keep doing this. Why is everything going so wrong? It was painful to see but underneath it all, he was pissed off.
It was all becoming to much for him. But more often than not, since July, this feeling of overwhelm had become his new normal.
Shane practically jumped out of bed, needing to move. He changed into his running gear, itching to get out and run as far away from his problems and so he did.
Once outside, the smell of damp earth filled his nose as he inhaled deeply. The sky was still transitioning, almost completely dark ahead of him with the morning light creeping in from the horizon behind him. The roads were still wet from the rain, but that didn’t deter him as he set off running at a steady pace, his breath coming out in cloudy puffs from the cold morning air. His mind was able to stop as he focused on the drumming of his shoes on the ground.
An hour had slipped by with nothing but the sounds of his breaths, the chirping birds and his thoughts to give him company.
He ran until his legs were screaming at him for mercy. The sun had slowly risen over the trees.
His head felt slightly clearer, the run helping him to think of what his next steps could be. Not able to fully process everything but at least he had been able to think of a plan. First step would be Therapy. It was logical, he needed help and he was past the point where he felt like he could carry this all by himself.
He had people to talk to but didn’t want to be a burden. Hayden has his life, Jackie and now a new baby in the picture on top of his other kids, Shane didn’t want to add to that and Rose was always busy with acting but he knew she would drop everything and come to him if he needed and that’s why he couldn’t, he felt like he was taking advantage.
His mind was a complicated place and it frustrated him. The only thing that seemed right was that he needed to start therapy.
The second issue on his mind was his parents. He didn’t know when they would wake up but he was tired of doing this back and forth between Montreal and Ottawa. He wanted them to be at home where he could look after them. He needed them to be close. When the solution came to Shane he felt winded but not because of the run. It would be a big change.
Before July, Shane had made hopeful plans and ideas on how Ilya and him could be together in the future, if Ilya was as serious about him as he was for Ilya. It was something that he had thought about briefly but brushed aside. Thinking of it as nothing more than a daydream.
Now it would be different, a plan just for him. It could work. He would be closer to his parents. The Same plan but now with a different reason.
It seemed crazy but he’d gone past caring, his whole life had been uprooted in the past few months, the least he could do was control his trajectory. Maybe a way to close this chapter.
Or to open a new one.
After returning from his run, Shane headed to his bathroom showering quickly. He needed to speak his plan in existence. His phone was still where he’d thrown it down on the bed, but before he reached for it his stomach growled aggressively.
Torn between making the call and feeding his body, Shane decided on the latter, everything can wait until after he’d eaten. Pocketing his phone, he walked out of his room and headed straight for the kitchen.
Fifteen minutes later Shane was seated on one of the barstools that lined the kitchen island, his breakfast looking unappetising in front of him but that didn’t phase him. It was just fuel to him. Shane ate in silence thinking about the logistics of his plan. After his plate was empty, he sipped on a homemade smoothie that consisted of almost every lettered vitamin there was.
Once the dishes were all washed and put away he found himself on the his couch. He hoped the other person would be awake as he hit the video call button, leaning forwards with his phone in hand.
It rang once before his manager, Farah Jalali’s, face appeared.
“Shane, Good morning…” she paused “Is everything okay?” The cheer in her greeting melted into worry. She was one of the few people who knew about Shane’s parents and she had actively been involved in helping him handle everything from keeping the media away to helping him with medical forms when he mentally couldn’t. So to receive a call this early in the morning alarmed her. Shane appreciated this about her and smiled through his camera at her.
“Hey Farah, good morning” He returned the greeting. Shane paused to formulate his next words.
“Everythings fine… I have something big that I want to talk about, two things actually. I’m hoping you can help.” He closed his eyes before carrying on, pausing but not long enough for Farah to give a response.
“I want to move to Ottawa.” He blurted out. His eyes opened, analysing her face to gauge a reaction.
Her face was etched with confusion on the screen. “Oh- I thought… never mind.” She feared news that was worse, but this was interesting “Shane, you already live in Ottawa.”
“Huh?” Shane realised he needed to elaborate. “Oh- No. Yes. I mean I do live there - here. Fuck this is hard to say….” The last part whispered to himself.
“I want to move to Ottawa… centaurs” he let out a breath, relieved to have just said the words aloud. He waited for farah to say something. There was an awkward silence as farahs mouth was opened not sure if she was hearing him correctly.
“Sorry Shane, I don’t know if it’s my connection or if I heard that wrong. “ she said incredulously. “Did you just say you want to transfer from the Metros to the Centaurs?”
“Um… yes. I want to put in a request to transfer to Ottawa centaurs. The team.” The silence that followed was stretched.
The shock broke and Farah sputtered before words found her. “Shane. Are you sure? Have you thought about this?” Farah knew Shane to be a calculated man so she didn’t take what he was saying lightly. But she needed to be sure.
Shane looked away, pensive for a moment, before returning his gaze to Farah. Shane nodded in confirmation.
“I have, yes” Shane added. “My contract with the Metros ends this season but I can talk to coach Theriault and maybe the team can waive my no transfer clause. Or I won’t sign on with the team next season and request to transfer then.”
“But… I was hoping, if everything goes okay, to move as soon as possible.” There was a long pause.
“What do you think?” Shane asked, her silence bothering him almost making him question himself.
“Okay. Okay. I mean. Okay. “ Farah couldn’t seem to find her words again. She breathed in deeply.
Shane knew it was a big decision to make. An end of an era. His ties to the Metros running very deep, since he learnt how to hold a hockey stick, it was his dream to play for the Metros. The change wasn’t an impulse decision, he’d been looking for a way to be closer to his parents and it made sense for him that if he changed teams he would be closer. Maybe this whole thing with Ilya had made him realise that he needed to take action. He was hopeful that Farah would understand and support him, maybe even help get the ball rolling.
Farahs voice broke his thoughts. “If you came to me with this last season, I would’ve called you many things, crazy being one of them.” Shane was about to interject but Farah continued “What you’re going through isn’t easy Shane. If this is really what you want. Yes I’ll make some calls.”
She paused looking thoughtfully at Shane before asking “I think I already know. But can I ask why?”
“I want my parents to come home.” He said. Feeling vulnerable right now. “I don’t like seeing them in that place. I don’t know when they’ll wake up or if-“ Shane cut himself off. Swallowing around the lump in his throat.
“When they’ll wake up…” He continued more determined “… I want to be there with them, at their home. I’ll hire the nurses and doctors to take care of them round the clock. They’re all I have-“ Shane’s voice was thick with emotion. “This way I’ll be able to spend more time with them.”
Farah could sense the raw emotions coming from Shane. “Thank you for telling me. I want you to just focus on your parents and yourself . Leave it with me.”
“Thank you” Shane felt a weight lift off his already heavy shoulders. He didn’t feel great but at least he had a plan. The alternative would be to give up hockey and stay at home. His mom especially would never forgive him. She would hate it but he hoped she’d understand
This way he would be close, being able to visit them and stay most nights, his cottage a ten minute drive if he needed a break and it was a fifteen minute drive from the rink.
“You know Shane… people are going to ask questions. They’ll want to know why?” Farah interjected his thoughts.
Shane sighed “I know…”
“Are you okay if it gets out there? About your parents?” Farah inquired needing to strategise his next moves.
“I think I’m okay with that.” What Shane didn’t want to say was that he wasn’t okay with people finding out how they got into this situation. To Shane, no matter how irrational the thought, he still felt responsible for the crash, for the fact his parents lives had stopped while his continued. It was all his fault. He knew it wasn’t right but that didn’t stop him from blaming himself. “I’m okay with people knowing”
“Okay then. I’ll contact the Centaurs, given the nature of your situation it should be a pretty quick process. They still have the budget and I can’t imagine them saying no to you… I’ll also prepare a statement for the press.” Shane’s mind was beginning to buzz with the reality of the fact that he was really about to do this.
Farah paused, stopping herself before getting too carried away. Her eyebrow raised in question “What’s the other thing? You said you wanted to talk about two things?”
“Oh, yeah.” Shane stopped. Logistics of his life was one thing, emotions were a totally different puck game. “… It’s just that with everything thats been going on…” he ran his hands through his hair “I guess im finding it a bit hard to deal with…” He paused taking a deep breath before continuing “I think I need… I was hoping that you could maybe help me find a therapist, one that is very private…” he looked away in thought before adding “and preferably not a hockey fan”.
“Oh. Shane of course.” She said sympathetically “You don’t need to worry about a thing. I’ll get back to you with a list of potential therapists later today and we can take it from there”
”Thanks Farah” Shane said in a small voice, feeling so grateful he had her.
“I’m glad to help, if you ever need anything, anything at all Shane, I’m here. Not just as your manager… but as a friend and I hope you know that.” Shane felt full of emotion, her words tugging at his strings. Before he could reply she moved on.
“Okay… so this is really happening. I’m going to need time to make some calls but I’ll keep you updated okay?.” They spoke for a few more minutes talking about everything else, possible sponsors and minor subjects before saying their goodbyes and hanging up.
Shane stayed on the couch, letting the reality of it all seep in. This is happening. Shane thought to himself.
Before he could get more lost in his thoughts. His phone buzzed.
Hayden caller ID popped up. Shane paused, biting his lip. Before he went through with this Maybe he should’ve called Hayden first.. he was his closest friend after all.
Fuck.
He’s not going to like this but at least he might understand.
He picked up on the second ring.
“Hey Shane, You ready for today?”
“Hayden hey, yeah I’m leaving in a bit” Shane looked at the clock, gauging how much time he had left before leaving for the rink.
Shane hesitated “I wanted to talk to you about s-“
“Shane, hey… shoot hang on” something clattered, a drawer slamming hard enough to echo. “Hey, bud, holy ships, just getting the kids ready for school, they miss you, you know and Jackie’s been..” Hayden went off a mile a minute, under other circumstances Shane would be smiling with fondness.
“Hayden…” the serious note in Shane’s voice stopped Hayden in his tracks.
There was a pause on Hayden’s side.
“Shane? What wrong?” His tone changing completely sensing something serious was going on because Shane Hollander, the last time he’d heard this tone was the night when Shanes parents got into a crash, something was wrong. Shane let out an audible breath.
“I need to talk to you. Um it’s serious and I… can you come to practice early…”
“Shit. Okay, okay-” another bang, keys maybe, or something knocked over in the rush. “What is it? Are you okay? Do you need me to come over to you… it’s not Yuna and David?” The worry thick in Hayden’s voice.
“What? No. Everything is okay. They’re okay… it’s me… shit no, sorry that sounds weird… maybe it’s better if I tell you in person” Shane stood up, wedging his phone between his ear and shoulder as he started to pack his bag.
“Okaaay… You’re kinda freaking me out Shane. You know I love you man, I don’t know what it is but I’m here. Whatever it is you need.”
“I love you too… I guess I’ll see you at the rink” Shane zipped up his bag taking his phone back in his hand. He could tell Hayden now but it felt right to do it in person.
“Should I be worried?” Hayden asked after a long pause.
“No, I guess not but it’s better if we talk in person.”
“Why does it feel like you’re about to break up with me?” Hayden said exasperatedly. Shane laughed, the irony of his words not lost on him.
“I’ll see you at practice. I’m about to leave now” Shane interjected grabbing his keys and looking back at his cottage doing a once over to see If he’d missed anything. He walked over to his couch and single-handedly readjusted the pillows before heading towards the door.
“So you’re really going to make me worry till then?” Hayden let out a defeated sigh. “Okay then, I guess I’ll see you soon bud”
“You don’t have to worry, I’ll see you soon.” Shane hung up first. stepping out into the cold air and towards his car
——————
Shane had arrived early and to his surprise a dishevelled looking Hayden did too. They both sat in the locker room, dressed in full gear. Shane had explained everything that happened this morning, from his conversation with Farah and his plans for his parents and himself. After it was all out, Hayden sat still, silently processing everything. Hayden watched Shane for a moment before moving towards shane and abruptly wrapping him up in a bear hug.
“I don’t know what to say. This is big man. Are you sure? Have you thought about this?” Pulling back from the hug and searching his friends face for any doubt but only found a resolute expression.
One that meant business.
Shane was very sure of himself and the control he had of his future.
”Yes, Hayden. I’m sure. I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I need to… I need to do this.” Shane said quietly.
”I have to tell the team and coach but don’t know how I’m going to break it to them, or how they’re going to take it.”
“Everyone’s going to be hurt but they’ll understand… I hope.” Hayden paused looking thoughtful
“FUCK! We’re never winning another Stanley cup” Hayden was truly devastated.
Shane couldn’t help but laugh. “I wouldn’t worry too much, I’ll go easy on you”.
”Fuck you! No you won’t” Hayden despaired.
“Yeah, no I won’t” Shane quipped.
The first of the teammates were arriving one by one, greeting each other.
Noise began to bustle in the locker room.
Shane’s world went quite. When coach Theriault had arrived with the last of his teammates Shane took a deep breath nodding at Hayden before stepping into the centre of the room.
It’s now or never.
Projecting his voice to gather their attention
”I have something I want to share with you.” Shane was a bit startled with how quiet everything got.
Undeterred, he carried on.
Starting with explaining what happened to his parents, eliciting sympathetic profanities from some. Pausing for a moment before informing the team of his plans to move.
A pin-drop could be heard amongst the sober silence that currently engulfed the locker room.
To Shane’s surprise, No-one looked pissed off like he had imagined. There was only a mix of understanding and sympathetic looks from all of the faces.
It was Coach Theriault who broke the silence first.
“Hollander. A word in private… please” Coach turned on his feet and walked out the room leaving Shane no choice but to follow him, his head was down as he walked past the other guys out of the room following coach into his office.
Shane braced himself for the earful he was surely about to receive.