Work Text:
July 2018 - Ottawa
Ilya stirred awake because of a dream he can't remember once he opens his eyes. It takes him a second to recognise where he is. He can feel the warmth of the sunlight radiating his sunburnt face, but there's a different kind of warmth radiating his neck, and then he connects the dots.
He is at Shane's cottage, delighted to be blessed with the sight of Shane Hollander's naked body pressed against his side. It still doesn't feel real, that he gets to have this. It has been hard lately, leaving Boston, leaving the Boston raiders, leaving his cars and pretty much anything he can live without. Ilya suddenly knows that he is going to miss all of it, the parties after the games, drinking with his teammates, even being around Russians if it makes any sense. A noise that slipped out of the brunette's mouth got Ilya out of his thoughts. Something like a purr, and then it hits him.
Were the parties worth it? when he would wake up alone hungover? were the cars worth it? driving with those just to feel something that doesn't make him lonely. And then, he realised that the only thing that was worth it all was Shane. His Shane. His boyfriend. So he won't hang out at parties or drink as much but it was all worth it if it means that he gets moments like these.
"Hi." Shane said, his voice still hoarse from sleep, his eyelids half closed heavy from sleep.
Abruptly, a wave of emotions crashes over Ilya and he can't maintain eye contact with his lover or else he will cry. "Hey hey, what's wrong?" Shane asked, suddenly sounding and looking fully awake. And of course, Ilya indeed started to cry, fat tears wetting his flushed cheeks. He hates it. He hates wasting their precious time over his stupid emotions. "Nothing, moya luybov', nothing," Ilya needs to get his shit together. Immediately. "I am just, how do you say, feeling a lot?" Ilya said, sounding frustrated because he isn't able to think of a right word to explain what he is feeling. He isn't sure there is a word.
"Overwhelmed?" Shane suggests, looking a bit less concerned than earlier. Ilya just nods, not sure if he will be able to speak without fully sobbing.
His heart is beating fast, and he is convinced that his heart is going to explode from all the love he feels at the moment. And maybe something a bit darker. Something that will linger. But he will deal with it later, after the summer and will not waste any of the short time he's given with Shane. So right now he tries to comprehend that he is the only one who gets to see Shane like this.
The sheets tangled around his thick, muscular thighs, making him look like an angel that fell from heaven, in Ilya's eyes.
Very quickly and very subtle, Shane's arms wrapped around Ilya's neck as he leaned up and basically covered Ilya's body with his. He wiped Ilya's wet, sunburnt cheeks gently, making Ilya's heart beat faster.
With Shane, it always feels like the first time. He always makes him feel like the first time they've met in 2008, at Saskatchewan. Ilya can't quite remember the exact words of their conversation, because he didn't even understand half of what Shane said. But he does remember his rapid pulse when he first looked at Shane's face. He does remember the night on the day of their draft. It still makes Ilya laugh, how competitive Shane was then, and still is to this day. He does remember getting so nervous in the showers after their commercial shoot that he booked just to see Shane again, and how excited he got when he knew Shane wanted this, whatever they used to be. He does remember Shane's first time, how careful he tried to be, like Shane was fragile and would break if he would be too aggressive. And of course he remembers that Shane enjoyed every time they were together, when he would bite his lower lip to contain a grin, but Ilya, of course, always noticed.
Shane made Ilya believe in soulmates. Even after his parents marriage, even after he promised himself he would never get married, even after everything he went through, Ilya believed he belonged here, trapped between the bed and Shane's body.
Shane, who probably noticed how much is going through his mind, "What's going on in your pretty head?" Shane asked, not letting Ilya answer before he gives Ilya a gentle peck on his pink plush lips, now holding his face and not letting him deepen the kiss, making Ilya frustrated about something else. "Please Shane," Ilya said. Whined, to be exact, making Shane grin. Ilya had never loved someone as much as he loves the man that is laying on top of him.
He is sincerely convinced that even if Shane isn't going to tolerate him forever, he will do anything to keep him from leaving him. Even if that means playing in a Canadian team that sucks, even if that means no more smoking and drinking for him, even if that means that he has to put what he's feeling aside so it won't hurt their relationship, even if that means giving up everything, just to be a silver closer to his lover, boyfriend, soulmate.
"Please, мое солнышко" Ilya whined again, trying to get a hold of Shane's face so he can kiss him, say how much he is feeling without needing to talk. Ultimately being able to make eye contact with Shane without feeling like he is about to sob, Shane looks at him like he's the world itself. Ilya never felt this loved before, now noticing that Shane is bringing his face towards his. Finally, Ilya thought, but after he closed his eyes and leaned in he felt a wet and sloppy kiss on his chin. Ilya once again, being stubborn, tried to kiss Shane on the mouth just to make him pull away completely. Ilya whined again. Louder.
"It won't help you whine you asshole, I am not going to kiss you until you tell me what you're thinking about." Shane said, being very clear. As Shane realised that Ilya is not going to talk, he tried to get up and lie on the bed instead of Ilya's body. Ilya pulled him and turned them over, now Ilya's naked body pressed against Shane's.
Ilya felt a dark cloud wash over him, and the thing is that he doesn't understand why he's feeling this. Whatever "this" means.
"I don't know." Ilya said, looking at Shane's freckles, looking like he he doesn’t have any thoughts behind his eyes. They look blank. Blank is what he's feeling. It feels wrong. And it makes him mad, because what is wrong? he is with the love of his life, spending time with him and waking up next to his warm beautiful body. So, what is wrong with him? He thinks he is being ungrateful. No one gets to see Shane Hollander, the best hockey player in the league, all concerned because of his boyfriend. This is wrong.
"What do you mean you don't know?" Shane asked, looking a bit confused. Well, Ilya does know what wrong. He just can't bring himself to agree with it. He thinks he might be a whiff depressed. Like his mother. So when Shane is looking at him all confused, it hits him. Shane, thank G-d, has never been depressed. Of course he doesn't get the idea of depression. He doesn't know what it's like to feel angry, a second later sad, and two seconds later numb. Even though Ilya isn't a religious person, he prays that Shane would never have to feel like this. Like something is always wrong.
Well, he trusts Shane, right?
"I think something is wrong," Ilya says all of a sudden, feeling brave, but there still this little voice in his head, that tells him he's weak,
for not being able to handle this situation alone. And that maybe Shane would be better off without him. And that maybe world being better off without him. But those are the same thing. If someone will say that earth is flat Ilya would argue, because his world is Shane Hollander. Shane Hollander is not flat.
"Always. I always feel like something is wrong. And right now I feel that I'm being ungrateful because I get to have this, you, for a whole two weeks. But," Ilya stops again when he feels his throat starting to tighten again, with uneasiness. "But what, baby?" Shane said, voice gentle and caring' making Ilya spill a few tears.
"I think I am depressed, maybe? Like my mother." Ilya blurts out, regretting what he said the moment he detects the tears that start to form in Shane's eyes. "Does that mean-" Shane starts, not being able to continue his sentence, because it looks like he will start to cry if he does.
"No. Well, its not like I'm thinking about doing it, I think that I can think I might be able to do it," Ilya said, hoping it will be enough to stop Shane from crying, and well, while the tears don't fall from his eyes, now his nose is scrunched up in confusion, making his freckles splatter all over his cheeks.
And he wished Shane would understand what he's feeling, but of course Shane doesn't get. Shane has never thought of this world without him in it. If it would be better. So it feels foreign to him. And its fine as for Ilya, as long as that means that Shane will not dump him.
They stay in silence for a while, half from sadness and half from love. While most of the time he feels numb, the only thing he won't stop feeling is his love for Shane. He hopes that that's enough for Shane, for now. At the moment Ilya is leaning his entire body weight against Shane's, resting his head in Shane's neck.
"I think you should see a therapist," Shane said, blurts. But as Ilya pulls away from Shane's neck he is looking pretty calm. It makes Ilya happy.
it feels weird. Talking about this with Shane, after years of quick encounters 7 years of being unable to tell each other what the other is feeling. After years of communication only through sex. It feels good.
"Okay." Ilya said, sounding serious. "Can we please go back to kiss now?" Ilya said, whining, sounding like a puppy who's desperate for a treat. Shane leans in, holding Ilya's face with both hands, making Ilya feel hazy, leans in and claim Ilya's mouth. His tongue exploring Ilya's with urgent care.
They stay like that for a while.
Forever, if they could.