Work Text:
How does one ever live knowing that they failed? How do they continue? What keeps them going, the fear of failing once again consuming their entire being.
These were unfortunate mind numbing questions that plagued Lanolin as she lay awake, staring into nothing. Moonlight pours into the fabric of her tent, allowing her to be aware of her surroundings. It did little to help her unrestless disassociation but at least it was kinda pretty.
As unfortunate as it was, Lanolin was used to failure. This statement may seem odd after such agonizing questions that would judge the truth of it, but she indeed was used to it.
Her mother can attest to that.
Oh, how disappointed she was when she inevitably returned to Riverside after everything. What's everything? Oh, you know. Everything she's worked for. Survived. Done for the sake of others.
It all meant nothing.
Yet, she keeps trying anyway.
…
She needs a reminder of who she is.
Lanolin stares at herself in the mirror. It was six in the morning. The sun has barely risen, illuminating the bathroom just enough to make sense of the hatred for her appearance. Everything just felt so wrong.
She's not supposed to look like this. This tired, this worn down, this round. She's supposed to look better, be better. Another failure, Lanolin guesses.
A part of her wished that it wasn't meant to be a sunny day today. For everyone to feel just as terrible as she does if only for not feeling alone in her incompetence.
…Despite all of this, there's one person who seems to love her. For all of the jagged edges, scars (both physical and mental), and sharp tongue (definitely not physically) she possessed.
Tangle the Lemur.
That girl… confuses Lanolin. How could someone who's such an endless fountain of positivity and optimism fell head over heels for her? Who is pretty much the exact opposite? It just doesn't make sense.
(Maybe it doesn't have to.)
By now, the lemur would rise from the tomb of slumber, preparing to go out for a jog and come back an hour later. Usually, Tangle is the first to awaken and Lanolin to follow suit the next hour, which may come off as a surprise. However, the opposite has happened today.
…Lanolin hopes that she doesn't pry. She really does not want to explain why she's been up for a few hours, simply staring into her reflection, hating, seething. How can she explain that?
A knock on the bathroom door has Lanolin facing away from the mirror for the first time today.
“Lano?” Yep, there she is. Right on time. “You there?”
“I'm here.” Her voice is a little scratchy from not saying anything for a good few hours. “Did you need something?”
“...How long have you been in there?” Damn that lemur’s astounding perception.
“Not too long.” It's not lying if it really does feel like that it hasn't been too long, right? “I'll be right out if you need to use it.”
“That's not it, I… Look, do you mind if I come in?”
Yes. “No.”
With great hesitation, Lanolin moves to unlock the door. Her hands ache for a reason that she cannot remember.
Tangle's bright and worried smile greeted her. She opens her mouth to say something but notices how unnatural Lanolin's own smile is, making hers disappear. She searches her eyes, looking for something, before looking behind her.
“Don’t suppose you could explain the broken mirror? Which in turn explains your red knuckles. Heh. Like the echidna.” Despite the joke, Tangle does not smile again.
…Oh, right. Lanolin broke the mirror. That's why she feels a slight pain in her fists.
“Here, I'll patch that up for you.” Tangle says, quickly grabbing a first-aid kit.
Lanolin waves her hands in refusal, “No no, you don't have to.” She actively tries to conceal the wince from escaping her.
“I want to.”
…
How can she say no?
“With how many glass shards there were, I'm surprised there weren't more than a few in your hand.”
Given her youth, Tangle learned a lot about basic medical service from Jewel cleaning up her reckless wounds from… whatever the lemur had done in the past. It's very surprising how she has little to no scars, to be honest.
“I got lucky, I guess.” Lanolin shrugs. It's the best response she can offer right now.
“There, that should be good.” Tangle murmured, giving the bandages one last squeeze before cutting off the rope end with some scissors.
Lanolin inspects it for a moment before nodding. “Thank you, Tangle.”
“Anytime!” Tangle grins. Then, like gentle clockwork, the grin lessens into something softer. “Wanna tell me why this happened?”
“...Do I have to?”
“Of course not. But I doubt someone like you would destroy a bathroom mirror for fun.”
Lanolin’s half-lidded eyebags meet Tangle's sunlit ones. “Someone like me, huh?”
The lemur tilts her head in confusion but stays silent.
“Do you even know who I am?” The question was not said with harsh malice. No, it was genuine. Lanolin genuinely asked if Tangle knew who she was.
“Yeah, duh! You're my awesome, hot, amazing, handsome, and awesome girlfriend!” Tangle responded like it was obvious. “Beyond that, you're a hardworking fighter, a great friend, and a caring leader! Sure, you can be a bit of a hardass at times, but not only is that kind of attractive—”
“What?”
“—it’s understandable if anyone knows what you've been through. Which is a lot. Who can blame you for things out of your control?”
Tangle takes a peek at Lanolin. Her gaze is locked onto her bandaged knuckle.
…Oh.
“Anyone beside yourself would understand, I guess…” Tangle gingerly mutters. She slowly reaches for the sheep’s hand, waiting to see if she doesn't want contact, and takes it into her smaller one when no rejection is seen.
It feels like holding fire.
“Is it that obvious?” Lanolin asks, voice barely above a hoarse whisper.
“I can put together the pieces, involving a destroyed reflection. It's pretty symbolic, if you ask me.”
Lanolin lets out a little scoff.
“Do you hate yourself?” Tangle gently asks.
Lanolin flinched. It was hard not to, regardless of how softly the question was said. She stayed silent in fear of something horrible happening.
Upon realizing she wasn't going to continue, Tangle said, “I hated myself.” The simple admission made the sheep meet her eyes in surprise. “Yeah, shocking isn't it?”
“No, I… I'm sorry, that was rude.”
“Eh, don't be.” Tangle waves off. “I bet it would be to anyone else. The happy-go-lucky and positive brawler from Spiral Hill, struggling with her mental health? Yeah, who woulda thought.
“It's… something I've been struggling with for a while. I thought I wasn't good enough for the people who needed me to be, well, good enough. That, no matter how hard I try, my failures will stick with me and I'll keep being one.”
To say Lanolin was shocked was an understatement. She didn't think Tangle would be… struggling with something like this. Why didn't she notice sooner?
“Hey, stop it, dummy.” Tangle bonks a fist on the sheep's forehead. With none of the usual force she saves for badniks, of course. “If I didn't want you to know, then you wouldn't.”
“H-How’d you know I was–?”
“It's obvious! You're so quick to blame yourself over anyone else these days.”
Lanolin looks away, embarrassed. It suddenly all comes out, too natural for her liking. “It's justified. My own failures… They're too much to ignore.”
Tangle sobers up, facial features softening into something empathetic and sorrowful for the one she loves. “Talk to me.”
“...My whole life,” Lanolin begins, “I was taught to be better.”
“Better than… what?”
“Me. My mother used to beat me over the head about how to be a perfect daughter, one who has her chin held high with her back straight and a smile to top it all off. Of course, I left all that and joined the Restoration after the attack on my hometown and just before the Metal Virus.
“But it all just kept stacking up. I tried to go on vacation twice, but disaster and reminders of the biggest threat in the world followed me everywhere I went! I try to move on like everyone else tells me to but how can I?! How can I possibly do that?!”
“Lanolin…”
“I lost my father in the war. I have no other family who would even care if I'm missing. I try to help out but instead I just make things worse. The whole thing with Mimic, the Sweepstakes, and the Restoration… How do I continue from all of that?”
Slowly, yet eagerly, Tangle pulls her beloved into her arms. She gently tucks the sheep's face into the crook of her neck. It was a ridiculous gesture of affection but it works, seeing as the lemur feels a wet spot appear on her shoulder.
Yet Lanolin does not sob. She does not shake. It's a simple rainfall of tears, a simple drop from the perfect pedestal she stood on. Tangle mumbles sweet, incoherent nothings into her ear, hoping to alleviate the sorrow.
After what seems like an eternity, a sniffle is heard and Lanolin retreats to her comfort zone. They already miss the other's warmth.
“...How do you do it?” Lanolin asked. “How do you not let your past mistakes chain you down?”
“Well.” Tangle winces, “I do the absolutely not healthy method of compartmentalizing everything and hope no one asks.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah. It's not good.” Tangle sighs but then she smiles. “But now I have you.”
“Huh?” Lanolin smartly responded.
“I have you, Lin. You listen to me ramble on about how crappy my day was, you're there for me whenever I feel down. A shared happiness is double it and a shared sorrow is half of it.”
“...You got that from social media.”
“Yeah but it's true! Funny, huh?” Tangle chuckles.
Despite it all, Lanolin’s mouth turns upward just a bit. It's gone with the next intrusive thought, “I have you… but for how long?”
“What do you mean?” Tangle asks with a tilt of her head.
“I've made so many mistakes. Even without them, I don't feel like I'm good enough for you. I'm not soothing o-or caring in the way you might need me to be.”
“I mean you're not soft emotionally speaking. Physically though…” Tangle remarks quietly, rousing a small giggle out of the sheep. “I don't need you to be anything, Lano. I love you just the way you are.”
Lanolin's mouth begins to wobble. “Even if I'm blunt? Angry? A hardass? Broken?”
Tangle locks eyes with her, and, without hesitation and with all the love, says, “Yes. Especially then.”
It's enough to have the former leader break down once more but this time more controlled and happier than before. The past is not perfect but it is a guide to the present and only one part of the journey of life. No absolutes except for life itself.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“Hehehe! Love you too, Lano.”