Chapter Text
“...Holy shit!”
Everyone was reeling from what Kinger had just said. Obviously. What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Actually, genuinely.
Caine is gone. Jax is still reeling from the hell that Caine had put them in moments ago. There's also another thing he's still reeling from.
Is C&A real?! Like, actually real- not— not fake, it is very much real– Kinger proved it was real, he was able to talk about it– it actually happened.
Meaning- those memories? Those were real memories. The same ones Jax had been torturing himself with ever since he got them. He thought that Caine had placed them there, that they were false.
And maybe Caine did place them there.
But they weren't false.
The gravity of the situation is actually hitting Jax– it's hitting everyone. He's in his own bubble, but he's sure everyone else is freaking out about this too.
He thinks he hears muted voices talking, but he can't be fucked to actually focus on what they're saying.
The circus looks so much like a barren wasteland, it looks like an apocalyptic war zone. A war that they caused—
Caine is dead…?
It's over–
There's no way that it's over, right?
“....Jax?? Jax–?”
Jax blinks, focusing back in on everyone for the first time in— however long. His lungs are immediately hit with the air he had been robbing himself of.
“This… I'm not- I'm not the only one who feels like this was too easy, right? There's no way that he's just— dead—”
Jax felt the edges of his mask slipping, unable to hide the unease and utter fear he's feeling. Everyone else looks terrified out of their minds too, but he's getting looks from everyone.
He almost regrets letting his mask slip. And a part of him does, but he can't go back now.
There's no way that Caine's dead.
“I mean… the file I had been working on, Caine's face had appeared a bunch of times. The computer glitched out and then that's when everything went dark.”
Kinger was speaking matter of factly. As if any of this makes sense.
How—
How does any of this make sense?
There's no way that they just— get rid of Caine that easily.
Jax can't help the hysteria bubbling up in his lungs from spilling out. He laughs.
He laughs as if none of this matters, as none of what just happened will have any permanent effects on them whatsoever.
Eventually he gets to a point where if he doesn't laugh, he'll begin to cry. And he sure as hell can't do that, not in front of everyone.
“Jax…-” Pomni walks up to Jax and that's when he notices the sympathetic looks from everyone. Including Zooble and Gangle. It feels uncanny, he's not…
He's not actually a part of the group, is he?
He—
The stares— the stares from everyone–
"Doesn't this feel like another adventure? We'll– we'll be teleported back to the circus— the normal circus any moment now, and Caine will pop up again, and it'll all be normal.”
This is real.
This is actually real.
Those memories are real and Caine is dead.
And Jax is what? Just supposed to believe that?
Accept it?
Make peace with it?
Zooble shakes their head. “This is uncharted territory for everyone, Jax– maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. Either way, we'll figure it out together.”
This time it's Jax's turn to shake his head.
No.
No.
No!
He– he's supposed to believe this? He's supposed to believe any of this? That makes this real—
That doesn't make this a cartoon or a funny video game, this makes it real– Kinger's confirmation of C&A makes it real—
None of this should be real, that's what made it easier for Jax.
What the actual fuck is he supposed to do now that it is?
Now that he can't hide behind the allure and wonder of the circus and its dumb AI?
Who is now dead.
They– they're supposed to do what now? What comes next? What happens now that Caine isn't there to do adventures? What happens when Caine's AI isn't there to make things cartoony?
Jax isn't in a cartoon anymore.
He's not in a cartoon anymore, and this is all real.
It was supposed to be fake, it was supposed to look like a TV show and feel like one too.
And now he has to accept that his memories are real? That his feelings are real?
He can't— how is he supposed to do that? How is he supposed to move on?
What the fuck happens next?
Jax is so completely and wholly terrified
The circus was easy because it was a pattern. Sure, sometimes people changed the pattern, like Zooble and Pomni, but they eventually got thrown into the mix too.
And now all of that is gone?
Caine being dead should be a good thing.
A net positive.
Maybe then he'll stop fucking with his mind.
But now Jax is left to fuck with his mind, he doesn't have Caine as an excuse anymore.
“I—”
To focus on anything right now is a blur, his mind can't grasp onto a single solid thing right now other than unadulterated fear.
His lungs are doing the thing it does when he's like this, a pattern he's also gotten used to since it's been happening more frequently.
Possibilities, possibilities, possibilities…
He–
He was taken in that car.
C&A is real.
Caine is dead
What next?
What now?
What next?
What next?
What—
“Jax!” Ragatha? Maybe? Maybe, he doesn't know anymore– oh god, they saw him panic, oh god, this is going horribly— he– he's panicking, they're watching him panic, they're watching the mask slip, this is real, it's real, it's real, it's—
“I– I have to— I have to go—”
He thinks they're yelling for him, but he takes off and is hoping that his legs are able to take him far enough away. Far enough so he can get to his room.
Running.
He's good at running, he can run.
He's run all his life.
Though, he couldn't outrun C&A, could he?