Chapter Text
"I loved you." Castiel’s voice echoed inside of Dean’s head.
It had been a few months now since Castiel had sacrificed himself, taking death along with him to save Dean. And Dean played it off. Sam could ask a hundred times if he was okay, Dean was denying any kind of sadness coming from him.
"You loved me too, right?" Castiel’s voice appeared in his head, once again. He pushed his elbows to his knees, putting his face into the palm of his hands as he tried to calm his breathing.
What if Dean did love Castiel? It didn’t matter anymore, because the angel was gone forever now.
He heard a knock on his door, slow and low, like the person was scared to disturb Dean. He got up from his bed for the first time that day, and snapped out of whatever the fuck that was. He walked towards the door, legs weak and eyes tired, then opened the door. Not wide, but just enough for that person not to come in.
"Eileen found a hunt, wanna come?" Sam was standing very still, almost awkward in front of Dean, giving him a small smile, like he wanted to include him and not make Dean feel left aside. He had a folder in his hands, and a book note, probably the informations about what they were going to hunt and where.
"And be third wheel? I’d rather die, Sammy." Dean smiled back softly. Sam didn’t and Dean sighed. Dean didn’t know why Sam was so sensible to those jokes now, he always used to laugh at them. "I’m kidding," Sam nodded at those words, looking at everything but the man in front of him. "Do call if you need anything though." He added and Sam looked to his right, far, at the end of the hallway. Eileen was probably hiding, not far from her boyfriend but far away enough from her boyfriend’s brother.
"Sure. We won’t be home for a few weeks, another hunter asked us for help with a vampire nest. It’s pretty close but.." Dean nodded at Sam’s words, looking back at his bed. He blinked a few times, trying to stop thinking about what he had heard. "Don’t worry, I won’t get myself killed." Sam added, trying to look inside the room, to find out what Dean was looking at. Dean smirked at the will to try, shaking his head.
Maybe Sam was a freak, but he sure was not able to see someone else’s hallucinations.
"Text me everyday, even if it’s an emoji. I wanna know you’re alive." Dean ordered and his younger brother’s smile grew for a minute.
"I will. Bye, Dean." He nodded at his own words, waving at the oldest. This one waved back, watching his little brother walk to his hidden girlfriend, Sam turned left and disappeared from Dean’s sight. His smile dropped almost immediately.
"Why don’t you talk to him?" He heard the angel’s voice again as he closed the door and turned to face the bed. The hallucinations were getting worse. He was seeing him now. "You know, he would understand." The image of Castiel sat down on Dean’s bed.
This one took a deep breath, walking towards the hallucination and sitting down next to said Castiel.
"It’s not that easy." He muttered under his breath, replying to voice that wasn’t real and looking up at the door, staring at the back of it.
I really wish you were here right now, he thought to himself.
"I really wish I was here too." He heard the angel’s voice answer to his thoughts.
He closed his eyes for a minute, listening to nothing but silence. He took deep breaths, taking the time to breathe properly. He then stood up, opening his eyes and not looking at the hallucination.
He had to distract himself, one way or another. So he did. Dean went and did the right thing. He went to buy all the DVDs of his favourite tv show, some beer and some meat, then went home to relax almost directly after.
He prepared everything in the room next to his, took all of the blankets he needed, stole some candies from Sam’s room and put the pack of beers next to the couch. He looked around, the hallucinations were nowhere to be found, or heard. So he went to cook the meat.
Thank god, Dean knew how to cook. Sam’s childhood would’ve been very different if he hadn’t learned how to cook thanks to an episode of a special tv show that was being released every Thursday, when his father usually found a hunt to go to, leaving Dean alone with his little brother behind. Sam wouldn’t have lasted long without his brother.
Dean used to cook him good meals, now Sam’s a vegetarian. So Dean had to cook more shitty stuff he hated, but Sam was happy so, that was the only thing that mattered.
"I don’t know what’s wrong with the kid." He whispered to himself.
Once everything was cooked, he went back into the room, sat in the couch with a beer in hand and hit "play", plate on his covered legs. He laughed at the jokes, distracting himself from the fact that he was clearly seeing Castiel sitting next to him. He was also sensing his presence, a false one, of course.
"Do you think I would’ve liked this show?" His hallucination asked and he decided to answer, once again, instead of ignoring it like he should’ve, like he told himself to do.
"You would’ve loved it." He answered low, staring at the Castiel he was seeing. This one turned his head, slowly, towards Dean, and smiled, a smile that he missed way too much. His vision started to blur with water, he swallowed his saliva hard before turning his face back to the tv.
These hallucinations were both a blessing and a curse. He was able to see Castiel again, and god knows he missed him so much but he was seeing Castiel again, talking with a dead version of the angel.
He took a deep breath, pausing the show to focus on his breathing. He refused to cry, crying because of an hallucination was some bullshit he did not want to do.
"Are you okay?" Castiel asked, low and soft and Dean stood up suddenly.
"Stop talking to me." He shook his head, searching for some ounce of sanity in his own words. "Fuck." He opened his eyes again, meeting his hallucination’s. Castiel was standing still, tilting his head, not smiling nor mad. He just stared at the hunter with understanding eyes. Dean’s lips wobbled, eyes wide to stop himself from crying. "You’re not real, get the fuck out of my head." He shook his head, starting to walk away from the room.
It followed him though.
"I’m a piece of you. You want me here, otherwise I wouldn’t be. You created me to help with your grief." Castiel explained, following Dean calmly as this one walked faster to his room.
He almost ran to his room, closing it behind himself, leaving the hallucination behind that door. He closed his eyes, a tear falling slowly against his right cheek. He sighed, not out of relief or out of anger, more out of tiredness than anything.
"I don’t want you here. Go away." He said coldly as he turned his back to the door, leaning against it, eyes still closed.
"Okay, I will go." He heard the voice, close to him. He opened his eyes, seeing the angel in front of him now as this one walked towards Dean. Dean swallowed, looking away as he clenched his jaws, trying not to react.
He raised his head when Castiel was a few inches away from him. He frowned, looking on the side. His hallucination gave him a small smirk before closing the distance between them. Dean wasn’t feeling anything against his lips, but he was seeing it so clearly. The angel was kissing him, a version of him at least. He closed his eyes, letting a single tear fall as he felt his legs give out.
When he opened his eyes again, he was met with silence and a cold bedroom. He looked around, wiping his tears with his hands before looking everywhere into his room.
"Cas?" He called, low. "Cas?" He called, louder. He walked out of his room, walking into every room of the bunker, calling the angel like his life depended on it.
He stopped when he arrived to the main room, and tried not to cry, he really did. He fell to his knees, palms hitting the ground as he tried to keep breathing normally, and failing miserably.
"Cas!" He yelled, again, asking for him to come back this time. These hallucinations sucked, but he definitely needed them. "Cas, please.. I’m sorry.. Please.." He said, sobbing as his head hit the floor, almost like he was praying. "Come back, please.." He begged, and begged, and begged.
He didn’t get an answer.
Because Castiel was gone. He was dead, prisoner of the empty. He was left with one of their biggest enemy, left all alone. And Dean, Dean was finally realising it.
"Fuck, Cas.. I love you too.." He whispered, to himself.
After a few minutes of crying, and of sobbing on the floor. Dean raised himself up, eyes tired as he looked around.
He was all alone.
He walked, absent-mindedly before turning towards his room, opening the door wide and getting the one thing he had left of Cas. A single tie. His eyes watered from just looking at it. He took a deep breath, walked to his bed with the tie in his hand, then laid down on the soft mattress.
He closed his eyes, holding the tie close to his heart as he let out a sigh of relief. Castiel was gone, but this tie wasn’t. And as long as this tie was existing close to him, he wouldn’t forget Castiel, ever.
"Good night, Dean." He heard and his lips wobbled again, frowning against his pillow.
Fuck.