Chapter Text
Ilya woke before the alarm and stayed where he was, eyes still closed, listening to the house.
It was quiet in the way it only ever was this early, before the neighbour hood properly started up and before the heat had finished chasing the cold out of the floors and windows. The bedroom was dim, the light coming through the tall windows pale and grey, enough to make out the lines of the dresser and the chair in the corner without giving the room over to morning yet.
Shane was asleep with his back pressed against Ilya’s chest. They had gone to bed facing each other like they usually did when they got to spend the night at home together, but sometime in the night they had shifted into this instead. Shane on his side, Ilya curved around him, one arm over his waist and his hand spread flat over Shane’s stomach, a position they found without thinking about it now. The first time they had done this, years ago, sleeping beside Shane had felt like something Ilya had to learn in pieces. Where to put his hands. How close was too close? How much of himself he was allowed. Now his body found Shane in sleep as naturally as it found the edge of the mattress.
Shane slept heavily. The constant alertness in him, the part of him that seemed to keep count of everything even when he was trying not to, was gone. He felt different like this. Looser. Warmer. His weight rested back against Ilya with complete trust and even after all this time, there were mornings when that still hit Ilya low and hard.
This morning was one of them.
The duvet had ended up mostly on Shane’s side of the bed. Ilya had the sheet twisted around one leg and not much else over him, but he didn’t fix it. Shane was warm through the thin cotton of his sleep shirt and Ilya’s bare chest was pressed against his back from shoulders to hips. A few strands of Shane’s dark hair had fallen loose across the pillow and brushed Ilya’s face across whenever he breathed too deeply. It was mildly annoying but not worth moving even an inch for.
He tightened his arm around Shane a fraction, not enough to wake him, just enough to pull him closer and feel the extra inch disappear. Shane made a quiet sound in his sleep and shifted back against him automatically.
Ilya smiled before he could stop himself.
There were not enough mornings like this. There were more than there used to be, which still felt strange sometimes, but not enough. A game in Montreal this afternoon meant Shane had been able to stay in Ottawa last night and drive back in the morning instead of leaving with the team. Both of them had acted like that was ordinary, like it was not something to be quietly grateful for but it still wasn’t ordinary. Not to Ilya. He doubted it ever would be.
He opened his eyes and looked at the back of Shane’s neck, at the place where warm skin disappeared into the collar of his t-shirt. He lowered his mouth and pressed a soft kiss there, just under his ear. Shane’s breathing changed slightly. His hand, which had been resting somewhere near the pillow, moved back over the mattress until his fingers found Ilya’s wrist and settled them there without waking up. Ilya stayed still again except for his thumb that he let move over Shane’s stomach, and then once more. He could feel the steady rise and fall of his breathing beneath his palm. He didn’t look at the clock yet. Shane would have to get up soon enough. There was no reason to hurry the morning to meet him.
Somewhere down the hallway, nails clicked against hardwood. Ilya listened, the sound stopped out of the bedroom door as he waited for it. A long, put upon huff from the other side of the door as Ilya smiled into the skin of Shane’s neck.
Of course, she waited for no man. Especially not the men she shared her home with.
Shane stirred, not awake yet, just closer to it now. His shoulders shifted under Ilya’s chin and he took a slow deep breath through his nose like a part of him had already identified the problem and resented it. Ilya pressed another kiss to the side of his neck as Shane’s fingers tightened loosely around Ilya’s wrist.
The dog huffed again, louder this time. Her final warning.
“Don’t” Shane muttered into the pillow, voice wrecked with sleep.
Ilya laughed quietly into his shoulder “She can hear weakness”
“She can hear breakfast” Shane yawned, eyes still closed before he wiggled his hips against Ilya’s like he was trying to burrow even closer.
“She hears many things that are not real”
Shane dragged in another breath and shifted his weight but still refused to open his eyes “You encourage her”
“You say this like it is accusation” Ilya whispered into light kisses to the back of Shane’s neck, smiling into them as Shane subtly shivered after each one.
“It is an accusation, that’s why”
Outside the door, Anya scratched once, carefully, like she was pretending she was being patient when everyone involved knew she was not patient at all. Ilya could have told her to wait. She would have ignored him and scratched harder, but he could have attempted. He could also reach for his phone and check the time. He did neither. Instead, he moved his face into the curve of Shane’s neck and stayed here for another few seconds, breathing him in. Soap, shampoo, warm skin and sleep. Shane’s scent was one of the few things in Ilya’s life that had gone from startlingly too familiar without becoming less powerful.
Shane made a small sound and rolled slowly onto his back, bringing Ilya with him by instinct more than intention. Ilya let himself be dragged along until they were facing each other, his arm still over Shane’s waist, one of Shane’s bent around his back.
Shane opened his eyes halfway, looked at him with a soft smile that pulled at Ilya’s chest and then closed them again. “You’re awake”
“Am not. Lying liar told you this.” Ilya grinned as his hand explored Shane’s side.
“How long have you been watching me sleep like a pervert?” Despite his words, Shane’s tone was playful and his smile mischievous. Ilya wanted to kiss it off his mouth. Later though, he was enjoying the softness too much right now.
“I have not done this. Russians do not watch people sleep”
Shane opened one eye “So, half an hour then?”
“No.” Ilya grinned as he leaned forward just enough to press a light kiss to Shane’s lips “Probably” He kissed Shane again, this time, Shane awake enough to kiss him back “May be 20 minutes,I did not check time.” Ilya brushed a piece of dark hair off his forehead. It fell right back to where it had been “You ask difficult questions first thing in morning”
Shane’s mouth twitched “How long have you been awake?”
“5 minutes”
“You can't have been watching me for 20 minutes and only been awake for 5” shane smiled sleepily
“Oh, so now I am liar” Ilya tried to act affronted but it just came out fond.
“No, not a liar” Shane pulled Ilya closer to him and shuffled them so Ilya's head rested under his chin, a contented sigh coming from the man above him “but you have a very flexible relationship with numbers.”
Ilya snorted softly “Now you insult me before coffee?”
“I’m half asleep. It doesn’t count”
“It absolutely counts.”
Ilya shifted until his forehead rested lightly against Ilya’s. He still looked mostly asleep. His hair was flattened on one side from the pillow, his eyes narrowed against the weak light coming through the windows. He looked younger when he woke up slowly like this. Less defended. Less arranged.
Ilya kept looking at him
“What?” Shane asked, eyes still closed.
“Nothing” Ilya smiled as he pressed a kiss to the top of Shane’s nsoe.
“You’re staring.”
“You are very pretty in morning. It is distracting.”
That got him. Shane’s eyes opened properly and he looked at Ilya with the exact expression he always had when Ilya said something sincere in a tone that could pass for joking if Shane let it “You’re annoying in the morning”
“I am delight”
“Debatable” The dog scratched again, this time with more conviction but neither of them moved. Sane exhaled slowly through his nose “If we ignore her long enough, maybe she will give up”
“You have met this dog, yes?” Ilya asked playfully as Anya’s huffs got more impatient. She was certainly Russian like her papa.
“I live in hope” Shane yawned.
“She is your dog too now.”
“She was always your idea” Shane countered. He had never wanted a dog, he was more of a cat person. Ilya loved when he caught Shane absently scratching Anya’s ears or rolling around the garden with her, not caring about the grass stains on his legs or clothes. He knew Shane loved anya as much as Ilya did. She had brought something invaluable into both of their lives.
“She likes you best” She didn’t. Ilya knew he was the favourite dad “But I am favourite”
“She likes whoever fills up her food bowl”
Ilya considered that for a moment “Still counts.”
Shane smiled faintly and put his hand on Ilya’s side, thumb moving once against his skin “You’re very committed to rewriting history before 8am”
“Only on important issues. Like favourite dad.”
Anya huffed again, then scratched twice more with the growing outrage of an animal who believed she was being neglected in a very personal way. Shane let his face burrow into the pillow for a second “She’s going to wake the dead”
Ilya’s hand tightened once against his waist before he made himself loosen it “Dramatic.”
“You have not heard her when I’m in the shower and she thinks I’ve drowned” Shane turned his face back to Ilya “You trained her to be like you.”
“That is because you take stupidly long showers” Ilya shrugged
“I do not!” Shane gasped and lightly swatted Ilya’s side
“You do” Ilya laughed back.
“Just because you have no concept of proper hygiene. Mr wear the same lucky practice shirt 3 days in a row at 18”
“It was very lucky…It worked.” It had been nearly a whole decade since then. Since they were too young late teens, a little bit dumb, a lot too arrogant (according to Shane, anyway). What Shane didn’t know was that whilst he had long since retired his lucky training jersey, it was stored carefully in a box of other mementos from those early nights together. Keyrings, stolen keycards, napkins with hotel names on. Not that Ilya could ever forget.
“Because you got the number 1 draft?” Shane rolled his eyes “No” Ilya whispered “Because this boring, slow, hockey player with beautiful freckles liked being on his knees for me”
“Slow?”
“Like glacier”
For a moment, the two of them just lay there, eyes tracking each others faces. Ilya took in everything. Every freckle mercifully back to their usual darkness now Ilya had hidden Shane’s nicinamide, mapping each one although he could alread do that from memory. The straight line of Shane’s nose, which given the sport they played, was a miracle. The barely there stubble on his chin that he could never grow into a proper bead. He was beautiful, he had always been beautiful to Ilya, but right now….he was so stunningly beautiful Ilya had to fight back the urge to cry about it. “Do you ever think back to those times? Think back to those kids and wonder what they would say if they knew where we would end up?”
“No” Ilya answered honestly. “I think back to remember a lot of things. Some things I wish I
could change. Some things I wish I could stay locked in those minutes forever. But I know what I would think if I could see this….I would first laugh because i never thought i’d be getting married….mostly, I would think that it was all worth it.”
“Worth it?” Shane asked, his one eyebrow raised. “The secret nights…”
“The waiting.” Ilya answered “The wanting. Trying not to think and want…I always loved you Shane. I just didn’t know what it was then. I just thought I really liked your mouth and ass and being with you but….I loved you back then too.”
“Me too” Shane whispered, little tears clinging to his wet lashes. “I kinda knew it even though I didn’t want to….but, I loved you back then too.”
“Irresponsible idiots” Ilya laughed but didn’t mean it. Could never mean it.
Shane leaned in to kiss Ilya softly, lazily, perfectly. Ilya met him with entuhusiaism, pulling him closer by the hips, pressing them together until Shane gasped into his mouth and Ilya got to kiss it away again “Fuck…Ilya” Shane moaned into the kiss as want licked up Ilya’s spine.
“As much as I would like to fuck you right now…” Ilya whispered against Shane’s lips “Anya will piss on your new rug if you don’t let her out. Protest.”
“Me?” Shane asked breathlessly as he moved to press kisses and sharp bites down Ilya’s neck “Nope. I’m too comfy and she’s your dog. I don’t want to get out of bed yet.”
How was Ilya supposed to deny Shane anything? He couldn’t and he wasn’t about to start now “Oke” Ilya smiled as he slowly rolled out of bed and opened the door. “Ah, traitor. He would not even get out of bed for you”
Anya dove past Ilya’s leg in a flash of fur as she jumped on the bed, straight into Ilya’s spot and curled into Shane’s side. Shane’s arm coming over her almost as instinctively as it did when it was Ilya next to him.
Ilya let himself stand there for a moment and just look. Shane looked beautiful in this light, the morning now turning golden as it illuminated half of his face, his black hair dark and sleek as it fell around his face. His eyes were back closed, lashes fanned out as a small smile pulled on his mouth “I can feel you staring again, Rozanov.”
“I am admiring” Ilya confessed with a shy smile which was a rare feeling for him “You are perfect, Hollander.”
“Hollander-Rozanov soon”
Hollander-Rozanov. It was perfect. The idea of it. The two of them together, joined forever in every single way. Husbands. Family.
Happy.
It was everything Ilya had never dared let himself believe he could have. Would ever be worthy of. The truth is, he knew he would never be worthy of it.
Hollander-Rozanov.
It sounded too perfect for one man to ever be able to hold.