Chapter Text
It was during the next Hermitcraft meeting when False and Wels strode in (well more like Wels meekly followed behind her with a face of regret on his face but you get the idea), walked to the part of the table directly opposite where Grian was sitting, and slammed her palm on the table.
“What’s the family tree.”
Wow, not even phrased as a question.
Grian sighed as he nodded, grabbing a sheet of paper from his inventory. The sheet of paper had all of the family relations on it, and suffice to say, it was long.
He cleared his throat, starting. “Right ok, so you know me, Tim, Pearlo, Martyn, and Liz are siblings.”
False nodded, Wels following suit. The other hermits slowly started to gather around, curiosity growing.
“I’ll start with Liz since hers is the easiest. She’s married to Joel, they have a child, Joel has a platonic marriage going on with Sausage and they have a child called Hermes.
“Martyn next. He’s married to Netty who’s siblings with Stampy who has his own stuff going on. Netty also has a platonic thing going on with Salem.”
“Salem also has something going on with Zee and Tom I believe.”
“No? I thought it was Tom and Min’?”
“Mini has his own stuff with SB.”
“And doesn’t Zee have something going on with Fundy and Knarfy? I swear on one occasion he said that they were friends with benefits or sum’.”
“You should just ignore them.”
“You know what? Yes, I will.”
“Wait,” False cut in, confusion evident on her face (and by extension all the hermits). “Who is ‘Zee’ and ‘Salem’ and ‘Tom’? I know of Netty and Mini through MCC, but I’ve never heard of the others.”
Pearl and Grian turned to each other, unsure of how to unpack that can of worms.
“Just a couple of friends.”
Grian coughed. “Moving on, we have… uh… you know what let’s start from me.
“So, I’m honorary siblings with a friend of mine, Silly, who’s also honorary siblings with another friend of mine, Soul, who’s in a relationship with a third friend of mine, Sookie. I also have a platonic thing going on with Dom and Taurtis, two other friends of mine. Dom’s also in a queerplatonic thing with J, I think? It’s complicated.
“High school’s done. As you all know, I’m dating my wondrous boyfriend, Scar.” The man in question giggled happily. “He’s siblings with Cub. Alright now it gets really complicated, time for Pearl.
“She’s a queerplatonic relationship with Gem, who is siblings with Eefo and cousins with fWhip and Sausage. Eefo’s in a queerplatonic relationship with Cleo, and is in a… thing with Bdubs. I’m pretty sure they’ve gotten divorced at least three times. And Cleo’s also Scar’s Mom or something????? I really don’t know. Oh, and Cleo’s also in a platonic tax union with Joe.”
“Wait,” Jevin interrupted, “I thought Bdubs was Cleo’s child? From Limited Life or whatever it was called?”
Jevin looked at Grian, who shrugged helplessly and looked at Cleo, who pointedly stared at Bdubs. Cleo sighed, shaking their head. “It’s really complicated. Just don’t ask and you’ll be fine. It’s more so a ‘we adopted Bdubs then disowned him then realised he was in something with Etho’.”
“Well… alright then. Anyways, Tim time! The idiot behind all of this! Tim’s got a polymarous relationship with Tango and Scott. Tango’s in a platonic thing with Zed and Impulse, while Scott’s siblings with Xornoth, who’s in a relationship with Joey, who has a platonic thing Katherine, who’s in a relationship with Shelby, who’s honorary siblings with Scott.
“We’re nowhere near done yet though, so don’t relax yet. Also, not really related, but I have three adoption papers waiting for me. One’s from Rowan, one’s from Gareth, who’s the husband to Miss Okami, and one’s soon to come from X if he finally decides to.”
“Adoption from the grave,” Pearl joked, which didn’t seem to land well on the hermits, as some kind of concern noises grew from them.
“Wow… so funny,” Grian deadpanned. Pearl pouted at him but it went largely ignored.
“Anyways, Wels and False are our cousins. False, shockingly, is single, and probably is the only person who’s single in this family. Wels has a queerplatonic tax union going on with Hypno, who’s in a platonic group thing with Joe, Keralis, and Ex-eye-zoo-ma, the latter two who are dating. Evil Xisuma, or Xavier, X’s clone, is dating Hels, Wels’s clone.
“Moving on, Philza’s our uncle, who’s married to Lady Death-”
“MARRIED TO WHO NOW?!” False exclaimed, shocked. Wels had an equally shocked expression on his face, wide eyed, mouth agape.
Pearl chortled. “Long story, no time.”
“What she said. They have three children, Tommy, Techno, and an estranged sibling who’s in a relationship with… something and is the parent and or uncle to Fundy or something??? It’s weird. Tommy’s in a romantic relationship with Ranboo and Tubbo, the latter of which might be siblings with Captain Puffy and is the son of Jschlatt. They also have their own children which, I’ll be honest, I have no idea the name of.”
“Same.”
“Helpful input, Pearlo. This last part is optional because, well, I don’t really know them all that well, but go wild I suppose. We have a maybe-cousin, Parrot, who’s in a platonic group thing with Flame, Spoke, and Wemmbu. Parrot’s also in a queerplatonic thing with Wifies, who has a platonic tax union with Squiddo, who also has a platonic tax union with Jumper. Squiddo also has a boyfriend, Ash.
“Flame is siblings with Mane, and Spoke is honorary siblings with Mapicc, and the two of them are in a platonic thing with Planet, who’s in a queerplatonic thing with Bacon and Jaron. I think Wemmbu also has a platonic-hate relationship thing going on with Zam, who’s dating Pangi.”
Grian exhaled, relieved to hopefully be done. He turned to Pearl, asking “Is that everything?”
She tilted her head to the side, likely pondering the question, before nodding. “Yep, that’s all.”
Grian clapped his hands together. “Lovely! So, anything you don’t understand?”
False looked ready to die, Wels looked like he was already in the grave, and the hermits seemed to have blue screened partway through. False, though, did nod, Grian questioned her, “What don’t you understand?”
“Everything,” she deadpanned.
Grian groaned, Pearl sighed fondly, and the hermits broke out in laughter.