Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Penelope was a fool. 

She knew that now. She lay in her bed and stared up at the ceiling above her. 

The moon’s light danced through the gaps in the curtains. If she lay very still and tried very hard not to think, she could almost convince her mind it was a normal night. For a very brief moment  she was lying in bed after a lovely ball as a guest of the Bridgertons. She wore her lovely pink dress, she laughed in corners with Eloise. She watched Anthony Bridgerton make a spectacle of himself. Lady Bridgerton’s Hearts and Flowers ball had been a raging success.

But that moment slipped through her fingers as soon as she caught it and she was hit with the crushing weight of reality.

She inhaled deeply before curling in on herself. 

Colin had been drunk when she found him that night. She should have left him alone to wallow.

Penelope had been looking for Eloise. After her friend stormed out of the ball, she wanted to ensure that she was well. But as she rounded a corner in the dark family wing she bounded into Colin. Drunk on his brother’s good brandy and who knows what else. She should have left. She shouldn’t have allowed him to pull her into his room.

He only wanted to talk, to commiserate with his good friend, Penelope. He lamented how he saw Marina and how she was now Lady Crane with her two beautiful children and her husband. She had a life Colin could never give her and she didn’t want anything from him either. Marina had quite soundly reprimanded him.

“Things might have been different if that shrew Whistledown hadn’t published her gossip.” Colin swayed slightly and rubbed a hand down his face. 

Penelope struggled to understand how being trapped by a woman who was carrying another man’s child would be preferable to his current life but she didn’t voice this.

“Perhaps,” she said instead as she sat on the edge of his bed. “But she didn’t love you, Colin.”

“She treats Sir Phillip with such disdain,” he slurred, throwing himself down beside her. “Surely with me—”

“She loved George,” Penelope bit out sharper than she meant to. “She can’t love any man except him.” 

Colin sighed. “Perhaps you’re right, Pen.” He smiled at her then. It was light and boyish. Penelope’s heart beat faster and she couldn’t help but return it.

“You’re such a good friend, Pen. You listen to me. You never make me feel like I need to be something I’m not.” 

Penelope took his hand. “You don’t need to be anything other than what you are. You are enough, Colin. I am your friend,” Penelope paused. “I care about you and I always will.” 

Penelope found that she was braver in the dark of Colin’s room than she ever would be in a lighted ballroom.

Colin’s eyes flicked over her briefly. He looked at her face as though he were searching for something. She felt a glimmer of hope at the look in his eyes. Penelope never knew if he found it because suddenly his lips were on hers.

It was sloppy because he was quite drunk, but oh, how Penelope cherished the feeling. His hands were all over her. Her breasts, her face, her hips. In that moment, there were two parts of Penelope. Part of her wanted this more than anything. She had dreamed of this man for years.

But another part of her screamed to put a stop to this. He was drunk. He was sad over Marina. He didn’t want her. He wouldn’t love her.

Colin moaned into her mouth as he pulled away the buttons from the back of her ballgown. Penelope gasped as the air hit her skin. Her stays and chemise followed. He laid her on the bed and stood to remove his own clothes, never taking his eyes off her. 

Did he do this with Marina? That was what her traitorous heart screamed at her. Either answer would hurt. Either Marina touched him before her, or he viewed Penelope as someone to be trifled with. A common doxy. 

Penelope knew how the world viewed her. She knew how Colin must view her. She was not important. She was not worth consideration. She did not deserve to be courted, wooed and proposed too. All Penelope was good for was drunken trysts in his bedroom.

Her mind screamed at her to put an end to this but she couldn’t. She wanted this for so long, she loved this man with all of her being and this might be all she ever got of him. She would take what she could get and allow herself to dream just a little. To imagine a world where this was her life. Where Colin Bridgerton actually wanted her.

He pushed inside of her with a moan and she clawed at his back. Her nails dug into his skin. You’re beautiful he said when he looked down at her. His eyes were full of wonder and her heart ached. She should have known then. His lies were so pretty.

She hoped and prayed that this meant something for him. Maybe he didn’t love her, but maybe he cared for her. Maybe he would call on her, the proposal would be hasty perhaps. But he claimed to be a gentleman. Colin didn’t seem like his brothers. He wasn’t a rake. Surely, he wouldn’t do this if he didn’t have the smallest bit of affection for her. She knew better, but she couldn’t stop herself from hoping.

She hit her peak and her body shook. It was heaven, it was bliss. Colin followed soon after and she was reveling in the fact that they were sharing their pleasure together when Colin moaned a name.

A name that was not her own.

A name that did not remotely sound like “Penelope”

She was plunged into a frozen lake. Colin realized what he had done and sobered immediately. She didn’t know if he regretted starting this at all or simply regretted embarrassing them both.

Penelope’s entire body stiffened. She pushed him out of her, off of her. With the remnants of their release dripping down her thigh, she gathered up her dress, stays, chemise all while Colin was behind her trying to talk to her, trying to apologize, trying to explain. She didn’t care. She didn’t want to hear his reasons. She didn’t want confirmation that he only used her body while imagining she was someone else. Someone more beautiful, more poised, more everything.

Penelope didn’t need to be reminded that she was not enough for anyone. She was overlooked, invisible, not considered. She just wanted to return to her room before she started crying. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. She didn’t have time to fasten her dress. She only had time to clutch it to her body and run back to the guest wing.

She listened for the sound of his footsteps but Colin did not follow.

In the safety of her room, she did cry.