Work Text:
he wondered one day what would have happened.
what would have happened if he had been honest for one damn second, one goddamn second, and told alex that what he lost sleep over, why he had constant bags under his eyes, why he could not find a way to meet alex’s eyes and always, always stared at his shoes (that he made, laces and all. the only thing he’s proud of), was because. well. because he was fucking in love with him.
and time had faded it but then all of a sudden alex was just gone and somehow jay knew that it was all his fault. all his fault.
if only he had been honest, if only he had been an actual friend like he claimed to be. maybe he could have saved alex.
maybe he could have saved them all.
thats the only thing he can think, a loop in his head shutting down every other thought, as he slid his hand up and down his cock, refusing to look at himself, but instead looking straight into the camera lens. his cock leaks precum and all he can think of alex’s tears when he looked into the whatever’s eyes. he wants to think about his ex or even jessica but all he can think of is the way alex’s lips looked when he said that everybody was gone. that jay was gone.
he thinks about it all the time, what that meant, what he might have done without knowing it. it feels like his brain was invaded and none of it is fair, none of it. he thinks about what alex has done and maybe i did it too and then at the thought of blood on his hands he cums, quick and silent and a fucking surprise.
when he opens his eyes tim is in front of him and before he can say a word, his mouth is covered and tim’s cum is on his face and is this what absolution feels like.
the next thing he knows he’s in bed, and tim is gone, completely, from his motel room and he remembers, suddenly. he is alone.