Work Text:
That's What She Said
The chaos began when Darcy stubbed her foot on a lab table.
“Son of a freaking bitch!” She hopped about until she grabbed a stool and sat down. Cradling her throbbing toe she made hissing noises through her teeth.
Loki sat nearby, his eyes were focused on the book in front of him but he of course heard the noise. ”vulgar Dirne.“
Darcy's head snapped in his direction,“Did you just call me a wench?“
“I wasn't aware you spoke German. Good for you.” Loki's voice was entirely void. He couldn't care less if she understood him or not.
Glaring at him Darcy sneered, “Tu es un connard pompeux.”
Loki looked up from his book and gave her a raised eyebrow, “You can insult me in any language you like, I know what you're saying.”
Darcy crossed her arms, “Then what did I just say?”
“I'm a pompous asshole.” He didn't realize the trap until he saw the grin spread across her face.
Quite pleased with herself Darcy hummed, “Yea you are, and now I have a recording of you admitting it. Right JARVIS?”
“The footage has been saved to your personal hard drive Ms. Lewis.” Loki grit his teeth and wished with every molecule of his being that he could wrap his hands around the throat of a virtual entity.
Holding Darcy's stare Loki warned, “You don't want to start a war with me mortal.”
“Dude I just used an elementary school trick on you, this isn't a war. This is you being obliterated by my awesome genius.” Her strut matched the cockiness of her tone and Loki couldn't have that continuing.
--- ----- ----
Two days later Loki walked into the living room and found Darcy reading something on her StarkPad. He gave it a brief glance and rolled his eyes, “Se non si conosce la scienza allora perché preoccuparsi di torturare la tua piccola mente poveri?”
When there didn't come a snappy remark in return Loki tilted his head over the couch to see Darcy Googling Italian translations. Shaking his head he walked away singing over his shoulder, “If you're such a genius you shouldn't need the use of the Internet.”
“Shut up Loki!” She didn't need to see him to know he was likely smirking. Growling in frustration she had to admit he was right. If she wanted to prove she wasn't an idiot she shouldn't rely on the Internet to win her little war with him.
Closing the translation website Darcy opened a fresh browser page and went onto Amazon to find a digital Italian dictionary.
~~ ~~~ ~~~
The next day Darcy marched up to Loki at the breakfast table and slammed down a piece of paper with her hand writing. On it was his statement from yesterday. He could tell from the many scratches, and eraser marks that it had taken her a couple attempts. Looking up he noted the dark bruises under her eyes, she'd likely been up all night working on this translation without the aid of the Internet.
“I bother because I like my job, and want to be able to help Jane more you jerkwad.” She grabbed the paper, ripped it into tiny pieces and left the kitchen yelling in Japanese, “Anata wa, doanobu ya uma no chikandesu.”
His mouth scrunched up in irritation Loki wondered if there was a time traveling spell that would let him go back and slay the idiot that ever started that myth.
--- ----
When Darcy woke up three hours later she found a note on her door that read, “You're becoming boring.” Underneath was something written in a language she couldn't begin to recognize.
“Dammit. JARVIS if anyone needs me I'll be in the library researching what this chicken scratch is.”
~~~ ~~~~ ~~~
Two days later Darcy waited until Loki had taken his normal seat in the lab before saying, “Quam verborum amplius habebis .” “Latin sucks to translate you asshole.”
“I thought you were a linguistic genius. Though with it taking you this long to figure it out I'm quite disappointed.” Loki smirked leaning back in his seat. The glitter in her eyes as she got riled up was very enjoyable.
Then she stumped him with a smile, “Actually I figured it out in one day. It took me a second day to come up with a response.”
She then slapped down a piece of paper with an alphabet he'd never seen before. “Making up your own language doesn't count.”
“I didn't make this up. J.R.R Tolkien did. This is Elvish and is learned and practiced as a true language. No one ever said we were using every day Earth words sweetheart. So suck it!” Instead of making a gesture at her crotch as most people did Darcy heaved up her breasts and let them bounce before spinning on her heel and striding out of the lab.
His mouth twitching just a bit at her absurd display Loki muttered, “Seems I have some research to do.”
~~ ~~~
The next day Jane, Tony, and Bruce watched in mute awe as Loki strode into the lab and slapped down a piece of paper in front of Darcy. In his elegant hand writing he'd deciphered the Elvish, “You appear handsome on the outside. However, on the inside you are short, burly, and stink like a Dwarf who bathes in the blood of Orcs.”
It had taken Darcy forever to phrase, “You're easy on the eyes, but you've got a fugly attitude.” into Elvish. It was fine if Loki wasn't impressed with the hard work that went into it, cause she was still pretty damn proud of herself.
Darcy raised expectant eyebrows, this was where Loki gave back a retort in a different language. She nearly fell out of her seat when he made a series of hand gestures that she knew were ASL. When he finished he smirked and walked away.
Tired of being a silent observer Tony said, “I feel like we've just witnessed something important, mmm, nope don't care. Pass me that wrench.”
“Should I be worried about Loki telling you something in sign language?” Jane handed Tony his wrench and went over to read the paper that Loki had placed in front of Darcy. Holding it up she asked, “You to him, or him to you?”
“Me to him. That was originally in Elvish. Closest thing I could translate my usual awesome insults into. Can I leave early tonight? I need to learn sign language and figure out what the fuck he just called me. Cause I know it was an insult! He had the insulting strut going.” Loki had challenged her not to use the Internet. But he'd just used a physical form of communication so she was going to need the recording from JARVIS.
Jane felt her worry ease off. If Loki and Darcy were insulting each other at least they weren't causing chaos elsewhere. “Yea sure, just don't pull another all nighter. You almost burned down the lab last week.”
“Says the woman that sleeps less than me on a regular basis.” Darcy giggled as she ducked from the paper clip Jane threw at her.
~~ ~~~~
Three days later Darcy was riled and ready for Loki.
Clint, Natasha, and Steve were in the living room going over the designs Tony had given them for suit and weapon upgrades. Loki was in the corner scanning over the bookcase for his next reading selection.
The three fighters couldn't help but be accidental witnesses when Darcy marched up to Loki, spun him around and kissed him full on the mouth. Her face dead serious she followed it up with a bunch of garbled words that sounded like she was trying to clear her throat and speak German at the same time. Darcy then whirled away just as quickly as she'd come in.
Steve pointed after her and asked, “What just happened?”
Clearing his throat Loki answered, “I may have given her a lewd suggestion in sign language. And that couldn't possibly have been a language she just vomited.”
“It's a language. Just not very well known. That was-” Steve was cut off from finishing his sentence by Loki raising his hand.
“Don't. Part of our current debate is learning the language used against us.” Loki didn't bother to take a book from the bookcase and instead teleported off to some unknown place.
Natasha nudged Steve in the ribs, “You would know Kling-on you closet nerd.”
Clint snickered, “What did she say?”
Steve shook his head, “Just cause I know what language it was doesn't mean I know what was said.” The lie was so obvious on his face that Jane would have been able to see it. The two assassins decided it must have been personal if Steve didn't want to share, though the kiss proceeding the nerd speak was a clear indicator of that already.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Four nights later Darcy found herself barely conscious as she made her way to her bedroom. It was just after 2am and she was exhausted. Jane had kept her running up and down the tower to check on weather readings with a little handheld that wasn't able to send a signal to the lab.
It took her a moment to realize her bedroom wasn't empty when she opened the door. Loki lay on top of the covers, shirtless, in sleek black leather pants and pure lust oozing out of his eyes. Her mind jolted back to a hidden source of energy she didn't know existed. “You figure out my butchered Kling-on?”
“Butchered doesn't come nearly close enough to how poor your pronunciation was. But yes I translated it. Though I was delightfully surprised.”
“Loki, you told me I probably broke all my suitors into tiny pieces after intercourse and ate them like a preying mantis. I was trying to threaten you.....kind of.” Darcy had laughed good and hard when she'd translated Loki's sign language insult. It was completely out of nowhere and it had actually brightened her day.
“I insult your ability to keep relations with men and you responded with an invitation to be your next victim. Which I happily accept if that wasn't apparent.” He gestured to his half dressed display and a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.
Laughing Darcy began to pull off her sweater and shirt, in Asgardian (much to Loki's continued pleasure) she told him, “You've been trapped by your own words twice now.”
*Vulgar wench
**You're a pompous asshole.
*** If you don't know the science then why bother to torture your poor little mind?
****You're a doorknob and a horse molester.
*****You must have a broader vocabulary than that.