Archive of Our Own

"He's not good enough for you."

Jungkook sighs, face pressed to the table so completely he's certain he'll have wood grain imprints but that's fine. He spins a top because it's there, watches it spiral fast faster fastest before veering clean off and onto the floor with a metallic clatter. A warm hand at the back of his neck causes him to tense for a moment before relaxing. It's just Taehyung, Taehyung who is one of the few people he can have close contact with and not end up feeling strange and less than himself. He chalks some of this up to the fact that he's known Tae for all his life and the slightly older boy has always, always been on the touchy side. But Taehyung is the exception really because Jungkook doesn't even particularly like physical affection from people who would ordinarily be the usual suspects -- parents, other close friends, so on and so forth. With his mother a pat on the head usually equates to something along the lines of 'you tried' which then implies 'not good enough'. With his father it's not ill-willed but obviously foreign to him even seventeen years out, awkward enough and forced enough that Jungkook has long since found he prefers to avoid it altogether. 

He has other people who love him in the ways the outside world understands. Taehyung he met in the first year of primary school: a boy with big smiling eyes up to his elbows in dirt and donning a sunflower behind his ear, a straw hat on the ground near his knees, his box-shaped grin a permanent sort of impression. Jungkook remembers Tae offering him a daisy, remembers the other boy tucking it similarly behind Jungkook's own ear and patting his cheek, which also meant smudging it with dirt. For a boy who always liked to be clean, Jungkook surprised himself by not minding, touched by the gift and Taehyung's natural warmth. They took nap time together despite being told repeatedly that they had their own mats for reasons, and when it came time to finger paint Taehyung somehow convinced Jungkook to paint all over him instead of the paper. 

Fast forward to now and not much has changed if the way Taehyung is inking various cute things onto Jungkook's closest hand is any indication. His hair is a silver lilac right now, though for how long nobody knows. Of everyone Jungkook has met, Tae is the only one who can pull off literally any hair color. ("He looks like one of those Animes," Jungkook's mom always says with some chagrin and Jungkook doesn't bother correcting her, just nods solemnly and says "I know.") 

Well actually that's not entirely true.

There's this one other person...

Taehyung's groan cuts into his thoughts.

"You're thinking about him again," he mumbles and it's petulant but it's also concerned. Worried. Jungkook can hear all the things Tae doesn't tell him by now after all. With his free hand he reaches out to tug on some of Taehyung's longer hair.

"So what if I am?" 

Finally ceasing in his impromptu temporary tattoo session, Taehyung sets the pen down, flopping his arms on the table to rest his chin on them though one of his hands twitches as if it wants to be back on Jungkook's shoulder or nape. Anywhere. Sometimes Jungkook wonders if people are physically the way they are sexually -- different on a wide wide spectrum so vast that to pinpoint it one might as well just give up right away because it's impossible to label. The only way to know is case-by-case, he imagines. It's these thoughts, weirdly innocent maybe, that often crop up in Jungkook's head -- questions about how if this world exists surely another world exists and how precisely would one get there? Is it like Star Trek where you go through a wormhole? And in that case it's not really a different world, he supposes, but it's far far away and probably very different.

"--kookie? Hey." A hand is waving up and down in front of his face but it takes Jungkook a moment to register it, a moment too long it seems because the same hand reaches out to pinch the bridge of Jungkook's nose.

"Ow, leggo..."

"You aren't thinking about him now," it's an observation not a question because Taehyung knows Jungkook as well as the reverse. Jungkook hums a needless confirmation and draws circles on the table with his fingertip. Along the length of that finger Taehyung drew little suns and stars but it looks almost like Henna, delicate and particular and way better work than one would be expected to execute with a cheap ballpoint pen. Jungkook takes a moment to admire it because pretty is pretty. His mom will have him wash it off the moment she sees, that's after she calms down from believing it's real, but until then he enjoys it.

"Why do you keep saying he's not good enough?" When he asks, he lifts his head, stretching his arms high above until a few tense cracks can be heard in the relative silence. They're at Taehyung's house, which is the house he lives in with his grandmother who he loves maybe most of all in the world. Jungkook loves her too. They pick strawberries together every summer and make an embarrassing mess and then clean it up and all she ever says is 'well good for you'. She seems to mean it.

"You like him too much and he doesn't like you enough." The answer is fast, crisp, and pointed in a way Jungkook isn't accustomed to hearing Taehyung be and it makes him look at him a little closer. He's not saying everything he wants to say; Jungkook can tell because Taehyung's lips thin in a lopsided way when he's chewing his words; his hands too: suddenly all sweater paws and no articulation, the shredded material of his sleeves somehow stylish instead of sloppy. The way his eyes meet Jungkook's directly then lower is also a tell but Jungkook has never felt comfortable pushing people who are obviously, consciously holding back. It feels like a breach of trust, as if anyone has the right to tell another person when they're ready to say whatever they want to say. So he doesn't. Instead he turns Taehyung's words round and around in his head.

Rocking back in his chair, he almost tips over but Taehyung grabs his wrist, the other hand steadying the chair at the back.

"Sorry," he says. "Thanks." This close, their noses brush and this time when Taehyung meets his eyes Jungkook can't breathe.

"He doesn't like you enough," he repeats and it's so, so quiet.

They fall asleep together as usual, Taehyung with an arm over Jungkook's curled form, the wind from the open window easing the residual warmth of passing summer.


*



What people 'know' about Min Yoongi: he's a little cold, a lot standoffish, hard to get to know, has a sharp sense of humor, changes his hair quite often,  is probably not good enough for Jungkook (according to Tae, according to everyone, even the people who are friends with Yoongi already.) Every single one of them shares this strange impression that Jungkook can't quite get his head around, though he tries daily since it's a recurring topic of choice. The Yoongi he knows has a definitive warmth to him despite all his edges and he can be mean but who in the world is never mean? Jungkook shudders to think of the last time he got on Seokjin's bad side but that's another story for another day. 

In the end, if he has a crush on Yoongi it's not really anyone else's business except maybe Yoongi himself and that's okay with Jungkook.

To him, Yoongi likes him just fine. 

It's everyone else's perspective that seems to be askew and it is with this in mind that he hunts the older boy down at the outdoor basketball courts. With dusk setting in it's about time to call it quits but when he arrives Yoongi is there, a soft whirl of fair skin and silver hair and Jungkook shoves his hands into his pockets, tells himself to be cool.

Easy.

They know each other. This is fine.

His first step on the asphalt is actually more of a faceplant. He catches himself with his hands but scrapes one raw as well as a knee. This is all intensely second priority to his burning embarrassment, the kind that makes one pray and wish and scream inside for a big black hole to open up and swallow oneself whole. But the world is short on black holes apparently because it doesn't happen. What does happen: Yoongi is at his side in less than a blink, a hand between his shoulder blades, the other hovering, not wanting to aggravate anything but wanting to get a closer look. This close, Jungkook smells the mix of summer's humidity, Yoongi's sweat, and the interestingly pine-like smell Yoongi himself always seems to have. He claims it's from the billions of car fresheners he's around at his part-time job but those things smell awful and Yoongi always smells wonderful so Jungkook remains skeptical.

"The hell did you do?" Yoongi has Jungkook's hand now in both of his, cradling it with a gentleness Jungkook opens up for the way flowers do for the sun (some even for the moon) but Yoongi isn't looking at his expression so it's safe to be completely honest. Just for a moment.

 "I knew you'd be here," he says and Yoongi snorts as if to ask where else he would be but the sound is fond enough. 

"You're a mess. Come on." He lets go of Jungkook's hand with the same care and nods in a direction with his head. "Let's get that cleaned." Sometimes when Jungkook injures himself from falling out of trees or running too fast or just not looking where he's going, Yoongi will sigh and drag him to Seokjin who will also sigh before inviting them both in for bandaids and cookies in that order. Sometimes he just walks him home (rarely, rarely) and by the time Jungkook is inside, he's gone. Almost as if he was never there at all though that's probably for the best. His mother probably can't handle more than one real life Anime at a time. Other times -- twice in fact -- Yoongi takes the decrepit sidewalk run through with crawling vines and roots to his own place. It's a studio apartment which eats up most of his money, which is why Yoongi never looks like he's had enough to eat, which in turn is why Jungkook is almost always trying to shove food in his mouth when he gets the chance. The walk is safe despite its deserted qualities -- something out of a storybook that happens to be set in a semi-rural suburbia. 

They reach where a shrubbery runs the length of the next block and clear around it. It's roughly twelve feet high, and at around ten feet across there's a hidden gate: all wood with the latch so high up it's easier for Jungkook to reach except he can never find it. So they do what they did the last two times: Yoongi takes Jungkook's uninjured hand and reaches it up, maneuvers it blindly through the thick leaves until Jungkook feels his fingers curl at the metal latch, flaking with rust. 

Every time they step through here (hopefully again soon, Jungkook is allowed hope after all) it feels a little magical even though all they're facing on this side is an apartment building that looks to be on the wrong end of being a 'fixer upper'. Inside they climb four flights of permanently stained stairs, then it's down the left hall where they pass they ancient elevator that hasn't worked in years, and finally Yoongi's flat: 7B. He knows his parents would have ten kinds of fits if they knew he came to a place like this but what they don't know won't hurt them; that's what he figures. He toes off his shoes politely just inside the door.

"Thank you for having me," he says and the bemused look Yoongi sends him is...soft. 

Jungkook hears Taehyung's voice in his head: he doesn't like you enough. 

Maybe that seems true for anyone who does not see what Jungkook believes he is seeing now. He knows it comes from a place of protectiveness. 

"Bathroom," Yoongi waves him over. It's cramped because the bathroom does not even seem big enough to hold what it holds much less two boys no matter how slight; but they manage, Jungkook seated on the edge of the tub after washing the cuts out, Yoongi standing over him, applying antiseptic first to Jungkook's raw knee, then to his open palm. Beneath the back of his hand, Yoongi fans his own out as a place for Jungkook to rest it, and it always surprises him that Yoongi's hands are bigger even though Jungkook has had the height advantage for a while now. Not that it means anything. Jungkook just likes to know things about the people he knows. Little details. Big details. In-between details.

It makes life seem fuller, somehow.

"Should be okay," it's more a mumble than anything, Yoongi firmly pressing the adhesive ends of the bandaids, grimacing apologetically when Jungkook winces. Bruises tomorrow. Ah well.

"Thank you," he says and without thinking leans forward until his head rests against Yoongi's stomach. A little higher and he would be over his heart. He feels Yoongi freeze and he's so still for so long that Jungkook starts to pull away when fingers tangle in his hair and stay there.

"Any time."



* 


Some people would ask mutual friends: do you think so and so Likes me? 

Jungkook can feel his face burn almost right off just considering asking something like that and so he doesn't. But he wonders, sure. Seokjin especially through the years has remained diplomatically neither here nor there and Jungkook has no idea why but it is nice to know there's one friend he can visit without receiving the third degree. At Seokjin's the most he's in danger of is doing the dishes and Jungkook actually likes doing dishes as well as laundry so that's fine. There was this one time he used the wrong setting on Seokjin's new washer-dryer combo and that was a lowkey disaster but now whenever appliances are new he just asks for the manual. 

But he should be fine with his own assessment. If he's not then that's a sign in and of itself right? 

Except Jungkook has never had a crush before, had up until Min Yoongi kind of thought he might be asexual or aromantic or whatever the kids are calling whatever he thought he was. Even now he's not sure what to make of it, how he wants to always look at Yoongi but also has to look away quite often. How it's his voice he'd like to hear when he's troubled -- not even for solutions, not even necessarily to share what's wrong, but just to talk about anything. Several times they've been close enough to kiss, most recently in Yoongi's bathroom, and Jungkook was genuinely surprised each time that he thought he might want to.

It's still not a sure thing but he's had offers in the past and those all received what Jimin calls his Death Stare. Jungkook doesn't know what it looks like but the way his friends describe it has something to do with being dead inside, outside, and ready to drag in the company. Anyone who was genuinely too pushy had to deal with Taehyung and Jimin alike and while Jungkook stands by his sentiment that he can handle it all on his own, he's still grateful to have friends who will protect him whether he 'needs' it or not. There's something comforting on the deepest level to simply know one is not alone.

Jungkook thinks Yoongi understands this especially.

Sometimes at night he texts Yoongi and sometimes Yoongi texts back and sometimes they meet at the local beach under the silver moonlight. It should be romantic but it's actually just beautiful and Jungkook is more than alright with this. On more wakeful nights they invite the others and Seokjin will bring his guitar and Jungkook will sing after a little (a lot) of prodding encouragement. He feels safe enough this way, the sea breeze a gentle barrier between the thing he is sharing here with his dear friends and the things they all keep separate. Yoongi stokes the little fire-pit they have going in the sand and the sparks seem to follow the upward drift of Jungkook's voice: little stars ascending.

More often than not they stay out all night when it's the whole group and Jungkook gets in rather deep trouble upon arriving home but things like waking up with his head pillowed against Yoongi's shoulder, Yoongi's hand in his hair, are all worth it.




*



Things Jungkook doesn't know: how Yoongi talks about him, how Yoongi talks about him more than even Yoongi himself realizes until Seokjin starts making fun of him. This usually devolves into jabs about who is younger and who is older between them but it always circles back to the initial subject: Jungkook whose voice Yoongi loves to a point of embarrassment. Jungkook who seems content with things just the way they are and who Yoongi doesn't want to risk losing just to see if they can have more. Seokjin, at this point in their conversation, usually fixes him with a look and sometimes wields his ladle at him and simply says,

"You can't decide for him. You have to ask. You're not protecting him by not being honest." Then Seokjin will agonize for a few seconds about double negatives and Yoongi stops listening but the important part is already done with.

Seokjin is right.

Yoongi rather hates it.



*


"Besides," Namjoon  -- a guy Yoongi's been working with at the auto repair for over a year now -- says, "What if he starts to think you don't like him at all?" Yoongi rolls out from under one of the cars, grease streaks all over his jumpsuit and down the right side of his face, dark eyes frowning even while the rest of him remains rather stoic.

"We spend lots of time together. He knows I don't do that with people I don't like."

"But that's not enough," Namjoon is stubborn on this, a deep romantic at heart and a philosopher in every other way and on the average day Yoongi eventually tells him to stuff it but today he lets him go. "You're handling him with kid gloves but it's probably doing you more harm than good if you really like him."

Yoongi's retort is a low mumble: "Well he is a kid."

Namjoon's brow twitches.

"Is that why?"

From his place on the rolling support, Yoongi shrugs and wheels himself back under the car since that seems more productive.



*


It is and it isn't. Yoongi has always thought it was stupid to get hung up on age. You like someone you like someone, you don't like someone you don't like someone. Even as a child Yoongi often would watch older people around him and judge them deeply thinking: it's not rocket science. Of course now that he's going through it on his own he's a little less critical. It's no easy thing after all, asking oneself if several years apart is too much at their particular juncture in life. But it's not like it's only up to him. 

Lying half on and half off of his bed, Yoongi flicks his lighter on and off; on and off. He doesn't even smoke anymore though people sometimes assume he does due to his voice. But he's kept the lighter. Some people have stress balls; others have snacks; still others have different outlets. And Yoongi has his lighter, the reliable click and spark cutting the silence of his studio open over and over.

He'll ask Jungkook soon. Ask him what, his mind prompts, dry, and Yoongi scowls at the ceiling. 



*


He knows a little about Jungkook's home based on how Jungkook is: how it's quiet and maybe a little austere; not outright neglectful but not warm, how it's sort of nothing and that this is why Jungkook can so often be found in the company of Kim Taehyung or Park Jimin, indeed at one of the two houses more usually than his own. Sometimes there's a sharp, tense prickle of something tight in Yoongi's chest when Taehyung wraps his arms around Jungkook from behind and whispers something in his ear. Sometimes that same feeling boils up when Jimin flops in Jungkook's lap and calls him by his nickname and presses their foreheads together the way small puppies do. It's not entirely rational; he knows it's not the same and even though Jungkook likes this affection from his closest friends, Yoongi can still see a reserved quality in his frame: how he lets it happen because he loves them and wants to be close to them, but not necessarily because he loves hugs or eskimo kisses. The way they laugh when they are all in a pile really does remind Yoongi of a bunch of Golden Retriever puppies and he tells Jungkook as much one day, their arms brushing unnecessarily close as they sit on Seokjin's balcony with their legs through the railing (despite his constant nagging to Not Do That.) 

"I always wanted a puppy," Jungkook laughs and it's a little more of a grown up sound. Not in tone. Not in timbre. Just in feeling. It's enough to make Yoongi turn his head towards him, but Jungkook is already staring at him too so they lock eyes. Seconds or a minute. He's not sure but he wants to lean in, wants to brush his mouth against the mole under Jungkook's lip and then the corner of his mouth and then just to the side of his eye, wants to show him: I think of you this way and I think of you often.

It's Jungkook who breaks the gaze first, drops his head to Yoongi's shoulder where Yoongi can feel the very faint tremors moving through him. Even his breathing is a little off and he's a nanosecond from panic when Jungkook's hand curls over Yoongi's, thumbs the sharps of his knuckles and distracts Yoongi so completely he almost misses the muffled utterance into the sleeve of his hoodie. 

"Yoongi."

It's just his name. 

It's everything. 

Yoongi holds him until he stops shaking. 

"I'll bring you food," Jungkook says later and Yoongi hears what he means: thanks for earlier, thanks for always.

Yoongi smiles, says, "Okay."



*



What it amounts to is this: no one is forcing Jungkook to like Yoongi, least of all Yoongi himself. Jungkook gravitates towards him because he wants to. He has all in all his mother's perseverance and his father's stubbornness so despite his own bundle of nerves and anxieties he brings to the table for two, Doing Things He Doesn't Want To is not a part of it and honestly never has been. If his patience is mistaken for being a pushover, well, he figures that's an outsider's opinion and an outsider's problem. 

What's more: Yoongi is patient too, is teeming with something like want in the way he threads their fingers together and noses deep against Jungkook's nape, but never overbearing. 

Jungkook wonders when the day will come when he can use big words with him but finds intense comfort in the knowledge that whenever that is, Yoongi seems content to be there.



*




In an unprecedented turn of events, Taehyung has invited everyone to go strawberry picking this year. Namjoon somehow has already got smushed strawberry in his hair which Seokjin is trying to pinch out while giggling so much his cheeks are turning pink. Hoseok, Jimin's new dance teacher in the company, is also here, his smile rivaling the actual sun in a way that makes everyone around him smile too. Yoongi and Jimin are bickering in a way that makes Jungkook think they could have their very own sitcom, picking berries all the while. And then there's Taehyung, silently and diligently filling basket after basket. The look he wears is both one of childhood and growing up and it draws Jungkook to him softly, kneeling to his right.

"Strawberry muffins?" he suggests and Taehyung nods. "And preserves. They'd go good in pancakes too if we want. Grandma says we could even do ice cream since harvest is so huge this year but that sounds like a lot of work..." he huffs, long bangs flying up out of his eyes.

"There is no work too great for strawberry ice cream," Jimin crouches to Tae's left and leans on him. 

"You make it then."

"I will. And I'm only sharing with Jungkookie."

"Hey!"



*



That night Jungkook goes home with a basket of fresh strawberries and a basket of muffins. His mom thanks him but the expression she wears is deeply odd and Jungkook doesn't know why until the next morning when his dad informs him that they are moving. 



*


Yoongi is clocking out when Tablo brushes by, says someone's here for him. Confused, Yoongi goes outside.

A few things hit him all at once: Jungkook is smiling but he looks like he should be crying; Jungkook is wearing a t-shirt in forty degree weather; Jungkook seems frozen to the spot he's standing in.

They stare at each other for a while. A car goes by. There's the clanging and banging of the mechanics in the garage.

Then Yoongi walks forward and fits their hands together.

Takes him home.


*



Yoongi's bed is stupidly soft. This, Jungkook has always thought and blamed much of the older boy's lethargy on it; if one has this kind of bed it becomes suddenly very understandable why a person wouldn't get out of bed before 2PM if he had the option. Jungkook's head rests on Yoongi's thigh, Yoongi himself propped up against the headboard of his bed, his fingertips lazing back and forth along the soft line of Jungkook's neck. 

"Do the others know?"

Jungkook shakes his head.

"Want me to call them over?"

Again, he shakes his head.

Yoongi sighs.

"Alright."

When Jungkook falls asleep Yoongi curls over and presses a kiss to his temple. Where Yoongi smells of pine, Jungkook smells a little like the ocean, which by all rights should be impossible this far inland but that's Jungkook -- defying reality on a daily, ordinary basis.

"You could stay here," he whispers, "with me," but Jungkook doesn't hear him.



*



"You can't. It's your last year. You...that's not..." Taehyung and Jimin are up in arms and Taehyung's grandmother can be heard cursing in the kitchen in a way traditionally not expected of a lady her age. Jungkook is fairly used to it by now.

"I don't have a choice," he says and draws his knees under his chin, closes his eyes.

"Yes. You do." Jungkook feels hands at either side of him, Taehyung caging him in just to get his attention, to make a point. And it's not like Tae would ever lie to him about something so important but as far as Jungkook can tell in his life, he's been given a great deal of freedom for the price of always obeying the hard lines. This, his father made rather clear, is a hard line. 

"No."

"Why won't you even try?" Jimin is holding one of his hands, massaging it for lack of anything else to do with his unhappy energy.

"When it's over, I'll come back. I mean, when I graduate. I wanted to apply to universities here anyway and that's up to me." He knows he's convincing himself too, is well aware.

He supposes it's what one calls growing up. Alternately: fake it til you make it.

The three of them end up slumber partying on the floor in a nest of so many pillows and blankets and sleeping bags and Jungkook forgets for a little while how he has to leave it all behind.

When the other two are asleep he brushes Taehyung's hair out of his eyes and gently rolls Jimin over so he's not super sore in the morning.

Then he curls on his side and cries. Quietly. 

He must fall asleep at some point because he wakes up to Jimin's face pressed against his arm and Taehyung's leg over his side.

it makes him want to laugh and cry all over again.



*




"You know what I kept saying about Yoongi," Taehyung drags a stick along the metal fence as they walk home the long way. Jungkook nods, readjusts the strap of his backpack which always seems to be slipping down. "I was wrong."

Jungkook stops walking and Taehyung pretends not to notice.

"In case you were ever wondering," he explains, and Jungkook watches Taehyung get farther and farther away before running to catch up, their shoulders bumping. They walk until they reach a mobile popsicle vendor and Jungkook buys a pair he breaks apart with practiced ease, offering one half even as he sticks the other side into his mouth. Taehyung laughs in spite of everything and does the same.

They both bemoan brain freeze shortly and laugh a little more, the dying sun braiding stars across their crowns.



*



Perched on the back of Seokjin's couch, Jungkook rubs the braided string of one of his friendship bracelets. He has three on his left wrist that he's never removed. They say to let them fall off on their own is good luck and you get a wish each time you lose one, which he figures is pretty cool and these days he'll take his magic where he can get it. A weight settling near snaps his thoughts to the present and it's Seokjin of course (who else) looking not a bit his age in a Mario t-shirt and glasses that offset the roundness of his soft features. Beautiful. It's common knowledge of course; Seokjin is hilariously well known in town just because he's That Handsome, but it doesn't seem to bother him. 

"We can e-mail," he says. "Facetime. Whatever you want. We're still here for you, okay?" These are the words nearly of a parent but maybe more closely, an older brother and Jungkook is grateful even while simultaneously he feels guilty about being treated so delicately. It would be a lie to say he doesn't need it though. Each night at home has been horrible for lack of a better word. The house is gutted and it's not like it was very homey before but it feels like they're already gone and Jungkook....hates it.

The lump in his throat is perpetual these days, the nausea in his gut, the ache in his temples.

Somewhere in there though, there's gratitude too.

Something soft and kind beneath the things he can't control.

He breathes and then sighs when Seokjin tugs him down properly, an arm slung about his shoulders. They sit like that, comfortable without words for a long time but when the blond speaks again he doesn't mince his words, thumbs Jungkook's shoulder to make sure he's paying attention and says, as gentle as can be:

"He's already missing you."





*




Jungkook leaves just before Seokjin's birthday. The car is out of the driveway at 6 in the morning and out of the town by 6:30.





*



Yoongi drops by, an origami game in his hands that opens and shuts in different hints and eventually opens into a map. He follows the vines (because the drawing is flowered vines, not just a dotted line of course) through the abandoned house until he gets to the room that must have been Jungkook's. The flowers on the vines morph from daisies to apple blossoms and finally to snowdrops: Yoongi realizing the map by running his hands across the floorboards until he finds himself at the threshold of Jungkook's closet. There's a loose one just inside, a crescent just deep enough to hook his finger into and tug the panel up. 

By the magic of dust bunnies alone it's already very mucky and Yoongi waves his hand, sneezing a couple of times as he retrieves a small wooden box. 

The song it plays when he opens it is not one he recognizes but he loves it all the same.




*

From Tae, Jimin, Jin, Joon, Yoongi, Hobi:
HOBI 9:18AM
It's sort of summer camp. Winter camp. IDK

From Tae, Jimin, Jin, Joon, Yoongi, Hobi:
JIN 9:19AM
Ignore them. It's just more presents. How
are you?

From Tae, Jimin, Jin, Joon, Yoongi, Hobi:
JIMIN 9:19AM
DONT TELL HIM TO IGNORE US H-

From Tae, Jimin, Jin, Joon, Yoongi, Hobi:
JOON 9:21AM
Yoongi's at work, just so you know.

From Tae, Jimin, Jin, Joon, Yoongi, Hobi:
TAE 9:26AM
we
JIMIN 9:26AM
miss
HOBI 9:26AM
yOU
JIN 9:26AM
too
JOON 9:26AM
!!!!! :3





*



From Yoongi, Seokjin:
YOONGI 11:11PM
hey merry christmas
fuck
i didn't mean to send that to u jin
delete



*



From Yoongi:
YOONGI 11:17PM
sorry i wasn't around earlier. 
i miss you
hope youre doing ok
did you know the song in the box
kind of sappy but kind of great
it has words uh

From Yoongi:
YOONGI 11:19PM
[illseeyouagain.mp3]


From Yoongi:
YOONGI 11:19PM
merry christmas kook. see you in the new year.



*



January is the worst. Jungkook doesn't hate his new school but he's not comfortable, dedicates all his energy to doing well -- which granted he did before, but now it's rather singleminded. His parents both go away for business trips so often he doesn't understand why they had to move in the first place if they're never going to be home but he owes it to them as his parents to trust their choices, so he does. He sees his mother twice in January and his father once, and one would think he would text with the others even more than before but the opposite turns out to be true. If he's not doing school work or stealing a music room for himself during lunch, he's figuring out the particulars of his favorite Christmas gift: a camera. The boys sent it with a note: we want to keep making memories. Always.


He keeps busy.

At random, he has trouble breathing sometimes, gets cold, gets dizzy; but these spells never last.

He keeps busy.

But January leaves him lonely and strange.





*



From Yoongi:
YOONGI 1:15PM
hey what are you up to
YOONGI 5:40PM
let us know what universities youre
going for ok
YOONGI 12:09AM
kook?



*



From Jungkook:
JUNGKOOK 3:51AM
[themoonisreallyfull.jpeg]



*




Jungkook is dragging himself home late as usual. This time it's not his fault. People seem to target him for easy pickings and he's not sure why but it's more and more of a problem lately. Maybe it's the neighborhood. Figures. When he brushes his hand against his mouth its comes away streaked with blood but he's not worried. Tired though. Just a couple more months. 


He has his head ducked so at first he doesn't notice the person sitting on the house's front porch.

The light catches loosely on mint hair though and Jungkook's throat closes up, his chest tightens, his knees buckle.

Yoongi's hands are cold even through his stupid gloves but they're the best things Jungkook has felt since moving away. His head is swimming and he can't understand a word of what his boyfriend (call it what it is, he supposes) is saying but he knows he likes the sound of his voice, just like always. He has to close his eyes, woozy, and he lets himself be half dragged half directed to a reclining position on the porch rather than the driveway. A gloveless hand brushes his hair back from his forehead and dimly Jungkook's aware of a litany of curse words, rapid-fire and very Yoongi.

Maybe Yoongi says his name. Jungkook isn't sure but he smiles as if he is.




*



"Knew something was wrong." 

His head is heavy. It feels like there are rocks in it and also on his chest. He also feels like he might need to vomit. Yoongi's voice fades in and out.

"No one else is here. We can't just leave him like this. Jin!"

Some furious response comes through from the other end, destroyed by the reception but Yoongi seems to hear him fine, teeth biting so hard into his tongue it bleeds.

"I--" Yoongi notices Jungkook's eyes, bleary but open and he stops. "...Jin I gotta go. He's awake. Yeah-- yeah. Fine." The call ends and Yoongi is crouching at the side of Jungkook's bed,  looking like murder. Jungkook is too tired for this. He closes his eyes. 

"Don't be mad."

"You stopped replying."

"I send you pictures."

I would send you songs, if I had any, he thinks and is sad in a way he's ashamed of.

"We were worried....we are worried."

Jungkook sighs.

He guesses he should apologize.

"Don't."

Jungkook squints and this time it's Yoongi's turn to sigh.

"Don't say you're sorry. I don't want that."

He moves Jungkook just enough so he can climb into the bed with him, slips his arms around in muscle memory, and presses his hand to the back of Jungkook's head, rubbing at his nape, trying to dispel some of the tension there. It aches at the same time that it helps and if his headache was a tic closer to a migraine the force would be unbearable but the universe has pity on him and it ends up just lulling Jungkook back into a soft state of unconsciousness. As Jungkook's breathing evens out, Yoongi looks closely at him: the blood at the corner of his mouth, the deep shadows under his eyes, the too sharp cut of his jaw like the remnant baby fat was just stripped raw off of him. 

Holds him closer.



*




Yoongi can't stay. He has his job and Jungkook's parents (at least one of them) should be back for a day or two soon. But he finds out Jungkook has made at least one friend (sort of) because he finds a new name in his phone wedged between the familiar ones. He adds the contactSUNYOUL to his own phone.

This is probably overstepping but at this point he's willing to do it if it helps keep Jungkook safe.
 



*




From Yoongi:
YOONGI 9:12AM
sunyoul?

From Sunyoul:
SUNYOUL 9:15AM
Yes? Who is this please?

From Yoongi:
YOONGI 9:16AM
sorry i know this is weird but i'm
jungkook's friend -- yoongi -- and
he's been having a hard time lately
and  since none of us aer actually 
THERE i kinda took your info
out of his phone bc i was hoping
u could help us keep tabs on him


From Sunyoul:
SUNYOUL 9:44AM
If you think it will help him, then I
would be happy to. I thought he
looked kind of not so good lately.
I'm sorry if it got too out of hand.


From Yoongi:
YOONGI 9:46AM
what are you apologizing for? it's
technically on him. he knows he
should take better care of himself
but since he obviously isn't, we 
have to resort to this. idk we could
pay you????


From Sunyoul:
SUNYOUL 9:47AM
NO no no please. Don't. I'm happy
to help Jungkook if I can. I'll keep
you posted. No compensation 
necessary ^^;; Please.






*





The double agent thing or whatever they call it, works pretty well. If Jungkook is suspicious of Sunyoul working up the nerve to be more than a cursory assistance to him in every day life, he doesn't show it. Sunyoul, credit due where credit's due, weaves his way into Jungkook's life at school easily enough. It helps that they share most classes because Sunyoul is on an accelerated program, so even being younger he ends up in the same blocked schedule. He comes up with a dozen ways to fob off food on Jungkook, among other things, usually under the guise of making too much. He's only a little worried Jungkook will become annoyed and one day when he's offering a separate helping of his own boxed lunch, he thinks maybe he's hit the other boy's threshold when he looks up.

But his expression isn't annoyed so much as pensive.

"You remind me of a friend I had back home."

He accepts the lunch, graceful and polite despite his awkwardness, how he furtively looks up every now and then, spooked.

"Do you still talk to them?" Sunyoul sits, because why not? No one else sits with Jungkook, and for the longest time Sunyoul thought he preferred it that way.

Now he's revising that assumption.

Jungkook looks smaller these days.

"Not as much as I should." The confession is muted and Jungkook doesn't eat anymore but Sunyoul insists he just take it home with him.

He's maybe absurdly gratified when Jungkook actually does.



*



From Yoongi:
YOONGI 6:51PM
how is he?

From Sunyoul:
SUNYOUL 7:03PM
better ^_^ 
SUNYOUL 7:04PM
he says he wants to
introduce me to his
boyfriend. 
SUNYOUL 7:04PM
;3





*




Winter ends because winter always ends. Though sometimes it's easy to forget. If family isn't really family; if friends are a little too far for the heart to handle; if things are too uncertain no matter the direction one is running in. Jungkook wakes up one morning and smells the wild bracket of roses winding its untamed way up the side of their house, opens his window to reach out and cup an especially red bloom.

The scent sets him dreaming wide awake.




*




From Jungkook:
JUNGKOOK 3:27PM
sending u guys something gonna
send it to jin's house bc probly
most reliable

From Tae, Jimin, Jin, Joon, Yoongi, Hobi:
JIMIN 3:27PM
he is NOT
TAE 3:27PM
he really isn't
JIN 3:28PM
wth is this mutiny i have half a
mind to make you all
YOONGI 3:28PM
STOP
JIN 3:28PM
walk the plank
JOON 3:29PM
lol
HOBI 3:29PM
HAHAHAHAHAA
JIMIN 3:30PM
no...


From Jungkook:
JUNGKOOK 3:30PM
g2g ttyl 


From Tae, Jimin, Jin, Joon, Yoongi, Hobi:
JIMIN 3:30PM
u scared him away
YOONGI 3:31PM
what are you even
JIN 3:31PM
i am hilarious. 
HOBI 3:32PM
i thought it was pretty funny...
JOON 3:33PM
lololol
JIN 3:33PM
fyi you ARE NOT SAFE KIM NAMJOON
JIMIN 3:33PM
lol





*



For Yoongi's birthday, Jungkook sends him a song ("The music would be better with more than piano probably but that's all i can do right now; I hope you like it....I hope you know...") and a crown of mingled forget-me-nots and snowdrops and thistles. Yoongi notices the next time Jungkook texts a selca (per request of Jimin who claims he's forgetting what "our jungkookie" looks like -- a deadass lie but then Jimin wants what Jimin wants) he's waving because he's almost always waving or holding his hand under his chin: his fingers are all covered in bandaids. Closer inspection shows that the bandaids are cat-lady themed, which begs the question where he got them but all in all Yoongi is just glad if he can't be there to patch him up, someone is. (He finds out later the bandaids are from a girl named Moonbyul who loves to rap, dance, and rescue stray cats. Jungkook likes her enough that he's spending time with her and something heavy in Yoongi's heart lifts just a little, eases.)

Yoongi sends him a picture wearing the flower crown then hangs it on his wall right next to his camera.




*


The song makes Yoongi cry. But these days there isn't a lot left to say; it's just the waiting. So he calls him and says the part that matters most:

"I know."

I know.




*


When Jungkook leaves this town Sunyoul and Moonbyul are the only ones who see him off. His parents are away again but that's fine. He left them a note and he supposes they'll call him when they get back.

Moonbyul hooks an arm around his shoulders with surprising strength and then rubs her fist against the crown of his head none too lightly before spinning him to face her directly.

"You know what I'm going to say." She leans their foreheads together, her hands overlapped at the back of his head. Jungkook smiles, all teeth and cheeks a little fuller than they were in January; healthier. 

"Say it anyway."

Moonbyul grins as she leans back and grips his shoulder hard one more time. "Go. Be great."

Sunyoul giggles. Between marathoning Voltron and finishing exams, it's no wonder the former is the thing that sticks.

He snaps a picture on his cellphone to text to them later before shuffling forward.

Unlike Moonbyul, Sunyoul has never been great at making physical affection a natural extension. What's more, Sunyoul could tell the moment he saw Jungkook that he was of a similar ilk, so even now, friends, he hesitates, a lopsided smile bright and careful.

Jungkook reaches for him, loops his arms around him easily because Sunyoul is so much smaller and shocks Sunyoul by holding onto him for a little while. When he raises his head he's blinking fiercely and Sunyoul surprises himself now, reaching out to fix a few stray mussed strands of Jungkook's hair. He smiles again.

"We'll miss you."

Jungkook's smile back is a little watery but he nods, says, "I'll miss you too." Means: I might not have made it without you and i'm not sure I was a good enough friend in return....but we have time.

Even moving back to where he came from, Jungkook believes this is true. Moonbyul and Sunyoul have made no enigma of their intentions to leave as well when they graduate and before then, Jungkook has asked them to visit.

"I'll see you when I see you," he says because it's better than 'goodbye' and hopefully truer. 



*


Jungkook is done with goodbyes and that works out just fine because as it turns out, all his friends are waiting in Seokjin's apartment building's driveway to say a hundred versions of just one thing:

"Look who it is!"

"We missed you."

"We love you so much. Oh my god did you get your ears pierced again?!"

"You look taller. I'm suing."

"I'm not crying YOU'RE crying. Stop LAUGHING at me..."

"Hey."

Jungkook looks up from under the plethora of limbs at Yoongi who's staring at him fonder than the word can account for.

Behind him, Jimin makes a gagging noise so Hobi punches his shoulder.

"Hey," Jungkook echoes.

The world narrows and expands and love is fire but it's also water; it's balance. When Yoongi smiles, Jungkook opens his arms.




*



Later, all seven of them crammed onto Seokjin's living room floor, everyone else is asleep. 

Yoongi is tracing the line of Jungkook's spine, thoughtfully playing the pads of his fingertips between his vertebrae like a piano.

It comes to Jungkook that the cadence of his touches actually matches the song Jungkook wrote for him and that's it. He can't help it. He promised no one in particular that he wouldn't cry but he's crying. Then Yoongi gathers him back back back until he's resting against his chest and despite being smaller than Jungkook, he holds him just fine. He murmurs the words along the side of Jungkook's neck, the slope of his shoulder, behind his ear, and when Jungkook can breathe a little easier again, he turns his head just enough to make it count.






*


It's been forever but some kisses remain magically the same; manage to somehow mean the same things, the same big and infinite words:

Hello. Yes. Always. Sweet dreams. Good morning. Travel Safely.

Come home; come back. Stay. 

With me. With me.


*