Chapter Text
Finding out somebody is in love with me is one thing.
Finding out that he tried to kill himself because he is in love with me is another.
It's knowing that I'm the reason that he tried to end his life, that I'm the reason he self-harmed, that he starved himself, that he made himself throw up, that makes me feel overwhelmed with so many confusing emotions that I just want to scream.
I'm the reason for all of this and everybody knew it but me.
The moment that I knew, that I became a part of this twisted club of people who know, I wished that I could go back to the innocence of not knowing.
I wish that I could talk to him. I need answers.
What made him fall in love with me in the first place? What's so special about me? He deserves so much better.
Did we seriously sleep together?
Why didn't he ever tell me? Well, I understand why he didn't, but it seems like a question that needs to be asked anyways.
The guilt is overwhelming, as is the uncontrollable anger.
Why would he do something so stupid?
I reread the note for the thousandth time, ignoring the pitying looks the secretary gives me through my constant film of tears.
Fresh pain and hurt overwhelms me as I read what he wrote to me. His last words.
I want to go back before I knew. But I can't.
The moment I knew changed everything. And now I have to deal with it.