Chapter Text
Izuku sat in the middle of his brand new apartment feeling a gut-wrenching sense of loneliness. He had expected to feel a little sad after graduation. After all, his happiest memories were at U.A. But now, after unpacking his apartment and finally sitting in the quiet solitude, he yearned for the warmth and chaos of the dorms. And now that he had a month before he started working at Sir Nighteye's Agency, he didn't know what to do with himself.
He smiled with everyone else as they talked about their futures, but he felt an impending sense of dread for when his embers finally would leave him. It's not that he was scared to be quirkless, but rather, to lose everything he had fought to become. There was a moment during the final battle of the War when he felt like he had finally made One for All his own. But the next moment he had to give it up and, with it, his dream.
He would have a couple years of hero work using the embers before he would be used up and discarded. At least while he was still at U.A., he could pretend like the end wasn't coming. Now he knew that every battle brought him closer to seeing his friends achieve a dream that he could never have.
As he lay wallowing in his misery, he heard his phone ring. Izuku ignored the call because once he started spiraling, he knew his spiraling would just pull everyone into its miserable orbit. There was a reason it took the entirety of 1-A to wrangle a bone-weary vigilante from going off on his own.
Izuku liked to handle his problems alone.
But when he glanced at the caller ID and saw it was Uraraka, he knew he couldn't risk ignoring her. There were two people who had no qualms about breaking down every wall he put up, and one of them was Uraraka. The other one was obviously Katsuki.
"Deku! How's the apartment?" Uraraka's bright voice made him smile.
"It's alright, Uraraka. A little quiet." Izuku admitted sheepishly.
"Tsu and I were just talking about how we miss the dorms. Mina invited us to a get-together at Kirishima's place. You should come!" Izuku felt a little lighter, but then an intrusive thought entered his mind. Why hadn't Katsuki asked him to come?
Katsuki lived close by and he knew Katsuki would be at his best friends' apartment. Despite them getting closer over the years, he could never have what Katsuki had with Kirishima, Kaminari, and Sero. The four of them had such an easy-going friendship. There would always be a problematic past between him and Katsuki that complicated their friendship.
Izuku was terrified of pushing too hard and losing what they had. To be honest, he liked what they had. In a way, he was glad it wasn't simple and straightforward like other friendships. Katsuki and Izuku were always pushing each other to be better. They were always evolving. And somewhere between risking their lives to save the other, Izuku had realized his childhood admiration of Katsuki was more than just admiration.
It was love.
Of course that only made it harder as Katsuki tried to be better to him after the War. In their third year, during one of their meetings, All Might had even suggested that they work at the same agency with Mirio. For better or for worse, he would be seeing Katsuki every day.
The more he thought about it, the more his longing grew. There were times when he just wanted to grab Katsuki and keep him inside his pocket, close to his heart forever. But he knew Katsuki didn't see him that way, and that it was unfair to burden him with his feelings. He was fortunate to win back his friendship so he would not ask for or expect more.
He was satisfied with the pain of his unrequited love if it meant he could remain in Katsuki's orbit forever. Katsuki was the sun, blazing and brilliant, and Izuku had always been just a lowly dwarf planet lucky enough to be pulled in by his gravity.
"Sure! I was honestly just going to do nothing and sleep early anyways," Izuku admitted finally. He knew Katsuki's friends were a little more wild than his, but he had gone to the common room for their parties and enjoyed himself well enough. Todoroki often shared Endeavor's expensive whiskey with their group of friends and Izuku could enjoy getting buzzed as much as the next person.
"Oh Deku-kun!" Uraraka said sympathetically, "We are going to have fun tonight! We're heading over there soon! See you there!" Izuku was so thankful to have Uraraka in his life. They had both initially confused their platonic feelings for each other as romantic, but quickly realized they were both very gay for feisty blondes.
After the War, Uraraka had fallen into a deep depression over losing Toga, and Izuku had been just as traumatized, having seen Katsuki basically dead in front of him. He had confided in her about his feelings and she had as well, but neither of them had been able to move on. He was grateful he could at least see Katsuki and know he was alive, but Uraraka's feelings were complicated, knowing Toga had both killed people but sacrificed her life for her.
Love was painful no matter what though, and they both commiserated in their yearning.
"Please tell me you raided Endeavor's liquor cabinet for tonight," Izuku said as he saw Todoroki rounding the corner and looking at him with an impassive expression. He opened up his bag to show Izuku some bottles. "Thank goodness. I might need a little when we get there,"
"What's wrong, Midoriya?" Todoroki asked, as they made their way up the stairs of the apartment building.
"I've just been missing U.A. and feeling a little lonely without seeing everyone all the time."
"I can understand that. But, we can still hang out, right?" Todoroki asked innocently.
"Of course, Todoroki! I would like that." Izuku knew Todoroki understood him in a way most others didn't. Both of them had never had friends before coming to U.A., unless Izuku counted Katsuki. They had been so isolated, and then found friendship for the first time at U.A., so being without their new family was difficult. "How's living at home?"
"It's been nice," Todoroki said with a small smile, "I missed my mom," Izuku felt his heart clench and he reached out and rubbed Todoroki's shoulder affectionately. In a rare moment of affection, Todoroki grabbed Izuku's hand and squeezed.
"Oi nerd! Didn't know you were coming," Katsuki slouched against Kirishima's door, frowning at where Todoroki was holding Izuku's hand. In the years since the War, Katsuki had grown into himself, and without anger marring his face, everyone had discovered just what a pretty face he really had. Unfortunately for Izuku, this meant seeing way too many boys and girls confess to him. Fortunately, Katsuki never seemed interested in matters of the heart.
"Didn't know I was either," Izuku responded casually, trying to keep his cool, but feeling a slight blush on his face. Katsuki knocked on the door and when Kirishima opened the door he put an arm around Katsuki and dragged him in.
"Hey guys! Come on in!" Kaminari waved at them happily from inside. Uraraka bounded over to them and threw her arms around him and patted Todoroki on the back. He joined a corner of the room with the rest of his friends. Todoroki passed him a glass of whiskey, which Izuku gulped down, and was immediately served another one by an amused Todoroki.
"What's gotten into you?" Shinsou asked, eyeing his second glass of whiskey warily.
"I don't know what to do with myself!" Izuku groaned and flopped his head on Shinsou's shoulder.
"I will use my quirk on you and make you confess your undying love for Bakugou if you don't get off of me," Izuku scrambled off his friend, but threw a glare in his direction. He knew Shinsou would never use his quirk on him like that, but he hated that he weaponized his all-consuming crush against him.
He was about to retaliate when he heard loud cheering from the other end of the apartment. Kirishima and Kaminari were both taking shot after shot, with brief pauses to glance at each other. Katsuki was grinning into his cup and egging Kirishima on when he turned and made eye contact with Izuku.
"You and me next, Deku," he grinned wickedly, though he spoke his nickname with none of the derision of the past. Izuku stared confusedly, but like a magnet, he was pulled to Katsuki's side.
"What?" Izuku asked, as he bumped his shoulder into Katsuki. He was definitely buzzed after finishing his second glass of whiskey. The years since the War had gradually led to a light camaraderie that Izuku cherished. Before they could only express their friendship by risking their lives for each other, but now there were more simple tender moments too.
Izuku had come to realize that Katsuki was actually very soft-hearted at his core and had developed a tough exterior due to the societal expectations that come with developing a powerful quirk. It made it much easier to see past that exterior and cherish the almost ardent efforts Katsuki made towards repairing their friendship. It was incredibly endearing to say the least.
"Go shot for shot with me," Katsuki leaned in closer, "Or are you scared?" Izuku raised an eyebrow. If Izuku were sober, he might have recognized that this was a bad idea. Or maybe the pull of Katsuki on him was too strong regardless of his sobriety.
"I'll drink you under the table, Kacchan," he taunted. Kaminari giggled as he poured the shots, and Izuku locked eyes with Katsuki as he downed his first shot. He watched as Katsuki swallowed, feeling his whole body blush all of a sudden. They squinted at each other as they picked up the next shot. Kaminari was filling the shots as quickly as they were taking them, and soon the entire apartment was watching it go down.
Kacchan vs. Deku was a battle as old as time immemorial. Twin stars chasing each other to greater heights. Even in these small moments, Izuku was thankful for the chase. They moved to sitting down at the couch as the alcohol started affecting them. Izuku noticed how Katsuki's eyes were glazed over, and he was slouching and slurring his words. The problem was that he knew Katsuki wouldn't back down, but the bigger problem was Izuku wouldn't either. This was definitely a bad idea.
"Hey guys..." Kirishima said nervously, "Maybe we should call this a tie?"
"Fuck you, Shitty Hair. Deku's going down," Katsuki slurred.
"Nuh uh! Not if you go down first!" Izuku whined.
"This is a shitshow..." Sero deadpanned, eyeing Katsuki with concern. Izuku was inclined to agree. Three shots later, he reached for another and noticed how Katsuki was slumped over. Izuku rolled him over to his side and reached for a trash can, just as Katsuki puked his guts out. He rubbed circles in Katsuki's back, which really showed how drunk he was to be accepting Izuku's help. Sero pulled out his phone and started recording a video as he handed the last shot to Izuku. He glanced at Katsuki who was groaning weakly and grimaced as he took the last shot.
"That was painful to watch," Uraraka said, as she handed Katsuki a glass of water.
"I think I'll take Kacchan home now," Izuku said quietly. No one objected as they did not want to be the one to take care of a very drunk Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight. Katsuki was too drunk to stop Izuku from manhandling him onto his back. He piggybacked him out the door and charged up the embers to get them to Katsuki's apartment, which was only a five minute walk from Izuku's. He gently reached into Katsuki's pocket and let them into the apartment.
Izuku knew he had only a few precious moments before Katsuki was lucid enough to stop accepting Izuku's help. He lay Katsuki on his side, putting a wall of pillows behind him so he didn't turn onto his back. He grabbed a trash can and laid it next to the bed, and put a glass of water and aspirin on the nightstand. As he turned to leave, he felt a hand grab his wrist.
"Izuku," Katsuki whispered, "Stay with me?" Izuku felt his heart beat faster as the hand tightened on his wrist. But Katsuki was drunk. He would definitely hate it if he found Izuku in his room in the morning, fully sober.
But that didn't stem the tide of hope in his chest.
"How do you feel, Kacchan?" Izuku asked, crouching down to face Katsuki at eye level and gently pushing back the sweaty blonde spikes from his forehead. Crimson eyes crinkled with delight. Izuku hadn't seen Katsuki look this young in years. Just like Izuku, Katsuki carried so much with him from the War. But at that moment, he looked content.
"Mmm...happy," Katsuki said, looking directly at Izuku, as if he were staring right into his very soul. Izuku gasped, as though Katsuki would be able to read the number of times he had Katsuki's name etched into his heart. After extricating himself from Katsuki's grasp, Izuku watched as his smile fell into a pout.
"That's not what I meant, but I'm glad you're okay. Go to sleep, Kacchan," Izuku smoothed down Katsuki's hair and spoke soothingly. Izuku had never expected that drunk Katsuki would be so affectionate and pliant.
"Don't wanna sleep, Deku," Katsuki murmured sleepily. Izuku couldn't help but smile because he rarely got to see this side of the explosive hero. Katsuki lifted his head and looked at Deku with startling clarity. "Do you remember the river?"
"Um. No?" Izuku was caught off guard. Katsuki groaned and flopped onto his bed. Half his face was smushed against his pillow, but one eye was glaring back at Izuku. He looked too cute and Izuku just wanted to smush his face against Katsuki's.
"Of course you don't. We were kids and I fell in the river near our houses. You offered me a hand up but I was a shitty kid who thought you were looking down on me. The others just watched me fall though. I think everyone else thought I never needed a hand because my hands were so powerful. You were the only one who cared about me for me, not because of my quirk. I think about it a lot," Katsuki looked at Izuku expectantly.
"Sorry Kacchan! I honestly don't remember that, but you're right that I wouldn't have just stood by if you got hurt because I did care about you for you. I didn't look down on you. I thought you were amazing," Izuku grinned at Katsuki. Whatever Izuku said didn't seem to satisfy Katsuki.
"Yeah I think I've heard you say that once or twice," Katsuki sighed dejectedly and rolled over onto his back, letting go of Izuku and covering his eyes with the inside of his elbow. "I'm still so fucking drunk. It's way too damn bright and the room won't stop spinning," Katsuki shut his eyes and turned over onto his side, curling up into a ball.
"Let me get the lights then. Sleep tight Kacchan!" Izuku got up and flicked the lights off.
"You know I'd take your hand now, right?" Katsuki murmured into the darkness.
"You already did when it mattered, Kacchan. I'll always offer you my hand and I know you'll take it now," Izuku said gently. He hated the guilt Katsuki still carried with him. "Time to sleep now Kacchan, okay?" Izuku rubbed his knuckles gently on Katsuki's temple, hoping to quell his drunk thoughts.
"Don't leave, Deku. C'mon please?" The plea tugged on his heartstrings. Izuku wished that these were words Katsuki would speak soberly. As it were, he knew Katsuki well enough that he would not appreciate having Izuku in his home first thing in the morning. Izuku was sure that their friendship was fragile enough that staying over might fracture that. Hope was a dangerous thing that Izuku couldn't afford.
"I'll stay until you fall asleep," Izuku promised. Katsuki nodded tiredly and tried to keep his eyes open as long as he could, gazing right at Izuku. Soon his blinks became longer until he drifted into a peaceful slumber. Izuku guarded his heart as he glanced one last time at Katsuki's face with all his sharp edges softened by sleep.
When he got home he saw that Sero had posted the video in the class group chat, declaring Izuku the winner. Izuku's eyes were drawn to Katsuki's face, who was staring at Izuku with an unreadable expression as he rubbed his back. When he finally tucked himself into bed, he watched the video again, trying to figure out what Katsuki was thinking behind those inscrutable eyes.
That night he woke up screaming as he had a nightmare of finding Katsuki's corpse in the coffin in the sky.