Chapter Text
When Izuku's brain function finally returned, he found Katsuki staring at him intently. They'd been having more profound conversations since the War. Izuku remembered how Katsuki had told him once that he had thought of Izuku when he died. They'd discussed the after life and their places in the universe. Dying had really made Katsuki more existential. And he knew he had to take this question seriously because it clearly meant something to Katsuki.
"I believe in love and maybe there are soulmates, but I don't think they're ever meant to be. Even if you love someone truly, what are the chances they love you back? Your soulmate is probably out there somewhere in another universe or dimension, but what are the odds you'll ever find each other in a single lifetime or timeline?" Izuku looked at the ceiling where confetti and laser beams were now coming from. He didn't even feel sad that Katsuki would never love him, He was at peace with it. The bass thumped and Izuku could feel it in his chest, replacing the ache that had always been there.
"Shit. I didn't expect you to be so dark. Have you been in love or something?" Katsuki said with a furrow in his brow. He was assessing Izuku with a troubled look. Maybe this was Izuku's chance to confess without actually confessing.
"Yes, but he'll never love me back, so I've locked those feelings away. But I know my love is true." Izuku looked back at Katsuki nervously and there was a fire in his eyes.
"Who is it?" Kacchan asked breathlessly.
"I can't tell you that," Izuku responded bluntly.
"You don't trust me, Izuku? After everything we've been through?" Kacchan looked more desperate than Izuku had ever seen him before. He wasn't even angry. He just sounded despondent, like Izuku not trusting him would break him.
"Of course I trust you, Kacchan! I trust you with my life! But, I think I would lose you in my life if I told you who it is, and I'm not ready for that," Izuku said, hoping that he didn't give himself away. There was a heavy silence and Izuku picked confetti from his hair to avoid looking at Katsuki.
"Fine, then tell me about him," Kacchan said, moving closer. A dreamy smile took over Izuku's face, which Katsuki zeroed in on.
"He's amazing. He's strong and brave. When I want to feel stronger, I think of him. When I want to win a battle, I channel his spirit. But I love him most in the quieter moments. He can be so vulnerable and kind when he wants to. I think I've loved him in some form all my life, but I really fell in love when he showed me that I was worth changing for. I'd always chased after him, but I just want to be by his side." Katsuki's eyes were shining as he pulled closer to Izuku.
"And why do you think he doesn't love you back?" Katsuki asked confusedly.
"I don't just think he doesn't love me. I know he doesn't love me. He dated a guy and they seemed so in love. But then they broke up and he hooked up with a friend. He would rather be with anyone other than me. He'll never love me—" Katsuki grabbed Izuku's arm and pulled him close, effectively cutting him off.
"That's not true! I've only ever been in love with you, Izuku!" Katsuki declared. Izuku shut down for a second. Nothing was computing. He stood stock still, staring up at Katsuki.
"Huh?" Izuku said in a daze.
"I love you, Izuku. I realized I was in love with you the moment you left me to pull that vigilante shit first year. It hit me like a ton of bricks when you weren't by my side. You forgave me when I apologized, but I still didn't feel deserving of you. Even if I could never be with you, I knew I would only ever love you for the rest of my life. You've had my whole fucking heart even when I didn't deserve yours," Katsuki said passionately.
Izuku felt like he had been zapped into another dimension. He was hearing the words Katsuki was saying, but it was like the walls he had built were so fortified that nothing was let in. He could only latch onto thoughts that had been plaguing his mind the past two years.
"Why did you date Hawks if you love me? It makes no sense," Izuku said disbelievingly, but Katsuki looked deep in thought.
"Remember when I kept telling you I'd fix our friendship? It's because I realized that me being in love with you was hurting you. I felt so guilty that I turned you away and you kept having nightmares. So I thought if I could stop loving you then I could be the friend you needed me to be." A few tears tracked down Kacchan's cheeks. All of Izuku's anger faded. Kacchan hated showing vulnerability and he had already cried twice this evening. Izuku reached out and gently put his hand on Kacchan's shoulder.
"Why'd you shut me out that night? That was when things shifted and I have no idea what I did," Izuku murmured. Kacchan nodded, and seemed to gather the strength to keep talking. There was a slow reverb version of a song Jirou had shown him playing.
"I confessed and you turned me down, Deku," Katsuki said, and Izuku racked his brain trying to remember.
"I've never turned down your confession. I've been in love with you for so long. Why would I turn you down?" Izuku was so frustrated that he took Katsuki by the hand and walked them to the little bar on the balcony. He ordered a shot and took it while waiting for Katsuki's response.
"I asked you what you wanted and you said you didn't know," Katsuki sighed.
"What? You call that a confession? Oh my god Kacchan! You're so annoying. I was actually going to come back and confess for real. I had been with Uraraka who was crying over Toga, and I realized the love of my life is alive so I need to stop feeling guilty about his death and just tell him how I feel. It was such an epiphany for me and then you just asked me to leave," Izuku ranted as he took another shot from a very entertained bartender.
"Fuck! So if I hadn't shut you out, we could have been together this whole time? Fuck my life!"
"I still don't get how that led you to dating Hawks?" Izuku asked again, moving swiftly on from speculating over hypotheticals that would just raise his blood pressure.
"I kept trying to find a way to fix shit between us. Then, after the mission, Hawks told me he was trying to get over his first love. I told him I was trying to do that too. So we dated, knowing that neither one of us loved the other. But I wanted to see if I could fall in love with someone who I hadn't hurt over and over again. Then when he wanted something more serious, I realized that I would never love anyone but you." Kacchan looked at Izuku beseechingly, as if pleading Izuku to believe that he loves him. "Hawks was just a mistake, but you're my everything."
The bridge of the song grew louder and Izuku heard the beat quicken to the pace of his heart beat. He hated that Katsuki's twisted reasoning made him believe he had to get into a relationship with the hero in charge of his mission. It was all so messed up.
"All I want is for you to be happy, so it sucks that our feelings only seem to bring each other pain." Izuku's heart broke for Kacchan. It was a bit sad that by protecting their hearts, they didn't have a chance to show their love.
Maybe they were just two suns circling each other, never able to get too close. Izuku wouldn't have minded getting sucked into Kacchan's orbit in the past, but now he was too scared of losing himself and getting hurt again.
"Tell me how I caused you pain. I swear on All Might I won't hurt you like that again. I want to make you happy, Izuku," Kacchan said in a childlike tone. Izuku could almost see the little boy who would play heroes and watch All Might cartoons in him.
"After you broke up with Hawks, you completely cut me out of your life. We saw each other at work, but outside of that, we were strangers. I left for America because that hurt me so much. Why'd you do that if you care about me?" Izuku asked incredulously. He had spent so long telling himself Katsuki couldn't love him back that he was having a hard time believing his heartfelt confession. Kacchan hung his head and nodded dejectedly.
"I was still convinced that I had to fall out of love with you to be a better friend. I failed to do that with Hawks, so I accepted that I would never love anyone else. I distanced myself from you because I thought it was the only way to get over you. It hurt me so much, but I thought I had to do it. I felt like I didn't deserve your love, but I'm selfish enough that I wanted to keep you as my friend. I hoped that I could eventually win back your friendship once I got over you. I just ended up hurting you, huh?" Katsuki looked ashamed of himself and it made Izuku ache for what they could have if Kacchan had let go of his guilt.
It seemed like Katsuki had really not coped well with his feelings, but Izuku should have expected that. Regardless, he seemed genuine about his feelings so Izuku believed them to be true. But if he wanted to accept Kacchan's love, he wanted to be free of any doubts or misgivings.
"It sounds like you were hurting over something you didn't need to feel bad for. I want you to know that there has never been a question of you deserving my love or friendship. Both have always been yours unconditionally," Kacchan looked up at him like Izuku was an angel bestowing his choicest blessings.
"Thank you, Izuku," He said reverently, dropping a kiss on Izuku's forehead. Izuku's heart melted and he almost forgot what he was going to ask next. Soft Kacchan had that effect on him. "Do you see now how much I love you?" He shook himself out of the trance to ask the question that was bothering him the most.
"You said that you fell in love with me during our first year. But you also used to make out with Kaminari often back then. I keep thinking about our time in the hospital together after the War. Did it mean anything to you? Because I always felt like we were special to each other, and I loved you then. I find it hard to believe you did if you were kissing Kaminari that whole time?"
Katsuki looked taken aback. He floundered for a response, and Izuku had started to crawl back into his shell.
"Shit. Look, when I realized I was in love with you, it wasn't this pleasant experience. I hadn't even apologized for all the awful crap I put you through. And it was also how I realized I was gay. It was a ton of shit all at once, and you were just gone. Every day I felt like I was losing my mind over whether you were okay. So when my friends got me drunk and dared me to kiss Kaminari, I did it. And when he offered to make out whenever I got worried sick about you, I did it. The moment you were back, it all stopped. So I wasn't kissing him while I was coming to your hospital bed. That would be fucked up." Katsuki tried to reach for Izuku, but he took a step back.
"Do you have feelings for Kaminari?" Izuku tried not to sound a little insecure, but he'd always thought there could be something more between Kacchan and Kaminari. His mind flashed to the day at the club when Kaminari asked Kacchan to dance with him. "He calls you Kacchan—" Izuku whispered. It had always bothered Izuku a little, but he never made a big deal because he didn't want Katsuki to blow up and bar Izuku from using it too.
"Okay, that's a fucking reach and you know it. I only didn't stop him because I thought you'd take it the wrong way and stop too. I'm your Kacchan, nerd. Only yours." The words should have warmed Izuku's heart.
"You're avoiding the question, Katsuki," Izuku said coldly. Kacchan's eyes snapped up in alarm. He tried to grasp Izuku's wrist, but Izuku was faster in pulling back.
"I kissed Dunce Face the night that I found out you had a boyfriend!" Katsuki blurted out quickly. "I don't have feelings for him. I just needed a distraction and knew he'd be down. Jirou found us and confessed her feelings, and I started to think about if it had been you. What if there was a chance and I had been blowing it all along? I guess in the end, I basically did," Katsuki sniffled, and looked at Izuku like a kicked puppy.
"Oh Kacchan. You didn't blow your chance. I'm here, aren't I?" Izuku murmured sympathetically, "Vicente and I were in a fake relationship my agency made me get into for the tabloids. I told you everything's fake in L.A. I've never been with anyone before. I've never even wanted anyone else before." Kacchan's eyes snapped up to meet Izuku's in shock.
"That's so fucked," Katsuki barked out a crazed laugh, "I kissed Dunce Face over a fake relationship? Izuku, if I didn't love you so much, I'd Howitzer your face off right now. You don't get how much it hurt to see you with him," Katsuki sighed frustratedly. Izuku had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.
"I do know how it feels, Kacchan. It hurt me so much to see you with Hawks. For so long, I thought I would be your first love. I was by your side our whole childhood and through a war. Then I had to watch you not only date Hawks, but replace me with him. Do you remember the party where you sat on a balcony under the stars with him? What hurt the most was how easily you cast me aside and stopped being my friend. My heart hurt so much because I knew you would never love me back. I had to make myself not need you because it wasn't healthy for me." Izuku's memories of the past two years of heartbreak filled his head.
"I'm so fucking sorry, Izuku. I wish I had known. I wouldn't have put you through more pain if I could have just been showing you how much I love you. I hope you can believe that I haven't purposefully tried to hurt you since I was a dumb brat. I do wish you were my first and only, but you could be my last and forever, if you'll let me." Katsuki looked at him hopefully.
"I want to be yours, but I'm scared that all of the space we've had between us these two years will keep us apart even if we get together." Katsuki shook his head and squeezed Izuku's cheeks with one hand. He leaned forward and almost pressed his lips to Izuku's. Izuku's lips tingled but he stayed strong and yanked Kacchan back with a wisp of blackwhip. Kacchan shot Izuku a betrayed look, but Izuku continued to pout. He didn't want to give in just yet.
"What is two years in the face of forever Izuku? Maybe the space was good for us. I was a wreck without you, which is why I started seeing Hound Dog. He helped me work through all the guilt I've held onto about how I treated you and the shame from how I coped. Clearly, the guilt and shame weren't healthy for me and you said needing me wasn't healthy for you. But, do you finally know what you want?"
The lifelong gravitational pull between them finally overpowered him as Katsuki's arms encircled Izuku's waist. Izuku felt like he was floating and then when Katsuki pulled his feet back down to the ground he realized he had activated Float. Izuku looked up at Katsuki adoringly and felt his heart clench. He knew how hard sharing emotions was for Katsuki, but he had patiently bared his soul to Izuku. Katsuki had broken down every wall around his heart brick by brick and Izuku was ready to finally let go and free fall into love.