Work Text:
It’s a nice autumn day when Hatake Kakashi returned to Konohagakure. The fall leaves crunched beneath his feet as he walked towards the tall looming gates. The sounds of the bustling village reached his ears as Kakashi walked past Hagane Kotetsu and Kamizuki Izumo, who were inundated talking to Umino Iruka.
Kakashi already knew that Kotetsu and Izumo were aware of his arrival. There wasn’t a need to engage in tedious formalities as Kakashi trudged his way inside to head home as part of his usual routine.
However, he only took a few steps away from the gate when Kakashi heard someone shouting his name. Someone who, to Kakashi’s mild surprise, broke off his chat with the two other Chunin to approach him, as Umino Iruka caught up to Kakashi with a polite smile.
“Kakashi-san. It’s good to see you.” Iruka said cordially. “How are you?”
“…Fine.” Kakashi tilted his head, noticing how Kotetsu and Izumo were staring with incredulous looks of disbelief. “Is there something you want, Iruka-sensei?”
“Oh, not much.” Iruka replied, keeping his voice steady. “I heard that you were returning from your mission today…”
“…”
“Would you like to join me for Ramen Ichiraku?” Iruka asked directly to Kakashi’s blank stare.
Despite how calm Iruka appeared, the telltale signs of his unease were easy enough for Kakashi to pick up on. There was a slight twitch in Iruka’s fingertips as he stood there waiting to hear Kakashi’s response. Iruka’s polite smile kept flickering as he tried to maintain it, and the cordial demeanor reminded Kakashi of how shinobi acted during undercover missions.
However, with two nosey Chunin being an audience of too many, Kakashi decided it was best to disengage entirely. He overheard the loud boisterous screams of Maito Gai and Rock Lee before the large dust cloud blew into the area to announce their explosive arrival. Kakashi saw the moment the Iruka turned around to witness the two green beasts of Kohona nearly decimate the entrance to the gates in their ‘ultimate extreme race’, and he used Maito Gai as the perfect distraction to disappear entirely.
So, by the time the dust settled Kakashi would be long gone from the rather strange encounter.
***
After chalking up what transpired with Umino Iruka as nothing important, Kakashi continued his routine as per the norm. He reported to the Fifth Hokage, completed his missions, and returned to the apartment with the intention of doing it all over again.
Then…one day, after returning from a solo A-rank mission, Kakashi’s routine was suddenly interrupted when he noticed Umino Iruka loitering outside the apartment complex. The same Umino Iruka who was falling back on shinobi training to stakeout the area and be on the lookout for someone during his small talk with passerbys.
So, with the tactical advantage, Kakashi diverted from his path to take cover in a nearby tree. He sat on the tree branch watching Iruka wait for almost an hour.
He saw Iruka biting his lip as he kept staring at the apartment windows on the second floor.
He saw the moment Iruka fidgeted in brief indecisiveness over whatever was plaguing his mind.
However, after Iruka took half a step towards the apartment complex door, he shook his head and decided to walk off instead. He walked past the tree Kakashi hid in, unaware of the other's presence.
He left none the wiser as Kakashi saw Iruka’s disappointed frown in passing when he disappeared around the corner.
***
If it was a one time incident, Kakashi could write it off as a mere coincidence. Instead, Kakashi was perched atop a rooftop a good distance away watching as Umino Iruka yet again loitered outside the apartment complex for the fifth day in a row.
It wasn't always at the same time during the day. Sometimes Kakashi saw Iruka outside his window in the early morning, sometimes he'd noticed him waiting outside during the afternoons, or sometimes he saw Iruka walk by after his shifts at either the Academy or the Mission Desk.
Iruka was apparently making it his life's goal to continuously show up at an apartment complex he didn't live at.
However, by this point, Kakashi was done being a participant in a game he couldn't wrap his head around. He needed to get to the bottom of what's going on, which was why Kakashi pricked his thumb and made signs for the summoning jutsu. So, in the white smoke Pakkun appeared in the spot where Kakashi slammed his hand down.
“What's up boss?” Pakkun greeted with a bored drawl.
“I have a mission for you.” Kakashi pointed to where Umino Iruka was standing further away chatting with one of the Konoha civilians. “I need you to go find out why he's there—”
“Wait. Is that Iruka-sensei?” Pakkun sniffed the air. “What's he doing here?”
“That's what I'm trying to find out.”
“…Have you tried talking to him?” Pakkun grunted, gazing up at Kakashi’s blank stare.
“It's not necessary.” Kakashi replied dismissively. “Just find out what he wants.” He ordered with a tone that brooked no further arguments.
Narrowing his eyes, Pakkun silently leapt down from the roof and into the nearby alley. By the time Pakku emerged out in the open, he was walking through the streets mimicking the actions of a stereotypical dog. Kakashi watched as Pakkun trotted up to where Iruka was standing. Kakashi jumped down from the roof to get in hearing distance, and he used the alleyway as cover to hide his presence. So, Iruka would only notice the ninken who was purposefully adding noise to his footsteps as he got closer.
“Oh, hello.” Iruka greeted Pakkun.
“…”
“Do you belong to a shinobi?” Iruka asked, bending down to get a closer look at the Konoha hitai-ate Pakkun wore.
Tilting his head, Kakashi continued observing Iruka silently from afar. He didn't ask Pakkun to remove his shinobi attire for the dog cover as he didn't deem it necessary. He wanted to see what Iruka did with the information he had available.
Would he assume Pakkun was a ninken belonging to the Inuzuka clan? Would Iruka take the dog at face value? Or would he reveal his hand as to what his true intentions were?
‘What will you do?’ Kakashi thought as Iruka continued kneeling in front of Pakkun with a furrowed brow.
“…I see.” Iruka eventually muttered, his dark brown eyes lighting up with a spark of realization. “So, that's what's going on, huh?”
“…”
“Fine. Let's try this instead.” Iruka pulled out a pen and small notepad from a pouch sewn into his Chunin vest.
Leaning the pad against his knee, Iruka scribbled something on the piece of paper he tore out of the notepad. After putting the notepad and pen away, Iruka folded the paper to hand to Pakkun. A piece of paper Pakkun gently took in his mouth with a questioning look, as Iruka stood and looked briefly around the area.
“Can you do me a favor and give that to your owner?” Iruka asked.
“…”
“I'll wait for him to make the next move.” Iruka said as he nodded to Pakkun and walked off.
***
It took Kakashi two days to decide what to do with Iruka’s note. Pakkun thought Kakashi was acting dumb, and Kakashi responded by telling the ninken to mind his own business.
He didn't need his own summon to reprimand him about stuff he was already aware of.
Yet, even as Kakashi walked towards the Academy to the Mission Assignment Desk, Kakashi still didn’t know whether this was the best way to go about it. He arrived to wait in line behind the other Chunin and Jounin as they got called over to the shinobi manning the mission scrolls and paperwork. He watched with a lazy eye as the long line moved slowly towards the long rectangular desk.
Already Kakashi was mentally calculating which person would go where whenever they were called next in line. If the line moved too fast, Kakashi purposefully let some bemused Chunin and Jounin pass him, so he'd reach his target without any issues. The same target who was busy grumbling crankily with his head down, as the messy high ponytail was the first thing Kakashi saw when he walked over.
“Whatever you have, it better be written correctly.” Iruka warned, glimpsing up and scowling further when he saw who it was.
“Maa, is that anyway to greet someone, Iruka-sensei?” Kakashi asked lazily with a slouched stance. “I thought we were past all the needless hostility.”
“…I don't have time for this.” Iruka’s eyebrow twitched as he took a deep breath. “What do you want, Kakashi-san?”
Why did you pick now of all times to seek me out? Was the unspoken question that remained unsaid in the air between them.
In truth, Kakashi didn't know whether he could answer the unspoken question. The weight of Iruka’s note weighed heavily in Kakashi’s jounin vest pocket. It had Iruka’s phone number and address Kakashi memorized with a message added at the very end saying ‘Reach out whenever you're ready to talk.’
It was an invitation for Kakashi to come find Iruka on his terms.
Yet, even as Kakashi knew bombarding Iruka at work wasn't what the Chunin had in mind, the neutral territory served its purpose. It allowed Kakashi to ignore the throbbing ache that stirred up whenever he saw Iruka as of late. The public setting was much easier to let the mask slip in place where Kakashi knew he could hide a bit longer…
‘Like a coward.’ A voice sneered in the recesses of the darkness Kakashi did his best to ignore.
“Well, you see I was busy wandering this road called life,” Kakashi said airily to Iruka’s twitching eyebrow. “when a little bird told me I needed to take an unexpected detour.”
“Really? And you decided now was the best time to listen to a bird you were intentionally ignoring?”
“Eh. Life has many mysteries behind what it wants.” Kakashi pulled out some folded paperwork from inside his jounin vest. “But perhaps it's your lucky day for what it foretold.”
“…This is your mission report.” Iruka said flatly after unfolding the papers.
“Yes. It's the one Hokage-sama told me to hand in—”
“Over a week ago!” Iruka snapped, looking like a vein was about to burst from his forehead.
With a crowd forming around them, Kakashi crinkled his black eye and waited to see what Iruka was going to do next. The visible ire on Iruka’s face was something Kakashi could work with. It meant Iruka no longer held the advantage over whatever game they were playing as the ball flung back into Kakashi’s court.
However, just as Kakashi was preparing to get closer to checkmate, the tables turned when Iruka suddenly went silent. The anger flaring in his dark brown eyes vanished as quickly as one would snuff out a candle. He read the report with a strange look that left Kakashi standing there rigid and on edge.
Like he was about to face something he was ill prepared to handle.
“…Thank you for your hard work.” Iruka stamped the approval seal on Kakashi’s report. “Please make sure to submit your mission reports next time in a timely manner.”
“…Sure.” Kakashi replied, racking his brain for what could have caused Iruka’s disquiet demeanor. “Although, I'm afraid it won't be for a while.”
“Are you leaving for another mission?” Iruka asked, pinching his brow.
“Maybe.” Kakashi shrugged.
“…”
“Who knows.” Kakashi said as he walked off without another word.
***
It's three days later when Kakashi finally receives a summon to report to the Fifth Hokage. He was sitting listlessly on the bed, ignoring the phantom pain in his left eye, when the message arrived to offer a much needed distraction. A distraction Kakashi desperately latched onto enough to arrive promptly at Tsunade’s office with a lazy “yo”.
So, Kakashi could keep the demons at bay a little longer.
“Brat.” Tsunade said, leaning forward on her folded hands. “Do you remember what we discussed?”
“Yes.” Kakashi replied, noticing Shizune shaking her head in the corner.
“Really? Then why did I have the misfortune of having Umino Iruka demand a meeting to discuss your well-being?”
“Maa, you know how Iruka-sensei is. He's a mother hen by nature. He worries about everything.”
“He brought up some interesting points.” Tsunade narrowed her eyes. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”
“Nope.” Kakashi quickly replied.
“…”
“Now can I have my mission or not?” Kakashi eyed the S-rank scroll lying on Tsunade’s desk.
Facing the blank canvas head on, Kakashi refused to break beneath the pressure of Tsunade’s probing gaze. He already lasted this long barely keeping the broken pieces together, and he maintained the impassive stare to show nothing in the face of Tsunade’s displeasure.
He didn’t care what she did or didn’t know. She could peel back each one of his lies and it wouldn’t tell her a damn thing.
Kakashi was fine—
“Sakura asked how you were.” Tsunade suddenly said aloud.
“…”
“She said she hasn’t seen you around—”
“I’ve been busy.” Kakashi replied briskly, a tad too hasty based on Tsunade’s irritated scowl.
“Yes, I’m aware. It’s been brought to my attention that you’ve been the perfect role model as of late.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“I don't know. Ordinarily, I'd say yes.”
“…”
“But you tell me.” Tsunade said with a bitter smile as she wordlessly handed Kakashi the sealed mission scroll.
***
There wasn't much Kakashi needed to do to prepare for the mission. After reading the contents, he readied his weapons and prepared to leave first thing in the early morning.
There wasn't anything to really take care of in the apartment. Kakashi activated the protective wards, he had non-perishable foods, and, aside from the two pictures he set face down, there wasn't much else in the small studio space…
Except for the lone potted plant sitting on the shelf in the shaded corner by the window.
“Ah. Mr Ukki.” Kakashi walked over, wincing guiltily at the wilting leaves. “I guess we need someone to look after you.” He muttered as he carefully lifted the potted plant.
As Kakashi was securing the plant, he noticed a flash of green and black beneath the window sill. Peering down, he saw that Umino Iruka was once again walking by the apartment complex with a pensive frown.
Iruka didn't opt to loiter in front of the building again as he reluctantly continued walking by. However, what caught Kakashi’s eye was the blur of green that greeted Iruka joyously outside. A certain loud boisterous rival who provided Kakashi with a perfect opportunity he couldn't ignore, when he carefully cracked the window open to eavesdrop.
“Good afternoon Iruka-sensei! How are you on this glorious day?” Maito Gai boomed, giving Iruka his dazzling signature smile.
“Fine, Gai-san.” Iruka said politely. “What have you been up to?”
“Training!” Gai flexed his muscles. “I'm about to meet my students on the training grounds where we will demonstrate the fiery passion of our youthful flames!”
“…Safely I hope?” Iruka asked, making it sound more like a warning than a request.
“Of course!” Gai hastily reassured Iruka. “You're more than welcome to join us if you are concerned for the children's safety.”
“I can't.” Iruka shook his head. “I have a mission that takes precedence.”
“Ahh. How is that going so far?”
“It's…going.” Iruka winced. “I just didn't realize the dog was such a stubborn brat…”
“Yes. The dog is rather hard to tame.” Gai chuckled. “But still! I heard you're making some good progress.”
“…”
“So, keep at it! I'm certain he’ll warm up to you soon!” Gai clapped Iruka’s shoulder with a bright confident smile.
Once the conversation finished, Kakashi closed the window and made his way towards the training grounds. By now, his nagging suspicions were turning into facts for each step that led him closer to his destination. He held the potted plant close, and waited on the outskirts of the training ground for Gai to notice him.
Close enough that Kakashi could hear Gai’s loud exuberant voice echoing throughout the area, but far enough away that he didn't see Team Gai, who were given orders to resume training on their own.
“My eternal rival!” Gai shouted ecstatically as he ran over towards the tree Kakashi was standing under. “Have you come to finally issue a rival challenge?”
“Maybe another time.” Kakashi replied, holding out the wilted plant. “I came by to give you this—”
“Ah! Mr. Ukki! How nice to see you again!” Gai happily took the potted plant with a wide grin.
“—And to ask why you gave Umino Iruka my address.” Kakashi said without missing a beat as Gai’s smile quickly dropped.
“Ah…so you figured it out.” Gai chuckled nervously.
“It wasn't that hard to piece together.” Kakashi shrugged. “But knowing doesn't tell me why you did it.”
“Kakashi.” Gai said seriously. “You've been taking a lot of solo missions as of late.”
“…”
“Just like you did as Hound—”
“It's not the same.” Kakashi bit out, narrowing his black eye.
“Then why is Mr. Ukki dying from neglect?” Gai held up the potted plant Kakashi didn't have the courage to keep looking at.
The potted plant was a gift from Team 7. One of the few they gave him when Sakura handed him the giftwrapped plant she picked out, Naruto told Kakashi the plant’s name and the instructions to take care of it, and Sasuke hung out nearby pretending he had no part in the gift he bought.
It was one of the few things Kakashi kept in the bare apartment that he held sentimental value towards.
And yet…rather than take care of it as promised, Kakashi shoved it in the dusty corner to forget about it. Just like he put both photos face down temporarily on the shelf.
Because right now facing the truth was too hard to bear—
“Kakashi.” Gai interrupted gently. “You're not one to seek help.”
“…”
“I fear you walking this dark path alone, my friend.”
“…”
“So, it's why—”
“I'm fine.” Kakashi insisted, turning to walk away. “I'll be back in a few weeks to pick up Mr. Ukki.”
“…You have another mission.”
“…”
“Kakashi, you can’t—”
“Don't.” Kakashi said sharply. “You already meddled enough, Gai.”
“…”
“I need to do this.” Kakashi vanished in a puff of smoke formed out of his own cowardice.
***
It’s pouring rain on the day Kakashi returned from his solo S-rank mission almost three weeks later. The ground beneath his feet was muddy as he struggled to put one foot in front of the other, and it was all Kakashi could do to not laugh at the irony rubbing itself in his face.
All those things he said about teamwork and friendship were nothing but lies. Lies he tried to instill into Team 7 because he truly thought he could live up to the memory that burned painfully in his left eye.
However, as Kakashi tuned everything out, he realized none of it mattered anymore. Failure was practically in the Hatake bloodline, and here stood Hatake Kakashi as evidence of it.
He had no team, no family, and no promises left that he wouldn't break or ruin with his own two hands.
‘So, what's the point?’ Kakashi ruminated as he trudged through the pouring rain drenching his bleeding form.
‘Why bother with any of this?’ Kakashi huffed bitterly as he finally pushed his way into the apartment complex.
Climbing the stairs was a trying ordeal as the agonizing pain continued burning in his side. With every step Kakashi was certain he tore his stitches, and it was all he could do to muster up what little strength he had left to arrive at his apartment door.
However, when the key fumbled out of his bloodied hands, it was finally the last straw that left Kakashi sliding to the ground in resignation. The little fumes he had left were all but extinguished as his vision blurred around the edges, and it was at this point Kakashi closed his eyes wondering if now was finally the time to rest—
That was until Kakashi blearily saw a blurry figure approach him in the corner of his right eye.
“Kakashi-san.” Iruka carefully approached, putting his black umbrella down. “I see you returned from your mission.”
“…”
“Do you want any help?”
“Why…are you…here?” Kakashi rasped, hating how hard it was to breathe through his mask.
“…”
“Gai isn't around…”
“…”
“I'm…fine…” Kakashi sagged against the wall, closing his right eye.
For a while there was nothing but silence amidst the pouring rain pitter-pattering against the windows. Kakashi could barely detect Iruka’s presence through his chakra exhaustion, and he accepted whatever would happen from this point on.
He knew Iruka could finally drop the act with no witnesses around. He could unleash all the pent-up anger, and blame Kakashi for letting down the very kids he was assigned to protect.
Iruka could pile more onto Kakashi’s self-loathing as another thing was added onto his long list of failures.
However, when Kakashi heard the sound of his key clanging on the keyring, he opened his black eye to see Iruka kneeling in front of him. Iruka’s blurry form was holding the bloody key in his open palm, and the genuine concern visible in his eyes was enough to knock the wind out of Kakashi’s lungs, as the rain continued to come down.
“What…are you…worried about?” Kakashi tentatively asked.
“What do you think?” Iruka snorted, placing the key carefully in Kakashi’s hand.
“…I don't…know…” Kakashi coughed. “I can't…figure…you out…”
“Well, right now I want to get you off the floor.” Iruka huffed. “I'd like to get you to the hospital next…”
“…”
“…But I doubt that's going to happen.” Iruka sighed as he reached over to pull Kakashi’s arm over his shoulders.
Keeping everything in line of sight, Iruka made sure that Kakashi knew exactly what he was doing as he helped support the Jounin’s weight. There was a sharp stabbing pain piercing his side as Kakashi’s vision nearly whited out from the sudden movements.
But, after Kakashi caught his breath, he managed to shakily unlock the apartment door. He freed his arm from Iruka to use fuinjutsu to disarm the wards. He pushed against the wall, refusing Iruka’s assistance, to hobble straight towards the futon in the back of the room, where Kakashi all but collapsed on top of it.
“Wait. You can't go to sleep!” Iruka quickly turned on the lights in the small bathroom no bigger than a closet. “Where are your medical supplies?”
“Right…here…” Kakashi grunted, patting one of his vest pockets.
Running back into the main room, Iruka turned on the lights to the studio apartment to grab the worn medkit Kakashi carelessly tossed onto the bed. The moment Kakashi felt Iruka’s fingertips touch the hem of his black shirt, was the point when he quickly grabbed the Chunin’s wrist.
It took all of Kakashi’s willpower to prevent him from pulling out a kunai in self-defense. His sluggish brain was having trouble focusing on Iruka’s form, and Iruka remained completely still.
Like Iruka was already aware of the possible threat ready to kill him in an instant.
“I need to assess your injuries.” Iruka said calmly. “I promise I'm not going to do anything else.”
“I…took care of it…” Kakashi struggled to keep his eye open. “You…can leave—”
“No. Enough is enough.”
“…”
“I'm not going anywhere.” Iruka wrenched his hand free as he set to work repairing the stitches and rebandaging Kakashi’s bleeding side.
Despite Kakashi’s weak protests, he no longer had energy left to remain conscious. The whole ordeal was a blur he didn't fully register.
There were times when Kakashi swore he heard Team 7’s loud banter echoing around him in memories long gone. Times when it almost sounded like Obito was in the room cursing Kakashi out as he argued with someone over the phone, or times when he could have sworn Minato-sensei was there providing Kakashi reassurances that he'd be alright.
There were a lot of ghosts lingering in Kakashi’s presence. Ghosts who for once weren't plaguing him with nightmares or guilt as Kakashi weakly uttered out his pointless apologies—
“Sorry for what?” One of the ghosts suddenly asked out loud amidst the suffocating darkness.
“You…know…” Kakashi coughed, flinching at the warm hand feeling his forehead. “For…messin’ up…”
“…”
“I…let…everyone down…” Kakashi muttered, drifting back into the sea of unconsciousness.
***
There was a loud tapping noise that roused Kakashi from the confines of sleep. A sharp continuous clicking against the window that stopped when footsteps walked over to open it up and let the cool autumn breeze inside.
However, upon sensing the familiar chakra of Maito Gai, Kakashi settled down his fight instincts that urged him to grab the kunai hidden beneath his pillow. Instead, Kakashi took his time waking up, and he simply stared at Gai’s bright relieved smile from where he was sitting next to Kakashi’s futon.
“Ah! Eternal rival! I'm glad to see you're finally awake.” Gai exclaimed as he let the small messenger bird fly out the window with a note tied to its leg.
“Took long enough.” Kakashi yawned, grimacing at the throbbing pain radiating from his side. “How long was I out?”
“A little over three days.” Gai replied, losing some of his jovial demeanor. “Your wound got infected, and you developed a fever that broke last night.”
“Ah…that explains a lot.” Kakashi stared up at the ceiling. “…Was Iruka-sensei here?”
“Yes! He was actually. He asked me to stay while he reported to Tsunade-sama—”
“Great. It was nice knowing you.” Kakashi groaned miserably over Gai’s hearty chuckles.
Ignoring the deep-seated aches throughout his body, Kakashi slowly sat up to view all the recent changes in the studio apartment. On the shelf above his futon he saw a much healthier Mr Ukki, with bright new foliage, placed in between the two pictures that were still face down.
Across the room, Kakashi saw there was a pillow and blanket lying on the floor with stacks of paper and pens surrounding it. The small foldable table was left out with an empty mug sitting on it, and a familiar black umbrella was propped up against it—
“Wait. Iruka-sensei’s been here the whole time?” Kakashi asked in mild disbelief.
“Of course he has!” Gai said proudly. “Iruka-sensei was practically fraught with worry over your condition. He had some choice words to say when I informed him it was hardly the worst you've had.”
“Well, it's true.” Kakashi pulled up his black shirt to scrutinize the repaired stitches. “But what possessed him to stick around?”
“Why wouldn't he? You are friends are you not?”
“No. I'm certain Iruka-sensei hates me—”
“Nonsense!” Gai shouted with a sudden frown. “My rival, how can you possibly think that?”
“How can I not?”
“Kakashi. For someone so bright, you truly are quite dumb.”
“…”
“How long do you intend to keep the door closed?” Gai with a serious gaze that pierced through Kakashi’s broken mask.
If it was anyone else, Kakashi would have played it off with jokes. He would have brushed away the inquiries with deflections and lies, so ingrained in him that it became second nature for Kakashi to continue maintaining an act he's practically mastered.
But, as Kakashi saw the light shining on the picture frame facing down on the shelf, he felt all the fight drain out of him in the face of inevitable defeat. He turned away unable to face the truth personified as Maito Gai sitting before him with a sincere imploring gaze.
He felt himself being crushed by far more than exhaustion as Kakashi heard a polite knock on the apartment door.
“What if you're wrong?” Kakashi asked, feeling Gai’s warm hand clap his rigid shoulder.
“Do you think I'm wrong?” Gai asked, watching as Kakashi closed his right black eye.
“…I don't know.” Kakashi admitted honestly.
‘That's what scares me.’ He didn't have the guts to say aloud.
***
Having Umino Iruka as an unofficial roommate was…interesting to say the least. It was a unique conundrum Kakashi still tried to process as he was given strict orders by the Tsunade to rest. He wasn't used to seeing traces of Iruka scattered everywhere throughout the studio apartment as the days went by.
The kitchen cabinets and fridge were always stocked with food, the apartment was cleaner each time Kakashi woke up, and there was always a strange comfort whenever Kakashi heard the polite knock on the door.
There was, for the first time in months, something to look forward to as Kakashi slowly but surely healed.
However, like always the status quo eventually changed once again. One night turned into a bad night when Kakashi was startled awake with his left eye burning in agony.
There were red eyes still haunting him as Kakashi struggled to breathe beneath the crushing weight of his guilt. There was a sudden presence that alerted Kakashi to an intruder, when the Jounin grabbed the kunai beneath his pillow to point it at Iruka’s wary form.
“Kakashi-san? It's me.” Iruka calmly held his hands up.
“…”
“I'm going to come over, okay?” Iruka carefully walked over, keeping his movement and hands in Kakashi’s line of sight.
Once Kakashi’s black eye adjusted to the darkness, he noticed that Iruka was wearing a plain black long sleeve shirt and pants in the dim moonlight peeking through the closed curtains. Iruka’s dark brown hair had been messily pulled back in a low ponytail. His brown eyes gazed at Kakashi with concern that hurt worse than any of the phantom pains trying to strangle him alive, and it was all Kakashi could do to prevent himself from lashing out, as the kunai was still pointed towards Iruka.
“…If you're going to stab me can you at least wait until I have the medkit?” Iruka asked with a weary sigh.
“…”
“Because I really don't feel like bleeding out—”
“Why are you here?” Kakashi asked again, narrowing his black eye.
“…”
“The kids are gone.” Kakashi smiled bitterly beneath his mask. “You and everyone in Konoha know this.”
“…”
“You know I screwed up—”
“How did you screw up?” Iruka suddenly asked.
“…What do you mean?” Kakashi hissed. “You already know the damn answer—”
“Do I?” Iruka challenged, unafraid of the kunai glinting in the moonlight. “Or are you going to keep assuming shit like always.”
“It's not assuming if it's true.”
“And what is true exactly?”
“…”
“What do you think is true, when you haven't tried talking to me like a damn adult?” Iruka pointed out with a harsh laugh.
Shaking his head, Iruka suddenly leaned over to grab the nearest picture frame lying on the shelf above Kakashi’s futon. Flipping it over, Iruka’s irritation bled way to a sad smile that Kakashi felt throbbing in his own heart.
Kakashi’s hand twitched on the futon like it didn't know what it wanted to do. A part of him screamed to rip out of Iruka’s hands, while the other part sneered that he had no right to do so.
Not when Kakashi was lying here as the only Jounin-sensei with nothing left.
‘Like you deserve.’ The demons cackled while trying to tear him apart.
“…You know sometimes, it's not easy making the right decisions.” Iruka said quietly. “Sometimes you can make the right choice and still feel like shit because it means letting go of someone who's leaving you behind.”
“…I don't think you and I are the same.” Kakashi muttered, looking away from the photo of Team 7 that was yet another memory he had the burden of carrying.
“No, maybe not.” Iruka gently put the photo down on the futon. “But that doesn't mean you still don't have a job to do as a sensei—”
“To what?” Kakashi laughed, feeling hollow and empty from the guilt devouring everything in its path. “They don't need me. They moved on and left—”
“Naruto was looking for you before he left.” Iruka words stabbed through Kakashi’s aching heart. “Sakura’s wondering why you're avoiding her ever since she asked Tsunade-sama for training.”
“Maybe I've just been busy…” Kakashi muttered, shrugging halfheartedly.
“Well, get your head out of your ass and find some free time.” Iruka chided. “You still have at least one student here who wants to see you.”
“…”
“Naruto will tear Konoha apart to find you when he comes back with Jiraiya-sama.”
“…”
“…And maybe someday, you'll all be able to find Sasuke together.”
“…”
“What happens today doesn't have to define what happens going forward.” Iruka said gently as Kakashi finally dropped the kunai he was holding in a death grip.
***
“…What gave it away?” Kakashi eventually asked as Iruka was busy packing his stuff several days later.
“The mission reports.” Iruka pulled the backpack over his shoulders. “I didn’t have to decipher paragraphs of bullshit to figure out if you wrote them correctly.”
“Ah…so, what you’re saying is that you like my paragraphs of bullshit?”
“Not in the least.” Iruka snorted. “Having you do things correctly is a nightmare. Just go back to being yourself.”
“Maa, I’m always my true and honest self.” Kakashi teased. “In fact, I can show you the next time we meet up.”
“Sure, we chat over a bowl of miso tonkotsu ramen.” Iruka suggested with a tired but hopeful smile.
***
It's a bright fall day when Hatake Kakashi decided to leave the apartment complex. He took one final look around the now bare studio apartment to double-check everything before he locked up.
His let his gaze linger on the now healthy Mr. Ukki plant and the pictures of Team 7 and Team Minato as he closed the door behind him.
The cool autumn breeze made the slow leisurely walk feel nice when Kakashi arrived in front of Konoha hospital. The bright sun was shining down on his current target standing outside the building talking to Iruka, as Kakashi purposefully made his footsteps louder.
“Eh? Kakashi-sensei!” Haruno Sakura said in stunned disbelief. “What are you doing here?”
“Maa, hello to you too.” Kakashi stood with a lazy slouch. “Is it suddenly a crime to see how you’re doing?”
“Well…no…I mean…it's not like that…” Sakura grimaced, fidgeting nervously beneath Kakashi’s gaze. “It's just…I didn't think…with the team gone that is…”
“Are you on break?” Kakashi suddenly asked, ignoring the twinge of guilt that started prickling beneath his skin.
“Eh? Well…I was just about to take a quick lunch—”
“Good. Why don't we go to Ramen Ichiraku?” Kakashi crinkled his black eye. “Iruka-sensei said it’s his treat for a lunch date—”
“I did not!” Iruka sputtered.
“—So, why don't we all go and you catch me up on what Tsunade-sama’s taught you.” Kakashi suggested to a surprised Sakura.