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There were no words for the pain that came across Merlin when he found his king still awake on the late hours of what should have been his wedding day, his eyes red and a vacant expression on his face. He had seen Arthur upset before, but never like his – sobs shook his body every now and then, even if he didn’t say a word.
Merlin tried to make him eat – bath – anything, but it seemed that his words were not heard. After a while he gave up, and got ready to leave.
“Don’t leave me”
It hardly sounded like Arthur’s voice, so frail and broken – and for the first time in hours, he was looking straight at Merlin.
“If you love her that much…” he begun to say, his shoulder against the king’s, but a violent sob racked through Arthur’s body, and silenced him. Arthur’s hand had a death grip in his wrist, and the look in his eyes was hard to place.
For the first time ever, Arthur looked for some physical comfort, and Merlin pulled him close in an awkward embrace, feeling the fresh tears soaking his shirt for a few moments before they stopped.
Arthur was staring at him, his mouth half open in a mute plea.
It didn’t take long for him to find out what it was for, although it happened so fast that Merlin could not possibly have foreseen it. Arthur’s lips were on his, his hands pulling his hair, his tongue pushing its way on Merlin’s mouth.
Every touch was filled with desperation, and it was answered with the same desperation (was it wrong? Was it a dream? Was it what should always have been?). Merlin could hardly believe it was happening as Arthur’s calloused hands made their way through their bodies, uncovering, discovering, exploring. Having Arthur inside of him – being inside of Arthur – the whole thing felt like an answer to things Merlin hadn’t admitted not even to himself. It was supposed to be a relief, but it felt like reverence.
He fell asleep held safe by Arthur’s arms, for the first and last time.
(Arthur was too honorable to put his heart above Camelot's need of heirs and if he couldn't fully belong to Merlin, he rather not cheapen it with half-promises).