Chapter Text
-what would you do if i abstracted tomorrow?- Pomni asked Jax, his expression blank.
-id move on. And probably forget about you.- he let out turning her back to her.
-alright...-she said defeated turning his back to him, giving a soft sigh the gun trembling in her hands once more, holding back tears.- you win.- she let out, the taller felt relief as the other would no longer prod around to leave his walls untouched and to not pry any further on his life. He walked away, but only getting a few steps through before being hit with a loud gunshot sound. The sound of the last bullet on her revolving fleeing, he assumed she finally did it, she turned on him as anticipated. But when it wasn't followed with sharp pain in any part of his body and him losing consciousness, his eyes widened. He slowly turned looking back at the jester.
Her lifeless body laid on the floor, no hearts left on the indicator. Black blood pored out of the side of her head, gun in her hand. His eyes widened.
He really did it uh? He drove her mad just like him.
Guilt flooded his heart suffocating him, as confetti went off around him and 'WINER' flashed above him. He held onto his chest, holding back tears as he stared at his own wrong doings, the one laying like that on the cold floor should've been him, why didn't Pomni just shoot him like everyone else would?
-----
Pomni made it to the loser room, lifeless eyes laying upon the rest of the circus members, all but Zooble with cat whiskers on. Usually that sight alone would have brought a smile to her face, but she stood there, lifeless expression. She really shot herself. God it was such pain but then she reappeared here. No life flashing before her eyes, just pure blackness that lingered onto her soul. Emptiness that lingered to this vessel. Her first death and it was by no others hands then hers. She could've walked away, but she felt like hurting, she really felt the itching curiosity of death and something inside her just bent to the other's will. She understood now why Jax wanted her to shoot him, there was a thrill about dying, it really scratched something in a hurt brain.
Zooble was the first one to notice the jesters appearance.
-So he really did back-stab you?... sounds about right for Jax.- they said Pomni shaking her head, the bunny would want her to play into this and somehow she wanted to play along besides his hurtful words.
-Yeah... I should've expected it.- she said with a small chuckle Ragatha looked over at her, sad expression doused in uncertainty.- It was fun while it lasted... sorry about killing you guys.
-It's ok! I had to admit it was fun.- Gangle interjected, happy mask on, Pomni gave her a soft smile.
-Seams like we all got something out of it then.- Zooble added before seating down next to Kinger, Gangle followed, the rag doll stood infront of her, uncertaint if she should step further. She scratched the back of her head.
-hey Pomni sorry for not accepting your invite that wa- she was interrupted by Pomni going over to her hugging her. The older felt nervous, unsure how to follow up.
-it's fine.
-are you fine? I know Jax isn't- she whispered being interrupted, Pomni digging her face further into her dress hiding her tears.
-I'm fine Ragatha.- she simply said, the older did not prod any further, knowing it wasn't the full story but not wishing to come to strong yet again, she simply hugged back.
-glad you are. I'm... we are here for you if you ever need us.
-thank you.-she said hugging even tighter.
-----
Jax sat in the back of the award show, tapping his feet nervous as he stared over the other members of the circus in the very first row, his mind going back to what he drove Pomni to. Her lifeless body staring at him, knowing he had pushed her to this.
'It's her fault for trying to get close'
He convinced himself. Repeating it over and over like a mantra, pushing away the guilt of that moment, knowing he should've never let down his guard to Pomni, for letting her in on those late nights. For leading her on.
He tried not encourage her, but she found him fun, certainly not pleasant but their banter was nice.
He let out to much, he almost let his mask down and she ended up shooting herself.
'This is why you keep your distance.
So they don't end up...
Don't end up..
Fuck.'
He got up sprinting to the bathroom, running the faucet as his breath itched mind flooded with guilt the thoughts of not letting other's abstract turned to self loathing. How he should've be the one, how he deserved to be in his place. His self hatred, his jerk actions, somehow, someway had kept him safe from losing his mind. But maybe he wanted to lose it. Prehaps he wanted to go out with his friend. To be stuck in the cellar forever insane but together.
'Why did
I
ever get close to...
Why did
I
let down my front...
I should've.
It
should've
been me.
It had to be me.
Why
wasn't
it me?'
----
Pomni woke up on her bed, hands on her face, remembering the previous day. She sighed, not proud her more darker thoughts getting a win of her the last night. She wished that she hadn't done that, that she hadn't exploded on Jax that way, it was stupid to think that someone like him would actually out their true colors. She had dealt with people like him before mainly cuz...
She shook her head, knowing the bunny he'd just go back to pretending nothing happened, so she will.
-we all have our part eh... guess I'll just have to play mine... I wonder who I'll be today.... being evil doesn't feel like me... although...- she stopped seating up in her bed.
Killing herself in front of Jax was undeniably evil. She felt a chill down her spine. She didn't want to be that again. So what was she going to be?
She walked over to the mirror on her room looking at the bags under her eyes, at her avatar.
She was a jester. And if Gangle was the two faced one, if Zooble was the toy box character, if Kinger was the mad king and Ragatha was the one you beat up, well she might as well be the butt of the joke. She might...
-can't be the funny one... that's Jax's-why does it matter?... why does he matter?Why did I have to see glimpses of his true self?Why couldn't I be like the others and pretend everything's fine, that he was just an asshole?
Pomni adjusted her hair and hat before heading outside for breakfast. She walked the hall, passing by Zoobles door. She stood there for a second,lingering into the brief happiness of being Jax's partner in crime. The jester sighed and walked away.
-Hi Pomni!!- Ragatha greated from the couch, getting a smile out of the other. The girl went into the kitchen where Zooble and Gangle sat making small talk, she grabbed a coffee and went back to the couch seating next to Kinger's pillow fort.
-hey Ragatha. - she said softly, taking a sip of her coffee, silence filled the room, the rag doll stood quiet.
In walked the purple figure, smiling ear to ear but behind his eyes there was a certain sadness.
-Oh if it's not the loser couch! Do tell me how's it like sucking at everything?- he let out with a grin, the older woman grabbed at her hair, while Pomni spaced out into her coffee.
- Jaaax!!-the older screamed.
-Ah, it's like music to my ears...- he teased staring at Pomni- Tell me Pom-pom, how is it like eating metal?- he asked in a incinerating tone, trying to show he was but amused by yesterday, before Ragatha could say the youngest spoke.
-Pretty tasty actually, you should try it.- she let out mad, getting a fake chuckle from the other. The other male came from under his pillow fort.
-Great suggestion Pomni! Lead is very tasty indeed!- he let out the three simply letting his shenanigans go by.
-Don't tell me you're still pissy about yesterday's adventure?- he teased her once more before heading over to the kitchen, Ragatha was about to defend the jester, but Pomni simply shook her head and let the other head out.
-Kinger you actually have ate lead?- the rag doll asked trying to not linger on to the tension, the jester appreciated her efforts, she's really trying to be better.
-What me?- he asked turning to her- Hm I suppose I have!- he let out face happy as could be.
Sometimes oblivion was the best way to be, pretend to not see others flaws, your hurt, the complexity of being, the never ending struggle to keep it all together. Kinger would probably never abstract, he could live worry free in his madness, even if the real him was locked away in it, he was the only one with the ability to actually enjoy the circus.
-I envy him.- Pomni said staring at Kinger who had became lost in thought as he followed a butterfly. Ragatha listened closely trying to not ruin the moment.
-Is it bad I kinda envy him too?- the rag doll admited.
-I don't think so... I think he's the only one who's truly happy here.- she let out, the older nodded.
-Yeah, I belive that too.
-Ragatha- she started looking at her- Thank you for being honest with me. Please don't be afraid to, I won't abstract just cuz you're not positive all the time.- she simply said, the other smiled.
-I'll try to be better Pomni, I won't coddle you, I'll just... I'll try to be normal. I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused you
- she let out uncertain, Pomni held her hand.
-Thank you Rags-she said with a soft smile and the other simply nodded.
The jester took the coffee to his lips.
'I guess I'm the...
...
I guess I'll be the one to listen to them in here.
Yeah.
I suppose they all need someone to talk to.
Maybe it won't fit, but I will find out my role in the circus one day.'