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It was one of those nights. A night where the light was the only thing keeping him here.
Tyler stared deeply into the lit campfire. The fire burned his eyes, but he didn't dare blink. Everytime he did, that fear, that terror, enveloped him– of falling off that cliff, dropping into the bottomless pit that was sleep.
Because tonight, sleep meant nightmare.
He was sitting on the dirt, knees pulled to his chest. He wasn’t cold in the slightest. The fire was warm, a safety against the freezing chill... yet he shivered. Tremors.
They started out small, as they always did, but soon he knew they'd be racking his entire body– his body’s way of telling him that something was wrong. He knew he needed sleep. But he couldn't. Not tonight.
So he let the tremors come.
The rest of camp was still. Everyone else was sleeping peacefully in their tents. He had no way of gauging just how late it was, but he was sure he was the only one awake.
The air was dead. The only sounds were the crackle of the fire. His own ragged breath.
Hours passed. Or minutes. He could never tell, not on nights like this. Not in the dark. The only sense of time he could grasp was the fire, how it slowly burned itself down to ash.
His eyes burned. They were tired. He was tired. So tired…
Stay awake. He pleaded to himself. Don't close your eyes.
Tyler rubbed his face with clammy hands.
The fire.
Think about the fire.
The fire’s colors… Orange, yellow, red– the colors mixed and spun. There was little wind, the smoke flowing straight up into the sky. Tyler's attention flitted to the little bits of ash that rained down. Embers…
A strange part of him wanted to catch one. If he could hold the fire in the palm of his hand, would he–
“Tyler?” a voice said.
Tyler jumped slightly– his eyes snapped from the fire to the person who had just approached.
Guess he wasn’t the only one awake after all.
Faintly lit by the flickering light of the flames, was Josh.
He was wearing a heavy coat, though different from the one he wore during the day. His hood was down, revealing a mess of dark brown hair, which looked black in the night. He was just far enough away from the fire that Tyler couldn’t quite make out his face. But he could feel it, feel his somber brown eyes on Tyler’s, shadowed by the dark.
Tyler said nothing, just watched as Josh slowly walked over to him. Careful to not broach his line of personal space… he sat down beside him on the ground, just a few feet away.
Tyler's attention shifted back to the fire, and so did Josh’s. Silence found them easily.
And then, out of the corner of his vision, Josh was moving. Tyler looked over.
Josh was taking off his coat, stretching out of the long sleeves and heavy fabric, revealing a plain white shirt underneath.
He held out the coat to Tyler.
“You’re shaking,” Josh said simply.
Josh was illuminated by the fire. His face glowed, his brown eyes shown in the dark like a flame. The light reflected there was warm, kind.
Tyler’s eyes burned.
Without breaking the eye-contact, Tyler reached his trembling hands out to Josh’s.
He hesitated.
Did he deserve this?
Did he deserve to stop shaking?
Josh said nothing, eyes holding his.
The flames crackled. The night burned.
Josh radiated fire.
Tyler slowly took the coat.
Maybe… maybe just this once…
The coat was soft, feeling similar to a blanket. He wrapped it around himself like a prayer. Reverently, slow. The cloth was warm from Josh’s body. It smelled like him: like forest, like river, like earth–
Like flame.
Holding the coat tighter to his body, he breathed in Josh’s scent, one his body knew meant safety. His tremors loosened their grip on him, gentler now.
Josh was looking at him.
“I hear you sometimes,” Josh said quietly, “At night.”
They locked eyes. A soft burning.
“It can help,” Josh continued, voice soft, “To talk about it.”
Tyler tensed. Something in his chest tightened.
His mind flashed with sudden images: the horrors that he dreamed of. Terror that would wrench itself from his throat in tortured screams as he would wake, in the middle of those pitch black nights, scrambling for his flashlight, for a light to be able to see, reaching out, to pierce that darkness. Reaching for something. Anything.
Tyler couldn’t speak. What would he even say?
Josh turned back towards the fire.
“I get them too,” he said, so quiet Tyler almost thought he hadn’t spoken at all.
“About my sister, Ashley. My family,” Josh continued. Pain poured out of his voice.
Tyler felt something clawed grip his heart.
Tyler spoke, and when he did the words fell out of his mouth like rain, a storm he didn't know he felt until they thundered out of his body, near-silent.
“Mine are… are about the smearing. And Nico. And…” Tyler said, trailing off. “
Josh said nothing. He waited for Tyler to continue.
Tyler took in a deep, shaking breath.
“They're…” he tightened his grip on Josh’s coat. “They're– they’re–” but the fear was tangling in his body, unable to get out, strangling his words, his breath–
“It’s okay,” Josh said, “You’re okay.”
Josh’s words held him without touch, soothed something inside Tyler he couldn’t name. Their eyes locked together. The light of the flames danced in Josh’s brown eyes, turning them a soft amber.
Tyler wondered if fire could be that color.
Tyler’s eyes burned. They wouldn’t stop.
He looked away.
Tyler fought with the storm in his head, the tears on his face.
“What helps?” Josh asked, “Is there… can I do anything?”
Tyler couldn't look at him. He stared into the fire.
“The– The light keeps me safe,” Tyler cracked.
Breaking. More rain.
“Keeps the nightmares away,” Tyler finished.
Josh was silent for a moment, thoughtful.
“If I stayed awake, and kept the fire burning… would you sleep?” Josh asked.
Blinking tears from his face, Tyler stared at him. Looking for sincerity.
He found it in the fire dancing on his face.
“... You need sleep too,” Tyler said finally.
“I slept most of the day yesterday. I’ll be alright,” Josh said, shrugging.
“I…” Tyler trailed off. He was exhausted. And the fire was warm, and the coat was warm. Josh was warm.
Maybe… maybe just this once…
“Okay,” Tyler said.
Tyler laid his aching body down onto the cool earth. He clutched Josh’s coat around him, a blanket, his lifeline.
Just this once.
The moment Tyler closed his eyes, he was asleep.
________________
Josh knew what it was like.
When the peaceful dark brought fear, when the quiet turned violent.
Over the years his nightmares had gotten less frequent. Easier to manage. But when he was particularly stressed, they would come back in full force.
Blood, and death, and screaming, and Ashley and his family and the murders and his escape and the bishop's glory–
But on more than one occasion he would be wrenched from sleep, woken disoriented in a tangle of blankets, only to find he hadn't dreamt at all.
He would sit with heavy breath, wondering why he woke…
Only to hear Tyler, from one tent away, sobbing quietly into the dark. Prayers. Pleas. Something. Someone. Anyone. Anything–
Josh would tremble on those nights. Sitting upright, frozen in his cot.
On the louder nights he would leave his tent. Walk the few feet of distance to Tyler’s. Stand at the entrance, silent, a war within about going inside. He knew that it was a boundary he couldn't cross. No matter how desperately he wanted to, there would be no soft comfort given in the dark. It wasn’t his place.
But what could he do?
He knew that pitch-black panic.
All he wanted to do was hold him.
But instead he was forced to listen to Tyler’s agony, unable to do anything about it.
Josh didn't sleep on those nights. Not until the crying stopped.
On the night he found Tyler by the fire, Josh had dreamt about Ashley. It was a bad one. All screams and blood and knives.
He had woken with a jolt, breathing heavy, shaking and alone, to crying coming from another tent. In his half-asleep state he had scrambled for the knife he kept under his pillow, leapt to his feet, clutched the blade in trembling hands– One thought on his mind– Ashley, Ashley is in danger– Nightmare-addled and disoriented, it took him a few seconds to comprehend that he wasn't back at Dema. That Ashley wasn't here. That the crying belonged to someone else.
Tyler.
It was Tyler.
Josh took a deep, shaking breath. He slowly lowered the knife, loosened his grip.
He listened intently to Tyler’s muffled sobs, finding himself further on the edge of action than ever before.
He wanted to go to him.
Josh wanted to be held just as much as he wanted to hold.
And then he heard Tyler’s footsteps, feather-light as he left his tent.
Josh returned his knife to his pillow. He grabbed his coat, the softer one, and tugged it over his body.
He followed him into the dark.
________________
Tyler was now asleep, breath even and peaceful. He was curled up in Josh’s coat by the fire.
Josh had moved to sit right next to Tyler, unable to resist the closeness. They weren't touching. Just closeness.
Josh’s eyes wandered his face. The scar on the bridge of his nose. A mouth that held crooked teeth, lips that breathed poetry. Eyes that harbored storms, now closed, peaceful.
May the dark not take you prisoner, Josh thought. May your mind kill your dreams.
________________
Hours passed.
Josh kept his word, kept the fire burning as he had promised him.
The flames kept Josh warm enough, but the chilling night persisted, just cold enough to keep him awake. He either watched Tyler or watched the fire, thoughts drifting to those two simple things. He felt peace.
The fire crackled. The night continued.
And then he heard it.
Tyler was mumbling something.
Josh's attention snapped to his curled frame.
“Tyler?” Josh whispered.
No response.
Tyler mumbled something again, crying out in his sleep. His body was twitching, as if he was running from something in his dreams.
Josh inched closer.
“Tyler,” Josh repeated softly. He hesitated a hand over his body. Should he try to wake him?
Tyler’s body jolted, he cried out– and then his fear grew suddenly louder– Josh watched in frozen terror as Tyler’s hands crept up to his own neck… and then he was clawing at his own skin, he was screaming–
Without hesitation Josh grabbed him– the two wrestled, Tyler thrashing and scratching and screaming–
“Tyler–!” Josh pleaded, “Tyler, it's me–!”
Tyler struggled fiercer– Josh wrapped his arms around his chest, held him tight to his own– one hand on the back of his head, the other around his torso–
Tyler sobbed. He was crying, eyes now wide open, terrified–
“Josh.” Tyler gasped his name. He abruptly stopped struggling. His breath was torn, rapid and wild.
“It's me, I'm right here,” Josh said, voice trembling, “You're safe. You're safe, Tyler.”
Josh tightened his grip on Tyler's body, holding him closer. He couldn't tell if it was him or Tyler who was shaking so violently– both, he realized. And Josh could feel every tremor, every beat of Tyler's heart, frantic and racing like it wanted to escape skin, mirroring his own.
“You're safe,” Josh repeated.
Tyler cried, he couldn't stop. He buried his face in Josh's shoulder, crumbling entirely. His storm broke apart, sob after sob shaking out of his body. Josh held him. He ran fingers through his hair, rubbed shaky circles on his back, spoke soft comforts into his ear.
“You’re safe. You're okay. Everything's okay,” Josh whispered.
After some time, Tyler stopped crying. Their heartbeats gradually slowed. Tyler’s death-grip on Josh’s body relaxed, and Josh followed his lead. He loosened his hold on him and pulled back, enough to see his face, still close enough to hold.
Tyler looked frail in the faint light of the fire. Brown eyes tired, ragged.
Josh brought a shaky hand to cup Tyler's face.
“I'm here,” Josh breathed.
Tyler exhaled slowly. He leaned into Josh’s hand, Tyler’s own reaching up to hold his.
“I…” Tyler started. His fingers brushed the back of Josh’s hand, and then his attention went to–
“Your arms,” Tyler said suddenly.
Josh looked down.
Long, red scratch marks. Little beads of blood that glowed in the firelight. Josh hadn't even noticed, hadn't felt the pain at all. Even now, they barely stung. Not that it mattered. It was a pain he knew was worth feeling.
Tyler yanked himself away from Josh, breaking the contact, creating a gulf between them. He looked horrified, wide eyes brimming with tears.
“You're hurt,” Tyler said, words strangled with pain, “I hurt you.”
Josh leaned forward. He reached out his hand, touching Tyler’s face again. Tyler flinched… but he didn’t pull away.
“It's okay. I’m okay,” Josh said.
Josh gently brushed trickling tears off of Tyler’s face. Tyler sobbed. The storm wouldn’t stop.
“Josh,” Tyler begged, voice breaking into tiny pieces
Josh moved closer. Hands cupping his face, he rested his lips on Tyler’s forehead. Not a kiss, but an oath–
“I’m okay. I promise,” Josh said. He swore the words into Tyler’s body. He begged it with tears in his eyes, with a body that couldn’t stop shaking.
Tyler closed his eyes. He held onto Josh like he was the only thing keeping him here.
The night gradually became colder. The fire was dying. What was once a steady flame was now sinking into ash, returning them to darkness.
They grasped each other tighter in that dwindling light.
What else could they do?
But hold each other and wait for dawn?