Chapter Text
It wasn’t the alarm that woke Agatha that morning, but the impending sense of doom. Today was the day; her birthday. Among the usual angst of aging, unwanted recognition from friends and colleagues, and an obligatory dinner with her mother, she was particularly woeful about this milestone. She had told herself this was it. The last shot at creating the family that she and Wanda had always dreamed about.
They met early in college when Agatha’s roommate Jen brought her home from a sorority function. The two girls had stumbled in and began cooking loudly in the kitchen, waking her. She stormed so fiercely out of her room that night the door handle created a dent in the wall behind it. She raged into the kitchen already screaming at Jen for waking her when she had an 8am exam the next day before realizing there was another person in the kitchen. Wanda popped up from behind the refrigerator door eating one of her cheese sticks. Giggling, she apologized for their disturbance and offered to replace the food she had been eating. Enraged, Agatha screeched and stormed back off to her room to have a fitful night’s sleep. After that evening, as Jen continued to bring Wanda over, she would bring a bag of cheese sticks for Agatha, every now and again, as an apology for their first interaction.
Despite this act of kindness Agatha did her best to avoid them both whenever Wanda was over. Until one night when she and her friend Ralph brought over dinner for all of them. Wanda had managed to break down a few walls Agatha had built and even made her laugh as she poked fun at Jen. After that night Agatha began to look forward to each time Wanda would visit, ensuring she always looked her best. Half the time she would bring Ralph and the three of them would wreak havoc throughout their campus in one drunken escapade or another. Before she knew it she had fallen for this kind, bubbly, passionate, brilliant woman. She was surprised to find Wanda had similar feelings and they endeavored in a relationship that survived grad school and eventually led to marriage.
Their life together had been one adventure after another. They bought a small cottage near Wanda’s hometown. Agatha worked downtown as a financial advisor while Wanda was either researching or off on another expedition. They thrived in their fields as they challenged each other’s success. It was blissful, happy, and full of love, yet doomed not to last.
Wanda had disappeared almost 7 years ago now, off on another one of her archeological expeditions. She was brilliant, reckless, and passionate about her studies. It’s what drew Agatha to her in the first place. They way she would babble on and on about ancient goddesses and fertility rituals whose practices were nearly lost to time if it weren’t for the work she was doing. This time, while exploring a series of caverns, her team lost contact with her. They had sent rescue teams down immediately but were unable to locate her. It was weeks of searching before they decided to call.
“I don’t know how to tell you this Agatha…” said the voice on the other end
“SPIT IT OUT! TELL ME WHERE SHE IS!” she shouted into the receiver. Her breath heavy with tears starting to form in her eyes.
“We…we don’t know. We haven’t been able to find her body.”
“Her…body?! You don’t mean you’ve stopped looking? What are you even saying?”
“Agatha, we found her gear near a crevice. It’s too deep and tight for any of our guys to get down any further... It’s been 3 weeks. I’m so sorry.”
Wanda wasn’t even supposed to have gone on this trip. Agatha was nearly 4 months pregnant with the child they had finally decided to try for after Wanda agreed to cut back on expeditions and move into an adjunct professorship at the nearby college. Now she was faced with raising this child alone. The despair ate away at her. She had to force herself to eat for the baby. Barely able to sleep, just holding on to the last little piece of her life with Wanda. That was until her next appointment.
She knew the moment the nurse smiled at her something was off. She had excused herself, saying she needed a second opinion from the doctor. He came in, cold and distant, looking at the screen as if he was just checking emails. He sat down on the stool, turned off the monitor and turned to face her.
“I’m sorry to tell you this but we are unable to find a heartbeat and there is no movement. We need to schedule you for a DNC as soon as possible to avoid complications.” As if it was that matter of fact. As if she hadn’t just lost the last bit of love and hope she had. She didn’t react. She couldn’t in that moment. She just went through the motions, signed the papers and had the procedure without a tear in sight. She only collapsed in grief upon entering the threshold of their cottage. She must have spent a day at least just on the floor on the other side of the door, weeping silently as the grief passed over her in waves.
She would have stayed there even longer had it not been for Jen busting her door in once she heard the news. Though she would likely never admit it, Jen had saved her that day. For how much they bickered and taunted each other, at the root of it was a sisterly bond they had forged at school.
It took 2 years for her life to start to feel human again. For the grief to not hit her before dawn. She could look herself in the eyes again and not immediately begin to cry. Instead she saw the strength that these tragedies had built inside her. That was the first year she celebrated her birthday again. An all out bash, Ralph had invited everyone she had ever known, to let loose and have a moment of joy, if just for one night. In the end she wouldn’t have remembered much of it had it not been for him.
Ralph had been there for the beginning of her and Wanda’s relationship. Almost like a big, gay third wheel. He would take them to all the gay bars and drag shows, in turn they would feed and house him during grad school. He could see when they would be headed for a fight and know how to diffuse the situation and how to get them to apologize to one another when he wasn’t there to calm the tensions. He was their obvious choice as a donor when they finally decided to start trying to have kids. He had been there for all the ups and downs when they were first trying to conceive. Once Agatha had gotten pregnant he accepted a series of cruise ship contracts and was away when it all fell apart. That regret was everlasting and he was constantly trying to make it up to her.
He had helped plan and orchestrate the party, agreeing to stay; somewhat, sober to ensure things didn’t get too out of hand. He kept a watchful eye over Agatha and made sure at the end of the night she drank some water and took some medicine. He helped her to bed, tucking her in and in her drunken stupor begged him to stay. To hold her until she slept so she didn’t have to fall asleep alone. As he held her they talked about Wanda, about the life they had planned. About the baby they almost had and he just let her weep until she drifted off.
In the morning she had awoken to the smell of coffee and burned bacon with a splitting headache. Making her way down the hall she found Ralph in the kitchen with her apron on attempting to make pancakes.
“Morning Birthday girl! How you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been run over by a bus”
“5 shots of tequila and whatever else you drank will do that to you. Especially at 35!”
“Eugh, don’t remind me.”
“Can I offer you some breakfast? Perhaps a bloody mary, mimosa?”
“If I smell alcohol right now I will puke all over this table. I don’t know how I’m even alive right now.”
“How much do you remember?”
“Not a whole lot, Jen and I were singing at some point. I remember cake but I don’t remember eating cake. I definitely cried at some point but the details are fuzzy.”
“Girl, every time I turned around you were making out with another woman. I would’ve made sure you got laid but you were too far gone by 10 for that to be a good idea.” He chuckled before falling silent, a question hovering on his lips. Finally he asked, “Do you remember our conversation last night?”
“You’ll have to enlighten me.” Her face flushed with embarrassment and nausea.
“I’m only bringing it up now because you brought it up first last night and in the state you were in it felt like a confession to me. So here goes… are you serious about trying to have a kid again on your own?” She was stunned. Had she really admitted she wasn’t done trying? Hadn’t given up that hope? She sipped the now cold black coffee on the table in front of her and munched on a piece of bacon as she rolled the question around in her hungover head. At her age it wasn’t impossible but the chances lowered the longer she waited. If there was any chance at a piece of the life she had imagined, would it not be worth it in the end?
“I mean, I have thought about it. But it seems crazy, especially after everything.”
“You think about it. It’s a big decision, but if it’s something you’ve always wanted? You’re the only person I know crazy enough to do it and be a damn good mother. And you wouldn’t be alone. You have me for one, guncle Ralph, and you know Jen would be over the moon…eventually.”
“Gods, Jen would kill me for sure! The last thing she wants is to pull me out of another pit of despair.” She sat with the thought imagining the life she really wanted now. “I don’t see myself getting into another relationship… but I’ve always known I wanted children” she said with a misty smile.
“The two aren’t mutually exclusive, Agatha. There is still time, I’m here either way. At least for the next couple of months before Magic of the Seas sets sail.”
She contemplated the offer over the next month and in the end decided she deserved to find this happiness if at all possible. Over the next few years, whenever he was in town, they would plan a night - go have dinner, sing karaoke, catch a drag show that, half the time, Ralph was hosting and afterward they would go back to her place. She’d watch a movie while he jerked it in the guest bathroom and then he’d leave her to manage the rest on her own.
It was definitely different than when she and Wanda had tried. She remembered the effort she had gone through to ensure the day was perfect. Doting on Agatha, bringing her breakfast in bed. They spent the day outside, went to a concert, and had a romantic dinner out. They returned home as Ralph left, and spent most of the night locked in an intimate embrace. All these efforts proved fruitful and they quickly became pregnant.
Though she tried, she couldn’t quite recreate Wanda’s magic. She was too aware of the emptiness surrounding her. It made the endeavor too practical and clinical. She was not as lucky this go around either. The first year she made 4 attempts, none of them successful. The following year the stars aligned and she was able to successfully conceive. This however was short lived as she didn’t make it past the first trimester. Devastated, she took a step back and didn’t try again the rest of that year. Then this last year she made 6 unsuccessful attempts. Each time she saw the negative result her stomach dropped and heart ached. By the end she resigned herself to one final shot - her birthday.
Somehow all the stars aligned. The day landed within her fertile window, Ralph was able to come into town the day before, there was even a full blood moon! She knew Wanda would look to that as an affirmation from the universe that this was the time.