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The first time Uzi tried to take her own life, could barely be considered an attempt in her book. She had a studded belt, and she tightened and tightened it till she choked—Then, got cold feet, (metaphorically, she cant get cold, just overheated) and let go, dropped it.
She was ten.
The next time, she was twelve. And she was really feeling that pre-teen angst that came along with bullying and feeling isolated from her only living family. She found some metal polish in the bathroom cabinet, meant to be used externally to give Drones a fancy new shine!
Well, maybe she wanted shiny insides, huh!?
Not... not really, she just wanted to freaking posion herself. And it's not like her dad was home to care, so, she chugged it.
Yeah... she spent the next week sick to her stomach. Her dad came home to her vomiting oil (Not good) and rushed her to the nearest mechanic/hospital/whatever they call it.
They got her stomach cavity pumped, and explained some things she didn't quite understand, but felt oddly kin to, to her dad.
"Your daughter appears to be... depressed.."
She watched as her dad's face turned to horror. A horrorifed expressions she's never seen, not even when his favourite door got decommissioned, like he's just had the worst realization of his life. "Are you saying she tried to-?!"
"Yeah, best keep an eye on her... kids these days." The doctor had mumbled, and she never saw her dad switch from so... terrified? To so angry. Was he mad the doctor mumbled to him, maybe mad at her?
"Don't you dare just dismiss this as kids being- kids! My daughter! She tried to... S-She tried to... " He looked over at her in her bed, she was watching the two converse. His expression fell to sadness .
"...We're leaving." He told Uzi.
She didn't have access to the bathroom cabinets for awhile, after what would later be deemed 'the incident.'
Then when she was thirteen, she was a little better and a lot worse. She saw the school counselor (who doubled as a licensed therapist, literally the only one in town, apparently not enough mental illness going around for much business.) twice a week. Mondays and Fridays. It was... okay, the woman never offered much more than pity. So Uzi started cutting instead. And starting wearing long sleeves and everything was fineish. She could cope in her own way, thank you very much!
Fourteen, depressed. She spent basically all day in bed, her dad let her skip school alot. Or maybe he just didn't care? She didn't exactly... offer alot to care about, anyways. She wouldn't be surprised if he was tired of being her dad, she was tired of herself too.
He made an effort to stay with her the first few times she started sleeping in. Tried playing board games, card games, game boy games with her...
She'd play 'turn on your other side and see how long it took him to leave her alone'
She always won at that. And eventually, he stopped playing.
Stopped trying.
Fifteen, she thought about different ways to kill herself alot in her head, but never committed to it until sixteen. She'd day dream and night dream about the ways she'd die.
The notes she would write, the scars she'd leave behind.
The people who pushed her. The apologies she never said.
Sixteen, she tried to kill herself with a gun she made.
Sick as hell railgun, bitch.
Though that time, she played it off as a test gone wrong, and shoved her dad out of her room.
"Uzi... please, if you need to talk to me.."
"Ugh, dad! I'm not going to kill myself, robo-god! Get out of my room!" She snapped, pushing her out the door and watching it slam right as he turned to her, with eyes of concern...
He tried to be there for her... she didn't try to let him be there at all.
She was still mad about every time... ever, he made her feel abandoned. So, excuse the suicidal nearing adulthood teen for being bitchy to her dad who literally left her to die... (...yet tried to prevent it many times before.)
Then she met N.
Then, as previously in angsty fashion stated, he actually did abandon her. And she really, really thought she should think she should be dead...
But it was weird... Because now N was in her life, and despite how much shit kept happening.
Prom Hell.
Eating people.
Nearly dying again and again and, guess what? Actually witnessing people dying.
She didn't want to die.
She was surviving. And despite every effort for own oil and kin made, it was the dude who's kind literally murdered her mom that made her feel...
Alive.
Then lots of more shit happened, she gets kidnapped, her mom is back, world nearly ends... And then it was all over.
Her and Cyn were one, N and her were dating, her mom and dad were back together—kinda? No more doors, no more fear, the bullying was nearly nonexistent.
And she wanted to kill herself again. Because now Cyn was apart of her, the thing she fought till near death to destroy was part of her. And she was having panic attacks near daily, and her stupid- robo-fried brain was racked with nightmares everytime she dared to enter sleep mode.
N was there to comfort her, hold her as she cried... He was always there, in ways her dad never was, never would be. Or maybe he was at one point, amd she was so stuck drowning wallowing in her own self pity to notice.
She wants to die.
Kill her.
So. She tried to kill herself again.
It was three A.M, a school night, too. She was exhausted from yesterday, a panic attack in the bathroom was so bad a whole class heard her, so she got sent home early. And as much as N loved school, for whatever robo-geesus forsaken reason, he walked her home, made her a warm cup of synthetic oil, and tucked her into bed while she started to fucking bawl. He cuddled her, and comforted her, and stayed until she passed out.
Then she woke up due to a nightmare, this time, she died in a void. And N was still next to her... she didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve to be stuck with something like her. Neither did V, or her mom...
Her dad certainly didn't deserve anything she's put him through- well, minus the silent treatment after he literally ditched her for dead. But shit happens, he should've left her sooner.
So she crept into the bathroom. Oh so carefully, she looked at the mirror. God, she was so fucking exhausted.
Cyn seemed to stir due to her movement, but before the she-devil could utter a word, Uzi smashed the tail's head into the glass, shattering on impact. The fragments click and shatter further as they hit the ground.
Uzi looked into the shatters on the ground, holding back tears as she dropped to her knees. Atleast Cyn was, presumably, knocked out.
She just... she couldn't keep going.
Fun fact, glass is crunchy when you eat it. It's crunchy then scrapy as it slides down your throat, digging into your internal walls and poking and cutting through it all.
Fun fact, it hurts a lot less to shove it in your mouth as a Drone than a human. Even as uncomfortable as this was, to force herself to choke it back, it was also... not enough. Not nearly enough pain, not nearly as much as she's endeared before.
Not so fun fact, it would still tear up the shit out of her inside, leaving her dead in a day or two due to internal oiling combating her freaky solver virus healing. Maybe the virus would give up on her too-
"Uzi?"
She stopped, looking up very, very slowly. N stood in the doorway, staring at the girl who was just... eating a broken mirror.
"...H-Hey, no... no no, not food-"
"I'm sorry." Uzi choked out. And N shushed her as he stepped closer, his tail sweeping shards away so he could crouch down to her.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry N, it w-was stupid, I'm so dumb." Tiny pieces of glass fell from her sharp teeth as she spoke, knocking her curled up fists againest her screen until N gently took ahold of her hands, holding them against his chest, "Shh.. hey, hey buddy. It's okay, let it out..." He let her cling to him, rubbing her back. Despite her coughing up oil on his new PJs, he didn't ever consider pushing her away.
"I... think we're gonna need to take you to a doctor, bud... Uzi?" She had conked out on him, he sighed, as much as he hated disturbing her much needed rest. She also required some much needed medical attention.
He stood, carrying her with her laying in his chest. "Let's... go get you fixed up, okay?.."
No response, obviously.
So, he took her to the nearest doctor he could find... which, V happened to be certified-
And then... he waited.
It felt like no time had passed for Uzi, though.
In fact.
Uzi felt like shit when she rejoined the realm of consciousness, but like, more shit than usual type of shit.
"Hey, buddy... You feel any better?" N was the first to greet her. She looked over at him, dazed and in pain.
"...Fuck... did- did we win? I kicked ass?..." She asked, kinda assuming there was some epic battle where she got her ass handed to her.
N gulped, the drone gave a strained smile, patting her hand. "Yeah, Uz... we won."
She gave a loopy smile, too drugged up on whatever V put into her system to keep her from waking up in agony. The girl barely remembered the last week, let alone last night.
"You... feeling any better?"
"...I'm feeling freak...freakin... fucking awesome." She settled into the comfort of the bed, sighing contently, she mumbled, "I fuckin' winnn..."
"Yeahh... let's not do that again... please?" N requests with a sheepish smile, as he brushed Uzu's hair back, stroking her forehead in a soothing manner.
V stood somewhat off in the distance, leaning against the wall, next to the chair Mr. Doorman sat in.
He was hunched over, hands clasped together and head down. "...She never talks to me about these... things." He finally managed to utter.
V, blowing bubbles from her hand attachment, hummed. "I wonder why."
Khan shot her a glare, then sighed. "I just- I wish I could be there for her..."
With a hint of sympathy in her gaze, V scoffed. "You are there, you're her dad... I think, I don't know how you workers work." She took in a breath, pausing. "...But you're there, I guess... you do your best, and right now, it's best she has more than one support person. She'll talk to you... just not now." She added.
Khan knew, deep down, she was right... he's had his fair share of mistakes throughout his life, rasing Uzi, pushed her away without meaning to, but... he really felt like this was something he should be able to fix. No matter what, at the end of the day, she was his little girl...
Who tried to kill herself.
Again.
He hated that he couldn't fix this.