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Huh. That was... new. Was it new? It had to be. He'd never noticed before. Granted, he wasn't always the most observant, but surely he wouldn't have missed something like this. Not again. Right?
Hiro stood in the the entryway to their Livingroom. He'd gone straight to the fridge after kicking of his shoes and dropped his things unceremoniously on the floor. He'd been able to hear the sounds of some show playing in the Livingroom, had assumed Takaaki was still awake and would be happy to let him join in on watching whatever random drama the guy had decided to watch today. So when he caught sight of the what was actually happening in their Livingroom, he froze mid chew of last night's leftovers.
Sure, the TV was running. And yes, Takaaki was on the couch, just as he'd assumed. But, crucially, he wasn't awake. No, Takaaki had curled up on the couch and was lightly snoring. Two familiar take-out boxes stood on the table. He recognised the branding from that one place they always stopped at after a day of fishing with no catch. It was on the way, cheap and absolutely delicious. It was an established routine at this point.
Not a single fish between them? Time for Take-Out and huddling on the couch with a new episode of whatever they were watching at the time.
Had Takaaki been fishing while he'd been at work and failed to catch anything? And he'd brought food for Hiro as well? Judging by the two pairs of untouched chopsticks, he had even- Had he been waiting for him?
They had barely seen each other that day. Takaaki had the opening shift, getting up hours before Hiro had eventually pealed himself off his Futon to get ready for the day. After work Takaaki had gone and run some errands he'd been meaning to get done and when he finally got back, Hiro was already in a hurry to leave. Ice had called and asked if he could take come in early, one of her modelling jobs had moved up in time and she needed him to take over. They had only met briefly in the stairwell as Hiro half ran, half fell down the stairs. Takaaki had jumped the way and his laughter had rung in Hiro's ears all the way to work.
All day, he had been looking forward to finally get home and spend some time with his friend on the couch. It was rare for them to only see so little of each other over the course of a day.
But Takaaki was already asleep.
Usually Hiro would expect to feel at least a little selfish disappointment. But today Takaaki had gotten him his favourite take-out. He had clearly tried to wait up for him. He was laying on the couch, no blanket. As if he'd just gotten a little too comfortable and fell asleep on accident. He had waited for him.
Something fierce and sharp and almost overwhelming clenched in his chest. He could feel the tips of his ears turn red and hot. Why did he suddenly feel like crying?
Quickly, silently, he backtracked. Rewrapped yesterdays bowl of curry rice in cling film and placed it back in the fridge.
He wasn't stupid okay? This wasn't his first rodeo. It's not even the first time he feels like this for a man. It had been a whole thing a few weeks into his first semester, when he realized the way he looked at that one specific guy from class was different from the way he looked at all other guys from class.
He had his little meltdown and then quickly realized that, in the grand scheme of things, it didn't actually change anything for him. It's not like they had ever even had a proper conversation with each other before. So Hiro got over the little hang-up and decided not to think about it again.
It's not like anyone would ever even want someone like Hiro anyways. The fact that sometimes, his thoughts wandered a bit too far while masturbating was just one more point on the long list of things that were wrong with Sasaki Tsunehiro.
And yet...
Takaaki had waited for him.
What was he supposed to do with that?
Ignore it. Obviously ignore it. That wasn't even a question. He was a trainwreck happening in slow motion and would not in a million years let Takaaki know exactly how warm and cosy and cute Tsunehiro thought he looked while asleep and drooling on his own couch.
He really wanted to lay down next to him.
No. Takaaki isn't even like that. He's way to good for that, way to good for him. They were friends. Just friends. Roommates. Hell, the guy had practically kidnapped him off the street.
Yes! Of course! This wasn't a like that at all! He was just really grateful and because of that this affection felt way bigger then it actually was. He'd never had close friends like this before. He had no proper point of reference. It was just like that time he went shopping with Kozue and had convinced himself they were on a date. She had hung out with him, simply because she liked hanging out with him. There hadn't actually been any romantic intent from her side, she just didn't feel like that about guys. Thing's had just felt bigger to Hiro in the moment because he hadn't had friends in years, let alone girl friends.
His brain was just getting some wires crossed. That's all.
He'd finally found some people that seemed to actually, maybe enjoy spending time with him and he was not going to ruin this.
He was still crouching in front of their closed mini-fridge. Okay. He could do this. He could be normal about this. He could pretend to be normal.
Mind made up, he silently stepped out of the appartement again, took a deep breath and made sure to be especially noisy while re-entering.
"I'm home!"
He flicked on the light this time and held his breath while listening for noises. He only relaxed after hearing Takaaki stir awake on the couch. When had he tensed up like that? No matter. Not important. Everything was fine.
He took off his shoes, dropped his bag intentionally loud and promptly disappeared into their tiny bathroom. Was this just a pathetic attempt at delay? Sure. But Hiro was a pathetic man and if he was good at something, it was running away.
He could hear the other walk up to the kitchen, just outside the door.
"Welcome home, you hungry?" Takaaki's voice was rough from sleep and Hiro watched himself turn red all the way down his neck in the mirror.
"yEs!" Oh god why did his voice have to crack like that, what the fuck was wrong with him, he was just misinterpreting his own feelings. Everything was fine. How the fuck did his face manage to blush even harder? That's it. He's never leaving this toilet ever again. Two years in a tiny bathroom? Can't be much worse living as regular shut-in, right?
Laughter reached him through the door. "Is puberty finally hitting you? I'll make sure to prepare a bigger portion!"
Hiro burst out the bathroom "Oh fUck off! You drool in your sleep, you know that? If anyone's a baby it's you!" His voice cracked again on "fuck", completely undermining his point. Takaaki just kept laughing at him, the asshole.
At least now his flushed face was out of embarrassment and not whatever that had been before.
"Oh come on, no need to pout, I'm sorry okay?" it could have sounded like a genuine apology if it weren't for the bright, teasing, frankly beautiful smile that was still directed at him. He meant annoying. The teasing, annoying and very un-cute smirk still directed at him. Yeah. That sounded better.
"What's for dinner anyways?" He mumbled, desperate for a change of topic. The tingling, warm feeling in his chest was definitely hunger. Nothing else.
"Oh. Well.." Why did Takaaki suddenly look so shifty? Had he accidentally messed up Hiro's order and was trying to break the news to him or something?
"Well...?" he squinted up at his friend. Was he missing something?
"I uhm. I got us take-out." Okay...?
"Okay...?" What the fuck was he on about? Why was he avoiding eye contact? That was Hiro's job dammit.
"Thanks, I guess today was unlucky?" That, for some reason, made Takaaki look up at him again with confusion. "Unlucky?"
"You went fishing didn't you? No catch?"
"Oh. Uhm. Yeah. Right. No catch. Yes, That." Ooookay. He was not touching that with a ten foot pole. Instead he pushed past the Takaaki and whatever rare fit of awkwardness had befallen his friend.
Of course there was no such thing as running away with Takaaki.
Dinner was incredibly uncomfortable. Takaaki looked like a kicked puppy whenever Hiro glanced at him and Hiro was too scared to begin a conversation after having just realized his very normal, platonic feelings of friendship. A few times he opened his mouth but... How do you even start a conversation? Had anything interesting happened at work he could talk about?
"Uhm.. I uh. So I saw we finally got that shipping with the new lures Hana was talking about. She uhm... Must have been happy?"
"Yeah." Oh god. It had finally happened. Takaaki had realized what a waste of space he actually was and didn't know how to tell Hiro that he was kicking him out. Of course. He was so *stupid*. Maybe he'd even realized that Hiro was- Maybe he'd seen- Was he disgusted? Or worse. Was he trying to let him down gently? How would Takaaki even know, Tsunehiro had literally just realized that he- Had he been obvious this entire time? Who knew? Takaaki was fine with Kozue right? He wouldn't-
Suddenly Takaaki tensed up and fully turned towards him, pulling his legs up on the couch and sitting crisscross in front of him.
"Hiro." No. Nononono. This couldn't be happening.
"I didn't go fishing today." Shit. He'd gone out of his way to get Hiro's favourite fried rice. This was bad. He was being let down gently. He was being kicked out.
"There's something I wanted to- Hiro?" Oh god he was being so pathetic. Now he was crying too? Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck
"I'm s-sorry! I don't.. I'll stop. It'll go 'way. 's fine you don't have to.. I'm so sorry."
"Hiro?! What are you talking about? Stop? Stop what??" Hiro sniffled and tried looking up at his friend again. He looked concerned. Concerned and mostly confused. Confused? Did he think Hiro wouldn't be affected by this?
"I.. Aren't you kickin' me out?"
"WhAT?!" This time Takaaki was the one with the voice crack. It would have been funny, any other time.
"Why would you- Hiro why would I kick you out?" He sounded agitated. Did he want Hiro to confess?
"I-"
"No. Don't say whatever you were about to say." Hiro's mouth clicked shut.
"Hiro." There was a charge in the air, as if lightning was about to strike.
Takaaki's voice turned soft. A calm before the storm.
"I'm not kicking you out. You can stay here as long as you want." Oh.
"Oh." God he was pathetic.
"Yeah, Oh."
A sniffle. "What.. What where you going to say?" There it was again. That shifty look. But now that he looked closer... The tips of Takaaki's ears turned red. There was a slight flush all the way down is neck. And his hands started to nervously fidget with the hem of his light pink sweater. Was he embarrassed?
His eyebrows were pulled together in a frown and Hiro had to shove down the urge to smooth them over with his fingers. That wasn't appropriate guy friend behaviour. That wasn't even appropriate *people* behaviour.
"It's not... Maybe now isn't the right time." Hiro's heart clenched. But Takaaki caught the way his eyes dimmed and shifted downwards and intervened before Hiro even had the chance to keep spiralig.
"Hey, no. Don't do that. It's nothing bad. I promise! I'll tell you later, it's just- I just think now's not the right time."
"If it's nothing bad why aren't you telling me?"
That seems to take the wind out of his sails. A pained expression crossed his face, but Hiro only caught a glance before Takaaki pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and sighed. It was such an out of character display for him that Hiro felt the urge to comfort rear it's ugly head again. No. Think normal thoughts.
When Takaaki looked up again he seemed... apprehensive maybe. "No, you're right. You deserve to know. It's just..." This time, he leaned back onto his arms and looked up at the sealing in search of words. If his frustrated sigh was anything to go by, he didn't find any up there either. Hiro's eyes caught on the stretch of his neck. No. He was maintaining eyelevel. Waiting for the other to make eye contact again. And that naturally meant his eyes where in line with the other's throat. Nothing weird about that.
When had he stopped feeling anxious and panicked? Could he go back to that, please?
Takaaki's head tipped forward. He seemed more determined now.
"I mean what I said. You can stay here as long as you want." A pause.
"But I don't- You're not obligated to anything okay? Yes. I still want you to pay me back for the dept. But that's it. If- If you're uncomfortable or anything... We can work something out, okay? You don't have to stay here." Takaaki stared at him expectantly. Hiro only managed to nod.
"I just... I think you deserve to know and I swear this was not the reason I took you in, you're, first and foremost, my friend and you seemed like you were- I just didn't want to see anyone else-" The words seemed to get stuck in his throat.
"What I'm trying to say is...", a deep breath,"I like you, Hiro."
Apparently his confusion showed because "Hiro. I'm gay. I like you as a friend but also... as more then that." Oh.
"Oh."
"It's okay if you don't feel the same. I'm aware that you're kind off pretty dependant on me right now and I would never try and abuse that so I was going to tell you so you could, well. So you could leave, if that is something you wanted to do."
Hiro's brain was still stuck on the first part. And he felt a little stupid and a lot scared and maybe even a little hopeful. "Is that... Is that allowed?" His voice was very small.
Takaaki, again, looks confused. "Is that... Of course you're allowed to leave Hiro! That what I'm trying to-" he breaks off. His eyes widen and there is a strange, pained look of recognition on Takaaki's face. The urge to smooth that pain over somehow, that's something he should push down, right? Stopping himself from dropping on the couch next to Takaaki earlier had been the only logical choice. Actually laying down with him, that wasn't even one of the available options.
Right?
"Hiro-" Takaaki's voice breaks and it's a sound that cracks Hiro down to his core. There are hands cradling his face, holding him like he's something fragile. Hiro feels like they're the only thing holding him together.
It's wrong. He's wrong for it. It's just another thing on the long list of things that were wrong with Sasaki Tsunehiro. Right?
He was still looking at Takaaki, unable to look away.
"Hiro. Of course it's allowed. Sure, I'm going to cry myself to sleep because you don't feel the same, but that doesn't mean... Listen. Listen. I need you to believe me when I tell you that there is nothing, nothing wrong with being gay."
A hitched breath. "Oh."
"Yeah, Oh." Takaaki's watery smile is just as pretty as all the other kinds of smiles he'd seen on the man.
He had to close his eyes as something heavy and putrid and desperate slipped of his shoulders. His breath shuddered and he could feel tears running down his face and the hands on his face were warm like the first ray of sunlight peeking through the blinds in the morning.
"Me too." It was voiceless, like he'd forgotten that you needed to press air out of your lungs in order to make a sound.
"I- I like you too." He tried again, eyes still squeezed shut. He'd said it. It was out there. He was scared. What if-
The hands on his face pulled him forward and for one terrible moment Hiro thought that Takaaki was going to kiss him. He wasn't ready for that. He was overwhelmed and exhausted and he wasn't ready and his eyes flew open and- He was being hugged. Strong arms wrapped around his neck and shoulders. A hand found it's way in his hair and the other gripped at the fabric of his shirt and all Hiro could do was hold on for dear life. He could feel his shoulder getting damp and realized he wasn't the only one crying. He wasn't the only one crying. Why was Takaaki crying?
There was that urge again. But Takaaki said it was okay. That it wasn't wrong. That he was allowed to feel it. So maybe he could finally...
Takaaki's hair was soft under his fingers. He didn't think it was even possible for the other to get even closer but Takaaki practically melted into him and Hiro felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He felt fragile and exhausted and still so scared.
But he was surrounded by warmth and the smell of Takaaki's laundry detergent and there were fingers running through his hair and hair running through his fingers and nothing in his life had ever felt as right as this.