Chapter Text
At two o'clock in the afternoon, a slant of light escaped the slit between the sheer curtains hanging in the bay window of the fifth floor walk-up apartment of a brick brownstone in Back Bay, Boston.
A woman with long, dark hair lay in the bed positioned in front of the window. The beam of light revealed the dust floating in the air and allowed the ray to disguise itself as a sheer solid, almost like a soft, gentle, warm fabric to drape over your shoulders. When Pearl saw the streaks of sunlight, she thought about how the photons, the particles of light, travelled all the way from the sun, only to fall through this very window and onto the very woman she just slept with.
The woman's eyes were glued to her phone as she scrolled through and laughed at the reels of TikTok videos.
Strands of Pearl's chin-length bob fell over her face as she sat bent over in a chair in the corner of the room, tying her teal Vans. She blew the strawberry blonde strand of hair out of her face as she rushed to jam her foot into the old sneakers, which were almost disintegrating. A piece of canvas in the inner depths of her left shoe fell down, creating an easy way for her toes to get caught into the dangling, ratty canvas pocket. It would be nice if she could afford new shoes, especially since these ones were about to fall apart.
The woman with dark hair, Olivia, was a junior who went to Boston University. Maybe this time it would be easy, and Olivia understood that Pearl was not interested in anything more than the message she sent three hours ago asking her to come over to her Mass Ave apartment for "Some drinks and some fun."
At the time, Pearl just responded, "Okay." She was there a half-an-hour later.
Olivia studied political science and pre-law. Good for her. Even though it was well known that anyone could get into BU if they were not applying for financial aid, and, judging by her apartment and her shoe collection, she didn't receive any.
When they were together, Olivia's luscious, dark hair fell down her back in loose ringlets. She smelled like vanilla and salted caramel. All over. Every crevice of her body. Her skin was soft. Her brown eyes locked with Pearl's blue ones as Pearl waited for her to lose control. And, shortly after, as Pearl held her and hoped she would fall asleep, she just talked more, revealing far more than Pearl ever needed to hear.
And, even when Pearl passive aggressively put her shoes on to signal she wanted to leave, Olivia did not stop talking.
"And, that's why I hated third grade," she said. "Just going through an experience like that is just..."
Pearl zoned out, thinking about how her roommate Hailey would, once she got home, try to convince her to go to Lex's party. If anyone asked Pearl, she would say she didn't need to see her ex-girlfriend for one last time, but that was a lie. After graduation, they would never see each other again anyway; Lex would transform into an ever evolving social media picture on a phone screen.
"So, would you be interested in that?" Olivia asked.
"Maybe," Pearl said. Not in billions of years. Bring on heat death. "Hey, I have to go. Sorry, my parents are coming in pretty soon. For my graduation."
"But you're staying at Harvard for your masters?"
"Ph.D. Yeah," Pearl said, internally cringing for mentioning that. It felt like bragging, which she hated to do unless it was about someone else she admired.
Luckily, this was it. Pearl never went out with a girl for more than three dates. She didn't need the connection of another person like that. In her experience, it never ended well anyway, and the aching absence of Rose tortured her. But Rose was gone. No one Pearl knew had seen her since five years ago at high school graduation.
Olivia looked away from her phone, but still didn't put it down. Her eyes focused on Pearl. "Since you're doing your masters--
"Ph.D."
"Yeah, exactly. Does that mean we can hang out again?"
"Of course," Pearl said, smiling as she motioned for her to come over. Olivia sat in Pearl's lap, and Pearl kissed her, caressing her cheek. When she pulled away, Pearl rested her forehead on Olivia's. Hell would have to freeze over. This was a dopamine hit.
Minutes later, Pearl skated down Massachusetts Avenue. She rode her skateboard through Boston, over the BU bridge to Harvard Square. When she got to Cambridge, the streets and sidewalks changed from concrete and asphalt to brick and cobblestones. Old, federalist-style architecture juxtaposed with storefronts that were once indie stores but had turned into Chase Banks or clothing chains like Anthropologie overtook the landscape. When her wheels met with the cobblestones, she hopped off her skateboard until she ended up in Harvard Yard. As she flew through the Cambridge Commons, she soaked in the sun and the wind in her face. Even though she had studied physics, the fact that light could be this warm and relaxing always amazed her.
Pearl arrived at her dorm, Cabot House. Unfortunately for Pearl, Harvard had "houses" to create a sense of community, so if you ended up living on campus, you were forced to participate in the art of team building. If it was possible, she would live off campus, like Lex, but people like her, those on a scholarship, found it quite difficult, even impossible to find a place to live that close to campus that was affordable.
Four years ago, when Pearl was rejected from Princeton, she felt like her life was over. She stayed in her room crying, missed three days of school, and got a "B" on her AP Language and Literature essay on King Lear that was due that Friday. It was the first rejection she had after getting into the University of Delmarva, Northwestern, Dartmouth, and Keystone State.
But then one more acceptance came; from Harvard. They had need-based aid. And her mother worked as a cashier at Costco, and it was actually quite good pay and benefits for Panhandle Florida, but for Harvard, it meant she would receive a full scholarship.
At Harvard, Pearl hid her family's financial situation. She never tried to let anyone on to the fact that she was from Florida, or that her mother worked at Costco, and she had a restraining order against her father until quite recently. The judge struck down the extension because she was no longer a minor, and "How is someone from Delmarva going to stalk someone who lived in Cambridge, Massachusetts?"
Like planes and other forms of transport didn't exist? Ridiculous.
She walked through the foyer and to her suite. Originally, she had four roommates, but three of them had already went home or moved into apartments co-signed by their parents as they readied to start their first job. Or they were staying at a luxury hotel with their parents. Only Pearl and Hailey were left.
Since Hailey was at her pilates class, Pearl was alone. She went into her mostly packed-up room and lay on her bed. Then she opened up her phone to read a slew of text messages sent by Amethyst.
Amethyst [4:30 PM]: You've been at this Mass Ave location for a long time, bro. 🍑🍑🍑
Amethyst [4:32 PM]: Break another heart????????? 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Amethyst [5:04 PM]: is it the one with the crime author father? She's a total snack 🥨 and a total simp for you. don't understand why u don't give her the time of day ☀️
Pearl [6:00 PM] : Stop looking up my location.
Pearl [6:01 PM]: Also, judgmental much?
Amethyst [6:16 PM]: bro, you shared your location voluntarily!! You have mine, too. 📍📍📍😉
Pearl: [6:18]: I don't stalk you to see where and when you might be with someone. Like jeez.
Amethyst [6:18 PM]: AND Not judgmental. Just worried about you. 😩
Amethyst [6:23 PM]: especially since you use "jeez" like a ninety-year old nun 😇 instead of Sheeesh like everyone else born after the millennium.
Pearl [6:25 PM]: Worried? Why?
Pearl [6: 27 PM]: A LOT of people use "jeez."
Maybe, just maybe, she was also worried about herself. But, she has always been this way. How else was she supposed to be? Especially, when Rose is out there somewhere.
After minutes of ellipses, Amethyst responded.
Amethyst [6:37 PM] : You seem sad. Even though you should be, like, excited about everything that's about to happen. This is supposed to be a happy moment. And, I'm worried that's why you're...
More ellipses. Why did this feel like forever?
Pearl [6:43]: I'm what?
Amethyst [6:44]: Never mind.
I'm not sad, Pearl thought, shaking her head as she lied to herself. She stared at the ceiling. Her eyes closed, and she imagined Rose next to her, wrapping her arms around her, feeling her breath prickle the back of her neck and her heart beat in a slow, relaxed rhythm.
But Rose wasn't actually there, so Pearl opened her eyes and swallowed hard, gulping to resist crying. However, before tears could materialize, someone knocked on her door. Hailey was the only person left. Pearl sighed and said, "Come in," but didn't get up from bed.
"Hey, girl," Hailey said, appearing to force a closed-lipped smile as she leaned against the door frame. "So, there's this grad party tonight."
"Is it run by any sort of organization?" Pearl hated the secret and not-so-secret societies on campus. Lex, her ex-girlfriend, was on the Harvard Lampoon, and Pearl found their parties to be...well, a lot.
Imagine being in a room with twenty-Amethysts, only they can discuss existential philosophy. And there was way more to philosophy than Kant and Nietzsche. What were they? Juniors in high school?
"No."
"Okay, where is it?" It was at Lex's apartment, wasn't it? Was God playing a cruel trick on her? Why did she revert to that thinking? She knew better. Fate was false. She was a scientist.
"Um..."
"Is it at Lex's apartment?' Pearl nearly walked out of her own room, and it was obviously written all over her face.
"It wont be that bad!"
"Really? Wont be that bad?" Pearl said as she stood up. If I went there, I'm sure everything would go very well....I'm sure I don't try to sleep with her at all. Jeez. Why was she this fucked up? At one point in her life, she was afraid of almost any romantic interaction with another woman. Now, she craved it like she was trying to use every encounter to fill a bottomless hole in her soul.
"Pearl, if you stay in tonight and code weird black hole simulations in your room instead of going out, I'm going to like cry for you."
Well, I was just about to cry for me, but then you had to come in here and make me participate in monumental life events such as the cliche night-before-graduation party. "I wasn't just going to code black hole simulations. I was also going to code a simulation of a star in -"
"This is what I mean. It's our last real night here. After this, it's over. I'm back in Deerfield for the summer interning at some law office of my Dad's friend, and you're...well what you're doing perplexes the hell out of me."
"Well, it makes sense to me."
"But, why?"
Unlike mostly everyone, instead of working at an internship or vacationing in Europe, Pearl decided to go back to Delmarva for the summer to work at Fryman's. She had not seen Amethyst or Garnet for more than two days at a time since she moved to Florida, and she could not wait to spend time with them.
Because I get to be with almost all the people who matter most to me, and you wouldn't understand that.
"Fine, I'll go."
Lex lived in a loft in an apartment building in Cambridge by the Charles River. The only reason she could afford it was because her father was the acclaimed mystery thriller writer Raymond Curry. Although at least one new book a year with his name on it hit the shelves, he had not written anything since 2015. A team of ghost writers were used. His name was a brand.
The apartment was packed with people drinking as music played. Pearl slipped through the crowd, following Hailey to get a drink. A Dua Lupa song played as Pearl sipped a glass filled with Sauvignon Blanc and gazed across the room to make eye contact with a curvy brunette standing by the window. The brunette brushed her bangs off to the side, and then she smiled back at Pearl. Her brown eyes became a magnet to Pearl's blue ones. Her hair looked so soft. It moved and shined like silk, and Pearl wanted to run her hands through it and feel the sleek strands between her fingers.
For a second, she thought she saw Rose. In that brief moment, everything felt like it mattered again. Her heart pounded in her chest; the thump shocking her whole body. Suddenly, she wanted to both die and ascend to an otherworldly place all at once.
But the brunette was not Rose. No, she was too short. Her nose didn't look right. Pearl would recognize Rose's nose anywhere.
So Pearl gulped down at least half the wine in her glass and considered going over there to talk to her, but then brunette started walking over. Holy shit. Pearl had another swallow of her drink. Even though the brunette only looked like Rose a little bit, it was enough to send Pearl spiraling. Her breaths were short. How the hell did she get this lucky?
But, then Hailey pulled Pearl by the arm toward her. "Girl, tonight?"
"It's the night before graduation," Pearl said.
"At Lex's apartment..."
"And...?"
"That's fucked up."
"It's not fucked up.” Pearl drank her wine. Who was Hailey to be all high and mighty? The relationship between her and Lex was complicated. It was a combination of love and loneliness.
"Please, after you apparently 'broke up,' I've seen her 'visit' our apartment after 10:00 PM more times than I can count."
"Stop using air quotes and being facetious. She knows we're broken up."
"She has you in her contacts with several heart emojis next to your name."
Pearl repeated, "She knows we are broken up."
"You sure about that?"
Lex, who was talking to someone about wine near the floor-to-ceiling windows, apparently saw the brunette walking over, and made a beeline toward Pearl and Hailey. Before she made it over, Hailey smirked and said, "You know what? You really need to be clearer about your relationship status with people to avoid situations like this."
"Gee, thanks for the advice."
Lex greeted Pearl with an embrace that lasted a little too long. Her hair smelled like fruity vanilla and cinnamon, and her warm cheek rested against's Pearl's neck, prickling Pearl's skin. Lex breathed deep, like she could allow herself a sigh of relief now that Pearl was there. Her warmth engulfed Pearl. They were so close together that Pearl felt them almost become one.
But she couldn't be one with someone else. She had to be one by herself, so she stepped back after patting Lex on the back. However, Lex's palms still rested on Pearl's shoulders. Her blonde hair fell forward, covering her ears. As she smiled, a set of almost too-white teeth glowed next to her pink-stained lips. Judging by the sappy smile on her face and her reddened cheeks and eyes, Pearl knew she was drunk.
"I am so happy you came."
"Same," Pearl said. Although she wanted to say, I am only here because Hailey convinced me to come here, but I know deep down I actually came because I totally want to sleep with you. I'm an expert at compartmentalization.
"How are things?"
"Good," Pearl said, shuffling her feet as she looked down. "You?" Dear universe, this is the most awkward conversation I've ever experienced. Please let it end very soon.
"I'm doing fine. Just biding my time until I move to LA next month."
"You're moving to LA?"
"I got a writer's assistant job on a new show coming out on Hulu."
"Wow. That is amazing! Congratulations!" Pearl instinctively went in for a hug, but stopped herself and stepped back when she realized it. She positioned her arms behind her back; her left hand holding her right wrist.
Lex, who seemed disappointed, like she was forcing a smile and wanted to break, said, "Thanks. You want another drink?"
"Yeah," Pearl said, and Lex took her by the hand, leading her through the crowd of people and to the open concept kitchen counter.
The loft was on the Charles River, and, in the background, out the floor-to-ceiling windows, the Boston skyline glittered in the darkness. Lex wore a crop top and high-wasted baggy jeans. Pearl tried to make sure it was not obvious that she was taking peeks at Lex's body. Lex handed her a glass of white wine, and, as Lex explained the type and quality of the wine, Pearl just nodded along and parroted the wine knowledge she had memorized to fit in with Lex's world; because her mother and grandmother both drank wine out of a box, and anything that was not branded Franzia was out of her realm. And, despite Pearl becoming adept at pretending she was one of them, deep down, she knew she wasn't, and Lex could sense that. Her approach was gentle compared to the others. Her comments to Pearl's ignorance in both the pop culture and the proclivities of the one-percent lacked an arrogance that others reveled in.
But, when it came down to it, Pearl still knew more about quantum physics and cosmology than anyone else in the room.
"I'm really happy I got to see you before I left..." Lex said. Pearl drank her wine to fill the awkward silence. Then, Lex added, "What are your plans this summer? Research assistant or internship or--"
"I'm actually just going to take it easy. You know?"
"So, you're staying here or going back to Florida?"
"I'm not staying here," Pearl shook her head. "And there's no fucking way I'm stepping into Florida any time soon."
"Don't blame you."
"I'm actually going to Delmarva."
"Delmarva? Really? Oh, my God, there are way better places to spend your summer. Like The Cape, The Hamptons, or Malibu." Lex's mask of gentle acceptance slipped. "You could always come and stay with me or I can ask my Dad if one of our houses are--"
"I'm staying with my friends. Ones from before we moved to Florida."
"Oh, I see." Lex breathed in deep, almost sighing. Her lips pursed. "Your friend Amethyst?"
"Yeah, with her and my friend Garnet." Was she jealous?
"She's fun."
Pearl could tell Lex was trying to not roll her eyes. "Look," Pearl said. "I'm---"
But then fate, the universe, or God, or entropy, or, if not entropy, then whatever particles and waves were controlling space and time, changed everything. One of Lex's douchebag friends, Brenner Walsh, interrupted their conversation. He said, "White wine!? Fuck that!" Brenner Walsh wore a Vineyard Vines collared shirt and sunglasses, even though it was nighttime and they were inside. On his wrist a Grand Seiko watch glimmered in the low lights in the loft. "Pearl, Cabernet Sauvignon is where it's at."
His parents owned a vineyard in Napa Valley. They lived down the street from Nancy Pelosi, and, when Congress wasn't in session, had her over for dinner parties. He already had a job lined up at a hedge fund, thanks to his parents' connections.
"Slay!" a petite brunette woman who hung on Brenner's arm said. "Like, seriously, try this and you'll never want to drink white wine again."
"This is my girlfriend, Devon," Brenner said.
"Pearl," Pearl said.
"Devon Fournier," she said her last name like a song everyone knew. Like the fucking YMCA. Most people have or will have owned a Fournier car at some point in their lives.
Devon gracefully stumbled toward the counter, grabbed already uncorked bottle of red wine and aerated it. "Try this," she said, handing the now-poured glass to Pearl. "It will change your life."
Normally, Pearl didn't drink red wine because it gave her a headache, but she decided to force herself to try it. It ended up being quite delicious, and she smiled. "I think you did just change my life."
Because, holy shit, this was Wes Fournier's sister. And, there was a chance Wes, being an ex-boyfriend of Rose, knew where she was living.
"So, what are your plans for after graduating?" Brenner asked.
"I'm getting my Ph.D. at Harvard" Pearl said. "Staying here."
"That is so awesome! What are you studying?" Devon asked.
"How entropy works in black holes, string theory, and the ultimate fate of the universe."
"Ultimate fate of the universe? That's like really cool."
"I guess," Pearl said. She had to think of a natural way for this conversation to lead her to answers about Rose.
"So, how does it end?" Devon asked.
"How does what end?"
Devon laughed. "The universe. How does it end?"
"We're not sure," Pearl said. "It might be infinite. A lot depends on what the actual shape of the universe is, which we don't know. It might end with heat death, meaning the gas available for stars will be exhausted. The stars will die, but without more gas, more stars cannot be made. So, without stars, the universe reaches its minimum temperature and everything is --"
"Frozen?" Brenner asked.
"Pretty much. That's the most probable theory. Oh! And then there's also the Big Rip theory. Where dark energy basically reaches an acceleration so unimaginably fast that it literally rips the universe to shreds. Another theory is that the universe could collapse into itself." Pearl mimed crumpling a piece of paper with her hands. "Kind of like crumpling a piece of paper into a ball until it's nothing. But then there's my favorite--"
"The Big Bounce," Lex said, crossing her arms as she drank from her now-red glass of wine. "That's her favorite."
"What's that?" Devon asked.
"It's kind of like the collapse theory, the Big Crunch, but this would involve the universe expanding to a point where it could not anymore. Then it would collapse, but instead of the universe ceasing to exist like in heat death, it would create a new version of itself, another Big Bang. Like another chance at everything." Pearl could sense she may have been moving her hands around too enthusiastically as she nerded-out about making the information comprehendible for someone with only basic physics knowledge.
"Oh, like that episode of Futurama!" Brenner said.
"Yeah, like that," Pearl said slowly, having a slight familiarity with the reference. People had told her she would love it because of the science involved, but she thought it was a waste of time. "Anyway, enough existential dread. Devon, where are you from?"
"Me, oh, I'm a junior at Princeton," Devon said. "It's kind of a family tradition to go there...well except my brother, Wes. He got kicked out of Exeter his senior year and then dropped out of college like two years later because he invested money he inherited from our grandfather in Tesla. The stock like mooned. My dad was so pissed."
"Definitely, makes sense for him to be pissed," Pearl said, a bit too quickly as she tried to move the conversation forward. "What does he do now?"
Why did she have to be so awkward?
Devon sighed. "Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Last I heard he was blowing his money in the Mediterranean, renting yachts, going to electronic music festivals, gambling...other stuff. He's probably doing a lot of molly with some old girlfriend he said he was hooking up with again. He's such a dumbass." She turned to Brenner. "It's Rose, you know? The same one who got him expelled from Exeter for pressuring him to do coke."
Pearl wanted to throw up in her mouth. She gulped, shaking, holding in her tears. Rose was with Wes? In the Mediterranean? Doing drugs again? What if she OD'd and died? What if she marries Wes and they have kids and are deeply in love and she never thinks about Pearl ever again? She couldn't stand it anymore. Instead of making up an excuse, she walked away, mid-conversation, and weaved through the crowd to the door, leaving the party. As she descended the stairs, she thought about next steps, but needed a place to think. She needed to be alone. She didn't want anyone she knew to see her.
On her way out, in the hallway, she felt a warm hand on her shoulder, and her heart accelerated, like it was going to shatter. Who was behind her? She flinched and she almost jumped to the side, gasping.
"Woah, oh my God, I'm so sorry," Lex said. "I forgot you get freaked out when people tap you on the shoulder from behind. Or, like, when they accidentally sneak up on you when your head is down because you're reading."
Pearl took a breath and gulped, trying to relieve the lump in her throat. She knew tears were about to flood her eyes. "It's okay," she said, almost whispering.
"You just walked off in the middle of that conversation. Are you okay?" Lex asked.
"Um, yeah," Pearl said, and looked down at the ground. Don't cry. You always cry. Don't cry, she repeated to herself.
"Can I give you a hug?" Lex asked. "It seems like you need one."
With a slight whimper she said, "Yes," and felt Lex's arms around her. She buried her face into Lex's neck, dampening her sultry, salty skin. The vanilla scent of her body sent Pearl's head spinning. She closed her eyes and pretended she was not about to graduate and that Rose had moved on with Wes of all people; that heat death of the universe happened and time stopped.
This was what she hated about relationships. It was like her backbone disappeared and all the resilience and principles she ever had went out the window. She never wanted to upset someone again. She wanted everyone to like her, and it was exhausting. It was easier to just ignore and pretend and avoid, and never get involved in the first place. It was why she preferred hooking up.
But, it was nice to have someone worry about her.
Lex's warm palm rested on Pearl's left cheek and guided her head so their faces were inches away from each other, looking into each other's eyes. Lex's green-blue eyes were worried, yet comforting. Without saying a word, Pearl slowly leaned forward, to kiss her, and Lex reciprocated.
In a matter of seconds, Pearl had Lex against the wall in the hallway. She made Pearl feel solace; something Pearl had lost since they broke up. It still didn't make the hole in her heart feel full, but it was better than a random hookup. To keep herself from bawling, Pearl kept kissing her, and put her thigh between Lex's legs. During a pause for breath, Lex pulled away.
She glanced at Pearl, and, with her thumb, rubbed underneath Pearl's eye, wiping away a tear. She said, "It's okay."
But it wasn't. Rose was gone, and Pearl hated herself for holding on. How could she so badly want to connect with someone, yet be completely afraid of them at the same time?
"Let's go to my room?" she said it like it was both a statement and a question, and Pearl nodded, obeying and following as Lex led her back up the stairs to her apartment.
Back inside, as Lex poured red wine into the plastic wine glasses on the kitchen counter, Pearl stared at the shiny artificial cup. Once, she was suspended from high school for protesting single-use plastics, but, here she was now, so disillusioned over something she previously cared so much about. Why did she let something as ridiculous as plastic divide her and Rose? Why didn't she accept Rose's help? Why did they have to get into that fight? If Pearl had to say what the most valuable thing she learned at Harvard, she would say that asking for help was how everyone becomes successful. She gulped down her wine, and poured another glass. This was why she studied space. At this point there was no point because no one cared. She found space to be more hopeful. The human race hadn't tainted it yet. Keyword being "yet."
She followed to Lex's room. On the way, Lex grabbed another bottle of wine from a table. She motioned for Pearl to follow her up the stairs, which led to her bedroom door. After unlocking it, she put her hand on Pearl's back and guided her into the room.
Despite being dark, nothing had changed. It smelled the same, like incense and vanilla. Her bedspread was still sage, and she still had a Booksmart movie poster framed above her bed. Like always, a pile of clothes littered the space in front of her walk-in closet. A yellow line of light glimmered under the door. Muted music boomed through the walls. The lavender curtains were open, allowing the artificial glow of the Boston skyline to pour in to create enough light for her to see Lex's face.
The faint sounds of music and laughing and conversations filled the silence until Pearl leaned in and kissed her again. Pushed up against her until Lex's back was on the the bed and Pearl was on top of her. The wine made Pearl feel a bit dizzy. She probably had enough glasses to fill almost two bottles. "Can I take your shirt off?" she asked.
She asked for permission until there was nothing, and then she kissed down Lex's body.
Later, before they fell asleep, Lex lay in her arms. She whispered, "Pearl, why do you do this to me?"
"Do what?"
"Run away."
"How could I be running away when I'm here now?"
"But you wont be tomorrow? Will you?" Pearl did not answer. A kiss warmed her shoulder. When Lex pulled away, she nestled her face into Pearl's neck, and mumbled, "Sometimes I think you like studying space because it's so far away. The unobtainable cannot disappoint you"
"I'm not afraid of being disappointed." She had been disappointed many times in her life. But then she slipped, revealing her facade. She didn't know if it was the wine or the deep, hollow aching in her chest as she imagined Rose on a yacht with Wes. "I miss her, and I never want to miss someone ever again."
"Who is her?"
Pearl never answered and fell asleep.
The next morning, Pearl's alarm went off at 7:00 AM. She was in Lex's bed, and, as she covered her face with her hands, she knew she had made a mistake. She couldn't stay with Lex. Lex was moving to LA, and working on a TV show. After summer break in Delmarva, Pearl was staying in Boston. A jolt of intense energy hit her once she realized she needed to get to graduation, but didn't have time to go back to her dorm. She texted Hailey to bring her cap and gown for her. Then, she got dressed and left the bedroom. Lex was in the kitchen, already ready for graduation in a light yellow dress.
"Morning," Lex said, not looking at Pearl.
"Morning," Pearl said.
"Tea?"
"Yeah."
Lex made tea in silence. As she waited for the water to boil, she glanced down at Pearl's graduation-of-shame outfit. "You can't wear what you wore last night."
"It's fine."
"Your mom is going to be upset if you look like shit. Imagine what the pictures will look like."
"I don't care what the pictures look like,"Pearl said, almost snapping.
"She does." Lex quietly went into the other room and emerged with a blue dress with a pink floral design. "Wear this if you like." She hung it on the back of one of the kitchen island stools, and went to the door to grab her purse. "I'm going to go now. Don't worry about returning the dress."
Pearl showered, put on the dress, and left Lex's apartment for the last time.
In Harvard Yard, Pearl sat in a fold up chair, wearing her cap and gown retrieved for her by Hailey. Her magna cum laude gold cords hung around her shoulders. It was shady, but windy. Pearl loved how sunny yet cool it could get in Massachusetts when there was a breeze. The speaker, an activist, spoke. Names were called. She watched Lex shake the college chancellor's hand as a camera flash illuminated the stage. Maybe they would see each other again. Maybe the universe predetermined it. But, no sane scientist believed fate was real.
Why did she have to think about that for anyone she ever met? Even her dad, but only if he were different, and that would never happen
When Pearl went up to get her own diploma, the whole experience felt surreal like she should appreciate this moment more. As she shook the chancellor's hand and they took her picture, she saw her mother in the crowd. A smile lit up her mother's face, but she was also clearly crying. It was the first time Pearl had seen her mother cry tears of happiness. And, of course, now she wanted to cry, too. Because, thank God, she came to her senses and left him.
As she walked down stage's stairs, her eyes found Lex's in the crowd. Lex looked away and started a conversation with the person next to her, whispering with a giggle. Like heat death, or the Big Freeze, perhaps all energy in their relationship was gone. They reached maximum entropy. Any semblance of hope had deteriorated into a photon floating in the nothingness of space with nowhere to go. Time stopped for them. For certain, it was over; nothing.
She went back to her seat, sat down as the remainder of the names were called, and deleted Lex's number from her phone.
In deep thought, she wondered why she did not feel this way about Rose; like there was more energy left in their relationship. Even though Rose was "missing" to her, perhaps she could possibly find her. Despite the rumor about Wes, they still had entropy. She could feel it.