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Yuri shoves her hand in the sand, grabs a handful and lifts it to the sky. She watches it slipping through the cracks between her fingers, sparkling as it floats down. She feels the sand lose volume inside her fist until there's none left.
She sticks her hand in again and repeats. It's warm.
Yuri won't look up. She refuses to escape what she's busying herself with. She knows what her gaze will graze. It will be of great inconvenience.
But Yuri's resolve is weakening by the minute, so she halts her futile distraction and lets herself see what she's been avoiding.
Monika has a wide smile on her face. Her body is halfway submerged in the water. She's laughing fondly at Sayori and Natsuki splashing each other not far away. Sayori probably started it, Natsuki is easy to rile up. Yuri's heart clenches.
Monika turns and catches her in the act, of course. She always seems to sense whenever Yuri's fallen into the deep pit of unrequited affection. Her smile grows soft. Even from a distance, it shines brighter than the sun behind her. It makes Yuri want to stand up and go talk to her, but she won't. She's never been brave enough.
Monika waves at her. Yuri raises a shy hand in return. Then, the moment's over, and she wants nothing more than to pack her stuff and go home.
Yuri, because her eyes are intent on not obeying her, her impulses dragging her wherever, lets herself look lower. She bites her lip. Her eyes slip down to the hair cascading down Monika's back. It's silky. She let it down from the ponytail. Yuri imagines it's soft to the touch. If she were to grasp it... squishy, sticking through the gaps in her fist... she would let it go slowly, and watch it return to its perfect form. Monika's infuriatingly enticing hair would look a bit more frizzled. Yuri would still be fascinated with it.
She often thinks about asking Monika to let her braid her hair at group sleepovers. Especially when they're the last ones awake. She contemplates how it would go.
Would they strike a peaceful, hushed conversation, and talk about anything and everything that came to mind? Would they sit silently, broken only by Sayori's snores from beside them? Or, perhaps, Yuri wouldn't notice how little or how many words would be exchanged. She would be focused on the task. Every once in a while, her fingers would kiss Monika's back. They would leave faint touches on her spine. When they would reach the small of her back, Monika's breath would audibly hitch. Maybe, Yuri would not so accidentally rest a hand on Monika's hip. Then Monika would turn around and-
Yuri's mind is already getting ahead of itself, and she hasn't even passed the topic of Monika's hair.
Monika is wearing a white one-piece swimsuit. It fits her snugly and does everything to accentuate her figure. The design is detailed, with patterns of light gold streaks showing the curves of her body. Yuri can't comprehend what it would be like to see the front of it for more than a few seconds. To see it up close. She almost did when they were getting ready. It was a dangerous line to walk.
Yuri is aware that letting her thoughts run around in circles screaming about Monika is far from productive. No matter how hard she digs her nails into her futon at night she'll never get to hold Monika, she will never smile back at her with love. It feels like grieving. Like she's already lost a relationship with Monika when it hasn't even happened. It never will. No one like Monika would ever love someone like her.
Yuri falls back, shoulder blades digging into the sand through Natsuki's Madoka Magica blanket. She closes her eyes. For a moment, she imagines what it would be like to actually be with Monika. She keeps making sure. She keeps reminding herself that maybe this isn't what she wants; Monika is an extrovert, and she has lots of friends. Yuri hates attention and she hates when people look at her, and it would suck if she was Monika's girlfriend. They wouldn't leave her alone, would they? But again, Monika is wonderful, she always looks at her to make sure she's alright, she always pretends she's tired and wants to go home when she doesn't, but Yuri does. She notices and takes care of her even when Yuri is convincing her to enjoy herself instead. Fuck. She'd be an amazing girlfriend. Dating Monika would be wonderful, and that boils the blood in Yuri's veins.
"Hey, are you okay?"
Yuri's eyes fly open as she flinches violently. She swears her entire soul just fled from her body.
Monika chuckles. "Sorry." From this angle, she looks almost ethereal, looming over her. The light looks like it's radiating from her. She smiles.
"No, no- I- It's fine." Yuri sits up hurriedly, squeezing a lock of her hair mechanically to ground herself. "I'm fine. I was resting."
"Yeah. Taking a nap in the sun is nice, isn't it?" Monika sits down next to her, on the edge of the blanket. Yuri makes more space for her, partially to stop herself from brushing her knee against hers. Monika moves closer, right next to Yuri again.
Yuri almost got lost in her racing thoughts. "Oh- Yes. It's just... so warm." She is being a freak. She is being such a freak. What does she say? It's like her brain has fallen apart. "I feel drowsy."
"Why not come with me in the water than sit out here all on your own?" Monika's face is right next to hers, turned towards her. Her light freckles and brown eyelashes look golden in the sunlight. "I promise I won't splash you."
"Peaceful." You're beautiful. "It's peaceful here." I was scared of what I would do and say if I went after you. "And I don't want to get my hair wet." What if you looked at me like this and I kissed you in front of everyone? Yuri wishes she could shake her head to clear her mind right now.
"You don't have to go in deep, it's alright." Monika's smile is lopsided, almost a smirk.
"Uh..." Yuri doesn't have any other acceptable excuses. "Okay, I'll go in with you."
Monika's face somehow beams brighter. She stands up and offers a hand to Yuri, and somehow it feels more serious than it should. Somehow, it feels meaningful. Like Yuri could write 10 separate poems about it in her head.
She grasps Monika's hand and lets herself get pulled up.
Monika doesn't let go of her, squeezing her palm against hers and dragging her to the calm waves. Yuri gasps when she feels the cold water brush against her toes.
Monika laughs. "Not so warm anymore, huh?"
Yuri's sure her face is burning up in contrast. "It is cold."
"Come on, you'll get used to it." Monika's hand slides up to her wrist. Yuri fantasizes about it making a mark forever so she can wear Monika's firm grip as a bracelet. Is that crazy?
Whenever she goes swimming, she takes it slow and gradually walks in, getting used to the sensation. But something in Monika's gaze makes her feel like she could do anything right now. Yuri feels the ends of her mouth quirk up. "Okay."