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The rest of the day had been fairly uneventful after the whole siren conversation in the afternoon. For that Eurylochus was thankful. He missed the days when monsters and gods were mere parts of the bardic tales of other heroes' journeys and not everyday encounters of his own life. He wasn't even a hero! Just a simple man trying to get home to his wife. Those encounters were all a thing of the past though. Odysseus had gathered intel from the sirens on how to avoid the sea god so they might return home quickly and safely. Once back upon safe and familiar shores they would give sacrifices to the sea god that would hopefully appease him. Just to be safe Eurylochus already had plans to never set foot on a ship again. At least, never on a ship with Odysseus as the captain.
These were the thoughts that occupied his mind as he found himself engaging in an awkward one-sided conversation with Perimedes, who had the first shift for night watch. Perimedes had never been the most cheerful man but something had changed in him with Elpenor's death. Eurylochus had hoped he could get to the bottom of the issue by having a talk with Perimedes. He had not counted on the fact that you can't make someone who doesn't want to talk talk. The most Perimedes would give him was the occasional grunt and glaring side-eye as he rambled on about the virtues of leaning on others for support in difficult times. Not for the first time, Eurylochus found himself wishing Odysseus was the one giving this talk instead. Odysseus was the polytropos not him.
Normally Odysseus would be the one giving this talk, but something had occurred during the siren slaughter that had consumed his thoughts and made him distance himself from the crew even more than normal. The teasing Eurylochus had expected from the earlier siren conversation had never come as Odysseus had eventually retreated to his private cabin. Eurylochus had left him alone. He was still too afraid of the talk they needed to have about the wind bag. The uncomfortable sensation of being stared at snapped Eurylochus out of his wandering thoughts. He realized Perimedes was now staring at him with a concerned frown on his face. Eurylochus felt a flood of embarrassment as he realized he had gotten so wrapped up in his thoughts that he had stopped talking to Perimedes and had been just been staring out at the sea.
With that realization Eurylochus gave up on any hope of salvaging his pitiful pep talk. Instead he straightened up, bid Perimedes an awkward good night, and headed below deck to sleep. Tomorrow, tomorrow would be a better day for having all the serious talks he needed to have with Perimedes and Odysseus. He immediately ran into the back of a massive man. There was only one crewmate it could be, Iason. Eurylochus watched as the mountain of a man flailed in a panic for a few seconds before quickly turning to face him with a fake grin plastered on his face.
"EURYLOCHUS!" Iason shouted as he spread his arms out, "What are you doing here?!"
The headache from earlier in the day was returning full force. Eurylochus was sure that the dimwitted man thought he was being subtle, but even his hulking frame couldn't block out the sounds of people scrambling around behind him. Eurylochus ignored him and instead attempted to peer under the gap between Iason's arm and side in order catch a glimpse of what the man was trying to hide. Iason quickly moved to block Eurylochus's view. A bead of sweat dripped down Iason's face as his smile grew more desperate, "I... uh... I left.. or no, you-"
Eurylochus had no patience left with which to listen to whatever terrible lie Iason was trying to string together. He bodychecked Iason out of the way, ignoring the shout the man gave as he fell to the floor. The crew were huddled together over something or... someone? Eurylochus really hoped they weren't trying to form another wrestling match between Castor and Borus. The last thing they needed was for a repeat of the last time they had "wrestled". Eurylochus was pretty sure biting a chunk out of your opponent's ear wasn't a valid wrestling move. He stomped forward and watched, with a small bit of pride, as they all backed away from... a pile of papers?
A few moments of confused silence passed by as Eurylochus tried to process the sight in front of him. No one stopped him as he walked forward and picked up the first piece of paper in reach. The front featured a crudely drawn naked woman with small breasts and big thighs that featured a scar on one thigh. Eurylochus flipped the paper and found it held part of an old battle plan of Odysseus's given the handwriting. The next paper again featured a naked woman. Though this one had bigger breasts along with bigger thighs that featured a similar scar on one thigh like the last. Again the back showed this paper had originally been battle plans of some kind. A theme rapidly set in as Eurylochus picked up the papers. A naked woman was drawn on each one. The size of her breasts, ass, and thighs varied while the thigh scar remained a constant. They were all drawn on the back of Odysseus's battle plans from Troy, Eurylochus noted with a wince.
Just as Eurylochus had resigned himself to chewing out his men for using Odysseus's battle plans to draw porn he picked up the last paper. The artist of this piece had clearly drawn a man and hastily slapped some breasts on him. A man that looked a lot like Odysseus given the thigh scar. The thigh scar... Eurylochus shuffled back through the other papers to confirm the new horrifying thought that had appeared. Whatever expression had overtaken his face appeared to be enough for the gathered crew to know the realization he had had.
"You can't throw us overbroad!" piped up one man hidden behind his crewmates. The incredulous look Eurylochus shot in the direction of the voice appeared to be misinterpreted as intent to do just that because the man hastily added, "This has nothing to do with your wife!"
The first man's bravery, or stupidity, Eurylochus was heavily leaning towards seeing it as stupidity, inspired another to add, "We may have gotten a little carried away in debating what Odysseus would look like as a girl,"
Eurylochus held up the thick stack of papers and shook them, "A little?!"
"Gelon started it,"
"Telys basically forced me to-"
"Aren't you always complaining about how we should bond and-"
"I didn't draw shit so I shouldn't be-"
"ENOUGH!" For what felt like the thousandth time that day Eurylochus shut down the growing cacophony of the crew trying to talk all at once by shouting. He set the papers back down on the ground before sweeping his stern gaze over the gathered men and ordering them, "Stay here, don't touch anything. Odysseus will decide what to do with all of you and your insanity when I return with him,"
With that Eurylochus turned and walked back upstairs. He ignored the questioning look from Perimedes as he strode toward the end of the ship with Odysseus's cabin. He knocked on the cabin door and waited for a few seconds. When he received no response he opened the door and tentatively called out, "Captain?"
He watched as Odysseus stilled and looked towards him. Odysseus appeared to have been pacing his cabin again. A habit he had developed during the war when he was thinking over serious matters. It appeared that he had been so caught up in his head that hadn't heard Eurylochus's knocking. Once Odysseus realized who had entered his cabin he relaxed a little and asked, "What do you need Eurylochus?"
"Your attention is required downstairs. I'm honestly not even sure how to describe the insanity that's overtaken the men. It would just be better if you saw it for yourself," he replied. Odysseus looked like he wanted to ask questions so Eurylochus turned and began the journey back downstairs. He heard Odysseus move to follow him.
Eurylochus didn't stop moving until he was back in front of that awful pile of papers. He stooped down and scooped them up. As he scanned the room he was pleased to see none of the crew had tried to leave while he was gone. Though some of them did look like they were desperately trying to become one with the sides of the ship. It didn't take long for Odysseus to come to a stop beside him. Eurylochus simply handed him the papers without a word. Odysseus gave him an odd look, but he took the papers without complaint and began to look through them. Eurylochus could tell when he hit the same moment of realization he had had by the way Odysseus paused before looking back over the previous papers. Just when Eurylochus was sure one of the crew was going to pass out from suspense Odysseus spoke.
"I think this is what I'd look like," The picture Odysseus held up featured a woman with big breasts but no ass or thighs.
"You would not look like that," Eurylochus said without fully thinking about what he was saying.
Odysseus gasped in mock offense, "What's wrong with my vision of what I'd look like as a girl?"
By now Eurylochus's brain had finally caught up with his mouth and he was able to suppress the urge to rattle off the reasons Odysseus's choice made no sense. Instead he placed his face in his hands and let out a frustrated yet muffled scream. He was not surprised to discover a shit-eating grin on Odysseus's face when he finally looked up again.
"Oh, I bet it's cos that one has no thighs," Both Eurylochus and Odysseus startled as Iason spoke up from his new spot beside Odysseus. How such a large man could move so silently would never cease to amaze Eurylochus. Iason looked towards Eurylochus as he asked, "That's the reason, right? Cos a girl captain would also have big thighs,"
Eurylochus had decided he just needed to accept that this was his life now. He might as well join the insanity that had apparently overtaken everyone including the captain. He sighed and flatly answered Iason, "Yes, Iason. The problem with the captain's choice is the lack of thighs,"
Iason beamed with pride at having figured out the issue. Odysseus shoved the papers back to Eurylochus. When Eurylochus gave him a questioning look he said, "You pick out which one you think I look like,"
Eurylochus gave Odysseus a deadpan look as he quickly shuffled through the papers until he landed on the one he wanted. He handed it to Odysseus who gave a sharp laugh when he looked at it. It was the drawing that was clearly him with a pair of breasts drawn on as if they were an afterthought. The crew, beyond simple Iason, had remained silent for all of this. But it seemed as though they had reached the breaking point for how much standing around and waiting to find out their fate that they could take. One man hidden by the others spoke up, "So... are we in trouble or...?"
Eurylochus stayed silent. As far as he was concerned this was all Odysseus's call now. If Odysseus had no problem with the crew's little collective art project then he'd let it be.
"No, you're not in trouble. If anything I'm kind of impressed by your collective drawing skills, imaginations, and the fact that any of you managed to find blank paper on the ship without breaking into my cabin," Odysseus said with a mischievous grin as he flipped one of the papers over. Terror filled Eurylochus as he remembered what papers the crew had used for their drawing paper. Suddenly the idea of going upstairs and trying to have another awkward conversation with Perimedes was looking very appealing.
Yes, he thought, as he watched Odysseus's grin freeze on his face and his eyes take on a murderous glint, his time would be better spent upstairs. As Eurylochus made his escape up the stairs he heard Odysseus ask the damning question, "Are these my old battle plans?"