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Having your life story turned into a TV show came with some…strange jobs. In his many, many centuries Xie Lian had worked what he thought to be every job, but the advent of the twenty-first century had brought a whole host of new technology and jobs for him to do. Not that he really needed to work, but having infinite time on his hands would sometimes get monotonous. So, the random jobs were something fun to break up his day and he always tried to donate his pay to a local charity or at least do something good with it.
Today’s job had seemed straightforward, although they hadn't given him much details beyond 'wear your white robes'. He had done several TV adverts with San Lang at Puqi Shrine and it had been a fun day. Today, though he was on his own, he had tried to tell them that him and San Lang worked better as a set, but they had been insistent. He had wanted to skip out, let them find someone else for the job but then he felt bad about all the people’s day he would mess up, so that was how he found himself in a large warehouse on the outskirts of some city. To help ease his worries Hua Cheng had placed a butterfly in his hair ribbon, promising to interfere only if Xie Lian asked him to.
Hua Cheng had dropped him off, and was sat in their car editing the scripts for the next season of the TV show. Not that anyone had asked him to, but the last time they had ignored his suggestions, well, Xie Lian had pretended not to understand their dialect when they presented him with a bill for the furniture and tech the indoor blood rain had ruined.
The warehouse was sparsely furnished. A green screen was setup in front of a single camera, and a bright red box was sat on the floor next to it. There were ten or so people milling about, fussing with things. The director and his assistant walked up to Xie Lian. The director clapped a hand on Xie Lian’s shoulder.
“Xie my boy! I was starting to think you’d chickened out on us.”
Xie Lian winced at the directors hard ‘ex’ not ‘sh’ sound. He desperately wanted to correct the mispronunciation of his name, but his manners overtook his grumpiness.
Xie Lian frowned, “This is the time your assistant told me to arrive?”
“Oh well, whatever you’re here.”
“My apologies for disrupting your timings.” Xie Lian bowed his head.
“No, not it’s fine. Now, do you have your lines memorised?”
“Lines?” Xie Lian squeaked, the other adverts had given them some keywords then let them ad-lib their lines.
The director started laughing, “Ha-Ha! Just pulling your leg.”
“Right… Director? May I ask what product this advert is for?” he hoped it was for a product he could reasonably refuse. His abstinence from sex and alcohol had long been broken but he didn’t want to broadcast that to the world.
“Daz!”
“Daz?”
“You’re joking? You don’t use the countries number one washing powder brand?”
“Well no, I handmake our soap and San Lang and I wash our clothes in the springs in Gh- ahem- our countryside residence.”
The director look Xie Lian up and down, he was wearing his white robes, as the assistant had requested.
“Well isn’t Mr White Robes fancy,” He turned to the handful of crew members, “Get a load of this fancy fella, washes his clothes in a spring.”
Xie Lian groaned inwardly, they had a house with all the mortal’s new tech, he really should have paid more attention when San Lang was explaining what the strange machines did. He rubbed the back of his head, what did San Lang call the spin-y washing machine again?
“Ahh it was just a joke! Ha-hahaha.”
The director gave him a strange look, “Right…” he turned to his assistant, “do we have any comedy in this script? Xie’s deadpan delivery is going to wreck it.”
“No sir.”
“Great.” The director turned back to Xie Lian, “Now Mr Fancy Robes, can you stand in front of the green screen please?”
Xie Lian nodded, and made his way over. “Excuse me, just to check, you did want me wearing my robes?”
“Well duh, do you not understand what product we are marketing here?”
“Not really?” Xie Lian fidgeted with the cuffs of his robes, “and you keep calling these robes ‘fancy’, I assure you they are truly a basic item.”
They truly were, he had robes of finest silk, the softest cotton but instead he had worn an older, but still sparkling white set that he didn’t mind if they got damaged.
The director came up to him and placed a heavy arm on his shoulder, Xie Lian took a deep breath as he tried not to harm the man. The director’s free arm made an arc in front of them.
“Imagine, you’re in bed, in that fancy oh-la-la outfit, you know the one you bring out when you’re in the dog house. Your missus, sorry, mister, as just come home, and then from the closest out pops your lover! And you know how they were found out? Their dazzling white pants!”
Xie Lian frowned, “But what does promoting affairs and adultery have to do with washing powder?”
The director groaned, slapping his free hand to his head. “Of course, a happily married sap like you would focus on that. The pants, the dazzlingly white pants are the focus, how else would they have been found out?”
“The plot of this advertising campaign is very….odd.” Xie Lian wanted to say ridiculous, what sort of weird marketing strategy was that? But he didn’t wish to insult someone’s precious work. “and…and not something I would feel comfortable with. I take my vows to San Lang very seriously and will not engage in anything that will imply otherwise.”
“Oh we have other plans for you.” The director took his arm off Xie Lian’s shoulder and moved so he was facing him.
“Your character is plagued by misfortune, taking all sorts of tumbles. Yet the robes, the robes are so perfectly, dazzlingly white every time we see him on screen. I know it’s just camera trickery, takes a lot to colour in dirt spots but that sort of ungodly power to keep the robes white that is what we want to sell our customers. Buy Daz and look! You can have white-white clothes not matter how unfortunate you are!”
“But my character is a god, and you will be selling a lie.”
And he had only kept them white as he’d spent hours pounding the dirt stains out of his robes, drying them in the sun and really, he didn’t like to say but the fabric of his original lifetime had just been better than the fabric the mortals had these days.
“Oi the product works, thank you very much Mr Fancy-handmade soap-spring washed Robes.”
Xie Lian sighed, and rubbed his temples. This was starting to become too stressful, the jobs he took were supposed to be fun, but he had committed to this job. So he took a deep breath and smiled.
“May I ask what I will be doing in the advert?”
“You will hold the box of washing powder.” The director indicated the red box, sitting forgotten on the floor. “Say: Daz, it kept my robes dazzlingly white for eight-hundred years, join me in making your whites whiter than white.”
Xie Lian frowned, it didn’t really make sense, and he didn’t like the idea of lying about something so…silly. There was one other thing, he might have been a little useless with modern technology but the ice cream advert people had taken great glee in explaining the concept of a green screen to him when he filmed with San Lang. He was a little concerned at what exactly they were going to include around him.
“Is that it? What about the green screen?”
“Oh don’t you worry. It’ll just be some related images.” The director smirked.
“I’d like to see some concept art, please?”
The director laughed, “We ain’t some big budget production.”
“But surely you have some idea of what will be around me, I’d hate to be working to one idea and then ruin it for your editors, especially as your budget is low.” He rubbed his temple, mentally whining a San Lang as he did so.
There was a bang as the warehouse door opened.
“Gege? It’s time to go.” Hua Cheng announced as he walked in, his robes fluttering around him. He had dressed in a version of his San Lang outfit, just in case they had decided they wanted him.
“Excuse me?” the director turned to Hua Cheng. “Who do you think you are? This is a closed set you’re disturbing.”
Hua Cheng ignored the man and continued to address Xie Lian.
“Gege? Your contract stated two hours and it’s been almost three.”
“Already?” Xie Lian hadn’t realised how much time this man had wasted.
“Excuse me! Mr err,” the director looked Hua Cheng up and down, “Do either of you know we’re in the twenty-first century? Dressing like you’re in the damn show yourselves.”
“I like to match Gege, and as your assistant insisted he wear his white robes well…” Hua Cheng smiled, turning back to Xie Lian. “Gege are you ready to go?”
“No he is not! I’ve got none of my shots!”
Xie Lian sighed, and bowed. “My deepest apologies, but… now I have been given the full details of this brand and its…legacy. I do not feel comfortable staring in this advert. I hope you find someone else befitting this ahem dazzling brand, but we will not be taking this partnership any further.” He stepped forward and took Hua Cheng’s hand, leaving before the director had chance to react.
The warehouse door shut behind them, and it was just the two of them alone in the empty carpark, they slowly walked away from the warehouse.
“Thanks for saving me San Lang.”
“No problem Gege, I was watching through the butterfly in your hair, then I searched for their old ads online. I guess they had a certain… charm for the original audience but such bawdy trash was beneath you.”
“I don’t think I want to do anymore adverts for a little while.” Xie Lian let Hua Cheng pull him closer.
“Hmm you have been very busy lately.”
“Say San Lang, what happened to the car?” Xie Lian asked as they exited the carpark.
“Oh, I got Yin-Yu to collect it and take it back to our house.” He looked around and brought them to stop. “Perfect, no cameras.” he pulled out the dice. “Gege ready to go home?”
“Paradise Manor please, I think I’ve had enough of mortals for a little while.”
Hua Cheng kissed him, smiling as he pulled away, he twirled the dice. “Paradise Manor it is.”