Archive of Our Own

Anger: a natural defence mechanism the mind uses when the loss is so great that the brain is essentially too overwhelmed to begin the grieving process.

He couldn’t think about doing anything else. Why would he? It’s not like he could relax, take a break like the others did. He’d feel too guilty, more guilty than he already did. 

Everything was a mess, he probably needed a distraction. His mother always told him that if he were upset or angry then he should find something that would make him happy. That’s why he learnt how to draw - it brought him comfort when nothing else could - except, doing anything besides researching how to fix a shattered soul or how to bring someone’s memories back felt wrong. Nothing he did felt relaxing at all. 

The only thing that could put his mind at ease was to research, because the more time he spent researching, the quicker they could bring him back. However, as much as he dug into the internet, books he borrowed from a library in the Crossroads, or scrolls he’d stolen from Wu’s scroll room, nothing seemed to offer a result. Solutions were difficult to come across when you had no information whatsoever. 

How was he to figure out how to bring someone’s memories back if he doesn’t even know how they’re amnesic? Did they hit their head? Did someone wipe their memories? Was it something deeper and more complicated? And how is he to find out how to unshatter a soul when he still wasn’t entirely sure what shattering a soul meant . All he knew was that the presence of his best friend was no longer there - both physically and mentally - and he needed to do everything in his power to bring him home. For even if Kai and Nya did find him, they still needed to convince him to come to a strange Monastery he’d been told not to go to. And how were they to gain his trust enough for them to even attempt a comeback?

Cole refused to think about that for now. Instead, he focused on getting all the information he could. 

He made lists. Lists of scribbled notes he could barely read himself. ‘Photographs’ was the first thing jotted down at the top of the notebook beside him at the kitchen counter. He didn’t even need to research that for it to come to mind. Photographs seemed almost too obvious, though. Cole thought it was stupid - if Jay were to remember anything through people in photographs, he would’ve remembered them at the tournament. Besides, it was likely to only frustrate or confuse him. 

Not knowing how Jay would feel if- when he returned to the Monastery was also a big issue. How compliant would he be? Every now and then, Cole would think back to what Ras said, obviously ignoring the part where he accused them of being bad friends.

‘ The merge left Jay Walker without his memory. Lost, alone, friendless. I found him, helped him when no one else did.’

Whatever happened to Jay must’ve been complicated. Not having any memories, being all alone and confused about who you are and how you have elemental powers sounded like a nightmare to Cole. What he hated even more was the question of, did Jay wake up without memories or was there a period of time after the merge where he truly felt lonely without the presence of his friends?

Nya had mentioned that Jay told her all he remembered was waking up in the Administration, that he managed to escape and that Ras ‘rescued’ him. That’d only make it ten times harder to bring him back, especially knowing that Ras had been whispering all kinds of nonsense about the ninja in his ear. Not to mention whatever the Administration had been saying. Jay likely wasn’t gonna be that trusting toward them. However, Cole liked to think that since Ras kicked him from his team, Jay wouldn’t be so loyal to Ras’ words anymore. 

The only thing Cole really had going for him at the moment was hope. That and research.

He took a sip of fresh coffee - his sixth cup today already - to keep him awake. He scrolled through yet another web page discussing the effects of memory loss, how complicated, stressful and difficult it was to deal with. Considering how many websites he’d looked at already, it’d be surprising if he’d missed any. 

The scrolls didn’t tend to help either. There was nothing specific in them about soul shattering, although perhaps that was because Wu had never dealt with it. There was a brief mention of Shatterspin in a scroll about ‘ancient techniques’, but even then, there was nothing specific. It’s almost as if Wu just knew it existed, wanted to do more research, but never got round to doing it. Perhaps if there was more detail somewhere, Lloyd would find it, since he was so determined to reorganise the scroll room fifty times a day.

Cole groaned, placing his head in his hands.

It was useless. It was almost as if the internet thought of regaining memories as a myth, something that just seemed impossible. Perhaps that was only because nobody had bothered doing the proper research into it. The constant mention of dementia pissed him off too, especially when he specifically googled ‘amnesia’. Nothing reported seemed as intense as what was wrong with Jay either.

Cole didn’t realise how invested he was into it until he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. It almost startled him, his head lifting and turning to the side, his hazel eyes meeting deep jade ones. His chest eased, the slight annoyance bubbling in his veins dying down. 

“Don’t you think you should take a break? You’ve been doing this for days.”

“I appreciate the concern, Geo, but I’m fine,” Cole returned to staring at the screen, “the quicker I figure this out, the quicker we bring him back.”

Geo had been a huge help through it all. Not only had he been the most active person around the Monastery, checking in on everyone, but he’d been super supportive towards Cole’s research. Not that the earth ninja expected anything less, but he really did appreciate the fact Geo stuck around. He likely would’ve driven himself insane without his presence.

“Have you found anything yet?” Geo asked as he pulled out a stool beside Cole. 

Cole shrugged, exiting yet another web page, “not really. It’s all just the same baloney. Google seems to think that I’m asking how to help someone with dementia. Or that I’m just trying to jog someone’s memories.”

Geo gives him an apologetic look, getting himself comfortable in his seat. He moves slightly closer to the man beside him, attempting to look over whatever Cole was searching up.

“Have you tried googling something really specific?”

“What do you think?” Cole raised an eyebrow, “all that really comes up is photographs and asking questions… but that stuff only seems like it’d confuse him more. After all, we’re dealing with someone who's forgotten everyone and everything .”

“What about the scrolls?”

Cole sighed, picking up a scroll that lay beside the laptop. He unravelled it, scanning through it again just in case he’d missed something before.

“Nothing.”

Geo hummed, taking the scroll gently from him. He, too, glanced over it, but was only met with a defeated look, much like the one Cole had when he first read it too.

“Google also seems to think he has some kind of mental issue or disease, which only makes it harder to research because we don’t know what happened to him,” Cole groaned, “but I’m putting my money on either the Administration wiping his memory or Ras doing something.”

“You don’t think he just hit his head really hard during the merge?”

“I don’t know. He’s clumsy but… he must’ve hit it ridiculously hard for him to lose everything . That just doesn’t sound right to me.” 

As Cole entered yet another web page, Geo picked up the notebook that sat in front of him. Cole’s handwriting had gotten messier but somewhat intelligible. 

“You’ve got some good ideas here,” Geo reassured him, “have you thought instead of photographs, objects could help? Like something he holds dear to him?”

Cole looked at the man beside him, a display of deep thought written on his face. Geo gave him a reassuring smile in response.

“I.. guess it could work.. But I don’t know what specifically to use.”

In reality, Cole had thought of it. His first thought was the yin/yang medallion Jay shared with Nya, but it was likely Jay kept it on him at all times so who knows where that ended up after the merge. He dared to think about the Land of Lost Things. On second thought, however, maybe it wasn’t a bad idea. Every movie he’d seen where a character loses sight, something they find special always brought them back. The medallion wasn’t the only special thing to Jay either.

But if they were to find something that could even remotely work, there was only one place they’d find it.

They headed down the corridor together, passing both Cole’s bedroom and the games room. It was eerily quiet, although the slight pounding in his chest was enough to distract him from the lack of noise. 

The pair stopped in front of a door, one that looked slightly scratched, a small hole in the washi. There was no light seeping into the room, no reflection of the sun through the room at all. It only made Cole’s chest ache more.

Geo placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, watching as the earth ninja stared at the door, reluctant to go in.

“We don’t have to.”

Nobody had been in there since the merge. It was a touchy subject, everyone had been avoiding it, but Cole was pretty certain no soul had stepped foot in there. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t considered it. What would be so wrong about taking a look around, soaking in all the memories? Except, every time he had thought of it and stood in this very position, the thought of everything being right where it was left the moment everyone disappeared terrified him so much that he couldn’t bring himself to push open that door. The darkness that would follow, the sadness he’d feel in his heart after setting his eyes on all the belongings, knowing he didn’t know when they’d be touched next… It hurt. It hurt a lot. 

But he couldn’t let on. After all, he was supposed to be the strong one.

Cole shook his head, taking in a deep breath, “it’s okay.”

He reached a hand out, his fingers wrapping around the door handle. Was he shaking? Pushing his thoughts aside, he focused on what needed to be done. They needed something that would help him remember. 

His heart pounded harder in his chest as he pulled the door, smells that hadn’t hit him in years acting as a push of nostalgia. 

It was a mess. Most ornaments had fallen over, some broken, and a half snapped bookshelf hung from the far wall, books scattered across the floor, almost looking like a crime scene. 

It only made Cole mad to see how the merge destroyed such a precious place. 

His first thought was to let some light into the room, so he headed over towards where the curtains were drawn. Geo followed in behind him. God, if only Geo’s first impression of the real Jay wasn’t his messed up bedroom.

He pulled at the fabric, pushing them away from each other, the sun hitting him straight in the face. If it hadn’t been so dark in here prior, he might’ve found it comforting. 

Cole turned around, getting a better look at the room. 

It still looked lived in. The bed covers weren’t made, piles of clothes on the floor that Jay had forgotten to wash all those years ago. Open comic books laid out on the desk… Fuck.

All of this was right here, just waiting for him to return. The books he would’ve picked up, the collectible figurines he loved so dearly that he would’ve been so pissed about being broken, the bed he would’ve gotten into for a long, much deserved nap… And it all sat alone here for years just collecting dust and spiders. He hated spiders. 

Even if- when he did return, it’d all mean nothing to him. A messy room he knows nothing about. A room that holds so many memories he doesn’t care for or remember. Things Jay loved so much so many years ago. 

All here but all forgotten.

It wasn’t fair.

Cole took a moment to collect his thoughts, getting himself to focus on what they were even doing in there. Reminiscing on the past wasn’t helpful, and it certainly wasn’t going to bring Jay back. 

He headed over to the bed, the sheets all screwed up as if someone had gotten out of them early this morning. He sighed, reaching down to grab the one thing Cole knew Jay loved more than anything in this room; Mr Cuddlywomp.

Perhaps it was stupid. A stuffed bear Jay had cherished since he was a kid probably wouldn’t bring his memories back, after all he once told Cole that it was something he just kept with him since he was little. His parents had gifted it to him when he was 3, something he wouldn’t remember even with his memories, and the lack of memories he really does have with the bear wasn’t helpful. Well, besides that one time he nearly got split in half by the Time Blade when they were unboxing at the Temple of Airjitzu. Maybe Mr Cuddlywomp could be a backup plan, just in case.

“Are these comics?” Geo’s voice came from the other side of the room.

Cole turned to see Geo looking through the wardrobe, holding a box he’d taken off the top shelf. Where he was glancing, there was a pile of comics, clearly hidden out of sight. Cole frowned, making his way over. Reaching up to grab them, he dusted it off with his fingers and when his eyes finally lay on the book, he couldn’t help but be surprised.

“His Star Farer comics?” Cole questioned, “why would he hide them?”

“They were important?” Geo asked.

Cole nodded, flicking through a few of the pages, “it was his favourite series. I don’t know why he’d hide these though. He was obsessed with it.”

“You think it’s something we could consider?” 

He shrugged, “perhaps, but there’s gotta be a reason he’s hidden them.”

“Maybe there wasn’t enough room on his bookshelf.”

Cole knew there was room. Plenty of it. He spent a lot of time hanging out in Jay’s room prior to the merge. They’d have movie nights - mostly Jay forcing Cole to watch some action movie he was excited about - or they’d listen to music together, sometimes draw when they just needed company after particularly difficult missions. Often, Cole snuck in to borrow one of Jay’s comics too. It sucked how quickly something could change. 

As Cole kept flicking through the book, Geo headed towards the desk. It was pretty messy, and not just from the merge. He had pots of pencils, both drawing and colouring. Cole once told him that Jay enjoyed creating mech designs - he was an inventor after all - which Geo found exciting. Cole thought that perhaps Geo and Jay would get along well, especially with one of them being able to fuse and another being able to invent. It was like a perfect duo. Completely unrelated but Cole also wanted the two people he was closest to, to be good friends as well. He wanted the three of them to hang out together. 

Maybe if Cole had rushed after him after the fight at the Tournament, it could’ve all been fixed by now. They should’ve been tidying up Jay’s room together.

Geo took a good look at the pictures around Jay’s desk. Some were bluetacked to the wall, most of them being of Jay and Nya. Some looked older than others, the pair looking almost unrecognisable to Geo in some. There were a few with Jay and the rest of the team. Jay and Kai on go-karts. Zane and Jay building something in what looked like an underground base. Lloyd and Jay reading comics together. It seemed he really cherished the small moments with his friends. 

There were quite a few with Cole too, or at least it looked like it in some of them. 

Geo smiled, “is that you?”

Cole placed the comic back in the wardrobe before turning around. Geo was pointing at a picture on the wall. A short-haired ginger sat with a short-haired raven, both smiling. He couldn’t help but smile at it.

“Sometimes I forget my hair looked like that.”

“When's it from?”

“Around the time the team came together,” Cole told him, “we became friends almost instantly.”

“Cute.”

Cole took a moment to peer at the calendar beside it. It looked old, somewhat dusty. Surprisingly, it hadn’t fallen off the wall during the merge. The dates were completely wrong, almost four years ago, and there was so much written down on it.

‘Mom bday dinner’ on the 12th.

‘Movies with Kai & Lloyd’ on the 17th.

‘DATE WITH NYA!! <3’ on the 23rd.

And none of that happened.

The merge had taken so much away from Jay. Not only his memories, but things he was excited for. Everything he enjoyed in life was gone. 

Cole gritted his teeth, but tried to take deep breaths, focusing on what he was here for. He needed to focus. There was no time to get upset. Jay needed help.

His eyes shifted across the desk again, eventually spotting a picture frame. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was that made him reach out to grab it, but he did. It was face down, tiny glass shards dotted around it. 

The frame itself, half of it lying broken on the desk, was handmade with neatly crafted wood. It was smooth to touch, something oddly satisfying to the earth ninja. It wasn’t until he turned the picture over that he felt his heart grow heavy. The glass was shattered, cracks all over the sheet, covering a large portion of the picture that lay underneath. However, Cole didn’t need for it to be clear to know exactly what the photo was.

It was of him and Jay. He remembered the moment well. Jay took out his phone in the middle of the Noodle House, holding his camera up towards the two to take a selfie. Right there, in the picture, he could see every little detail from that day. The bowls of noodles on the table, Cole sitting directly across from the ginger. Coincidentally, their smiles were covered by the cracks, Jay’s face almost completely unrecognisable through it. 

Out of everything broken in this room, why did Cole find himself so upset over a picture that likely still existed elsewhere? Why did he find himself so mad at a broken photo, the most replaceable thing in here? 

Maybe it was because every little thing pissed him off lately. Maybe it was because all this research he was doing was leading nowhere except to more pain and suffering. Or perhaps it was because this day was one of Cole’s favourite memories of theirs and now it was destroyed. Completely forgotten. Not a single soul remembered it but himself. 

“The beef noodle soup looks good,” Cole mentioned.

Jay glanced up briefly from his menu, “that’s so basic. Don’t you always get that?”

“Yes, but it’s the greatest thing on the menu.”

“Hm, I prefer the chicken ones,” Jay shrugged.

“So we’re both basic then?”

Jay smiled, a light chuckle escaping his lips, “I guess.”

Once they’d ordered, they found themselves talking about absolute nonsense (as always) and it wasn’t until their food had arrived that they fell silent again. 

The earth ninja kept stealing glances at his friend, Jay fully focused on something on his phone while he waited for his food to cool down. Their friendship was so important to Cole, especially these little moments of calm between them where they could just talk and hang out like normal friends. The evolution of their closeness was strange. Looking back at them years ago when they were fighting for real, choosing every moment they could to shove each other around and bully one another, and to compare that behaviour to how they were now.. If future Cole told past Cole that they’d end up being best friends, he never would’ve believed it.

The earth ninja swirled his chopsticks around in his noodles, glancing back down again.

“Don’t you find it weird that whenever we argue, we just manage to end and forget about it so quickly?” Cole spoke up awkwardly.

Jay glanced away from his phone, frowning, “what d’you mean?”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing but.. It’s just odd. I feel like most normal friendships don’t do that.”

“Normal?” Jay raised an eyebrow, “since when has our friendship ever been normal?”

Cole chuckled, “it’s not. I’m just saying I like that we’re so comfortable with each other that we don’t even need to discuss our issues or arguments to know that neither of us really meant it.”

Jay nodded and put his phone down, finally taking a bite out of his noodles.

“I never really thought of it like that,” he responded.

“Like… thinking back to past years where we genuinely did argue and just never spoke about it, I feel like we’ve.. I don’t know, changed a lot?”

“You mean when we used to fight over Nya?”

Cole sighed, an embarrassed smile appearing on his lips, “don’t… bring it up.”

Jay laughed, “it was so long ago it doesn’t even feel like it happened.”

“Oh,” Cole gasped, “and our fight at the Tournament!”

“Don’t tell me you forgot about that,” Jay looked offended.

“Never! That just also feels like an eternity ago.”

They both laughed, thinking back to their memories of the Tournament of Elements. They hadn’t spent a lot of time together back then, and even when they did, it always ended in arguments. Arguments that never got solved. Their versus fight felt like the most perfect changing point in their friendship, the moment where they officially became such good friends. The two had never understood each other up until that point.

“Did it even happen or was it a fever dream?” Jay smiled.

Cole took a bite out of his noodles, shrugging.

“I’m convinced it was a nightmare.”

Jay gasped, “excuse me?! You’re only saying that because you lost.”

Cole scoffed, “uhm, I ‘lost’ because I let you win!”

“Sound like a sore loser to me..”

“Dude, I could’ve destroyed you in that fight.”

“But you didn’t,” Jay smirked, “instead, you destroyed your reputation.”

Cole rolled his eyes, “hilarious.”

They continued eating quietly, sharing awkward glances every now and again.

“Can I ask you something?” Jay asked nervously.

With a mouthful of noodles, Cole nodded, trying to chew faster. The lightning ninja took a moment to think before responding.

“What do you think would’ve happened if that fight never took place?” Jay questioned, “like.. Would we have kept fighting?”

It was something that Jay often thought about, mostly at 3am, but he was never really that bothered by the question so never considered actually asking Cole about it. Since now that they were talking about their friendship, and their fight at the tournament, why not bring it up? It did intrigue him whether Cole thought the same thing.

Cole frowned, swallowing the last of the noodles in his mouth. Jay broke eye contact.

“I’m not sure. I mean, I guess we would’ve stopped eventually, whether that be to Nya choosing or if we just got tired of it,” Cole shrugged, “but I like to think we would’ve spoken about it properly and chosen to grow up.”

Jay smiled, “but realistically?”

The earth ninja thought for a second, using his chopsticks to pick up more noodles.

“We probably would’ve just grown out of it without talking.”

“Do you think we’d ever become such close friends as we did?”

Cole hummed, thinking deeply about the question. It wasn’t very often that the pair discussed such serious topics like this, especially regarding their friendship.

“I think we still would’ve become quite close friends, but maybe not best friends.”

Jay nodded, watching as the earth ninja ate more noodles.

“But that’s why I like our friendship,” Cole stated as he finished, “we can talk to each other about things when we need to.”

They shared a smile.

The pair continued talking until they finished their noodles, mostly about dumb memories, smiling and laughing over the stupid things they’d argued about. They definitely did have an odd dynamic, but it was something they considered so special and unique. 

“Coming to get noodles was such a good idea,” Jay sighed, pushing his empty bowl towards the middle of the table.

Cole nodded, “wanna head back and play Fist2Face?”

“Only if you agree to not fight me.”

“I’m making no promises, bonehead.”

God, he wished that bonehead was around. Everything would be so much simpler. 

With Jay no longer remembering anything, this seemed like the only thing that kept them together. Jay making a frame for this photo and this photo only means that day clearly meant something to him too, which only made it being broken so much worse. Out of everything in this room, why did this have to break?

The pair had never discussed the Tournament of Elements until that day. It was never brought up, even when it happened. After that fight, they never spoke about it again, the two of them just being comfortable enough with the memory. It really did seem so long ago.

Jay being pitted against his own team, against someone he cared for, at yet another tournament felt like a cruel punishment from the universe. All Cole could do was feel grateful that he wasn’t in Nya’s position this time, because if he were, he never would’ve forgiven himself. Ever.

“I’ve been there,” Cole’s voice was quiet and shaky, his hands trembling as he held the picture tightly, “I know how it feels to have to fight but not want to.”

He thought about it a lot. Seeing Nya pitted against her love made Cole shudder. He wasn’t even sure how she managed to fight him, because he knew that if he were in her shoes, he never would’ve. He wouldn’t have been brave enough. Just standing at the side, watching it all happen, he couldn’t help but think back to the last time Jay was pitted against his own team like that, having to be the first to reach the blade at the top of the tower. 

It was cruel. So, so cruel.

He took a deep breath, his eyes fixed to the shattered glass covering Jay’s freckled face, “back then, Lloyd told me Jay wasn’t my enemy, that we didn’t need to fight for one person to win… but now he is the enemy.”

That fight meant a lot to him. It meant a lot to both of them. It really was the turning point in their friendship, something that didn’t even feel real but was just so dearly significant. Not only that, but it was the moment where Cole finally began to understand Jay on a deeper level. Understand his actions, his behaviour, the way he cared about other people. Jay was complicated, difficult to wrap your head around, but he was so worth it. Ever since that day, Cole clung to him like a magnet. His mother once told him that someday he’d find someone, someone he understood better than anyone in the world, someone he understood more than he understood himself, and he’d never want to leave their side. Almost like an inseparable bond. Cole didn’t believe in it until that fight. Until he saw Jay on the arena floor, surrounded in Cole’s rocky element. 

It was almost as if he became Jay. Like he understood his thoughts and feelings all at once. That’s why he knew he had to let him be the winner.

Was it wrong to be upset that he didn’t win his fight against Nya too?

He wanted Nya to win, not just for the team, but for herself, however there was also that part of him, deep in his chest, that was angry. He was upset. He knew how hard Jay worked to better himself, to be strong and ‘up to the team’s standards’, and no matter how many times Cole assured him he wasn’t any different, that he had every reason to be proud of himself even without those kind of achievements, Jay still took pride in things like that. He took pride in winning. He felt important from it, so when he lost, Cole could feel Jay’s heartbreak in his own chest. 

A warm hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality, taking a deep breath as he realised how upset he was getting. Why was he getting upset over something that shouldn’t have happened? 

Geo’s hand reached over towards the picture, his fingers wrapping around the broken frame. Cole was reluctant to let go of it at first, his eyes glued to the photo, but when he felt a tight squeeze from the hand on his shoulder, he knew it’d be okay. 

As the hand left his presence and he finally let go of the picture, he watched closely as it sat comfortably in Geo’s palm. Gently, Geo reached down and picked up the other half of the frame from the desk. It wasn’t badly broken, just snapped at the corner, meaning it was easily fixable. He lifted it to the frame, where it would sit perfectly before broken. He let his powers take control, soft green, blue and purple hues engulfing the item. Once faded, he let go of the corner, it remaining in place.

Cole smiled softly, his heart fluttering, almost as if a heavy weight had been lifted from him.

Why did something so significant feel ever so important? Like all his worries had just been solved?

Geo carefully handed it back, Cole taking it gently. 

His voice was soft and gentle, “I can’t fix the glass but I’m sure you could get a new sheet of it.

And that brief moment of happiness, the joy Cole had been missing ever so much, dissipated. His smile faded into one of remorse, his heart feeling heavier than before.

Realistically, even something so small as fixing a broken frame just wasn’t enough to fix the broken bond that holds it all together, because even with a fixed frame, the glass behind it was still all but shattered. 

“It wouldn’t be the same…”

A tear fell down his cheek, dropping onto the picture, seeping across the cracks.

A hand making its way back to Cole’s shoulder was enough to snap him back into existence. What was he doing? What was the point in crying over something he couldn’t do anything about? His research was pointless, why would any of this work? 

And the last thing he needed was for everyone to think he was going insane. 

Cole snapped his head back up, placing the picture down on the desk as he shrugged Geo’s hand off his shoulder. He turned towards the door, wiping his cheek.

“We shouldn't be in here,” Cole coughed, his voice rough, “there’s probably another way to get his memories back.”

Something felt wrong about leaving the room, especially knowing he’d likely not step foot in there again until Jay returned. Everything was a mess. The team was a mess. He was a mess. He hadn’t thought about himself once this whole time, only focused on fixing whatever is wrong with his best friend. He hadn’t considered how upset he was. How angry he was. How short tempered he’d gotten with everyone and everything. It was messing with him so much and for what? Was this what Ras wanted? He wanted for them all to be upset and angry. He wanted them to lose their train of thought. 

In all honesty, there wasn’t a moment of the day where Cole didn’t think about Jay since that fight. There wasn’t a moment he didn’t spend not feeling guilty about what happened, for not doing something when he could. If only he’d gone after Jay when that fight finished, and the team hadn’t left it until later in the day to retrieve him from Ras. 

Cole marched down the corridor, his hands sweaty, his head light. He missed Jay so much, but thinking about him 24/7 was only hurting both himself and others. The more he thought about what happened, how things could’ve gone differently, how they could’ve prevented this all right from the start, the more angry and upset he became. 

He needed a distraction. Just something to take his mind off it all for a while, to let him calm down. He didn’t have the patience to draw nor did he have the patience to read. Something that was easy, something he needed to focus hard on. 

Video games.

Making his way into the game room, he wasn’t surprised to find it empty. Usually it was the main hangout for the newer ninja, but they seemed to be distracting themselves at the Crossroads recently. He switched on the game console, which was strange it still worked after the merge and all these years, but he decided not to dwell on it. Sitting down on the pretty old couch, he got comfortable with a controller in hand. Watching as the game loaded up, he smiled briefly, feeling the pounding in his chest begin to cool. He forgot how much he loved video games.

Fist2Face5 did distract him for a while. It was the game he only ever really managed to focus on. It was still relatively new before the merge happened, so he hadn’t played it as much as the other games in the Fist2Face series. He’d played it a lot with Jay right before-

No. He’s doing this to forget about Jay for a second.

Well.. not forget him, but… just distract him from thinking about him. At least for a while.

But no matter how hard he did try to focus, to distract himself, the tiny details in the game kept bringing him back to that one thing - that one person - he couldn't stop thinking about. He was everywhere in the Monastery, it was hard to escape any thought of him, however, even this game wasn’t enough to fully take Cole’s mind off him. This whole game had Jay’s name written all over it. The little tricks he knew how to do to get through certain levels, hacks in the game he somehow figured out on the first runthrough, and whenever Cole won a round, all he could hear in the back of his mind was Jay’s excited voice cheering or laughing because he got a higher score than Cole did. 

Nevertheless, he pushed on, for even though he was still thinking about Jay, at least he was thinking of him as if he were still here. For a moment, he’d forgotten all about his research and that seemed to be just enough.

The final level was the hardest. He’d played it less than the other rounds, no thanks to Jay, but he still managed to get through it like a boss. Remembering Jay’s tips and tricks really did help after all.

Just when he was finally feeling better, that he could go back to work without feeling so angry at himself, his worst nightmares only started becoming true. He didn’t even know of this fear until now.

Expecting the title card of the game to come up, he was instead met with large red letters bursting onto the screen, reading ‘NEW HIGHSCORE’

What? 

Cole could swear his heart stopped for a minute. Fear washed over him as if he’d been struck with some kind of deadly blow to the chest. He held the controller tight in his hands, although feeling as if it was about to slip right out from how sweaty he was becoming. 

As the leaderboard appeared, Cole only felt his heart shatter more. His chest became tight, his head pounding, his ears ringing. What the hell was happening?

Cole’s avatar popped onto the screen with such aggression, pushing its way up the board, surpassing every team member. 3rd.. 2nd.. 

1st.

He was first on the leaderboard, his avatar shoving Jay’s down to second and replacing Jay’s top spot.

That was the final straw. Cole was fed up. He was fed up with this tip toeing around. He was fed up with this pointless research leading nowhere. He was fed up of Jay disappearing from this place, his home . 

How can someone be everywhere but possibly nowhere at the same time? 

Cole’s eyes ripped from the screen, wide in fear as he stared down at the controller in his shaking hands.

After only 3 hours of playing, they were just over halfway through the game.

“It’s more fun when I fight you,” Cole responded with a smirk.

Jay rolled his eyes, smiling too, “there’s no point trying to fight me when you’ll lose.”

Cole scoffed, “I’ll lose? Who was the winner of 31 out of 50 games of Smash Bros last week?”

“You counted?” Jay raised an eyebrow.

“Roughly.”

They often went through phases. First they’d fight, and it’d be a little tense, at other times they were super touchy and close with each other, but most of the time they just acted like normal friends. Nobody really knew what phase they were in right now, not even themselves.

“I’m assuming you only counted because you wanted to prove you can actually win something against me,” Jay grinned.

“Uh, excuse me-” Cole nudged Jay’s arm with his elbow, “which of us always wins in sparring?"

“Uhm,” Jay glanced at him briefly, frowning, “me?”

“No you don’t!”

“I have much better combat skills than you.”

Cole chuckled, pressing the buttons on his controller more aggressively as he was attacked by a skeleton.

“Name one time you beat me in training.”

“Okay, I can’t name one specifically, but I have. I know I have,” Jay responded dryly.

“Uh huh.”

“Besides, I was better in Prime Empire, right?” he smirked.

Cole laughed again, leaning more towards the TV to focus. Jay got more comfortable on the couch, letting Cole finish attacking the mob of skeletons approaching him on the screen. The lightning ninja sat back and watched as Cole struggled slightly, running out of ammo in his gun.

“Prime Empire doesn’t count because that was a game, and you were in there for much longer than I was,” Cole spoke quietly, focusing even more on the game.

“Okay but you have super strength.”

Cole thought for a second, briefly glancing at his best friend with an amused expression.

“Fair enough,” he responded.

As Jay looked back to the screen, his eyes lay on Cole’s player heading towards Jay with its gun. The lightning ninja shot up from his comfortable position, sitting directly next to Cole - who wore a wide smirk on his lips.

“Hey! Stop attacking me!” Jay exclaimed, slight anger in his tone.

“You weren’t paying attention,” Cole laughed.

“You’re supposed to be fighting the skeletons! I’m on your team!”

“Do I get extra points from killing you?” 

“No!” Jay cried.

As Cole aimed his gun towards Jay’s character and began shooting, Jay desperately tried to get his character away, running half way across the map on the screen.

“Stop!”

Cole laughed, “dude, just fight me.”

“No! I actually want to get to the end of the game,” Jay huffed, using his right hand to shove Cole to the side.

The earth ninja fell into the side of the couch, only laughing more, “so you know you’ll lose?”

“Cole, seriously.”

“Cole, seriously,” he repeated mockingly.

“It’s not funny, we’re over halfway,” Jay argued, pushing Cole again.

“Where are you going? Come back and fight me.”

Jay’s character ran to a corner and hid while Cole attempted to hunt him down. The lightning ninja watched his friend closely, watching his movements over the buttons on the controller.

“Cole, please.”

“C’mon, zaptrap, if you’re so confident you’re better at video games than me, come prove it.”

“Can’t we prove it with a different game? Or when we get to level 100?” Jay pleaded.

“You’re only avoiding it because you’ll lose,” Cole sang with a large grin.

“I won’t.”

“You will.”

Just as Jay looked back at the screen, Cole’s character appeared next to him, his gun raising once again.

“No!”

The earth ninja began laughing again, briefly glancing at Jay.

The lightning ninja spammed his buttons, trying to escape from Cole yet again but when Cole began shooting at him, Jay didn’t know what else to do. He threw his controller down onto the floor and reached over his friend to grab the controller out of his hand. Cole yelped as Jay snatched it, and sat back on the couch, hiding it behind his back.

Cole turned to face the lightning ninja, shock written on his face.

“Are you serious?”

“We’ve spent hours on this game, I’m not gonna let you ruin it,” Jay spoke quietly, keeping his hands firmly on the controller behind him.

The earth ninja stared at him in disbelief for a moment as Jay looked at him with annoyance.

“I was just messing around, Jay, we can restart the game.”

“And how long will that take?”

Cole shrugged, “it doesn’t matter. We have so much free time.”

Jay didn’t say anything else. Of course he regretted snatching the controller (a little) but he’d rather not risk his hours of work for some stupid fight that’d be over in 2 seconds. Cole just wished Jay didn’t take these kinds of things so seriously.

Without another thought, Cole leant forward, attempting to reach behind Jay to grab the controller. Jay yelped, his hold on it stronger than ever as Cole used one hand on the lightning ninja’s chest to hold him down, using his other hand to reach behind him. Jay squirmed, wriggling under Cole’s hold, making sure to not let go of his controller.

“Dude, just give it to me,” Cole told him.

Managing to dodge, Jay broke free, hopping off the couch and stepping back away from the earth ninja. Cole, too, got up and headed towards him, a look of determination on his face as Jay swiftly avoided him.

Eventually, the two ended up in a fighting match, one trying to grab the controller and the other attempting to hide it.

“Why are you taking this so seriously?” Cole struggled, grabbing Jay’s arm, trying to pull him towards him.

That was the same day they went to get noodles. Jay cared so much for video games, it was his favourite hobby besides inventing, and he cherished playing with his friends so much. Replacing his high score only felt like he was being erased, as if Cole was erasing the one thing Jay loved more than anything.

His face grew hot, his teeth gritting more tense than they did before. The controller he was holding was the exact same one they’d fought over that day. 

He can’t be angry at Jay, it’s not Jay’s fault that he lost his memories, let Ras manipulate him and then fight against his own yang. It’s not Jay’s fault he can’t trust the ninja. Cole couldn’t be angry at his friends either. It’s not their fault this all happened. 

He could only be angry at himself. Why did he replace Jay on the leaderboard? Why didn’t he do something to stop Jay leaving? Why didn’t he search for Jay before any of this happened at all? Why did he let Ras get away with hurting his best friend? 

With every thought, every question, he found himself growing overwhelmed, his chest rising and falling at a rapid pace. He vowed to never let himself get this upset, told himself that it wasn’t worth it, but he can’t help it. He can’t help being pissed off. He’s lost his best friend, for fucks sake. He’s lost everything he cares about and all because of what? Some stupid merged realm shit?  

His hands began glowing orange, his lava arm power growing out of control. He couldn’t do anything. His anger was getting the better of him, and as much as he knew he needed to calm down, to put that stupid controller down and go for a walk to clear his mind, he couldn’t. He couldn’t let go of it.

Lightheaded.. Panicked.. Angry.. So fucking angry…

Why did he let this happen? Why is he hurting everyone? Why can’t he just be normal and deal with it all like a normal person? Why did he have to get mad at everything? 

Why can’t Jay just come home?

His hands shake vividly, he can barely hear his own thoughts through the tornado in his mind. He can’t feel anything, he can’t think anything.. 

All he can do is scream. 

Scream so fucking loud.

He doesn’t know what else to do but throw the, now slightly melted, controller. It hit the TV at such a strong force, stronger than Cole thought he ever could, ultimately smashing the screen. It bounced off, flying across the room and hitting the wall behind him. 

Now all Cole could do was sit in shock.

Everything felt so real all of a sudden. So silent, like the world around him had stopped. 

He stared at the TV, cracked and static. Why was it scary? 

His breath was heavy, his hands and forehead dripping in sweat. His gi suddenly felt so tight. Teardrops hit his skin as he blinked.

Fuck . 

In the panic of it all, he’d completely forgotten where he was. Who he was. What he was doing. And just out the corner of his eye… he could see something green…

His head turned almost immediately, his breathing difficult, his throat so tight…

He could barely talk.

“L-” he gulped, “Lloyd-”

The green ninja stood in the doorway, like a statue. His eyes were wide with fear, staring at Cole with such… horror. 

Cole pushed himself off the couch, facing Lloyd, his chest suffocating…

“Lloyd, I’m sorry, I-”

But before he could finish his sentence, the green ninja had already left, backing out the doorway and rushing off down the corridor. 

Fuck . What had he done?

He didn’t have time to take it all in, he didn’t need it. 

Cole groaned, raising a hand to aggressively brush the hair that stuck to his forehead back. His fingers gripped his long raven hair, his breath hitching as he thought of what to do.

Except he couldn’t think. How could he? All he’d done this past week was think. Thinking was what got him into this mess. 

Without even taking a second look at the mess he’d made, he rushed out the room, his footsteps hitting the ground a lot heavier than he remembered they did. Remember… Fuck . None of this is right. What is wrong with me?

Now he was sprinting down the hall, using his muscle memory to take him somewhere, anywhere , he could calm down. Somewhere there’d be no memories to drive him fucking insane. 

All he remembered was grabbing a door handle, pushing a door open with such force that he almost stumbled over. His breath was heavy, heavier than it had ever been.. Why was his throat so fucking tight? Why was his head spinning and so light headed? It was almost as if he’d just completed a really shitty attempt at Spinjitzu.

God, the things he’d do to be back then, learning Spinjitzu for the first time…

God, the things he’d do to be anywhere but here and now.

His legs were weak, yet his knees felt so heavy. He could feel the sweat dripping from his forehead, his fringe covering his eyes so he could barely see, not that it was much of a difference from how blurry everything had become.

Why couldn’t he breathe? Why did he feel as if he no longer had a throat for air to pass through? Had his hair always touched the back of his neck like that? Was his gi always this tight?

Slamming the door, he reached to his right, his clammy hands gripping onto something smooth and cold. He pulled himself towards it, his other hand gripping tightly to the other side of it. It was a lot cooler in here than it was out there.

It didn’t take long for him to figure out he’d made it into the bathroom, and thank fuck he did. Imagine if he’d ran into one of the others like this.. No, he didn’t want to imagine that. He wanted anything but for the others to see him like… like such a distraught mess.

For a moment, he held his head over the sink, his fingers attached to the sink like his life depended on it. He took a moment to breathe, or at least try to, but no matter what he tried, it only seemed to grow harder.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he acting like this?

After struggling to remove a hand from the sink, he pulled off the top half of his gi, the colder air hitting his bare arms. Somehow he thought it’d be easier to breathe without it chafing him.

He pulled himself back towards the sink, grasping it somewhat tighter than before. He struggled to switch on the cold tap, his sweaty hands sliding off the sides of the sink to run under the water. God, it felt so good.

With much more aggression than intended, he splashed a handful of water into his face, the refreshing liquid cooling him greatly. It was definitely what he needed, although it still didn’t seem to calm him entirely. 

As his breathing finally started to ease, however still relatively heavy, he managed to raise his head, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

God, he was a wreck . His face was red and puffy, his eyes looked swollen with fear. And for the first time ever, he could really tell how much everything was truly affecting him. 

Get a hold of yourself, Cole.. you can’t let the others see you like this..

Except Lloyd had. Lloyd, the one who needed reassurance the most. He’d never acted like this, never , and for one of his longest friends to see him so… distraught by everything.. It can’t have been comforting. 

He hadn’t even acted like this when his mother died. He was upset back then. Was being a ninja what turned him into this?

He vowed to always be the rock of the team, the stable one that everyone could count on because every team - every group of friends - needed that one person who could control themself. He wasn’t supposed to need the help. He wasn’t supposed to be acting like this. His one job was to comfort everyone else and now he was just stressing them out. What help would it be if they saw the calm one panicked? 

He can’t be angry or upset, at least not in front of the others, but even when he was angry and upset alone , he’d never once acted the way he just did. He’d never gotten angry. He’d never broken something like that, or destroyed something that meant so much to others.

The last time he remembered being this upset about something was back at school. Back when he used to fight everyone for the smallest things. Back when he’d be suspended for days on end for fighting a bully. He’d get home to a lecture from his mother about how he needs to control himself, that getting angry didn’t solve anything and only hurt him more. Would she be disappointed? 

And what would Jay think? He once told Cole that his favourite thing about him was how calm and supportive he was. About how level-headed he was and how he always knew the right thing to do. How the team could always lean on him when they needed someone. What if he couldn’t do any of that? What if he was so angry at himself and the world that he couldn’t think straight? What if he’d turned into the complete opposite of what everyone loved him for? 

Knock. Knock.

He lifted his head again - he didn’t even remember lowering it - his reflection blurry, his eyes glassy with tears.

He didn’t recognise himself anymore.

“-re you okay?” he could hear a voice but it was muffled, difficult to make out. 

He could barely talk, how was he supposed to respond to them without seeming like he was completely losing it?

“I heard a loud bang, is everything alright?”

His breath hitched once again, his mind racing back to what had happened prior to him even being in here. Lloyd. The TV. The controller. Did he think nobody would find out? Why did he have to destroy the one thing everyone in this Monastery loved? The thing that Jay loved the most…

There’s a sudden ringing in his ears.

“-ole?” 

Is that Geo?

Fuck, what if Geo sees him like this? What if Geo knows what happened or saw what he’d done? He’d hate him. That’s not the Cole he loved and cared for.

He can’t lose anyone else…

Closing his eyes tight, he prayed so badly that Geo would leave. He prayed he’d wake up from whatever bad dream this was, that he’d wake up when everything was fixed and Jay was home. That Wu would be here to give him a pep-talk about how unreasonable he was being - not that Wu would ever say that.

He wished he could go back in time and change everything. Save Jay. Save that stupid TV and controller. Stop Lloyd ever seeing him losing his mind.

Why were all his worst fears coming true?

“Cole?”

He needed to respond, something, anything, to get him to leave . But his throat was still tight, and he could barely breathe as it was. He could barely think .

“Hm..” was all he managed, but it was shaky and hoarse and muffled in his own ears.

He couldn’t stay in this room forever. Perhaps if he did get a hold of himself, pretended like everything was fine, then maybe he’d go back to normal. If he went out there all happy and joyous, maybe his body would forcibly calm down. 

So he took a deep breath as best he could, doing his best to ignore his staggered breathing. If he ignored it, everyone else would too, right? He lifted himself up properly, pushed his hair out of his face and wiped his tears away. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t let them see him like this.

He was fine. It’d all be fine.

So he made his way to the door, barely able to grab the handle and pull it open. 

His eyes met Geo’s and everything he’d just promised himself had been completely forgotten. Why did seeing someone so worried about him send him back into a state of panic? 

He needed to get out of here, to get far away, somewhere quiet where he could be confused and stressed in peace. Somewhere he couldn’t hurt anyone but himself. 

Geo said something but Cole wasn’t certain what - everything had gone silent and blurry yet again. 

All he could do was shove past Geo and head down the corridor towards his room. He hoped, prayed , that Geo would drop it, that he’d leave him alone to calm down. Except he felt footsteps behind him as he walked down the corridor, his footsteps heavy on the floorboards. Was gravity always this heavy? Was that someone’s voice following close behind? 

He was too deep in thought to know what Geo was saying, or what he was doing, or where they were even going. Was this even the right way? 

He’s too focused on being okay, on being this calm, supportive friend to everyone. What if he was the one that needed the help? Who was he supposed to go to? The first person he’d usually think to talk to when things were tough was Jay and he wasn’t even here.

God, it was all his fault that he was a mess. If Jay hadn’t gone missing during the merge, none of this would be happening. He wouldn’t be going insane, he wouldn’t be hurting everyone, he wouldn’t be hurting himself. He wouldn’t be disappointing his mother or Wu.

No , what the hell is he thinking?! None of it was Jay’s fault! Why was he blaming the one person he missed the most? 

Why can’t there be a reset button on the universe? Why can’t he just start again? He could do everything differently. Never hurt the ones he loved, appreciate his mother being around more, save Jay… 

Is Jay okay? Is he scared? Is he hurt? 

No , he needs to stay calm. Focused. Where is he going again? 

God, his throat is so tight, he can’t even breathe anymore. His forehead is dripping.. Is that a hand he can feel on his shoulder?

The TV…. shit, he was in so much trouble. And the controller.. How are they gonna play video games together again? He’d just completely destroyed any recollection of Jay using that stupid, stupid controller…

The high score…. He replaced him. He replaced Jay’s highscore, one of the only things around here that still had his name on it. One of the only things remaining of the old Jay. The real Jay.

What if Jay thought Cole had replaced him with Geo? But how would he remember? He has no memories… Shit . Jay doesn’t remember him. He doesn’t remember any of their time together. None of it. None. Of. It. He was freaking out over memories Jay didn’t even have. Would he ever remember-

He was pulled back aggressively, turned around, and when his glassy, freaked out hazel eyes met petrified deep jade ones, he was finally brought back to crushing reality. There were two hands on his arms, holding him tight. 

And for the first time today, everything stopped. His mind was blank, his heart empty, his chest frozen. It was as if everything he’d just felt had vanished. 

What even just happened?

When he finally blinked, the wetness around his eyes was evident. The world had gone so quiet. So silent. Geo’s hands on him felt so… freeing? Grounding? 

But no matter, his breath was still heavy, he could feel the sweat around his temples, and all he could focus on was Geo's worried expression.

Cole never wanted him to see him like this..

“Talk to me,” and he could hear Geo so clearly.

They made their way to Cole’s room, Geo helping him sit down on the bed and calm down a minute before they got into whatever was going on. Cole had a drink of water, let his stress out, and sat on the edge of the bed, feeling nothing but defeat and sorrow.

Deliberately facing away from his photo wall, he sat with a glass of water in his hand, staring into it as if it were some kind of cure. His head was light, but this time just from how exhausted he was. He hadn’t slept in days, let alone how much this added pressure and stress was getting to his head. 

Geo sat beside him, a hand gently on Cole’s shoulder, letting him take a moment of silence before things likely got hectic again.

Just the presence of someone else made Cole feel better. Pushing all his worries aside for a moment, just to focus on his breathing, his mental state, wasn’t simple but he was lucky Geo was around to help. 

“What’s going on?” Geo’s voice was soft and gentle, quiet so as to not stress Cole any more.

For a moment, Cole considered not responding. The silence was comforting, but he knew that it couldn’t last forever. Geo was supportive, he wouldn’t judge him for the things he thought and felt. There was less pressure talking to him than there was the others because he knew he didn’t need to protect Geo from the world. He knew he had nothing to hide from him.

He took a deep, shaky breath, his eyes still fixed on the water in his now sweatless hands.

“I miss him.”

It came out breathier than intended but he really didn’t have it in him to sound perky or energetic or even try to hide the fact he was so tired. 

“I miss him a lot, Geo,” he took a staggered breath, “and I hate the person I’m becoming because of it..”

Geo didn’t say anything, giving him all the silence he needed to talk. If there was one thing Cole was grateful for, it was for being close to someone so good at listening. 

“I don’t know what to do besides research into what I can do because… all I feel is guilt. I just want to save him. I know I could’ve. I had the chance to but I didn’t.”

For a brief moment, he could feel that tight, suffocating feeling returning to his chest. His heart ached, it never stopped aching since that day at the tournament, but he never knew how to deal with it. He’d never dealt with any pain this extreme.

His next breath is sharp, his words heavier, “I don’t know what to think about it all. Because one minute I’m fine and thinking about how it’ll all be alright in the future, when he’s home and safe and has his memories back.. But then I find myself thinking about the complete opposite. If he’s okay, if we can even bring his memories back at all.. And don’t even get me started on the whole shattered soul thing.”

Geo’s grip on his shoulder became firmer, attempting to provide more comfort. 

“It’s hard, I know, but it’ll be okay. Kai and Nya will bring him home, you know they will. They’re two of the most determined people I know, besides you of course, so if anyone can bring him to his senses, it’s them. And once he’s home, you can do everything in your power to bring Jay back,” Geo reassured him, “you’ve worked so hard. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

“I just wish I wasn’t so worried about it all… and so… so angry ,” Cole sighed, “I’ve never been so angry, ever . Even the smallest things get to me. I don’t understand.”

“It’s all part of grieving,” Geo told him softly, “people feel and act in ways they never normally would. It’s not your fault.”

With that, Cole fell silent. Geo was right, he knew he was, but there was still that voice in the back of his mind telling him otherwise. He’d been telling himself that it’d all be okay continuously but now that he was finally realising that even he wasn’t okay himself, it all just began falling apart. He didn’t know what to believe anymore.

Geo was kind. He was so supportive and he was exactly who Cole needed, but sometimes even the kindest, most supportive people can still be wrong.

In the corner of his eye, he could see Geo reach into his pocket. He pulled something out but Cole didn’t really care to pay attention, especially if it wasn’t his business.

Except it was his business. 

Geo’s hand moved into view, Cole’s eyes widening at what lay in his palm. 

The one thing he needed the most, the one thing out of all of today that’d been the most important…and it was right in front of him. Fixed. As if it were brand new.

The picture of him and Jay.

“I had Zane fix it,” Geo gave Cole a reassuring smile as he took it with shaky hands, “same glass and frame.”

Cole stared at it almost in disbelief. He hadn’t seen it not-broken yet somehow he felt he had. His heart was being pieced back together and the glass layer was finally healing. For the first time in a long while, he felt… hope. 

The picture was beautiful. Without the cracks, you could really see every little detail. The bright colouring of the photo, every little hue in the bowls of noodles. Jay’s face was so clear. All his features, the happiness his expression held, his smile. Cole missed it all so dearly. He missed the way Jay’s eyes narrowed with joy when he laughed. He missed that little twinkle in his eye. He missed his dumb jokes and sassy remarks. 

Looking at such a fond memory was just enough. Sure, they still didn’t have Jay back, and they still didn’t know how to help him, but at least they had this. Memories . And at least he could still look at Jay’s smile, even if it may never return.

“I know he means a lot to you,” Geo told him softly, “and that the picture means a lot too. Just know, none of it was your fault, and there was nothing you could’ve done.”

Geo watched as Cole’s eyes glossed over, a tear falling down his cheek. He took a shaky breath, and for the first time, Geo felt Cole ease.

“And I know you want the team to see you as the foundation, but you can still show emotion, Cole. You have every right to be upset and angry and not a single one of them will hold that against you.”

Geo seemed to understand him so well. Cole didn’t have to say anything at all for Geo to know exactly how he was feeling, much like Cole did with Jay. 

He really was surrounded by the best people.

Geo’s arm wrapped around Cole’s shoulder and Cole took the opportunity to lean closer. He rested his head on Geo, taking a deep breath as he kept staring at the jewel in his hands.

He finally felt like maybe it was all gonna be okay.

“Please don’t ever feel like you have to keep your feelings to yourself,” Geo whispered into Cole’s hair with a soft smile.

They stay like that for a moment. Geo holding him close while Cole appreciated not only the picture, but the presence of someone he cared for so dearly. He vowed to never take advantage of the time he had with others again. 

Perhaps the research wasn’t going well because he was too panicked in finding something. He wasn’t looking deep enough, not reading between the lines. Looking for something so obvious wouldn’t help at all, he should’ve known that.

Maybe things wouldn’t ever be the same again, with or without Jay, and maybe that was something Cole needed to accept, but for now… he just needed to relax. To focus on himself for once. That, and those that were still here. 

After all, Lloyd needed an apology.

He didn’t know what he’d do without his friends. 

He didn’t know what he’d do without Jay . Perhaps Jay was really the one keeping him sane all along.

And maybe, just maybe.. shattered glass can be fixed.