Chapter Text
A disk labelled “LGMV-2: Gotham City Guys – By: Queen Watevra Wa'nabi Ft. Batman” fell through a strange, bricklike portal and hit robin in the face as the Batfam was headed back to the cave after a long day on patrol. Sure enough, the disk showed signs it was from another universe, but the technology they had couldn’t pinpoint where it came from in the universe.
The only thing they could do now was listen to the disk.
The group filed into the family theater, ready to learn about the strange disk that showed up, idle conversations filling the air as the batkids waited for bruce to set up the sound system to accommodate the version of disk.
Bat: I think I got it.
NW: nice! Let’s start this.
Everyone was at attention, waiting to see what kind of information the disk could bring. They weren’t ready to hear the telltale signs of a song, and a distinctly familiar voice.
Oh, great singin’, right on time.
RR: at least he knows it’s a song.
RH: I wonder if it’s a musical. Probably is. Poor other you. I can hear his sarcasm from here.
Listen, Bruce
Expectedly, the next voice was one nobody knew, and it freaked them out a little bit to know she knew Batman’s secret identity, but the group continued anyways, forcing themselves to keep calm. Whoever this queen is, she knows his identity in that universe.
RR: She could be talking to other you as a civilian. Either that or Batman probably told her. We shouldn’t be-
Who’s Bruce?
RR: Nevermind, we should be. So, she pulled a me, Bruce being batman is an open secret, or this batman isn’t Bruce.
BM: we’ll probably find out when other me does his verse.
NW: OMG we are going to hear you sing a verse?
BM: seems likely, considering the song title.
It’s nothing personal
It’s just, I’ve dated men before
And you’re just not my type (My type)
BM: Wait, what?
R: this lady was to be courting father?
RR: from the way she said it, it sounds like she’s objecting Batman’s courting.
NW: I’m imagining batman flirting with some random civilian, cowl and all.
RH: did you have to put that in my head?
BM: Let’s just… continue.
Never around during the day
Only come out at night (that’s right)
Emotionally wounded.
Dark and brooding all the time (boo hoo)
Many people held back a snort.
RH: talk about being called out.
Hangin’ around with clowns
I don’t need that in my life
BM: that’s one way to put it.
RR: she’s bringing up good points, whoever she is.
I ain’t Selina Kyle, I ain’t no Vicky Vale
RH: Damn. Shots fired.
I was never into you even
When you were Christian Bale
RH: oh, he played Jack in newsies.
RR: so, an actor?
RH: Yeah. I could see him playing batman. They look similar enough.
I’m more of a Keaton guy myself
Oh, I loved him a Beetlejuice
RR: another actor.
RH: shut up. I think the chorus is coming up.
I’m just not into Gotham City guys
Well, yeah, we’re flawed
But that’s what makes us so relatable
I’m just not into guys who can’t fly
R: She wants someone with the meta gene, then.
RR: I wonder if she’s using batman to try and set her up with someone powerful.
NW: what makes you say that?
RR: she wants someone who’s not Batman, but let batman have an audience with her enough times to make him want to be with her romantically. She probably wants to have him matchmake her into being with a popular hero. The problem with that is…
I can fly
The Batwing can fly
RR: Batman wants her himself.
R: too blinded by adoration, this alternate father is falling into her trap so well he escaped it.
Rich boys with gadgets are not my type
What’s your type?
RH: Bets on supposed type?
BM: Kryponian
R: Kryptonian
RR: Superman, specifically
NW: Lantern
…
NW: you never know!
Kryptonian men are my Krypton-ite
NW: I guess you do know.
Gross!
BM: Not what I would expect to say. Is other me emotionally compromised? Why such a negative reaction to the mere idea of it?
RH: you and superman must have had something happen to bring forth that kind of response.
BM: I wonder what.
I’m just not into Gotham City guys
So what? You’re not into me
I don’t care. But like, listen up
BM: I wonder how other me sounds when he sings.
RR: nah, he’s going to rap. More on-brand.
NW: At least he’s aware of her rejection?
You’re clearly Just confused
Gotham dudes are the best
We have deep manly voices
And insanely ripped pecks
Multiple people were laughing.
We’re Affleck-level hot
And we’re Oprah-level rich
With George Clooney-level
Charm and Vak Kilmer lips
BM: … Not expecting that, but it had good pacing.
RR: looked it up, Ben Affleck is another actor that looks like Bruce, Oprah is loaded, Clooney and Kilmer are also actors that look like Bruce to some extent.
NW: why do they keep using actors as benchmarks?
RR: That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
We worked for our powers
Cause we’re self made men
We didn’t get them from the sun
Like an entitled alien
RH: there’s a grudge there.
BM: The question is why. What makes superman “entitled”?
Go on one date with me
And you’ll change your mind
Unsubscribe
NW: He’s still in love with her. That could mean the grudge was made because of her love, like some kind of twisted love triangle she synthesized.
RR: it’s a possibility.
I’m just not into Gotham City guys
Gimmie a chance
No thank you, hard pass
BM: Okay, now he’s not respecting her boundaries.
R: What thrall does this monarch possess over my father to ensnare his adoration like so?
RR: good point, she could be a meta of some kind as well.
I’m just not into guys who don’t wear tights
BM: I’m okay with that.
NW: Didn’t we both wear tights when I was starting out as Robin?
BM: That doesn’t count.
I used to wear tights, ask Adam West.
RR: Adam West, actor who looks like Bruce during those early days.
BM: It was phrased like I both was and was not Adam West.
RR: It’s a possibility there was a multiverse incident in their universe that had included a universe where this is fiction, and therefore both had actors and the people themselves between the two.
BM: so, the open secret of identity is because there was no secret where it was fiction and the non-secrets bled into the universe where it was a secret, and other me is denying the claims as a way of keeping the norm.
RR: Exactly!
I’m looking for a husband
Someone to share my crown
And Gotham men are playboys
who would never settle down
Unlike other heroes who are strong and not afraid
Of commitment and relationships
I won’t name any names
But I’ll give you a hint
He’s made of steel
And wears a red cape
NW: this seems a bit too open for the end of a song.
RH: Wait, this unknown queen says she wants a kryptonian to be hers to wed, batman publicly hates superman, and the queen is giving batman exclusive information on how she likes superman after making the idea of marrying her incredibly appealing, yet out of reach for her and batman exclusively if she were the one to bring it up, because she likes superman and is skeptical about Batman’s commitment.
RR: yeah, she wants superman and is manipulating batman into setting them up.
RH: Shit, we fell for it too.
BM: what do you mean?
RH: we see this from the queen’s perspective in this song. She likes superman and assuming he is out of reach for some reason, batman is right there and wants to be with her, but hates committing to anything. Do you hear the contradiction?
R: Ah, Batman wants to commit, but he has no commitment.
RH: Exactly. So, let’s change the narrative a little to prevent the contradiction. Batman is only just meeting this queen and has somehow become romantically interested. The queen says she would never love him back if he doesn’t prove he can commit to their relationship, comparing his flaws to the strengths of his heroic rival he publicly despises, pressuring Bats to do something or else she gets with his rival instead. What should batman do to prevent this?
BM: Well, logically, as he is emotionally compromised, he’d probably… oh. I see the problem.
RH: yeah.
NW: what is it?
RR: She doesn’t like superman at all. She wants Batman to propose to her and is using superman as a comparison to make him jealous.
R: There seems to be more on the disk, about fifteen seconds.
BM: this is going to be bad.
Waiiiiiiitttttt! (ding)
Please marry me!
BM: Other me just… had a ring on him. He was prepared for this beforehand.
RH: Oh no.
Are you sure this is what you really want?
Yes. Marry me. And then you’ll see, I’m the best at everything, including commitment.
So, you wanna do this in, like, fifteen minutes?
Make it a quarter of an hour.
RH: Double Trouble. Who even is this queen?
A new disk was found next to the disk they just listened to.
“LGMV-2: Not Evil – By: Queen Watevra Wa'nabi Ft. Wildstyle, Batman, Benny, Metalbeard, Unikitty, and the Queen’s court”
This isn’t good.