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Now, in his entire career, Phillip Coulson had seen his fair share of weirdness. And not just regular weirdness a spy could see, robots, portals, alien princes, and magic too. So it took a lot to surprise him.
Somehow he felt that this would be part of his unofficial “Top 10 strangest things that happened”.
It started, as it sometimes did (more and more often unfortunately) with a non-identified portal spitting out a strange being. Said portal closed immediately after letting through a humanoid figure, and did not come back. They had detected a spike in unusual energy not very long before it happened (not unlike the readings of the Asgardian’s bridge, but not the same ones either), and that’s how they knew to come onsite and prepare for the arrival of a hopefully not hell-bent on planetary domination entity.
They had had time to prepare, to make a perimeter and bring back the big guns. The zone of the portal was relatively close to New York, and the Avengers that were available were there. Stark’s constant prodding and chatter was a bit annoying, but he’d be an invaluable ally in the potential conflict. Ready for a fight, or diplomacy depending on how the “visitor” acted.
They were not prepared for Charlie Slimecicle. But then again, who would be ?
The being did not step out from the portal, it was more a fall on their face, and their body seemed to jiggle with the impact. They got up, and it became apparent that the individual seemed to be some kind of gelatinous material in the approximate shape of a human. Their… skin and hair were a bright green, and looked like they were partially see through. They were wearing a simple white-ish button-up shirt and slacks, suspenders, and a thick pair of glasses covered their eyes.
They smiled brightly at the crowd surrounding them.
“Hello fellow human beings ! I appear to be lost ! Could you please point me the way toward Las Nevadas ?”
“Oh wow, is that a blob of lime jello pretending to be human ?” the agent heard Stark say.
“I am not made of jello, I am meat and bones, like everyone else ! Look !” they said, still smiling eerily brightly. Two long bones (who did look like human ones, if he wasn’t mistaken) appeared suddenly in their palms.
“Are these femurs ?” exclaimed Doctor Banner, who was standing on the side a bit farther away.
“These are some of my 300 bones !” answered the definitely non-human being.
Phil Coulson was certain that he heard a muttered “What the fuck” behind him, which, while understandable, was not professional. He’d have to talk to the agent responsible. You never knew how good the senses of an unknown identity were, and the last thing you wanted was to offend them. Especially if they understood and spoke English. (He’d say the same to Stark, but the consultant would absolutely not listen to him, so there was no point.)
“Identify yourself please,” he said with a strong and firm voice, to compensate for the distance between him and their “guest”.
“Hello Phillip Coulson from SHIELD ! People call me Charlie Slimecicle, from Las Nevadas. Do not believe the slime in my name, I am made of flesh, not goop.”
Things seemed to freeze. He had not told this “Charlie” his name, or SHIELD’s. Were they facing a potentially omnipotent entity ? Made of slime, of all things ?
“How the hell does he manage to look so… cheerful and say stuff making him sound like an alien who wants to steal your skin and pretend to be you ?” huffed Stark, a bit uneasy.
“What are your intentions toward the planet Earth ?” he asked, continuing to stay as calm and impassible as before.
“Intentions ? What is that ? What does that mean, Phillip Coulson from SHIELD ?” The entity didn’t seem to be lying about their ignorance, but you could never be sure. Identifying liars was easy when the one saying them was human ; a lot less when they were anything else.
“Do you plan to harm anyone, or to try to conquer our planet ?”
“No, why would I ?”
“I see, do-” he was interrupted by a sound that could only be described as wet and gross.
“Bleuarg” A ball of slime the size of a hand detached itself from Slimecicle’s leg (apparently not bothered by the cloth of the pants, and just oozing through them), and rolled a bit away from them. It was wiggling.
“Oh gods, what the fuck is this. Is this puke ? Did the alien puke ?” said Stark in the background. He sounded both disgusted and fascinated. After a beat, the being took a step toward the sludge, and reabsorbed it into their body. There was a silence, where they waited for Slimecicle to maybe explain, or make a comment, but they didn’t.
“Alright,” sighed heavily Phillip Coulson, “Alright. I am going to have to ask you to come with us. Please do not make any threatening action, or try to harm our agents. Otherwise we will be forced to retaliate.”
From their expression, it looked like Slimecicle did not understand most of the meaning of the sentences, there was a slightly vacant look in their eyes. Despite that, they nodded agreedably, and made no move to protest when two heavily armed agents started to direct them toward the jet that would take them to the Helicarrier.
They did ask their guard to “Dap me up !” while presenting their palm to them (was it some kind of greeting where they were from ?) and pouted a bit when no one took them up on it. Each of their steps made a wet, slurping sound. Sometimes, slime dripped from their limbs and fell on the ground. Said little pieces of slime didn’t stop moving when dropped, and some of them slithered back into them. Unsettling.
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Charlie had no idea who these humans were, but they sure were welcoming ! They had led him into a nice small room with only a table and two chairs, and dim lights. He only wished there’d be a nice dark and damp hole, for a proper hole hello, but maybe he’d make one himself later.
A red haired human came into the room, and sat in front of him (could this be… a woman ? How cool! Women were rare on the server. Would she be like Niki from the Syndicate, or perhaps like Puffy from Snowchester ? He had never really talked to them before, one watched them from afar as he did with everyone, but they had seemed nice).
He greeted her with a smile, and showed her his palm “Dap me up !” he asked. This was how you greeted people, and he was trying to be polite, he was a guest after all ! Maybe they would help him get back to Las Nevadas ? He didn’t want his best friend Quackity to be too worried, the duck hybrid human didn’t like it when he disappeared without a warning for too long, even if it was just to goop in a hole for a few days.
The woman did not dap him up, but this was fine, he was used to it. (Natasha Romanov from SHIELD whispered the Earth, sending him snapshots of her life. He didn’t understand most of it, human customs were weird and for most of them she wasn’t talking in a language he understood, but he saw that she was strong and could fight very well. Impressive !)
“Now, Charlie Slimecicle, is that right ?” she asked in a kind voice. She was moving her eyelids a lot. Was there something stuck in her eyes ? He hoped not, this sounded uncomfortable ! (Especially when the thing stuck was a pickaxe, but it didn’t look like it was the case here.)
“Yes, I am ! And you are Natasha Romanov, from SHIELD ! Are you a spy like me ? Are you spying on me ?” asked Charlie, not noticing how her “warm” smile almost became strained before her mask was back on.
“That’s right. May I ask how you know ? I did not tell you, and I do not think anyone else did. You also knew Agent Coulson’s name without anyone giving it to you. Do you possess some kind of telepathy ?”
“Telepathy ? What is that ? I have gloop, if you want, and some diamonds, but I can’t give you these unless you want a loan,” he answered. He may have observed human society for a looong time, but he only got to interact with it recently, so many things were still foreign to him.
“Telepathy is the name of a power that lets you read people’s minds. So they might learn how said people feel, what they are thinking about, or what their names are,” explained the nice lady.
“This telepathy sure sounds incredible ! But I don’t think I have it. Do you have telepathy Natasha Romanov from SHIELD ? Can you read my mind ? Do I have a mind ? I have multiple brains you know, so many brains. I can give you one if you want to read it.”
“That won’t be necessary, thank you. I am not a telepath. Now, can you answer a few questions about yourself ? You’ve said you were named Charlie Slimecicle, and you are from a place named Las Nevadas, am I wrong ?” she asked, with an increasingly long-suffering expression. Well, it was only visible if you knew her very well, most people would not notice her growing frustration.
“That’s right ! For a while, people kept calling me “Guy” or “Slime”, and I am a guy and not a slime, but after a while they gave me my name ! Charlie Slimecicle ! I live in Las Nevadas, with Quackity from Las Nevadas, my best friend and my boss. He taught me a lot of things like the economy, gambling, and tolls. If I am not in Las Nevadas, but in a new country, do I have to pay a toll ?”
“I do not believe so, no. Could you tell me more about Las Nevadas ?” she answered.
“Las Nevadas ? It’s a nation in the desert ! There are things like a big glowy sign, a big fountain, a huuge casino where you can gamble, a very tall tower you’re not allowed to jump from, places to get food, and a strip club. And the Boss is Quackity from Las Nevadas ! He built the country after L’Manberg exploded again.” There, he paused, to think a bit more about what made Las Nevadas special. “Oh, and we’re not a government, so the anarchists like Technoblade and Philza from the Arctic Commune don’t come and try to stab us in the chest.” Nodded Charlie, a hand under his chin.
“So Las Nevadas is a nation without a government, led by someone named Quackity. And it doesn’t have many buildings, other than a casino, a tower, and shops ? It sounds like it is quite small.”
“That’s right ! But we’re not all that small ! We have Foolish from the desert and the sea to help us build. Foolish is very tall.” He paused again, a big grin still on his face. “It looked like the mystery place I ended up after the portal thingie is verrrry big ! Is it a country ? A commune ? Has it been blown up before ?”
“Ah, the location you arrived in is a country we call the United States or America. We are currently in a city. As for whether it has been blown up before, I believe we can say it has not, though we have been attacked in the past, and people have tried to.”
“Make sure no one buries hundreds of TNT under the city then ! Or try to blow it up from the sky ! People get sad when you do that.” said the human-shaped slime being, looking directly in her eyes, his wide grin never wavering.
Suddenly, from his pocket came a loud beeping. He pulled his communicator out of his pocket. The sound seemed to hurt Natasha’s ears, which wasn’t surprising since it was at its loudest setting. Sometimes Quackity used that function to find where Charlie was hole-ing.
To his surprise, the screen wasn’t lighting up with the nice poker themed picture that came up when his boss was calling. No, instead it was glowing a deep red, and he could see a golden apple and a white ram skull in front of the ominous background.
Natasha was standing up, but she didn’t seem like she wanted to chat anymore, which was just fine for Charlie ! He pressed the answer button.
“Hey Charlie, get your ass over there ! You like guns, right ?” boomed a deep voice.
“Schaltt ! Oh boy, do I !” cheered Charlie, very enthusiastically.
A literal summoning portal appeared underneath his feet, and sucked him into the ground with a loud slurping sound. The portal disappeared as fast as it had arrived, and left on the ground only a few drops of potentially hazardous green slime.
Natasha and a good amount of the agents who had interacted with the strange being decided to go have a drink once the mountain of paperwork who’d be generated by this incident was done.