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Dearest Crowley,
It has been some months since we last were together spent time spoke corresponded. And for that, I apologize profusely, as the duties of Supreme Archangel have kept me more than occupied. But having found a spare moment at last, I thought it would be courteous to attempt to reach out as a first effort to lay the foundations for “mending our fence”, so to speak.
Please do feel free to update me on how you are holding up, when it is convenient, of course. It would be lovely to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Supreme Archangel Aziraphale
Hey,
Glad you finally wrote. Been busy. Decided I needed some excitement in my life, so I started picking up some chicks. The ladies get pretty loud when I give them what they want, but I’m getting used to being mobbed nowadays. Nice change of pace and all.
Cheers,
Crowley
My Dear Crowley,
Well, that is… unexpected news. It is uncanny unexpected to hear that you have decided to pursue this new [unintelligible inkblot] hobby. Of course, it would not be my place to criticize your new life choices after our unseemly unfortunate misunderstanding. But do consider the ramifications of such flagrant behavior carefully, especially if you are keeping company with those of lower social status.
Kindest regards,
Supreme Archangel Aziraphale
Your Supreme Archangelness,
Loud and clear. Gonna be a bit busy, as my ladies and me are househunting for better accommodations. Picked up a few more and I didn’t have room for all of them to get their own space without a few scuffles. Too eager to get laid and all. Anyway, looking at a nice cottage with extra space for everyone, prolly be a bit before I next have time and energy for you.
Most Sincerely ,
A lowly demon
Attn: Crowley
Oh come now, Crowley. You didn’t have to be so rude! I heard that sarcasm. No need to have a tizzy when I was simply urging you to be careful of hussies companions who would take advantage of you. But alas, it seems too late for that. In case it isn’t, please reconsider whether you are at a place in your new rebound complex relationship dynamics to make this large step. Buying a cottage? For your harem multitude of companions? So soon? Really, my dear. You have always moved too quickly, but this is ridiculous.
Concerned,
Supreme Archangel Aziraphale
P.S. It is not my choice to sign my name with my proper title. The letters are all stamped that way whether I want it or not. And they can be misdelivered if not addressed correctly. So stop being snippy.
Dear Crowley,
It has been some months since I last heard from you. I apologize for the tone of my last missive; it had been a trying day in Heaven and not at all because of your outrageous decision and I did not have adequate time to reflect and revise as I usually do. It still concerns me that you are making such a large decision for an association of humans who may not have your best interests at heart. Please do remember how relationships between ethereal beings and humans turned out. You were once an angel, and I do not know what consequences there could be for such dalliances.
Please do let me know you’re okay at least. I miss It would put my mind at ease knowing you were in satisfactory condition.
Yours Eternal Compatriot,
Supreme Archangel Aziraphale
P.S. Trying a new thing - did the cross-out work?
Oh hey Aziraphale,
Long time no write. Sorry ‘bout that. Yeah, me and my girls moved into the new place — nice and roomy, good plot of land. Enough for me to set up more living quarters for a few more girls who joined us. Veritable village we got going on. Even got some kids now, with a few more on the way. Busier than ever now thanks to them -- would eat me out of house and home if I let them. But I have big plans for them — they’re growing bigger each day and hopefully will stop screaming me out of bed. Still not used to the smell though. Never a dull moment with so many depending on me; feels nice for a change.
Unbunch your knickers, your Holiness. I’m living my best life. You should too.
Cheers,
Daddy Crowley
Crowley,
Of all the…! This is exactly what I warned you about! Offspring? With humans? I am surprised that no notices have appeared yet in Heaven about this. I do not know what shenanigans you undertook to keep them hidden, but in that case, why would you so blatantly tell me about them in an unsecured letter?
I really don’t know what to say. Convention is to congratulate you on your… growing family, I suppose. Though it does still seem quite unconventional. Not that I would judge your lifestyle choices; it is the modern era, after all. I must admit I am somewhat curious about how your family is organized, and how tasks are divided. But please do not feel obligated to respond quickly as you clearly have your hands full.
It does look like I could schedule a visit in the near future to see youcheck on the bookshop and surrounding areas… for a refresher on Earthly matters, of course. If there is a date in the near future that would be convenient for you and your family, it would be most propitious, as I would like to offer a blessing for their continued health. I hope that could make up for my ghastly reactions earlier.
Resigned Respectfully Yours,
Supreme Archangel Aziraphale
Hey Angel,
Sure! It’d be great to have a visit. As for how busy I am, let me tell you. The girls just do their fabulous job laying for me, then eat and shit the rest of the time when they’re not sleeping. The kids, well, when I don’t have to keep them locked up so they don’t escape on me, are starting to earn their keep when I rent them out to the neighbors. They really are growing up quickly. Kind of miss when they were little and cute, so I’m thinking of getting a few more since they’re in such demand with the neighbors, who get a lot of use out of them.
Anytime after the next month would be great! One of the girls… well, she isn’t doing so great right now. So I need to spend some extra time with her to get her back into laying condition. Otherwise, she might just end up in the soup.
Cheers,
Crowley
Dear Mr. Crowley,
Hi! It’s Muriel. Mr. Supreme Archangel Aziraphale asked me to write this to you, as he said he has become unwell. Which is kind of off, since in Heaven you can’t get sick. But he seemed pretty upset after your last letter. He kind of made funny sputtering sounds and his face turned red, then he stormed off saying a lot of bad words.
I am not sure what this is all about, but he seemed upset about how you were treating your sick wife and children. Said something about sending some sort of services… “protective” I think? Which is very strange, since you didn’t tell me you got married or had children. But if I missed it, I read that I am supposed to congratulate you, so, “Congratulations!”
By the way, the eggs you have been sending have been delicious! I discovered a new way to prepare them — leaving them in boiling water for 6 minutes! Aren’t you proud of me? And the goat milk soap has been fantastic too — it smells very nice, and the customers who want to buy books seem a little less disappointed when they can give me their money for the soaps instead. Do you think they read the soaps just as they do books? Or maybe just put them on shelves like Mr. Azir Supreme Archangel Aziraphale would? Anyway, I’m glad to hear that your hen Jemima got better! I know she is your favorite.
Maybe you could send a get well basket to Mr. Supreme Archangel Aziraphale with some soaps and eggs? That might make him happy and help him feel better.
Bye now!
Muriel
Supreme Dumbass,
It’s a farm, Angel.
-C