Work Text:
Darcy stared at the latest section of the form she was working on. She wondered, not for the first time, what the hell was wrong with these people.
"You guys just put this part in to see if I was actually paying attention," Darcy snorted.
The agent who was overseeing Darcy’s SHIELD Consultant Intake Form Filling Out Process raised an eyebrow. She'd give Agent Cueball credit, he gave pretty good Bland Face, but he was no Agent Ipod Thief.
"What section are you having a problem with Miss Lewis?"
"Why in the Nine Realms does SHIELD need me to name someone I'm comfortable quote/unquote ‘engaging in sexual intercourse with in the event of an emergency’? What possible kind of emergency would require me to screw my way out of it?"
Agent Cueball couldn't stifle an exasperated sigh. Score one for Darcy.
"Miss Lewis, the section on Designated Consent is for your protection. In the event of an emergency where you are otherwise incapable of giving your consent, we already have in writing who your preferred partner is."
Darcy gave him back her version of Unimpressed Face. "You can't be serious."
"If you aren't already in a relationship, there would be no one who can legally assist you. Therefore, we feel it's prudent to have it on record in advance."
Now Darcy gave him her Holy Shit You ARE Serious Face. “What. ...You know what, no. I don’t want to know. I still maintain that you people are out of your minds. Seriously dude, there comes a point where you pass Properly Paranoid and drive right into Tin Foil Hat Wearing Bat Shit Insanity.”
“Miss Lewis, be that as it may, you are still required to fill that section out.”
“Fine. I can play Ridiculous Bullshit AND I can play it better than you.” Darcy proceeded to fill in the offending section and then handed the page to Agent Not As Cool As Coulson with a glare. “Here. Is that satisfactory?”
Agent No Fun stared at what she’d written for a full three minutes before he finally mustered up the ability to answer. When he did, Darcy finally got what the phrase 'utterly flabbergasted' sounded like in real life. Score two for Darcy.
“Five? Really?”
“What!? If I have to give prior consent for someone to bone me, what if said person can’t consent because they’re in this fictional insanity with me and I’m not on THEIR list? Technically I’d be taking advantage of them. That would be wrong. So I thought, I’ll put down two, but what if both of THEM are in there with me? OR what if they're just busy on the other side of the planet and can't reach me in time? So yeah. Five.”
Agent Darcy Didn’t Like Him Enough To Remember His Name gaped at her for another two minutes before finally deciding, “I can’t even find fault with that line of logic. I do think that two of your choices are lacking the ...uh… proper equipment for this kind of emergency.”
“EXCUSE ME, how fucking misogynistic and heteronormative of you! You’ve never heard of a dildo? And there’s always fisting. And another thing, what the hell do you people do for queer agents in that case? Are you forcing them to go against their sexual preferences? Because let me tell you something…”
“You know what, no. Never mind. Let’s just move on to the next section and get this over with. Please.”
Darcy smiled smugly. Darcy 1,000; Agent Cueball 0.
“OK, spill,” Jane demanded after listening to Darcy recount that afternoon’s events, “Who’s on your list?”
Darcy took a sip of her drink before answering. After dealing with Agent No Fun all afternoon she’d decided she deserved a pitcher of margaritas. Naturally Jane had to come. Partly because it was her fault Darcy needed to be a Registered SHIELD Consultant in the first place, and also because she needed someone to bitch to about it.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t pick Thor. Although, if you guys ever decide you want to have a threesome, I was here first and I will totally respect you in the morning. AND I won't try to hijack your relationship. Unless you decide you do want to run away with me after all.”
“Duly noted,” Jane snorted.
“Ok so, Number 5: That Hot STRIKE guy with the Voice.”
“Mm, yeeeeaaaah good choice. I bet he gives great Dirty Talk.”
“I know right? Anyway. Number 4: Clint. I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t drunk happened yet, honestly.”
“Isn’t he whatevering with Nat?” Jane mused before popping a nacho in her mouth.
“If he isn’t, than he’s a moron. Number 3: Steve. Mostly because I think he’d get all red, and I wanna see if the blush goes all the way down.”
“That is terrible, yet brilliant.”
“It’s because I’m terrifyingly brilliant. Speaking of, Number 2 was Pepper.”
“Really?”
“Janey, have you seen Pepper? She’s the most competent person I’ve ever met. She eviscerates men in 5 inch heels and puts up with Tony’s bullshit without breaking a sweat. I mean, I thought about Tony for a second but, no. He’d be smug about it for the rest of Ever. Then I thought about Tony AND Pepper for a second, but again, Tony doesn’t need the ego boost. Pepper meanwhile, I can totally see not being weird about it after.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask who Number 1 is now.”
“Nat of course.” Darcy stated matter of factly, and then she helped herself to Jane’s nachos.
“Oh yes, of course.” Jane rolled her eyes.
“Shut up. You’ve seen her in that sexy spy suit. And yknow, what if it didn’t work? I can think of worse ways to go than between her thighs.”
“Darcy, your brain is a frightening place.” Jane shook her head at her friend.
“Yeah totally. You should have seen the guy SHIELD sent over to make me fill that crap out. He was a gibbering mess after I was done with him.”
Jane’s only response was to bury her face in her hands.
Darcy 1,000,000; Everyone Else, 0