Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

You wake up as suddenly as you’d fainted. Your eyes snap open, sunlight filtered through the trees replaced by the dimly lit ceiling of a home. The room is dark. The light comes from the sliver of hallway you can see through the open door. You’re in Toriel’s house, resting in the room that was once Asriel and Chara’s. You’re safe.

Your groan softly and settle back on the pillow. Your head feels like it was split open and poorly sewn back together. Close by you hear voices speaking. Familiar ones that send a warm tingle of anticipation down your spine. You want to see the people that they’re attached to, to really let the fact that you’re all alive and safe sink in.

But for now, you close your eyes and focus on the memories bouncing around your skull. Flowey, Brandon, Asriel, the rest of the kids… Gaster, Sans, Asgore. You have more memories and thoughts than you really know how to sort through, and your head feels like it’s stuffed to the brim. There’s too much there to put this off. For what feels like hours but might only be a few minutes you pull your own memories apart from everyone else’s.

“You know, they’d probably appreciate it if you let them know you’re still alive. You really worried your sister there.”

You’re so lost in your thoughts that for a moment, you think the voice you hear is your own. When you realize it wasn’t you startle, heart pounding. You know the voice and when you look over you can see her purple eye lights staring at you from her spot on the bed opposite yours.

“Holy fucking hell Averia! How long have you been there?” you demand.

“The entire time. Don’t play with venomous snakes kid.” She sounds amused.

You groan. “Nearly gave me a heart attack. Why’re you in here, anyways?”

Whatever Averia’s reply is, it’s cut off by the sound of footsteps running through the hallway. The door opens with a smack before it collides with the wall behind it. A figure rushes through and throws itself onto you. Her arms wrap around your back as yours hold onto her waist. You can feel her tears on your shoulder.

“Hey Fer,” you whisper into her hair.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” she says, voice breaking. “I thought…. I thought you weren’t coming back.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know, I think you owe a lot of people a lot of apologies, ______.”

Your jaw very nearly hits the floor as Abe enters the room just behind your sister, turning on the light as he does so. You feel like you’ve just been caught by your kindergarten teacher doing something you weren’t supposed to.

“Why are you…? What is he…?”

Ferrin seems to understand you unfinished questions. “He pulled me over on my drive here.”

“Broke at least three laws doing it too,” Abe confirms. “But considering I did die I think I’ll let myself off the hook this time.”

“You WHAT?!”

“Ow! Christ, sib, that’s my ear,” Ferrin says, wincing as she pulls back.

“I died. Asriel destroyed the entire town. Killed most of us while he was at it.”

“Wait, you know who Asriel is?” you ask.

“We were trying to explain everything while you were passed out. We had to go from the beginning, so we only just got to the part where you died to get us out of that hallway.”

“Right,” you say, looking away. “That.”

Small fingers pull on your sleeve. You look down to see Frisk. Chara says not to beat yourself up about it. Everyone important has already forgiven you.

“Everybody import- ? Ah,” you say. The voices of your monster friends outside are silent, but none of them have walked into the room to greet you just yet. “They’re mad, aren’t they?”

“No! Just…” Ferrin sighs. “Sans. Papyrus said he wants to talk to you but he’s not angry.”

“Sans… Well. I got the impression he wasn’t thrilled with me.”

Chara says you shouldn’t care about his opinion. I think you guys should kiss and make up. Frisk pauses. Chara says that's gross.

You frown. “Kiddo, why are you speaking for Chara? Are they okay?”

Frisk nods. They’re fine. They just feel bad about using so much of my determination before.

“Does the determination use carry over resets?”

No. They’re just being silly.

I am not!

Frisk grins. Hi, Chara.

What are you- You did that on purpose!

Yes.

Frisk’s hands stop spelling out the words but you can tell they’re still talking to Chara by the distant look in their eyes.

“You know he doesn’t have any right to be angry, right?” Ferrin asks suddenly.

“I mean-”

“Nope,” she interrupts. “You saved all of us and if he says anything I’ll deck him. Wait. I can’t deck him, can I?”

“Not really. It’d be more like murder.”

Ferrin frowns. “Well that sucks. What if he does something to deserve being punched?”

“You already forget the last time you hit someone?”

“You mean when I hit you?”

“You hit- ? Oh. Right. I actually forgot you did that.”

“You deserved it.”

“Probably.”

“Which, by the way, is why I haven’t hit you this time. Last time felt like you were an idiot and forgot about me. This time you were still an idiot but you were trying to do the right thing.”

“I don’t know that it’s enough to ‘try’.”

Ferrin shrugs as best she can with her arms around you. “I think it is.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“I still accept your apology.”

You feel Frisk’s gaze on you as they return from their conversation with Chara. “Hey, Chara? I didn’t get a chance to say this before, but thank you for bringing me back. I don’t think I could’ve done that on my own.”

It wasn’t that big a deal. They sound embarrassed.

“It was. Thank you.” You try to inject every ounce of the sincerity you feel into your words.

Chara just mutters in response. You catch something that might be a ‘You’re welcome’.

You’re trying to convince yourself that embarrassing the kid further wouldn’t be very kind when a quiet knock sounds from the direction of the door. Toriel is standing there, smiling at the scene before her.

“It looks as though you are feeling better,” she says.

“I don’t remember much before I passed out, but I’m sure I am. Thank you for healing me and bringing me here Toriel,” you say.

“Yes, well, I can take credit for the healing but I am afraid I did not bring you here. I thought it unlikely you had walked here…”

“What?”

“I was on my way to the entrance to the surface when I found you and Averia just outside of the cave my home is in. She has already informed me that she has no memory of arriving here. I suppose one of the other monsters in the Ruins must have brought you here.”

That doesn’t sound likely, but you can’t come up with a better explanation. “Right. Anyways, thanks for the help.”

She looks as though she’s going to say something before she changes her mind and looks at Averia. “Are you feeling better as well?”

“Yeah. Thanks again for the emergency healing.”

“It was no trouble. Would more visitors be a burden for either of you? We thought you might like a few minutes to speak with Ferrin alone, ______.”

“Nah, more visitors is fine,” you say.

“I don’t mind either,” Averia says.

Toriel heads back to the living room and you try to brace your tired self for whatever is coming next. Toriel enters first, followed by Papyrus, who closes the door behind him.

Papyrus responds to the room’s confused looks by saying, “Sans has… stepped outside for a bit. He should return soon! Or perhaps later. He was not particularly clear.”

That sort of hurts, but it’s probably better than him yelling at you. Even though you’re pretty sure he wouldn’t do that.

Toriel announces that she needs to check on your progress towards recovery. As she looks to see how you’re responding to her healing from earlier everyone tries to ignore that Sans is absent. It’s awkward though appreciated.

“I wonder if anyone’s noticed we’re gone yet?” Ferrin asks.

“I really hope not,” you say with a frown. You need at least one more day to do what needs to be done.

“The other officers are going to kill me when I get back. I didn’t even leave them a voicemail or anything. I hope they haven’t sent out search parties,” Abe says. He looks genuinely worried at the possibility.

“We’ll be back up on the surface soon. We could go do it now, actually,” Ferrin says, surprised at the realization.

“Well….” you trail off as they look at you. Ferrin looks suspicious.

“Well what?” she asks.

“We’re not done down here yet. There are three- no, four more things we have to get done.”

“What the hell could be left?”

“For one, we need to find Gaster.”

How are we supposed to do that? The glitch things are gone. I checked.

“Chara, Frisk, question for you.” You swing your legs out of bed, dizzy for a moment before your vision clears. “Have you ever met a sort of melted looking version of him by going through a doorway in Waterfall?”

Yes, but only once or twice, Frisk signs. How do you plan to get him to come out?

“For that, we’ll need the other souls. Everyone but Brandon. We can force the door to appear.”

“What about Flowey?” Ferrin asks.

“If he was going to cause trouble he’d be doing it already. I think he’s still being affected by the merge with the souls. That should last long enough for me to do this.” You hope.

“And what happens when you do find Gaster?” Averia asks. “Are you looking to fight a dead man? Why bother?”

“I’m not looking for a fight, though it might come to that. I want a few more answers out of him. And after that… I’m not one hundred percent sure,” you confess. It’s not exactly a lie. You want to try your plan out before you tell anyone about it. The disappointment would crush Frisk and Toriel.

“So you want to put yourself in harms way. Again,” Ferrin says flatly.

“No! With the others, we’re more powerful than he is. Even if he wants to fight us he doesn’t stand a chance.”

“How can you possibly know that?” she asks.

“He wasn’t powerful enough to manipulate our world precisely and he needed our souls to be able to reset. With all of our souls together we could eventually have done everything he did.”

“Are you sure? Absolutely sure?”

“Yes. Fer, I promise you I am not risking my life.”

“Why do it at all? He’s a liar. Whatever answers he gives you are suspect,” Averia points out.

“I know, but I think it’s the only way to end this. The River Person told Mae what their prophecy meant. This - the resets, the deaths, the past that haunts us - none of it ends until the underground is empty once and for all. That means Gaster. Chara. Flowey. They’re the only ones who haven’t ever really left the underground. We have to fix that.”

“The River Person isn’t a prophet,” Averia says. “What do you mean their prophecy?”

“The one that lead to the creation of the Delta Rune. I don’t remember it word for word,” you say.

“‘The Angel, one who has seen the surface, will return. And the underground will go empty.’ It was first heard only a few months after we were locked down here, but I never heard anyone tell who made it,” Toriel says.

Averia frowns. “That doesn’t sound half as nice as what _____ is saying. ‘Empty’ could mean a lot of things.”

“It could. In this case, it’s going to mean that everyone is out there enjoying the sunlight,” you insist.

“Okay. Fine, sounds great. How exactly do we accomplish that?” Averia asks, skeptical.

“Like I said, step one is getting those souls.”

“Asgore’s gonna love that.”

“He’ll get over it.”

“He will,” she agrees, moving to stand up. She staggers before regaining her feet. “I’m coming along to see it. And watch you beat sense into my brother. And make sure you don’t die on us.”

The offer seems… genuine? You’re not sure how to reply. “What the hell happened while I was gone?”

“I told you, she’s my aunt now. Yours too I guess,” Ferrin says.

“I don’t think that’s how this works. In fact, I’m positive.”

“Monster law is different, duh. Right Aunt Averia?”

Ferrin looks downright mischievous, and Averia’s face is flushed as she rubs the back of her neck. You’re so confused.

“I’m so confused. But it isn’t like our family can get any more dysfunctional. Welcome aboard, Aunt Averia.”

Averia looks at you in shock while Ferrin snickers. She then rolls her eye lights and mutters something about ‘weird ass kids’ before speaking to the room at large. “So. We need souls, right? Let’s go get them.”

“Oh no you do not,” Toriel says sternly. She gently but firmly presses Averia back into bed. “The both of you are going to rest. Averia, you were mere hours from falling down. And you, _______! Your soul and mind have yet to reconcile the events of your last - reset, was it? You need to allow yourself to heal.”

“Toriel, I need to do this soon. Those kids deserve to go free, don’t you think? We can’t just leave them in those glass containers.”

Toriel bites her lip as she thinks. “Very well. I understand your urgency. I will still request that you wait one night before you begin your journey to ‘empty the underground’ however.”

You want to object, but you’re not actually sure that you could make it to the door by yourself much less walk to Waterfall and then to Hotland as you are. “Alright. I’ll rest for today but after that you’ve got to let me go do this.”

“I will allow you to leave tomorrow morning. For now, let me get the both of you something to eat.” Toriel leaves, shutting the door behind her gently.

“So… you want to do something with Gaster, Chara and Flowey. What’s the fourth thing?” Ferrin asks.

You sigh. “In Alphys’ labs, there are these things called Amalgamates. They’re what happens when you give a monster injections of determination - they melted, and accidentally melted into each other. I want to see if we can’t separate them. Maybe Alphys can give us some pointers.”

“Alphys injected monster souls with determination?” Averia asks, aghast.

“She didn’t know what was going to happen,” you add quickly. “The monsters had already fallen down. She thought it might save their lives since it’s done the same for humans.”

“Fucking hell… I guess that’s what happens when your next generation can’t learn from the ones before it. They end up making our same stupid mistakes.”

“Somebody tried it before?” Ferrin asks.

“Yeah. Plenty of human sorcerers and monster soul scientists that had more resources and ambition than basic decency. And no kid. We never managed to get the souls separated. Most of the time the families were just happy to have their relatives back. Near as we could tell the merged souls lived happy lives.”

“Well that’s good news for if this fails,” you say. “I’ve just got to try at least.”

“Be careful. We managed to dust a few trying the same thing,” she warns.

“I will be.”

Toriel returns a moment later with two steaming bowls. She cheerily declares that the soup should help the two of you recover your energy before giving a stern warning that if you begin to feel like you’re getting feverishly warm - apparently a symptom of magic ‘poisoning’ caused by ingesting too much of another’s magic - you will tell her. The meat is… very chewy. You do not think about the fact that you’re almost certainly eating snails.

“Thanks, Toriel. It was great,” you say. It was, as long as you didn’t think too hard about the snail meat. You hand the bowl back to her and yawn, eyelids heavy.

“You look tired,” Ferrin notes.

“I am,” you say through another yawn.

“If we leave you by yourself are you going to try leaving again?” She’s only half joking.

“I won’t. Don’t worry. It was a bad idea, I just- I’m not really thinking straight. Sort of scrambled up here,” you say, gesturing tiredly towards your head.

“Then you should rest!” Papyrus declares. “And we should allow you to do so!”

“Wait, I wanted to spend some more time- Oof. Alrighty then. See you, ______,” Ferrin says, waving over Papyrus’ back as he carries her, slung over his shoulder, out the door.

Abe looks after them, amused. “You all made some interesting friends here. Nice people, even if they spend half their time talking about things I don’t understand.”

“Sorry about the remembering thing. The person that we were when we reset wanted to make it so only the people who had to would know what had happened, but we couldn’t actually figure out how to do it. They figured it would be fine either way.”

“See, that’s what I mean about talking about things I don’t understand,” Abe says, shaking his head. “But apology accepted. I’m just glad I’m not sitting at home with my head in my hands thinking that Ferrin had gone off to recover your corpse and died herself.”

You wince. “I get it if you don’t believe me but I’m sorry for that too. I wasn’t thinking when I climbed that mountain.”

“I know you weren’t or you’d have realized your sister would drive herself insane trying to find you. Or that I would be hiking around the base of the mountain afraid I might find you.” Abe looks down at your remorseful expression and smiles reassuringly. “You’re not a bad person. You’ve done a lot of good here and I’m glad to consider you my friend. But you don’t think about yourself near often enough and it hurts you and the people who care about you. Take us into consideration next time you pull a stunt like this.”

You hesitate, trying to put your thoughts into the words that you need. “I understand how much I hurt everyone. I had this idea in my head of some dumb noble sacrifice shit… I fucked up. Bad.”

“You know, I don’t know a single person who wouldn’t prefer a living hero over a dead one. You messed up and you’ve owned up to it. Forgive yourself and move forward instead of beating yourself up over it. And next time, choose to live for the people you care about instead of dying for them.”

You snort. “Me, a hero?”

“You saved all of us, didn’t you?”

“Well, sure, but-”

“No buts. We all owe you for what you did. So long as you know it wasn’t the way we would’ve prefered, let’s forgive everybody and look forward to tomorrow.”

“Right. Thanks, Abe.”

“Thank you. Now, get some rest,” he says, walking out and closing the door softly behind him.

“He’s right you know,” Averia says.

“I know. He’s a good man and a better friend.”

“Good. Then let me throw in my two cents. Sometimes it’s harder living for someone than it is dying for them. In the end, it’s worth it.”

“You know that from personal experience?”

“Yup.”

Way to overstep boundaries, _______. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s fine. I knew a lot of people who died in that war. Or they’ve died since then. Some of them didn’t die to enemies. Or allies, for that matter. So I get it.”
“Did you ever- Sorry, that was out of line. Forget I asked.”

A beat of silence, then, “Yeah. A few times. But if I gave up there was nobody to replace me.”

“Nobody is replaceable.”

“Nope. They aren’t,” she agrees easily.

It feels like there might be more to say, but the words are playing leapfrog in your head instead of ordering themselves into neat rows and you’d hate to interrupt them.

“Well,” you say, yawning, “I appreciate everyone giving me the ‘please don’t ever do that again’ talks but they’re draining as hell. I’m going back to sleep.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Ferrin wakes you up later for dinner, which turns out to be snail pie. It’s chewier than you’d like but not as bad as you’d feared. You’d probably get used to it pretty quickly if you had to keep eating it but you’re still glad that you only have one, maybe two more days in the underground. Nobody mentions that Sans has yet to return but his absence leaves an uneasy air over dinner that not even Papyrus’ unwavering attempts to cheer everyone up can ease. He also informs you that he’s spoken with Undyne over the phone and there’s been no sign of Flowey anywhere. They’ve still got everyone on alert around the souls until you get there though. Asgore’s already given you advance permission to use the souls to break the barrier and attempt to find his errant ex-Royal Scientist. Papyrus had chosen not to mention the Amalgamates, which is probably for the best.

You volunteer to do dishes over everyone’s protests, reminding them that you aren’t physically injured. You spend a minute just letting the warm water wash over your skin and run in rivulets down your palm to your fingers before getting to work. You place to dishes on the drying rack to get to later. A few minutes in, footsteps behind you tell you that someone has joined you. You keep washing, saying, “Hey, if I’m in the way I’ll move.”

“You are not in my way,” Papyrus says. “I am here to help you.”

“Oh. You don’t have to do that, I can finish it on my own.”

“It is no trouble,” he says, stepping up next to you and beginning to dry and put away the dishes you’ve finished.

An uneasy sense of weight fills the kitchen. As you hand off a large sauce pan to Papyrus, you speak. “Ferrin said you’ve got something to talk to me about.”

“That is correct.” He doesn’t seem inclined to continue.

“Well, if you’ve got something to say this’s a good time to do it. Not that you have to.”

A long pause as Papyrus finds the other saucepans and puts the freshly washed one in with them. “I believe I remember telling you that you were not to hurt my brother.”

“Or else you’d be disappointed. I remember. For what it’s worth, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I thought I was… I don’t know, saving you guys.”
“I know your intentions were noble. Which is why I am not disappointed in you.”

“Wait. Really?”

Papyrus nods. “I am not saying I am happy that you did what you did, but I can understand it and I cannot hold it against you. Even if perhaps it was not entirely for our sakes.”

You wince. “If it helps, I didn’t realize that was a factor until one of the souls pointed it out to me.”

No response, just the quiet scrape of the sponge against ceramic and the less than quiet sounds of dishes being stacked back in their places.

“So… was that what you wanted to talk about?” you prompt.

“Not entirely. I wish to discuss Sans.”

“He’s really pissed at me, isn’t he?”

Papyrus sighs heavily. You look over to see that his expression is distant and filled with sorrow. “He is not angry with you. I believe that he decided to leave before seeing you to avoid taking his anger with himself and the situation out on you. I... have not really been trying to remember the resets before these past three. Remembering my deaths is not pleasant. Remembering the deaths of others is much less so. Some of those deaths are Sans’. Some by his own hand, or through carelessness uncharacteristic of him.”

You lean up against the sink, suddenly drained. “Yeah. He’s mentioned those before.”

Papyrus nods. “Sans has been my only family for as long as I can recall. Losing him was excruciating. I blamed myself, no matter what his final letter said. I should have known. I should have helped him, should not have yelled, should have been more patient. I have yet to confront him about this but he knows that I know. Now he knows what it is to lose someone of immense value to you and know that they chose to end their own life. Your circumstances were similar, and I believe that he is in part angry not with you, but himself for inflicting that on me. And if there is one thing that my brother is terrible at it is forgiving himself.”
“I didn’t endure half of what he did. Not even one percent of it. I had no right to be that- that desperate already.”

“______. Pain is pain. Measuring it against others’ is a disservice to what you have endured.”

You give Papyrus a crooked smile. “Since when are you my therapist?”

“Since I started borrowing books from Undyne and the library in an effort to figure out how to help Sans.”

“Right.” You sigh, push yourself away from the counter, and turn to face Papyrus. “So what should I do Paps? I already know I can’t force the issue; I’ll have to wait for him to come to me. But I don’t know what I can possibly say once he does.”

“Just be honest. Sans is not unreasonable; he knows what the rest of us have already realized.”

“Well, I guess that makes it easy.” You try not to let that sound sarcastic.

“Perhaps.” Papyrus hesitates. “______, when he does speak with you, could you do me a favor?”

“I can try.”

“Please let him know that nothing I could remember in any past reset would change the fact that he has been my brother, parent, and best friend for my entire life. I want us to be honest with each other again.”

“I- Yeah, Paps, I can do that. You know he’s just trying to protect you, right?”

“He cannot protect me from reality and I will not stand to have him try to protect me from himself. If my brother is depressed, if he wants to commit suicide, if he is drinking to excess, then do you not think I would want to know? That I would want to be there for him?”

The desperation in his voice throws you off balance. You’d known he’s as good a liar - or maybe as good an actor? - as his brother, seeing as he managed to hide his concern from Sans in his efforts to support him. You still hadn’t realized he was this distressed. You reach out and cover his hand with yours. He looks up, tears in his sockets.

“Siblings like Sans and I… We can be idiots. We try to keep our younger siblings happy no matter what’s going on with us, and we forget that we’re not your parents no matter how much we’ve tried to make up for their failings. And in our minds, you’re- not quite still a child, but someone who has to be protected from how cruel the world can be. And we’re a part of that cruel world. So we end up trying to protect you from ourselves too.”

“But I do not need to be protected from Sans! Or by him!”

“I did say it was stupid.”

“How do I reach him then? I have tried, and nothing has worked!”

“Did you tell him what you told me?”

“Er… Well, no. I tried to be a little subtler.”

“Give up on subtle. He’s convinced you don’t understand how bad off he is. Sit him down and tell him what’s bothering you.”

“But I don’t know how to do that!”

“You just told me what’s bothering you. You’ve gotta do the same thing with him.”

He still looks hesitant. “But if you know how to resolve this problem, why have you not done it with your own sister?”

“I…” You hesitate. “The kids and whatever we were when we weren’t us helped me see it. I’m not exactly the same as I was before I fused with them. I’m guessing it did something to my soul.”

“What?!” Papyrus shouts.

You frantically shush him. “Don’t shout! I don’t want anyone else to know yet!”

“_______ this is serious! Souls do not change like that!”

“I feel fine! Besides, whose soul wouldn’t have been affected by all of that?”

“You are not wrong, but you should still see Toriel and find out if something is wrong,” he insists.

“I’m sure Toriel’s already checked it. Isn’t that like step one of healing?”

“Well, yes.”

“See? She would’ve said something if there was a problem. And it’s not like it’s an overwrite of my entire personality. It’s just that when we were fused together, the person that we were, they saw things a little more clearly than I did.“ You look away from his intent gaze as you confess what you should have known years ago. “I was stubbornly insisting that Ferrin needed my protection because if she didn’t, what right did I have to be in her life? The other me-not-me knew that she isn’t a kid anymore but they also made me see that she wanted me here anyways. Maybe I can’t protect her from the world, but that was never my job. I can be there as her sibling and best friend, which is all either of us want. Don’t know how putting it into practice will work out. But I’ve got to try and I think you should too.”

Papyrus still looks unconvinced. “I suppose you would know best, seeing as it is your soul. Are you certain such a method will work for my brother?”

“Pretty sure. If he ever talks to me again I’ll be sure to try to tell him what they told me.”

“It is strange to hear you refer to that person as separate from yourself.”

“Trust me, it was a weird experience.”

“Do you think-”

“Hey, guys, you forget how to wash dishes or something?” Ferrin’s voice abruptly breaks into your conversation. She’s standing in the doorway, looking at the both of you with an entirely too innocent expression. Eavesdropping then. Ah well. You’d meant to talk to her about it anyways.

“Nah, just started talking and ended up ignoring the dishes,” you say. “We’ll be done in just a sec though.”

“Sounds good. I’m gonna try to convince Toriel to let Frisk and I use her ancient computer to watch Mew Mew Kissy Cutie. Alphys loves it and I saw the finale of season three when I was like ten so I don’t remember anything, and Frisk is curious anyways.”

“Didn’t you leave your anime phase behind after your second year of high school?” you ask.

“If I start ending my sentences with ‘Nya~’ it’ll be time for an intervention. Until then, gonna enjoy cat girls doing cat girl things.”

“You do that.”

Ferrin leaves and you dip your hands back into the now lukewarm water to finish the dishes. The two of you work silently. As you drain the water, final fork

handed off to Papyrus, he speaks up.

“Thank you for your advice. You may be- You are right. It is high time I speak with my brother frankly, and high time the two of you spoke. If it is any consolation, I believe he knows he is being unreasonable.”

“I just wish he’d let me talk to him. Or at least tell me why he’s avoiding me.”

“He will sooner or later. But for now, let us go join Ferrin and Frisk! I, too, am curious about the cat girls.” Papyrus pauses. “Or do most humans have cat ears?”

“Ha ha. You know nobody has cat ears.”

“Cats have cat ears.”

“You know what, fair enough.”

The anime isn’t terrible, but it is pretty boring. According to Alphys the first few episodes are dull exposition and the series really picks up in the middle of the sixth episode. You’re yawning by the beginning of the second episode, and your eyelids keep shutting on their own through the third. At some point you must fall asleep because you wake up to a darkened house. You sit up and a blanket falls down your shoulder to pool by your waist. You’re on Toriel’s recliner, and Papyrus, Ferrin, and Abe are all sleeping on the ground around you.

You try falling back asleep. You really do. But you’d slept for most of the day, and your mind and body are well-rested enough to keep you from sinking back into dreamland.

You get up carefully, trying not to wake anyone. You have one hand on the door knob when you pause, looking back at Ferrin’s sleeping form. You tip toe over and crouch next to her.

“Fer,” you whisper. “Ferrin. Wake up for just a sec.”

“Wassup?” she says, voice slurred with sleep.

“I’m going out for a little bit. I thought you might like to know.”

Her eyes sharpen. “What about Flowey?”

“I guarantee you he’s not a problem. Like I said earlier, he’s still being affected by the merge with everyone’s souls.”

“Be careful?”

“I promise.”

“Okay. See you in a little bit?”

“I won’t be gone long. See you in the morning.”

“M’ kay.”

You hear her settle back under the covers as you sneak back to the door. The door closes quietly behind you. You hope she’ll be able to get back to sleep.
You take a deep breath of the chill air of Toriel’s front yard. It’s quieter than you’d been expecting. Some part of you is straining to hear the familiar rush of cars, or the movement of nighttime prowlers through the woods. Instead the darkness is filled with the quiet chirp of crickets. It’s also gently lit with glowing aqua stones that you’d never noticed in the light of day. You follow them away from Toriel’s home and take a left as you leave it behind. The little outcropping that overlooks the mostly abandoned city is as beautiful as you’d thought it was in the game. It’s even prettier now, lit with the same blue stones as the rest of the caverns of Home. Some sections are darker than others. Perhaps the stones that were once there can now be found lighting halls in Waterfall or the forests of Snowdin. Or maybe they now light new homes, brought along on a journey to a better life as a memory of the old. The buildings that you can see have fallen somewhat to disrepair. A few are beginning their descent into complete rubble.

You take a seat with your legs dangling into the deep abyss below. It isn’t as frightening as it probably should be. Might be a lingering sense of invincibility from the souls. Might also be the intense aura of safety that this space gives off, despite its slow fall into a skeleton of the city it once was.

Little goosebumps are beginning to rise on your legs from the chill air. You trace a finger down your skin, feeling it, silky smooth and pleasantly warm. Your finger travels in reverse, rubbing the hairs the wrong way. Not pleasant, but not really unpleasant either. You breathe in until your lungs won’t hold any more and breathe out until there’s nothing left. Your hand comes up and presses against the soft skin where your neck and jaw join. There’s your heartbeat, evidence of your body working hard to keep you alive. The taste of unbrushed teeth - you’ve got to remember to ask Toriel for toothpaste-, the slightly musty, damp scent of the caves all around, little rocks pressing against the underside of your thighs… You take it in and feel your soul grow a little more accustomed to being within a fleshy vessel once more.

What a strange little miracle it is to be here at all. Alive despite the best efforts of a not-exactly-evil scientist and a lost, angry goat child.

Tomorrow, you will get up, gather your friends, and find Gaster. Tomorrow, you will dig Flowey out of whatever hole he has found to hide in. Tomorrow, you will test your theory.

But today, you’re just glad to be here to look forward to tomorrow.

A long while after you arrived, as you’re beginning to think that the cold isn’t worth the view, shuffling footsteps catch your attention. A blue and white figure steps into the corner of your vision.

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Ape.”

“Ape who?”

“Ape-ology.”

You might’ve laughed, if you weren’t so apprehensive. “And Asriel said my jokes were bad.”

“Well, considering you did steal that one about the orange from me…”

“Oh, right.”

“So, this seat taken?”

“Nope.”

Sans sits down beside you quietly. Before you can begin to figure out what you’re supposed to say here, he speaks.

“Seriously though. Sorry. I shouldn’t’ve… Leaving without saying anything to you wasn’t right.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you say quickly.

Sans just sighs. He begins speaking several times before he finally says, “I don’t do this whole ‘sayin’ what you mean’ thing very well.”

“That’s okay. We don’t have to have this discussion tonight.”

“We sorta do.”

You wince. You were sort of hoping he’d take the out and let you off the hook. You want to avoid this conversation, but you also aren’t sure you know how to articulate what you’ve realized yet. “I guess you’re right.”

Still, he doesn’t speak. You’re glad that at least you’re not the only one with no idea how to begin this conversation, but his silence puts the ball square in your corner.

“I’m sorry too. For something much worse than being angry at me for being an idiot.” You sigh. “It made sense, at the time. Die to save everyone else from slow insanity as Flowey tortured us. And if he wanted to burn the human world… maybe we’d earned it. I’ve always known humans were plenty capable of being violent and angry. My parents made sure of that. That everyone reacted so poorly to you monsters only proved it. You were shot at, threatened, forced to live in tents while the government refused perfectly good gold just because you were the ones holding it. So I think a part of me believed that humanity had had our turn, and if we were replaced by a kinder rule of the world under monsterkind, maybe it was just because we’d earned it.

“I was wrong. Ferrin, Abe, Frisk, Chara, the kids, the hundreds of people who were calling on our government to just fucking do the right thing… Me. We were doing our best just like you guys. Despair does strange things to your head.”

“You let him kill you because humanity deserved it?” Sans asks, confusion clear in his voice.

“No. Sorry. My head is still sort of all over the place. I was thinking about tomorrow, when we’re going to have to deal with that again. And about Chara. I think I get it now, the way that they were thinking when they killed themself. But no, that wasn’t why I did it.” You turn to look at Sans, meeting his gaze, then looking away. “I let him kill me because I was running away. I really did want to save everyone. I did. I wanted the people I love to live on. But if I’m being honest, I was terrified of what came next. What’s coming next after I break the barrier with everyone else. I won’t be able to hide anymore. I will be at the forefront of the push to get you all recognized as citizens. People will want interviews, the monsters will need me to be a symbol of strength alongside Asgore and Toriel, humanity will look at every aspect of my life and judge my decisions. And that terrified me. I’d had a taste of fame when my books became popular and it scared me. Former friends had spoken up about the things I’d said in confidence and people suddenly really, really cared about a fanfiction.net account I’d had when I was younger. Everything I’d ever done was on display.

“Maybe I was being ridiculous. But combined with an unhealthy idea of how the greatest gesture of love for another person or group of people is to sacrifice yourself for them, the torture of dying and seeing your loved ones die over and over, sheer desperation, and the fact that when I looked at the future all I saw were obstacles and pain… Letting Flowey kill me seemed like the right answer.

“He made me realize what I’d done. That I was being selfish, not good or noble or whatever other pretty words people have used to describe martyring yourself for others. Not that he was trying to help or that it was helpful at the time. I thought what was done was done then, but here we are. So I’m done running. Monsterkind needs a strong human ally and I will be that for them. Humans need to see that we can coexist with monsters and I will show them that. I don’t care that it’s the fate Gaster assigned me, I’m going to accept it instead of letting the fear rule.

“I know that’s not a good enough reason for abandoning you and everyone else. But I figured you deserve honesty after everything that happened.”

It’s strangely freeing to tell someone the entirety of your reasons for choosing to die. You have said what you wanted to say, bared everything for Sans to judge you. There’s no way to know what he will say, whether he will condemn or pardon you. Either way, or any of the choices inbetween, you have nothing else to add. The silence stretches on. He neither speaks nor moves to leave. You try not to wonder what is on his mind.

“I get running away. Did it myself a few times. Knowing Papyrus needed me never stopped me. So I get it. I just don’t like it.” He sounds tired. “But I shouldn’t’ve held it against you, that was shitty.”

“No, I understand, what I did was inexcusable. I’m sorry. I’d undo it if I could.”

“It isn’t like I’m any better,” he says tiredly. “No more apologizing. We did it, let’s just move on, alright?”

“Right. That’s… probably best. Papyrus talked to me about this too you know.”

“He did.” Sans’ voice sounds tight.

“He doesn’t blame you for what you did. He said he’s tried to talk to you about it before, but he was trying to be subtle and you didn’t pick up on it.”

“I did a couple of times.”

“I figured. I told him to quit being subtle and say what he needs to.”

“Thanks,” he says dryly.

“It’s what’s best for both of you. I told him you mean well even though it must be frustrating to be treated like a kid by someone you really care for.”

“And you can lecture me ‘cause you’re gonna talk to Ferrin?” he asks skeptically.

“I am.”

“Since when are you the confrontational type?” He sounds surprised.

You chuckle. “Never. But the person that I was when my soul was merged with the others’ helped me see things more clearly. Sometimes you’ve gotta have someone else to tell you that you’re a moron.”

“‘S that what you’re telling me?”

“Yup. We’re both idiots, if that helps.”

“Fair enough.”

He doesn’t say anything more. He might consider the conversation over, but you’ve got more to say. The words are heavy on your tongue, unwilling to spill out into the air. You find your courage and take the plunge.

“There’s… something I need to say about us,” you force yourself to say. Looks like you’ll be spilling your guts again.

“So do I. Mind if I get it done with first?”

“Nope. Go ahead.”

Sans says nothing for a long time, long enough for you to remember that you’re slowly turning into a popsicle. Or at least a very chilly human.

“Ya weren’t the only one who made mistakes,’ Sans finally says, staring out over the city without seeing it. “I never really believed that the resets were over. But I thought maybe if I threw myself into making some kind of attempt to live like I did, then eventually I’d convince myself too. So I had to get a normal life. Find a place for Paps and I to live, try to help Asgore, take care of myself instead of relying on my bro. Date somebody and actually mean it. Tori was out, so I went for the first person that drew my attention. I’m not sayin’ you were some kind of second place winner or that I’d rather still be datin’ her. Her and I are better off as friends. But I didn’t… I wanted something that was totally new. I wanted to give myself a new start to convince myself that this time was really going to be different. I really did enjoy dating you. You were - are - a bright point in my life. But I was and still am trying to get better and I used you as a stepping stone and I’m sorry.”

That hurts, but it makes what you’ve realized easier to say too. “Right. Guess it’s my turn then. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was reflecting on it later and… I’ve never really had a plan. For life, I mean. I just wanted to do what I could for Ferrin when I was younger, and when I realized how many people were looking up to me I ran away. I was hiding at that house in the middle of a nowhere town where people knew me by my uncle and not my books. It was lonely even with Ferrin around.

“Then a few weeks before we met, I tried reconnecting with an old friend. He was only two years older than me, but he’d already married. A wife, two kids. Hell, he had a house and a steady job. Friends he saw every day at work or on the weekends. He was shocked when he heard I was single. Said I only had so long before I couldn’t have any of it.

“Logically I knew it was bullshit. I couldn’t take care of a kid, not living like I was. Didn’t want to get married to anybody I knew. Wasn’t meeting anybody holed up in my room. But I knew Ferrin was worried about me too. So I started thinking that I had to become… someone I wasn’t. Someone responsible, with a spouse, two point five kids, a white picket fence- Right. None of that means anything to you. Point is, I had to start living up to expectation.

“And then suddenly there you were. You checked all of my boxes. Funny, accepting, smart, attractive, low-energy just like me, passionate when you’ve got a reason to be. You saw me for who I was, instead of who you wanted me to be. You had your fair share of problems so I didn’t have to feel bad about having mine. You obviously loved your brother as much as I love my sister, which was a bonus. You like kids, so if we did want a family we could have one. Ferrin likes you and your brother….” you trail off, embarrassed when you realize how weird it was to go on like that about Sans.

“A-anyways. You get the idea. But… some part of me wonders if I took advantage of you. You were living in my house, your brother and friends were indebted to me, if I ever said anything negative about you Abe would’ve taken my side instead of yours. I wonder if maybe you not being able to leave was a part of why I latched onto you so quickly.”

“You’d never do that,” Sans says instantly. “_______, look at me. You wouldn’t do that. Ever. And I was the one who asked you out, remember? How could you’ve taken advantage of me when I made that decision?”

“I started flirting with you. If you knew I was interested, maybe you felt obliged to do what you did.”

“You were drunk. And I didn’t feel obliged to do shit. I asked you out because I liked you. You’re attractive, smart, you like bad jokes, you’re kind to a fault. You forgive easy, which is good because I’m a damn idiot. You never looked at us and saw charity cases, just people who needed help regardless of what anyone thought. You’ve got this hidden fire. I saw it when you stood up to me when I showed up in your yard, when you told me off for stealing your stuff, when you were singing by yourself in your kitchen, when you fought for us in that supermarket parking lot. It’s beautiful. Just like your soul. And Paps loves you and your sister.” Sans’ cheek bones are a light blue, his eyelights not quite meeting your eyes. “So yeah. It definitely wasn’t pity.”

You nod and try to crush the hope in your chest. “So where does this leave us?”

“I dunno. Where do we want to be?”

You suppose that if ever there was a time for honesty, it’s now. “I don’t want to stop being in a relationship with you. But I also don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. So. What do you want, Sans?”

A sigh, and a very long pause. You don’t try to fill the silence, tempted as you are to tell him that you don’t need an answer now.

“I didn’t spend these last few hours sitting around mopin’, you know. Not the whole time at least. I’m tired ______. Most of me feels stuck in realities that never happened. At least, not this time. I’m absolutely still trying to figure out how all of you can forgive that little brat,” Sans spits, then sighs, dragging a hand down his face. “And that fucking flower. I don’t want Frisk within two hundred miles of my brother. And I don’t do emotions very well, or being honest. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to end this conversation with a pun or a joke. I’ve got a lot to work on. But I know this much. I can’t hate you for doing what you did and it wouldn’t be fair if I did. You loved us enough to want to die for us. All of us.

“And yeah, I’d rather you’d chosen to live for us. But if I’d had the choice I’d have done the same. So maybe we’re both fucked in the head,” he says with another heavy sigh.

“I don’t know about ‘fucked in the head’ but I am thinking we could all use some therapy sessions after this. I know somebody from high school that probably won’t care if she’s helping monsters or humans... Sorry. Off topic. Like I said, not really a lot of filter right now.”

“‘S fine. I was ramblin’ too. Before I give you your answer, tell me. Could there be another reset after you’re done here? After you’ve done whatever else you feel needs getting done?”

“I don’t know,” you say honestly. You look out over the old city and try to explain your thoughts. “On the one hand, I think we can break the magic sustaining the resets with all of us together. On the other, is that really for the best? What if something goes catastrophically wrong? What if we get rid of the ability to reset and then we need it? I don’t even know what we’d do in that situation.”

You glance at Sans. He doesn’t look thrilled, but he also doesn’t look as angry as you’d been worried he would be. “Had the same problem with the kid before. I wanted to tell them just don’t ever reset again and call it a day, but with everything that happened in the previous timelines we both knew that would never work.”

“Yup. So I don’t think I would make it impossible to reset. There’s a good chance that once the underground is emptied we’ll never be able to reset again though. Which, like we just agreed, might be bad too. Sorry for the non-answer.”

“Honestly that’s just about how this whole thing has been going anyways. So. Resets might be a thing.”

“Could be.”

“Well. If time-travelling, dimension crossing bullshit is my fate, so be it. I’m callin’ it quits on pretending. Papyrus doesn’t deserve that. And I’ve decided that before. But I’ve sort of realized my only options are give up entirely or figure out how to live with it. Things’ve changed this time ‘round too. Everybody remembers the resets now. And, well, you’re here. That’s a nice change.”

Your expression twists into a bitter smile. “Provided I’m not going off and killing myself in some kind of-”

A thin hand covers your mouth, silencing you. You look over to see Sans giving you a stern look.

“I just said no more of that. We’re done living like the resets control us. I’m sick and fucking tired of it and I’m sick and fucking tired of being sick and fucking tired.”

“Sounds like you need a nap.”

Sans rolls his eye lights. “I do. Not my point. If I’m gonna move on then so’re you.”

You smile, laughing softly. “Never thought you’d be the one saying that.”

“Neither did I.”

“I like that though. I’m pretty sick and fucking tired of being sick and fucking tired too.”

“It sucks.”

“Glad we agree on that. So where does that leave us? ‘Us’ us, not us as, you know, people.”

“How’d you know I was gonna make a joke about you needing a map?”

Your mouth moves before your brain can stop it. “Buddy, the only reason I’m gonna need a map is because I’m lost in your eyes.”

Sans gives you a flat look and for an instant you think you’ve crossed a line. “That was the worst delivery of the worst pickup line ever and I bet you’re proud of yourself.”

You grin despite yourself. “I sort of am. But honestly, you gave me the perfect window there.”

“Stars, I forgot how amazing you are.”

You’re half expecting a punchline, but Sans is serious. Suddenly you are very aware of the fact that he’s still leaning in close to you. You can feel your face heating up.

“Guess it’s time to give you your answer,” Sans says quietly. “I’ve got problems. You’ve got problems. We live in a world that could rewind at any moment. We’ve both died too many times to count. Nothing about this, or us, is going to be perfect. And if you’re still willing to have me, I’d like to give dating another shot. Maybe I can take you somewhere better than a greasy bar for our first date this time ‘round.”

“Sans… Of course I’m willing to. I like you. A lot.”

“There’s a word for that,” Sans jokes.

“Yeah, there is. But I want to do this as right as we can. Let’s go on dumb dates, get in silly arguments, watch movies that are so bad that they’re good, and then let’s stumble over each other when we try to say that word for the first time. Let’s have the most glacial romance in the history of the world because we’ve got all the time we could ever want to enjoy it.”

Sans chuckles. “I’d like that.”

You notice his tentative glance down at your lips and, well, it might not count as glacially slow, but it would fulfill the sudden yearning in your soul. The deep seated need for reassurance that he doesn’t secretly hate you.

“Question.”

“Yeah?” His voice is quiet, intimate.

“Can I kiss you?”

His hand reaches up and cups your cheek gently, and there’s that smile that’s so much smaller than his normal expression but so much more sincere. You take that for the consent that it is and lean in to meet him halfway.

There, under the glowing stones of the underground, you and Sans have your first kiss. And without secrets, without hidden hurts, with your visions for the future out there in the open and acknowledged, it’s even sweeter than all of the ones before it.